Ah, i've been looking for something MEANINGFUL to blog about and i searched high and low for the right one. So, here it is:
What mistake made in my youth do i regret now?
I believe the biggest mistakes of my youth was trying to end it all before I reached my full potential. I never thought I would regret being suicidal, or even being at risk. I believed I was right then, but in retrospect, I have such a good life right now...I wonder what would have been different?
I wasn't in your pitiful excuse for teenage depression. I see the results that of which I struggle with up until this very point. I've struggled with extreme self-esteem issues since I was very young (8, to be exact) and it continued on through adolesence and even until today, many things I question based on external aesthetics. That meaning, I was already at a low point. Then, the end of my freshman year I became involved with a guy who wasn't very good for me and my well-being. I struggled with that relationship and with all others, indeed. After 8 hard months, we broke up. At 15, after having been through the longest relationship of my teenage years, we broke up on the day of our 8 month anniversary. Following that, we didn't date...but pursued a "beneficial" relationship after that, if you recognize the inuendo of the latter. Though, I also dated around, I suffered horribly. My self esteem severely plummeted. I felt no self worth. I felt I had no meaning. My pathetic amount of self esteem before meeting him hooked on to him, whether he liked it or not, and from then on depended on him, because there was no other sense of stability, or worth, since i had known none.
And after him, I, too, plummeted. I suffered all around, and it wasn't just my esteem that felt the results. I couldn't sleep at night, I was in aches and pains, often (*note, I suffer from aches/pains/migraines&headaches if I get overwhelmed/flustered, which is easy for me to do), I slept through classes (and those saw effects), I was cranky and angry and upset, hopeless...and well...what you could honestly say depressed. I felt hopeless and worthless. Everyone's dependency lingered and eventually cast it's way in another direction that wasn't me, which was hard because I felt I could not put up with everyone else's shit, if I could not keep my own together. This was a difficult step for me, because I had always been the girl that everyone came to.
Going back to the "beneficial" relationship, I pursued others such as a girl in high school would, and this was regardless of what "benefits" I was receiving from internal resources. I dated a few boys here and there, but every break up was the result of a girl stuck on a boy, and all in all, I just proved to myself that I was unsuccessful in being happy because I couldn't jump over the biggest hurdle of all.
Self multilation also took part in the festivities. This, in itself, is an issue that I deal with through different therapeutic aides. However, mutilation has been my friend since I was 11. The worse things got, the more it was obvious. And my obvious...it was so bad, it was obvious. It only worsened.
Doors were quickly shutting, and windows wouldn't budge open, before I knew it, I was cornered in. Or atleast, that I felt. And hence, I tried pills for the first time.
- woman are more likely to attempt suicide then men
- men are 3 times as likely to succeed in suicide (because of the methods they choose)
- pill taking is the most often used, but it takes a heavy dosage (multiple thousands of mgs) to do immeadiate damage, so it's often considered a cry for help instead of a suicide attempt
- pills are the least likely to work, because of the latter
It wouldn't be my last. It was scary. Facing life again the next morning was a dissapointment. But in retrospect, I thank God everyday for the many chances He's given me after my mortal mistakes.
So, again, the question: What mistake made in my youth do i regret now?
I regret this pain-staking series of events, but even more so, my risks at letting my life get out of hand and away from me. I regret not suffering from teenage depression, or being a suicide risk. I regret not seeking help, I regret not letting anyone help me, and I regret letting it go so far as to make me believe I wasn't worth my own life.
Today, I live the best life, ever! I honestly love my life. I date a wonderful guy, and in a few short days we'll celebrate 15 months together! I've gotten in touch with God, so much so, that I see my future being involved with His plan for me. I've been busy with school and even more recently getting involved with extra-curricular activities (my favorite being those that are piously-related.) I've got college on my hands and that scares me more than anything in the world...but it's the plate I was served and I'm glad! It gets hectic, and overwhelming, sometimes. It gets out of hand (not too far, of course) and I get a little crazy. But it's my life and I believe i'm worth it.
[for those who have read, thank you; you've read all the words my conselours, and therapists and social workers have read, and i feel so relieved that i can now talk about it, openly and not be ashamed...it's a feeling...a good one...and i needed it]