In terms of superficial movement behaviors, I haven't changed much. My mannerisms and demeanor, and therefore what people can sense about me remains pretty much the same, which I don't consider a good thing. When I'm relatively unaffected by the shame of having no strong and conventional interests or interesting things of substance to say (courtesy of depression) and lack of romantic experience, my updated mastery of social situations (i.e. charisma) shines through. That is to say, when I feel safe from being found out and judged afterward. In order for me to be satisfied with how much I've changed and be able to say I'm a better person in all ways, those external markers have to change, because it's been a really lonely experience being unable to connect deeply with anyone. Anyway, my knowledge and beliefs have only become more refined over time. I've further uncovered my true values and find myself much less attached to wealth and the propaganda of "success". With my increased understanding of things, my openness to the existence of divinity in some form has returned. And so, I've also considered that there might be more than this apparent existence, but I haven't abandoned logical consistency, so free will is still out of the question. Another thing is that I'm less divisive and spiteful in my thinking; because if separation is just an illusion, and we're all the same being, conflict will just maintain this painful illusion. A useful metaphor for my personal evolution might be a once grainy picture of an apple that resolves continuously; no matter how much time passes, it will only look more and more like an apple. On that same note, in a manner of speaking, I'm more myself than I've ever been.
Throughout my life, so far, I have been many different people. So has everybody; you act differently with your friends than you would your parents, different with teachers and authority figures than you do with your parents or friends.
Recently, however,I have been asking myself why should I?
Why should I not be as comfortable with my parents as I am my friends. Why do I treat those with authority any different than I treat my friends; after all aren't they doing the same thing, are we all not just relaying a perceived identity? If I met a policeman, off duty, in a bar would I suddenly change who I am and the way I acted the moment i found out he was a policeman?
I answered that question recently, and the answered scared me; yes I would.
And that was the point I decided I didn't like the me I had become. Why can we not just be us. Why can we not just be Emrys, or Jack or Jill, or whoever it is we chose to be. Not policeman, or teacher or any other thing that makes us a image or a statistic.
Now I'm not saying that you should go home and start swearing at your grandparents like a sailor because that's what you would do with the lads. You don't have to not say it just tone down the bloody swearing.
That risky story you told the girls the other day, why not tell your grandma. She would probably get as much of a kick out of it as they did and be able to tell you stories that make you blush, she did it all first.
Why not sometime see your friends as teachers, they may know things you would never have expected them to and are more useful to you than you could ever have imagined.
Life's too short to live multiple lives, so don't waste it on anyone but the one you want to live. So decide who you want to be and be it, with everyone.
The likelihood is quite a few people won't like you for it, experience dictates. My response to them:
If they can't accept you for who you chose to be then they were never good enough for you in the first place.
Life is your film, make sure it's an oscar winner.
Be safe, ALWAYS be you, be happy.
I have essentially remained the same, but I am different towards myself now. I was taught to be in a certain way, which I realised wasn't me. I started doubting and questioning myself about everything to know the truth. Now, I am fine again. I believe that any change that has to happen in you puts your mind on a wire walk. When anything affects you or takes a part of you away, your mind wants to leave the place it is in. Because it knows things will never be the same again and also that they should not be the same. Many things happen on the wire. When you realise it has left, it is already along its journey. You may start hiding then. A lot of thoughts, all inside. You may also struggle to stay in the same place. You cannot understand what is going on and why your thoughts won't just leave you. Even if you are wise enough to accept your thoughts, you don't understand people. "Isn't there just one person who understands what is on your mind?" You may feel jealous of everyone. You may pity yourself and blame everyone. But the thing is, it is you who is on a wire walk. And everybody can see you there. All those who are close to you can see you. They are encouraging you in their own way. Trying. And while up, you see them moving about and not caring. But what is happening is they are taking the roadway to your destination. And they do not mention anything to you simply because they don't want to disturb you and they simply don't know what to say. Another thing that happens on the wire is that you feel the distance. This distance is positive and negative. In one way, things might not be reaching you. You feel like you are not connecting or people are not connecting to you. Something reach you and settle in your brain. The ones which are rightly worded. Or the gestures that open you up. The positive side is that you can now see everything. Yo are much more aware, because you're up and your view has expanded. Youcan now actually look into people. This insight is beautiful, and scary at the same time.
While you're on the wire, you can feel everything, nothing and anything. You are so vulnerable. But know that, you're allowed to be completely screwed up. You are allowed to be tired. Sometimes, you have gotten the hang of the wire and you're all normal. That's when some worried people might ask you to tread carefully and you might not get it. "Everything is fine, why are they having a problem?" Well, that's because they can still see you on the wire. They're just looking out for you. You will get tired at times. You will want to stop. You will want to die. But it's best you go on. Because it is after a while that you can see the other side. The promising future. The one that everyone believed in and secretly you did too. Here, you weep for the past and you head fast towards the other side. Careful. You may be heading too fast. Nice and slow, all light. You may fall due to excitement and think it is not possible. But it actually is and you will know later that it always was. When you reach and you look back, you connect the dots. You now know that the key to balancing on the wire is to relax, keep going on and know you will succeed. It is overwhelming. That crystal clear vision that just makes you peaceful. Everything is just the way it is supposed to be. You realise how you have learnt so much and what the changes have been. You see who you love always there. And now you have a new normal to begin with. It will feel strange at first, you being so used to being cautious on the wire. But, you have yourself now. You are here.
This is how I feel I have changed and this is my analogy for it. :D
As you age you change. Yes, your appearance changes but so does your attitude and habits. When I was young the world was something that didn't bother you much. Remember when your Dad said, "What you don't see won't hurt you"? Now when I see what is going on I think of the young and the consequences of what they do. It seems to me that things happen too fast. You don't have the time to enjoy life and what it really means. Your mind is clouded with the insanity of things around you. The Internet, good or bad has changed the world. Things you are seeing and hearing now I never knew and now its hurting the young because the weak minded think its normal... Just read between the lines here and you will know what I mean...
I am completely different now, not so much different as a person, but the drive, perk and motivation I used to have, was much stronger and bigger than it is now. Now I am scorn and spiritually broken and trying to get my ass on track.
My views on the world have not changed, but I do realize that only you can make your own choices and decide if you want to be happy.
Oh gosh, I am so very very different in a hugely positive way. Im happier, more balanced, living my life in a much more healthy way - chasing my dreams and seeing progress towards them. That is a change well worth everything I went through to get here. I like where my life is at, where I am at as a person and how I see my life going in future.
I'm not even the same person I was three years ago. Three years ago I was in a very long term relationship that had, sadly, started going down a very unhealthy path. I was living off of family with no education and no place of my own.
Today my daughter and I have our own place by ourselves I got my GED and am now attending college for a degree in psych and certificate in counseling. I'm also dating someone that is independent and very supportive. I'm much happier and healthier.
"How different of a person are you now than you were several years ago?"
While I consider myself socially awkward in some aspects, I think I'm more sociable and outgoing than I was several years ago. Landing a job has definitely helped with that.
"Have you moved far away from what you used to know and believe, or have you essentially remained the same?"
My beliefs and political views have definitely changed over the years especially my views on reproductive justice. I used to be prolife/anti choice and completely ignorant about certain topics. Now, I consider myself pro choice and try to keep myself updated on what's going on in the world.
"What's the biggest change in your views of the world now versus the past?"
I guess I could say that I view the world more negatively now that I'm trying to keep up with current events. I do try to remain positive about life in general, though.
Umm...let me think about this... I moved out of my parent's place which I never thought I could do. I'm accepting help from others when I never did before. I keep track of my steps and strive to do better. I'm pushing myself to get a job that I want. I'm with a guy who loves me and doesn't hurt me. I still see life as confusing but I'm learning how to let myself open up.