As long as I live, I will probably never run out of life challenges, but one day I will conquer e
very last one of them. That's a promise.
When I was 2 an iron fell on my arm... all the way through elementary school they called me frankengirl.
When I was 8 I was molested by a 13 year old... which i didn't remember until the week after i got married the first time... i ended up getting divorced.
When I was 10 my dad attempted suicide and was briefly in a coma.
When I was 19 i overdosed on ecstasy and when i'm assuming was methamphetamine (i'm assuming because i had not before nor have i since this incident touched the damn stuff). I had a TIA (mini stroke) and suffered neurological damage for a while there.
When I was 22 i got into this crazy whirlwind of a relationship that ended up being crazy and violent and...
When I was 24 the guy died but he did it in some fucking heroic way so even though he was a violent, manipulative abuser everyone has super good memories and all this shit about him... which made me crazy for a long time, and still fucks with my head... but i'm not angry anymore just confused.
Yeah, I've been through a ton of other stuff but these are the big things that have been challenges for me... at least the ones that left an imprint.
Anyway, I'm not sure i' say that I'm a better person because of them. I'd say I'm a completely different person because of them...
My mother leaving me and my sister. My mother want the best mother, hell, she wasnt a mother at all to me. She got hooked on drugs, and had the chance to stop, but chose them over her two children. I used to hate living with her, but I loved it at the same time. She didnt really hound me about bad grades, not being out late, not doing this, not doing that, blah blah. I toke care of my sister for most of her life before my mother left. I would come home from school, attempt to cook her something for dinner, and make her do her homework. Then, I would let her go out for alittle when my mom first came home, cause she was always in a bad mood when she first came home. She hated working. After like 2 hours of fighting, I would get in the sower, bath my sister, and leave for alittle. Most of the time I would just go to the local park and just relax with my music. Then, when i came home, I would put my sister to bed, wait for my mom to go to bed, and grab something 2 eat. During th summer, I would take my dinner outside, by sneaking out my room window. That would usually be at like 11 at night.
when she left, me and my sister were split, but we still see each other. She went to live with her dad, and I went to live with mine. I think this made me a better person because it kept me out of trouble. I could have joined a gang, did drugs like my mother, become an alcoholic, anything. But i turned out ok because of my sister. She was my like insperation to keep myself out of trouble.
Depression is a daily uphill battle for me, One that i thought i had won at one point some time ago but i have found myself in the same state of mind as i once had been in.
The first time around I was incredibly angry, Mostly at myself for coming out as bisexual to my peers in middle school, Which i now know is way to early to know if you really are intrested in that same sex or not. I wouldnt let myself think of the Sexual part of being biSEXUAL when i was at that age, so didnt really know if i was or not. But either way, i still got alot of shit for it. I was pulled out of public school and my parents homeschooled me, I was lonely, i had lost every single one of my friends. I didnt just lose them, they became my enemies. I couldnt show my face at that school or to anyone that went to that school without thinking they were whispering "dyke" behind me. I was overwhelmingly sad, i attempted suicide twice, and i was barely 13. I Got myself out of that by excersizing often and that worked for about 2 years. Then I got into Marijuana pretty heavily and it eventually started messing with my brain, so much that i was becoming depressed again. Id have Panic attacks out of nowhere, images of knives slicing my arms open, or the gun i knew was in the front seat of my parents car pressed against the side of my head would flash before my eyes, and id cry myself to sleep everynight for months, i was absolutly terrified of what i would do. Inbetween the attacks the suicidal thoughts would still linger. I found it hard to make it threw a single day without wanting to grab for the nearest sharpest object to kill myslef with. It was terrible. I eventually Got use to the panic attacks, and learned to control them, Needless to say, ive stopped smoking pot since & Its been a year now, and i still trouble with it, but because of that Ive learned to channel all of that energy into some form of art, the kind of art that i believe will someday help someone threw a similar situation.
I was in the United States Navy for 8 years and during that time I went through a lot of changes-like learning how to control my temper, taking orders no matter how stupid they sounded at the time, and when I was overseas, I learned what it is like to be forced to take a buddy on liberty. I like to be alone.
Definately being criticized and bullied by girls in school . not like 'gimmmme your lunch money' kind of bullying, but the behind the scenes stuff like gossiping and rumor spreading . that hurts the most . but you have to just rise above the negativity and realize that their opinions shouldnt matter to you .
Ummm.. I'm currently overcoming my fear of talking to people. I was picked on in school and it really did a number on my selfesteem. I'm slowly retuning to being that outgoing little girl I used to be.
I would say I have top 2 in my life. The first one was picking up and moving away from my friends and family in Arizona to move to Washington for a new job promotion. Unfortunately I was laid of from my new job due to lack of work, but it gave me the motivation I needed to move from a place I hated, but I miss my family and friends.
The second one was joining a band called AEO, I was lead singer for a time and we played in coffee shops and at a Folk Festival in Flagstaff Arizona. My best friend and my boyfriend both pushed me to get up on that stage, but I had the courage to stay on it.
I had to give up the band to move to Washington, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever done and I miss it greatly.
Both of these things have made me a much stronger person today, and I would only change one thing, enjoy more of my time with Aeo knowing now that it didn't last near long enough....
Having been married to two of the most narcissistic men imaginable, who somehow managed to blame all their problems on me (and I naively believed it at the time - no more!). Finally at 40 I know their problems are THEIR problems, not mine. Also having to deal with a husband's ex and an ex's new wife, both of whom have serious insecurity and jealousy issues, yet I'm still able to extend a helping hand to them despite the risk of it being gnawed off in the process. I can't let nasty negative people change who I am, drag me down to their level.