Ajoj... or, to switch from Croatian, OUCH! Certainly I am some kind of masochist if I want to write about my greatest fears... But, smart people (AND psychologists...) say "To conquer your fears, you must face them". Since I am NOT GOING to face my fears directly (read more and learn why!), and since writing about something that bothers you has proven to be a good way of reducing anxiety, I am going to try...
So, let`s talk about fears.1. SNAKES
I have a pretty strong Ophidiophobia (irrational fear of snakes). Please don`t confuse this with not liking snakes or being afraid they are going to bite me and kill me with their venom. Yes, I truly despise those damn reptiles, find them horribly ugly and completely disgusting and yeah, I DO fear they could bite me, but there is more to it. I am not able to see a snake on TV or even on a photograph, during summer I am affraid to walk through high grass and various sound of nature, which I associate with snakes, freak me out. And when do see a snake, I either run away or, more often, completely freeze. My heart starts racing like crazy, I cannot breathe normally and my mind is locked in constant silent screams. It is a horrible feeling, I`ll tell you that.
Being a psycologist, I am well aware of possibility that this phobia could aggravate my normal funcioning in everyday situations in life (i.e. avoiding hiking with friends, never camping, not being able to walk through high and thick grass...) but for now I can handle it. Every now and then I visit the local ZOO and walk through entire reptile-holding builiding; it is not easy, but it does reduce my general level of snake-related anxiety for awhile.
My brother recently wrote about "the reaper" aka death. He is more cool when it comes to dealing with death as a part of life than me. I simply cannot accept the fact that we are all going to die. It is something my mind simply doesn`t understand for real, and ergo refuses to think about. Sometimes it would bring along some quite disturbing and morbid thoughts (tell me, have you ever imagined the funeral of someone you love? Well, DON`T!) so I try to ignore it completely. It is easier for me that way, although I know the more I ignore it, the more difficult it will be to deal with when someone I love dies one day. But until then, I choose to be blisfully ignorant.
This fear is probably combined with the fear of death. I`m not talking about break-ups and failed friendhips, but about complete, overwhelming semce of being all alone in the world. You can feel like that even when you are surrounded by people as much as you can be in the best company of all when you are alone. I rarely feel lonely because I occupy myself vith various interesting things when I`m alone, plus I really know how to enjoy those precious moments I have all for myself. But when I did feel lonely, it was such strong emotion, such feeling of emptiness and some strange kind of void inside myself that I don`t want to feel it ever again.
4. LOSS OF IDENTITY
No matter the reason (ilness that reduces your IQ, memory loss, inability to do something you were able to do the day before, extreme character changes etc.), but I think the most horrible thing that can happen to a person is to lose some ability they are used to having, especially if you can remeber how it was when you had it. For example, I cherish my verbal abilities (more obvious when speaking/writing in Croatian, of course) and it would be horrible to lose them somehow and then be forced to continue living without them AND remembering how great it was to have them. The same goes for changes in character that cannot be attributed to normal personal growth. Imagine being, for example, kind and caring person and then becoming harsh, rigid and selfish. Horrible. And our identity is built of many, many personal "bricks" and it does change during life, especially during personal or general crisis, and it`s okay. But to change so completely that you became almost totally new person... It horrifies me, it truly does
Seams to me I`m quite easy to scare... Make a movie in which snakes kill main character`s whole family and this trauma is so great that he goes crazy, changes completely and becomes a lonely lunatic who remains unhappy and traumatized wor the rest of his life - and it would be a horror that would give me insomnia for nights in a row ;).