Dear Lizzie (you always hated when I spelled it like that),
I'm writing you a letter you'll never read, but I guess that's alright.
I miss ya Liz. I guess it was inevitable that this would happen, but that doesn't make it suck any less, right? We've both got our own friends now, our own worlds. All I know about your life is lies, and you know nothing about mine because I don't tell you. Our existences intersect for one class per day, and then we don't exist to each other any more. I've accepted this. I made this decision, after all, four years ago when I chose to leave private school, the one thing that held us together.
People always said we were the strangest pair of friends that could have formed in our tiny class. In the mini society of Montessori, every divide between people was clear. We've always been completely and utterly on our sides of the line; you're on the side with the perfectly straightened hair, the designer sunglasses and too many friends to count, I'm on the side with gaudily colored hair, clothes that look like art projects and friends that can be counted on one hand. There is no better side, no worse side, though both seem to think the other is somehow inferior. I know Anna and Kelsey always yelled at me for hanging out with you, and I bet Sadie and Mia gave you plenty of shit for being seen with me. But we ignored them, didn't we? Friday nights were our time to do what we wanted, and to hell with them. They didn't need to understand.
Truth is, they never did understand. Nor would they ever. They were the real Montessori kids, the ones with peace-loving and utterly loaded parents who'd do anything to make their children smile. They'd complain about petty things and walk their lives unaware of how little they knew about the real world. In our class of twenty-odd, we were the only two who knew about real life. Your mother was (is) the parallel to my father, and vice versa. We understood each other in a way no one else ever could. We never gave each other those despicable pitying looks we knew we would have gotten from anyone else. When I asked you what had happened, you'd tell me, I'd nod, and we'd pick some cheesy chick flick to watch and forget about life with. Things were facts, not loaded statements searching for compassion. We didn't need to say 'I'm so sorry.' That's just a hollow cover for someone who doesn't know not to make a big deal out of it. We didn't need to ask 'are you okay?' We were never okay, but we were alive, and that was good enough.
I remember when you tried to kill yourself. I didn't find out until you got out of the hospital. We didn't have cells phones back then; getting a hold of each other was a nightmare, remember? Not the point. You just about killed me when you did that, Liz. If you had succeeded, I would have followed suit. I've never questioned that. Back in those years, you were the only thing I had to keep me going, the only person who cared what happened to me, and I was the same to you. If you hadn't been found in time, if you had died, I wouldn't have been long on this world. Maybe it would have been better if the pair of us had died. We'll never know. But neither of us did. We got through it, and generally intact.
I can't help but think it's my fault this happened. I was the one who left Montessori. I just couldn't put up with those lies any more, with those conceited girls complaining with all their hearts that they only got fifty dollars a month allowance when I didn't have a dime. I hope you understood that, but I don't know if you did. Either way, I left you, and I'm sorry for it. We tried, I know we did. Friday night was still our night. We'd watch chick flicks, go to the arcade, break laws, and go back to your house to collapse. We'd sneak out of the house and find some alcohol or light things on fire. It was our release, the release we still couldn't dream of getting with anyone else.
It didn't work. Maybe the line got wider when we weren't paying attention, or maybe we just drifted farther onto our respective sides. Either way, no matter how far we reach, we can only seem to brush fingertips nowadays. Your family fell apart faster than mine; it happened all at once, the divorce, the move, everything. You seem happier now. Not happy, but happier, and for that I'm infinitely glad. I know you're moving into your own apartment soon, your dad's finally leaving you for real. I'm worried about you. I know no one else can tell, but I know you better than any of them. Your last tie is breaking, Liz, and I really wish you could turn to me again. But you don't seem to want to, and I'm not positive I want you to. We have more scars than the last time we had a heart-to-heart, and they've divided us again.
Either way, I miss you. I wish you could know that. I sit right next to you for forty-five minutes of every day, but I miss you so much. We both have new best friends, both safely on our side of that invisible line. I have Toe. I don't know who you have, but I bet you have someone. But at the same time, it's not the same, is it? I'll never have a friend that understood me as fully and unquestioningly as you did. No one else will ever be you, or even come close. I'm not myself around them like I was so fully myself around you back then. I put on a face for you now, but you're not fooled, I see it in you, and I appreciate it.
I miss you Liz. And I will always love you. Whatever hand life deals us, I will always love you with some part of me. And I almost wish you could read this letter.
-Emmy (you're the only person who could ever call me that)
I want to tell ________ that i love you. I have loved you since i saw you. i am really sorry that you dont know that i love you. One day i will come out to you, but not right now. Maybe in a couple years.
i feel like i'm still in love with you. maybe i am. i hope im not. i mean, nearly 3 years of infatuation is an awfully long time, dont you think?
for people, out there, i didn't actually write this letter, so you all can disregard this if you wish (for some strange reason i'm surprised that there weren't more people out there like me, those who thought 'hey cool letter'...then wrote something else =]. so here's my 'letter':
hm. who would i write a letter to?
perhaps allan, my friend in maryland.
i don't know what is wrong with me. i have all these people i want to talk to, yet no motivation to call them. why do i do this?! i mean, haven't i LEARNED by now that this can ruin relationships? it practically did with david. yeah, part of it was that i was busy, but i mean i just have this...lethargy.
i don't understand.
is having a 'lack of motivation' the lazy person's way to describe herself?
my sister turned 21 today. i woke up sometime around 10 30, went back to sleep, then woke again (obviously) involuntarily to an electronic americanized salsa beat and a 'rrr'ing sound - my cell phone. since i fell asleep with it next to me (story for another entry, i've already gone off on a tangent of a tangent, 'let's' not get too distracted, now, shan't we?) after i finally found it the caller, a friend, had stopped calling and eventually texted me about coffee tomorrow night...but that's besides the point.
where was i?
oh yes. so i wake up involuntarily past noon (oh, my teenage cliché of a life...not saying i mind this part of it, though :) ). i decide that its time to awaken, and a few minutes later i pick up my house phone with somebody asking me if my sister, kathy, the newly 21 year old, and eldest, is home. of course she was out - she had woken extra-early to watch the sunrise in DC with a friend of hers.
maybe she is an adult now. that's what adults do...isn't it?
...of course i find out later that they had napped :).
it got me to thinking that maybe thats difference between my kid-ness and adults. i don't mean that one fact being able to wake up early - voluntarily! - but...i guess what it meant. something like taking your life into your own hands.
lately i keep asking many seemingly rhetorical questions that i may or may not put thought into. for a while today, i thought being an adult meant you had all the answers. that was childish of me to think. absolutely...without a doubt childish. nobody has all the answers. (trite:) anyone who thinks he does is kidding himself.
we'll always be questioning, wondering.
just some more than others.
Hey how are you? Iam good. I miss you alot and wish that you were still here. I think about you all day and all night. I just wanted to tell you thank you for helping me all the bad and tough times in my life. There was alot, but now that you all are gone it is hard to get through them since i do not have you all here to help.
LOVE YOU ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT !!!!!!!!!!
You and I have known each other for quite some time now. We've had our ups and downs as online buddies as well as our ups and downs in our relationship. Never in my life would I think I would actually meet someone from the internet in person. Let me tell you, meeting you was the most amazing experience of my life. John, I mean this - it was better than graduating from Lincoln High School. It was even better than the brutal 12 hour rehearsals for 9 months just to get to Carnegie Hall.
I couldn't believe I had actually got on that airplane at SeaTac airport. I told you before it really didn't hit me until I arrived in Connecticut, it seemed like an ordinary day to me, but when I finally arrived in Chicago, I realized that I really going to meet you - it was the scariest feeling in the world.
John, the entire trip was pure magic. I never thought it would go as well as it did. I couldn't believe how easily you and I got along. I will never forget the trip and the moments we shared. The moon walk was un believeable. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about the love we shared that night.
I know you think I'm clingy and knowing this, I have been afraid to write this letter, but I realize that this is something I have to do and I really do not mind the criticisms you may have. I hope you appreciate the fact that I am doing this simply because I love you, John.
I am very, very sorry for all our arguments and fights. I hate fighting, especially with the person that I love. I know my appologies mean absolutley nothing to you anymore, but please know, and trust me here, I am truely, deeply sorry for all our arguments and fights. They were pointless, stupid, and damaged a lot of what we had - and we had alot. I'm sorry, but you must admit, I am not completely at fault, we both had our mistakes. It may have seemed as if I was picking on you, I really didn't mean to be that way at all. As corny as it may sound, I want to see you succeed in all that you do. You are very intelligent, John. I don't think you are stupid or worthless because you don't work at a department store like I do; I don't think you are worthless at all. Maybe I said it wrong, maybe you got it wrong, maybe it was a combination of both, but all I was trying to say was, I want to see you do well in the field you chose to go into - and you should consider getting some kind of job to add to your resume - like tutoring Chinese, music, or organic chemistry. (Those are things you love!)
I have great respect for you and all that you do, you can't love someone and not respect them. You are one of a kind, John, and I am so lucky to have actually met you! I am sorry my respect for you didn't show. I know it may be too late for me to even be saying this, but please listen to me. I don't think anything you do for fun is stupid. John, I love to walk just as much as you do, I have blackberries and strawberries in my backyard, just as you have blueberries and grapes! (I love to pick them and and make yummy pies!) You love to study Zhongwen and I love to study geology. It's not bad at all! With your studies, I never realized that you study a lot more than I do, but realizing that you are a triple major and an university student - it makes sense; You need time to study. And I am sorry if it seemed as if I bashed you or disrecpected you, I wasn't trying to. I really do not understand how you can say that I did those things - you did the same! But, Honey, I would never make fun of you for doing what you love! We have so much in common and even if we didn't, why would I make fun of you for it? John, we even have the same microwave, remember? :-)
As I had said before, I know this may be too late, but I am still here and I still love you. I am willing to take another chance at this relationship if you are. I am scared and a little confused because I don't know what you are thinking and how to go about this situation. How can we fix this? Please let me know. I realize that you and I both need some space because we have other very important activities in our lives.
I never thought I came off as clingy and again, I am sorry if I seemed that way. I hope you understand that I care a lot about you and you are a true joy to talk to.
I hope your Christmas will be filled with love and joy. May God bless you.
I wish things didn't end the way they did. I wish you could of told me how you really felt. I wish you could have at least had said goodbye or see you later. Then again thats all it is wishful thinking. I wished I didn't have to wish those things and that they would of just happend. You left so suddenly that I didn't know how to react or what to do. I played back our last conversations so many times in my head. I kept wondering if I said something wrong to make you mad at me. I asked you in our last conversation if everything was ok between us and you said yes even with a smile. Now it feels like you just lied to my face. I went from sad to bitter in a matter of months. Things you told me, things you did to me made me feel like everything was fine. Then you did what you did, it felt like everything you did was a cruel game. In the end I feel like you played me and it hurts. I miss you so much it hurts and I love you so much ... I'm pretty sure we told each other this. I just hoped it was enough for you to think maybe you should call me to let me know your ok. I need some closure so I hope this letter is going to help me. I never had such bitterness in my heart since you did what you did and Im tried of holding on to it like it will change things. I can hope and wish all I want but things won't change. I cried over you after awhile and felt so stupid, so much has happened that I been wanting to tell you good and bad.I can't help but feel the reason you left was because of me. Yet, I hope it isn't the reason. I didn't want to bother you because you were busy with all you had going on in your life. I hope things are going well for you. I am not mad or hurt anymore I just miss you.
* THIS LETTER WAS NEVER SENT*
uhm, this isn't really a letter.
It's more like an email that I never sent.
I was seconds away from clicking the send button, but I was weak, and I just decided to save it in my notepad instead.
well, here goes:
Dear [name taken out for the safety of the asshole],
I don't know what I ever did to you, but I know that I don't deserve this. The only thing I'm guilty of is falling for someone who would much rather let me fall on my face than ever even think of catching me. But maybe that's all it took. All it took for you to completely ignore me whenever possible. All it took for us to go from good friends, to mere acquaintances. If I had known that you were going to react in such an immature, childish way, I would have kept my big mouth shut and let you remain ignorant. I just hope that you're happy. And that you realize that I don't give a fuck about you anymore. This is my resignation from caring about anything that ever happens to you; where I stop even caring if you're alive or dead.
Have a nice life.
I wanted to send it. really I did.
but, of course, I am a coward. and I wouldnt let myself.
anywho, cuz I'm bored, I'm also going to do the second part of the question:
I hope you realize that I miss you like whoa, and that if we don't chill soon, I'm coming up to bridgewater and kidnapping your skinny ass. lol. I miss my writing buddy. No one here understands crazy schizo writer speak like you do. Gah. I'm so sorry I haven't been able to call you back sweetie, live is crazy round here lately. Hopefully you're getting a chance to relax a little more than I am. How've things been going with your novels? another thign I'm sorry about: being a slow beta. I know it's a tired excuse, but my schedule is packed to the max D: gah, tell Ava I said hi, and give her a hug from me.
Haa, you thought it was gonna be to Ian didnt you?
So this one was another one I thought to be interesting. There's only a few people I miss, but many I owe lately for being themselves. So I am going to take this chance to do just that....
Thank you for being the sweetest doll in the world. Not only have you had your own life to deal with you have made time for me. And while we haven't had time lately to hangout per normal, you always make sure when I need you that you are there. I love you sister of my heart.
Thank you for taking the time to read my entries and respond. It's meant alot lately to hear your kind words.
Thank you for being there even though it's been on yahoo, as a shoulder to cry on. I promise movie/ice cream night soon as the holidays are over love.
Now for the man who's meant the world to me lately.
My best friend, my love, my other half, both of us broken and unhappy and yet we are able to mend each other a little each time we talk. While I know I'm not going to have what I would love with you, I am greatful for what I do have. The friendship I have found with you is unbelievable and I look forward to many more days of getting to know you. I look forward to your visit in the future and I'm so proud of you for starting the baby steps outside of your comfort zone.