Cabinet of Curiosities

I have to share this one. Any identifying details are omitted to protect the innocent disgruntled.

Pissy Ebay Seller: "I was selling Frontline and Advantage products on Ebay, but they got pulled! How come?"

Me: "There could be several reasons. Were they registered in the US?"

PES: "Well, no. I buy them from Great Britain. They're just like the US products, just not registered! How come they're telling me they're "counterfeit"?"

Me: "Because they are. All pesticides have to be registered with the EPA before they can be sold in the US."

PES: "That's not fair! I can't make as much profit if I have to register them!"

Me: "That's the law."

PES: "So what you've created here is socialism!"

Me: "?"

PES: "These products are sold in GB, are you saying they're not good enough to sell in the US?"

Me: "I'm saying it's the law, and that it's set up to protect consumers from being sold chemicals that don't meet US standards. In the past, children have been hurt by counterfeit pesticides."

PES: "But MY products are ok, I promise!"

Me: "Um, here's the number for EPA's registration office. Take it up with them."

I don't mind ignorant pet owners. Ignorant I can deal with. I've been an ignorant pet owner myself. Ignorant means you don't know something and often that you don't even know that you don't know something. Unlike stupidity, it's a curable condition. A smart ignorant person knows to listen to advice from someone more knowledgeable.

Here's an example, wildly, just off the top of my head… your dog eats a pesticide you just put down in your yard. You saw the "keep dogs away from area" on the label, and let your dog out there anyway. A few hours later, the dog is vomiting and shaking, and you think "huh, I wonder why" and, on the off chance it might be related, you call the number on the pesticide label and get me. I tell you, um, wow, your dog could totally DIE in the next hour, you need to take him to the vet right away. If your response is, "oh, I guess I'll grab a shower and make an appointment" I'm going to be very, very pissed.

It's easy to tell the difference between the ignorant pet owner and the stupid one. In this situation, the response of someone who's simply ignorant is to become immediately concerned and say they'll take their pet in right away.

You just called THE EXPERT. I told you to go the vet right away. That means now, as in emergency treatment, not after your shower, not at an appointed time. Now. There is no stronger language I can use than "death" or "fatal", the only explanation for your cavalier attitude is that you're a careless and stupid pet owner and shouldn't have responsibility for anything with a brain stem.

I once had a lady call in the middle of a hair dressing appointment. She'd left her little dog at home with muscle tremors and severe diarrhea and gee, it's been bothering her, so she'd thought she'd call while she was under the drier. Just to, you know, make sure it wasn't serious. I tell her it IS serious, and the dog needs to go to the vet asap (if your pet is that sick, this should be a no-brainer, whether the cause was a pesticide or not). Her response? "I can't go now, my hair isn't dry!"

WTF, people? If this was her son or daughter, child services would be all up in her ass in a heartbeat. Neighbors would intervene, police would take action, newspapers would report about it. But no, it's just a dog. A dog who probably died a horrible, but quiet death alone in the house, the replacement puppy purchased before the dirt on the backyard grave had completely settled.

I've lost count of how many times I've finished a call and said "well, that dog's going to die. Stupid owner strikes again."

 And it kills me that I can't call them out on it over the phone. That would be an excellent thing to do if I wanted to get fired. Grr, I say.