i think you are the fucking antichrist

Lot of stuff running though my head as of late.

Made a point to make plans with a friend today, forced myself to do something outside of how I usually spend my weekends (in the house). I know there's a world out there but I have been shamefully pessimistic as of late when it comes to exploring Miami, as I've made up my mind the town is not a good fit for me and seem to be determined to be stuck in a rut until Niero and I choose another place to live and move. It's stupid -- why wait to live when you can live now?

Came home and drove up to see Niero waiting for me (he forgot his house keys and just came back to meet me so I could let him in) wearing a new hat, new jeans, new shirt and a new necklace, watch and bracelet and looking sexy as FUCK. I'm like, oh dear Christ I get to be naked with this guy. Wow.

Came into the house and did naughty things to him, as expected, but afterwards we laid in bed and talked for a few hours, about all kinds of things (and topics we usually don't discuss day to day).

I'm not sure I have the proper words for it but all I can say is that I find myself perhaps adjusting to growing with another person a little bit better and am starting to understand that not being single anymore is not synonymous with a loss of identity. The feeling of being threatened by domesticity is softening a little bit as I come to understand that my spirit will never be domestic.

I am pleased with this ever-so-subtle understanding, but miss what I consider to be the other end of it -- those equally fulfilling, rich friendships, which endure but all the people are far away. Looking forward to coming back home next month so I can be near them some of them again.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Col
2. Coco
3. girlfriend

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1.frequency17
2. nexus6
3. nagikokiyohara

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. skin
2. eyes
3. chest (I'm glad I was gifted with small breasts. Big ones look painful)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. belly
2. legs
3. hands

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. spanish
2. italian
3. french

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. change
2. cowardice
3. my ability to be self-defeating

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. internet
2. music
3. hugs

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. white v-neck t shirt
2. Calvin Klein black pj pants (BEST LOUNGEWEAR EVER)
3. black flip flops

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Lisa Gerrard
2. Damien Rice
3. Sigur Ros

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. kindness
2. unselfishness
3. ability to laugh together


TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I can't see a Nintendo  Entertainment System game without playing it.
2. I'm seriously considering having one of my tattoos lasered off.
3.  Eating sushi 5 times a week is my idea of heaven.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. smile
2. wrists and hands
3. voice

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. writing (does work count as a hobby?)
2. video games
3. reading

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. get in better physical shape
2. finish this move so I can settle into what I hope will be my home for a while
3. finish watching The Shining miniseries (Netflix only sent one disc, argh)

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. vet tech
2. musical theatre performer
3. psychologist

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Tokyo
2. Paris
3. China

THREE KIDS NAMES YOU LIKE:
I have honestly never considered this question.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. stand on the Great Wall of China
2. see Tibet
3. stand inside the Louvre.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. hunger for shoes and bags
2. I like small dogs (the kind you carry in a bag. Except I would never do that. to them)
3. A lot of cute things make me make excited, squeaky noises.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. Obsessive love of video games.
2. Adoration/lust for hot women.
3. I need my space  :)

Not tired.

Got a headache, though.

The cat wants to go to bed and is sitting next to me looking perplexed.

Sleeping pills are a bad idea, right?

I failed to take into account on this trip that I am crippled when it comes to the need for sleep. Every day has been me sleeping a crazy amount of time during the day (11 hours today) and then being awake most or all of the night. I can't believe I spent the day in my hotel room. Tomorrow we fly to Madrid, where I deeply hope I can explore at least slightly more than I did here (although the one walk we did take was a treasured experience for me.)

I feel non-elastic and hard to bend. This disappoints me. I don't want to be kept from the adventures of life because I can't handle the stress they entail. Getting motion sick and not being able to go on roller coasters is one thing, but if I can't travel overseas without being miserable from jet lag the entire time then I am going to kick myself in the face. This is ridiculous.

The thing I love the most about this place is its age. It's old in a way you can feel in your bones as you walk down the streets.  The old plaza near LaSeu Cathedral has been my favorite place so far, where the streets between homes are like winding little secrets and each step you take resonates against the cobblestones. I still haven't been able to regulate my sleep schedule, so hopefully today I can do that so I can explore more of this amazing place.

So.

Why is there a peeg there with the puppies, you ask.

Well.

The thing is, his mom couldn't take care of him, so he needed someone else to help out.  Next thing you know, he's hanging out with these Dachshunds. The full story is here, but really people...interspecies love. Scary between humans and animals, but pretty much perfection between dog and pig.

So tomorrow I leave to fly to Spain.

The longest I have ever been on an airplane is six hours, which makes me want to tear my hair out. This flight is eight and a half hours, which makes me feel a little nervous. Of course, after the plane ride is over, I'll be here.



I've never wished more deeply that I was a photographer. I'll take pictures, but this seems to me like a place that I won't be able to truly capture without the talent of the photographer's eye. I can write about it, which is something. This place has existed since 123 BC. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. This makes New Orleans seem an infant by comparison. I can't begin to imagine how rich with human past this place will feel.

After Friday, we leave Palma and fly to Madrid. Sadly, I did not know the Puerta de Alcalá was in Madrid, as I've only seen it in movies and in a video game. I hope we will have time to go see it.



Finally at thirty, I'm leaving the country for the first time. I can't wait.

I think I'ma come back for a while.

A text message from Shadow upon waking filled me with thoughts of New Orleans this morning. I've been thinking it but now its coming closer than ever....going home. My beautiful, crippled, broken city. How will it be for me to stand at her side again? When I think about the overwhelming feeling of standing on Decatur, my feet on cobblestoned streets, the smell of age and the Mississippi, the humidity of the air, all I can think about is crying. I see myself as a sieve through which all of these things will pass. I am grateful. I will be filled with life.

I've been struggling with what I percieved as being out of touch with my emotions. Thinking about this this morning, I realized I'm not out of touch at all. Everything I am feeling is genuine and right, its just that I thought I should be feeling something else. I shouldn't. I am where I am. I don't want certain things. Others I do. When I think of the right things, I still feel the swelling emotions that I relate with being myself. Instead of exploding inside at every thing that comes my way, it comes for only things that make the right impact. Some things are making a lot of impact. I'm holding them inside, for right now. I'm happy about where I am.

 I have run out of time for regular blogging. That, or it just doesn't hold the priority it used to. Still, I miss he catharsis of writing everything out, so I thought it might be about time for an update.

I never thought I'd say this, but I finally feel confident that I've found my calling. My experience writing with Destructoid for the past 4 months has been one of the most amazing of my life. Never have I felt I fit in so well with a group of people with similar interests. Even better, I'm writing about video games every day. When I was a kid, my dream was to be a part of this industry. If you had told me even a year ago that I would attend every major gaming conference, party with all the people in the industry, and be approached by websites to be a guest writer, I would have laughed in your face. This shit is insane. I hope it never ends.

After a crazy back and forth nightmare inside my head, I decided not to move to Portland. Even after I had made my decision and I thought I was ready to go, I kept getting these weird feelings in my gut. I realized a lot of moving there was about wanting to be in a smaller place, to try to regain some of the intimacy I missed from New Orleans. On the other hand, LA offered me more opportunity to go to game related events, meet people and network than almost any other place could. Strangely enough, as soon as I decided not to leave, I saw LA in a different light. I've been completely happy here since that whole thing, and if thats what it took to make me appreciate what I have, I'm glad it happened as it did.

After a year here, I've finally started to find the kind of friends I missed in New Orleans...people I can totally fuck off with, be stupid, be myself with. This does my heart more good than I can express here. For the first time in my life, I feel completely happy being on my own. I've always been a person that craved a relationship, but I feel really awesome without one right now. If one comes along I won't argue it, but its never felt better to just do my own thing and focus on myself.

That's about it for now. Life is amazing. I'll try to write more soon, I promise.

i feel like i haven't had either the free time or the inclination to write here in so long. there's been so much going on, in my head and heart, and a lot of it i couldn't understand (some of it i still don't).

i've decided to move to Portland. my goal is to move there by April 1st. i went there last weekend and spent 4 days and fell in love. i will never trash talk Los Angeles for the things it's taught me; if it wasn't for the experience of moving and living here, i would never have had the guts to pursue my writing. now i've been here long enough that i'm ready to acknowledge that while this place offers a lot of good things, it isn't a good fit for me. i grew up in an intimate city, and the overwhelming size of this place makes me feel lost. i'm looking forward to exploring a new city that is more of a fit for me.

since i realized that i wanted to do this, i've felt restless and upset, not knowing what i really wanted until i got there. after the trip, i felt like the depression i had been carrying around here for months dissolved. my social desire came back, and i'm so happy about that. i'm elated but also afraid, knowing this is the first time i am moving away from everything that resembles a family. at the same time, i know i have to move forward, and i feel i truly will by following this lead.

it's not too often that one stands at the crossroads of one's own life. i feel bewildered and happy all at the same time. i am perpetually humbled by my own humanity.

it's melodramatic and stupid, but tonight I just feel like taking my heart out of my chest and putting it aside in a box.

it was a bad day.

i was ashamed of myself for poor decisions.

i hate my complusions.

i hate my inability to learn a lesson.

i hate when people say they will and don't.

my stomach hurts.

i'm tired.

i've moodswung from loving my life into not liking it one bit and i cannot tell you why.

This is Crow's idea. I'm to list the ten fictional characters I'd most like to have sex with in no particular order. 1. Dana Scully/Fox Mulder from the X Files (preferrably simultaneously) 2.The entire cast of Final Fantasy 8 3. Claire Fisher from Six Feet Under 4. Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk ( I know he's gay, but this is my fantasy goddammit) 5.Chris Knight from Real Genius (Val Kilmer) 6. Jerome from The Pillow Book (Ewan McGregor) 7. Christian from Moulin Rouge (Ewan again) 8.E. Edward Grey from Secretary (James Spader) 9. Aragorn from Lord of the Rings (Viggo Mortensen) 10. Gia Carangi from Gia (Angelina Jolie)

My heart is heavy and I am without words.

I would do anything to be by your side today.

Some days rhyme and reason just go out the window. Today has been one of those days. Luckily for me, I had someone to call when I was losing my shit who knew and understood. She listened and she told me to write.

 After a year that forced me to face my demons, I have made a lot of life changes. I have tried to reach out towards things I am afraid of. I have fulfilled one of my greatest dreams in being to paid to write. And still tonight, I found myself distinegrating because I am still struggling to believe in and like myself. Even though I'm not seeking the same approval from other people I once was, there's still the clench in my gut of need and desire. The childish want for someone to come and soothe the fear and make me believe that I am all they tell me I am. Now no one can tell me. I've seen what I was doing and I can't do it anymore. Friends advised me to find the things I loved and do them. I'm starting to do that and now I realize that my upset is partially due to impatience at a lack of return. I want to feel good about myself NOW. I've spent so many years feeling bad. Rationally I know I can't fix myself so quickly. But irrationally, I feel like throwing a temper tantrum.

Being with Joel and seeing the same problems come up as before with Connor, I really can see the problem that's plagued so many of the relationships I've been in has been my destructive lack of self esteem. It's voracious and will destroy anything in my life that can't feed it constantly. Now it's back, trying to destroy what I have now. I'm afraid of it. I'm angry that it won't stop eating everything in it's path. And most of all, I'm intimidated by a foe that's actually inside of me. It's a part of me, so I can't defeat it. As much as I'd like to cut it out of me, I know I can't. I need to transform it into something else.

I saw The Fountain.

Words do not describe so I will not try.

Shadow, Rich and Susan, go see this film immediately.

James, go see this as soon as you aren't in the middle of the goddammed desert.

That is all.

I just spoke to Brian at Kotaku. Looks like it's time for me to write another article for them. He also stressed that he is still working to try to find a way to get me in on the regular staff.

YAY!

http://blowinthegameslot.blogspot.com/

The last 72 hours have been very irrational inside my head.

Since I started feeling this way, I've found myself dwelling on the nature of irrational emotions. Every person I know has them, regardless of whether they should be old enough to "know better." I wonder where the idea came from that age teaches us how to handle irrational emotion any better than when we were teenagers. Looking around me, it seems it's still happening to people all the time. I'm sure it's a contributing factor to why over 50% of marriages end in divorce-because if people are making life decisions out of this irrationality that I am feeling now, surely it destines things to end badly.

I've changed. For a while I wasn't sure. I thought my reserve with people here was out of having been hurt recently, or because of all the loss I've suffered since the hurricane. I also thought it might be temporary. Now I'm realizing it's permanently changed me. I've developed a different way of approching relationships. I'm sometimes lonely, but I can't feel it anymore. It seems that it's very different than any other way I've related to people. In a way I feel happy about it, because I could use some reserve. On the other hand, it makes me know that the passionate energy of youth in me has changed, and I feel regret over that. It's normal, I know. But I'm still sorry about it.

Stacey, Judson, Joel and I went swing dancing last night. I was immediately addicted. What a complete thrill to see people dancing so well and having such a fantastic time.

There's going to be more of that in my future. With more comfortable shoes.

Afterwards we went to Pasadena, ate indulgently wonderful italian food, came home and watched Spaced and went to sleep.

I'm just plain happy.