:::...All We Are Saying, Is Give Peace A Chance...::: [entries|archive|friends|userinfo] ...The.Girl.You.Love... [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ archive | journal archive ]

[Nov. 5th, 2005|01:47 am] [ mood | devious ] Don't try to penetrate the master mind fucker. I do bite, it does hurt, and you will be so fucked to think your superior to my geniousity. link 2 comments|post comment

What the fuck?! [Sep. 29th, 2005|02:05 pm] [ mood | aggravated ] what the fuck are you supposed to do when someones drug relapse is dependent on you? they'll either go back to it, or be okay; but whichever, it depends on you. link post comment

... [Sep. 14th, 2005|01:23 pm] [ mood | anxious ] You know, its funny how much you can believe in someone no matter how often there lying right to your face... No matter how often they tell you completely different things then there saying otherwise... Its crazy that you can love and support and care for and do everything for one single person who means everything to you, and they can somehow still lie to you as if your nothing... I guess somewhere inside, i always knew these things. I guess it was always obvious. It's not you my beautiful, its me... It always has been... Maybe there was a reason they hated me; maybe there was a reason i just wasn't good enough. Well, ive figured it out. I know everything and more now... Im around your finger, though, and I have found that i cant unwind myself. I cant uncoil myself from the things my heart feels, no matter how much thoses very things are destroying me. Those things that are wrapping around me, constantly getting tighter waiting for me to just let go; to just give up. To bleed the way you've always wished i would. And it would all be for you. The tears; the desire; the screams; the love; the agony; the blood; the beauty; the defeat. It would be yours. And through it all, i have finally just now figured out that there is no escape. There is no way to the light; for it's gone. The impossibility of the situation has sunk in and it will only sink deeper. Im starting to wish i could wake up from this and it would all have been a dream. But im already in this ruin that is being eternally yours... And yet, I still love you. link 1 comment|post comment

[Jun. 22nd, 2005|08:17 am] [ mood | bouncy ] •Band: Velvet Revolver •Are you male or female: We're all in need of a superhuman woman now We're all in need of a superhuman woman now So rodeo, rodeo, rodeo, rodeo Throw the rope around her neck and get the show on the road •Describe yourself: I've took it farther on the outside I've took it nearly to the brink And if you've seen me on the outside You would have barely seen me breathe •How do some people feel about you: Don't look at me now Fell too fast your wings won't hold Don't look at me now Fell too fast your wings won't hold •How do you feel about yourself: Bled another heart Then began to fall apart •Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Sometimes I think I'm scared Sometimes I know I feel like making love Sometimes I don't I feel like letting go Maybe not I feel like giving up Is all we got Sometimes is all the time And never means maybe Sometimes is all the time Maybe •Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: It's always over after the night It's always colder after the night I broke through the ice •Describe where you want to be: Get away without borders I'm a slave, New World Order I guess I chose to be I guess I chose to be I guess I chose to be I guess I chose to be •Describe what you want to be: You got your head in the clouds and your world's upside down •Describe how you live: Get away from the life you're living Get away from the man that's stealing your life Get away from the drugs you're taking Get away from the film of sex in your life •Describe how you love: When you seek me you destroy me Rape my mind and smell the poppies Born and bloodied every single time Always keep me under finger That's the spot where you might linger But I see some type of pleasure in my mind •Share a few words of wisdom: Brain and body melting while there's roaches multiplying It's the alien infection it's the coming of Christ All these sentimental halos and these consequential angels When I'm runnin with the devil don't deliver the fight link 1 comment|post comment

[Jun. 21st, 2005|02:09 pm] [ mood | scared ] little stressed lately. While everything is going so good, theres really really bad shit thrown in for shits and giggles. But mostly, shit is good. Great even. Out of boredom im gonna put some random photos up. Enjoy... Me & Simon at his Graduation... Mikey & Simon at his Grad... Me & Raye at her Grad... Rich(with Tommy on the side)... Lovely Rita... Catch you cats on the flip side... Jessy.... XOXO You know that when you open your eyes, You'll only see me... You'll only here me... You'll only breathe me... ---------------------------------------------- I wrote this about a month and a half ago.... Narcotic soldier, Lemonade eyes & chocolate cascade, A liquid addiction, Photographs of a broken prince... Shy infatuation, Galaxy of nectar- southern morphine, A cherry quiver, Sex glazed knuckles & tiger lily kisses... Counterfeit Peppermint, Riff of decay fresh on his tastebuds, A lemon-lime obsession, Pelting the moist strings of a flower... Camouflaged innocence, Manicured angel & coffee curls, An infectious tourniquet, Filtered limbs in the moonlight... Candid addiction... The petals of turqouise & amethyst, A beautiful crucifix, Taste the slut in the butterfly... link post comment

Never means maybe..... [Jun. 20th, 2005|12:41 pm] [ mood | crazy ] 1. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me. 2. Go to images.google.com and search for that word. 3. Reply to this post with one of the pictures on the first page of results (don't tell me the word) (or, if you don't know html to do this, just post the link). 4. Put this in your own journal so that I can do the same ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Written June 19, 2005 5:30 a.m. Thirst for sky blue, The momentum has taken hold, White light special, racoon eyes, Catatonic morning glaze. Defy the missle, Cradle the reflection, Disbelieve the doorbell, The cancer cannot see. Compulsive and Consievable, Protocol for her, Fabulous atom bomb, A soldier never sleeps. Defy the missle, Cradle the reflection, Disbelieve the doorbell, The cancer cannot see. On the brink of an encore, The season of many moons, Ancient sounds of crickets, Tangerine tilt-a-whirl. Defy the missile, Cradle the reflection, Disbelieve the doorbell, The cancer cannot see. Throttling her sexuality, Filter out the denial, A kiss of jalapenio, The notion of forever. Defy the missile, Cradle the reflection, Disbelieve the doorbell, The cancer cannot see. link 1 comment|post comment

....... [Jun. 20th, 2005|08:47 am] "Loving The Alien (Sometimes)" Velvet Revolver Sometimes I think I'm scared Sometimes I know I feel like making love Sometimes I don't I feel like letting go Maybe not I feel like giving up Is all we got Sometimes is all the time And never means maybe Sometimes is all the time Maybe And I'm moving on And I'm moving on (Sometimes I feel alone) And I'm moving on And I'm moving on Sometimes I make believe When we're alone Machines have taken hold Can you get me to a telephone It's just the little things You used to see Am I still that man who makes you who you want to be I never noticed How lovely were the aliens Lovely were the aliens I never noticed Lovely were the aliens Lovely were the aliens I never noticed Lovely were the aliens Lovely were the aliens link post comment

SO FREAKIN EXCITED! [Jun. 9th, 2005|08:46 pm] [ mood | artistic ] Awesomeness. On July 9th i am taking live photos for a signed band called Milos Syndicate at one of there shows. Also, this record company called Anthem Entertainment wants to help me build my portfolio. Im so proud of myself. Im getting off my ass and getting out there. I am actually proud of myself for something. finally. I also have quite a few other bands that i may be photographing live and promo. coolness. Tomorrow night i get my second model. Rita is going to model for me. I have some great ideas and i cant wait to see how they come out. I may have to drop out. My school wants to keep me back for being hospitalized and what not. My grandmother said if they are gonna keep me back she will sign me out. Shes fine with it. She knows ill take responsibility for myself, i always do... This weekend should be fun. Im sleeping over Rita's friday like usual(doing some glamour shots) and im sleeping over Raye's on saturday. Im glad were getting close again. gunna go now. Catch you cats on the flip side... P.S. Happy Graduation Simon and Raye! Im so proud of you both!!! link post comment

This is crazy... [May. 16th, 2005|06:01 pm] [ mood | loved ] You are amazing. You make me incredibly happy. I havent felt this good about myself in a long time. For a while, i have had NO self esteem what so ever. Things that were said to me werent doing it; i didnt believe them. But when you say them to me, i believe you. It's wierd not completely hating yourself. Just don't go anywhere... Im crazy about you... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have never had a best friend like you. I would love if someday we could be friends. Maybe someday soon, maybe not. I know you'd like that too. Honestly, I was lieing to both of us too. We are two people who just need someone. I will love you for the rest of my life, and you'll love me too. Call me sometime, i called you after all... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Stay Away Yeah, I want to travel south This year Aaah, Woah, Woah Won't prevent safe passage here Why you act crazy Not an act maybe So close a lady Shifty eyes shade Yeah, hey Yeah, tears that soak A callous heart Why you act frightened I am enlightened Your weakness builds me So someday you'll see I stay away link post comment

Anomymous(probably spelled wrong....) [Apr. 8th, 2005|03:56 pm] [ mood | weird ] Next to each asterik thingy is a comment for someone different. Im not putting names. If your here, you'll know... im in a wierd mood, every few months, i get the urge to do this shiz... *I love you. There are no other words to describe it; in fact those words arn't good enough. You are beautiful and sweet and loving and sexy, and a million other things i could never begin to write down. I cant wait untill next year(less than that). I can't wait to wake up every morning to the most beautiful smile. I love you. I love you. I love you. *I hate you. I hate that you were in my dream. Thinking about you is making me sick. I can hardly stand the fact that your breathing. It's wierd with you. When someone falls for you, its not really love, its obsession. Look at your current "lover". There crazy about you even though you treat them like shit. You did it to me, your doing it to them, and you'll do it again. We both fucked up, but you conned every one into thinking you were the little innocent victim. You'll never be alone, but you'll certainly never be loved without a catch. I don't know how or why, but no matter what you do to people, they come back to you. Its not like your charming or a good person or anything, theres just something there that sucks people in like a black hole. You almost ruined everything, and then suck up to the one who is MINE like she gives two shits what you have to say. Get a fucking life. You are the definition of hell and you deserve to be shot... *You are my best friend. Your always there for me and to give me advice and drive my ass around and what not, and i love you to death for every thing you do for me. *I used to be in love with you. Crazy fucking in love with you. I knew you were straight, but sometimes you made it hard for me to tell. I almost wrote you a letter one time telling you we could never talk again. It was because i was in love with you. But now... I dont see how i ever loved you, because i hate you. *I love you and i hope ive been good enough to you. I sometimes feel like im not because of stupid reasons. I dont know. I hope your happier than you were 2 months ago... *I cant fucking stand you. your an attention sucking whore and you need a life. I hate saying that, but its true. You are not a victim, get over yourself. *You are in love with a total fucking moron. She is horrible to you and you damn well know it. You break up every five fucking minutes. Your only hurting yourself and wasting time... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hope your okay Rita. I dont know if your home yet or not, i havent been updated, but i really hope your okay... link 1 comment|post comment

Babysitting blows! [Apr. 1st, 2005|06:33 pm] [ mood | Douche-like ] hey. Boredom. just babysitting in the middle of the fricken woods pretty much. this isnt gonna be anything important, i just havent updated in forever. I got busted for like a million things in school. innapropriete shit, "porn", smoking, drinking. the works. whatever. I dont even care. the only thing pissing me off is that i have absolutly NO ABSENCES left. dammit. My Uncle, Aunt, and 2 cousins are finally here and what not. Im happy about that. plus im getting closer to the rest of the family. Im living upstairs with the newbies(aunt and what not.). My bitch grandmother kicked me out for NO reason. friggan wench. I dont have to take spanish next year! uber yes! i love my Raye. I thought id say it. i love you baby. see you cats on the flip side.... link post comment

...One girl's trash, is another slut's treasure... [Feb. 25th, 2005|04:43 pm] [ mood | Baked ] Its been cool. Went to Norwich state with Simon on Wed. It was beautiful. I got away with thirty three pictures(when a security guard catches you they take your film; i put my camera inside my shirt and she never noticed.) We almost got arested/$500 fine, but we talked our way out of it. Came back to Mass., chilled with Sarah, Mikey & pete(simon was still there.) Smoked, and just chilled. On Thur. i got some cute hippie skirts at this nifty little thrift store (and a bigbird bag), we chilled, smoked a shit load and went over Tiffany's( <3 ). Did some stuff.... Smoked some more, and went home to finally fuckin sleep. And today was wonderful. Sarah got me my Bday present. Its beautiful. Ill post a pic of it in a few days/weeks/when i get to it. It's all green, orange, white, and brown. Now were just hanging out(me, sarah, and pete) being baked and waiting for Simon to get his arse here(ive decided im British now...) Funess! wee! Yes hunny. Thats very mature. Tell everyone of your little whore life; your inability to be a good lover; & your last breathe. Just keep smile gorgeous. My biggest mistakes are sort of a blur now. Its the drugs. I won't call back. I won't feel guilty. I won't touch the thought. I won't ever believe. I loved you. How could i not. More than anyone could ever love anyone or anything else. I think that maybe, lied because i loved you. When i found out about you and her, it pretty much killed me. I ddn't want you to feel like that. I didn't want you to hurt like that. I know thats no excuse, im not ever going to say that you should forgive me. I never ever forgave you. But it's different. Going out with someone and only kissing and sex are two totally different things. I know that now. Never EVER forgive me. BUT NEVER EVER think that it meant something. It was kind of the way a married man sometimes gets a hooker because he's bored of the sex with his wife. Curiousity of what couldv'e been, or never seen. It's not reasonable, i know that. It's actually quite ridiculous when you think. But the feelings i had after it had happend and every time i lied, was the worst anyone could ever feel. That horrible feeling you can never control. I makes you want bleed. But i couldn't bare to make you feel that way with me. You couldn't know. You were too precious to see in pain. I wasn't like the way every one is describing me. You damn well know that. I was as good to you as you were to me. Sometimes perfect; sometimes miserable(mostly good though). I am not a whore. I didn't treat you horribly. I never gave you the impression the i was horrible. WHAT I DID was horrible, i know that and will NEVER forgive myself, but i myself am not a horrible person. I don't make the best desicions, I dont do the absolute best i could do at things, but I am not horrible. You loved me. And you knew you could. I only wish you knew you still could. But you won't. And thats definetly understandable. I won't ever expect you on the other line; or pressure you to love me; anything. I can't. You'll NEVER EVER EVER be loved like you were with me. You will NEVER EVER have anyone who cared as much as i did. NEVER. I'd like to apoligize to your beautiful voice, im sorry that thats not allowed. I am. But don't think you'll cross my mind. I won't let you through. My heart is in the mail for you..... It's neverending. link 3 comments|post comment

I don't like the new me either..... [Feb. 18th, 2005|05:38 am] [ mood | worried ] [ music | Beatles- Yellow Submarine ] I love you. Im sorry. I need you to love me back, not just the idea of us. I dont love you because i dont want to be alone. i love you because you are the most amazing person. I didnt know that i made you feel that way. I hate myself so much right now because of it. Im sorry i hurt you baby. im so sorry. I am SOOO proud to be with you and to know your mine. NOTHING has ever made me prouder. Im done. I quit smoking weed unless your in the mood. thats all. im done. and if you are completely done, so am i. Please love me again. please. ill beg forever if i need to. just let me keep being as proud as i am that i have the most amazing, beautiful wifey in the world. and please, please keep loving me back. love me, not the idea. I know you do, or i hope you do. please. im sorry. I really am more sorry than you'll ever know.... Im completely done. Because i don't like the new me either.... I am so in love with you. Dont go anywhere, please. you are my everything. im sorry. Me and the love of my love link 4 comments|post comment

Fill This Out! Dammit! [Feb. 14th, 2005|08:02 am] [ mood | Dying of Boredom ] Sounds like a plan man. I stole this from some slut. 01. who are you, what's our relationship: 02. how and where did we meet: 03. what's my middle name: 04. how long have you known me: 05. tell me one good thing about myself: 06. when you first saw me what was your impression: 07. my age: 08. birthday: 09. my favorite band at the moment: 10. color eyes: 11. do i have any siblings: 12. have you ever had a crush on me: 13. what's one of my favorite things to do: 14. do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you: 15. describe me in 3 words: 16. name 5 things i love: 17. do you think i'm good looking: 18. how would you describe me to someone: 19. would you ever date me: 20. tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did: 21: what do you like most about me: 22: if we could spend a day together what would we do: 23: have we ever gotten in a fight: 24: do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years: 25. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 26. What do you think my weakness is? 27. Do you think I'll get married? 28. What makes me happy? 29. What makes me sad? 30. What reminds you of me? 31. If you could give me anything what would it be? 32. When's the last time you saw me? 33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same? 34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen? 35. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you? 36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why? 37. What song (if any) reminds you of me? 38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? 39. Would you make a move on me? 40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day? link 2 comments|post comment

FUCK YEAH!!! [Feb. 14th, 2005|07:35 am] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | The Beatles-I am the walrus ] Im in school. But then how am i updating? Hacking! fuck yeah! Anywyas, i didnt really get to update last night because mike was being a fuckin douche. I got my christing book from simon today. thats fucking awesome. Wow. Just fucking wow. The Beatles What's The New Mary Jane Lyrics: She looks as an African queen, she eating twelve chapattis and cream, she tastes as Mongolian lamb, she coming from out of Bahran. What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. What a shame Mary Jane. What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. She like to be married with Yeti, he grooving such cooky spaghetti, she jumping as Mexican bean to make that her body more thin. What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. What a shame Mary Jane. What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. She catch Patagonian pancake with that one a gin party makes. She having all the ways good contacts, she making with Apple an contract. What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. What a shame Mary Jane. What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. All together now: What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. What a shame Mary Jane. What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. She looks as an African queen, she tastes as Mongolian lamb. What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. What a shame Mary Jane. What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. What a shame Mary Jane. What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party. Availability: Anthology 3 (CD) Lead Singer: John Recording: 8/14/68, 11/26/69 Mixing: 8/14/68, 9/26/68, 10/14/68, 9/11/69, 11/26/69 Length: Take: What Goes On? Anomalies n/a Note: I did not write or compile these anomalies. Please don't email me with new anomalies and please read the WGO Info page. link post comment

"Dude, did you just call me kremit?" [Feb. 13th, 2005|07:01 pm] [ mood | <---- wanna be this mofo ] at lynne's hizzle. i smoke entirerly too much reefer. (haha mike, i stole it!) not much to talk about Raye came over last night and smoked with us. it was pretty nifty. Not going to the dance next week(going to Finding Nemo on ice) Gotta talk to Sarah so everything can be alright. Almost valentines day(my mofoing book man!!!) Raye doesnt want me to say dude or man anymore. she says i sound like a stoner hippie fool. what the fuck man? im gonna go now(gotta hide in a closet...) love you Baby. link post comment

Quiz Dealy (thank you Baby!) [Feb. 1st, 2005|03:13 pm] [ mood | Fat Slob ] BAND: The Beatles 1.Are you male or female? Get a dose of her in jackboot and kilt She's killer diller when she's dressed to the hilt She's the kind of a girl that makes the news of the world Yes you could say she was attractively built 2.Describe yourself: She came in through the bathroom window protected by a silver spoon But now she sucks her thumb and wonders By the banks of her own lagoon 3.Describe your friends: What would you think if I sang out of tune Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song And I'll try not to sing out of key Oh I get by with a little help from my friends Mm I get high with a little help from my friends Mm going to try with a little help from my friends 4.How do your friends feel about you? She said I know what it's like to be dead I know what it is to be sad And she's making me feel like I've never been born 5.Describe your family: Living is easy with eyes closed Misunderstanding all you see It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out It doesn't matter much to me 6.How do you feel about yourself? Without going out of my door I can know all things of earth Without looking out of my window I could know the ways of heaven 7.Describe your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend: Let me tell you about a girl I know, she's my baby and I love her so. Every morning when the sun comes up, she brings me coffee in my favorite cup. That's why I know, yes I know, hallelujah I just love her so Or(i couldn’t decide) You never wear a suit of lace, the powder's not on your face. You're always wearing jeans except on sunday. So please don't ever change, no don't you ever change. I kind of like you just the way you are. You don't know the latest dance, but when it's time to make romance your kisses let me know you're not a tomboy. 8.What would you rather be doing? Do the hippy shake shake with all of your might. Or (couldn’t decide) Why don't we do it in the road Why don't we do it in the road Why don't we do it in the road Why don't we do it in the road No one will be watching us 9.Describe where you live: And all the people that come and go stop to say hello On the corner is a banker with a motor car the little children laugh at him behind his back And the banker never wears a "mac" in the pouring rain Very strange 10.Describe how you love: Let this be a sermon I mean everything I've said Baby, I'm determined And I'd rather see you dead You better run for your life if you can, little girl Hide your head in the sand little girl 11.How do you feel about your ex? Do what you want to do And go where you're going to Think for yourself 'cause I won't be there with you I left you far behind The ruins of the life that you had in mind And though you still can't see I know your mind's made up You're gonna cause more misery 12.Share a few words of wisdom: Picture yourself on a boat on a river With tangerine trees and marmalade skies Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly A girl with kaleidoscope eyes link post comment

MOFO [Dec. 31st, 2004|05:49 pm] [ mood | Freakin Excited! ] Tonight is going to top anybodys night, EVER! Me, Sarah, Mikey, Simon, and Rita have booked a motel room. We also bought 30 Triple Blacks(1 24 pack and 1 6 pack), a thing of Kalua, and a half bottle of Gold Slauggors(spelled wrong prolley)... we are so cool... Its almost me and Rayes 11 month(Jan. 6th). yay!!! it really doesnt seem like its been almost a year. Feb. 6th is are one freakin year aniversary. im excited. this past (almost) year has been great. more than great; unexplainable. Shit has happend, but we got over it, really fast. And every thing weve gotten over just proves that NO MATTER who trys to break us up, its not happening. I love you Baby!!! tomorrow(if we all dont die of alchohal poisoning) were gonna attemp to wake up early and go to bickfords. that should be nifty. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Are we talking? because i cant tell... Are you leaving, because thats all i see. If our eyes meet at a train station in 5 years, would you fall in love with me all over, or would you turn around? link post comment

Stolen from Hali... [Dec. 25th, 2004|08:10 pm] [ mood | melancholy ] :fill this out: (or ill gut you like a freakin fish) how did we meet? what did you think of me? do you remember the first thing you said to me? if so, what was it? do you remember the first thing you thought about me? if so, what was it? how do you feel about me now? do we hang out enough? should we hang out less? how often do we talk? do i mean anything to you? are we "true" friends? could you talk to me about anything? who would you rather hang out with than me? am i nice or mean? am i obnoxious or shy? am i clean or a slob? am i hot or not? am i fun or boring? am i loud or quiet? (not like that guys...) would you change anything about me? what's the worst possible thing you could say about me? have i ever hurt you? if so, how? if so, do you think i'll do it again? have you ever hurt me? if so, how? if so, do you think you'll do it again? am i worth your time? describe me in one word. only one word. do you love me? do you admire me? do you trust me? how can i be the best friend to you i can possibly be? what's your opinion on this quiz? link 1 comment|post comment

Wow... im gonna sound fucked up when you finish reading this... [Dec. 14th, 2004|05:08 pm] [ mood | thirsty ] Today was really awful. I got out of bed really late because my alarm clock has broken and I cannot afford a new one at the moment. I feel a bit strange because we've just moved to Idaho and there's a weird smell in the house. I'm so stoned. Last night I had to shave my entire body. Apparently, the lice that I caught from Amanda's friend are really hard to get rid of. I look quite strange with no hair and eyebrows. I'd post pictures, but my webcam is broken. I want to tell the world that my girlfriend Amy is the bomb! She made pizza last night, and even though I burnt my lips on the cheese, it was awesome!!! I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been in prison. Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's some photos of my cock. I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go. I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, and should stop smoking drugs. You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron. That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with some naked photos of myself. (Not safe for work - teehee). Go here: Created with the Gregor's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater™. Update your journal today! Look Stupid like me and be lazy... All At Once!!! link post comment

Quiz! [Nov. 29th, 2004|11:17 am] [ mood | accomplished ] i stole this from a wretched douchebag whos life is not important to anyone.... but enjoy! If I were a month, I'd be: November If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Saturday If I were a time of day, I'd be: 9pm If I were a planet, I'd be: Neptune If I were an animal, I'd be: a Rat If I were a direction, I'd be: North If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be: Ginormous Reclining Chair If I were a liquid, I'd be: french vanilla coffee If I were a tree, I'd be: willow If I were a bird, I'd be: penguin If I were a tool, I'd be: hammer If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: tiger lily If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: 60, sunny-ish If I were a season, I'd be: Fall If I were a mythical creature, I'd be: A Fairy If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: guiter If I were a measurement, I'd be: an inch If I were a street sign, I'd be: Slippery when wet If I were a color, I'd be: Pink If I were an emotion, I'd be: Ditzy(is that an emotion?) If I were a vegetable, I'd be: a squash If I were a sound, I'd be: a moan If I were a font, I'd be: Mona Lisa Solid If I were an element, I'd be: earth If I were a car, I'd be: a pink mini cooper If I were a song, I'd be: Poison- Cherry Pie If I were a picture, I'd be: overexposed If I were a movie, I'd be: Better Than Chocolate If I were a place, I'd be: Raye's bed If I were a material, I'd be: Cotten If I were a language, I'd be: Russian If I were a book, I'd be: The Divinci Code If I were a meal, Id be: Tuna with peas and hard boiled eggs(its good!) If I were a utensil, I'd be: spork If I were a food I'd be: Extra cheese pizza If I were a scent, I'd be: Black Rasberry Vanilla If I were a word, I'd be: Mofo If I were a curse word, I'd be: Fuck If I were an object, I'd be: my polka dotted shoes If I were a body part, I'd be: Boobs If I were a subject in school, I'd be: enviormental science If I were a shape, I'd be: umm..... hexagon? If I were a symbol, I'd be: pink triangle If I were punctuation, I'd be: .......... If I were a letter, I'd be: Q If I were a number, I'd be: 17 If I were an article of clothing, I'd be: toe socks link 1 comment|post comment

Bring the giant down..... [Nov. 29th, 2004|08:09 am] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Dashboard Confessional- Vindicated ] Updating! Wee! So Thanksgiving was on Thursday(as it always is...) I slept over Raye's House the night before. We got to sleep uber late; like noon(late for me)... We got up and took a shower(together, wee...) and went to my uncle's house at like 4, chewed and screwed. then we stopped by auntie lauries for like 20 minutes, then back to Raye's. THEY DIDNT EAT TURKEY ON FREAKIN THANKSGIVING!!! what is with that?! we watched Dawn Of The Dead and Saved and i slept over again.. I saw the spongbob movie friday night *sexy* note to someone- touch her again and ill fuckin bash your face in... Saturday, i played musical friends- hung out with Raye, then Joleen and Hali, then Ashley and Megan. Went shopping with Hali and Joleen *fun-ness* i bought Beavis And Butthead Do America, like the greatest movie ever. It was cool hangin out with them again cuz i wanted to be better freinds with Joleen and i havent hung out with Hali in a while, missed her. I am so dumb. i cause this ginormous fight sat. night. i am just not smart. I saw Raye last night after work, lots of fun.... dirty thingies... "Is it 991 or 911?" -Me (*blondness*) i think the bleach is sinking into my brain.... I Love You Baby! link 1 comment|post comment

Caress me down..... [Nov. 12th, 2004|05:04 pm] [ mood | ditzy ] yeah... not a whole lot to say.... Ive made a few new friends. These girls Ashley and Megan. There really cool, me and Raye have other dykes to double with now! *sexiness*.... Im sorta mad at a few people right now, but im in a good mood so i wont rant. except for one person- i hate you right now. and you were someone i never thought id hate. i never did, nothing ever made me feel that way, even after all our screwed up shit. but right now, i hate you. and i cant stand to hear your voice without getting upset, but also pissed, all at once. i dont know what you expect of me, but sometimes you are as horrible as you make yourself out to seem... whatever.... i can live with out you.... i have for years. anywhoozle.... GOD DAMMIT ITS SNOWING OUT! I HATE PERCIPITATION! im gonna go now cuz im just not cool enough... Happy Birthday Beautiful... I love you... link post comment

The shapes all blend together.... [Oct. 27th, 2004|12:26 pm] [ mood | thankful ] [ music | Dashboard Confessional- Vindicated ] wow... its wierd. i come on live journal, look at my friends page, and every thing is the same. every has issues issues issues. no one is happy AT ALL. some people are upset about break ups, some totured over who/what they want, some about parents and friends, whatever. why is it that know one can see the good? stop bending yourselves out of shape, turn those frowns upside down mofos! i care about ALL of you, very much. And i hope you all feel better..... no more cvs card, hard oblect, and cut-up bendie straws for my shits and giggles. sorry guys..... i love you, Baby... link post comment

When can I turn around to see you? [Oct. 23rd, 2004|05:05 pm] [ mood | geeky ] hmmmm.... where shall i start? Ive changed ALOT. Alot... Too much in fact, and i dont know how to fix it all now that its begun... But some of this crap has to stop because if it doesnt, ill lose it. I need to talk to Raye. As soon as possible.... About everything she still needs to know.... Because she has to know. And this morning i discovered alot of things that im ready to talk about... Not just recent things, some shit from the past that i tryed to forget, but for some reason ive become secure enough with her to talk about. Its not that i didnt feel secure with her before, these are just fucked up things. But i know im protected from the world with her... Simon has sexy nipples. I chopped off my hair! weee! i just gotta get some flannel and i can be a walking stereotype! woohoo! Work has been sucking more and more lately. I need a new freakin job before i flip out and stab every one in the face. Every one has attitude problems this weekend, including me. were all so silly and need to pull the obese rodents out of our asses... ok, i was gonna write something important, but i forgot... so i love you all. catch you cats on the flip side... link post comment

Tying yourself to me, stitch up my emptyness.... [Oct. 11th, 2004|02:29 pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | ZZ Top- Lowrider ] Some one got offended by one of my past entrys, and im sorry. I ment you were a bad kisser a long time ago. i dont want you to think that, so dint or ill shank you and pop a cap in your ass... -Stitches- If it stayed i'd never leave it If that turned around I'd grieve the special dirty things that we used to talk about I mean that loving you is strange And adored by me throughout oh no it's you again Someday soon you'll find that someone Waiting for the chance to beat you Drooling on the set to feel you Blessing you with every kiss Tying yourself to me Stitch up my emptiness cause your the death of me So precious loving the thrill Tying yourself to me Stitch up my emptiness cause your the death of me So precious loving the thrill Such the patient one who needs me The spoiled one who wins So shocking where's your sense Don't you know i hate you, ohoh Unsatisfied,you little girl. Tying yourself to me Stitch up my emptiness cause your the death of me So precious loving the thrill Tying yourself to me Stitch up my emptiness cause your the death of me So precious loving the thrill Rolling dice and seeming queer Bastard love,a sick affair Let's see what new disease you'll fetch I mean that fucking you is strange And adored by me throughout Oh no it's you again Blessing you with every kiss So precious you know this hate of mine exploded I'm so deranged you know I will never be the same Tying yourself to me Stitch up my emptiness cause your the death of me So precious loving the thrill Tying yourself to me Stitch up my emptiness cause your the death of me So precious loving the thrill link post comment

Blinded by the Light... [Oct. 8th, 2004|03:48 pm] [ mood | aggravated ] Everything feels right again; it feels like it used to feel. It is such an incredible feeling to know how much someone cares about you, and to actually be able to care about them. There is always going to be that lingering thought that maybe tomorrow, the 27th, or next thursday she may decide to leave me again for something that never happened that she knew didnt happen; or for something that was never said. But i guess ill have to see how it goes, i cant go on forever having that feeling, because if i do, this relationship will crash and burn. I love you, Baby. I stopped speaking to Ben. I sort of told him off. I really do hate him; i dont hate many, i dislike alot of people, but not hate. I hate Ryan (from revere), my Father, and Mike. but now i hate him too. I never want to hear his voice or see him again. i need to forget he ever existed for my own sake. -A few people have made me feel very special this week, and have made me feel privilidged to have them in my life; Someone said to me on Thursday night "Everytime i talk to you, i relieze how much i miss you..." that made me "awwwww" for like 10 minutes straight. i love you hunny, and ive missed you, too... The one who i spent all of Wednesday with makes me feel special every time i see them, so there is no statment in particular, just everything. I love you and cant wait to wake up to your beautiful smile every day...(im so corny!) Some one who i used to not get along with to well(about 2 years ago) has become very close to me. I trust this person alot, even though we've only been friends for a few months. I hope we can stay friends for a very long time. Love you. there wouldve been someone else here, but i changed my mind today because of there dipshitty-ness.... link 1 comment|post comment

the weekend and such.... [Sep. 24th, 2004|08:17 am] [ mood | ditzy ] going out tonight with Mike, Sara, Rachel, Ben, etc. wish i was going to medford... oh well, it can wait... woooo! drunkness! link post comment

"You're Incredible..." [Sep. 22nd, 2004|08:25 am] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | Violent Femmes- Blister In The Sun ] yes, i know i am.... im not gonna let people who are dirt get me down. not gonna happen. let anyone think whatever they want... what're ya gonna do? you cant do anything about the inevidable... no matter how much i try, people are gunna keep talking, so oh well..... nothing-absolutly nothing- could make my other one come anywhere close to being my only one.... link post comment

yeah... [Sep. 20th, 2004|11:57 am] [ mood | amused ] what a weekend.... no words to describe it... just what a weekend... Your Stripper Info by radioface first name age Stripper Name: Gigi Specialty: mastering those stilettos Customers say: "She makes me go pee" Quiz created with MemeGen! link post comment

wooo! Fetus! [Sep. 17th, 2004|03:55 pm] [ mood | awake ] it has been a fucked week. but its better now. all is good now. i stole this quiz from some slut named Shea (mutethepublic) [x] Name: Jessy, Jess, whichever [x] Birthdate: 2-28-88 [x] Birthplace: exeter, nh [x] Current Location: library(oh! im cool!) [x] Eye Color: blue [x] Hair Color: blond and black cherry [x] Righty or Lefty: rightie [x] Zodiac Sign: pieces(i think thats spelled wrong) [x] Innie or Outtie: innie -----------------DESCRIBE------------------ [x] The shoes you wore today: black and white chucks [x] Your eyes: black makeup, not to much like me recently... [x] Your fears: spiders, being alone, bellybuttons(dont ask) -----------------WHAT IS------------------ [x] Your most overused phrase on aim: i dont have one [x] Your thoughts first waking up: why is there a hairy man on my floor [x] The first feature you notice in the opposite sex? nothing, dont like guys, dont notice them. [x] Your best physical feature: Eyes and maybe my boobs(if they were just a tinsy bit bigger) [x] Your bedtime: when i get there [x] Your most missed memory: not hating 50billion people -----------------YOU PREFER------------------ [x] Pepsi or coke: cherry pepsi [x] McDonald's or Burger King? taco bell [x] Single or group dates: whichever [x] Adidas or Nike: none [x] Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate flaor, vanilla scent [x] Cappuccino or coffee: ice coffee [x] Thongs or Panties: either, depending on the situation/pants -------------DO YOU------------------ [x] Smoke: nope [x] Cuss: constantly [x] Take a shower everyday: every day possible [x] Have a crush(es): my one and only. [x] Who are they: figure it out. [x] Do you think you've been in love?: absoluty. twice. one didnt make sense at all... [x] Want to go to college: yes [x] Like high school: yes [x] Want to get married: yup. and its legal now, too. [x] Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: ummm.... what? [x] Believe in yourself: i attempt to. [x] Get motion sickness: depends [x] Think you're attractive: not really, but i like to be told i am. [x] Think you're a health freak: yes, but not like i used to be. [x] Get along with your parents: with my mom, yes. with my grandmother, sometimes. [x] Like thunderstorms: eh [x] Play an instrument: i played clarinet in 5,6, and 7 grade ------------IN THE PAST MONTH DID:/:HAVE YOU-------------- [x] Go to the mall: yes [x] Eaten sushi: yup, and plan to agian. [x] Been on stage: hmm. no [x] Been dumped: goddammit.... [x] Gone skating: noperoo [x] Made homemade cookies: YES! [x] Been in love: yes... [x] Dyed your hair: yes [x] Stolen anything: maybe, cant remember. probably. wait... yeah i have. -------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------ [x] Flown on a plane: not yet. [x] Missed school because it was raining?: im such a pussy, yes. [x] Told a guy/girl that you liked them? yup [x] Cried during a Movie? just about every movie. [x] Ever thought an animated character was hot?: i dont hae down syndrome, so no. [x] Had an imaginary friend: NO! dont tell...... [x] Cut your hair: yes [x] Had crush on a teacher? no [x] Played a game that required removal of clothing? maybe... [x] Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: no [x] Been caught "doing something": maybe... yes... [x] Been called a tease: oh yeah. [x] Gotten beaten up?: does myself count or no? [x] Been in a fight: o yeah. [x] Shoplifted: yes ----------------THE FUTURE------------------ [x] Age you hope to be married: yup. [x] Numbers and Names of Children: 1 girl(no boys, absolutly not) maybe carson or celeste... [x] Descibe your Dream Wedding: thats my little secret [x] How do you want to die?: whilst asleep(heh, i liked shea's answer better...) [x] What do you want to be when you grow up?: photographer or designer of some sort... [x] What country would you most like to visit?: italy, japan, russia, tibet, etc... -----------------OPPOSITE SEX------------------ ok im gay so these are actually aplying to girls. [x] Best eye color: blue/gray [x] Best hair color: doesn't matter [x] Short or long hair: long/medium [x] Best height: doesnt matter [x] Best weight: im not into morbid obesity [x] Best first date location: doesnt matter -----------------NUMBER OF----------------- [x] Number of people I could trust with my life: umm... 3, i hope... [x] Number of CDs that I own: i done know [x] Number of piercings: 4 [x] Number of tattoos: in a month itll be one [x] Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: dont know, maybe 4 [x] Number of scars on my body: to damn many [x] Number of things in my past that I regret: too many ---------FAVORITES------------------ [x] Shampoo: pantene pro v [x] Fav Color: pink and black [x] Day/Night: Night [x] Summer/Winter: Autumn [x] Lace or Satin: satin [x] Fave Cartoon Character: plankton [x] Fave Food: japanese [x] Fave Movies: to many [x] Fave sport: none ----------------RIGHT NOW------------------ [x] Wearing: clothing [x] Drinking: nothing [x] Thinking about: too much [x] Listening to: nothing ---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------ [x] Cried: yes [x] Worn jeans: yes [x] Met someone new online: no [x] Done laundry: no [x] Drove a car: no [x] Talked on the phone: yes ---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN-------------- [x] Yourself: sometimes [x] Your friends: only my closest [x] Santa Claus: oh of course.... [x] Tooth Fairy: no [x] Destiny/Fate: no, you create your own [x] Angels: no [x] Ghosts: hmm... [x] UFO's: only blimps *inside joke* [x] God: dont know --------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------ [x] Do you ever wish you had another name?: every day [x] Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: yup [x] Do you like anyone?: yes [x] Which one of your friends acts the most like you? she knows who she is [x] Who have you known the longest of your friends?: mataih [x] Are you close to any family member?: no [x] Who do you hang around the most?: Raye [x] When have you cried the most: the past three years [x] What's the best feeling in the world?: being loved [x] Worst Feeling?: Depression, guilt [x] What time is it now?: 4:16 pm.... link post comment

You want whats mine... [Aug. 25th, 2004|06:26 pm] [ mood | loved ] well... summers been pretty okay. some wierd stuff has happend. really wierd... some things you wouldnt expect from me. but that doesnt need to be discussed.... close friends are lieing, leaving and what-not. but for some reason im not feeling as bad as i should. im also not feeling as guilty about some things as i think i should be. that makes me feel really bad, but i guess theres really nothing i can do... that okay. ill be fine. we'll be fine... ------------------------------------------ if you keep trying for what you cant have, what you can have wont want you. we are all glad to see you go... ------------------------------------------ everythings perfect, and your no part of it... link post comment

Woah! Updated-ness! [Jun. 28th, 2004|03:30 pm] [ mood | indescribable ] well... this is fun! updating rocks my funky colored socks... so hows is going? Weather and news? And how about those Red Sox? (thats jokingly btw... i dont care about any of the above, and im a yankees fan... so there...) anyways.... this isnt going to be long. i want to go to crystal lake and get some pictures. *fun and a half!* i just wanted to update for freakin once. Everything is going pretty mofo-ish... a few things are misplaced in my ass, but pretty much everything is going good. so yeah... that was my entry... didja have fun? well, i dont care..... love to you all..... cornmuffin.deviantart.com/ link post comment

woo....... [May. 25th, 2004|06:55 pm] [ mood | loved ] in the past week ive gotten a job, got chased by a duck, threw a frog at Raye, and watched drunks dance... i think ive had an okay week..... and im loved... that too.... cornmuffin.deviantart.com link 2 comments|post comment

well.....i WAS happy.... [May. 12th, 2004|04:07 pm] [ mood | contemplative ] wow. i thought i could believe in someone who makes it seem like they are being honest; someone who says they love you, truly. fuck people..... but then who am i to say that... i am the flirt arnt i? or i always was... but i tend to forget things og the past that have no relivance to now; or that would maybe hurt someone else that i care about. but i guess im the only one. i guess my "FIANCE" isnt like that..... o well..... link 1 comment|post comment

...Rachel.... [Apr. 30th, 2004|06:25 pm] [ mood | cynical ] ......Rachel........ Underneath the stars With still develed wings; slumbered fireflies Tonight... The moon is half empty And still beautiful Beautiful like me without her Devouring the fruits of decay She fucked me silver So i "strangled" her gold I shattered my muse....... ------- The pillow i carried turned to stone five miles back Tears blurry with confusion My fingers-entwined through her tangled threads of woven hair Filth- no more than she already was- gathers, Drags along, joining her naked body A pit to the left- "RESERVED" - for her shattered soul One last illumination; the half moon shimmers throughout her clouded blue eyes- dead... ------- Bodies still in bed- we layed together Existing "only" for eachother My palm meets her nape Her spine shivers like a kiss Glimpsing in her eyes- love combined unloyalty.... I can see how deep the bondage is cutting her- How her skin tastes where the leather is to tight- circulation "breaks" Almost like yesterdays mistake... Shes bleeding now, im only turned on I watch what ive done; what im doing Her life crumbles like November leaves Eventually is here... Goodbye my porcelain hades... Goodbye my Rachel.......... link post comment

fuck [Apr. 23rd, 2004|11:24 am] [ mood | drained ] Im tired of being lied to........... Im tired of being told what i can and cannot write in my own journal....... Im tired of false promises........... -------------------------------------- I love you, my everything............. -------------------------------------- link post comment

..................... [Apr. 20th, 2004|11:26 am] [ mood | contemplative ] My bitching is going to be so uninteresting that it doesnt even deserve a subject title thingy..... Every thing has been going ok, i guess. And in a sense, im almost not unhappy right now. I know i dont have an reason to be unhappy in the first place, but people just pick and pick at me untill i break. I guess i do bitch quite a bit, but all for reason. There is good things going on- being with Raye, making alot of new friends(in and out of school), etc.- but good things always get takin away from me... So yeah, i guess im scared... Im scared of losing any friend i have, im scared of staying back this year(fucking chemistry), im scared of my father(he'll be out soon), and im so so scared of losing Raye. I try so hard to treat her as good as she deserves, but sometimes, well....I suck at life.... I guess i should stop pissing and moaning now....... Yesterday was...Silly. I went to see "Passion of the christ" with my grandmother. It was an overall good movie, they just should have told the story corectly...They had the whole thing wrong.... Thats what you get when you leave the movie-making up to a couple hundred Roman-Catholics.......... "Thats not a sock........." heh... good times, good times........ link post comment

..........Is this really working for me?.......... [Apr. 16th, 2004|04:26 pm] [ mood | confused ] I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. ok, well..... They blocked live journal at my stupid school so now ill only be updating once a week(if im that lucky...) Shit..... I never got to finish apoligizing to Ryann.... Im not great at it anyway. sometimes my words just suck. im not a great writer, i only try my best. I guess apoligizing and writing are different, but it comes out bad all the same. I dont know anymore.... I just want to be liked.... .....Im sorry..... I wish Raye was sharing with me like she says she is. She doesnt tell me how she really feels. In a way, im almost mad that i got off my lazy ass and came to the library. I wouldnt know as much as i do. Then, why should she tell me things? I did something wrong, i dont know what and i have a feeling she isnt going to tell me either. She hasnt been calling me, and cancells plans. Its not a big deal, really, its just not like her. I hope its all okay.......... Ive been sort of talking to Mikey, not that it matters. Thats over and done. Theres to much there for me to deal with; to much that i dont want to remember..... Making new friends is good and bad. Its good for obvious reasons, but just as bad. More people to hurt me, whether its intentional or not. More lies. Whatever... I guess i should deal with it... This always seems to turn out the same. I always try to see the good in people, always... Im trying so hard, but no one is giving back. Maybe im not a s reliable or helpful as i try to be. I really try to make people like me or to let them know that im trustworthy and give decent advice/ or whatever. Im just not good at this whole friends "thing"........ Its really wierd with Shea... We are very mad at eachother, but there is no hostility like there usually is.... There is some things she really needs to know, but there only for her ears, i cant write them... I wonder what made Ryann decide to let me read her live journal... I like her alot and i just want her to like me too... I dont think she trusts me... maybe... i dont know... I mean, im a loyal, honest, good person, but maybe i left a bad immpression. i hope not. Maybe she thinks ill hurt Raye... I could never. Regardless of what anyone thinks, i love her, more then she(or anyone else) could ever know. Well Ryann, im always here, you have my number....... Mikey-doodle is moving to arizona and that makes me sad! I love you, Baby. Im always here, and if you dont want me to know something, thats fine.....Just please dont completely leave me in the dark.......... .........The.Girl.You.Love......... link 2 comments|post comment

..........Is this really working for me?.......... [Apr. 16th, 2004|04:26 pm] [ mood | confused ] I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. ok, well..... They blocked live journal at my stupid school so now ill only be updating once a week(if im that lucky...) Shit..... I never got to finish apoligizing to Ryann.... Im not great at it anyway. sometimes my words just suck. im not a great writer, i only try my best. I guess apoligizing and writing are different, but it comes out bad all the same. I dont know anymore.... I just want to be liked.... .....Im sorry..... I wish Raye was sharing with me like she says she is. She doesnt tell me how she really feels. In a way, im almost mad that i got off my lazy ass and came to the library. I wouldnt know as much as i do. Then, why should she tell me things? I did something wrong, i dont know what and i have a feeling she isnt going to tell me either. She hasnt been calling me, and cancells plans. Its not a big deal, really, its just not like her. I hope its all okay.......... Ive been sort of talking to Mikey, not that it matters. Thats over and done. Theres to much there for me to deal with; to much that i dont want to remember..... Making new friends is good and bad. Its good for obvious reasons, but just as bad. More people to hurt me, whether its intentional or not. More lies. Whatever... I guess i should deal with it... This always seems to turn out the same. I always try to see the good in people, always... Im trying so hard, but no one is giving back. Maybe im not a s reliable or helpful as i try to be. I really try to make people like me or to let them know that im trustworthy and give decent advice/ or whatever. Im just not good at this whole friends "thing"........ Its really wierd with Shea... We are very mad at eachother, but there is no hostility like there usually is.... There is some things she really needs to know, but there only for her ears, i cant write them... I wonder what made Ryann decide to let me read her live journal... I like her alot and i just want her to like me too... I dont think she trusts me... maybe... i dont know... I mean, im a loyal, honest, good person, but maybe i left a bad immpression. i hope not. Maybe she thinks ill hurt Raye... I could never. Regardless of what anyone thinks, i love her, more then she(or anyone else) could ever know. Well Ryann, im always here, you have my number....... Mikey-doodle is moving to arizona and that makes me sad! I love you, Baby. Im always here, and if you dont want me to know something, thats fine.....Just please dont completely leave me in the dark.......... .........The.Girl.You.Love......... link post comment

:::...randomness...::: [Apr. 12th, 2004|07:42 am] Well, saturday was extremely fun...I got smashed out of my mind. I really have never been that drunk before. I feel really bad though... Me and Mikey yelled at eachother, and i sad some pretty bad stuff to Raye and Lauren.... I think i called like evryone i know... I called Ryann and Lauren, and apparently a few others, but i cant remember who. I only know cuz my grandmother asked why i was only the phone untill 12:45... Raye couldnt get drunk :( , she had to drive home. *sadness* well, im sorry to anyone that i offended(unless you suck at life, in that case, im not sorry) I need to apoligize to Ryann. She wont read this, i know that, but maybe someone will pass it on or something. Well Ryann, im sorry. I know im horrible, im not trying to fuck up you and Raye, im really not. Its all unintentional. I really want you to like me, i like you alot. If you think im intentionally trying to mess you guys up, im not. I didnt know id screw everything up so much. Im kinda scared you may have the wrong impression of me. Guys, ill write more lata.... i gotta go to shop... :P link post comment

...............To much to hold back................ [Apr. 6th, 2004|11:01 am] [ mood | loved ] [ music | {Rancid} ] She trys.... I just need to be a little more patiant.... I need to let someone know, but theres no one. So i turn to my trusty Live Journal...... it never critisizes..... It's nothing bad, people just dont believe in anything true... Im in love with Raye. I dont care about the critisism anymore. Ill admit, it used to bother me. What i mean by critisism is my belief in being in love. Im tired of hearing im too young. Im tired of hearing we havent been "going out" long enough. I know how i feel, so does she; and frankly, Im sick of being told otherwise... I know what i want and i can have my own intentions... Whatever... Im in love, that is all that counts. And how could i not be? Shes perfect....(*lame sigh*)..... She is beautiful and sweet and everything i could ever ask for and i never had to ask. Theres a present for her. Its a drawing. She said she'd lke it, but i dont know. She might not(probably wont) understand the symbolism behind it. Its this pretty girl(im trying my hardest for it to look like her) and she's very pure looking, except for the fact that her boobs are completely hanging out. Plus, she has cat ears and a tail..... There is symbolism to it, though: I feel that animals have alot of meaning/symbolism/artistic symbolism. For example, an eagle could symbolize "liberty" or "pride"; a lion, "bravery" or "courage". A cat, in my opinion, has a sexual sybolism; it adds sexuality, lechery, but purity at the same time(you have to understand my opinions on sex and emotion to understand that...) So the girl has the partial nudity plus the minor cat features, but is pure and beautiful at the same time. I dunno.... I see the sybolism.... "....She's been in love; but now... happy in love...." ----------------------------------------- Hey folks! Lets keep our legs closed, K?! ----------------------------------------- link 2 comments|post comment

:::oh poo::: [Apr. 1st, 2004|07:41 am] [ mood | lethargic ] this sux. for once, i have nothing to complain about. that is soooo silly..... i guess thats good, but i wont get to type much. poo. well yesterday, me, Shea-Butter, and Raye went to BAGLY. *excitment* o yeah.... Shea got hit on by all the lesbians! it was great. she got bite, so she might catch it..... heh..... my grandmother is yet again, being a psycho bitch. biatch. bizznatch. heh.... she sux at life anyway so it doesnt make a difference. ok, im just gunna stop, i have nothing to write and that makes me sad. but Raye makes me not sad! so there. Dammit i tried not to mention Raye at all cuz she never mentions me... didnt work... I Love You, Pinecone!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- RANCID "The Way I Feel" Pick me back up just to throw me back down apologies too late when you're up against the wall compassion heals while duplicity kills you say I'm different the only thing different is the way I feel about you Na na na na na na na na na na You moved up the ladder at a very rapid speed we moved methodically and calmly when you got to the top you see enemies if I knew back then what I know now it would all turn out like this I'd sit back and I'd watch you squirm cause you say I'm different the only thing different is the way i feel about you..... link post comment

:::nothing much::: [Mar. 31st, 2004|07:42 am] [ mood | angry ] not alot is goin on on this silly day besides me wanting to pull out my hair. my grandmother and mother are driving me out of my mind. they cannot give me any fucking privacy. shit. i cant even type all the shit that they did. just the fact that it started by me coming home to EVERYTHING from my room on my porch. fucking people. im about to murder. besides that everything is peachy....... i must do something about calling Raye's house late last night, i gotta apoligize to her mom, i feel bad that im such a pain in the ass......... i love you, Pinecone!!! link 1 comment|post comment

:::nothing in particular::: [Mar. 26th, 2004|10:46 am] [ mood | horny ] yeah. wow, i have no life lately. i have somethings to rant about, though. i dont care who is going to yell(some one always does).... First.....i dont mean to be concieted/cocky, but seriously.... Shea calls me everynight(I REALLY REALLY DONT MIND, i like that she calls) to rant,cry, etc....... and everynight, im always available if she needs me and i never hang up from"being tired" of her whining(cuz im not). so on her live journal, all she writes is that shell miss rob so much, she wont do anything except mope around on April vacation, his life is so bad, her mom is nuts. nothing about maybe hanging out with me on vacation, nothing about me being there ALWAYS, nothing about"i feel bad for jess". cuz ya know my life is just peachy. i have a grandmother who i am FORCED to live with who drives me crazy with her excistance, i have "friends" who could care less if im alive or not, or the fact that in the past month i have 3 siezures and 6, maybe 7 flash backs(Shea knows what i mean by "flashbacks"). i know shes having a shitty life right now, i do feel really bad. i know her mom is nuts and wants to kill her and what not. i know all of that. and i know she can only see Rob on the weekends. but seriously, i have asked her to hang out like 6 times now, she alwasys cancels or is with rob. Shea-sweetie, i exist. im not trying to be a bitch, IM REALLY NOT, but you just make me feel really crappy sometimes. cuz i dont know if you have noticed, but out of your friends(mostly aquantinces) ive never left, afetr anything. i left you alone for 2 months, probably completely fucking up our friendship, so rob could have you all to himself with out my inturuption. but im still here! im still always here when you need me, no matter what! who else does that!? im really not being cocky, just sometimes you make me feel like crap.... sorry... im going to kill my grandmother in her sleep one of these days......bitch.... on a lighter note, i think me and Raye are ok now. there was a whole situation with an email i got, plus me being a bitch constantly, pretty much me fucking up everything. but i think its ok now; i hope it is. she was all afectionate the ot