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Andy Scheffler (hamusutaa) wrote,
@ 2001-09-14 02:40:00
ARRAY(0x7fde2e1f1518)
Mood: nostalgic

I can't sleep.
It's nights like these when I wonder if I accidentally drank too much caffeine. I can't fall asleep, thoughts keep racing through my head. Partly it's about the events of the last few days, but mostly it's one of those "what I've done with my life" sort of random thought processes.

What does it always come down to? "Why don't I have a girlfriend?" But then immediately followed by "Do I even really want a girlfriend?"

There's the laundry list of failed attempts dating back 8 years. The one that hurts above all is the one who all the rest inevitably get compared to. I can't even say her name, as she may eventually read this, and this is not the way I'd want her to find out my feelings... if I even know my own feelings, hazy as they are; it's been 3 years since I last saw her, 6 since I met her.

It's one of those weird cosmic things. If you ever read the stories about how a couple gets together because of some weird coincidence, or some random event that occurs that shoves the two of them together and they live happily ever after -- this is the complete opposite. Through random occurrence, spooky events, and yes, a fair dose of lack of courage on my part, we never got together. It was close though.

It's one of those things that's always in your head. A vow to yourself. My vow is that if I ever run into her again, I will not let her get away. Fate, it seems, wanted to make it difficult. So I've left it up to fate.

[long pause while I think of something to type]

It seems the only way I can stop dwelling on the distant past is to start dwelling on the more recent past. I already know which of the missed opportunities of the last year will be the ones that will keep me up at night years from now.

You'd think I would do something about it. But, what if I run into her? What if it's while I'm on a date with another girl? Fate would love to do that to me.

I hate my subconscious mind. It's always the worst case. I want to go to sleep, but it's not over yet.

And tomorrow's gonna be a long day at work.



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