I've had a lot of career aspirations ever since I was a little kid... Sure there were the hopes of one day becoming a firefighter or a police officer, but probably the most interesting one would always be my first one... garbage man. It must've been the trucks... The hopes for the future seemed to change a lot, including carpenter, doctor, anesthesiologist, writer, architect.
A lot of people just don't seem to take me as seriously when I proudly admit what my true aspiration has been for at least the last 10 years... a musician. Most of them think that I don't have my head on straight and tell me that I'll never get anywhere in life, because my one true ambition is such a pipe dream. That does make me wonder, though... How many of those people had given up on their dream of doing what they really want to do, and settled for some mediocre job, pushing paper, cleaning floors, waiting tables... or in simpler terms, just plain working for the man, so the bills would get paid?
Why is the dream of being a professional musician so unreal? It really does crush me sometimes, that I can't spend more time doing what I want, and instead, I have to struggle with the pitfalls of a job that I downright hate most of the time. I get depressed when the job becomes the main focus, like everybody says it should be, and the boss tells me that I'm on the clock, but I'm not really there half the time, mentally... when I try to do a good job, when I'm there, and I just get a bunch of shit kicked in my face, when something goes wrong. The thing that I hate most about my job, or any job I'd be doing otherwise at this point, is that I'm forced to act like a person that doesn't really resemble me, at all... I still maintain as much individuality as I can, but sometimes it just seems like a losing battle.
It's not like I'm not prepared for the life, either... I'm a damn fine guitarist... Can't read music for shit, but a damn fine guitarist. I also play bass and occasionally a little keyboard and drums. The hard part is forming a band... I've been the 'new guy' in a couple bands, but it really hasn't given me quite what I'm looking for, because I know exactly what I want to play... That's another hard part... Finding people that can actually play prog metal. Anybody who's been close to me over the past couple years knows that one band that's become a huge influence on my style of playing is Dream Theater. I want to create music like that... Not note for note recreation, but constantly inspired, insanely complex, with well planned lyrics, as well as the paradox created where the chaos of progressive music is suddenly organized and orchestrated. When I hear the music, I don't just hear it... I feel it flowing through my mind.
That's what a lot of people don't really get about me... How attached I am to music... I am not just a casual listener. I don't just enjoy a good song or album... I savor it. I sit back, turn it on, close my eyes, listen to all the sounds brought together in harmony, and I absorb completely into the music. I don't find many people who can even come close to parallelling with that kind of connection, and that makes it a bit more of a challenge to find bandmates.
Ultimately, when asked in person, I think it's actually a really fucked up question, because the person asking it always seems to be only interested in a short answer that would be some bullshit aspiration for becoming a productive member of society, and no definite explanation... It's no wonder a whole lot of people don't really know what they want to do with their lives.
My dream is to stand on stage before a massive audience, with a guitar in my hands... and play the most beautiful music I know how to. No amount of money could ever buy that feeling, and no empty future of broken dreams and compromised ideals could ever replace it.