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Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
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10:24 am
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I didn't fall off the face of the Earth. A tree in my backyard got struck by lightning and fried my alarm system, home phone, cable, internet, and my second computer. The first computer was already fucked so now I'm totally without one. My mom borrowed a laptop from her secretary but I can't get online with it because it's school board issued which basically means it can't be used for anything good!
I have a brand new HP on the way. It was on sale. I haven't had an HP in years and I'm hoping I like it. I did all kinds of upgrades and stuff so hopefully it'll be a better experience than the last HP I had.
Anyway, I'm at work, at my NEW job at the NEW studio so I should stop doing this and get some work done. But it's definitely nice to have internet access here!
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| Monday, June 30th, 2008
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2:37 pm - new music I'm loving
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I rarely pimp full albums because it's honestly quite a feat to come up with 10 or more tracks that I enjoy all on one CD that isn't a greatest hits type compilation. In the past few months I have been pleasantly surprised by both Alanis and Madonna. Madonna's new CD, Hard Candy, was beyond impressive, as far as I'm concerned. I have been a fan of her and her music for as long as I can remember (she and Whitney Houston are the first "new" musicians I recall liking, as I started forming opinions outside of what my parents were teaching me) but I have never so thoroughly enjoyed an entire album by her. She totally kicked ass this time. I swear that woman just gets better and better. It does, of course, help that I have always been totally in awe of her ability to push the envelope. This CD is actually much safer than some in her past but I love it just the same.
Anyone who has ever been a fan of Alanis Morissette, must hear (and buy) her new album. Flavors of Entaglement is, in my opinion, the best thing she's done since Jagged Little Pill. I never stopped liking her music, but I was seriously disappointed by Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie, and Under Rug Swept never totally did it for me. It had a handful of songs I loved and a few that I'd skip right over whenever I listened. Her newest release though, is enjoyable from beginning to end. It's more mature that Jagged Little Pill but has a wide emotional range, with intense powerful songs as well as more insightful quiet melodies and a few quirky pieces added in for good measure on the Deluxe version.
The new Jewel... well, all I can say is I'm disappointed. I haven't loved anything she's done since Pieces of You, but I was mildly entertained by her other stuff. This album fits into that category. I listened to it once, beginning to end, and it was enjoyable enough but certainly not something I would pull out time and time again. It has a very country sound to it, which I don't have an aversion to under normal circumstances. I'm actually a big fan of some country artists. I always liked that bit of folk flair she added to some of her stuff, but she crossed a line here that I'm not partial to. I don't really know why it is. The songs are certainly above average in the whole scheme of things, but I'm just not impressed.
The semi-new Janet has kept me entertained for a while now. It's certainly not a mega hit like janet. or Velvet Rope or even All 4 U, but it's a hell of a lot better than Damita Jo or 20 Y.O.! There are some songs that are amazing that I'm totally hooked on and some that I pretty much hate. Usually the balance leans more toward the loving but this time it's pretty much even. Not that it really matters anyway because what I look forward to most where she is concerned is her concerts! Even when her songs are mediocre, her concerts and especially the choreography are amazing. Can't wait for October!
Another full CD that I'm in love with is by a lesser known artist named Sara Melson. Her release is called Dirty Mind and I've been listening to it for almost 2 months now and I'm still not sick of it. Wish I could say the same for Sara Barielles, who has certainly been having more commercial success with her song Love Song. I really like that song and also the track called Gravity, but the others are just so-so as far as I'm concerned. Sara Melson's pieces are just more interesting to me, both musically and lyrically.
Other current favorites... Amy MacDonald's album This is the Life is awesome. She's another one that most people have probably never heard of and it's really a shame because I love her stuff. And, as usual, I'm still listening to a lot of Brandi Carlile, Missy Higgins (love her!), Terra Naomi, Rilo Kiley. Marie Digby's album Unfold is pretty good too but I'm finding myself playing it less and less so maybe my interest is fading. I like Kate Voegele too but not quite as much as some people seem to. I don't know if it's the whole MySpace fairy tale connection or what. I think she's a good musician and her songs are enjoyable but I feel that way about a lot of people. Leona Lewis is another one I'm mildly enjoying. She's a great vocalist and her song Bleeding Heart ties Love Song for the catchiest hook of the summer - that's for sure!
I also downloaded the album Scarlett Johansson released and I just don't get it. That's really all I can say about it. I think I don't like it, but I'm not quite sure yet.
On my list of newish downloads that still need to be listened to:
Jason Mraz - We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things
Gavin DeGraw - Gavin DeGraw
REM - Accelerate (yeah, I know it's been out a while but I'm very backed up with music here!)
I also have a bunch of older albums to listen to by people like Sia, Blue October, Ingrid Michaelson, Joshua Radin, Tristan Prettyman, and I don't know who else. I'm, once again, overwhelmed by the amount of music I have!
And this whole thing started because I wanted to tell people about the Alanis CD because I'm so in love with it right now. So if you get nothing else from this, get that!
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| Sunday, June 29th, 2008
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1:49 am - feeling gross (TMI)
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| Monday, June 23rd, 2008
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1:07 am
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| Wednesday, June 18th, 2008
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2:19 am
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On 9/17/07 I wrote these words:
The reality still hasn't set in. I mean, I know he's gone. He's never coming back. I'll never see him again. But I don't fully understand what that means.... not sure if that makes sense.
It's been nine months since my dad died. I say the words, I type the words, but I still don't fully understand them. I know that I have spent every day for the last nine months living without my father. I haven't seen his face or heard his voice. Sometimes I walk into my mom's room and see the urn on top of the armoire and I realize that all that's left of his physical being are the ashes in there. And even with that realization, it still doesn't feel real. I can't connect the dots between the facts. I wonder if I ever will.
I have the urge to call him less and less often now. I don't forget as much anymore. It's always in my consciousness and yet somehow I still have those moments where I go, "oh my G-d, he's dead". They're so random and discombobulating. Last night I was brushing my hair and it hit me. The day before I was driving to my therapy appointment and I felt it. It's like my heart skips a beat and then falls into my stomach. That's the best way I can describe it. It's just my world crumbling over and over again, every time I have one of those moments.
Shit. That sounds so pitiful. When did I become so dramatic?
current mood:  sad
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| Saturday, June 14th, 2008
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2:21 am - holding myself accountable
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I have been doing a ridiculous amount of spending during this week I've had off from work. I finished with the studio and haven't started with the store yet so I technically have no income right now but I'm blowing money like there's no tomorrow. I've been shopping every day this week which wouldn't be that big of a deal, but I actually bought things most days. Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday I just went to TJ Maxx (3 different ones because I was finding such good stuff) and did some intense bargain hunting. They were very fruitful journeys - got a lot of awesome deals. Then today I went to the mall and blew more money there. I was rationalizing it by saying that my tax rebate check was going to cover it all, but I blew that and then some. Not good. I realize this is becoming a problem. I need to stop. The problem is that I have also spent a lot of time this week cleaning out my closet and I really do not have that much clothing that I can actually wear anymore. I finally decided to get rid of my "going out" clothes. When I do go places I don't usually go to clubs anymore and I don't need those kinds of outfits. Plus a lot of that stuff doesn't look good on the body I have now, which is just depressing. I mean, I do kind of need clothes... I guess "need" is not really accurate. It's just that compared to what my closet looked like before, it's kind of pitiful now. It's so empty!
The real problem is my lack of control though. It's another form of self destruction that could get really bad if I don't watch it. Right now my motivation for keeping it under control is simply knowing that I can't put my financial stress on my mother. She already has enough of her own. So I can't fuck up so much that I will need her to bail me out. But even after sitting here all night thinking about how much I spent and how I need to stop immediately, I still went ahead and spent $30 to join the bullshit fan club so I could get pre-pre-pre-sale tickets to Janet Jackson's concert. Truthfully I've been waiting for her to tour again for 7 years, since her last tour, so it's not totally insane. I don't go to that many concerts but I have certain artists that I just refuse to miss when they tour. I had to cross Madonna off that list because her tickets have just gotten to be ridiculous. Well, I've never paid as much for Janet tickets as I just did - $300 for A and me. Granted, because of pre-sales if I had waited to buy with the general public I would've been 20 miles from where we got our seats, but they also would've been more like $100 total. It was stupid, but it's done. Whatever. Can't change it now. I just need to stop. The problem is, I still need to get my car windows tinted! I cannot go through a FL summer with no tint - it's too damn hot here! And my mother and I are talking about going to L.A. for a week or so and that's going to be a lot of $$$. Fuck. Why does the economy have to be crashing right now?!
I need to watch my spending starting now. It's the extras that are killing me. I need to give it a rest for a while. I know I can do it. I just don't really want to!
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| Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
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2:56 am
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| Sunday, May 18th, 2008
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1:47 am - big 3-0
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Another year older. Yippee! Truthfully I don't care. I'm not one of those people who has issues with getting older. Sometimes I think about how old I am and go like "you really need to figure out what the fuck you're doing with your life" but other than that, it's just one of those facts that we all deal with. It is a little weird to be in a whole new decade though. My 20s were so consumed by dysfunction and destruction and then trying to pick up the pieces of all that. It was way too much chaos and insanity. I'm hoping I can make my 30s more simple and peaceful.
( ..... )
current mood:  sleepy
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| Sunday, May 11th, 2008
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2:15 am
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I cannot believe that I'm about to be 30 years old. How is that even possible?
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| Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
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2:27 am
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The "weekly challenge" post on Pandy's this week was to pretend that a miracle happens while I'm sleeping tonight and it erases all of the things in my life that brought me to join Pandy's, except when I wake up I have no idea that the miracle happened. Then there were a series of questions to answer to help describe what the miracle will make life look like. The first one was: What is the first thing you notice when you wake up that is different that tells you that this miracle occured?
The answer that popped into my head was that my dad was still alive. Why, after all these years, after all my therapy and just learning about life and reality, do I still believe in my heart that my abuse and my father's health are directly connected? Why would I think that never being abused would mean he would be alive now? He had his first heart attack before I was ever raped. It just doesn't make sense.
Maybe I wasn't really answering that question at all. Maybe it's just my intrusive wishful thinking.
Why is it that when I sit here and think about the fact that my father is dead, I still can't fully comprehend it? I've been living with it for almost 8 months now. Every day I think about him not being here. I feel the emptiness every single day. I notice his absence all the time. So why is it that I still don't understand it?
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| Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
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12:20 am - the guilt is back
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2008
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10:50 pm - unbelievable!
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D and I have not been getting along for quite a while now. She's been nitpicking everything I do, even though it's exactly the same as it has been for the past 3 years. She's implied in person and outright stated in emails (coward) that I'm not doing my job. She has said that she's told me things that I'm 100% sure she never did. She has come up with these weird expectations that were never in place before that she swears I've always done. Like 2 weeks ago she couldn't pay us because she said I never put the deposit in her purse "like I've always done". Never have I once put the fucking deposit in her purse. Sometimes near her purse, but never in. And most of the time I don't even do that! She knows where it is. She's capable of opening the drawer and taking it out which is all she needs to do since I already enter everything and total it. Anyway, I've been biting my tongue and trying to keep the peace even though I want to tell her at least once a day what a bitch I think she is. She continually undermines my authority with my classes, which I've been letting slide also because I don't want to tell her how unprofessional she is because it will not come out nicely. She has blamed me for every single fucking mistake that's been made in preparation for the recital and the vast majority of them were not my doing. Actually probably 98% of them were her fault!
Today I went in for a rehearsal that I didn't want to have for a class that she pawned off on me in the middle of the year (yet she complains that she only teaches 2 classes - whose fault is that?!). There was a modern "workshop" right before and I got there about 30 minutes early so I could watch the girls. When I walked in I barely got a hello from her and her fiance didn't acknowledge my presence at all. She was sitting in the office with the husband of the woman teaching the modern class so instead of going in there to do the stuff I was planning on doing that's been backing up, I sat in the lobby and waited. They were stuffing envelopes and putting labels on them and I started to put pieces together. My boss has made it clear in the past that she was not interested in having modern at her studio so when she announced the modern workshop, I thought it was weird. Then seeing them sitting there, doing business stuff, when I know how private she usually is about business... Plus the other night, I saw an ad on another site for a salsa teacher for the studio and I know she didn't post it because she had to have me do it last time because she didn't know how. And when I looked up the name of the company referenced in the ad as "in conjunction with" the studio, I found that the domain for the studio had been registered, which was something I had tried to get her to do, in order to build a website because every fucking body that has a business has a website, except for her. I knew that she's been planning on selling the studio for years now because during my first interview with her almost 3 years ago she mentioned it to me. So I figured that this modern teacher must be buying it and they were working on sending out letters notifying people about the change.
Well, apparently, she has already sold it to them. Not only that, but she made the announcement today, to all of the kids that came to the workshop, and she didn't even say a word to me about it. When I got there, they all already knew. She not only didn't tell me before she told everyone else, but she didn't tell me after either! I just happened to figure it out because I'm not an idiot.
I have worked my butt off for that woman for 3 years and I think it's just so low to treat me this way. I tolerate so much from her. This year she has pretty much stopped being there entirely and I've been running the place even more than in the past. I've stopped expecting her to appreciate what I do, but I think not telling me something so major, something that effects me directly, is just unprofessional and disrespectful. And apparently, as part of her announcement, she notified the students that neither I nor L (who just had her baby this morning and was also not planning on returning) would be returning! Who tells their clients that before they tell their employees?! It's such a cowardly thing to do. It fits though. She is such a child. All year she has been sending L and I these passive-aggressive emails filled with criticisms and detailed lists of how we're not doing what we're supposed to, yet when she sees us she's nice as can be. I hate people like that. Make a fucking decision, you know? If you're pissed, be pissed, be rude to me. I'd rather she did that than what she does. She comes across as an unprofessional, pitiful coward.
I know that I have gone above and beyond for her and her studio. In 3 years I've missed three weeks of work, total - one when I had jury duty, one when my brother got married, and one when my father died. Other than that, I have been there every single day I was supposed to, even when I was sick. I subbed for other teachers when they couldn't come in but only needed a sub for myself those few times, which she made me feel shitty about each time, especially with the jury duty and when my dad died. Both of those things were this school year and it was like she couldn't function without me. I pick up everyone else's slack, including her's. Well, I'm done. I have 4 weeks until the recital and in that time I don't plan on doing anything but what absolutely needs to be done. It's not my problem anymore.
Everyone I have told about this so far says that I should just not show up for work anymore. I mean, as far as I know, the studio has been sold and I don't have a job anymore. I haven't been told when that starts. It could be effective immediately. Who am I to expect that someone who hates me and has that little respect for me would want me to stay on to help her for these last few weeks? I should just let the new owners help her. I can't do that though. I'm not that kind of person and I wouldn't abandon the kids. But I definitely will not be going out of my way or getting stressed about anything, including the recital. I care about the kids and their performance but I couldn't care less about making her life easier.
You know, I generally have pretty low expectations of people because of my life experiences, but the one thing I do require of people in my life is basic respect. I am just totally baffled by her ability to treat me like this. I'm not angry or hurt. I think that's surprising some people. I'm really not. I have cut whatever little emotional ties I had to her already because she was being so abusive toward me I just had to stop caring. I have already started looking for a new job so that doesn't worry me. I just can't quite understand how she can so easily treat me with such blatant disregard. It almost makes me feel sorry for her because it says a lot about her character. I almost feel sorry for her. Bitch. Ha, ha, ha!
Now I just need to do a little research. I'm thinking about collecting unemployment because I know that will effect her and I kind of want to give her a "fuck you" in the same passive aggressive way she's given one to me. Oh, I plan on giving her a regular one too, but that's just going to be the long drawn out way I make her suffer for the next few weeks. But I need to find out more about unemployment and what it actually means to the employer. I know, in the past, another teacher collected against her over summer because she closes then and it really pissed D off because it effected her taxes. But I don't know if that's going to matter now that the studio is under new ownership, though I'm not sure that's 100% official yet. I'm not sure that I'd want the new owners to have to suffer because of her, though I don't think I really care. I just need to figure out if it'll be worth it. The truth is, I do have another job at the store if I want it. It's getting to be uniform season again and I know they need help so I coud make money doing that. But I'd kind of rather be a bitch to D.
Anyway, I find this whole thing quite amusing really. My mom is very pissed about the way D has treated me. My mom and actually another person on a dance board I belong to both said that this was very low class of D. I couldn't find a good description for it, but that seems about right. I was stuck on disrespectful and unprofessional and it is both of those things but I think low class is more appropriate. And childish. I love how I am consistently cursed with having these psychotic dance instructors in my life. What is up with that? I know not all dance teachers are like this because I know a lot of them and they're just not! But I get stuck with the damaged, immature, freaks on power trips.
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| Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
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2:14 am - i hate life
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| Thursday, April 24th, 2008
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12:38 am
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I met with the guys from the new studio today. It's going to be a beautiful place. They seem really cool and open to me teaching and working the desk (with much less responsibility than I currently have), which would be perfect. I just hope they can give me enough hours at a decent pay. I told them I'd be willing to work with them a little as far as my hourly goes because I know that they're a new studio and they don't know what to expect as far as enrollment and stuff. Hopefully they'll be able to work me in to the staff because I cannot stand working for D! Regardless of what happens, that has to be over. It's just hard to walk away from the good pay of teaching, without something comparable to go to. But I keep reminding myself how miserable she makes me and no amount of money should be able to sway me when I take that into consideration. Unfortunately, it still kind of does.
We only have 5 weeks of classes left until the recital and only one of my dances is done. One, out of six. That's so not ok. I can't understand why these kids can't practice and remember this stuff. I've simplified everything to the point where I truly think it's ridiculous. It's the kind of silly choreography that I would make fun of if I saw someone doing it. That's not nice, I know. What can I say? I'm a dance snob.
Kim had asked me to journal before my next session and I know this is not what she had in mind and I had intended on writing something with substance but I just feel so burned out right now. I can't even get to that place in my head.
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| Sunday, April 13th, 2008
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12:37 am - hand pain
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People keep telling me that I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome because my hands are hurting all the time and it's not exactly a stretch considering how much time I spend at computers. But Carpal Tunnel mainly affects the thumb, index and middle fingers. My pain is on the other side of my hand and runs up the outside of my forearm. It's really bad today (and yeah I know, I should be resting it and not typing) so I decided to do some research and I think what I have is Cubital Tunnel Syndrome. That's when the ulnar nerve, not the median nerve, is irritated. It makes a hell of a lot more sense to me because I have been wearing wrist splints for years, just to be sure my hands are in the proper position to avoid Carpal Tunnel, but nobody ever said anything about prolonged elbow bending! And apparently it's also possible that this problem originates in my neck and has just been aggravated by too much typing and mouse use. Either way it pretty much sucks because the solution is to cut back or stop the activity that causes the problem and me not using my hands is just not going to happen. Even if I try to stay away from the computer, anything else I would do, with the exception of laying in front of the TV, would involve the use of at least one hand in some capacity. I don't want to have surgery though, if this truly is what I think it is. The only way to avoid that is to keep it from getting worse, since it's just at the point now where the symptoms are getting to be a constant problem. Personally, I think it's because I've been doing a lot of data entry at the store and it might go away when I'm done with this project. I hope. Right now it kind of sucks though.
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| Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
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11:59 am - ugh
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2:46 am - how brave I've been
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A new studio is opening next season, very close to my house. I heard about it last week when I was at the store working and I decided to check it out. I know who the owner is because we used to compete against each other when we were younger. I looked for him on MySpace (took forever to track him down!) and messaged him, just putting it out there that I'd like to talk if he's interested. He got back to me and seemed very enthusiastic. We've exchanged a few emails and now he wants to meet and talk some more.
How out of character is this? Seriously, even when I'm being manic and impulsive I usually don't do stuff like this. It could be good though. Really good. And it would be an interesting step forward because it's still working in a dance studio but the owners are men and I know for sure one of them is not gay, though he is in a relationship. That doesn't matter for any reason other than my aversion to being around men because of my threat/target issue with them.
Shit. I have a doctor's appointment at 11:15 a.m. to finally get my bloodwork done for my thyroid. I meant to go to sleep a long time ago. Whoops. I'm waiting for a stupid video of my choreography to upload so I can send this email off to him before I go to bed. Hurry!! G-d, the only thing more frustrating than yelling at a piece of hardware is trying to teach my dance challenged children their recital dances.
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| Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
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10:36 am - yesterday
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Twice in one day I was told "it's the motivation behind the behavior that matters". Two different people (Kim and A) and two different topics (sex and dieting). It's so annoying when people are right.
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| Monday, April 7th, 2008
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1:10 am - power and abuse
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| Monday, March 31st, 2008
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11:34 pm - sadness and temptation
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through_thefire's journal