Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in youkoricky's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, August 30th, 2007
11:49 pm	What is this? Is Ricky actually posting? And, could it be, that she's doing it while in a good mood? Check the temperature of hell. It must be frozen over. But anyway... Yes. Tonight I was reminded of something very important. Maybe something I've never truly thought about before. Or never fully accepted. Not sure. Anyway. I am twenty-three. Twenty-three. Three years past a mark I thought I'd never hit. I survived, and what I survived was the worst I could throw at myself. Because the triggers for my suicidal tendencies were external, but the core of it was always in me. That total self hatred that I harbor. I survived that. Still survive that. Every day. Every single day is now borrowed time. Time I am infinitely grateful for. This is not to say that I am suicidal now. Not per say. The urge is there when things get hard. The desire for an easy way out. It never goes away. I don't think it ever will. But I have no real desire to act on it anymore. No real reason to end it. So many to keep going. It's not perfect, but I'll take it. Current Mood: cheerful (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 1st, 2007
12:20 am	In chronological order: Fuck you, schizophrenic lady, for yelling at me over speaker phone. Fuck whomever left that fucking french cd on loop for HOURS. Fuck you, Pirates, for being a totally awful movie after a point. THREE FUCKING DECKS! And fuck you, world, for raining on my parade in the worst way possible. Current Mood: Furious (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 15th, 2007
12:21 pm	I AM DONE WITH COLLEGE!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! Ah, this is an awesome feeling. I turned in my VERY LAST paper yesterday! I also went to Denton and kidnapped Abe, so he is now home. Life is very very good at the moment. More later. I have stuff to get done now, and then work! Books! Whoo! Current Mood: ecstatic (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
9:40 pm	All right, I'm still alive. Sick, but alive. There's an unhappy cat in the bathroom. If I let her out, she'll eat the wrong food and pee on things. If I leave her in there, she drives me crazy. This calls for more alcohol. I got a strawberry daquiri thing. It tastes like red. Like the kind of red that comes in candy and cough syrup. Can't decide if I like it or not. Makes my throat (already sore) hurt like a bitch though. Gotta love that suger. I got contacts. Hurray. I don't particularly like they way I look with them, but it's so nice to be without my glasses. School is nearing The End. Two more papers, two more short stories. I saw An Inconvenient Truth tonight at Daddy's. I have zero faith that the American government will do shit. That depresses me. However, I'm going to do every damn bit I can. Fuck you, America. Easter is this weekend. Yay. Seems like there will be a good amount of people at Aunt Sue's this year, so maybe it won't seem as empty as it did last year, sans my grandpa and Aunt Jane. Abe and I's fourth anniversary is also this weekend. It's our first one apart. I think I will be drunk, after I finish doing Easter errands and early cooking with my mom. And Sharky, I totally told you so. Current Mood: cynical (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
11:34 am	So, yesterday was very much an up-and-down day. Or, rather, down-and-up. I had a story critiqued in class. Normally, this is kind of a nerve wrecking experience, but yesterday was just awful. There wasn't one fantasy reader in the whole room. No one understood what was going on, or liked the sentence structure, or slammed the fact that I the dialogue was childish in one part. (HELLO! YOUNG dragon speaking!) I admit, I deserved a lot of the criticism I received. But the teacher just slammed me. He said his piece and gave me time to respond, like he does everyone, only then he started demanding to know why I hadn't made things clear, why hadn't I done this or that. I'M IN THE FUCKING CLASS TO LEARN, ASSHOLE! Yes, it was a complete failure as a short story. Yes, it felt more like a scene than anything else. Yes, I had way too few background details for someone to understand what was going on, but it was my first attempt. So fuck you dude. (On a funnier note, the whole class started discussing whether it was an allegory for either Native Americans or Jewish moneylenders. Teacher was not happy to find out that I had intended neither.) Then I went to a workshop about applying to graduate school. Really, it kind of pushed me away from the idea of even going. I don't know what I'd study, don't know what I'd do with it, and am not going to leave Austin. So, I'm still gonna take the GRE just in case, and hope to god I can find someone to give me a recommendation letter. I'll do my deciding later. So came home, people came over, and we went to go see Pan's Labyrinth. I can't say whether I liked the movie or not because the sheer amount of graphic violence in it overrode the plot, characters, and graphics. I couldn't speak for about a half an hour afterwards for fear that I'd just burst into tears. Not my kind of movie. When home, became less sober and, here's the up part, got my hair brushed. Yes, a very small, silly thing, but as no one ever does it, it completely made my day. And after people went home, Adelie curled up with me in bed. Awww... (On a side note, I really need to get new icons. I no longer remember what most of them are from or why I found them so amusing.) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 8th, 2007
12:03 am	Here I am again, awake after midnight with no chance of going to sleep. Fuck. I would write about what's been on my mind all day, but I don't quite know how to articulate it and I don't really want to show everyone how completely and utterly unbalanced I am. Or maybe I'm just imagining it. Maybe I've created this because I believe I'm not entirely sane. Who the fuck knows? One minute I think one thing, the next, another. I don't even know my own opinion. It's truly frightening sometimes. My short story teacher said that we cannot prove that anything exists outside our own thoughts. I can't even prove that my thoughts are mine. In the morning, I'm sure I'll look at this entry and think that, once again, I've blown things way out of proportion. It can't be that bad. There isn't really anything wrong with me. I don't know which part of myself to believe: nighttime or morning after? Gods, I know this entry must make no sense at all. I'm sorry. Current Music: speakers fuzzing (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
12:24 am	I should go to sleep, I really should. I'm gonna regret staying up tomorrow morning, but right now the idea of turning off the light and being alone in the dark doesn't appeal to me. Because I'm a sad sack of crap like that. Today was okay. I slept in, did laundry, watched MASH, cleaned up the kitchen and went to work. Work seemed to take forever, though. It was really slow and at eight, it felt like it was ten. So that was fun. Got a lot of reading done. As much as I love Sara Douglass, though, her stories sometimes seem like watching a train wreak in slow motion. If it can go wrong, it will at some point. Don't get me wrong,(ha, how many times can I use that word in a row, do you think?) she's a really good writer and I love her stories, but reading one of her books for almost two hours straight (reaaaaaally slow at cashwrap) is a little much. Of course, I shouldn't have started reading it because I knew it would make me lonely. There is a lot of sex (not written out, really, just there) and a lot of, oh I don't know, just touch, I guess. It just drives home the fact for me that I have no one to hug. Nothing to sleep with but a damn body pillow. There have been very few people in my life that I have felt comfortable with (and they have felt comfortable enough around me) to just touch. And I'm not talking about anything intimate here, just the kind of pile o' people that the group has when everyone's together. All of those very few people are very far away. God, I would do anything to just relax with someone, just touch. I'm a very tactile person. I need touch to anchor me. I don't know why the fuck I'm talking about this here. It's not really helping me and it'll only worry others. But it's typed out, so it might as well be thrown into cyberspace, so here you go. Current Music: the vent rattling (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 1st, 2007
1:09 pm	Holy fuck, it's actually happening. I'm going to graduate. Not that, you know, I didn't think I was gonna, but I just got an e-mail telling me I could now apply and have a spot in the ceremony. Holy crap. I'm not going to be in school forever. It's an odd feeling. I've been in school so long that I never really thought about what it would feel like for it to be over, at least for awhile. So, yeah. Mind goes BOOM! I am now off to a craft store to buy crafty things for a crafty project. ^^ (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
1:11 am	I haven't posted in awhile, I know, but, as usual, my first post in awhile is to bitch. Just need to get it out of my system. Don't read on if you don't want to deal with it. I hate being alone. I've always hated it. I hate hearing nothing but my own thoughts, my own voice talking to the cats, and the lassitude that develops when there's no one else around. However, this semester I'm getting a crash course in How to Deal With Being Alone. Most of my time is spent without company, and I count the time I'm at UT for this. It's impossible to make friends on that campus. I've tried. I've talked to other people who've tried. When people go to class, yes they talk with others sometimes, but it's just small talk. The weather. The homework. The professor. It never goes beyond that. It's like a phenomenon where being in a place with 50,000 other people just makes everyone shut down as far as social skills go. Yes, people meet and make friends in clubs and things like that, but I have no desire to join any clubs. So I really shouldn't be bitching, since there is a way out that I refuse to take. But bitching uselessly is what blogs are for. So there. Most of the time I'm okay. As long as I can see someone every other day or so, I get along fine. Ah fuck it. I'm tired of bitching. I'm in a short story class and we're talking about our first ones tomorrow. I don't really like either of them. One tries to be meaningful but wanders around so much that it kinda falls flat at the end and the other has so many references to things I don't understand that I just don't get it. So hopefully I'll have something to say about them tomorrow. I'm almost done with mine, so I might be submitting mine to the class in the next week or so. I'm rather proud of it, but I have the feeling that I'm gonna be taken down a peg or two. Ah well. I need it to keep my head from being too big. Also, anyone who would like pictures of Ivan the Wiggly, comment here or send me and e-mail and I'll e-mail them to you. He's getting pretty big. He's almost as big as Jack now, and he's only about four months old. Momma's been trying to teach him about the electric fence, but his fur is so thick that he couldn't feel the shock from the collar. So we shaved his neck. We felt really bad, but better that than having him wander in front of a car or getting poisoned by the birdman if he starts trying to eat the birds. (Katie keeps insisting that's what happened to Domino, and I know it happened to another dog in our neighborhood many years ago.) So. Sleep now. Ja. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
6:37 pm	Puppy! Today Momma got a puppy. She got an e-mail from one of her coworkers this morning about a puppy who had been found wandering around, so she asked me if I would go with her to look at it to be the 'voice of reason.' Well, obviously what was reasonable was to adopt him. ^^ Momma and I fell in love on sight. He's some kind of yellow lab mix, we think, and he's going to be big. He's still got his puppy teeth, so he can't be very old... oh so cute! I'll post some pictures when I have some. She doesn't know what his name will be yet, but I'm sure that will come. She decided she wanted a puppy because Jack has too much energy to play with cats (he tries though) and I think he's been pretty lonely since Domino died. So. Yes. Little yellow lab puppies who will sit in your lap and lick your face are the cutest things ever. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
1:29 am	Twenty three years ago, I was born. Whoo. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
2:16 am	Tomorrow (today?) I'm off to cow country. Will probably post after that. I'm so fuckin fried. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 16th, 2006
11:25 pm	I've been thinking a lot lately about how I view myself and about where those views came from. Read on at your own risk. ( Here we go. ) Tomorrow I'm driving up to Denton to see my puppy. Yay! Current Mood: drained (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
10:11 am	What the fuck. O.J. Simpson, I think you are the lowest excuse for a human being on this planet. When I first heard about your trial in middle school, all I knew was that some black guy with a name like what I drank for breakfast had probably killed some people and I didn't really care. I continued not caring until this moment, and now you dare practically come out and say you did it so you can make money off the fucking book?! You goddamn pig-fucking son of a pig-fuckig bitch. I hope that you die an awful death, slow and painful, and then when you get down to hell, I hope the people you killed and there, waiting for you, so you can live the entire night in reverse over and over and over again until you beg and cry for mercy that will NEVER fucking come. AAAAARG!!!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 4th, 2006
8:56 pm	So I'm writing this really awesome paper for one of my classes and it's reminding me how very much I love the ancient Egyptians. The paper's about what iconography the Virgin Mary took from Isis and when I started researching into it, there was much more than I thought. Even the vulture is seen as a Mary symbol, which I found interestingly odd. (something about how people used to believe their eggs were fertilized by the east wind. @_@) My only problem on the paper is finding images large enough to use as examples. Why are all the suitable ones so tiny? Narg. I love Egyptian art, their myths, the way they thought, everything. Okay, the whole incest thing was strange, but that didn't generally happen outside the royal family and even then it was only during times when they felt the need to establish their power more firmly. Pure blood and all that. But come on, a dung beetle for a sun god? How awesome is that? (Yes, I'm strange. You like me that way.) In other news, Katie's birthday was yesterday. I sang happy birthday to her. She told me not to lose my day job. ^^ Work is good, school is still a pain, but I'm getting through it. I signed up for classes this morning. Only two! I'm considering picking up another just for fun one, as I think it'll cost the same anyway (damn you UT!) but I'm not sure. The idea of only two classes has such a draw. ^^ That's all I got. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
3:39 pm	I signed up for my senior seminar today, and then promptly had a panic attack because I realized for the first time that my graduating in the spring is actually real! Holy crap! After being in school for eighteen years, I'm not sure I'm gonna know what to do with myself when August rolls around and I'm not in school. All in all, though, I'm ready to be out. We had a Lemony Snickett party at B&N on the 13th and I got to hear the following announcement: "We have a drawing for a signed Lemony Snickett book. You probably won't win, but come do it anyway." How often does someone actually get to say that?! It was awesome. ^^ So... you may have noticed I haven't been posting. Not unusual for me, I admit, but I keep meaning to! Real life and laziness just keep getting in the way. I've finally learned how to balance school and work (knock on wood) though I have two papers due next week and I work every day except one between then and now. Holy crap. @_@ I'm not working for too long tonight though, just four hours because they're gonna be really busy and I felt guilty for asking off early on Saturday. And Saturday is Petshop Boys! Hurray! I'm going to get out of the house and do something that isn't with either of my parents! This is a big thing for me. ^^;;;;; Generally I'm too busy and too much of a homebody to actually go out and do stuff that doesn't involve keeping my mom from being lonely. California rolls= good Wasabi= OH GOD MY NOSTRILS ARE ON FIRE okay I feel better. Burn baby burn. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
5:49 pm	How to scare Ricky: So I put collars on the kitties (we'd taken them off awhile ago because the fleas were just hiding out under them.) Not five minutes later, I see Adelie with blood on her paws, desperately trying to get her lower jaw out from under the collar. I don't know how she did it, I don't know where she was bleeding, but damn she scared the hell out of me. *goes off to snuggle kitty* (Comment on this)
3:08 pm	ist five truths. Five things that are on your mind. Good, bad, it matters not. Lift some weight off. Then pick five people to do the same. 1. I have no idea what I'm going to do when I graduate. 2. I have the same couple of songs running through my head almost every day. 3. I haven't been hugged or touched by anyone in three days. (when you're used it it more often, it's an eternity) 4. I said I would go to Thanksgiving in Wisconsin, but I regret it. 5. I miss Abe. Zieram Dragonrhyme Erato k_wedge rosetea (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
12:55 am	So. An entry I've been thinking about for months, half dreading it because actually typing it out an posting it seems to make it more real. For four and a half years, I haven't been apart from Abe for more than two weeks at a time. When we were at the apartment, I saw him every day, slept with him every night, and basically almost never had a time when I couldn't reach out and hold his hand just because I wanted to. Now he's in college. I couldn't be prouder. But now I've realized that I have to build a life that's almost completely separate from his, just as he is doing up there. I have to fill up the time we used to spend together with something else, find something else to distract me from the fact that he's not here. I don't even know where to begin. I am dead serious when I say that Abe is the only friend I made in college. I know others through him, but don't ever see them when he's not here. I don't know how to talk with people I don't know, I don't know how to make friends, I don't even know how to start a conversation with the person next to me in class that lasts for more than five minutes. Because they never go on longer than that, no matter how much I rack my brains for something, anything to say. This is not to say that I'm not still trying, or that I've given up hope of improving. I went to Hang Out today, which is basically a gay and lesbian group that has a picnic every Friday. It was okay. They were nice, though I didn't have much to add to the conversation. (Seriously, I'm not going to give my opinion of dildos and cunnilingus the first time I meet them. Other than watching a girl give a 'how to put on a condom' demonstration, that was the conversation.) Fuck. You'd think after getting through being suicidal, this would be easy. Oh well. What doesn't kill me will slowly suck my strength.... I mean make me stronger. ^_^ I ain't that emo anymore. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 18th, 2006
9:41 pm	My day = 1. Waking up feeling like crap. 2. Dozing off in an interesting class. 3. Getting on the wrong bus, despite the fact that I ride that bus every other day and should know the route by now. 4. Getting bubble tea with Momma. (Good thing! Yay!) 5. Discovering that the drivers side of my car had an inch of water in it due to me leaving the window open all night. 6. Baling out car. Literally. 7. Retrieving a nightstand Aunt Sue gave me and finding happy-fun fabric in it. (Yay! More sewing! Now if I could only find the time...) 8. Had a picture fall off the wall. Nearly gave me a heart attack because it's my favorite of Momma's watercolors. It's okay though. (whew) 9. Getting various household chores done instead of doing homework. 10. Listing everything I did today on LJ instead of doing homework. 11. Back to the homework. (Comment on this)