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? [25 Jun 2008|06:18am]
[ mood | depressed ]

i feel like i'm ruining my life & my future.  i can't work, i can't think, & all i want to do is read old entries from various journals. 
Once, i used to write & once i used to produce.  Now i am old & pathetic & worthless.  Sometime i might expand upon why, but suffice it to say that it involves an inability to find motivation coupled with a fundamental knowledge of how much i really don't know.  really.

i never expected to live this long, & although i am content with some parts of my life, what i used to be is a sickening weight upon my back.  i'm humiliated by the promise i once possessed.  And i have no one to blame but myself for letting it decay into nothingness.  But then, i've always had a will to destruction.

All i can hope is that our move to the UK, the change of scenery, will help.  This town is like the anti-Muse.  i'm convinced that's part of it. 

11 comments|post comment

ὑλακόμωρος - "delighting in the bark" [01 Apr 2008|04:28am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

i think i passed my Ph.D. exam in Latin translation.

i also wrote a very short exploratory paper on the significance of dogs barking (or not-barking!) in Homeric epic.

The best Homeric lexica define ὑλακόμωρος as "enjoying barking" or "famed for barking," but i define it gloriously as "delighting in the bark."

barking - again, no plagiarizing or publishing this )

4 comments|post comment

Plutarch, On Talkativeness [01 Apr 2008|04:22am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

Talkativity, if the word existed, pleases my ears more than talkativeness. However, garrulity is a little too obscure. Loquacity might be perfect.

Since apparently i'm just posting work here now...

extensive notes on Plutarch's treatise for anyone interested )

2 comments|post comment

cocktail party stories [22 Mar 2008|07:16pm]
[ mood | procrastinating ]

Here are some of my favorite stories from Plutarch's essay on talkativeness. i typed these up for a project, found them again, and realized they should be saved here for posterity.

Plutarch 503B

For when Aristotle himself was annoyed by a chatterer and bored with some silly stories, and the fellow kept repeating, “Isn’t it wonderful, Aristotle?” “There’s nothing wonderful about that,” said Aristotle, “but that anyone with feet endures you.” To another man of the same sort, who said after a long rigmarole, “Poor philosopher, I’ve wearied you with my talk.” “Heavens no!” said Aristotle, “I wasn’t listening.”

Greek 503B

1: “οὐ θαυμαστόν, Ἀριστότελες;” “οὐ τοῦτο,” φασί, “θαυμαστόν, ἀλλ’ εἴ τις πόδας ἔχων σὲ ὑπομένει.”
2: “κατηδολέσχηκά σου, φιλόσοφε.” “μὰ Δί, ” εἶπεν, “οὐ γὰρ προσεῖχον.”

Plutarch 508F (paraphrase except for part in quotation marks; my notes are bracketed)

Barbers are especially singled out for being talkative. Again, Plutarch presents a scene of gossip (idle chatter) at a barber’s shop—this time, concerning how unbreakable the despotism of Dionysius was. The barber remarks, “Fancy your saying that about Dionysius, when I have my razor at his throat every few days or so!” Dionysius crucified the barber after hearing of this. [This is a scene of gossip accompanied by an inappropriate joke taken the wrong way. But who told Dionysius about it? Another gossip, or a spy?]

Plutarch 511A

And we must be careful to offer to chatterers examples of this terseness, so that they may see how charming and how effective they are. For example, [recall] the Spartans to Philip: Dionysius in Corinth. And again, when Philip wrote to them, “If I invade Laconia, I shall turn you out.,” they wrote back, “If.”

Greek 511A

“ἂν ἐμβάλω εἰς τὴν Λακωωικήν, ἀναστάτους ὑμᾶς ποιήσω,” ἀντέγραψαν, “ἄικα. ”

Plutarch 511F (paraphrase & bracketed notes)

It is impossible to stop a chatterer by holding the reins, but his disease must be conquered by habit. Plutarch here gives suggestions about how to control one’s propensity for chatter: accustoming oneself to silence until all have refused a response, avoiding insolency and boldness in asking questions, etc. Answering in someone else’s place is likened to running up and kissing someone who wanted to be kissed by someone else. To take the answer out of another person’s mouth is to divert another person’s hearing, attract his attention and wrest it from another person. [The gossip at work attracts much attention to himself.]

Plutarch 513A-B

Furthermore, there are three kinds of answers to questions: the barely necessary, the polite, and the superfluous. For example, if someone asks, “Is Socrates at home?” one person may reply, as it were unwillingly and grudgingly, “Not at home.” And if he wishes to adopt the Laconic style, he may omit the “At home” and only utter the bare negative. So the Spartans, when Philip wrote to ask if they would receive him into their city, wrote a large “No” on the paper and sent it back. Another will answer more politely, “He is not at home, but at the bank,” and if he wants to give fuller measure may add, “waiting there for some guests.” But your over-officious and garrulous man, particularly if he happens to have read Antimachus of Colophon, will say, “He is not at home, but at the bank, waiting for some Ionian guests on whose behalf he has had a letter from Alcibiades who is near Miletus staying with Tissaphernes, the satrap of the Great King, who formerly used to help the Spartans, but now is attaching himself to the Athenians because of Alcibiades. For Alcibiades desires to be restored to his native country and therefore is causing Tissaphernes to change sides.” And he will run on, reciting at full stretch the whole eighth book of Thucydides, and deluge the questioner until, before he has finished, Miletus is at war again and Alcibiades exiled for the second time.

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a day about two weeks ago. [20 Mar 2008|10:54pm]
i can't find words to describe how things are right now, so i'll talk about one of the craziest days ever - a day that took place a couple weeks ago.

After going to class (1.5 hours), and teaching (2 hours), and seminar (in which we had a quiz & paper due - 3 hours), i arrive home the other night and after a week of grazing, i engage in a festival of gluttony and promptly fall asleep on the couch. With my (rigid, gas-permeable) contacts in.

Okay, so i've done this before. i wake up late and take them out before i shower, figuring i can pop them back in afterwards and they'll just be a little uncomfortable. i do this, vaguely aware that my left eye is hurting, but really i'm just focused on getting on the next bus. With a flash of foresight, i throw my glasses in my backpack (i never take my glasses anywhere, so this was truly providential).

i miss the bus.

i call a taxi, because i'm sick of busses and the next one isn't for another 40 minutes. i wait and wait and the taxi doesn't show. After almost an hour, i call them back, tell them to cancel, and get on a different bus. My eye is getting worse, tearing up and massively red. i finally pop out my contact and decide to go Cyclops-style to my advisor meeting. i get there, late of course, and the eye is still tearing up enough that i have to blow my nose every 5 minutes. We meet, everything is mostly okay, she's concerned about my workload, etc. etc. In the middle of the meeting, i take out my second contact and put my dorky Harry Potter-esque glasses on.

Anyway, i go to meet with two students who have completed corrections from their latest test. One has no idea what's going on, the other is a little more competent. i just want them out of my office so i can call my optometrist and ask if i'm going to lose my eye. i call her, she tells me to buy a special brand of over-the-counter eye drops and use them every two hours - if things aren't better in the morning, i have to come in. Great. i have a fairly important graduate student meeting in 5 minutes, so i decide to buy the drops after the meeting. i try to make myself look presentable in the bathroom, grab a box of tissues and a drink, then head downstairs to the meeting.

Down the stairs in one catastrophic flailing leap, that is.

You see, my depth perception with my new glasses prescription is awful. The new prescription itself is good - very sharp - but i don't wear them enough to get used to calculating depth. i've never worn them to school. And so i fell an entire length of ~12 hard stairs, landing primarily on my knees, right hip, and right arm. Since i was carrying stuff, i wasn't able to brace myself properly, although i remember thinking "head up! keep the head up!" Anyway, i was lucky & knew it, but before i was able to turn myself into an appropriate "i'm okay" position, some good Samaritan opens the door to the stairwell and starts telling me not to move. Don't get me wrong, i appreciated his kindness, but my peers are going to walk into the stairwell any minute and i do not need them seeing me all splayed out on the floor. He makes a big deal of checking my ankles and knees, etc. and then of course my officemates come in and are all concerned. It was massively embarrassing. When i get up to go to the meeting, i discover that i've torn a good conference-worthy pair of pants straight across the knee.

So i look like a hot mess throughout the meeting, eye grotesquely swollen and red (though hurting somewhat less now that i have seven nascent bruises smarting elsewhere on my corpus), ugly glasses, torn pants. i make it through the meeting, buy the eye drops and spray them liberally in the direction of my eye (i hate eye drops: my eye has adapted to protect my contacts, so it really wants nothing of liquid entering beyond the eyelashes). Then i have to meet and make up with a friend with whom i've been having a junior-high type of spat for about two weeks now. Then after changing pants, i go to dinner with another friend and not until returning home do i see how absolutely disgusting my eye looks. It's puffed to the point of barely being open, and all crusty from the eye drops. Embarrassing - i can't believe i went out looking like that!

My R returned home that evening and all we wanted was to cuddle with each other, but it was hard finding a position that didn't touch the bruises. Sigh.

i'm still mad about those pants, probably because they were a gift and i don't want to pay $80 to replace them. But otherwise, all is fine.
5 comments|post comment

snow [01 Feb 2008|09:38pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Also, i'm so happy that we finally had a brutal blizzard here. But i'm sad because it's going to melt in the next couple days... and i'm also starting to get the usual pre-spring anxiety. As the days get longer, i begin to fret and become more & more depressed. i dislike spring (despite the tornadoes) because it is the harbinger of that most hated season: summer. i'm beginning to fret & have thoughts about moving far, far north. i can't stand the summer. Please, God, please don't let it come.

i think that although i love the winter, i'm happiest (in my weird introspective pseudo-poetic way) in autumn. In autumn, there is much beauty - the crisper, cleaner air, sweaters, tea, fallen leaves. Yet there remains all the pure promise of snowy winter. Once winter arrives, after about a month i just obsess over whether it's cold enough, whether spring will come early, etc.

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So lately [01 Feb 2008|09:21pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

All i've been doing is working like a dog, presenting papers (total: 2 since my last post here), freaking out at/about conferences, & writing rather blatently hostile letters to members of my department involved in hiring decisions. i'm taking 3 classes (2 seminars). In one, i have to read ~500-700 lines of Greek a week. It's brutal. i have about 8 projects that i'm trying to finish up and all i want to do is sleep & play old video games. Mostly because i'm incredibly sleep-deprived on account of all the work.

Oh, and let's not forget standing in front of my two sections of Latin and generally being awkward. i'm really bad. i can't fake the "peppy teacher" vibe and i'm not confident enough to pull off the "mellow & melancholic" persona. So i just stand up there and resist the urge to apologize for acting like such a moron. It feels like high school, honestly - we're not all that separated in age (i'm pretty sure at least a couple are still older than i am) & i just feel judged - i mean, i judged my teachers in undergrad & i would have despised someone as hesitant as me.

It doesn't help that both semesters this year have started with administrative mistakes that created really awkward situations for which i had to apologize, even though they were not remotely my fault.

Man, if anyone from class ever reads this: sorry, guys. i am way too uptight. i'm pretty sure that if they ever legalized marijuana, i'd be a shoo-in for a prescription. Not that i would smoke it or anything. But yeah, a stoned me would probably be a far more effective & tolerable teacher.

1 comment|post comment

hint #49865 that you have OCD [14 Aug 2007|09:45pm]
[ mood | aware ]

You are looking online for a pair of miniature tongs, so that you can pick up your oyster crackers and pieces of cereal without touching them. Up until now you have used a spoon, but sometimes it is hard to separate out different colors of cereal fragments using a spoon. Tiny tongs would make it easy to select the proper colors and shapes. Also, you hate the sound the spoon makes as it crashes into a heap of cereal or crackers. Tongs would be much quieter.

While searching online for tongs, you come across some surgeon's kits and think that those might be even better for this task. Or a special set of tweezers.

Of course, chopsticks would work, but they would also impede eating while working (as you have to keep picking them up & adjusting). Tongs or surgical equipment or tweezers would be ready at hand.

You don't really think that the embarrassment of being seen in public while using tongs/surgical equipment/tweezers to eat would preclude you from doing so. Because it's cleaner. And i mean, you already are ridiculed at the office for using a spoon to eat crackers, so why not just get the tongs?

6 comments|post comment

happy anniversary & varia [09 Aug 2007|12:22am]
In case anyone was wondering, we had a wonderful anniversary. Robert spent almost two weeks in London on business at the end of July (while i remained at home because of commitments), so it has been heavenly just to be around each other again.

i'm sorry for taking a break from journaling. i hope my school stops exploiting me so that i can write more soon. No, i'm not exaggerating. Yes, it's really that bad. i would be a happier person if i could let words instead of allowing them to ferment inside. Robert would agree, i think.

Two events in the past that i wanted to record:

1. i used the words insipid patina in a rather candid conversation with my advisor. i am very pleased with this turn of phrase and encourage men & women everywhere to partake of it. Just remember: i googled--it's definitely a uniquely aletheisian design.

2. Earlier this summer, we were driving through downtown Chicago. Near Millennium Park, an African-American woman & a Korean woman were standing on the median, holding up signs reading "Honk to Impeach" & "Honk for Peace." We honked, and the whole day seemed brighter. Silly, maybe, but it felt like we had contributed a tiny puff of air intended to rustle a butterfly's wing.
2 comments|post comment

[14 Apr 2007|06:45pm]
[ mood | too visible ]

i have a lot to say & no time to say it.

let's pray for a cool, rainy, and literary summer. i think, for once in many years, i might be getting something one could term 'a break.'

more on that later.

2 comments|post comment

a gift from the heavens [28 Feb 2007|09:23pm]
THERE IS A MODERATE RISK OF SEVERE WEATHER ALONG AND SOUTH
OF INTERSTATE 74...WITH A SLIGHT RISK TO THE NORTH.

THE LOW PRESSURE CENTER WILL CONTINUE TO DEEPEN AND MOVE RAPIDLY
NORTHEAST INTO THE GREAT LAKES BY FRIDAY MORNING. THUNDERSTORMS...SOME
CAPABLE OF PRODUCING LARGE HAIL...DAMAGING WINDS...TORNADOES AND
HEAVY RAIN...ARE EXPECTED TO MOVE ALONG AND AHEAD OF A COLD
FRONT...AFFECTING CENTRAL AND EAST CENTRAL ILLINOIS THURSDAY
MORNING AND CONTINUING INTO THE AFTERNOON THURSDAY. THE PRIMARY
AREA OF CONCERN WILL BE ALONG AND SOUTH OF INTERSTATE 74. THE
THREAT OF SEVERE WEATHER...INCLUDING THE RISK OF TORNADOES...WILL
BE MAINLY DURING THE LATE MORNING AND EARLY AFTERNOON HOURS.

[sweet! while i do not want winter to end... i'm ready for some skyward action. Perhaps it will take my mind off of what Boethius would call noxiae curae.]
3 comments|post comment

[13 Feb 2007|12:29pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

i am so happy. Finally, we have snow.

My university needs to understand that snow days need to be announced before 7:30am. Announcing at 9am really is a great annoyance to everyone who made the treacherous journey to campus. Anyone who saw the forecast at 5am this morning, and the Blizzard Warning stating "DO NOT TRAVEL" should have canceled class then. Waiting until 9am unnecessarily risked lives.

Snow day = attempt in vain to catch up on work.

1 comment|post comment

belated revelation [28 Jan 2007|08:34pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

wow, being a graduate student sucks. a lot.

maybe later i'll come back & elaborate, but i'm not sure i have time to write out the rants i've been spewing left and right these days.

i do have the small comfort of having contributed, albeit slightly, to the great Departmental Drama, though. hey, i'm just returning the favor. also, #groogroo will be pleased: i have learned to stand up for myself. i suppose one can only handle so much injustice and idiocy before one snaps and starts issuing surprisingly firm ultimata. i feel like i am channeling the force of mrw or something.

one positive thing: after this semester, i will have all my Ph.D. coursework (and then some) completed, save one upper-level seminar in Greek. The only courses i *have* to complete this semester are LAT 580 and CLCV 550, although i am required to take 12 hours to get my fellowship, so i'll have to stay in three courses regardless.

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Classes for next semester [05 Jan 2007|11:03pm]
i don't feel like i've rested much this break. Yes, i did do things besides work, and i did get a little more sleep (although i only slept about an hour last night), but work has been constantly on my mind. i am avoiding answering my email and sending out what are now "celebration of winter" cards. Sorry, everyone. i blame some of this melancholia on the fact that we have had NO snow in Champaign (that ice storm November 30th / December 1st didn't drop enough lasting snow to count). i'm so sad...

However, despite all of the things i am ignoring willfully right now, i am excited about next semester's classes. i don't know if i can handle them all, but i will try. i just can't pass up some of these courses-- they are tailor-made for me! i still don't know how to handle three full-blown seminars (the teaching class isn't really at the same level as the others), but i'm going to speak to at least one of the professors & my advisor at the beginning of the semester. i have handled three seminars in the past, but one of the three was always Prose Composition. While prose composition is a lot of work, it does lack the end-of-term paper that every other seminar requires. Anyway, i will find out more about the requirements for the classes later... on to the glorious descriptions!

CLCV 550 - Teaching the Classics (A. Traill & R. S. Garner)
Let's not talk about it. Hopefully Daniel & Amy will keep me amused. No offense meant to the instructors... my problem is with some bureaucratic issues pertaining to the class, not the professors (who are excellent) or even the content of the class.

LAT/GRK 531 - Special Disciplines: Questioning Authenticity of Ancient Texts (W. Calder)
This course examines questions like: did Euripides really write the works attributed to him? How do we determine which works are forgeries or just misattributed? These are very interesting questions for classicists, historians, and literary critics. This class is taught by an expert on forgeries, both classical and of later periods. i'm really excited-- his course sounds so cool. i love that we are going to have a virtual courtroom in the class-- people will have to make convincing arguments for and against the texts' authenticity, and then the rest of the class will vote. i can't wait!
Official description:
The course is concerned with disputed problems of authenticity in Greco-Roman literature, as well as analysis of the arguments and methodology used to determine authenticity. Can a convincing method be devised? Each meeting will be devoted to a famous example. One student will be asked to defend authenticity while a second student challenges it. Anonymous votes will be taken. Among those works to be discussed will be: Aeschylus' Prometheus Bound, Euripides' Rhesus, Seneca's Octavia, Seneca's Epigrams, Plato's Seventh Epistle, Tacitus' De Oratoribus, Vergil's Moretum, Xenophon's Constitution of the Athenians, and the Secret Gospel of Mark.

GRK 520 - Late Plato (B. Sattler)
i love Plato, especially the Timaeus, and we recently hired a precocious German professor who used the Timaeus in her thesis. She is also co-hosting a large, interdisciplinary conference on the Timaeus at UIUC in Autumn 2007. i can't pass up this class!
Official description:
This course will examine the most influential doctrines specific to the late Plato and the way they developed. In order to do so, we will first look at central passages from Plato's main work of the middle period, the Politeia, to get a picture of Plato's account of knowledge, ontology and the human soul there. Subsequently, we will investigate Plato's own challenge to this account in his dialogue Parmenides which puts forward questions concerning his theory of the Forms, and in the Theaetetus which challenges his account of knowledge. Passages from the Sophist will give us an overview of Plato's new account of his theory of Forms and what there is, and the Timaeus will show us a different explanation of perception and knowledge as well as Plato's new valuation of the empirical realm. We will work with the original Greek text, clarifying problems of translation first but concentrating on the philosophical problems.


LAT 580 - Sallust's Bellum Catilinae (W. Calder)
i like Sallust. Also, 580 seminars aren't offered every semester; one Latin & one Greek 580 seminar is required for the PhD. i might as well take one focusing on an author i enjoy reading.



i was also considering GRK 491 - Reading Course on the Oresteia (A. Tzanetou), but 5 classes is out of the question (i've done it twice: never again, and absolutely never when all my other courses are seminars).
Official description:
This reading course in Greek tragedy will focus on two plays of Aeschylus’ Oresteia: Agamemnon, and Eumenides. We will read both plays in Greek in their entirety, paying attention to dramaturgy, myth and diction. Attention will also be given to the historical context of the trilogy, religion and ritual, and the relationship between drama, politics and democracy. In addition, we will read Choephori in English and discuss selected articles on Aeschylean drama.
4 comments|post comment

Bush Jr.'s puerility exposed (once again) [25 Oct 2006|08:23pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Walter Scheib III, former White House chef for the Clintons and (very briefly) for the Bushes, has some amazing quotations in today's New York Times. His book, The White House Chef, will be published in January. We are cautioned that it is not an exposé; however, if the book includes the subtle smirking found in the article, i'll buy it.

Telling quotations:

The first time [Laura Bush's social secretary, Lea Berman] met Mr. Scheib she told him that she wanted the White House kitchen to produce meals like those her husband had enjoyed at one of Marco Pierre White’s restaurants in London. Mr. White, who once had three Michelin stars, has served everything from braised pigs’ trotters to truffled parsley soup with poached eggs.


“I’m thinking to myself, ‘I’m not sure the president is going to be big on that,’ ” said Mr. Scheib, who had made many an enchilada and grilled-cheese sandwich on white bread with Kraft singles for President Bush.


[...]

Even before the Bushes arrived at the White House, the word had gone out that the president did not like “green food” or “wet fish,” as in poached, steamed or boiled, Mr. Scheib said.


When he sent Mrs. Berman an informal menu that included hummus, a favorite of Hillary and Chelsea Clinton, Mr. Scheib said, Mrs. Berman wrote “yuk” beside it. And when she told him his vegetables were “always overcooked,” he was incredulous. “I was fairly certain I wouldn’t have made it this far in my career if I didn’t know how to cook vegetables.”




full New York Times article )
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tornado in chicago?! [22 Sep 2006|06:29pm]
Holy cow!

SEVERE WEATHER STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE CHICAGO/ROMEOVILLE IL
620 PM CDT FRI SEP 22 2006

ILC031-222345-
/O.CON.KLOT.TO.W.0036.000000T0000Z-060922T2345Z/
COOK IL-
620 PM CDT FRI SEP 22 2006

...A TORNADO WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 645 PM CDT FOR CENTRAL
COOK COUNTY...

AT 619 PM CDT...NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE RADAR CONTINUED TO INDICATE
A TORNADO NEAR HUMBOLDT PARK...AND MOVING EAST AT 45 MPH.

THE TORNADO WILL BE NEAR...
CHICAGO DOWNTOWN AND LINCOLN PARK BY 625 PM...
3 comments|post comment

onus miraculorum [13 Sep 2006|03:33am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

note to self: when this is all over, write about how life is like a palimpsest: the impossible erasure of the watermark beneath. the superimposition of time and arrogance of creation.

today was the first day i felt autumn, and the twofold pang of hope and surreal alienation. every year, the same urge to leave, to sacrifice, to become part of some great mystery. you'd think the experience would get rote but every breath seems to shake the foundation and my heart trembles in anticipation. i see ghosts in texts but they do not frighten me at all: what is wind and word compared to the velocity of this revelation? i, at least, cannot be held in anyone's eye.

the smell of rain, of dying green and lapsing grey-- a startling kind of reality. not the raucous yawn of summer but a vivid home movie-- jagged edges and richly colored, like dyed wool. i am so young in the autumn: every building resounds with history and the earth seems terrifyingly ancient and vast. The stones carve out tones and the wind wraps centuries around my arms. and it is all beyond my capacity. apologies.

eventually—yes, someday—i will work on this. )

1 comment|post comment

what is this? [14 Aug 2006|10:23pm]
[ mood | struggling ]
[ music | all these songs in my head ]

i just want to bury my head in my arms and cry.* Why? Can i no longer handle criticism? Why is the smallest thing such a blow to my confidence right now? True, i have a paper that looks like it's been through a massacre, but i don't know why that causes me to hate myself so much.

*Luckily, i am not the crying sort at all, but it's still hard to sublimate such negative energy.

Also, i've been having dreams where people are speaking to me in languages i don't know (like Russian and Mandarin), but in my dream i can understand them. And dreams where i am reading Greek and translating it into Latin, with big scary Doberman dogs chained up beside me trying to bite off my hands. And one where i had a halo-- not a fake metal one, but a veritable halo of light. (i felt rather guilty when i woke up from that one, as if i had been overly arrogant or something.)

i could go on and on about my dreams, but suffice it to say-- all of them are nuts, and i always remember them. i dream very vividly. It's not always a good thing.

2 comments|post comment

anniversary and ampersand abuse [07 Aug 2006|11:54pm]
[ mood | love ]

happy anniversary, my robert. it is silly to commemorate just one day, since every day is special & beautiful & perfect because we are together. i am no less giddy than i was three years ago, and well, it is amazing. there aren't words, so i will cease to look for them [for now, anyway].

out of respect, i will leave the bulk of my general summer malaise for another entry. i will say this: autumn & winter angst is far preferable than the summer sort-- and not just because those seasons are more tolerable. in the winter, i am somehow necessary, speeding toward an unfathomable yet worthwhile end, some great and silent supernova of energy & light. there is no questioning of purpose or intent. in the summer, i am a burden to the whole universe, a weight upon grass & dirt & sky & stars, i am superficial, useless, and the sensation is unbearable. it's terrifying, like a spreading, bottomless dread. like breathing in a vacuum.

seriously i am trembling as i write this down

i need to hold onto faith

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de corpore [02 Aug 2006|10:21pm]
Today, i went to the climbing gym with some students & professors from my department. It was my first time climbing, and i was really nervous, but i did okay. We were there for about three hours. i feel like this could be a good kind of exercise for me. i am so tired of sitting all the time-- it's taking such a toll on my back & neck. Also, the tangible goal is very satisfying, especially because most of my life is so focused upon intangible aims and abstractions. It reminds me of all the running and walking i did in Chicago-- the simple goal of reaching a geographic point provided a much-needed distraction from the confusion of school, home, life itself. If you will forgive the pun, a little toehold on reality. Plus, i am rather disgusted with myself as of late, so perhaps some kind of physical activity could remind me of why, precisely, the body exists.

i don't really have any arm strength, so that is my major hurdle at the moment. Once i got tired, it was so hard to pull myself up. Anyway, i'm exhausted, but still intrigued by this climbing thing. Maybe it's the endorphins exercise is supposed to release. Maybe it's just the fact that i would rather do just about anything than work on my thesis.

Also: i am compiling a CD for cathartic purposes. It is the CD of academic despair. Sometimes i just like to listen to embarrassingly angry or mopey music, because it makes the frustration dissolve into giggles. So, any suggestions for songs? i don't care if they were intended to be break-up songs, as long as the lyrics can be interpreted to apply to an advisor or boss. Emo is okay. i might make two mixes: one of silly melodramatic music, and one of more serious angst.

i have songs in mind already. Here are a few i can remember off the top of my head:

You Turn the Screws (Cake) [this is a song i have dedicated to a special professor of mine]
Sheep Go to Heaven (Cake)
Bodies (Drowning Pool)
Sometimes I Need to Remember (Linkin Park) [yeah, yeah, i know, but it's cathartic]
End of the Movie (Cake)
Mephistopheles' Return (Trans-Siberian Orchestra)
Just (Radiohead)
Karma Police (Radiohead)
Freak on a Leash (Korn)
Perfect Blue Buildings (Counting Crows)
Long December (Counting Crows)
The Moon Above the Mountains (Darrin Drda)
Round Here (Counting Crows) [i just like this song]
Tom Jones Part 2 (Ben Folds) [" "]

There are quite a few more. Anyway, give me suggestions, even/especially if you hate these. i have fairly eclectic taste, especially when it comes to self-absorbed moping.
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