I posted before about how the song Don't Know Why
by Nora Jones is such a huge trigger for me with my mother's death. It the was first song I heard after the very last time I talked to her. I don't know why, but it made me want to burst into tears then, and nothing was even wrong. My mother hadn't yet had her heart attack, and there was no reason to believe anything bad would happen, but it was like I somehow knew. This encompassing sense of dread and sadness seemed to sweep over me when I heard that song that day.
Any time I've heard that song since, it seems to put me right back there in that moment. I've grown to hate hearing the opening notes of it come on the radio, but I never turn it off, and I don't know why. (I keep saying that a lot in this post.) Even though I've grown to dislike it (I still don't flatout hate it), it makes me feel a connection to my mum, I guess. Even though the memories are sad, it does remind me of her, of the very last time I spoke to her. I'm the type of person that will hold on to things, because of the memories they hold for me, so maybe that's a part of the reason. I like the nostalgia, as sad as it may be.
Ever since that day, that song has never failed to make me so incredibly sad. At first, it made me want to burst into tears every time I heard it, and oftentimes I did. Lately, it's brought about this general feeling of sadness and loss, so I could tell I was moving forward. It didn't make me want to burst into tears anymore, so that was something. I was making progress. I just didn't realize just how much.
As I was driving home from work last night, that song came on the radio. I'd had a really good night at work, and I thought, "Oh great, it's that
song." Nothing like a song that depresses me to ruin a perfectly good day. Again, I didn't turn it off, because sometimes it feels like I can't. Like I'd be forgetting her if I did. I know I wouldn't, but that's sometimes how I feel. That's why I like to hold on to certain things that I really don't need anymore - because they help me remember, even though I know I'd remember perfectly fine without them.
So I sat there in my car and listened to it as I was driving down the road, and for the first time, I didn't feel sad. At all. Rather, this amazing sense of peace swept over me that I didn't even know I could feel in relation to that song, or my mother's death. And if I'm honest, I think there was a little bit of happiness in there as well. It was an amazing feeling. Two years and eight months on from losing her (god, has it been that long?), I actually felt something other than excruciating sadness. When the hell did that happen?
When I think about where I was emotionally at this time last year, it's like night and day. I'm at a place that I never thought I'd see again. I really am healing, and it happened when I wasn't even looking <3 And I don't know why I answered this question with that. It was just the first thing that came to my mind.