[Filter: Private]

I'm not going back there. Why the hell does he think that would "cheer me up?" Corrina and I did that together, that whole service. We wanted to breathe hope and life back into that little chapel. We ... those were ... Dragons, we were so ...

Going back there and standing in the middle of all those memories, how is that going to do anything but make it worse?

It's Festival, tomorrow, and she's dead. She's -- dragondammit, she's gone. And I'm even starting to get used to it, going through most days not thinking ...

... she always ... she used to smile so ...

This was your time of year, Corrina. No one knew the spirit of the holiday like you did. How the fuck am I supposed to smile and celebrate without you?

[Filter: Private]

I guess I really am not a kid anymore.

... it's time I stopped relying on other people.




I know ... I know this all isn't what you would have wanted, Corrina, but it's ... it's just how it has to be. I know you ... you loved me for who I was, then, but I just can't be him, anymore. I'm not him. Try to understand that. ... I kind of miss him myself, sometimes, but ...

Well, he's as dead as you are. Maybe he even died at the exact same time.

Dragons, that sounds ... fucking melodramatic.

[Filter: Public]

Does anyone here know how to use a mace? Or maybe a quarterstaff.

I don't know, if neither of those, a sword would be fine, for now.

[Filter: Private]

I really was overreacting, wasn't I?

Whatever.

[Filter: Druce]

... I still feel weird writing in public. Not so much replying to things other people say, as I sort of demonstrated by jumping on Celeste and Isobel yesterday, but more just saying things for real. I was going to talk about how I need a haircut, but then I thought, you know, why bother, it'll be too weird.

I'm not sure what to do about that.

Except just ask Fayre for a haircut, obviously.

[Filter: Fayre]

Huh, I could probably use another haircut. The last one you gave me was more than a year ago, and ... maybe I'll be less of a spaz about it, this time.

[Filter: Private]

We had our own party.

I made a separate party just for her, and heh ... the best of both worlds, everyone came ... I think she really had fun that night. She was ... smiling and laughing and had marshmellow guts all over her fingers and

Yeah. It was a good night. It was ...

[Filter: Private]

When I talk to Rae, I feel just ... the same. Just the same old Father Terrance. I don't really know what to think about that. I'm not the same. Nothing's the same, but for a few seconds, it's sort of nice to forget that.

... really should learn to defend myself. No matter how well I've covered my tracks, I'm more exposed than I ever have been before, and I can probably put money on the next person I need to kill not being drugged.

Shit, it's so hot and dry. You think I'd be used to it by now.

[Filter: Private]

Day of Everlasting Light. Right.

Day of Everlasting Bullshit, more like. Day of Everlasting manipulation. Day of Everlasting Lies. Day of Everlasting ... whatever.

[Filter: Private]

Well, what can I really ask for?

At least most of them aren't outright hostile. At least I'm here. And I can't really complain, can't I? I know that I've treated people strangely because things they did made me uncomfortable, and I guess if I can do it for gambling or having a couple drinks, they're justified for brutal murder.

And ... I'm different, now. That's weird, too. I know it is. It's not like I can go back ... it's not like I can change anything, but ...

Well, yeah.


... four months. How the hell has it been four months? Somedays, it's years ago. ... somedays, it's yesterday.

Corrina ...

[Filter: Pu

Nah, give them all a little longer to get used to it. Demi, especially. I was so mad, at first, but now it's just ... I wish it didn't all have to end that way. It did, but ...

[Filter: Rae]

Hey, Rae. Hot out here, isn't it?

[Filter: Lord Lawrence]

I can't I don't It isn't

...

Yeah, hey.

[Filter: Private]

Wow, now that's a great start.

[Filter: Private]

I feel as if I should be making an announcement. Hey, everyone, remember me? I'm not dead and I'm tired of hiding behind filters, so I'm back! But that's sort of beyond silly, isn't it? Anyone who really has any interest in having anything to do with me anymore has said something already. I'm not fifteen anymore, I don't need to draw attention to myself just for the sake of it.

I guess Lawrence is back in the city. Fayre hasn't been around, and what's been said on the journals more than implies it, though he hasn't written anything, himself. He rarely does, though. They'll probably be here until the anniversary, again, at least, if they're smart, so ...

Heh, so that's as good an excuse as any to just keep putting it off, isn't it?

Maire's wedding should be really soon, now that I think of it. I think they said May, and it's ... definitely May. May's almost over.

Three months. Dragons, how does it feel like so long? I ... I don't think I really remember her face, anymore. Just a blur. Her hair, and ... I guess I can put a picture together, but it barely seems real and I don't think I have it all right.

I wonder if Lady Arsele did any sketches of her, other than that one from the distance ... but I guess there's no way for me to find out. I just ...

It really feels all like an lifetime ago. I guess it was, in a way.

Soon. I'll ask soon.

[Filter: Private]

It's ... really not going to be easy to talk to him. Chiel was technically under his protection, after all. Everything Fayre says is true, and I know I have to. This is really everything I have, the possibility of going with them. Without that ... heh, I'm really sort of nothing, aren't I?

I just need to figure out what exactly I'm going to say and how exactly I'm going to say it. I'll feel better about this when I think I know how it's going to go, or I can pretend I do, or ... eh, something.

... almost three months ... how is it that it can feel like forever? I can go back and live in the second I heard and have everything be so dragonsdamned vivid, but everything since feels like so long ago. Today almost feels like a long time ago.

Demi probably has everyone who didn't already hate me up there hating me even more, but ... well, whatever, you know, I did my best there. I was an ass with Maire and with Lillian, but this wasn't my fault.

How the hell am I going to say this ...?

[Filter: Druce]

... sorry Kim and I are a little tight around each other sometimes. That might be uncomfortable for you, I don't know. It probably wouldn't be as bad if we weren't around each other ... you know, constantly around each other.

It's not that I dislike her, I just ... heh, I don't know, this sounds both more and less like an apology than it actually is, if that makes sense.

[the page is quite damp]

[Filter: Private]

It's ... been a little more than two months, now. I keep thinking it's important to remember how long it's been, remember how it felt, ... remember, at all, I guess. Just about two months exactly since I killed Chiel. I don't want to remember that one as clearly, but I can't really help it. Maybe I should, though. What I did, exactly how it happens, maybe that's something someone should remember just as clearly. She sure can't.

... I feel

I'm different, aren't I? Well, fine. It doesn't matter. Corrina's gone, all my dreams are gone, everything I've ever believed is pretty much bullshit, I pretty much can't ever go home, I'm pretty sure I'm not a priest anymore ... and that's really all I was, wasn't it?

Maybe this is who I'm supposed to be, and it was just naivete holding me back.

It would be great if it could stop raining. This job on the roof is seriously barely holding. I'm so tired of being wet all the time!

[Filter: Fayre]

Hey, happy birthday. I'd come up and celebrate with you, but, you know, I'd be killed on sight.

I see your prince deigned to write.

[Filter: Private]

[the page is damp]

I really need to do this. I don't ... I don't know what sort of person I'm becoming, and that doesn't bother me, really, because ... well, it just doesn't, but I don't want this to be part of it, and ...

Well, yeah. It almost feels like I'm betraying Corrina to

... I sound like I'm trying to convince someone. Need to stop talking to myself like this. Maybe being alone so much is starting to get to me, I don't know. I hope Fayre or Druce come by today, I think ...

Right, again with the talking to myself.

Note to self, if they do, get some help fixing this roof. Ugh.

[Filter: Demi]

Hey. I think we need to talk.

[Filter: Private]

You

You really would have loved her, Mom.

[Filter: Maire]

What do they want to know?

[Filter: Private]

[the page is damp and covered with inky fingerprints]

... she really did care about me. Heh, she did, didn't she? She ...

I shouldn't be reading all of this, but I don't care, I don't. I'd rather know, and I should know anything in here that can help me protect her memory, and help me ... I should know all of this, so I don't care whether I should read it or not. She'd want me to ... I think she would ...

... I could have been with her at any time. I could have! She liked me, she did. She

She's gone.

Why is she gone?

And they've all just moved on, up there, haven't they? Now they have their business and heirs all dropping dead. Who knows if they even care that she's gone anymore. Why should they, it's all so unpleasant, it's easier to just forget ...

I won't forget. I won't ever forget. I'll read this journal every single night to make it hurt on purpose so that I won't forget, if I have to.




It's miserable out here. Cold and wet and hot and wet and I think most of my food is wet ...

I miss you, Corrina.

I miss you ... I miss you every day. It just doesn't get any better.

I'm so sorry.

[Filter: Private]

I ... guess I should be glad that I'm not dead, right? Heh, I could so easily be dead right now. Murderer, after all, they usually kill those ... They could have even ... you know, taken hands off, or kept me in jail for twenty years, or any of those things. I should really be glad.

I should be glad they gave me food, and water, and this little tent ... and made it all happen quiet, so no one ... no one like me got mad they were letting a murderer out and did anything. I just stay here, outside of the city, and ... wait, I guess. For something ... something.

And I should be glad they let me go and get my things out of my room, and I had a second to get my journal ... and Corrina's, too ... Corrina's, especially.

There are so much worse things that could be happening to me right now, seriously, so yeah, whatever, I guess I'm lucky, huh?

[Fil

Yeah, right, and what do I say? Dear Demi, I don't think this is going to work out, mostly because I beat somebody to a pulp and I'm a felon and I'm not even a little bit sorry about it, and also, I think I was in love with Corrina and you just can't compare to that so

Dammit

Dammit, Corrina, why?

Chiel's dead, I killed her, and it's not any easier, is it? You're still ... gone. You're still gone, forever, and Dra fuck, who even knows if you're in heaven? Is there even a heaven? Maybe it's ... it's all fucking joke, just like everything else.

I probably shouldn't write anything in public, should I? Still close enough that could come here and beat the journal out of me, and ...

And I'm not dying. As long as I'm alive, a little bit of her is alive, and from here on, I don't care what I have to do to stay alive, I'll do it.

[Filter: Private]

I

I will do something.

[Filter: Private]

I can't

Nothing makes sense. Nothing makes sense. How could this happen? I keep ... I keep opening my eyes and expecting it to have been some sort of fucking dream an awful nightmare but then it's still real

How could this be real?

Why would you have chosen her at all? What is wrong with you all, you should have known she was useless with this sort of thing, that she'd never hurt a fly, that she was doomed to to ugh. You're omniscient aren't you? Isn't that what I've always been taught, that you can somehow

You should have known. You had to have known, I could have told you that. And you ... you chose her anyways for for what

How could this be real ... she was just there and everything was ... Corrina dammit why can't you just come back how can you be gone? How ... you were just here you were

why didn't I go in the room with you. Why did I

I knew what was going on. I know what went on

I need to

I can't

I can't, I won't

I'm not going to just play that role, I can't, I won't and fuck it I want to so badly because that would just be something right

but that's what you want, isn't it

haha that's exactly what you want you sick



So what do I do where do I go? When you're gone ... you're gone, aren't you, you're just gone? How can someone die so fast. How can life just ... end.

Corrina ... Corrina, please ...



I have to

I have to do ... something

[Filter: Private]

I should have gone into her room. Dragonsdammit why didn't I go into her room? I knew what was going on I fucking knew what was going on and I just let her walk in there

I just

let her

I promised her that I'd take care of her and I promised her that I wouldn't let anything happen. I promised that everything could be okay. Fuck, I told her to keep it quiet that it was probably nothing that she should just smile and I let her go in there

I just let her

Damn you all how could you do this?!!?!? She had so much faith and she loved you and she was so good dammit dammit fuck she was so good how could you take her?! How could you

she died for you and you all know it and you just let her

I just let her

I could have saved her

It was my responsibility I promised would and

I hate you all

You hear that, I hate you all. You and I are through we're through. I've spent my whole life just just defending you all and fuck. I take back everything that I've said everything about faith and prayer and all of it how many fucking hours did I pray the last few days that you would keep her safe?!?!

How could you do this

She was perfect and you let her die like that

I let her die like that

How is this happening

she was just

Dammit damn you all damn you damn you

Why



this is my fault dammit this is my fault it's my fault I loved her and she's dead and it was my own damned fault

Why didn't I go in her room?

Why didn't I

[Filter: Private]

Maybe I should talk to

... we'll just deal with things as they come.