The film project continues to suck up time like you wouldn't believe, but I'm loving it.

Life has been handing me tremendous experiences for which I so t hankful. And yet, my head is spinning. And I wish there were more hours in a day. More days in a week, etc.

Tonight in class, we had a speaker, Larry Green, who developed the Precede/Proceed Model. If you're a public health person or a health policy wonk, you're as impressed as hell now. ;-) He seems like a nice guy, but he was quiet, rather monotone and pretty academic -- as one might expect, I guess. But one thing he said really struck accord, It was that sometimes when people are struggling to find "balance" in their lives, the need to adjust their frame of reference. He suggested it's okay to be intense and passionate about something, and to be really focused on that and driven, for a period of time. He suggested that the idea of "balance" is something that plays out over time. Perhaps for a semester or a year or two you will be very consumed by a project or idea. And then, you'll move to a period where that is less prominent and perhaps family issues will play a bigger role. The idea of balance then, plays out over time. It's more useful, then, to think of balance, not as a state to be achieve in any one point in time, but rather a processs, a journey and experience to measured over a broad stretch of life and living.

In light of that, I see myself trying to find balance... Devoting long stretches of time to school and the film. A big long spurt of effort on the podcast is way over due. But in the meantime, I've had some other remarkable experiences. Wish I had time to delve into greater detail, but just so i've marked it down here for my own memory, I've had a really cool guy come back into my life. It's a guy I had a totally hot, random hook-up with. Back in the early fall of last year, I met a hot boy who I'll call OpenHeart at a sexuality conference, and in a matter of minutes, I was on my knees in front of him, sucking his cock in a bathroom stall. It was very intense and visceral, and the best part, was that I was holding his hand, as I was sucking him, and I remember how the engergy was flowing between us, as he squeezed my hand and squeezed his, all while I devoured his beautiful dick. It was so fucking hot and sexy, and I was really buzzed within endorphins afterward.

I tried unsuccessfully to make a date with him afterward. Then he left SF for a period of time to do some humantarian work in the Gult Coast following the Katrina disaster. Then we randomly met up again thru Tribe, and he took an interest in my podcast, and we started talking about meeting up to talk about podcasting, but we hadn't yet figured out that we knew each other from that hot encounter. Finally it did dawn on us, and we were both very amused. Then, as we talked futher, I learned that many of my assumptions about him were wrong. I assumed since i was sucking his dick within 10 minutes of meeting him, that he was gay. In fact, he's really kind bisexual, but predominantly into women... kinda more "heteroflexible." The cool think, though, is that he doesn't have a problem owning his occasional attraction to men, or to acknoweledge that he's enjoyed male partners as well as females partners. He's partnerned now, with a woman, so he's not free to play at the moment (so far they have a monogamous thing) but he did join me for a party, and we ended up spending a wonderful night together, cuddled up together on small futon in a cold basement. It was really sweet, and affectionate, and frustratingly asexual. But really, I loved it. It was so nice just to hold him, and feel a nice human connection with him. In someways, not being sexual was an interesting twist. Also, we both are really intriqued by the idea of developing a friendship, so I'm eager to see where that goes.

Finally, on much, much, MUCH more sexual note, I had another amazing night of passionate sex with GreenMan. We had such a hot time, took a ton of digital pix (of me, of him, of us fucking in a mirror... HOT)... and he brought over some righteous weed and we got soooooooooooo baked. This was balance for me. It has been sooo much work lately, and I really have felt that I spend the vast majority of my time talking about sex, and very little doing it. So this was a chance to really get down and get sweaty and throw down with some hot, funky - monkey sex.

GreenMan and I have been fuck for about a year and a half now. Off and on. And last month, after some discussion about our sexual pasts and our level of trust with each other, for the first time we decided to play barrier-free. It result was truly the hottest, most intense sex I've ever had. In fact, it was so hot, he came back just a few days later and we did it all over again. It wasn't just that we were going at it barrier-free. We've always had a tremendous sexual connection. From the first date, when we fucked three times (both coming every time) within about two hours, there has always been a powerful click to our encourters. Taking the condom off only made it intense and more powerful.

At any rate, GM and I fucked from 11:30pm to about 2am, when we started watching DVDs and chilling. For the first time he spent the nite, sorta. We napped for a couple of hours from 4-6am, then kinda got wound up again and we fucked one last time, hard, hot, deep and so connected. Then, I think we both felt that we'd like to get some real sleep in our respective places. So we cleaned up and he headed home. I crashed back asleep and didn't get up till nearly 1pm.

But I must say, it reallyd did bring some needed balance. I feel so freaking restored and invigorated. It was an intense pleasure to have such great sex with a familiar, trusted party, who happens to be sexy as fuck! It was also nice to check and just chill and enjoy. Oh, I also forgot an important part of the evening. Even though we'd talked about our sexual pasts, and our HIV status & testing history, I had a few extra rapid results tests that I acquired along the way, and so before we fucked bare this time, we tested together and got our results here at home. I think we both wanted to be able to feel like we were doing something to make it a saner choice to be having barrier-free sex together. And we'd taken steps to have some first hand knowledge, beyond trust each other's word. I have to say it felt really good. It felt like a strong indicator of the respect we have for each other as people, as well as a sign of our concerned for our own health, and the health of one another.

Okay, gotta go. I still have boxes to stort, and IKEA furniture to build. The joys of moving continue...

Hey there,

It's been ages since I posted, and I thought it might be good to share a little bit about the primary cause of my delinquence in writing here (not to mention in pursuing my podcast). Believe me when I say my internal guilt level is in the red zone. However, the demands of my work, my grad school program and particularly this special class I'm taking in flimmaking, are sucking up time like Delta Burke would suck up chocolate in a Whitmans' Sampler factory.

The class is called Documentary Film Making for Social Justice, and the idea is to match grad students in public health with undergrad film students, to collaborate on a project that explores a socical justice issue related to health in a five to seven minute documentary short. My project, tentatively called, It's Not What You Think!: Kinksters Confront Stigma and Stereotype, explores the misconceptions that those unfamiliar with the leather/kink/fetish community have around BDSM practice. And the message is conveyed through intimate interviews from people with broad experience in leather/kink play.

So far we have lined up some amazing interviewees. We have people who are internationally recognized leaders on safe, sane and consensual kink play, and people with unique takes on common areas of concern related to BDSM play, such as the intersections of kink play and feminism, as well as kink play in communities of color. I'm very psyched about the diversity we've been able to achieve, from race/ethnicity to gender to sexual orientation to age. It's going to be a great mix.

The only draw back is that this project is consuming every spare minute of my life!!! Hence, no time to blog. Not time to podcast. Barely time to feed my cats and myself, and tend to personal hygiene!! Yikes!

Okay, that'll have to do for now. Oh yeah, and I moved in the middle of all this madness, so I'm still try to get boxes unpacked and dishes and clothes put away. Arrrrgh!!

peace & love,
5x5

holy crap! what a weekend. i am so exhausted, spent, crushed.

i spent virtually every waking hour of last week packing, moving, or unpacking. god damn, who knew i was such a freaking pack rat!! okay, i guess my parents do, since the barn at our family farm is about half filled with my excess crap. hey, someday, i may want to leaf through my high school year book, or my 9th grade cliff notes to Moby Dick.

okay, so anyway, back to kvetching about how crappy i feel, and how over-whelmed I am by all the work that i didn't get done this weekend because i was so busy moving. it's just freaking scary. i don't know if i'll ever catch up. and during all that packing and schleping in what was a cold, damp, rainy SF weekend, i now have wretched cold. yuk...

for those following the podcast, first, thanks!! i'm so glad to have you listen in, and hopefuly write with your own comments. second, due to the extreme total lack of time, i wasn't able to post a show this weekend. i hope to be able to post one next weekend though. and i'll probably post an apology podcast later this week.

ok, back to unpacking...

peace and love, peeps!

5x5

omigod. so many boxes. so much crap. so little time.

midterm on thursday. haven't read shit. missed one out of three lectures. i am sooooo fucked.

functioning on about four hours sleep since i woke up yesterday at 8am.

did get QSW, Episode Four posted. ah, we see the priorities, don't we?

but, jesus christ, i think i forgot to get laid!! oh way, i blew a hot straight/bi questioning indian guy Friday nite... okay, so the past week hasn't been a total erotic loss.

sadly, the would-be love of my life, t-rex, has found a new boyfriend. it's cool, of course, since we officially haven't been dating for weeks, almost months. still it's a little sad. but i do totally love t-rex, and so as cliched as it sounds, i am happy for him. we had nice, fun sex. but it was not mind-blowing GreenMan sex, and t-rex brings so much to my life beyond sex. in some ways friendship is totally cool for us... but my poly slut nature always makes me ask, but why can't we be cuddly-sexual friends too? hmmmm...

oh well, must off to bed.

love and hugs, peeps!

5x5

busy day...

painting, packing, moving.

had a great meeting with Nova & Atticus about my BDSM & Stigma documentary! yea!

now back to backing. sipping a some cheap red wine. wishing i'd gotten more done on the podcast... then again, i also should be doing reading for school, studying for an exam, doing admin stuff for my paying job.

had a fun, fancinating date with a hot, straight/bi guy last nite. fun, fun, fun. will try to write that up, because it was cool, interesting and very fun. such a sexy guy!

peace & love,
5x5

Holy Crap, what a week. I look at my iCalendar and shudder. My life is WAY too busy. And yet, I love all the stuff I'm involved in. Well, maybe not so much my work work. That part's okay, but nothing to write home about (or journal about) for that matter. But my podcast still excites the hell out of me. The film project is bursting with potential and exciting posibilities. The two other classes I'm taking this semester are really interesting. And other projects I'm working on in the queer SF leather scene are progressing nicely. However, as cool as all that is, it seems a wee bit fucked up to look at my iCalendar and see that i have programmed almost every minute of this week and next with meetings, classes, work, etc.

On a related note, my "so-good-its-spooky" sex life is still on a roll. This won't be an "Ain't I a Ho" coloumn, though I have enought material for another one, but suffice it to say that the stars are still smiling on libidinous pursuits. My naughty weekend (Friday evening quicky, Friday night SM scene, Saturday morning suprise with Mail Man guy) was rounded out by a totally out of sight Sunday nite hook up with my most classic fuck-buddy partner, GreenMan. And it was just completely off the hook,... twice. :-)

And then despite the fact that usually our hook ups are spaced months (often SEVERAL months) apart, this time we reprised the action again just last nite. It was funny, after Sunday's session, I joked that we'd just proven the Sade song wrong. You know that song, "Never As Good As the First Time." I love Sade. So cool and chilled-out. And let's be honest, it rarely does ever get as good as the passion and excitement of the first, hot session. For GreenMan and me, the first time was pretty damn hot. Three amazing, sweaty, "can't-get-enough," man-mauling fuck-sessions (with "happy ending") in a row, in a single two hour hook up. That was probably a year and half ago, and it set a pretty high standard to surpass. And yet, Sunday really did manage to set a new personal best - woohoo!

As great as the sex has been, I still find that there's stuff missing. And I don't want that to sound like the usual annoying judgmental and sex-phobic cliche that hot sex-for-the-sake-sex leaves you feeling empty and alone. That's not what I'm talking about. I feel great about my casual hook-ups as being friendly, affirming and very mutual respectful. But I am still looking to develop friendships, especially with men, that are rooted in a mutual concern that goes beyond fucking, while not necessarily precluding it. I have made some progress on that. I think my friendship with RH, the studly, slightly stocky and quite hairy Latino man, who I know from SF State, fits that bill. Our connection has definitely a lot more diminension that just him banging me. And boy does he know how to bang! t-Rex is another very promising friendship. He's been out of town and so we haven't hung out in quite a while, but that's still a great blessing of friendship that I find unfolding in the most wonderful ways. Of the various people that have passed through my life lately, I find these two men come the closest to addessing that need that I have felt to have men in my life who possess a lot of intelligence, compassion and concern for others, and who are willing to really invest some time in building real friendships. That a very cool thing. And I'm grateful.

Grateful too, for my best buddy in the MPH program, Naomi. There are few people I can speak as freely with, and know there will be no judgement and moralizing and such. And she also has such a cool, slightly-bent sense of humor. When I've been holed up in my apartment for a day or tow wtih little outside human contact, or with only hot sex as my prinicpal human contact, I find her presence helps me find a much more grounded and relaxed, "i'm ok" head space. So again, I'm grateful.

Okay, back to the treadmill of business.

peace & love,
5x5

okay, just back from the "date" with the aforementioned "very cute, very smart" boy who "drives a lexus so he must be doing something right."

first by way of background, we met at a "dating workshop" -- why do i have the feeling that should have been my first BIG RED FLAG -- for single gay men here in SF. we traded numbers, weeks went by and finally he called or emailed, and since i really had intended to write/call him as well, it was cool, and we set up a nice proper coffee date. so we did that. it went well. he was a little on the reverved side. very cerebral. freighteningly even voice tone... think "HAL" from 2001: Space Odyssey. But as I said, he was quite cute. Gorgeous teeth. Pretty lips. Very smart. And no egregious mis-steps in the "coffee date."

so he drives me home (very nice). we park and chat. conversation gets more intimate. he's an eager bottom. he's negative. he wants my big love saugage, and boy do I wanna give it to him... we promise to exchange spicy pix right away, and agree on a date at the end of the week (today) during which we'll meet, have a drink, have some hot, sweaty man-sex, and then chill, hug, snuggle, watch a DVD and just spend time together. that was the plan.

but wait, there's more! then the pic trading ensues. mutual oohs and aahs of approval are shared. increasingly steamy emails segue into even more steamy phone chat, which ensues into "eew, why's your phone sticky?" phone-sex. we CAN'T WAIT for Saturday when we will surely fuck like the wild beasts that we are!!

then about noon today I get a call. "hey, I wondered if we could change our date plan a bit..."

actually, that's totally cool by me, i've got SOOOOO much shit to do this weekend. so i'd wanted to tweak our plan a bit too. maybe go out in bar, so i could put out some stuff for the Study, then return to my place.... but before I can get that out,

"...because, I've been thinking..."

oh, be afraid. be very afraid.

"yeah, i think things are going a little too fast, maybe we could just go to a movie or something..."

okay, i'm not a total ass, incapable of delayed gratification and healthy compromise. really. I'm not.

"Well, that's okay," I say. "there's some stuff I need to get done too, can you call me back in a half hour when I'm back at home? Oh, you're heading out on a hike... A-huh... Well, why don't you call me when you get back from your hike. I don't have time for a movie, but maybe we could meet up for a drink or coffee after your show. just call me when you're back and we'll make a plan."

So he did, and we did. And I so of course I knew I wasn't getting laid tonight. No big. I can deal with that. Hey, I had Mail Man boy this morning. And that was some of the hottest sex I've had a quite a long, freaking while. Mmm-MMM! Yessir, I had me some DAMN fine sex this morning with Mr. Mail Man, bless his hairy perfectly-rounded buns! So you know, if Mr. "Very Cute, Very Smart" wants to go slow, I'm cool with that. Really...

Which brings us to the present moment, just returned from "Coffee Date No. 2." I was ready and waiting for the "Let's Take It Slow, and Make It MEAN Something" talk. And that's fine, I'm in no rush. I'm not holding my breath here til it happens. But homey doesn't come out with that. Nooooooooo... What he comes out with is:

"I've been thinking of trying to spend more time with women. The movie I saw was all about these lesbians, [OMIGOD, he thinks he's a lesbian!] and it so wasn't about the sex. It was about who they were as HUMANS. And with men, it just seems it's always about the SEX. And when I look at my life, I think I'm very isolated from women. So I'm thinking I need to spend some time developing relationships with women."

¡¿Que?!

What The Fuck?... or so I think to myself.

"So, umm, are you saying you need more women friends in your life, or that you think you should pursue romantic relationships with women right now?"

"I think maybe both."

The 40 minute conversation over Hot Chocolate and Calistoga water that proceded from that statement was pretty much free therapy for him, and time for me to appreciate once again the honesty and simplicity of "wow, you are so hot, how bout we have hot sweaty sex RIGHT NOW?" I'll say this, Mr. Mail Man may or may not be a shallow man into shallow sex, but he had damn sure firgured out whether he was huntin' for the hole or the pole, as Jerry Blank might put it. And that's something.

[this tirade is not meant to suggest in any way that bisexuals do not exist. yea for out, together bi folks!]

I've decided to start a recurring entry type here, called "Ain't I a Ho'?" Borrowing from (and in no way intending to denigrate) Sojourner Truth's famous "Ain't I a Woman?" speech that was such an eloquent and historic statement about social injustice particularly as related to racial and gender inequality. In the same way, I hope to further the cause of social justice by helping combat the general sex-phobia of our society wherein "slut" and "promiscuous" means anyone who gets it more than me. And "sick" or "perverted" is anyone kinker than me. Fuck that. In fact, just fuck. For the fun of it. For the exercise of it. For any reason. Strike a blow-job for the social equality of the libinally gifted! Yes, let us commit to ho'ing our way to a more just society. Better living thru copious copulating!

In this recurring feature, I will recount my erotic adventures -- because frankly, my erotic adventures are one my favorite parts of my life! Let me also state some reasons that are NOT my motivation for these erotic posts. It's not because I think they are so hot, or so special and unique, or that I have such a gift for writing on erotic themes that I think everyone needs to read about my sex life.

Rather, I'm writing this because I want to record these thoughts for myself. If others choose to read it, that's great. And I hope sharing my stories can be a point of reference for others. One human being's experience out of several billion. One point of view, offered with humility, and with pride, which is to say, without shame.

For those new to the blogging community, let me throw out this quick reminder: Blogs area a journal space created for people to speak candidly and from the heart. If you don't like what I'm writing about, and you think I'm sick, slutty freak, no big. That's your right. But you can keep that opinion to yourself. Nothing is compelling you to read any of the following details of my sexual adventures. If, on the other hand, you enjoy them, or learn something from them, or the spark a moment of reflection or laughter, or a big juicy boner. Cool beans! You go, boy, with your perv-y self! Get your kinky groove on! ;-)

So without any further ado, I present my new feature:

Ain't I a Ho?

Okay, it's been a busy couple of days for my libido. Two days, three encounters. All quite different. But all quite fun.

Early last nite: a gaydar connection. we'd traded messages for months. and on a parallel track of flirting, I'd been seeing him in the community, and flirting with him in real-life too, though I didn't realize thse two flirtations were one in the same man. "AC," as I'll call him, is a sexy community activist-type guy. Latino. Tested, Neg and HIV-knowlegable. You go, activist boy! it was a brief but hot fuck-- very safe, with some fun mutual blowing thrown in for good measure. he had an engagement with family right away, so it was a little "fuck and run," but quite a nice encounter nonetheless. loved his beautiful body (he was fresh from the gym and very pumped... but not bulky, just slim and muscle-y -my favorite! --was kinda surprised he wanted to play w/ me cuz his bod leaves mine in the dust, muscle-wise; it seemed to be my dick-size that was the draw for him -- whatever it was, good for me.... ). he also had a particularly fine ass, smooth and bubblicious!! A very adept bottom boy. Mmmm the pleasure when it slipped inside him!! Even with the barrier it was so fucking hot. Though he is a wee bit older than me, i think it's fair to say he was my boy. Expressed an interested in hooking up again in the future. No objections on my part. We shall see...

Late last nite: at SF Citadel, my first BDSM scene sex. flogged by towering 6'8" South African guy. pushed my limits, and felt a bit awkward with the public nature of my first real flogging. probably would have been better if we had more of a history/context, rather than being random strangers. still it was pretty hot. we did the proper negotitiating re: limits, safe words/signals. we found a saint-andrews cross, and he told me to strip naked and be in position when he returned with his toys. he began flogging me with a large, soft, cowhide flogger. starting slow, he built up to a sustained pace of strong stinging blows to my back and ass. occassionally he'd pause, and alternate to using his bare hand on my ass. then he would resume with the flogger. i had to stop the action at just one point when he started slapping my chest with particular force. since i have a totally reconstructed heart (i had a major heart birth defect), i thought that pounding on my heart could be bad for my already somewhat arythmic heartbeat. that taken care of, we resumed. after a bit, i'd had all the beating i needed for one night and signaled i needed to step back a bit. i'd been caressing his substantial package thru his tight leather pants with my hand earlier, then w/ my bare ass, when he was flogging me. when i signalled i needed to slow down, he put away his flogger and rubbed by back and ass with his warm hands, then turned me around and we made out. he was a great kisser. then my hand dropped down and caressed his buldging package, and i whispered, "can i suck it, sir?" he reached down and opend his pants to reaveal a fat, totally rigid 6" x 7" log of a cock, which i sucked like a pro. then he wanked as i pinched his tits and licked his shaved nutsac, until finally he shot his hot load all over my chest. then he watched me jack off shooting my load at the foot of the cross. talk about laying down your burden! all in all not a bad scene. was proud of myself just for giving a whirl. it was cool.

This morning: had a work meeting with the recruiters at Cafe Flore; then set out materials for both the Study, and QSW. while in the hood, i also checked out some commercial mailbox places. i need a new address as i'm moving and the mailbox at the new place does not lock. i need something more secure or i'll never get my netflix! at any rate, i found just the right place, and the shopkeep/owner was a hot Mediterranean-looking boy with a heavy 5o'clock shadow, and hairy tan arms! in short, soooo my type. I'll call him The Mail Man, or MM. mild flirting quickly led to fondling his furry abs, then his hairy chest, then to some hot nipple-sucking, and soon his hot little gym pants were pulled down to his thighs and some hot cock-suckage was underway. a customer entered, with a jingle of the chimes on the door, and he wisked away his yummy love-sausage, and we quickly emerged from the backroom. he helped the other customer, then we got down to the business that brought me in. as we took care of that matter, i commented on what a shame it was that i had been so busy sucking his tits and cock that i didn't get to see the hairy ass that felt sure completed his matched set of hairy hot errogenous zones. when we had finished the paperwork and I rose to leave, he said he agreed that it wasn't quite fair to deprive me of seeing his hot furry ass, especially as he had been focusing particular attention on developing his gluts in his workout routine. we returned to the back room where he bent over, dropped trou, and proudly displayed the BEA-U-TI-FUL fruits of gym labor: a gorgeously proportion, hairy ass, with a perfectly clean pink rosebud staring back oh-so-invitingly... much ass-eating ensued, which found its way onto a chair which he bent over, thus lifting his ass to a perfect height for munching, and giving him an un-ubstructed view (underneath the chair) of me pounding my dick while I devoured his hot ass. safe to say, a good time was had by all. :-) YUM! I'll really be looking forward to collecting my mail...

yes indeed. back in school.

all the usual up-to-my-eyeballs MPH class work and reading. plus practicum meetings. plus planning for an internship. plus my super-cool film class in which i'll be making a documentary short on stigma and stereotypes related to BDSM. add to that the podcast. and trying to get in some blogging. and trying to not just spend a lot of time talking and writing about adventurous sex, but also doing it from time to time.

that said, I have a super crazy weekend ahead. i had film class all day today (and every friday-- on the heals of my thursday nite class. last nite, didn't get home till almost 11pm), so i'm trying to just get a few must-do items taken care of, then i'll have a snack/dinner thing, then i'll have a power nap by 7:30, the up by 9:30 and off to my first "BDSM" theme party at the SF Citadel. i'll be there as a volunteer (so as to get in free), but it will help me do some research for the film project, and maybe get some interviews for an upcoming podcast, as well as get in some of that actual experience in kinky sex. i'll also be able to do some outreach for the Study. i'll get out at 2am-ish, and then i have to be up by 9ish Saturday to get organized for our recruiter staff meeting at 11am. fun, fun.

Then during the day of saturday, i have lots of reading for class. i have to write up to internship proposals (due monday), i have to write up an abstract submission for the APHA conference (also due by monday), i have assignements for the film class to work on, i need to get my podcast edited and up, and i need to pack some boxes. oh, and i have a date Saturday nite. a boy i met at dating workshop several weeks ago. nice guy, a 27yo information technology consultant. drives a lexus, so he must be doing something right. beautiful smile, and very smart, but we've only met for coffee once... we'll see what comes of that.

sunday, i'll try to go to GBF, catch up on stuff i didnt' get done saturday, and then i have a moving date with naomi, to get some of the stuff i've boxed up into the new apartment. i also need to get some white primer for repainting my walls here, and the trim at the new apmt. gotta get a mailbox rental thing set up, bcz the mailbox is busted at the new place and won't lock. just a taste of exciting weekend ahead...

Yes, sadly, my long winter break has come to a close, and I have to head back to class tonight.

Very mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, there's dread because between my regular work and catching up on long-deferred chores (organzing cabinets, doing laundry, refilling prescriptions, etc), i've been pretty darn busy even without the demands of school. Yikes, I hope I don't have too much trouble getting back in the swing of things.

On the other hand, I have totally missed all the cool people in my cohort. They are really a cool bunch of folks. I can't wait to hear what every one did over the break!

Plus, I'm also very excited about what I will accomplish this semester. My practicum team mates and I are putting together abstracts and proposals for submission to conferences and publications. I'm working on some abstracts of my own around my work related to the use of New Media for health promotion in marginalized communities. And, coolest of all, I'm taking an inter-disciplinary course on documentary film-making on themes of health and social justice. That should be a really amazing project!

All in all, it should be great. I just have a little anxiety about getting my ADD-challenged brain in the frame of mind. Wish me luck!

peace,
5x5

Not a bad day...

Starting with a wonderful sitting at GBF, followed by later by an unexpected call from and unusually long conversation with the usually phone-phobic t-Rex. I thought he'd left GBF without saying goodbye. I was little sad about that, but shrugged it off figuring he probably had something pressing to do. Turns out, he was still there and I left without saying bye to him. Go figure. Anyway, the unexpect chat was nice. :-)

Then, I got some work done on my podcast, qsw, and blog, before heading off for some quality time the Eagle. I made sure to post up signs for my "work" work, and set out the flyers for our study. I also set out some promo material for Queer Sex Weekly. BTW, I'm SOOO psyched, I already have over 100 subscribers! How cool is that?!

Then a relaxed afternoon of merriment ensued with copious amounts of beer and some funny little cigarettes were being passed around. Can't imagine what it was but suddenly THE MUSIC WAS GREAT. ;-)

Came home and some dinner and a bit of "Six Feet Under," and then more research and stuff for the podcast.

Not a bad day at all!

peace,
5x5

Greetings and Salutations!

I apologize if it's really bad form to cross post. People always seem to apologize for that, so I guess is must be some what of a no-no in blogging. However, the communities I'm cross posting to all seem pretty germane to what I wanted to share in this post. However, if it does piss off or annoy any of you, I'm sorry about that! Mea culpa. Now, let's go to that generous, loving, forgiving place deep inside... Breathe... breathe... Okay, I'm sure we're all better, right?

So, hey, I wanted introduce my brand-spanking-new podcast, qsw. I just posted the inaugural episode, and I'm very, very psyched about it. Basically, it's a podcast about something near and dear my heart, and I'm thinking probably pretty near and dear to many of you out there, namely, Queer Sex! And I'm talking about queer sex in all is wide-ranging, delicious diversity. From vanilla fags and monogamist folks, to poly queers and leather daddys (and mammas), from porn stars to sex workers to button-down corporate queers.

I hope it will be a sex-positive, kink-affirming, poly-supportive show that explores queer sex from all different kinds of angles, in most inclusive way possible. I believe almost everything intersects our sexual selves in one way or another. From the obvious connections like sexual health topics such as condom use and negotiated safety agreements, to how we come out (as gay, or as kinky, or as poly, etc.) to family/friends from outside our scene. From how race, class, size, age, sex and gender-expression all color our experience of sexuality, to how we craft on our individualized concept of eroticism. I hope the conversations that shape the content of the show will touch on things like body-image, internalized homophobia and sex-phobia, the facinating intersections between spirituality and queer sex -- just to name a few areas that would be cool to explore.

Most of all, I hope the show will be shaped by men and women who choose to join in on the conversation. To borrow a phrase, there are surely 1001 queer stories in the naked city. Most of them damn sexy, if you look close enough. So let's get talking! Swing by my corner of the podcasting universe and check out Queer Sex Weekly. Hope to see you there!

peace,
5x5

Today was my day to recover from my Birthday Reveleries.

I'm lucky enough to be stretching my celebrations out across a whole week of festive gatherings. Things got off to a wonderful start with a great sitting at Gay Buddhist Fellowship this Sunday, followed by a wonderful brunch with t-Rex. It had been quite a while since our last meeting and it was really nice to spend time together and see where we are at in our complicated friendship. Then, right after brunch I dashed over to the Castro to attend Gay Men's Buddhist Sangha. The featured speaker was the Buddhist nun Robina Courtin, a longtime practioner of the Tibet tradition, based here in San Francisco. I completely energized by her amazing talk. I've never hear such nuanced interpretation of Buddhist philosophy put into such accessible and entertainly language. She was just brilliantly straight forward and plain-spoken, and all with charming Australian accent, which made it sometimes feel like Dharma by French & Saunders. Her discussion of the nature of attachment versus love was particularly significant for me, and really helped me be more aware of ways in which I was making unhealthy attachments to t-Rex, and that I could love him in a different way that would probably better meet both of our needs, and bring us both greater peace, equanimity and joy. In essence, I realize I've been "falling in love" with t-Rex, which that delusional, unhealthy, crazy kind of love, and I need to step back and see what that's about, why I keep trying to make these kinds of "attachment" relatedness to t-Rex, as if he would make me happy, or being with him would make me happy, when what I really need to do is find ways to be happy unto myself, so that when I am with t-Rex, I can be happy WITH him, not because of him.

So, high-mindedness aside, I plowed thru an unremarkable Monday except that I made good progress on some necessary work for my MPH work and my "work" work. I also made progress some personal booking stuff that I'd had a mind to get completed all thru this long school break that is very soon coming to a close. I'm actually quite proud of myself as I look back on a pretty ambitious list of tasks that I set out to accomplish during my school break, and I've gotten almost all of the major items accomplished. And I still have a few more days to take finish off a few other chores on that list.

As for the big day itself, Tuesday, well the fun part began with a delightful lunch with my sexy buddy RH, who is in my MPH program. A tall, tan Latino man with a dazzling smile and exquisite hazel eyes. Ay, such a hottie. We had a great time catching up over Korean BBQ and Tempura. Then, I had some time to straighten things up around the house in between calls from friends and family, wishing me a happy birthday.

Then the main event got underway with the arrival of my buddy NJB, a fellow HIV prevention research guy (though we work on very separate projects). NJB and I have met up once or twice before for cocktails and well, just cock. We also discovered that we both share a fondness for herb and for bent humor, especially Strangers With Candy, the seriously twisted Comedy Central series starring Amy Sedaris. It didn't take long for us to get down to business with a bottle of champagne, some damn fine smokey-treats and a big fat pizza. It was heavenly. Oh, and we also of course had a nice go at hot, sweaty sex. And I got to get a tiny bit more practice with my little birthday present to self... Some high-quality leather wrist restraints and heavy leather flogger. NJB was a quite a sport in taking some practice licks... even though, as I reflect on the event, it occurs to me that it's usually the birthday boy that gets beat! Oh well... not this time!

After a fairly a pretty good run of Strangers w/ Candy episodes, poor NJB's allergies got the best of him, and he headed back to his place. I kept the party going, though, with a solo DVD nite of comedies and some back to back Buffys. I'm at the end of Season Six Disc One, I think.

Today was mostly recovery time. But I did get some good stuff done for work, and more stuff around my personal accounting. And, believe it or not, I finally got my first episode of Queer Sex Weekly !! I'm still kind of in shock about it myself!

Now, I have to get the show notes page up and running, and get my libsyn account set up. But now at least, the tough part is in the bag!

peace,
5x5

You know life is good when the date you had penciled in for a one hour “coffee date,” stretches into a five hour marathon romp of talking, kissing, fucking, talking more, kissing more, fucking more, a long hot bubble bath, more talking, more kissing, more talking… etc.

That was how I spent my afternoon, and I must say I’m really floating on a beautiful endorphin rush right now. And truth to tell, it’s a very welcome change, in contrast to the last couple of weeks in which I’ve felt somewhat down and sad.

I’ve moped a bit, as I have come to terms with re-shaping my hopes of what would come of my friendship with t-Rex. I remain delighted to have such an amazing man in my circle of friends. It is no sad state of affairs to have made love to him, to have come to know his intelligence, his energy, his compassion and his spiritual awareness. If our path should meander away from sex and romantic attachment, and toward a different kind of caring and connected friendship, then really, I think that is something I can embrace, and happily count along side others in the embarassment of riches that I call a Beloved Community, or HeartCircle.

Of course, nothing helps encourage such expansiveness of vision, such generosity of spirit than a huge mondo blast of endorphins from a five hour fuck! Ironically enough, he’s a married man! ;-) Ah, but there is a difference from my previous married-man experiences. Finally, I’ve met a gay boy who gets polyamory, or at least gets the basics of being open and honest with his partner. Truth is, however, I almost didn’t even meet up with him.

First, let me give “him” a name. For this forum, for now, I will call him “E.” And I can honestly say now that I’ve been high on “E.” And I can totally see this being habit-forming. LOL… Okay, so, anyway we met, innocently enough, at Café Flore this Monday, MLK Day. We chatted and flirted briefly and then exchanged cards. I called the next day to see if we might set up a date. His first question was, “so just to be clear, what are you looking for?” Well, that sent up a huge red flag, so I responded, “well, that would depend on what happens we meet and see how we connect.” But having my suspicions, as well as my loins, arroused by E, I added, “so, do you have a boyfriend.” To which he said yes. “Of course, you do. I ONLY meet men who already have partners. It’s what I’m famous for!” Grrrrr! I was so frustrated and disappointed! Another cute, sexy guy happy to hook up and fuck, but already invested in a relationship with someone else!

I almost gave up right there. But we talked a bit more. I said how I really believe in polyamory, and that open, honest non-monogamy can be a great thing. But that my experience has been that connecting with men in “open arrangements” was not meeting my needs for real connection and companionship. He totally understood and was cool if I just wanted to call things off, but then he added, “well, you know, you sound like a sweet guy, and I do have some single friends, maybe I could help introduce you to some of them.” He then started to tell me about one of his most “eligible” single friends, and we talked about that and dating, and then we got back to us. By that time, I had a strong sense that E was a really cool guy, and I remembered too what a hottie he was, so I said, “you know, I’m always happy to make new friends. Why don’t we go ahead a grab some coffee or tea and get to know each other.”

After rangling around with logistics, and as my curiousity and horniness grew, I eventually said, “you know, if you’re gonna come over here to the Mission anyway, why don’t we just meet at my place? I have coffee and a million kinds of tea anyway, so why pay at a café, we can enjoy it here at my place for free.”

Of course we were both aware that that jumped the odds of us having at least an exploratory fuck up by about a thousand percent. And so it was that E paid me a visit today around noon, for what I still thought might just be an hour of tea and conversation. I had a funny little sliding scale in my head, with the imporance of not screwing up the potential new BF that his single friend might represent, versus getting it on with the very sexy E right then and there.

As soon as he arrived our conversation took flight and we were two very chatty little peas in a pod, I must say. It was quickly clear that he does communicate well and very honestly with his partner, which came as a great relief. We also quickly discovered in one of those “it’s a small world after all” moments that I’d actually met his partner, “J” the night before, as we are both members of the SF Department of Public Health Community Advisory Board (the DPH CAB) for HIV Prevention Research. In retrospect it was funny, because when I set up my date with E, I was rushing off to that CAB meeting, and so was J – it was J’s first CAB meeting. The previous day, E told J, “yeah, I met this cute guy at Café Flore and he gave me his card. He’s so my type, we’ll see what happens.” Then when J got back from the CAB meeting, E told him he’d made a date with “that cute boy from Café Flore.” So, strangly enough, a half hour after I made a date with E, I was unknowingly, shaking hands with and introducing myself to his lover!

I was so pleased at how open and honest they were with each other. I was also very pleased that E was really taking some time to get to know me and not trying to jump immediately to fucking. After probably nearly two hours of easy, very fun conversation, things finally started to heat up… then we spent the next two hours in some of the hottest, most sweet and sensual, and SUPER connected sex I’ve had in a very long time. Another cool aspect of our sex was taking time post-fuck just to be quiet together, to easy out of what was a very intense fuck.

Then we progressed to a long relaxing soak in my old Victorian claw-foot tub, and lots more conversation, which continued on and on and on, after we’d gotten out, dried off, and put clothes back on. I had a huge load of work I was supposed to have done, and he had friends we was supposed to meet, and yet we couldn’t seem to break off our conversation. He has to be the chattiest boy I’ve ever been with, which is such a damn auspicious start, in my opinion!

We’ve made tentative plans to see each other the evening of my birthday. I had been holding off, hoping to find just the right way to celebrate my B-Day. I’ve had fairly spotty history for birthday celebrations. From sharing pizza with a friend in Phuket, Thailand (I know it sounds fucked up, but it was actually okay, because I’d been eating amazing Thai food for breakfast lunch and dinner for about a week at that point, so I was eager for anything that wasn’t Thai on my b-day, and pizza was THE alternative on the island—and the company, my sweet Thai friend, was perfect) to being dumped by a less-than-cool buddy in Puerta Vallarta, and then nearly raped by a friend of his back at his apartment. The apex of my B-Day celebrations was probably a dazzling long weekend I had in Cancun with a smart, funny and quite well hung buddy back when I’d first started working for Continental Airlines.

As spectacular as my first encounter with E was today, I have high hopes that I’ll be spending some quality time on E again for my birthday (or maybe E will have some quality time on Five!!), --that could well vy for the high-water-mark of my recent birthday adventures. We’ll see!

Oh, btw, bonus points for E, too, for being a hella sexy, slim latino boy, with a hot little goatee, and the potential to be a deliciously hairy boy, if only he didn’t shave for his biking/triathalon interests. I’ll keep you posted…

As anyone who looks back on my previous entries will know, I have been and continue to be the Amazing Married Man Magnet. And that has caused me a great deal of frustration. Of course, I affirm all kinds of living and loving arrangements, whatever works for the people involved is cool by me, as long as everyone is fully informed of and freely consenting to the arrangement. However, the reality of how these issues have played out in my connections with partnered guys has frequently not met my needs for companionship, commitment and caring. And so it has been with my dear friend Marko. As my connection with him has progressed and changed, I’ve come to see how these issues have been at the root of the challenges we’ve experienced together.

Marko has a complicated but very devoted relationship with his primary partner. Though I’ve never met this man, I feel for him, and I want to support their loving partnership. However, as a result of the demands both from his primary relationship and other work/home-life issues, my meetings with Marko are few and far between… say once every few months. As my relationship with Todd has unfolded that was cool by me, really, even though I missed the unique qualities I enjoy about Marko, and that have made the times we have spent together so lovely. Now, I might be able to accept and work with very sporadic visits, but one barrier I have never been able to reconcile completely is Marko’s inability to be open about our connection as friends and lovers with his partner. The full knowledge and free and willing consent of all parties concerned is a major element of healthy polyamory. I know this, and I also know that that is rarely the case for gay men in “open relationships.” At least, that’s been my experience.

For complicated reasons I can’t go into, he does not feel he can tell his partner about me, even though they do have an agreement that permits some outside play. Aside, from feeling conflicted about how my relationship with Marko might hurt his partner, I also feel a more direct negative impact. Because our connection is kept a secret, I feel I can’t call Marko just to talk like I might with other friends. For that reason, and others, Marko has little time at all to share with me, even to call and talk, or shoot off emails. I don’t really fault him. He doesn’t owe anything to me. But I suppose that I’ve just become increasingly aware that our relationship is not meeting my needs, and while there are many qualities I admire about Marko, I think our friendship (we haven’t actually had sex is months anyway, so sex has little to do with it) is not what I hoped it might be. As a result, I have needed to re-evaluate where he fits in constellation of my Beloved Community.

I think I’ve noted previously that working on my loving relationships with men is another of my new years resolutions. So part of my reflections here are a part of figuring out my baseline of meaningful relationships with men. I wish I could say that there was more there between Marko and me. I still feel he is a remarkable, unique and beautiful spirit. However, a sober assessment of what has passed between us tells me that for the time being, I need to focus my attention on developing other connections

Greetings one and all. I'd like to wish everyone a wonderful MLK Day. It is an opportunity for us all to reflect on the life of this great humanitarian. I thought it might best honor Dr. King's memory, to share a selection of some of his own words. Some quotes that I find particularly meaningful and illuminating, particularly in our dark time, of global tension, fear and oppression. An oppression most often wrought by our own sadly mis-guided nation. At a time when we our so-called leaders, mis-lead at every opportunity, and when corruption and exploitation of the poor and the vulnerable seem to be our over-riding social policy coming out of Washington, it is timely indeed to hear once again Dr. King's inspiring faith in the power of nonviolent action for social change.

May peace be with us all on this MLK day. And may our hearts and minds not forget those around the globe, and here in our own country, who, due to violence, hunger, addiction, poverty and hopelessness will know no peace on this day of remembrance and reflection for a great man too soon taken from us.

5x5
in San Francisco

•••

Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Everybody can be great... because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Everything that we see is a shadow cast by that which we do not see.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Have we not come to such an impasse in the modern world that we must love our enemies - or else? The chain reaction of evil - hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars - must be broken, or else we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Hey there,

Thought it was time I shared another public posting here. I got my Dharma on today... twice. Another of my resolutions for the New Year, focuses on developing my spiritual connection. As I think I've noted here before, I'd been curious about the gay Buddhist groups here in SF, particularly the one that my dear friend t-Rex attends, which is conveniently located only a few blocks from my apartment. Well, as has been my habit lately, I stayed up way late, and had trouble getting up. I missed the sitting, but caught the Dharma talk which was good. But I really have wanted to get in more meditation time. I felt a need for it.

t-Rex and I have been going through some transition. Moving away somewhat from having a dating connection, to being more friends, which has brought some sadness and disappointment my way. (Our dharma talk today included a interesting comment about not identifying in so intense and personal way with the suffering you experience by saying things like, "I'm grieving," or "I'm depressed," instead recognizing it as a feeling that is happening, but not your essential state... as one who really values words, and the power of words and language, I think there's something very cool and interesting in that observation). Anyway, "sadness" has been present for me lately, particularly in relation to my intimate connections with men. And here, for once, I don't mean fucking. But just a sadness, and perhaps a sense of loneliness, with regard to my connections with other men. Another of those resolutions was around cultivating more relationships with men that reflect real caring and connection.

As I've tried to consider these issues, and understand the meaning of my feelings, and the significance of my varied friendships, I've found meditation to be a useful tool. And Dharma talks have also been helpful. In fact, my second dose of dharma for today took place at one of SF's other gay Buddhist sanghas... so far I think I've counted about four different gay Buddhist sanghas... and I'm hitting another of them tomorrow. Maybe I'm turning into a Dharma-holic?! LOL... I digress, though. So at my second Buddhist event, this time with the SF Gay Men's Buddhist Sangha, included a half hour sitting, followed by a dharma speaker from the Center for Nonviolent Communication. While the topic was not explicitly Buddhist, it dovetailed amazingly well with a lot of the Buddhist teachings I've heard and read.

There are four steps in their method of nonviolent communication, and they went over these in some depth. First, there is observation (without judgement). Second, is identifying your feelings in relation to your observations. Third is looking at the needs in which your feelings are rooted. And finally, after looking at that, making a request that would help meet your needs in relation to what you have observed. The idea, is to recognize the other party's needs as well as your own, and try to seek out ways that honors the needs of all those involved. And it also touchs on the ideas of power with, as opposed to power OVER another.

There was much more I could relate, and I hope to note for myself (if not posterity) how this relates to my feelings around t-Rex. It really was helpful. And part of that was in looking at what my feelings were in relation to my recent quasi-"let's be friends" talk w/ t-Rex, and also part of it was taking that next step, and looking what needs I felt that seemed to not be met, or seemed be threatened by what he was telling me. I realized to some degree (further reflection still is in order, undoubtedly) that the sadness and hurt that I felt was rooted in a need to feel a true and meaningful connection with other men. And my friendship with t-Rex was this really cool, wonderful new loving friendship, and I think I felt very afraid that I was losing that, which had come to mean so much. With reflection, I can see that that was not really being taken away. That t-Rex and I still have a cool friendship. And that the experience of developing that friendship with him, has deepened my capacity and skills in relating to another man, in ways that are enhancing other meaningful friendships I have with men in my life. So, really, not such a terribly thing.

Again, there's more I'd like to say on this score, but it's late and I should get to bed. A busy day ahead, as usual. It's amazing how fast time is flying by. And I'm dreading the return to school. I have no idea how I'll get everything done once we're back in school. Wish me luck!

peace and love,
5x5

So it's my first entry here for 2006.

I was going over my resolutions, and one is to write here more regularly, even if the entries are private ones that are not visible to the public. Another is getting that damn podcast up and running. Others focus around school (continuing to get good grades, do good work in the program), health (eating more vegitarian, getting more exercise) and finances (paying down that credit card debt, saving more). The part, though, that's been occupying my thoughts the most, though, has more to with the spiritual side.

Lately I've been increasinly aware of the many interconnections between my interest in Buddhism, meditation, Tantra and leather sex. I find that all of these practices are rooted in a heightened mindfulness. One my great struggles in trying to incorporate Buddhism into my life has been about being present (in the NOW) and aware. And also around relationships and attachments. Today I went to the Gay Buddhist Fellowship for the first time. I've read Buddhist teachings for some time. And I had visited a Buddhist meditation group that meets at the SF LGBT Center once before. Also, I've seen flyers for a couple of different gay Buddhist groups around town, and so the idea of going has been kind of quietly simmering in the back of my mind for some time.

Then, I met and got to know a special friend that I'll call t-Rex here. t-Rex has been exploring Buddhism for quite a while, and is a long standing member of the Gay Buddhist Fellowship (GBF). For a while, I wanted to go, but I felt a little weirdness at going to t-Rex's group, because he and I were/are kinda dating, and I didn't want him feel like I was stalking him at his spiritual practice. Now that he and I have gotten to be good friends and know each other better, I felt less strange in going to the group. So, as I said, this was my first time to attend GBF, and I really enjoyed it.

At sessions begin with 30 minutes of silent meditation, followed usually by a Dharma talk, although some Sundays, they break into small groups and just have a discussion. Today was a Dharma talk, and it was very interesting. A woman named Susan Moon talked about her experience doing a month-long solitary retreat. The turn out for GBF was great. A lot more people than I expected. There were easily 50 men in attendance. I'm really looking forward to the next time I see t-Rex, who actually wasn't at today's session, as he had to work. But I can't wait to share with him my thoughts and expereince there.

After the sitting and discussion the group usually adjourns to share a meal together, however I had a beautiful kitten imprisoned in my bathroom, and I really needed to get home so she could be let out into the rest of the apartment. The kitten is the lastest addition to my family. And a sweet, delightful creature she is! However, my elderly adult cat finds her a little less than delightful. And though the kitten LOVES my older cat, her method of demonstrating her affection (usually, a great running leap, or pouncing on the older cat whenever he isn't looking) usually has the effect of annoying the hell out of the big guy. Add to this, the fact that kitten gave Big Cat a cold, and the poor thing is feeling very listless and sneezing all the time, I felt like he really need to some time to relax. Hence, kitten in the bathroom whenever, I'm not around.

Well, I gotta get on to work, so much to get done today. Hopefully I'll be a bit better about recording thoughts here in 2006. We'll see!


peace,
5x5

Hey there,

Feeling a bit of post-xmas blues, combined with a lame-ass cold, and the fact that several good friends are out of town, or (like me) out of commission due to colds. I've gone some good work done on my pay-the-bills job, though, which is cool. It doesn't help my outlook at all that it seems eternally grey and on the verge of raining... if not actually actually raining. That's San Francisco in the winter, I know. But it's still kind of a bummer.

I've also been frustrated by some technical problems in getting my podcast off the ground. I've got some great interviews, but I'm having a tough time editing it all together. I had also hoped to cop some free podcasting support and advice from by old, dear friend, <lj user="cunningminx>, but that poor gal has been terribly ill. On the up-side, I talked one of my favorite hetero friends, Tish, who along with her amazingly cool husband, Rick, are just about two of the coolest people I've ever met. We all met in a small Turkish town on the Aegean coast, Selcuk. I'd been wandering around Turkey for about a week and half. They, on the other hand, had been wandering around the world for the better part of a year. Once we discovered each other and that we shared a common hometown (San Francisco), we quickly learned that we had lots more in common, as progressive adventurers with big hearts and critical minds. How I love those two. Well, the fates conspired against us a bit, because after their year-around-the-world tour, they settled up in a charming little house up in the wine country an hour or two from San Fran, and then a year or less later, they moved to Minneapolis, where they have some family, and where they have started in their own family. I am so happy for them, but a little sad, as well well, because I'd sure love to have her close by in SF. It was a great treat, though, today, to get to catch up a bit about what all has happened to them. And I was thrilled to learn that they may be back in San Fran to visit old friend this spring! I can't wait! Okay, I'm gonna draw this to a close, and try to get a little something accomplished on my podcast! Please folks, send me some good vibes and prayers to the techno-gods to have mercy on this silly homo, thinkin' he knows something about New Media Technology. :-P peace and love, 5x5

Try as I might, I still have a trace of a Texas accent. And after a couple of cocktails, I have more than just a trace.

Like many whose circuitous paths have led them here to the Golden State, I came to California, in part, with the expectation that I could be something and someone different here than I might have been back in Texas. And I think that has been the case. That's not to say that its the right path for everyone. The road to growth, enlightenment and actualization is a metaphorical path that can meander through any community from Berkeley to Beirut, from big cities to country towns. As the Persian poet Hafiz wrote, "This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you." Having said that, for most of the last decade, the place God circled on a map for me has been San Francisco.

Living in this mythic city, which in fact has reinvented itself several times (from the ashes of 1906; from the Summer of Love and psychedelia of 60s & 70s; from tech bubble at the turn-of-the-millennium), I have found great freedom to be honest, open and authentic. With the possible exception of Amsterdam, I doubt there's any other place in the world where one would experience as much freedom of speech, dress, thought, action and sexual expression. You have to go pretty damn far out to leave the currents of "mainstream thought" in San Francisco. And that is to be celebrated.

It's also a far cry from my experiences growing up in Dallas. The watchwords of much of my Dallas experience were homophobia, sexism, machismo, hubris, greed, racism, classism, obedience, conformity and the harsh repression of anything that smacked of eccentricity, creativity or progressive thought.

Let me hasten to add, however, not all that I experienced and learned growing up in Texas was so dreadful and dire. Texas did teach me the value of small acts of simple kindness. It taught me the value of neighborliness and enduring friendship. And it taught me that despite a swelter of injustice and a drought of opportunity, occasionally in the most unlikely of places, miraculous things take root and blossom, like a Barbara Jordan, a Molly Ivins or an Ann Richards.

More importantly, two heroic figures profoundly shaped my experiences back in Texas, my parents. My brother and I were given the staggering blessing of two parents who made parenting the center of their lives. Our parents were and are crazy about each other, and even more crazy about their kids. My brother and I were, on the one hand, spoiled rotten. On the other, we experienced structure, order, love beyond all measure and unmistakable expectations. We would get good grades. No negotiation. We would treat elders with respect. No negotiation. Would not lie, cheat or steal. No negotiation. Other things, try as they might, did require some cajoling and convincing. Eventually, though, we did learn to act polite, well-mannered and civilized, at least in public. We did learn to be kind and generous with family, friends, church and community. And, I think, most importantly we learned to always be able to laugh at ourselves and at adversity.

My parents never expected to me to arrive with a massively deformed heart, and then over near death's door for several years. They weren't planning on a child whose medical care would require so much of their lives be re-ordered just to manage earning a living, paying the bills and raising my then-seven-year-old brother. They did not anticipate hospitals bills spiraling into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. And after all that, they didn't expect or ask for a child who was gay, much less gay and kinky, and even further less, a gay, kinky son that would then write and talk about it publicly. We're not Jewish, but "Oy-vay!"

And yet, one other lesson they taught me from all that they experienced was that despite whatever you thought you wanted in life, you take what you get. And if you stay with it, hold it, and really experience it, you often find something beautiful, profound and transformative. Patience, in the end, really is a virtue.