Family is a very relative term(no pun intended). I had a very, VERY shitty childhood, full of abuse cake with neglect frosting, sexual repression/exploitation/general confusion, and bitter hatred sprinkles. Needless to say, I walked away almost a decade ago and never looked back. SO, when I come upon people that I find to be truly remarkable, I sort of recruit them to be my family. A lot of people filter in and out, but the core few that I hold onto are up on a motherfucking PEDESTAL in my eyes.
Now, the lame part about this is when these people do something(or, I do something and they respond, thus them "doing something") to end that connection, and I feel it is unwarranted, I feel a deep level of betrayal and sorrow that really cannot be described in words. The closest thing is "Et tu, Brute?"
, but even THAT is a little diluted for how I ACTUALLY feel.
As I am thinking of an example of this, it hits me like a ton of bricks that I really, REALLY miss one SPECIFIC person from my past that, for many, MANY years I knew
would always be a part of my life(and Judy Sue's for that matter). He's Canadian. And he hates
I am not entirely sure what the last straw was for him, but there were a sequence of events in a short period of time that I believe led up to him saying "I never want to talk to you again. Leave me the fuck alone.". First, I had a cancer scare. I was really ill and I had to go through months of specialists, tests, and in the end, little result. It was tiring, painful, and terrifying. I made a mistake by telling him about this giant 'maybe' illness, and then subsequently getting very depressed and fixated on my life right in front of my eyes daily, thus pretty much leaving him out of the loop as to what the progression was. This, while understandable to many people, was UNACFUCKINGCEPTABLE to him.
Directly after this happened(the ordeal went on for almost a year), I had a handfastening to my then-boyfriend Drew, which in a sense is a marriage, and to be taken seriously. I made another mistake by calling it a "wedding" to the Canadian, which threw him into a spiral of RAGE about me not inviting him, not telling him, thinking that he wouldn't want to know or be involved... I mean, after 7 years or so of being pretty wildly in love with one another but not being together but having big dreams of one of us one day moving to the other person's life and living happily ever after blahblahblah, and after all that time of him being REALLY annoyed any time I dated anyone, never giving ANY of them a chance to show him they were worth my time(in his defense.... most of them weren't. He was almost always right about that.), I really thought that there was NO WAY he would make the 30+ hour drive to come see me be handfastened to someone. It's a religion he doesn't support, and a decision he thought was foolish. My assumptions got me nowhere but a one-way non-stop flight to Crazytown, to meet with Mayor Bitter'n'hurt, with a layover in GuiltTrip City.
I guess the whole point of me telling this story in relation to the original question is to bring it around in some sort of lovely segue about how the one person I knew
I could count on, as family, totally fucked me up by abandoning me in every way possible because he couldn't get past the fact that after almost a decade of interlocking feelings and promises never fulfilled, we were still no closer
to our original goal of being together, and we should probably have realized long before then that it would never work the way we wanted and that no matter how much he could tell me over and over
that no one would ever be capable of loving me the way/amount that he does, I had grown into a different woman and he was the exact same man. Well, with better taste in music and a lot more anger and contempt for the universe and a much greater fear of "God".
My only consolation is that my daughter will not remember her godfather, and what he promised to be/do for the REST OF HER LIFE, and how quickly and (seemingly)easily he walked the fuck away from that responsibility. In conclusion, I shall say that, overall, in every "family" I ever had/made before these last few years, the one thing I knew I could count on them for was to be selfish, make false promises and break them at RECORD speed, exhibit an unprecedented amount of malice and bitterness, and throw in the towel when it seemed something would need hard work and/or patience.
edit: I should probably mention that my current family(myself, my husband, my daughter, my in-laws, my friends(many of which are new, just a few years in, but also some strong
long-termers who have stuck with me through some serious
shit), and my actual blood-related family members whom, though few, are motherfucking survivors and I adore each of them!) is genuinely and entirely worth every single ounce they weigh in fucking gold. Without them, I can honestly say that I would not be doing anything that I am doing now, including breathing. I am bless-ed. I am whole.