lilly's Journal

3:21pm: goals
So I have set up five goals for myself to work on and so far I haven't really made any improvements in any of the areas...other than getting an extra part-time on the weekends. .. but then that adds to my being Jamaican problem which isn't on this list but probably will be on the second.

1. Get to work on time/wake up early
2. work out
3. save money
4. dedicate time to myself
5. pack rat problem


Any sugestions on how I may improve in any of these areas are highly appreciated- beleive me I need all the help I can get!

12:03pm: Picture Perfect
eyes closed - wind in my face-
high on this feeling
don't want it to go away
wish i could feel this way forever
picture perfect
everything I imagined it to be
driving away
away from all complications
so perfect to me

3:02pm: who said life was fair
feel empty
keep fighting
heart hurts
madly thinking of you
Insane with thoughts
Can't escape your face
chase me
can't run away
Thoughts of you circle my head
let go

2:15am: The War
i understand.

it is so hard.

to be torn between separate worlds and separate views.

I support the men & women who joined our forces to protect & serve...to better their lives and the lives of others.

I believe it takes massive courage to put your own life on the line at any given moment.

I don't know enough of the circumstances at the present to say the president and other main political roles are wrong in keeping the troops in Iraq.

I feel guilty of not being up to date on world events.

But this past year I was involved in my efforts to make a statement. Even if I was one person.

I don't believe in war. Not in today’s day and age. People are much smarter today than they ever were before.

Political powers capable of environmental mass destruction, economical destruction, and human destruction. Mass destruction to the world.


We no longer fight with swords and rifles but chemicals and nuclear bombs.

I was in the peace March in NYC MArch 03'. I thought it was beautiful. Thousands together not afraid to walk for a cause they believed in. My poster read "THe Only Bush I Trust Is MY OWN".

My close friend who I knew since HS disagreed with my support for peace.
He told me there were better things to march against...if I wanted to do something maybe I should be a human shield. we are no longer friends. He didn't understand my point. I did not ask for him to agree with my opinion. But he insulted my intellect, my justifications for what I as a person believe.

He called me ignorant and told me to read the paper.


I had two major theatrical events for peace. two readings of Lysistrata. One in my studio space and the other at Rutgers New Brunswick.

Have you ever read the play? It was written by Aristophanes. Good work. I used a modern adaptation by Adam Webster.

The reading was followed by a forum. I really got a chance to see something. Interaction of people with the same fears and questions. People of different religions and races being pointed at ...telling their story. How they were affected by 9/11 - the war, all of it.
Too overwhelming. Too scary. Not knowing.
This one guy finally asked, "why are we there... why are we going?" Something everyone really wants to know. We don't know enough yet we fight each other in our own country.

We are a country divided. How do we help others?

Don't want say come home...cause I support you...as what you want to do as an individual. when you feel it is your obligation to be there because they are your orders.

you choose to serve and protect me so I could have a better life.

But I want to know - if you were to die in this fight....would the battle be worth it in the end?


If this is to touchy and angers you please forgive- I am just expressing my emotions to you being there.
You probably hear enough of this. I'm sorry. It just upsets me I am losing friends....

12:51pm: trick or treat

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
redaphrodite goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Tampon .
blackattire gives you 2 orange root beer-flavoured gummy fruits.
elpapichulo gives you 2 brown lime-flavoured gumdrops.
lizabug tricks you! You lose 1 pieces of candy!
merenbootygirl gives you 11 blue root beer-flavoured gummy fruits.
samhain16 tricks you! You lose 6 pieces of candy!
thasia gives you 12 teal licorice-flavoured miniature candy bars.
thepedestrian gives you 4 pink root beer-flavoured wafers.
velvetseas tricks you! You lose 14 pieces of candy!
redaphrodite ends up with 10 pieces of candy.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

10:10am: artists studio tours
wooo ooohh ooohhh-.

The film I'm in comes out next week- Super siked about it...'ADDMix
feeling anxious. German says it looks good he's been finishing up the editing!
part of a studio tour in Union City at the Old Silk Factory.
ADDMix
When: ? At night
German is sending me the invite.
October 24, 25 & 26 2003
Where: Silk Factory Art Building
540 39th Street
Union City, NJ

the hoboken artists tour is this weekend. wanted to have some performances going on in my studio space, but that might not happen since I'll be in NY working on Leyendas. Sucks! But next year I'll do something-
we have a loading dock out in the parking lot-I'm thinking about having performances there and street theatre...

the other girls are working on their stuff(photography, artwork, fashion, an installation of chimes that was shown at Ventum Shifts). They want me to include something about the performing aspect but I don't know what yet....hmmm to ponder over. Besides it is the same day I have the breast cancer walk and the performance of Leyendas. I'll feel like blowing my brains out!

All this makes it harder for me to quit smoking...I wish I never started. Love smoking but - yeah it's not good I hate feeling out of breath when I'm dancing. Meanwhile I'm in the breast cancer walk - how fucked up is that!

Goal: For next two weeks think about how bad cigs are for me!



ADDmix Film Screening written & directed Stalyn Freile + German Rodriguez
Starring German Rodriguez & _gaia’s own Lillian Lips

2:16am: from this screen i see through my eyes
i blink and i squint as the liquid comes through
with the vision of you, cliche I know
but that's how some poems go
so I'll try to make it more flowery and flowing
here I go:
the universe has dared to allow our meeting
years ago with circumstance far dire than most
I don't know what you felt that moment I did
maybe it was my imagination maybe it was my hesitation
maybe it was the missed opportunities that always strike me
as if i was a tragic hero in one of Shakespeare's plays
but we would meet once again
when the stars were aligned and the sun and moon both shone bright
but still nature itself blocked some sort of connection
from this meeting of two in this certain section
of the universe
from afar I've seen and heard stories of your worth
just expanding my already knowledge of yourself

10:50am: Strange
Strange~
Thought I knew you well
Thought I had read the sky
Thought I had read a change in your eyes
So Strange
Woke up to a world
that I am not a part of
except
when I can play it's stranger
after all
what were you really looking for
and i wonder when will I learn
every body knows this
and I wonder when will I learn
guess i was in deeper than I thought I was
if I had enough love
for the both of us
just stay
you said we'd build a nest
I left my life
I tried your friends
Tried your opinions
The bridge is closing
you
Did not come home
It's not like I can still feel you
You call one more time
Now i must be leaving

3:34pm: since i last wrote~

went to watch 8 mile with the "mime"
went to watch frieda with the "scorpian"
hung out with don juan many times

decided friends is what the mime and i shall remain
the scorpian will probably never settle down
this past x-mas the scorpian really proved I was right
besides right now
don juan is who i want to be with
i feel close to him

i don't like messy situations
and I felt like it was about to get messy soon.
just the other night the "scorpian" called while
i was with don juan...that was strange.
i don't want to go backwards
i told the scorpian i was with don juan
cause I don't want to mess things up with don juan
guess i'm not in the player phase

i think i have a boyfriend
when did that happen I'm not sure
but yesterday at don juan's house (birthday lunch)
i met his family for the first time
and his two and half year old daughter
she said I was daddy's girlfriend
she is super cute!

the rest of the family called me his girlfriend too

on new year's eve he asked me to be his girl
said he wanted to be serious
i really didn't answer him
i just don't want labels if it is going to ruin things
labels always find drama for some reason
at least in my life it does

I'm very happy with what we share
and only hope to grow
we'll see what happens with time

We're going to vermont this weekend
the brother and brother's girlfriend
his mom
don juan and me.

12:40pm: Status of Fogged Relationships
Update on status of Fogged Relationships posted about a month ago.

Issues concerning:

Mindy = not discussed but resolved through other means.

Karol aka Doodle = discussed & resolved soon after the post.

We both have made several attempts to get together for sushi. Have been unsuccessful. She now calls me the Yellow Tail Harlot! I called her Spicy Tuna Bitch.


Greileen aka Grey or "the Mime" = in between the black & white right now. So I can't give you a definitive answer on this one. He's in my life/not in my life. He is a bit jeal of the other man right now. He can't seem to find it in his heart to see me knowing there is someone else. Funny, all of sudden, don't you think, he didn't seem to have a problem when he was doing the dating.

Well, three weeks ago we made plans to watch 8 mile. lets see if that happens. I still feel the need to clear the “Fog” with him.

Maribel= unresolved on my part. I never discussed what I felt about the situation. However, no longer care. I feel that I see the darker colors of her rainbow. Not ready to forgive or forget, but don’t feel the need to discuss & resolve. One of those relationships you let fade away. No recovery. No redemption. We talk when we see each other, but it never will be the same. Maybe one day I’ll post why I feel this way.

Barbara (aka Queen B)= no longer on speaking terms. I tried to reach out discuss & resolve. Thought we were getting somewhere on Caamano's b-day. Apparently Not!

emailed her "how was Punta cana? did you get a tan?" She didn't respond. And that was her work email address. I knew she got it.

Later she had the nerve to tell Punani "Can you believe she tried to talk to me at Caamano's B-day outing?"

Punani said, " you two still hard over that shit." No comment!

Actually, I do have a comment. I'm hard over the fact that my mother nearly died in the hospital in September and she didn't have the fucking nerve to pick up the phone and ask if everything was all right. We’ve been friends since H.S. I expect a little bit more from our friendship. But you know what. Sometimes friendships are like relationships. And you need to let go. At one point I wanted to clear the fog. Talk to her, see how she felt, hear her side & me tell her mine. Communicate.

When my mom lay nearly dead in hospital I vanished within my own world. I didn’t call anyone to tell them. Even though inside I was falling apart.

I’m not like that, I don’t reach out. I suffer within.

Emotionally I took it out on the “Mime”, blew up on him, started to have issues. I became enwrapped within my life. But I made an effort to try to communicate with her! I truly did, considering what was going through emotionally.

How did she want me to react to the situation? I’ll never know. It’s too late. The wound is healed but now with scar tissue. She won’t be a part of my life. Not anymore. Won’t know what’s up with her and she won’t know what’s up with me. Too bad. I thought we had something.

Friendship is hard to come by. But she did two things that really shook me up. Her comment to Punani and her not calling once within the last two months about my mom.

Personally, in the end I think deep down she had a problem with me being with the “MIME”. She didn’t like him for me for whatever reason. Called him a loser on several occasions.

As a matter a fact she has a problem with a lot of people I hang out with my friends and/or people I have dated. Always something negative and pessimistic to say right after I tell her how I feel about someone or something.

“You get me in my most vulnerable moments. When I was down you’d kick me. When I was high, you’d kick the latter out from beneath me. Well Fuck You! Cause if you didn’t have nothing nice to say you should have kept it to yourself. I didn’t ask you for your opinion on how I should live my life, I confided in you as a friend. Didn’t ask for you to be my mother or my savior. It’s my LIFE, so don’t tell me what is good for me and how to live it. I know what is good for me and if I don’t I’ll live and learn. Maybe I haven’t agreed with the choices you have made in your life. But I never put you down for them. Never!”


She could take her petty shit and shove it up her ass.

3:30pm: Work
My boss has got to be on drugs!!! somebody please help him!!!!

10:29am: Love Ball Right on the $$$
On Thursday october 31---halloween


My Love Eight BAll said:
This weekend someone you like may introduce you to someone from your past.
Today's advice: Think twice

That night I formally met Don Juan de Marco the Mime's friend.

1:03pm: Love Ball
Okay...sooo today I haven't done shit at work. I have been on-line all day. Next week I swear I am going to start a new strict schedule for myself. I need to discipline myself. In a few categories...

Things to work on for myself...THE MIND BODY SOUL...health....love...career...education....shopping
I've been eating like a pig, not working out, smoking cigs, drinking stoli strawberry cosmos...thinking endlessly about Grey.... stay or go stay or go. STAY!!! No GO!!and run ....drinking coffee...lots of it and my room is a mess. I feel like my life is a mess right now. Well, sort of. Whatever--- sometimes I stop take a close look at myself and tell myself okay LiL you need a spring cleaning.

Time for a SPring Cleaning!!

Things I will Start NOvember 4, 2002. (Only one thing at a time...health)

(why November fourth. Well, I never start anything on the weekends, only Mondays. Beginning of the work week thus Monday is work-on-myself day!!)


HEATLH/FITNESS....body
1. I will work out at min. 3x a week (cardio) right after my chiro appt.
2. I will lift weights or do resitence exercises 3x a week. total work out days six.

read somewhere that people in their twenties (at the max potential) should be working out six days a week.

3. I will cook healthy food for myself or a friend 3x a week. After i get back from the gym. This also means only certain beverages will consume my thirst/cut down on coffee, drink more green tea/flavor decaf teas. Drink 6-8 glasses of water. no soda except diet coke of course. and one glass of milk and oj per day.

God, this sounds hard already.

It takes thirty days to make a habit!!! NO it was 90 DAYS!! 90 DAYS!!!

aghhhhhgod

Let you know The HEATLH/FITNESS....body results in 90days. just check in.

Plan of action #2

will think about it this week and I'll tune in to what i will work on Sring Cleaning for November 11th.


Well, i was going to write about grey and how i felt about the situation reflecting on the love expert, but I don't feel like it anymore.



My Love Eight BAll says:
This weekend someone you like may introduce you to someone from your past.
Today's advice: Think twice

For your LOve Eight Ball, let me know if you want to know your love eight ball.

This weekend seems like it is going to be pretty exciting. Lots of parties and opportunities to meet new people. Last weekend to be bad. Cause the health routine is aboutto start on MONday.

12:05pm: love expert gives you a quiz
Do you think you're good in the sack — maybe even great? Are you confident that you're doing your best to keep your love life interesting and your partner dizzy with delight? The fact of the matter is, a lot of people get stuck in a rut with their partners, and they go on autopilot rather than shift gears and rev things up. Find out whether you are proactive enough when it comes to keeping your relationship hot!

http://www.lifetimetv.com/reallife/relation/quiz/index.html

12:04pm: love expert
Q.the one
I've been dating a guy for about four months. At first I really thought I'd found "the one," but as we get to know each other, I'm discovering that we have less and less in common. Should I break up with him?




A. Dear Wavering,
After the "How do I meet someone?" question, this has to be the biggest dilemma for single women. You've been out there for a while. You've finally met someone you like. And lo and behold, he even likes you back (and what's not to like about that?). Except that as time passes, you find yourself unsatisfied, bored or just bewildered by a nebulous lack of connection. If you happen to be 25, this is a no-brainer; moving on is probably just a matter of how to make the break and when.

Funny how all that changes when you hit your 30s. It's not just that walking away seems tougher; somehow, it really, truly is. It is harder for thirtysomething women to meet eligible, nice, normal thirtysomething guys. Your friends are getting married, and so are your friends' friends. I refuse to buy into the myth that once you're over 35, the odds of meeting a man and tying the knot are about the same as your odds of being killed in a terrorist attack. But it's likely that many of your peers have settled down. One woman I know, who's 36 and newly single, is being asked out left and right — by men in their 50s. "I know I'm an old soul," she joked, "but this is ridiculous!"

I don't know enough about your relationship to say whether or not this guy is a good match. But judging from the way you signed your letter, I assume that you're in that rock-and-a-hard-place place. If you stick it out, maybe the relationship will grow — or maybe you'll be trapped and miserable. If you leave, maybe you'll meet someone you're crazy about — or maybe you'll end up living alone with 18 cats.

Only you know how much (or how little) you two have in common, and how much those things matter to you. If he loves long nature hikes and you're a couch potato, this could be a great chance to widen your world. If, on the other hand, you're very career-focused and he isn't, and moreover, he resents you for your drive, that's a fundamental lifestyle/value rift that could be a major obstacle to your happiness as a couple down the line.

If the only reason you're staying with this guy is because you're afraid of being single (and lonely) again, that's a rotten reason, one that cheats you and him. So sit down and go over your mental checklist of all your "relationship musts" — factors in a mate that are vital to your long-term happiness, such as amazing lovemaking prowess or an unfailing ability to make you laugh. If nothing else, this is a great exercise in remembering to appreciate what

11:44am: love expert
Q. My boyfriend doesn’t want to be exclusive, but I do. I don’t want him to date anyone else — and I don’t want to see anyone but him. Are we doomed?
— Kelly, MA




A. Dear Kelly,
Doomed? Doomed is a bit strong. I’d say finished or kaput, instead.

As your advice columnist (think of me as a stern but loving aunt), there are only a few things I am black-and-white about, and one of them is exclusivity. I don’t mean that everyone needs to be monogamous, but I do believe that two people must be on the same page about such issues: Either you both want to see each other exclusively or you’re both open to seeing other people. If one person feels one way and the other person feels another way, that's a recipe for prolonged and brutal heartbreak.

Why? Because we fool ourselves, that’s why. The simple fact that you can ask me, “Are we doomed?” indicates your hope that there might be some way to resolve this. And there is: Suck it up and let him date whomever he wants. Accept the fact that when he says he’s not ready, what he really means is he's not ready. If you’re cool with that, then, sure, keep dating him.

I know there are people who would disagree with me. Their boyfriend/girlfriend/landlord/
poodle wasn’t ready to be monogamous, but they hung in there until he/she/it was. Now they are happily married. Fine. If you can stomach the pain and the rejection in the present and are willing to bet the (very slim) odds that the coin will finally flip in your favor, stay with your boyfriend.



But don’t fool yourself. This isn’t something the two of you will “work out” — the situation will play out, and the end result will depend solely on his decision. When someone declines to commit or be exclusive, when a person says he’s not ready, it’s usually a matter of issues beyond your control, including:

a. He just isn’t the committing type.
b. You just aren’t the type he wants to commit to.
c. The timing is wrong, and he still feels the need to play the field.
d. All of the above.
e. None of the above — maybe he’s just not in the mood.


A friend of mine (a guy) recently told me a story: He was dating a woman he cared deeply about, and they had agreed not to be exclusive. “I knew in my head that we could see other people,” he says. “I just wasn’t prepared for how strongly I really felt about her.” They dated for several months in this open-ended way, and he recently found out she was indeed seeing someone else. He was devastated and finally broke up with her, although, on one level, nothing had changed: They never said they were monogamous — and she wasn’t. My friend could have continued to be involved with her, as he had been before.

But he broke up with her because he finally dropped his own charade and faced what he really wanted: a partner who would be fully committed to him. He realized he couldn’t control what she felt or wanted, but he could control what he was willing to put up with.

Think about that. Remember, you’re more likely to get what you want when you say — and stand up for — what you want. And you’re more likely to get what you want when you don’t have to talk someone else into it. If you want a strong, committed relationship, Kelly, it’s time to move on.

10:43am: love expert
Why is she dating Mr. Mean?

By MP Dunleavey
from Lifetimetv.com

Dear MP,
I need your help. I have been dating this guy for year, and he is starting to become very mean. He is hanging out with a girl who broke us up in the past, and still wants to date him! He won't tell her to get lost. It hurts. I love him, but should I let him go?
Dear Ms. In Love,
I can't tell you how many letters I get like yours. Do these complaints sound familiar?

1. My boyfriend of five months says he really loves me, but he says he doesn't want to answer to anyone. He stands me up all the time, makes plans and then doesn't show up, and doesn't even call to cancel."

2. I am in a two-year relationship and I wonder if it's healthy. He is often rude and implies that I am stupid. There are plenty of times though, when he is very sweet and loving."

And I get many, many more that revolve around the same "he hurts me, but I love him" theme.



Your first step: Stop telling yourself you love him.

I was listening to a friend of mine recently as she spelled out all the lowdown, inconsiderate, selfish things her boyfriend had done lately, like blowing off their dates or going on a business trip which he "forgot" to tell her about. She didn't try to excuse or rationalize his bad behavior, which we all do sometimes, ("Oh, he's tired." "He didn't mean it to sound that way.") Instead, she said, "But I love him and I know he loves me. So we'll figure it out." As though a) that made sense and b) that made it all better.

At first I wanted to scream and bang my head on the table. But then it struck me that I was witnessing a phenomenon that affects many women, when we inadvertently use that big word, LOVE, as the instrument of our denial.

Not that love doesn't have problems, or require faith and persistence to work out those problems. And not to say that people in love are never mean to each other (ha!). But when the lack of consideration or the rudeness or, yes, the meanness is a recurring event, you have to stop and ask: What are the feelings at work here?

You acknowledge that your boyfriend is being mean lately. You go on to describe (convincingly, I might add) just how mean he is. But then you try to gloss over that by saying "…but I love him." Do you? Or do you just feel a tumult of feelings -- attachment, fury, betrayal, yearning -- that stir up so much heat that you don't know what else to call it but love?

Too many of us use the word love when we shouldn't. Not that you aren't feeling something powerful -- just don't call it love. Love implies not only devotion and loyalty, but also a deep and abiding mutual respect. Maybe the trouble starts when we go into love-conquers-all mode. As though love should be enough to right the wrongs, if we just hang in there. Or maybe it starts when we try to sweep a partner's bad behavior under the big, fluffy rug of love, instead of standing up for ourselves.

You don't need my advice. You know what's going on, and I think you know damn well what to do. Your boyfriend is being mean to you. He is. Tell him so, and tell him he can't treat you that way. If Mr. Messin' Around doesn't grasp the error of his ways, along with the fact that you deserve to be cherished instead of taken for granted, hand him his car keys and tell him to get lost.