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juliahenderson

When I grow up

Do you think your parents made any major mistakes in how they raised you? If so, how did it affect you?

Answers (647)

  • Tiger parenting; negatively because of how my personality works.
  • OH FUCK YES! And it's not like I hate them. But I do resent my dad sometimes. I've written about the financial stuff, and how for years he has not let me have control over my money. I hate that he's my payee for Social Security, and that he signed a piece of paper saying I'm incompetent and can't handle my own affairs. And this was YEARS BEFORE I had any debt trouble. Does anyone else understand what a slap in the face that is, to be told by your own FAMILY that you're incompetent? And then, you get out into the world, you mess up (mainly because you were never taught the right way to do things, never given the chance), and of course you get blamed for it. All of it, even the stuff that's not your fault. And for me, I had to ask for his help, and that meant that now he has even more power over me. I hate that most of all. I didn't want him to know how badly I messed up, and so I went thru every other option to try and fix things. He was my last resort. The worst part is not being believed, or being blamed. Technically, I could force the issue, take my dad to court over the payee issue. But if I did that, it would mean he'd never speak to me again, and if I ever got into any kind of trouble again, he'd not help me. It would also mean moving, and there's no one who would let me live w/ him/her. My dad basically set it up so that he's all I've got. I've lost relationships over this stuff. Ppl think I'm making this up, and that I'm some great player with all this money. So not true! The last person I dated didn't believe me about my situation, and so I've given up on dating altogether. My biggest fear, however, is that my dad will die and that I'll have nothing. That I'll get a payee who won't pay my bills, or who will tell me how to live my life. I'm scared that my family will take over, get control, etc. And I'm scared I'm gonna fuck up again. I know what not to do (don't use credit cards, don't take out loans). I'm in school full-time, but am afraid that I won't be able to pay back my loans, and even more afraid I won't find work. My dad says: "Just get a job and then all this goes away." But he also says "Stay in school, get your certification." Mixed message. He knows I can't work and go to school. I tried it during my first attempt at a Masters degree, and it didn't work. The point I'm trying to make: I don't hate my dad. I love him, and those who read my journal on a regular basis know my dad and I are very close. I think, in his own way, he was trying to protect me. But he ended up doing a lot more harm than good. The worst part is that I'll never get him to see it that way, and I've tried. I've approached this problem from every possible angle. And I tried to get my lawyer (who had to help me negotiate debt settlements) to talk to my dad. The lawyer said he would, and then said he wouldn't. I just feel like I keep hitting my head against the proverbial brick wall, and like I"m never gonna get out of this situation. I'm 30, and I feel that I have no control over my finances. And then, when ppl say they don't believe me, I feel like maybe I really am crazy. The real irony is, I have a physical disability, but not a mental disability. I receive Social Security b/c I'm blind, not because of any mental disorder. My father thinks I'm incompetent, my last partner thought I was incompetent. Society at large thinks blind ppl can't do anything, and very few will hire us. Sometimes, I question the point of continuing w/ my certification classes. Part of me just wants to give up. But I can't. I was never allowed to give up. I was always told that I had to work, had to get a job, had to be independent. So, when I ask for help, I'm looked down upon. Yet, sighted ppl can ask for help, and it's not a big deal. I know some sighted ppl who don't work, don't want to work, and their friends and fam are ok w/ that. Not mine. My father wonders why I'm not close w/ my fam. I feel I have nothing in common w/ them. Long story short, I resent how my dad set me up to fail, whether he knew it or not. All I've done is screw up, and have not been given the skills or the opportunity to try and make things right. End of rant.

  • Серьезных ошибок не было, но и разговоров, что такое "хорошо" и что такое "плохо" практически тоже не было. На мой взгляд, личность формируется не только при родительском чутком воспитании, но и в большей части в среде, в которой находится ребенок, а именно: школа, сверстники, друзья и тд. По крайней мере в моем случае было так.






  • That is a huge question...  The answer is yes for me, many mistakes.... And I will answer it too with no, I am raised fine if only I will succeed in this life with big optimism...

    My mom is a very thoughtful mom & person, she always thinks/worries a lot, almost to everything... It is only bad when your showing the depression to the family w/o backing it w/optimism.

    From her, I was over  raised and over cared a lot. That made me learn to become independent very late(that caused my pimple to get worse because being late to become responsible for myself) (but I am very responsible when it's not about me...)
    From her Inherit the trait of being too thoughtful for others....

    My Dad, all I can remember is me & my siblings, we always got hit because of disciplinary action. We are so misbehaving like tom sawyer & any other kids. We are always hit almost everyday because of that. I remember the gate/door being locked after coming home from school.(it's not abuse at all, just over disciplined & too much care). That too much disciplinary action by my dad, made us not to become close to him( we barely talk to each other ever since preschool upto now. But it's much better now since I move here, the distance helps to heal, right now we are now confident to atleast exchange greetings during holidays).

    I guess we are misbehaving too much during childhood years because we are being lock down at home, that made us to not learn to socialize with neighbors and learn to behave properly.
    My dad is a reserved person too & very optimistic i guess, he is a mech engineer, so he's got a trait of a trouble shooter.
    From him I inherit the trait of being reserved, optimistic & problem solver.

    Together with what I inherit with my mom, thoughtfullness + from dad for being optimism + the pimple that I learned to become humble. That pimple that help me become shy & loner, that made me think a lot of things all the time(observer) & practice my broad imagination. From all of that traits, I learned to care for the whole humanity & high optimism to find anwers in helping them. & the humility + loneliness that made me talk a lot to God...

    So I guess, I am destined to do great with all of that troubles in life, if only I have a strong will & how far that will can take me...
     
    My fathers name is Bayani (meaning hero in english). I am always thiking about his thoughts about his name.. I am sure he will love to give meaning to that name, he even join the army reserves even at the late age... & if ever he is running out of time, I will be the one to give his name a meaning, like he help raised a hero(if ever i will suceed).

    My mother never raised us sharing any life lesson, but mostly about how karma works....
    So when I learned to become independent, I am deeply fan of wisdom quotes in life...
    And with that late maturity in life, even if I am all grown up as a man, I still possess the gift of a Children like what always Jesus talks about, the naivity in a positive way, like unconditional love(not expecting something in return when doing things), easily to forgive someone, too much passion in life,(like kids dreaming they can fly someday, miracles in tv movies & cartoons) kids passion in a positive way that you learn to exercise your faith.

    Right now I am always moved & inspired when watching inspirational movies & japanese cartoons. I feel my personality is being created from inspirational movies & cartoons that I watch(easily influenced), because I build my view of life on my own(from movies/cartoons & what my heart felt when I see things)(movies are created from the imaginations & dreams of lots of people) & not from my parents taught me... I learned a lot of life lessons too from friends & families.  And I am not easily influenced by adult/grown up man specially bad influences, because I learned to be brave on my own...

    I am comfortable being alone, I love mother nature, I love childrens & seniors (i am not easily pressured by people in my age & older) Even if I look alone, most of the time when inspired enough, I don't feel like a loner. Your never a loner if you can always think of others besides yourself. I am not a loner if I think of the whole living things in Earth all the time...
    I am not a loner, i am just far from friends, family & relatives. I look like a loner because of the pimple that makes me hard to be friendly close to strangers...

    I am raised ok i guess, depends in the result of my determination for optimism....

    (right now I have few close distance friends in daytime & maybe what I found during visits with Engie at weekend evenings is like longing for a family) I know now, the other reason I like her a lot is because evenings is supposed to be a feeling of being home with a family. I guess she is my home, I feel home whenever she is around. & she is very kind... and Then I fell for her...

    So even if I overcome my personal love for her, I will still be inlove with her as a family and friend after i got healed from a broken heart....

    I love You Engie...

  • I don't think anyones parents are perfect.

  • Since then, I never lived my life in a normal family...



    Major mistakes? I cannot exactly blame them if they don't love each other anymore...
    As much as I wanted to blame them about my current state. But even blaming them will not fix the issue.
    Though if I get the chance, I would at least want them to learn from their mistakes.
    Its not because they don't love each other anymore does mean they do already have the freedom to leave one another.
    I know... It may sound kinda selfish, but its also selfish about not thinking about your child's sake.

    But yeah, if it weren't for their mistake. By any chance I might still have them together.
    Then I will not suffer living all alone from being disowned.
    Afterall, I got disowned due to fact my mom more prioritize taking care of her new second family...

    If it weren't for all of these, I might be grown as a normal person.
    Same with my parent, they might probably treat me as their real child if that's the case.

    But no... I cannot assume over these anymore. There is no way I can bring back the cruel past...
    But still... If I can wish for it now... If they just hold on and raised me up like a normal child...
    I might not be celebrating Christmas all alone anymore.

  • Па-ла-жи-тель-на!
  • Growing up . It happens to everyone at some point in their life . But , what about the people who go through their lives , grow up , and end up really unhappy with themselves ? Who do they have to blame ? For me , I don't think my parents made any mistakes in the way they have been / are raising me . They may come down hard on me for some things , and I don't necessarily like that , but it's " for my own good " . Growing up , I'm sure I've heard that phrase a thousand times . You may be in trouble now , but the punishment is for your own good . I know your upset but not going out tonight is for your own good . . . Eat your vegetables , I know they're nasty but its for your own good ! You can see where this is going . As people grow and develop , I believe that they need parents to guide and steer them through life . Now , I'm not saying that they need parents to hold their hands and help them take baby steps through life . I'm not saying that at all . There is a point to which parental guidance can't help . There is a point where kids have to learn their right and wrongs on their own . Growing up isn't easy , but if you have parents who are there for you just the right amount it can make it a lot less hard for you .

  • i think everyone makes mistakes once in a while. there's no exceptions. 
    i think the MAJOR mistake was not getting along - they were fighting all the time and i had to see and hear every part of it. i wasn't the reason, but i still cried and hated that, even though i was a little child.
    it affected me really much -  i hardly speak with my dad and don't like him so much. he moved away, got a new wife and they have two kids right now. 

  • major mistakes? no. we are all human though. and being human tends to affect us.
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