The Scribbles of a Sojourner

[Yes, the Narnia series is technically still "on hold indefinitely"...life has been crazy lately (but crazy is good...or so I've heard!) and blogging time is scarce...but I still am definitely planning on continuing the series at some point, but it certainly won't be a regular thing...at least for now.  I have several Narnia posts in my head...the hard part is actually having the time and motivation to put them on my blog.  But I happen to have a bit of both right now...so I might as well "have a go at it" (as they say in NZ)!]

"'You have a traitor there, Aslan,' said the Witch. Of course eveyone present knew that she meant Edmund. But Edmund had got past thinking of himself after all that he's been through and after the talk he'd had that morning. He just went on looking at Aslan. It didn't seem to matter what the Witch said."
~C.S. Lewis; The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

As many of the readers here probably know, the context for this particular quote is when the White Witch comes to demand Edmund's life from Aslan. As stated, Edmund is a traitor and as such, by rights, his blood belongs to the Witch. The night before the Witch's audience with Aslan, Edmund had been rescued from almost being murdered by the Witch, and that morning had a conversation with Aslan that "no one ever heard...[but] Edmund never forgot".

When I first really read the above quote, I was just dumbfounded by the parallels between what Edmund did and what I often fail to do. I sin...again and again and again...and I beat myself up for it, basically not accepting grace. I listen to the lies...and I also listen to what would be the truth if I didn't have Jesus' righteousness covering me.  Yes...I am a traitor...of the worst kind...but that sin, and all the other ones as well, has been washed away and I am clean.  But when I listen to "the Witch", it takes my eyes off of Jesus and what He has done for me.  However, if I keep looking to Him and not thinking of myself anymore, then it doesn't really matter what "the Witch" says...I know what Jesus has said...and that's enough.


"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." ~1 John 1:9

[No, we weren't without Internet for this long...it was about a week and then life continued to happen at a rather crazy pace...thusly, no blogging until now. And really, this probably couldn't even be considered real "blogging"...since most of it is quoting others...]

Recently, through things happening in my life and through conversations had with others, I'm becoming more and more aware of how desperately I need God...all the time. He is everything and without Him, I am and have nothing. All I really have to "offer" Him is my desperate need for Him. It reminded me of a quote from C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves...

[Speaking of how every human's love for God is a "Need-love"] "But in the long run it is perhaps even more apparent in our growing - for it ought to be growing - awareness that our whole being by its very nature is one vast need; incomplete, preparatory, empty yet cluttered, crying out for Him who can untie things that are now knotted together and tie up things that are still dangling loose."

Yes...I certainly am just "one vast need"...desperately wanting to be untied and tied up.

I posted that quote on my blog quite a few months back, after I had finished reading The Four Loves...and with it I posted several other quotes from that excellent book. Tonight, when copying the "vast need" quote, I saw another one of my favourite Lewis quotes and it seemed to relate here...

"Grace substitutes a full, childlike and delightful acceptance of our Need, a joy in total dependence. We become 'jolly beggars'. The good man is sorry for the sins which have increased his Need. He is not entirely sorry for the fresh Need they have produced. And he is not sorry at all for the innocent Need that is inherent in his creaturely condition. For all the time this illusion to which nature clings as her last treasure, this pretence that we have anything of our own or could for one hour retain by our own strength any goodness that God may pour into us, has kept us from being happy. We have been like bathers who want to keep their feet - or one foot - or one toe - on the bottom, when to lose that foothold would be to surrender themselves to a glorious tumbles in the surf."

"Total dependence"...that's exactly what it is. Tumbles in the surf are wonderful, but first you have to give up any control (or illusion of control) of our own strength...and throw yourself entirely upon His mercy. And it will be glorious...


"I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing." ~John 15:5

Much has been happening here in the past couple weeks...good things, some very good, but put altogether they take up a lot of time.  The most time-consuming being...tomorrow we (meaning Rob, Heather, the kids and I) are moving to the very southern tip of New Zealand.  So the last week or so has been full of packing and deep-cleaning the house we're leaving...boring, yet very time-consuming.  And, as of tomorrow, we'll be without Internet much for awhile...I'm not sure how long.  So, any new posts may be a bit in coming and the Narnia series is put on hold indefinitely...which is sad since it seemed like several people were looking forward to it.  Oh well...


"But as it is written: 'Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.'" ~1 Corinthians 2:9

If you want to start a good discussion at a Bible college, tell people that you think door-to-door witnessing isn't the best way to share Jesus. The discussion can very quickly become heated and some people are appalled that you can be a Christian and think that. Guess how I know these things...

Yes, for a long time I've thought that door-to-door "witnessing" and randomly coming up to people and asking them if they "know Jesus" wasn't the best way of making more disciples of Him. To me it just seems quite sterile...not at all relationally-based, which, as I've seen in the Bible, was how Jesus worked. I never really had many concrete Scriptures to back up my very atypical view of evangelising...it just has never seemed the best way.

But, last night, on a friend's Facebook page, I came across a link to an excellent article that completely agreed with much of what I've thought about the issue...I love it when that happens! The article, entitled "Wretched Urgency", makes many bold statements about Christian evangelism...statements that are thoroughly backed up by Scripture. I highly recommend that you read the entire article (don't be put off by its length...it's well worth it!), but I'll share a quote from it that I found quite profound.

"I cannot read the New Testament and conclude I should be full of the mindset and emotions of a person set on the street to make his living going door to door selling an unwanted product. I do not see a person overrun with guilt, but overjoyed in grace. I do not see the heaviness of a burden for the lost, but the joy of the saved visible and alive in the heart of the Christian. Hell, for all its reality, is not the reality that fills and motivates the Christian."

Jesus, and Him alone, should be the reality that fills us.


"Jesus replied: '"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment. "'" ~Matt. 22:37-38

Today was a lazy day and it was very wet, but mild outside...raining almost all day...either drizzling, or misting, or pelting it down.  A perfect day for a walk, yeah?!  I thought so as well...so I pulled on my wellies (finally dry inside after my "fall" into the ocean a couple weeks ago!) and a light rain jacket to keep most of the rain off my shirts and set off. 

There are some beautiful steep hills right by the house and when I queried Rob and Heather about how to get to the top, they told me about a track/trail I could use. I quickly found it and started up...it was quite steep and very shortly I was quite appalled at how out of shape I am!  I guess that comes from not getting out of the house very often...though I'm sure my arm muscles are in great shape from toting small children.  But anyway...that's not the point of this...  The point is that the walk was beautiful...mostly because of the wetness.  The rain was misting at this point and everything was dripping...it smelled quite green and I drank in the humidity.   Obviously I didn't have my hood up, since I know that, contrary to popular belief, hoods are only on rain jackets for their looks...you're not supposed to cover your head in the rain!  So...the mist/rain was on my face and in my hair and it was glorious!

The trail came out about two thirds of the way up the hill, onto a road with many driveways and walks coming off of it (there are houses covering the hills in the city).  I couldn't see the trail continuing anywhere and when I asked a woman passing by about it, she said that it didn't continue.  I followed the road down the other side of the hill (also quite beautiful) and it came out right at the beach. 

When most people find out that I live a ten minute walk from the ocean, they often ask if I spend a lot of time at the beach...and sadly, no.  In the past almost two months, I've been to that beach maybe four times.  It's crazy...all my life I've wanted to live by the ocean and now that I finally do, I hardly get to the beach.  There's just not enough time in the day...

But today there was and the beach was almost abandoned...I guess walking on the beach in the rain isn't a popular past-time in New Zealand!  I stopped and tucked by jeans into my wellies (called gum boots here)...not the most attractive look, but necessary if you're going to be walking near the water's edge and don't want the bottoms of your trousers to be wet and sandy. 

I started meandering down the beach in the direction of home, simply enjoying the solitude, the sound of the waves, the mist in my face, my dripping curls...all of it.  I love the ocean...it always has such a calming effect on me.  I picked up several nice shells, but spent most of the time thinking, praying or just being.  That's the wonderful thing about the ocean...or any beautiful place in nature really...you can go there and just be. 

The tide was coming in and the beach ended when it was lost to the waves hitting the rocks.  I decide to continue over the rocks in the direction of home and see if I could find any good shells that had evaded the less adventerous.  Wellies are definitely not made for their traction and wet rocks covered with ocean moss (or whatever that green stuff is) are quite slippy, so it was a bit dodgy at times, but I didn't fall and break my back (or any other part of me) and I didn't even get very wet, so all's well that ends well, or so I've heard.  I guess, all those years of hiking and climbing on the rocks in Valley of Fire (Nevada) when we were younger are still with me.  It actually really made me want to get back to that...I've always wanted to learn how to rock climb...I loved the one time I tried a climbing wall and have wanted to do more of that and the real thing ever since.  Someday...

It was a beautiful walk...needed and so enjoyed...but one of the most exciting things for me was that my "writer-ship" (or whatever to call it!) is coming back!  It used to be that when God taught me something, or something happened to me, my brain would almost immediately start composing it in written form in my head.  However, when I went to Bible college, I lost that, due either to busyness or my brain being fried from homework. And it only just now started coming back...so I got quite excited when, on my walk, my brain started composing.  I wonder how long it will last this time...


"Let heaven and earth praise Him, the seas and everything that moves in them." ~Psalm 69:34

Recently, someone told me that he thought that The Chronicles of Narnia were just children's books and had no spiritual significance oncesoever. !!!! After I picked myself up off the floor and started breathing again (well, not really, but close), I clarified what he said because I didn't think that anyone actually believed THAT. He did however...and let's just say that there wasn't much good conversation after that.

I find it funny that I'm such a passionate Narnia defender now, as several years ago I wouldn't have even dreamed of reading those books. In my later teens, in my hyper-legalistic stage, I was dead-set against anything that had any sort of "magic" in it. However, over the past few years, my convictions changed (or maybe I saw the difference between what I had made as my "convictions" and what God had actually convicted me of), and last spring I finally read Narnia. [And, for the record, my "convictions" have changed so much now that I'm actually in the middle of The Two Towers! Yes, at 22, I'm finally reading through The Lord of the Rings...and Tolkien definitely has a way with words.]

Narnia first became a part of me during my spring break of 2007. A couple months previous I had bought all the volumes in one bookand read through all of them as our Chorale toured Colorado and Kansas over that break. And I loved them! They may be children's books, but to me they seemed to communicate so many different spiritual truths. And since I learn best through stories and word pictures (or just the written word in general), they were truths that stuck with me long after I finished the books.

And that's probably why I reacted so strongly (minus the fainting, etc.) when confronted with someone who actually thought that The Chronicles of Narnia had no spiritual significance at all. Because some of the lessons that hit me the hardest came straight from the pages of those "children's books"...

Thus...the strongly-hinted-at series..."Lessons from Narnia". I tried to think of a more creative title, but my brain just couldn't do it...it's been a hard last couple of days. Yes, it's partly reactionary (me, reactionary?! No...!) because I want to truly prove that there's more to The Chronicles of Narnia than just "children's books"...but also because the Lord has truly used those books to teach me some good lessons and they should be shared.


"But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty..."~1 Cor. 1:27

I don't know how many people actually have read it, but in the "this sojourner" part of this blog is a short "About Me" thing that I typed up some time ago and added to as time passed (some of the most recent additions were actually permitted plagarisms from my dear sister-friend, Hannah).  I generally copy-and-paste that short paragraph to be used in "About Me" places on my other blog, on Facebook, HomeschoolAlumni.com, and the like.  It's brief and tells some about me without being too specfic.  To save you from having to go and look at it...it says :

I love...dancing in the rain...singing hymns and songs of praise to my Jesus...thunderstorms...sea mist in my hair and face...beauty...green places and the ocean...walking barefoot through dew-wet grass...dark chocolate and good coffee...photography...taking wandering walks...a good cup of tea...elegant simplicity...being with my dear friends and family...dark, grey, foggy days...writing...sunshine...cooking with lots of herbs, spices, garlic and butter...traveling...reading...being alone sometimes...wearing long skirts and dresses...babies and little ones...striving to follow, glorify and love my Lord and King in every aspect of my life.

All the things listed I truly do love...but when I was recently adding it to my profile somewhere and noticed that there's also something missing.  Something big. 

I love people.

It might sound trite and corny, but I really do love people. I love being with people, having deep conversations with them, being silent with them.  And more specifically, I love the Body of Christ. I find it an absolutely amazing thing...this Body created by God, a people for Himself, within which there sometimes is and more often should be a bond even when you don't really know the person yet...but you know that you are both His.

When I first noticed this was missing from my "About Me", I wondered why.  Because, after my relationship with Jesus, the people I love are the most important thing in my life to me.  And then I realised that it's probably because this love for people is so much a part of me that I don't really view as something separate that can be placed in a list with dark chocolate and photography.  And then last night I realised that it's also because, without clearly stating it, my love for people is so intertwined throughout that list.  So many of those loves have been shaped by the people I love...

Dancing in the rain...is one of my favourite simple joys of life, but dancing alone gets old very fast.  At school, many of my friends knew my love for being out in the rain and so when one of Missouri's frequent rain showers would come, a "rain run" might be quickly organised and several minutes later, the shrieks and laughter of college girls mixed with the sound of rain pelting down.  Or it might just be two of us, slowly walking through the gently-falling rain, talking or just enjoying the wetness.

Singing hymns and songs of praise to my Jesus...is such a joy, but it's so much more enjoyable when there is more than one voice and they are blending in worship of Him.  Anyone who has ever sang with me knows that I could sit for hours with a group of people and just sing.  Being in Chorale had its hard times, but it was so wonderful to sing in harmony with thirty-some other people.  And one of my other dear sister-friends, Julie, and I, would just sit on the floor in one of our rooms, her with her guitar, and we would just sing.  We even recorded a couple CDs!

Thunderstorms...are wonderful sit in the dark and watch with others...there's no need to talk, as God's creation speaks enough.

Dark chocolate and good coffee...never taste as amazing when you eat them alone...I'm serious.  It's actually kind of funny...I love good coffee now, but until about two years ago I had hardly had any.  And then...enter college, friends and Starbucks. Yes, my dear friends at school introduced me to Starbucks and got me loving coffee.  And really, even though we didn't go all that much (we couldn't afford it!), almost every time that we went was a time of sitting and having good conversations whilst sipping our drinks.  Sometimes it was just a dear sister-friend and I, or sometimes it was a small group of us, but for the most part (even when we went to "study") good conversations with dear friends accompanied my times of learning to love coffee.  And it's just a known fact...dark chocolate is better shared with a good friend...it just tastes better.

Photography...is usually the most fun when you're trying to capture a moment with friends.  And scenery pictures can get boring pretty quickly.

Taking wandering walks...I don't know how many walks I've taken with friends that were the backdrop for good conversations...about what God is teaching us, what we're struggling with...encouraging each other and just listening.  And sometimes...just walking and not talking at all.

A good cup of tea...has also been a part of many good conversations. Tea acts like coffee in that way...because both are hot and therefore take a long time to drink (for most people anyway), there's lots of opportunities for talking between sips!

Being with my dear friends and family...obviously relates the whole topic, but that phrase "being with" is just so...so...weak.  Maybe that's the whole problem with this all...that true relationships...where you are real and vulnerable and lay down your life for each other are beyond words. Yes, you're with each other as often as possible and love each other, but it goes so much deeper than that.

I could go on with the other things in the list, but that would probably bore most of you. The last one is obviously what it all comes down to...striving to follow, glorify and love my Lord and King in every aspect of my life.  That's what the Body of Christ was made to do...together.  We are to be one as the Father and Jesus are one (John 17:20-23) and as one, follow Jesus with our everything.

Maybe the "About Me" will undergo some small changes, but I still think that what I want to get across is unexplainable to those not experiencing it.  When your lives are so intertwined with others' lives, to those outside of it, it can't be explained...and to those who are with you, it doesn't need to be.


"[Jesus praying]'I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me. And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me.'" ~John 17:20-23

Last night it took me ages to fall asleep and as such, I have many new posts (maybe even a series...I've never done one of those on my blog before!) swirling around it my head.  However, none of them are yet ready to be written and so this post will be full of just what the title says...random news of small import and my ramblings on various and sundry subjects.  If you're looking for a deep, theological post...this is not it.

So spring is FINALLY coming to New Zealand...I'm SO excited!  It's finally starting to be sunny more often than it's raining and things are starting to warm up some too...it's actually supposed to get up to 17*C tomorrow.  My feet are rejoicing because the time is soon coming when they can be free again and not cooped up inside two pairs of socks!  As I mentioned before, it's not that it's really that cold here...it's just that there's hardly any insulation or central heating in houses in NZ and so they're QUITE cold...and so, in my opinion, it makes the weather in general seem like it's much colder than it really is.  But...thankfully, that will be changing soon as sunshine and warmth are coming!

I'm sure that many of you have been wondering what the dark chocolate is like here, and I appreciate your concern!  However, unlike Thailand or India, the dark chocolate supply is quite good.  Unfortunately, you can't get Ghirardelli here (sad day), but Green & Black's is available in big grocery stores, except that it's almost $5NZ.  And Lindt seems rather popular, and even though it's not as good as Green & Black's, I'm learning to love it.  And there's a Kiwi brand, Whittaker's or something like that...it isn't too bad, but let's just say it's a good thing that New Zealand isn't known for their chocolate because they have a long way to go!

My youngest sister start at university this coming week...that's so crazy.  I feel so old...

In cooking news, I learned how to make naan this past week.  For those of you who don't know, naan is an Indian flatbread (one of several) and one that I really enjoyed while in India. And since both Heather and I really enjoy cooking ethnic foods and making everything from scratch...so we decided to try our hand at naan.  And surprisingly (I have to admit, I was a little intimidated at the idea at first) it went quite well.  The first batch was definitely trial and error, but this last week, when we tripled the recipe and turned out twenty-four in under an hour of rolling out and grilling time, I was quite impressed!  And...even though I like to cook quite healthily, I have to admit (and several years ago I would have slapped myself for saying this) that I definitely enjoy working with white flour as opposed to wholemeal/whole wheat flour!

And in other news...I have to go and take the laundry off the line...and start working on supper with Heather...and thus ends this rather unsubstantial post.


“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him.” ~Ps. 28:7

To take a break from the recent more serious and Jessica-spilling-her-guts-on-the-Internet posts, I thought I'd share some exciting news from here...well, at least it's quite exciting for me! 

Almost a year ago (exactly!  That's crazy...), I wrote a post on the music group Sons of Korah and claimed that they had almost immediately become "my absolute favorite music group".  And now, a year later, that still holds quite true!  Last fall I eventually bought all of their CDs and for months they were almost all that I listened to.  They still continue to be the majority of the music I listen to, and their songs still have not grown old for me.  Being that most of what Sons of Korah sings are psalms, their lyrics are obviously inspired, and their music and instrumentation is amazing!  But anyway...I don't want to sound like a commercial...but you all really should buy their CDs and listen to their songs over...and over...and over...

This isn't supposed to sound like a commercial (but it will anyway, I guess)...it's supposed to be my exciting news...I got the new Sons of Korah CD!  It came yesterday morning and we all have been listening to it when we could (though it's kind of hard to listen to with four small children running around!)...and it's VERY good!  It even has Psalm 42 on it...a psalm that I have been wanting Sons of Korah to put to music since I heard of them.  The CD, RAIN, only came out at the beginning of this month, and it actually won't be available in the States for about a month (one of the joys of currently living in NZ!)...but you can listen to several recordings of the new songs on the Sons of Korah Facebook page...before the CD came out, I listened to those songs over...and over...and over...


“But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; let those also who love Your name be joyful in You.” ~Ps. 5:11

In a way, it's somewhat humourous how it works...but in a way, it's not! I write a blog post about something God is teaching me and what I think I'm learning from it...and things are going quite well in that for a couple days, and then, BOOM! I fall again and seem to completely forget everything I've learned from all that happened before. Actually, maybe it's not all that humourous...in fact, as a recovering perfectionist, it can be very painful and one of the most frustrating things in the world.

As you may have guessed, that happened to me today. About a week ago, I wrote about how the Lord was teaching me to trust Him with my friendships...and for awhile, that seemed to be going quite well. Any of my close friends could tell you that I struggle a great deal with insecurities in my friendships and that I have for as long as I can remember, so that it was going so well was an encouragement to me. But then...this afternoon, I fell hard. All the old insecurities started whispering their ugly lies and I listened...and as a result was very self-centered and selfish and wasn't able to encourage one of my dear friends who is going through some hard stuff right now. And that knowledge devastated me...when my sins hurt my friends it makes me hate those sins (and usually myself) all the more.

And really...I don't care if I just wrote about how the idea of "altars" your spiritual life wasn't really that great...I thought I was past this stuff! I've been struggling with all this for years and now things were finally going good...I thought that particular struggle was over and done with! But no...it still IS constant war...every day. Once again, I can completely relate to Paul's confession: "For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do." (Romans 7:15)

"And the only way to combat it is to constantly be coming back to Jesus...every time. Broken, needy, hopeless without Him...the only way we can fight anything is through Him...for in our weakness, He is strong. Without Jesus, we can do nothing."

I wrote that about a week ago, and yes, I still know that it applies...but it's hard.  Especially (as in this case) when it's something that you've struggled with for years.  Sometimes I wonder why I should come to Jesus since it certainly seems (to my human and finite eyes) like that hasn't done any good the last hundred times I did.  But in the end, I do come crawling back to Him...I have nowhere else to go (John 6:68-69).  And I have to rest in the knowledge that the Lord IS working in me. Actually, many times it's much more desperate than that...sometimes all I have to cling to is knowing that the Lord promised to work in me ("...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." ~Phil. 1:6) and He does not lie.

Writing all this brought to mind a post I wrote over two years ago entitled "Falling down".  I just went and re-read it and I thought I'd copy some of it here...the entire post also has the lyrics to an excellent Twila Paris song called "The Warrior is a Child" which also applies perfectly. 

"I don't feel at all like a "warrior"...I more feel like just a pilgrim, a sojourner...a stumbling, trudging, plodding pilgrim...who can't ever take a step forward without taking two back.  But...like the line to another song says..."the saints are just the sinners who fall down and get up".   And really, if I never "fell", if I always did everything perfectly...why would I need Jesus?   Obviously, we shouldn't "sin that grace may abound" (Romans 6:1-2)...but when I do stumble and scrape my knee and cry "Daddy!"...Daddy comes.  And He dries my tears, holds me in His arms, and sends me on my way again.  I take a few more toddling steps and down I go!   And I wonder...why even try, if I'll only fall again?   Because I dream that one day He might say..."Well done, my child."  And then I'll fall again...this time to my knees, and worship my King.  And He'll again dry my tears (Rev. 21:4) and hold me.  Oh, what wonderful, what glorious bliss will be There...Home.  There I'll never trudge, never stumble, never fight against this horrible flesh or self...I'll be free from all that to just dance in worship to my King.  What a glorious day!"

I need to remember that.


"The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the LORD upholds him with His hand." ~Psalm 37:23-24

Recently, the YLCF blog posted an excellent piece entitled "Doorsteps". I found it incredibly encouraging and I think every single girl should read it.  The main message of the piece is summed up in its third paragraph...

"I believe in doorsteps. I believe that God can create miracles in a place that is barren. I believe that God is powerful and if it is His will, the right man could show up on my doorstep."

Most anyone who knows me at all knows that my main "ambition" in life, apart from growing closer to Jesus and becoming more like Him, is to get married and be a stay-at-home wife and mother. This is what I've wanted since long before I even graduated high school. When I was in my teens, I naively thought that I would be married by the time I was twenty...but I wasn't.  I spent the first couple years out of high school in places where there weren't very many eligible young men...living and working for several months in Wisconsin, living for a couple months in Thailand, being a mother's helper in Florida.  During that time I could kind of see why I wasn't making any strides towards being married...because I just wasn't around any eligible young men...it made sense.

Knowing that I wanted to get married so badly, I was urged toward going to college...that's where most of the young men my age were, right? And if they were at college, then supposedly they must be working toward something that would help them support a family. This made sense as well, and since I already wanted more Bible training, I decided to go off to Bible college for a year or two.  And for awhile, it seemed hopeful...like most Bible colleges, Calvary was jokingly known as "Calvary Bridal College" and that seemed to hold true for a lot of girls there. But even after two years, I wasn't any closer to marriage than I was before going.

In deciding to come to New Zealand...I was told by several people that it really wasn't the best place to go if I was looking for a strong Christian husband.  Like most heavily British influenced places, New Zealand's culture is very secular and there aren't that many Christians here. And, since I'd be working as a mother's helper, I'd be at home most of the time and not interacting very much with what eligible young men there were.  Supposedly it just really would not be very helpful in finding a good Christian husband.

And really...all that I was told in both cases...going to Bible college and coming to New Zealand...it makes sense and sounds logical.  But sometimes I think that God delights in doing the illogical...the seemingly impossible.  I'm not saying that God will bring me my husband in New Zealand...He just as likely won't.  But I do think it's interesting that He didn't bring him to to me when I was at the place where supposedly you should be able to "find a husband".  Because honestly, if it had happened then, I could easily be prone to thinking that I was the one who brought it about. But now...in a place where, from a human standpoint, it seems quite improbable, if not impossible. Perhaps it's so, if/when it does happen, all the glory will go to Him.  So it can be said, "Behold, this is your God...see what wonders He has done."


"But as it is written: 'Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.'" ~1 Corinthians 2:9 (quoting Isaiah 64:4)

"For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, who acts for the one who waits for Him." ~Isaiah 64:4

"And it will be said in that day: 'Behold, this is our God; we have waited for Him, and He will save us. This is the LORD; we have waited for Him; we will be glad and rejoice in His salvation.'" ~Isaiah 25:9

"'The poor and needy seek water, but there is none, their tongues fail for thirst. I, the LORD, will hear them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them. I will open rivers in the desolate heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water. I will plant in the wilderness the cedar and the acacia tree, the myrtle and the oil tree; I will set in the desert the cypress tree and the pine and the box tree together, that they may see and know, and consider and understand together, that the hand of the LORD has done this, and the Holy One of Israel has created it.'" ~Isaiah 41:17-20 (emphasis mine)

One of my favorite books is Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It's the allegorical story of the journey of Much Afraid, with the Shepherd, from the Valley of Humiliation to the High Places. While there are things I disagree with in the book (mainly how Songs of Songs is used), I can very much relate to Much Afraid's journey and as such, I find it quite encouraging to read. Late this afternoon, I was re-reading certain chapters that I feel like relate to some stuff I'm going through now, and afterwards I noted how altars are used in the book. After or during each hard place that the Shepherd brings Much Afraid to and through, she usually builds an altar. The altars are used either to sacrifice something (i.e. Much Afraid's will, etc.) or to be used as a memorial of something that the Shepherd had taught her.

Last night was kind of a breaking point for me in regards to some things. I've been struggling with trusting God in regards to my friendships with close friends back in the States (since I can only communicate with them through e-mail or chatting or calling...and I so much just want to be with my close friends in person). And I realised that it was because I was afraid if I let go of those friendships and placed them in God's hands, then He might let us grow apart or something like that. Thinking and praying about that brought tears, and after crying myself into an exhaustion, I realised that I had to just place my friendships in God's hands and trust. Trust that whatever He brings about in them is good because He is always good and His plan is perfect. It's scary, but it's also incredibly comforting since I know that me thinking that I could keep my friendships together by being "in control" of them was all just an illusion...I can't do anything on my own.

With all of these realisations (though I already knew all of them...but I didn't really KNOW them), I essentially wanted an altar. I wanted to submit it all to Jesus and say, "From here on out, I will trust You completely with everything". As a very dear friend noted when I was telling her about it, it's because I hate unresolved things. And she's right, I wanted this whole thing to now be resolved, neat and tidy. But I realised that it can't be that...because humans are messy. This has to be an every day, every hour, every moment decision to trust Jesus with everything, no matter what. Due to being inherently sinful apart from Jesus, and having my old man constantly warring against my new man, I can't expect to just be perfect in this area (or any area) from this day onward.

Yet I wonder if the mindset of thinking we must have "altars" of a sort in our Christian walks is why many people get discouraged and disheartened in their relationships with Jesus. They subconciously think, "Oh, I've sacrificed my will now, it shouldn't be a bother any longer", but lo and behold, the next morning it rears its ugly head and they wonder what happened.

In Romans 7, Paul tells of his struggle with sin...one that I'm sure every follower of Jesus can relate to. "For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do...For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me....For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin." (Romans 7:15, 18-20, 22-25)

Basically...it's constant war. In you. Between good and evil, light and dark. Shaun Groves has a song entitled "Twilight" and the first verse is so true.

"Like the sky before the dawn
While the night is holding on
Sun and moon together in the gray
So my soul is shared by two
The worst of me, the best of You
Saint and sinner mingle in my veins
And I pray You'll end this twillight"

Yes...it's twilight...one that is hopefully every day becoming more light than dark...but it won't be completely light until we're finally Home. And by making "altars" at key points in our spiritual lives can feed the lie that, after this breaking point, we won't ever struggle with this particular sin again. Granted, that particular struggle hopefully taught you something and drew you closer to Jesus, but chances are, that temptation will come up again. And again. And again.

And the only way to combat it is to constantly be coming back to Jesus...every time. Broken, needy, hopeless without Him...the only way we can fight anything is through Him...for in our weakness, He is strong. Without Jesus, we can do nothing.


"I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing." ~John 15:5

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” ~George Eliot

“Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet which still clings fast to the heel that crushed it.” ~Russian proverb

“It is not great men who change the world, but weak men in the hands of a great God.” ~Unknown

"Don't marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without." ~James Dobson (but told to me by a dear friend)

“Earth’s crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God,
But only he who sees taken off his shoes;
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.”
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Several weeks ago, a very dear friend told me about the following song, saying that she thought I would really like it.  As soon as she told me, I looked up the lyrics and liked them right away (she definitely knows my taste in songs).  I wanted to listen to the actual song, but it was taking too long to find a place I could listen to the whole song without having to sign up for an account or download some player or something.  I trust her judgement as to what she thinks I like in songs, so I just bought the MP3 off Amazon last night.  I listened to it and she was right, I did like it...a lot!  It's a very honest and vulnerable song...with it all coming back to Jesus.  I'm guessing that Barlow Girl wrote it about their life on the road or something, but I can definitely relate it to my life.  Sometimes I just get so tired in this life not lived for this world...but in the end, I have nowhere else to go, so I just come back to Jesus...


Here's My Life
Barlow Girl

Once again I said my goodbyes
To those who I love most
My heart feels that familiar pain
As I long for home
'Cause this road is hard
When I feel so far

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more here's my life

On the day that You called my name
All that I knew changed
I found when I said yes
That I'd never be the same
Though the call is hard
You are worth it all

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more

Even when the tears are falling
When I find I fear the calling
You remind me
Words You've spoken over my life
Promises I've yet to see
You comfort me


"But Simon Peter answered Him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. Also we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.'" ~John 6:68-69

So I was laying here on the couch, basically moaning about how I wish that either 1) it would warm up so I could wear a skirt, or 2) that I wasn't such an idiot that I left most of my warm skirts back in the States. And since, just previously, I had mentioned that I wanted to blog about something, but I felt very uninspired...Heather told me I should blog about wanting to wear a skirt so badly...and I thusly got inspired and decided to!  And the funny thing is, almost exactly a year ago was when I wrote another post about "The delights of a skirt".  I have no idea what it is about the time of year...it can't even be the season since last August it was summer for me and this August it's winter...and it can't be the location because I've completely changed hemispheres...but I just found it amusing!

It's interesting to me the evolution that my thinking regarding skirts has undergone.  When I was about 16, I read some stuff that convicted me of what I wearing and made me decide that I would only wear skirts or dresses from then on.  For a year or so I was quite legalistic about it and judged any girl or woman who wasn't wearing a skirt or dress as being not as good of a Christian as I was. This, obviously, was sin and I'm so thankful that the Lord has delivered me from that thinking!  Over the past couple years, my convictions in regard to feminine dress changed (though I think it would be correct to say that my beginning legalistic "convictions" weren't really from the Lord...they were something that I made up on my own) and in general I would wear skirts almost all the time, because I believed that I should dress modestly and femininely, and frankly, that's most easily accomplished in a skirt!  And I still whole-heartedly believe that.

However, around last October, I started realising that my conviction to wear skirts all the time was, at its roots, springing from my pride.  Ask any of my friends, I am a person who does things in the extremes, and as such, I had subconciously convinced myself that, in order to show the strength of my conviction, I had to either wear skirts all the time or not really at all. And yes, I know that's ridiculous!  And in that thinking, I thought that if people saw me wearing trousers, they would think that I'm not really as strong of a Christian as they thought. So, not only was I basing the strength of my relationship with Christ on my clothing, I was also being ruled by what I thought people would think of me. Both are sinful and I'm so grateful that the Lord revealed to me that I was thinking that way.

After realising this, I finally felt free to wear trousers in public (whereas before I would have been sinning against my conscience [Romans 14]) .  And, since I really very much dislike being cold, I started wearing trousers the majority of the time last winter. But when it finally started warming up again in April or so, I was very ready to wear skirts again...since I really love wearing them!  I enjoyed it for a couple months, but then, being thrust prematurely back into winter again (changing hemispheres will do that to you sometimes!), I had to start wearing trousers again.  In comparison to winters in Missouri or Idaho, winters here in NZ really are not that harsh...it rarely gets below freezing, even at night...but because the houses are so cold (a couple degrees or so above the outside temperature), it seems colder than it really is.  And, as previously mentioned, I left most of my warmer skirts in the States (they weigh a lot/take up a lot of room and I hadn't worn them much last winter)...and so, in order to keep from shivering my days away, I had to resort to wearing trousers.

You may be asking yourself...why did I inflict upon you all with the history of my skirt-wearing? Not only did I want to bore you to tears, but also to preface the point that...even though I now can, in good conscience, wear trousers, I still find myself longing to wear skirts and dresses.  As I said before, I still completely believe that a woman should dress modestly and femininely  to bring glory to God, and therefore I am careful to do that when I wear trousers, but I still feel much more feminine in a skirt or dress. Call me crazy, but I find it much easier to have the outward manifestations of a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4) when I'm wearing a skirt or dress.  And there's just something about wearing a skirt or dress...I don't know what it is...it's almost a contentedness in my God-given femininity. I'm not saying that you can't have that while wearing trousers or whatever, but to me it's always seems more apparent when I'm wearing a long skirt or dress.  Because there's just something about a skirt...


"...in like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, but, which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works." ~1 Timothy 2:9-10

I've been in New Zealand a month now...and in honor of that, I have compiled a list of the top thirty-four things I love about New Zealand.  It definitely has it's problems, but as a whole, I love New Zealand and as such I'm sure this list will have regular additions!

  1. Gorgeous scenery everywhere.
  2. GREEN even in the middle of winter.
  3. The wonderful friends/family I have here.
  4. Tea several times a day.
  5. No matter where you are, it's only a couple hours to the ocean.
  6. Rolling hills covered with lovely green fields.
  7. Kiwi fruit is generally eaten with the skin on.
  8. Lots and lots of wool (I sleep on it and under it and wear it pretty much every day).
  9. Lemon curd and butter on toast.
10. Random hedges everywhere...along roads, bordering fields, surrounding houses.
11. Delicious water straight from the tap.
12. Empty beaches.
13. Big bars of chocolate.
14. High humidity.
15. The lighting...especially "the golden hour" right before sunset.
16. Sheep everywhere.
17. Roundabouts very common.
18. Beautiful cities and quaint little towns.
19. The warming drawer.
20. Unhomogenised (British spelling) milk sold in the stores.
21. Varied countryside.
22. Many beautiful sunsets and rainbows.
23. Gum boots/wellies are common.
24. Not much rubbish along the roads...quite clean outdoors in general.
25. The carrots and apples taste like candy.
26. Always something blooming.
27. Everything isn't hyper-processed.
28. The availability of international foods in the supermarkets.
29. No snakes or scorpions.
30. Don't often find high fructose corn syrup on ingredient lists.
31. Good store-bought hummus.
32. People's accents.
33. Paua shells.
34. Most New Zealand homes have the toilet separate from the bathroom...quite convenient.

I've been here almost a month and have come to the conclusion that New Zealand is the most gorgeous country I have ever seen.  The States has some beautiful places, as did Thailand, but it seems like almost every place in New Zealand that I've seen is beautiful.  And I'm so thankful...it's really hard for me to live in ugly places...ugliness hurts me.  So to live in a place as beautiful as here is truly a gift from the Lord.

The lovely places and scenery here are so varied.  We just recently drove about eight to nine hours south (near Invercargill) on holiday and I was quite impressed by all the different views we were treated to...green sheep pastures, ruined stone buildings, dormant orchards, tiny tea shops, majestic mountains and their lakes, little towns with stone church buildings, rolling hills...all in one drive.  Amazing.

And everything is so green!  Even though it's the middle of winter, everything is still quite green...mixed with some brown, but still SO much greener than anywhere else I've ever been in the winter.  I can't wait for spring...


"Praise Him you heaven of heavens, and you waters above the heavens!...Fire and hail, snow and clouds; stormy winds, fulfilling His word...Let them praise the name of the LORD; for His name alone is exalted; His glory is above the earth and heaven."
~Psalm 148:4, 8, 13

Sometimes I amaze myself.  Not in a "Wow, you're such an amazing person!" way, but in a "I can't believe you!" way (this is not a good thing). Let me explain...

Say I lived in a desert.  I had food, drink and shelter and went about my life there, quite contented.  Then one day, someone came to me with a goblet, filled to the brim with a liquid. The liquid was cool and clear and shimmering...like the "drinkable light" from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  The person offered it to me and so I took a few sips.  It tasted magnificent and alive and completely refreshed and revived me.  But after several drinks, I gave the goblet back. The person offered it again to me to keep, as my own, forever.  He said that I could drink from it as much as I wanted to and it would never be empty. So I took the goblet, took another sip, and then put it aside and continued on with my life.  Whenever I was thirsty, I wouldn't reach for the goblet of "drinkable light", but would just have a glass of ordinary water, which only quenched my thirst temporarily.  Now...wouldn't you say that was just stupid?!  Who in their right mind, when offered something so amazing, would only partake of it a little, and then set it aside?  It's quite ridiculous! Yet I do that so often...with something much greater.  The Word of God.

To be completely honest, in the past couple years it's been hard for me to read my Bible consistently.  I used to be much more of a creature of habit than I am now, and as such, I used to read a chapter or so a day, but in the past couple years I stopped doing that.  In a way, that was good because reading my Bible was just becoming something that I did out of obligation, which is not how it should be.  For awhile, mostly while I was a Bible college, I didn't read my Bible outside of school work because it seemed to have grown old.  I've read the Bible through several times and certain books more than that and it seemed boring.  This was a wrong view to have, but I can at least understand then why I didn't read it...if I have a choice whether or not to read something and it bores me, I won't read it.  It makes sense.

But what doesn't make sense to me is why I have a hard time reading the Bible consistently now.  It no longer seems boring to me...when I do read it (or hear it sung), I feel refreshed and revived.  Scripture, even when I read just bits, comforts and encourages me. So WHY don't I read it more?!  It doesn't make sense!  It's like I sat down before a huge feast, and knowing that I could eat and eat and eat of its delights, I sat there and nibbled on crackers!  It's absurd!

This is not a "read your Bible, it's beneficial for you" post...I'm not a big fan of those.  It's just musings on some of my dumb choices.  It's not that I'm doing sinful things instead of reading the Bible...I'm not.  In my free time, I usually just get busy and distracted by things like staying in touch with people, or reading.  In and of themselves, these are good things...I believe that the Lord wants me to maintain my relationships with people and encourage them...and I believe that it's edifying to read other's views on spiritual things and life, etc.  But to have that take up all my free time, when I KNOW there's something so much better is, frankly, just dumb.

I don't want to become legalistic about this...I've done that before and don't want to go back.  And I don't at all think that I'll be "a better Christian" if I read my Bible more.  But Scriptures ARE Words of Life...and thusly, partaking of them more and more can only bring life.


"But Simon Peter answered Him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.'" ~John 6:68

A song that I could listen to over and over again and that often brings me to tears...

Revive Me
Jeremy Camp

Consider my affliction and please deliver me
Plead my cause and redeem me
Salvation is not for the wicked
For they don't seek Your word
Great are Your tender mercies, Lord

CHORUS
Revive me, according to Your loving kindness
Revive me, that I may seek You
Revive me, according to Your loving kindness
Revive me, oh Lord

You give me understanding
According to Your word
Great peace for those who seek Your face
I long for salvation
My lips shall praise Your name
I rejoice in the treasure of Your keep

For all my ways are before You
I let Your hand become my help
My soul longs and adores You
Let my cry come before You, oh Lord


"My soul clings to the dust; revive me according to Your word." ~Psalm 119:25

Yesterday something very exciting happened...and I totally forgot to blog about it!  When it happened I kind of started writing the post in my head, but when I finally got on my computer, all thoughts of posting flew from my head.  I'm very much a people person, and most of my computer time right now is taken up with keeping in touch with people and so when I chat with people (YAY for Skype!) or have important e-mails to answer, blogging takes a back burner...and that's what happened yesterday.

But ANYWAY...as for the exciting news...I got my Working Holiday Scheme visa!  I'm sure that means pretty much nothing to most of you so I'll explain. Put simply, a Working Holiday Scheme visa means that I can stay in New Zealand for a year and work/make money.  Before I got this visa, I was here on a three-month visitor visa, and that meant I could only stay three months (unless I extended it, but even then the maximum is nine months and then I have to leave the country) and I couldn't make any money.  Having this visa doesn't really change anything that I'm doing (mother's helpering for my friends), it just means that now I can be paid for it...so that's exciting!  Later this week we're going to set up a New Zealand bank account and I'll get a EFTPOS card (the NZ equivalent of a VISA)...crazy stuff!  So...I now have my visa...and it's exciting because I thought it would be a huge, long, complicated process...but we got it done in a morning!  God is so amazing...


"But as it is written: 'Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.'" ~1 Corinthians 2:9