?

Post Comment

Slap to the Head Fanfiction! (ficbitches) wrote,
@ 2001-12-03 14:55:00
ARRAY(0x7f6ed68135f0)
Mood: bitchy

Wish :: An Angel's Love

Wish :: An Angel's Love


Review By: Pink Freak


SCORE
CHARACTERIZATION: 2/5
PLOT: 2/5 (What's there to say, it's basically a PWP)
WRITING: 0/5
CHILDISH HANDS GRASPING THROBBING ADULT GENITALIA, CAUSING READER TO GRASP FOR OWN SANITY: 5/5

It's time for androgyny, here comes Wish!

I like Wish. I like it a lot, which is why my fellow Bitches designated this fic to me - because while it caused us all to cringe and reach for the handrail, it specifically made me roll up in a quivering ball in the corner, crying for my mommy.

The androgyny is important, though - because this is a lemon, kids. For those who aren't completely familiar with Wish, I'll explain it a bit before I head into the fic. Shuuichirou ("Oh, you mean the guy who looks like Fuuma") is a surgeon. One day he finds an angel in a tree. More angels and devils show up. Angel #1, Kohaku, wants to grant Shuuichirou's wish (hence the series title) and hangs around Shuuichirou until he comes up with a Wish for Kohaku to grant. Eventually, Love ensues. The angels are genderless - all use genderless first-person pronouns to refer to themselves, and since I only read the Japanese version, I have no real knowledge as to whether or not translations assigned genders to the angels when referring to them in the third person. However, the author of this fic has chosen to refer to Kohaku as "he", most likely because it makes the slash fangirls squeal much more than heterosexual sex would. The devils use gendered personal pronouns, so I imagine that /they/ have genders, on the other hand. As this is a lemon, which involves gender-specific organs, you can already tell that there is going to be something Very Wrong without even reading a single word of the story.

All right, now that the series makes sense, on to the fic - which unfortunately, does not make sense. *cracks knuckles* Man, you know, until rereading this for the purpose of review, I had almost forgotten how terribly well it makes chills run up my spine. Personally, I think the author ought to have called this "Touched By An Angel", which would have been just sarcastic enough to make me choke on my beverage and laugh.

The fic is basically a PWP. I think. It has the special honor of making myself and Leather Daddy, who both have extremely high tolerances for Completely FUBAR Shit, want to commit ritual suicide upon finishing the fic. And believe it or not, this is due not only to the content but also the sheer incomprehensability of the writing style. Folks, I am a native English speaker, and I am not quite sure what's going on in many of the sentences here. Someone I know described this fic well by saying, "Are you sure it wasn't written in a foreign language and then run through the Babelfish?" Therefore, I will attempt to summarize the contents to the best of my ability - although, you know, I think I understand smutfic written in /JAPANESE/ better than I understand this fic.

First, let me hit the thing that actually makes me spitting mad about this fic - while the author loves Wish enough to write fic for it, she apparently does not love Wish enough to bother to spell the characters' names correctly. The surgeon is Shuuichirou. The devil prince is Kokuyou. This isn't even one of those bitchy little katakana romanization issues (i.e. Heero Yuy/Hiiro Yui) or long-vowel romanization (i.e. Ukyo/Ukyou) - this is the author overlooking one of the more important aspects of the characters she is writing about...their NAMES. "Kuyo" and "Kyo" are written with completely different characters. (Should this be the fault of the fan translation, then I suppose my gripe is with the translator, but I haven't read the translation.) Also, while Kohaku calls Shuuichirou "Shuuichirou-san" throughout the course of the manga, not once does Shuuichirou call Kohaku "Kohaku-kun". In fact, as you may already know, their relationship appears deeper /because/ Shuuichirou never uses a classifying suffix with Kohaku. (If this is also the fault of the translation, then that translator needs a slap to the fuckin' head as badly as this fic author does.)

So we start out with some introspection on Shuuichirou's part - he and Kohaku love each other now. This is a sweet, pure, childish love coming from Kohaku, which gives Shuuichirou a mighty woody, as the love of children does to most of us. >.>

"A fleeing, watercolory image of the amber-haired, honey-eyed being whose childish love claimed every secret corner of his heart came to his mind, the lovely cheerful face with its eternally innocent expression of devotion towards him pulling the right strings within his affected self to make him let out aloud a husky manifestation of passion."

Yeah, nothing gets /ME/ off like kindergarteners. Rowr. _O_ While Shuuichirou thinks of his beloved in this part, he uses the word "child" or a variation of it SIX times. SIX times in about 100 words of text. This is where I started to really cringe, and it's barely a fourth of the way into the fic. I don't have many personal squicks, but one of them is adults having sex with children, and the way Kohaku is described in this fic, he's all of five years old at his best. I suppose it's important to mention at this point, for the sake of those of you who don't know, that Kohaku spends most of his/her/its time superdeformed. Chibi. And when Kohaku is non-chibi, he/she/it looks about 15 years old. Seriously, Kohaku is mentally about 10 years old, regardless of how old or young his body looks. Shuuichirou is 28 years old. Something does not compute.

Shuuichirou is getting rather hot and bothered at this point, and he lapses into another flashback - this time thinking about conversations he's had with Kokuyou and the rest of the "family" in re: his relationship with Kohaku. Kohaku risks being whisked back to Heaven at any point, and Kokuyou mentions that Hisui can't go back because Hisui lost its purity at the mercy of his naughty hands. This appears to be the solution to Shuuichirou and Kohaku's problem - all they have to do is have sex, and BOOM, no Stairway for Kohaku.

Hisui's suggestion seems to be the best, and Shuuichirou and Kohaku do the deed. Oh yeah, Shuuichirou was a virgin before Kohaku. >.> Uh huh.

"The feeling of that warm baby skin pressing against his own as he gently began covering it with tender kisses..."

Shuuichirou continues with his reminiscing - and Kohaku drops in age again! He's no longer a child - now he's a BABY. There is emphasis placed on two things throughout this section - Shuuichirou's increasing desire, and Kohaku's naivete, innocence, and childish nature. Are you starting to get an idea of why this fic made Leather Daddy and I cry?

"The feeling of those small innocent fingers encircling that extension of his own self that had until then rested passively between his legs..."

But wait! We're only halfway through the fic! There's more to come...and come they do. During this flashback, Shuuichirou has started to take measures to relieve himself of the accompanying aroused state he's in - but he's doing this instinctively, without quite realizing that he's doing it.

[Kokuyou] What are you doing, Shuuichirou?
[Shuuichirou] Nothing, just sitting around...
[Kokuyou] But you've got your dick in your hand and are...uh...
[Shuuichirou] Oh dear, was I masturbating? I didn't even realize it!
(No, that's not part of the fic - that's me being funny.)

Thankfully, Shuuichirou stops before anything can actually happen, and he decides to go have a chat with Kokuyou, assumedly about his desire to get his freak on with Kohaku again.

"It was only the fact tenderhearted Kohaku was so innocent, so childish, as he had proved many times to be a baby trapped inside the body of a graceful adolescent... Feeling that way towards the wish to be with him in the same loving way both did back then never failed to wake a deep guilt inside his heart, even making him wonder whether he was abusing that incredible naivete."

This should be reason enough for Shuuichirou to keep his Johnson firmly restrained. I hope I never have the bad luck to take my kids to The Good Doctor if he's like this. Anyway, Shuuichirou goes upstairs to look for Kokuyou. Upon finding him, Shuuichirou discovers that Kokuyou is a bit preoccupied, as he's currently doing the nasty with Hisui. Kokuyou has left the door open a crack, and this proves advantageous for Dr. Sleazebag because he can watch his friends give each other the old heave-ho. For a moment, he thinks that poor Kohaku might walk by and see what's taking place, but then Shuuichirou's Woodrow pops back up and takes complete control of his mind, so he stops to enjoy the peep show. Kokuyou is "raping away" Hisui's purity. I doubt that Hisui has any purity left at this point, honestly, and the choice of the word "raping" was extremely poor - it gives the act a non-consensual feeling, which basically contradicts the previously stated feelings of consensual happiness on Hisui's part. Anyway, having watched Hisui and Kokuyou do the horizontal tango has made Shuuichirou want to get it on with Kohaku even more than he had before. So he decides to take a cold shower.

Going into the bathroom makes Shuuichirou lapse into otaku Japanese and also think about rainbowy soap foam carefully fondling Kohaku's milky rose skin. The soap took a hint from the curtains in Fujitaka Kinomoto's room, apparently. (See Leather Daddy's review of "I See Dead People" by the same author if this confuses you.) Just as Shuuichirou reaches near-desperation, he gets into the bathroom and - boom! Kohaku is in there! We are reminded that Hisui isn't there, since most readers probably don't realize that it's hard to be in the bathroom while simultaneously being screwed into your bedroom floor.

More otaku Japanese, this time from Kohaku. Since "konnichiwa" and "gomen ne" don't translate well, it makes sense to leave them untranslated. >.> We're also ignoring the fact that most Japanese people take baths in the evening, even in the summer, but who really needs to pay attention to Japanese culture in anime fanfic? Kohaku lets on to the fact that he/she/it knows what Kokuyou and Hisui are up to, which makes Shuuichirou feel much better about wanting to screw Kohaku. I don't understand why he was so averse to it in the first place - if Shuuichirou and Kohaku had never been together before, it would be obvious that Shuuichirou would be concerned about his lusty feelings towards Kohaku. But since this isn't their first time, I'm left utterly baffled as to why Shuuichirou is still unsure about having sex with Kohaku. It wasn't as if Kohaku didn't like it - the memory of Kohaku's childish cries and tears of joy were sign enough to Shuuichirou while he was masturbating earlier in the fic. Catharsis is reached, and Shuuichirou decides that it's time to stop thinking and start screwing.

*shiver*

Number of times "childish" or terms alluding to it are used during the ensuing lemon scene: 10. That's 10 too many.

And can I just mention that the phrases "swollen, sensitive baby lips" and "strong, large manhood" should never, ever, EVER be used in the same sentence? Particular emphasis is placed during this scene on how gigantic Adult Shuuichirou is and how tiny Baby Kohaku is. I think he's fucking a Cabbage Patch Kid. Kohaku, being androgynous, lacks distinct male or female genitalia, but despite being a "yaoi" fic, Kohaku's "tender soft mound that revealed his asexual nature" seems to resemble female genitalia much more than it does male genitalia - and Shuuichirou is able to sex Kohaku up without going in the back door, as it were.

"He found it hard to conceive, the ease with which he had helped that fragile, innocent being reach ecstasy."


Yeah, it probably is hard to conceive when both parties lack feminine visceral organs. And the dialogue is fantastic in this part of the fic, as it often is in lemons:

"Are you scared?"
"How could I? I am with you."

Ladies and gentlemen, the envelope please.

Shuuichirou penetrates Kohaku, the entire process completely resembling /vaginal/ intercourse, despite Kohaku being called "he" throughout. I'm surprised I haven't been carried away by the men in white yet, to tell you the truth. Kohaku and Shuuichirou have a Happy Simultaneous Orgasm, and somehow Hisui feels this. The color adjectives are great in this - is it too hard to just say that Hisui has green eyes? Verdurean, emeraude...I don't even think "emeraude" is a word, other than the name of a princess in a different CLAMP manga. Hisui is extremely happy to have felt Kohaku's happiness, which is disturbing on more than one level. With this, the fic ends.

Since I do try to find the silver lining, I will give this author credit - it's difficult to deal with androgynous characters when you're writing a lemon scene. However, there's just no excuse for Shuuichirou in this fic. It creeps me out to think of a 28 year old man becoming sexually aroused to the point of losing the ability to think OVER A CHILD. The author never lets you forget for more than 10 words that Kohaku has the physical presence of a barely pubescent teenager and the mental presence of a small child.

So let's summarize:
horny 28 year old man + milky babyish child + two sex scenes between previously mentioned parties + overuse of adjectives that reek of the thesaurus + indecipherable sentence structure = Pink Freak beating her head against the wall and sobbing, wondering what she did to deserve this. Don't read this fic. If you do, though, have some people around for moral support, or at least a glass of strong liquor. The characterization of Shuuichirou made me want to die. Kohaku, Hisui, Kokuyou, and Kouryuu were fine, though. Can't say much for the plot, since it was a PWP. And you already know how I feel about the writing style.

I'll leave you with another pair of lines that I particularly liked:

"Why are you crying? God, Kohaku-kun... am I hurting you?"
"No... These are tears of joy..."


Does it strike anyone else as funny that Shuuichirou is calling for God when that's the very being they're trying to get past? :D


(Read 9 comments)

Post a comment in response:

No HTML allowed in subject

 
When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed. You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use
   
 

Notice! This user has turned on the option that logs your IP address when posting. 

(will be screened)