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Monday, August 6th, 2001
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7:19 pm - and in the end....
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i've given up this journal for the time being.
there's just too much going on, too much to be said, that can't be said here. i dunno. i just haven't been able to write here in a while. i have my ideas as to why, but they're not things important enough to bother anyone with.
well, they're not things i'd *like* to bother anyone with.
if you'd like to know if/when i start this back up, email me and tell me. otherwise, a bientot. :)
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| Tuesday, July 31st, 2001
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7:21 pm - this is a *good* time.
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this article just makes the entire day worthwhile. whoo-hoo, greenwich getting the shit beat out of them!!!!!
yeah. so, it's been a far worse day than i wanted it to be. but i've got cds, i'm at the lab, i'm doing fun stuff, so it's all good. even though i almost killed people earlier, and i didn't get done anything i wanted to, etc, etc, etc, it's a good time right now. right now being the operative words, of course. for now? everything's good. yay, music and kickass local news. :)
and emails from parents of friends are a *very* good time. especially when you've wanted to see said friend for a while, but haven't been able to make yourself be in the same place as her all summer long. yay. :)
also, from a glossary renee's working with:
Arrr! - pirate exclamation of contempt or frustration
the world's a crazy place. mwah.
current mood:  amused
current music: tori amos - leather
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| Monday, July 30th, 2001
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1:57 am - the entry that's been days in the making.
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ugh. there's just so much going on. i've started this entry *so* many times and just not been able to finish it, for one reason or another. mostly because almost everything that's happened that's worth talking about at *all* is emotional and mental rather than actual events. which, whereas i realize that that's the kind of thing this damn journal is for, are things that i really don't want the *entire* world knowing about. especially the pieces that made me feel confused, and lost, and unhappy. there've been more good things than bad, mind you, so don't anyone be getting the idea that everything's falling apart and *i'm* falling apart most of all. but the things that would actually be worth talking about are all things that i don't *want* to talk about. not here, not with everyone i know. the few people i want to talk to about them, you know who you are, and you probably already know about all of them already anyway. but everyone else, i'm sorry, but that's why this entry's been so long in coming.
if you want to know more, feel free to ask. i can almost guarantee that you won't get much from me in the way of details, but you won't hurt anything by asking.
everything's okay. there's optimism in the air (if not actually inside *us*....), we have another two weeks, and we're fixing ourselves *and* the situation as best we can. we're of course trying not to kill each other in the process (which is of course a more difficult task than you'd imagine), but the outlook is good.
current mood:  confused
current music: ani difranco - wish i may
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| Thursday, July 26th, 2001
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2:24 am - goodness.
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joss whedon studied musical film in college. that amuses me more than you could possibly imagine.
things still aren't perfect, but again, they're okay. today was a....slow day, i guess, even though quite a bit happened. tomorrow we're due to go to an open house, and we're also supposed to run to mcdonald's so my baby can apply for a job. and a lot happened within the dynamics of everyone's relationships today. i feel like that's too vague to give any idea as to what i mean, but not vague enough to not make you all really curious, and i feel bad, but there's no other way to describe everything that happened today without going into stuff that's take all night. not really, actually, but yeah. i dunno. i still kind of have nothing to say, here; i just wanted to say that little bit about joss whedon. now i'm done. <g>
mwah. hugs to all that deserve them. ;) love to everyone. nite.
current mood:  okay
current music: keys tap, tap, tapping away.
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| Wednesday, July 25th, 2001
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4:26 am - it's getting better all the time....
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i know it's been days. i also know that the last time i journalled, things weren't going so well.
well, things aren't going *that* much better now. but they are indeed looking up, which i'm sure you'd agree is a Good Thing. the fights haven't slowed down, nor has the depression completely lifted. but i'm doing my damndest to get myself off my ass and actually *excited* about something again, even if it's something silly like movies or dinner or anything, really. the apartment hunt is actually becoming hopeful, and things are just generally looking up. our financial situation is no better (and is actually looking worse by the day, lucky us), and we still haven't any clue what'll happen if things *don't* work out. but my optimism has almost settled itself back into the back of my brain. and that's a good thing.
i decided to start taking st. john's wort again. i know that the last time i was taking it it didn't seem to be doing much good, and i have no idea yet whether or not it's doing any good this time. (i mean, i've only been taking it for two days now, gimme a break.) i shut down my smith pages for the time being so as to not feel so completely slackerish regarding them. i'm slowly but surely trying to detach myself from the wasteland that was the moderate/severe depression i've suffered from the last week or so, and put myself back into the world of the living. i'm trying to get myself to read, and i'm also trying my damndest to get excited about at least one or two of my baby's pet projects. (of which he's, of course, got sixty, but whatever. <g>) it's hard, since there aren't many that i actually want anything to do with, but i'm trying. and the ones i *do* want to have something to do with i'm trying to get myself excited for. so yeah.
i dunno. if you'd talked to me five hours ago, you'd have found a not-so-terribly-perky chicky. now? things're looking up. and that makes everything okay.
current mood: hopeful
current music: meg toohey - four months
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| Saturday, July 21st, 2001
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12:01 am - nothing at all.
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it's awful. i've this incredibly strong urge to write, and yet i sit down here to do so and find myself with *absolutely* nothing to say.
i know it's been days since the last time i've done this. the problem is, nothing's changed. and i'm starting to feel as though this journal only does two things: lets me get away with not *telling* my baby to his face what i'm thinking about, and lets everyone else out there get away with feeling like they have a clue what's going on with me, even when they're not emailing or talking to me regularly. because it doesn't serve its primary purpose -- to give me a place in which i can get out all of those icky things that make me miserable -- anymore at all. all that writing about what's going on does is help me figure out slightly better *exactly* what's going on -- if i manage to do it at all. so i basically have a whole bunch of nothing, here, now. whoo-hoo.
i dunno. i feel like i have so much more to say, but i also just feel kinda empty. drained. and not able to figure out what it'll take to make me whole again. either i or someone else will figure it out eventually, but in the meantime i need to learn how to swim *through* this murkiness.
current mood:  lethargic
current music: tori amos - mainline cherry -- ambient spark
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| Tuesday, July 17th, 2001
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7:09 pm - come down.
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come down, come down my love come down
and i will watch you wash your troubles from your hat.
come down, come down my love come down
and i will offer up my solace for your hurt.
and if you ask me for the truth
i will tell you only this
that i have loved no other quite like this
nobody sees what passes
in between two figures
falling, falling hard in the darkness
no
come down, come down my love come down
and i will let you lay your head upon my breast.
come down, come down my love come down
and we will finally lay this burden down to rest.
and if you ask me for the truth
i will tell you only this
that i have loved no other quite like this
nobody sees what passes
in between two figures
falling, falling hard in the darkness
come down, come down my love come down
i belive this is the last time that we'll meet.
come down, come down my love come down
and i think it's best if neither of us speak.
because if i asked you for the truth
i wish you'd tell me only this
that you have loved no other quite like this
nobody sees what passes
in between two figures
falling falling hard in the darkness
falling
if i asked you for the truth
i wish you'd tell me only this
that you have loved no other
and will love no one like this
nobody sees what passes
in between two figures
falling, falling hard in the darkness
falling, falling hard in the darkness
falling, falling hard in the dark
beth amsel
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: beth amsel - come down
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| Monday, July 16th, 2001
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8:46 pm - internet goodness.
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there is little that makes me as happy in the world as being able to hear music i don't own, but that i want desperately to listen to. the internet is great, great goodness when it comes to that, and thank goodness for it. like right now. the second movement of rachmaninoff's second piano concerto? ahhhhhhh.
(yes, i'm a music geek. deal with it.)
for the few of you who are asking who i know read this (even when i don't necessarily want you to....) things are not necessarily going as well as we'd hoped. the apartment search becomes more and more disheartening by the day, and i've resorted to spending $110 on room and board here on campus for the week. i guess things could be worse -- we could have *literally* nowhere to sleep -- but it's definitely not the best of all possible scenarios. as the days go on, we have less and less money to spend on an apartment, and so things get more and more dire. i have no resources available to me to get money, and by coming up here in the first place we exhausted the one option any of the rest of us had, so we're basically screwed once we exhaust this $2000.
so, yeah. there's the state of things. trying not to be as horribly pessimistic as my brain is telling me to be, but still somehow managing to get more disheartened by the day. whoo-hoo, good times.
current mood:  complacent
current music: rachmaninoff - concerto no. 2, mvt. 2.
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12:44 am - sigh.
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it's amazing how well you can live even with nowhere really to sleep at night. i'm staying, thanks to the good graces of renee, on the living room floor of dawes house at the moment with my baby and talon. we have things to do most of the day, and amusing things to entertain us when we don't have things that *have* to be done. unfortunately for us, the timing of everything had us getting up here at the very beginning of a weekend....which meant we could get very little that we *had* to done this weekend. but we've spent the weekend amusing ourselves and trying to come up with things to do in this very small, limited town, and have done a pretty damn good job, if i say so myself. in fact, other than a minor squibble here and there, and the fact that everyone seems more depressed than they're willing to admit, everything's going rather well, considering we arrived here with no clue as to what we were doing, where we were going or how long we'd be able to make it without wanting to kill each other.
have i mentioned lately how much i miss my old life? the one where everything just made *sense*? because i do. as.....strangely content as i am with the way things are (the contentedness being strange because of the absolute lack of security in my life at the present time), i miss the days when the most complicated thing in my life was the massive depression keeping me from wanting to go down and talk to people at meals. (ooh.) i look back at my journals on my smith pages and it's absolutely astounding to me how whiny i was. how much i liked to turn the tiniest thing into this massive melodrama. now? i've got a reasonably massive melodrama on my hands, and i'm doing my damndest to downplay it for the sake of survival. i know i've been.....less than forthcoming lately with details of my life. but the reality of it is that there's just too much going on here right now to even *begin* to put into words on a screen. and the people who were, at one time, the most important things in my life, have sadly *all* fallen to the wayside. my linds and my jess have all but disappeared.....completely of my own doing. (i mean, shit: i've owed my jess an email for a good month now, i think. *sigh*)
and the worst part is, i don't know when my priorities changed. i don't want to "blame" it all on my baby, because i'm about 80% sure that it started long before he even entered my life. and i don't know *how* they changed, what happened to so drastically shift what i saw as important.
or maybe it's not that what i see is important has changed, but that i've actually started being *true* to it, rather than forcing myself to see it in places where it didn't exist.
this seems long, and tangential, and vaguer than usual. (but wait: my entries lately have *all* been vague anyway. oh, well. *sigh*) but this is the best i've got right now, at least for this particular thought process. try back in ten minutes and you'll have a completely different one, and probably will have missed nine others. but then, such is my life right now.
current mood:  sleepy
current music: adrianne - still wish
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| Friday, July 13th, 2001
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2:40 am - getting kicked out.....
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so. hey, all. i've been kicked out of greg's. me, my baby and talon (ie, baby <g>) are all going to northampton tomorrow to try our damndest to find jobs and a place to live. (which as of right now, we don't really have except for a night or two....anyone have any floor space? ;P)
so don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a day or two. on the other hand, don't be surprised if you hear from me tomorrow (especially those of you *in* noho right now.....hehehe). i'm writing this to let you know that i'm FINE, first of all, and second of all that this is what's going on. sigh and damn.
it's a long story. one i'll get around to telling you very soon. (unlike the story of the weekend jess came to visit....which i *will* get around to, i swear it!!!) but also one i need to gather together enough composure to write about without wanting to KILL a certain someone we all know and used to love.
(ie, gregory byron chiappelloni. who can be reached by phone at 917-691-7906. and who works at outdoor traders at the top of greenwich avenue. and whose email addresses include skittlesboi79@hotmail.com and wild_escape@hotmail.com. just in case anyone wants to go ahead and kick some ass. make sure and draw some blood for me, talon and my baby, eh??)
see, now? would any of the above paragraph have been typed by someone who is calm enough to think rationally about a situation? i don't *think* so. :)
mwah, hugs and the lot. i'm fine. i'm FINE, goddamn you!!! so believe me when i say it. because it is the god's honest truth.
nite.
current mood: calm
current music: the sound of my mom snoring and the tv downstairs
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| Monday, July 9th, 2001
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6:49 pm - i don't care very much either way
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my being aches.
this weekend wasn't half as bad as i expected it, nor was it half as good as i'd hoped. oddly enough, my queerness hardly proved to be an issue at all. what *did* prove to be an issue was my patience. as in, i have none left for adults anymore. i've all the patience in the world for kids (though god knows we tested that this weekend....) but not an ounce of patience left for the grownups with whom i spend the majority of my time.
i don't know. i'm just so tired. i feel *so* tired. and not physically so, i know that. this is one of the first non-physical exhaustions i've suffered from in quite a while. the problem is is that this is a *serious* one. i can't fight it, and i can't hide it.
i don't know what to do. i don't remember what i did any other time this has happened, and i don't know what to do now. talking is not helping, because i can't talk. there's just....too much. there's too much right now.
i dunno. whatever. i'll figure it out, won't i.
current mood: lethargic
current music: friends
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| Wednesday, July 4th, 2001
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11:12 pm - the public entry about today.
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(which, if you have a half a brain, will make those of you who are on my friends list curious as to whether or not there's something else here to be enjoyed.)
i've reconciled with the paternal side of my family, essentially. i'm now fighting with the maternal side. go figure.
today was nice. i spent the beginning of it with my baby and greg and baby, and the end of it with the *entire* paternal side of my family (ie, extended family besides). it's so weird, splitting a day between those two particular groups of people.....it's like being two *entirely* different chicky's. actually, it *is* being two entirely different chicky's. it is for mostly that exact reason that i really, *really* desperately need for everything to work out regarding the apartment in northampton.
and it is for mostly that exact reason that i know that things *won't* work out regarding the apartment. me and my baby talked on the way home from the diner last night about how things look to be shaping up regarding the apartment, and it just doesn't look good. at least, not for the very beginning of the semester. and that sucks, and it makes me sad. and it worries the hell out of me. and it makes me seriously consider taking this semester off, because i know myself, and i know that if i'm as unhappy as i worry i'll be not being on my own come the start of the semester, i'll have an even harder time doing a decent job at school than i did last semester. i know myself.
and that's the problem, is that i actually *know* myself. (finally.) i know what i like and dislike, i know how i act around people, and i know that the next four days will likely be pretty damn miserable. because i *won't* be myself for the next four days.
sigh. whoo-hoo.
current mood: optimistic
current music: nelly furtado - my love grows deeper part one
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| Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001
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11:51 am - today's advice from the stars....
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my horoscope for today:
LIBRA:
>>Tuesday, July 3
Those who are disagreeable because they're stressed out need to take a deep breath to contain their aggressions. Try to be gracious and patient with challenged communicators. Someone who is over-extended needs help without harsh words. Now is the time to promote love and peace with all your heart and soul. Champion gratitude to set the mood for tomorrow's holiday.
oh, gods above, if you only knew how fitting that was......
current mood:  cranky
current music: the city below and my own typing
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3:18 am - the important interjections.
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okay. so i've already sung far and wide the praises of the new rufus wainwright album. and the new york times agrees with me. (see sunday's arts and leisure if you don't believe me. until next sunday, i think, it's here.) the only problem with it, as far as i can see, is that compared to his debut, it's terribly overproduced. which of course, makes sense, considering that it was "engineered, recorded and mixed by pierre marchand". which may mean little to most of you, but to those of us who care about the music we're listening to, that name is terribly overfamiliar as the name of the guy who produces most sarah mclachlan albums these days. which basically means overproduction at its most....lofty, let's say. so yeah. too slick. a lot of these songs'd be just that much *better* had they been more simple and....thinner.
that's the most important interjection i have to share with you fine folk this fine evening. the next most important is that i saw AI tonight, and your homework assignment for this fine holiday week is to do the same. if you don't find it to be the most beautiful, most depressing piece of filmmaking EVER, then you just have no heart and no brain, and you need to go beg the wizard for one of each. seriously. it's *so* depressingly cynical in its view of humanity and the not-so-terribly-distant future that it's beautiful. and depressing. and haunting in a way that no other film has ever been. not for me, anyway.
and then we have the fact that i'm missing the chance to see renee this week, simply because i'm a *moron* who didn't wake up early enough to call her thursday. :(
and then we have the fact that i need desperately for drive me crazy to STOP being the only movie i ever manage to catch on tv.
and oh, btw, this weird feeling of loneliness just completely overcame me this morning (okay, afternoon) when i woke up. it was particularly weird because it wasn't so much loneliness, as it was more.....unlovedness. which was even weirder, because i was lying there in bed next to my baby, which is not a privilege i get to enjoy very often. but it was more like, a desperate need to be held. and i wasn't held. and i didn't get held all day, until i finally just like, begged my baby and greg to lie down and hold me for a few minutes. but worst of all, it didn't help. i think my baby's longing for a significant other is contagious, lately. i wouldn't be surprised, really, considering. i mean, fuck: i *AM* the only 20 year old virgin i know these days. (wait: i lie. i am, however, one of the very, very *few* 20 year old virgins i know these days. and of course we're a dwindling breed.) *and* there've been so many cute kids around lately.....it's like everywhere i turn there's another adorable child to make me long for one of my own. and then there's the article i read in bust about trying to conceive when you don't have a significant other by the time you're like, thirty, thirty-five, etc.....it's just been a bad, bad time lately for my maternal instincts. combine that with my general longing (faint as it *usually* is) for a girlfriend, and you just have me having a bad time of it of late.
oh, yeah. and then there're the two matt sightings this fine weekend. for which i was completely and totally unprepared, and by which i was completely and utterly floored and devastated. it's.....right now, folk, there are just no words. i know that's hard to believe, and i know that's not good enough, but i promise that as soon as i find them, i'll share them with you. which will be soon. i promise.
but, that was the least important of the interjections, so ignore at will. ;)
i'm done now. this has been a long few hours of internet catching up and realizations that i'm *completely* out of touch with any of my friends who aren't within the four walls i'm currently staring at. (ie, anyone who's not greg, baby or my baby. <g>) do any of you have any idea how much i miss you all? and yet, at the same time, how *completely* daunted i am by the prospect of trying to explain to you the surrealism of my existence right now? of course you wouldn't, since you're not here to experience it. trust me: it's surreal. ask my jess, who was unfortunate enough to spend a weekend in my world a few weekends ago. (a weekend which i swear to GOD i will eventually get around to summarizing for you all. <g>) i....i just can't explain anything right now. nothing makes a molecule of sense, other than some of the realizations i've had of late concerning my baby. which is making me cling to him desperately, and is *also* making me very much terribly (and unfairly) impatient with him at moments.
god, i miss the times in my life when everything made sense. when things just worked, even if i didn't understand why or how. oh, well.
current mood: thoughtful
current music: alternating rufus and ani.
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| Saturday, June 30th, 2001
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6:49 am - what you want you don't know
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sigh. so much for sporadic updating.
it's almost 7 am and i haven't slept yet. the four musketeers (me, greg, baby and my baby) went on an excursion to the palisades mall yesterday. i'm still not quite sure why, since we had next to no money between the four of us, but go we did. we returned to connecticut to "find" my baby crying, greg throwing a fucking hissy fit to end all hissy fits, and me becoming *so* angry at him that he nearly died. he did, so help me god. had he *not* been driving the car at the time that he said the things he said that *got* me so angry, he would currently be dead. i stormed off, my baby followed me, and we headed to the train station just to find that there isn't a train that leaves stamford and stops in port chester after 11 pm. so we went to the diner to sit and wait for the first train of the morning (which happens at 6 am). and sit we did, until about 4 am, when we decided it was time to head back to the train station. which we then did. and i got on the train, and arrived here, and walked home. all in all, i've walked at least a good 7 miles in the last eight hours or so. in my birkenstocks, no less. believe me: my feet are *killing* me. as is most of the rest of my body.
as is my brain. and thus i'll go now. shower and sleep, shower and sleep......mwah.
current mood: tired
current music: aimee mann - i'm with stupid now
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| Friday, June 29th, 2001
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2:21 am - a bit of a catch up.
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since i was reminded today that i haven't journalled in a week, i figured it was time to let all three of you who bother to read this regularly who *aren't* the center of my universe in on what's been going on. :)
job: still none. not for lack of trying, either; i've interviewed at starbucks and applied at people's bank, greenwich music and at least five places in the mall.
family: me and mom aren't getting along as well. me and dad are....reconciling. he's *insistent* that he didn't kick me out....whatever. in my mind, it's a semantic issue -- and not one he's likely to win anytime soon.
baby: my baby and i are....struggling. not with the relationship itself, but with what i've taken to calling our "uselessness". we've got this goal, and we *both* want nothing more than to get out. we both feel exceedingly trapped by our lives right now. but we're still not employed (he had a job, but he got fired last week because he got sick and had to go home early), and we've now only about two months left before we would be moving in at northampton. not to mention that the both of us are just dealing with general malaise.....and you have an altogether good time lately. i dunno. things are really okay -- we're getting along as well as ever, generally -- but neither one of us is terribly happy right now. oh, well.
miscellaneous: i'm not near the computer much -- at least not this past week -- so don't be surprised if updates become as infrequent as they have been the last week. i also may or may not end up going to vermont next week for our "family reunion" (ie, my aunt and uncle and cousins show up from nebraska and we go to vermont to see them), so there's even more of a reason to not be surprised at a disappearance. and that's it. i'm tired, it's now an hour later than i wanted it to be, and i'm going to bed. mwah, goodnight.
current mood:  moody
current music: some commercial for some bad dance compilation. *sigh*
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| Thursday, June 21st, 2001
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1:00 am - home, sweet......something.
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i'm here, at mom's, and it all seems so final.
my dad basically kicked me out today. while he never actually *said* to get the fuck out, he did say that if i left, he'd take everything in my room to the dump. i take that as him kicking me out. maybe that's my sheltered existence talking, since i guess that *technically* i DID have the choice. but i'll be damned if i'm going to be kept in the house by threats and screaming.
i understand that i'd have to leave home eventually. and i understand that plenty of people have gotten kicked out of their homes. but i never, EVER thought that my relationship with my dad would get to this point. the point where i simply *had* to get away from him. my dad had always been the *one* person i could rely on in my life, no matter what. and now he's just gone. i can't look at it any other way. he's gone.
i don't think anyone realizes the severity of all of this for me. i know my mom doesn't, and i don't think my friends really do either. how could they? i never talk to any of them about this shit. the beauty that used to be my relationship with my dad wasn't anything i ever bothered with, and the decline of the relationship just didn't seem worth bothering anyone else with. mostly because we've *had* periods like this before. this has happened before. but never before has it descended into this so quickly, and never before have we just stopped understanding each other altogether.
i dunno. whatever. there's really not much more to say about this right now. plus, it's late and i'm tired and i need to get up early tomorrow so i can go spend my baby's day off with him. :) so mwah.
current mood:  numb
current music: mom's watching oprah. ugh.
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| Tuesday, June 19th, 2001
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1:40 pm - i give up.
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i think i've officially given up on trying to get along with my dad and brother. it's just too much. this weekend my brother decided that i was not a resident of our house, and that i had taken advantage of him for as long as he could remember, and therefore he was going to make my life an absolute living hell in front of my jess and whoever else happened to be nearby at that second. it hurt me more than anyone on earth could possibly know, especially since it was far from true.
(and ESPECIALLY since i'd been *so* incredibly good to him last summer. driving him to julia's on a semi-daily basis, getting his curfew extended on various nights so we could do shit he NEVER would've been able to do otherwise, etc.)
so that's it. as far as i'm concerned, i'm done. i wish that they had decided to become COMPLETE pricks two weeks ago, since if they had i would've made an effort to try and get a job here in greenwich then. that's right, folks; it looks like in my desperation to get the fuck away from dad and drew, i'm running....straight to mom.
what parallel dimension have i entered? where i get along better with mom than i do with dad? because at least, for all of mom's insanities and impossibilities, she's reasonably predictable. i *know* not to expect much of her, so she keeps surprising me when i actually get quite a bit from her. it's incredible, i know. but true.
so i'm off to shower and go pay $2.50 to take a train three or so miles away, so that i can go apply for jobs on the avenue just in case greg doesn't manage to get me the job at outdoor traders he's pretty sure he can get me. so that i can come move in with mom and get the FUCK out from under dad's roof once and for all.
it makes me sadder than sad that this is all working out this way. i can't begin to tell you. i love my dad with all of my heart, and i have for years. but i'm also well aware of how completely impossible he can be, and has been for years. so i guess that's that.
(i'll journal about the weekend with jess when i get a chance later. for now, i've gotta get going.)
current mood:  sad
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| Thursday, June 14th, 2001
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1:47 pm - i want to journal, but can't.
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(or, my nonjournalling journalling.)
there is so very much to say. very little of it is to anyone in particular, except for the few things that are very distinctly directed towards my baby.
last night was a good night, if you forget all of the fighting with my dad and the devastating news that my baby dropped in my lap.
i didn't get home until about 3 am, and then didn't get to sleep until about 4. (and even that was forcing myself to go to bed.) and then i proceeded to sleep *very* fitfully until about 11, when i finally gave up. and i've been sitting here since, trying to understand everything and nothing at all.
i need to find a place where i can be constantly distracted from my own thoughts. because when i'm alone with myself, these days, everything goes to hell. when i'm in this house, be it alone or otherwise, everything goes even further to hell. i'm reminded of one of my very first journallings in my smith pages. i come home and become someone i dislike.
(actually, now looking *back* at the journallings that make up the beginnings of my smith pages, i'm reminded just how completely cyclical my entire life has been. which is even better.)
this is a much longer nonjournalling journalling than i expected to get out right now. oh, well. whatever. i need to go eat something before i pass out now. god, i'm tired. god, i need to talk to someone. whatever. i'll figure it out.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: rufus wainwright - complainte de la butte
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| Wednesday, June 13th, 2001
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3:02 pm - my love grows deeper every day but takes a little piece of me
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so....last night we learned just *how* catastrophic it can be when me and my baby hit a depressive period at exactly the same moment.
of course, three-quarters of the problem wasn't so much that we were both depressed at the same time. (hell, we've been there before.) it was that neither of us could do any better than sit on the other end of the phone and listen to each other be depressed. last night was one of those lovely nights where what you want to do more than *anything* is just drop the phone, run out the door and get into the car and get to the person you care about and just hold them.
(um, i'm not the only one on earth who has moments like that.....am i? i've always really, really wondered about that. if that's just another way that i'm way too codependent and obsessive in my friendships. i'm just asking.)
yesterday was a very weird day, when everything was said and done. me and my dad.....i can't help but feel most days these days that whatever good relationship the two of us had has long ago dissipated into the two of us sitting on opposite sides of the fucking berlin wall or some shit, calling over to each other and every so often trying to scale the wall, but mostly just to look over it, because we know full well that we'll just fall back down before we can actually get over to the other side. and i don't know how it happened, and i don't know why we can't get over it, but it really hurts. and then i talked to em online and we had this weird discussion of matt. i told her *everything* that had happened surrounding our "breakup", and i found out some things that i probably would've been better off not knowing. and then i discovered that i'm a more cruel person than i ever thought i was. that doesn't mean i'm a cruel person, it just means i'm more cruel than i thought i was. and then i went to dinner with my brother, and *he* asked me why me and matt broke up......and it was just a big matt day, yesterday. i dunno. see....some of what em told me made me consider calling him. which is bad, because i really don't want to be his friend anymore. i couldn't trust him anymore. right? i *shouldn't* trust him anymore, anyway.
(godDAMN my faith in humanity!!!)
anyway. so that was the day, for the most part. then i went for a walk and called my baby on the cell phone, and he seemed fine at the beginning of the conversation, and then maybe a half hour in he just gave up trying to seem fine anymore. and it was so awful, because i really just wanted to take him, shove his ass on the ground and hold him until he cried. but of course, i couldn't do that. and it sucked, so much.
so, yeah. yesterday we discovered how bad it can be for us both to be depressed at the same time. especially when neither of our depressions are actually really because of outside influences. (i mean, sure, what was going on around me was depressing the fuck out of me, but i was just there already emotionally anyway, you know?) sigh.
current mood: distracted/depressed/content
current music: nelly furtado - my love grows deeper part one
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minne's journal