Fear. I wish sometimes I could just kick it's ass kung fu style and be done with it. But you can't cut a phantom in half or knock it out with a one inch punch, or even a knee to the groin and run. Speaking of running, that only makes the phantom more real. All you can do is face it, and it blows by you as the dust in the wind that it is.
This question is interesting. I don't really know who my biggest bully would be. When I was a kid it was probably my sister, but as I grew up I don't recall having anyone else bully me, except maybe myself.
I had bullied myself into believing that things were a certain way or that things should be a certain way,
and I suppose it wasn't just myself who was doing the bullying, but popular culture who also unconsciously does the bullying.
Either way, I know a lot of bullies, but I refuse to let them affect me in a bad way.
I'm my own worst enemy or bully. I never compliment myself and when others do, I either ignore it or deny their claim. I wish I could NOT be a bully to myself, but with my early childhood and how life is right now, that would be extremely difficult to even begin to attempt. It's almost like the voices around my past and present are always nagging at me in my head and I can't seem to find the will to calm them, let alone try to stop them. It's terrifying sometimes to think that I've been digging my own grave for the past five or six years of my live. There are even times when I metaphoricly sleep in the hole I'm digging for myself and don't ever want to wake up. I feel like I'm going to die of some kind of heart failure or maybe a knife through the heart one day, but you never know. I might get better with this stuff eventually. Let's hope so.
I'm my biggest bully. I know that sounds like a cop-out or me trying to bs my way into sounding smarter or better than people, but it's honestly true. Everything I ever do, I attack myself for it. "Why didn't I start that sooner?" "Why didn't I study harder?" "Why am I so fucking fat? And lazy? And bitchy?" The questioning, no, interrogating, never ends. Each step is filled with self-doubt and self-war, and even though each step I take is a step closer in the direction of being happy or towards my goals, I'm still there, whispering in my own ear. "You'll never make it. You'll never amount to anything. No one cares about you, no one loves you." Of course, few people actually know this, but that's okay. It gets worse if I try to step forward and fail, thus having to take a step back. I'm right there, knocking myself over and snickering as I try to get up. I kick myself when I'm down, I beat myself to a pulp (mentally). I'm my own worst enemy, I'm my own bully.
I had a bully. She was such a raging bitch! She bullied me all throughout elementary school and through the 1st and 2nd years of middle school. She would pick on me and call me the scum of the earth, that my mom should've aborted me but she would mostly pick on me because of my looks. I was a skinny girl with really long hair and a cute little face while she was obese, had an ugly smooched in face covered in acne with a small afro that never grew. I'm really good at hiding my feelings but she would bring me to tears sometimes. But i wasn't the only victim, many were victims of her abuse. The 2nd year of middle school was HORRIBLE. I had gotten some curves and was getting a lot more attention from boys so she would call me a whore, slut, blah blah blah. My mom would talk to the principal and even talked the bully's mother but it only made things worse. But i remember the day I finally stood up for myself. I was in gym and we were playing hockey. She was goalie on my team and i was playing offense. The gym teacher left to go get something and while he was gone I missed a shot and she took off her helmet and started to cuss me out "You bitch! Can't you make a fucking shot?! Y-" smack! I cut her off mid-sentence and smacked in the face with a hockey stick. My cup had run over. I would NOT take her abuse any longer! I beat her up. The gym teacher and a couple of boys had to pull me off of her. Usually I don't fight and when I do I feel guilty about but this time was different. I felt so GOOD, it was nice to finally release all of my anger and hurt. But she wasn't feeling as good as me considering she had to go to the hospital. I was suspended but I really didn't give a damn. When I came back she tried her best to avoid me and we never had anymore problems. The last time I saw her, she was drunk in a bar and was very ignorant but I avoided her and had a good time. Karma is a BITCH.
My step-mother? Although, nowadays, I could careless. As a kid.. nothing was ever good enough to meet her artificially high standards. The standards were designed to excel her oldest son who was my younger step-brother. He was the "best" at everything; her kids had all the clothes but there was never enough money for me to get "new" clothes. I wore hand me down; in Page, AZ, that's not a good thing. Page is made up of 2nd generation people who think they are elitist but really are nothing more than the children of people who never left Page after the dam was built.
Today, I'm excessively successful and literally ... have no family. I guess I'm fine with that (aside from my little brothers Zeed and Del).
Oh, God, this brings back memories. Terrible memories. And tears to my eyes.
I was actually talking about this with my brother on the day this question was asked (although I had not seen the question) because I had bumped into the girl that used to bully me in elementary school.
First off, I want to give a brief background story, just to clarify why this was all caused. I was a premature baby, 6 1/2 months of fetal life, or whatever it's called, really. Because of this, I had to be wired and tubed and go through a lot of shit to become stable. One of those procedures caused for my left eye to lose its sight. So, you can say that since I was born, I cannot see with my left eye. All all. Just imagine being able to see your right side. I can't even see black with the left eye. To top it off, it's clear grayish-greenish-blueish, a total contrast from my brown iris. Oh, and it doesn't have a pupil. (That's fucked up, isn't it?)
So, back to the story....
Little kids don't know what they say or do sometimes, even if grown-ups get after them or tell them that it's not right.
2nd grade was the beginning of a terrible antagonism between the bully and me. I really don't know what the hell I did to have the girl pick on me (I know I didn't do a thing at all!), but she bullied me with everything she had. Mental and emotional pain is a lot crueler than physical pain.
She would call me names because of my left eye being different from my right one. So, being a sensitive, timid girl, I cried whenever she did this. My mother is a tough person, and she's a total lioness, or cheetah, or tiger, (or really I compare her to any tough female animal that's beautiful and can defend her cubs, or young, but she's mostly a cheetah), so she wasn't just going to leave her tiny cub fend for herself in the pool of cruelty. She talked to the teacher at least 6 times in that school year, and the girl still didn't tire of being mean to me.
3rd, 4th, and 5th grade didn't get any easier. That girl made me even more sensitive and weak, and my self-esteem was very low. I can't believe I survived through elementary school; the emotional pain was just too much for me to handle. The girl told me that I couldn't dance and that hurt so much because we were in our school dance and I was having a nice time with my friends until she told me that. I started crying and one of my friends noticed and asked me why I had all of a sudden decided to let my tears out. When I explained to her the situation, she pouted and looked at my bully, and turned back to me.
"Mayra, she's the one that can't dance. She has a broken arm! She's just jealous that she can't dance and you can." Yes, I remember what my friend said, even to this day. I realized that she was right and I got sensitive because of a stupid comment.
I decided to draw the line when it was our school's annual talent show in May, which was either one day before, or the day when school would be out for the summer. It was 5th grade and we had just graduated, but my school decided to give us more days just to give us a giant pain in the ass. My best friend and I had entered the talent show and we were going to dance Beyonce's Crazy In Love song. We were practicing and my bully came in to the classroom we were practicing in (because my best friend's teacher was a teacher at the school and we were in her class). She told me that I couldn't dance and that my dancing was terrible and yaddayaddayadda, etc., you know, she was bringing me down full force. Because of that, I decided to drop out of the talent show. But I was so tired of her comments, and her attitude towards me that I told my mom that I wanted to rejoin (after my friend had convined me). So my best friend and I danced and it felt so good to just do what I wanted to do and not listen to the bully.
I actually, and strangely, thank her for her behavior. Because of her, I got stronger in junior high and high school. I'm so confident people tell me that they wish that they could be as confident as me. How about that? Oh, and as for dancing...yeah, 2nd place winner of my 8th grade talent show for dancing Gloria Gayner's I Will Survive. Ohhhhh, what!!! And I join every talent show I can just to show off my moves. And back then, I wasn't as smart as my classmates, or my bully; now I'm salutatorian of my class. And I'm both Student Council treasurer and Senior Class Representative.
Which brings me back to the beginning of this post: me bumping into my bully a week ago, after so many years of not having her around, the fear shot back at me and I could not withstand the uneasiness. Because I'm Representative, I have to attend the Senior Class Meetings after school, but I had been busy, and still am, with homework and student council meetings. When I went, she was there and my little blinker that's in my mind began to flash. I know that I'm supposed to be over those years of emotional torture (I'm actually over it! Well, I think, or thought, I'm, or was, over it), but I'm very bitter and uneasy about it. I still remember what she did to as if she had just done it yesterday. I cannot forget!
Can you just imagine the traumatic damage that girl caused me? I know that in order to forgive, we must forget (at least that's what my Catholic priest preached a few weeks ago), but I just can't forget. I will NEVER forget. I have forgiven her, even if she was a huge ass bitch, but the mental scars, bruises, punches, and stabs are still in tact. This happened to me as a kid, for crying out loud. And I have a very sharp memory. But I'm strong and I can deal with this. I've dealt with this for years, even forgot about it in the process. But now those feelings of fear are rekindled.
That's why I have a soft spot for weaklings, nerds, geeks, the disabled, and those that can't defend themselves. They're like babies that need caring and it hurts when I hear that people hurt them. I can't bear that. That's why I wish the best for bullies so that they can be able to regret what they do and to see that there's more to life than bullying. They'll never know how much good they'll do if they don't lay off. A kid's life can be saved, or a kid's locker can be spared a dent. You know? I don't hold any rancor towards anyone, not even my bully, but it feels good to know that I've become so strong and that I can do so many things. I'm not afraid of showing who I am. I'm not shy anymore, I'm not introverted, I'm not so sensitive, and I don't cry everyday. I'm the opposite of all those things I used to be. I can kick someone's ass if I set my mind to it. And I will if I have to prove a point. I can dance better than...well, let me be arrogant for a minute, than everyone in my school. And I say that with a smug smile. I can stand on my own and defend myself and evade any shit that people try to pull on me. And you know what? I do this all with one eye. FUCK YEAH.
Now, Imma go shuffle Party Rock Anthem! (Yes, I CAN shuffle)