over the weekend i surprised myself by not being disappointed when my love came to town. i think i finally realized that we had just grown apart and i wasn't letting myself down but that it's just the way things go. it didn't hurt when he left, and it didn't hurt when he didn't come to see me the times i wanted him to. i was actually able to go to bed and sleep a full night even though i wanted to spend time with him instead. i was surprised then that when i did see him, i was able to calmly state what was on my mind and mean it when i said that i wouldn't hold it against him if he turned away from me. and i won't in fact sadly to say i would probably be better off if he did because then i wouldn't have that crutch about finding someone else, nor would i feel guilty about it because he hasn't. i want him to be happy but i deserve to be happy too and i am going to go looking for that happiness.