another year older...

1) sux... coz i have paper in 3 hrs time... even though it's open book
2) sux... coz i have another paper in less than 24 hrs time...
3) my brother took MY calculator to school... harlow~ i got paper today....
4) moving to tampines... confirmed... pay deposit liaoz...
5) book tix to hong kong and taiwan... but, not really looking forward to them....
6) have a painful pimple on my nose.... now it's red... damn...
7) thinking of changing my blog... this site has too many restrictions...
8) haven't write resume/search for job...
9) my childhood best friend fly me aeroplane... suppose to be back this week... anyway, being his childhood buddy, sorta knew he wasn't coming back... with the lack of updates...
10) clara and boon owes me prezzie...
11) thanks to all the smses... but this is really NOT a happy birthday...
12) thanks to joe and meizhen for their blog entries on my bday...
13) my ibook now officially has a column of dead pixels...
14) mom's not happy about me wanting to work overseas...
15) no motivation to mug... hence i'm typing my blog...
16) wanna go for a run, but the weather's cranky
17) got stuck at my ps 2 game...
18) even mahjong is boring these days...
19) faye wong still has not release any album...
20) wanna go pubbing with boon again...
21) no movie that's interesting...
22) no appetite these days too...
23) meizhen's bbq on friday... hasn't got her anything yet...
24) still single... AND available... haiz~~~

mom wants to get her own place... so she has been scouting around for good flats and so on, bugging me to check HDB webbie... which is quite silly... since they just give a unit no, price, area and no floor plan...

the silly auntie actually considered pungol and hougang and seng kang... goodness... those places are so inaccessible... so~ rural?
bro and i are suggesting tampines and bedok... let's just hope that she get a decent location... near parks/beach/reservoir... haha... shopping... siglap... ahah... i would really like bedok... but think she's leaning towards venues around hougang...

anyway... thinking of a holiday to hk/taiwan.... ahaha... kaixi~~ haha!! see how it goes...

and... if u wanna see my guest blogging... http://clarasanctuary.blogspot.com/

hihi, guess who?! Not kel obviously, hahaaa...i am a petty, so called ms violet by our mr kel know-all. Ewww... very bad of him, he said i bring suay to him. What the! Not my fault when his mom called ma and all i did was to mention about moms. :P still not enough, he dare dare say something bo liao when i called my mom. Misunderstanding between a mom and daughter is very bad, esp when she is trying to 'sell' me off. Oooops, said something i shouldn't. And mr kel try to make it worse by saying ben ben stuff... Cheez, how come a intelligent guy like mr kel be stupid, but!!! he is ben ben sometimes....Arghh, why i landed up in this state is becos of him. My poor life being invaded, even my blog was. So i decided to invade his too;P Now he free break till 4 lor, while i have to go off at 2, life's not fair at all. kk, got to go!!!!

wedding round 2 was beautiful... the bride was beautiful, the food was good, the ambinece was classy... and no... the troublemaker din turn up and no, the bride's not bloated... haha.. not so sure if she is pregnant...

then my ibook has a line of dead pixels... my ipod battery gave up on me...

haiz... it's sad... so sad...

was at my cousin's wedding last night... din even know she's called sandy... haha haven't seen her in like 4-5 years... since the divorce... anyway... the dinner was at hotel royal... nothing fancyful... food's not that good... decor.. well.. her hubby reminds me of lee guo huang... i mean the moon craters... but then, they look happy together, so i guess that's all that matter...

oh, she's 5 months pregnant...

finished the last mid-terms of my undergrad life, caught all the interesting films like transamerica and brokeback mountain, bought most of the stuff i wanted, finished some of the online stories i've been reading...

there's not much left to do...

so now i'm just bored...

as i'm waiting for my last lecture for the week in another 45 mins...

but at least there's some interesting things going on...

recently found a out one of my friends had a boyfriend for 6 years, qithout my knowledge...
2 of my cousins are getting married... within days from each other... both are gals... i wonder if any one of them is shotgun...
mom wants to get her own place yet again...
my younger bro got into temasek poly... and he's trying to appeal out into some crap course, ECE in Ngee Ann...
another friend got dump unceremoniously...
the doc still contacts me as and when he likes... (and i actually can't be bothered anymore)
i wonder who will turn up at the wedding dinners... haven't seen any of my relatives on my dad's side since the divorce... think it's at least 5 years?
can foresee they'll ask about my other half/career options/blah blah...
went for 2 crappy career fairs...
oh, my ibook screen now has 3 lines of dead pixels... too lazy to send in for repair...
feeling lonely again... must be the side effects of reading/watching too much romance stories/films...

oh, if u are reading this, kh, let me know how u r doing... haven't seen u in a long time...

watched brokeback mountain with joe last night...

it's a show that i've been wanting to catch since i read about it in some magazine... boon gave it a raving review...

and my first thoughts having watched the show... how sad... why people in love are held back by responsibilities, family, work, living... by societal forces in general... why Ennis wouldn't choose to be with Jack, why Jack would rather suffer the heartaches for 20 years and not sever the ties with Ennis....

Joe commented that i was once again, thinking only for myself... boon said i have never loved and hence could not relate to the characters...

well... i just think that Ennis is silly for not choosing what his heart wants, even after he had divorced... in fact, i felt that he shouldn't even have married, and tried to live a lie... and Jack, i really take my hat off him... he actually allowed himself to be so tormented for 20 years.. for a love that was doomed in foresight, and in hindsight... why?

i recalled what my prof said about people actually place more significance on losses than on gains... i think it really rang true when i saw Ennis holding the shirt that he thought was lost years ago when he first met jack... jack had took the shirt and kept it in his closet...

people always thought more fondly of things that has been lost... it is like only through losing can we attach a value, to realize the significance it had in our lives...

i can only hope to find and to realize the importance of people and things in my life...

fine... i finally paid 6.50 to watched the latest local production, i not stupid too...

all in all... it's a really great show... u will cry, u will laugh, and yes, i was touched, despite the fact that it's just another movie... and last of all, guilt-ridden...

yap... guilt-ridden... the show made me reflect on myself... the no of times i told my brother off... when he ask me for help on his homework, when he wanted to clarify some doubts on his studies... with my right hand, i can count the number of times i volunteered the information... without a calculator, i can assure u that 90% of the time, i was asking him why he couldn't understand something so simple?

haiz.

in hindsight, there's many things i wanted to do for him... tell him he's a great runner, he looks good... blah blah... but i guess the years of not talking to each other has made contact difficult...

just like in the show when the ex-con father told his son that he loves the son... the whole anti-climax...

it's saddening to realize that i've grown up in a society that believes good performance is naturally expected of everybody.
and it's everybody's favourite passtime to point out the obvious wrongs.
in a family that rather boast to one another about their children's lastest good results then to tell the kid that he did well
where people are more eager to gossip about the shortcomings of so and so... rather than discussed possible alternatives or remedies...
i grew up being the yardstick for performance in my family... and now... after watching this show... i wonder... if my cousins see me as family? or as the asshole who scored too well for psle, o level, a level, had a uni degree or whatever...

well well...

a very eventful chinese new year...

chu xi morning was spent praying to my deceased great grand aunt, followed by memoirs of geisha with mark at plaza sing... i was there earlier, so wandered around and bought a set of taiwanese vcd... had reunion dinner at home... cum mahjong session... cum jogging, with jet li's last kung fu flick, fearless with kai, joe and jer at ps again... had supper at macdonald's at changi airport... coz starbucks is under renovation....

chu yi... naruto game in the morning, watched fate epd 3, played more mahjong, until 12 am... then went jogging... collected most of my angpows... i know meizhen has a totaling of angpow... me? er... let's just say it crossed the 3 digits mark...

chu er... played naruto... watched my vcd... not bad... at least i have yet to foresee the ending... but think it's gonna be a crappy when the leads like one another for the longest time... then went to my second uncle's place at bukit panjang... had steam boat and played mahjong till 530pm... went to joe's... supposed to meet kai and jer at 6 at yew tee... jerome is LATE as usual... haiz... had dinner at joe's ... like the fish curry...er... the fish anyway... then played mahjong... and lost 10 bucks... haiz... my biggest loss throughout cny.. think the feng shui at joe's place doesn't agree with me... jerome is the big winner... finished at 12 plus... too tired to go for coffee and tea... plus i had to meet meizhen and cailing for house hopping the next day...

chu san... woke up late... gotta hail cab to meizhen's and to realize cailing's later than me!! haha... finally see meizhen's place... haha.. friends for 10 years, first time see her place... and tried all her baking talents... not bad... the chocolate cookie a bit powdery, but i like the pineapple tarts...
then we went to adam's place... he's a classmate of ours, who lived near meizhen... haha... anyway, just wanted to see how he is... a bit impromptu, hope we din disturb u, adam!

then had lunch at cailing's, her mom cooked this chicken, prawn, veggie macroroni, which is quite good.. should be very healthy dish... not much oil... we din hang around for long...

next up was my place... we chatted a bit and decided to intrude on yueting's.. haha... sorrie... i'm more of a spontaneous person... always doing wat i want when i thought of it... u know... the kind of living in the moment.. haha..

erz... not haha... should be fuck!... haiz... cailing's bf called and spoiled all our moods...

to be exact... he called, and cailing, having left her handphone in her bag which was in the living room, of coz, could not have heard the phone ringing... anyway, she checked on her phone like 20 mins later, immediately returned his call... and the bf had the cheek to MAKE HER CRY FOR NOT PICKING UP HER PHONE

WHAT A JERK!

WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?!

it's not like she had purposefully ignored him... it was unintentional... and when cailing mentioned that she wanted to visit yueting's whom she had not seen in wat? 7 years? i don't know and don't care wat he said... i only know she cried harder... damn... guess wat? the fuss was because she had agreed to have lunch with his family... his family had waited for her (for 20 mins) and his family, especially his mom, wanted her to lau yu shen with them...

u know... that's not a bad thing... in fact, i'm happy for cailing that she gets along with his family...

but does he has to upset her missing an lunch appointment... especially when he did not mention that they were going to lau yu shen... and she cried for one hour.

i have known her for 10 years.

this may not be the first time i had seen her cry...

but this is the first time i had seen her cried for 1 hour.

just because she failed to be the perfect girlfriend for 20 mins.

to say i am pissed, is an understatement...

i had to exercise a lot of control not to snatch her handphone away, and curse at the fucker.

i have never had a good impression of him to begin with, coz he had never made the effort to get to know her best friends, meizhen and i, not once in the 4 years they have been together...

is my friend not worth 20 mins of his time? he can't even tolerate waiting for 20 mins for his girlfriend?

what a loser...

i hope cailing takes my advice... ditch him... it's not as if u r old and ugly... u DO NOT deserve someone who makes u miserable because of 20 mins... why should u give in to him all the time?

if i was the only one present... i would probably sat there fuming... but one look at meizhen, we realized we have to help her...
i hope we did not cross the line... but i think we were shocked... very shocked and disturbed that he reduced her from jovial and charming woman to an insecured and tearing little girl with a few words.

this is not healthy and that was not wat i know her to be.

to cut the long story, we called her mom... haha... pretty desperate... but then, well, it's either meizhen and i spoke to her mom, or i yelled vulgarities at the fucker... er... think i should use meizhen's term, asshole

basically, we kidnapped her to yue ting's place, where we had a great time checking out their new flat... very cheap, only 80k, and it's beautifully renovated...

and of coz, i ended off the day with more mahjong... blackjack and jogging...

oh cailing, next time, think of this song... faye wong's wrong number...

ur handphone should be ur tool of convenience... not his leash on u... and the last time i check.. u belong to ur family and friends who loves u, even if u din pick up the phone straight away. and u have to know this.. although meizhen and i don't like to wait, we'll just expect u to buy lunch/dinner if u are that late...

i know i'm very blessed
my mom loves me and gives in to all my whims
i have great friends who share my joys, my tears and my worries
i've got almost everything i wanted
my own apple laptop, my ipod, watches and a wardrobe
more cds than i can ever listen to
books that i can read for days
comics and animes
a pair of shoes for everyday of the week

i gonna get a degree from the once so called top 20 unis in the world
got a cool and well paying part time job
with colleagues i actually enjoy working with
i get to meet my friends for coffee, brunches and dinners
and i can afford to indulge myself in shopping every now and then
even though i know i don't need 3/4 of the things i buy
fine almost all of them

then there will be times when i can't find the peace i need
when taking a long bus ride, trying to drown myself in faye's singing, shopping, reading do not fill me with the much needed joy

i went running...
i like to call it running even though it's really jogging
it's when i can feel at peace with myself...
like i can fill the hollow in me with my pantings
flush out all of those unhappy thoughts
not so much for the slimming process
despite what kaixi says

i don't give a damn to what other people says
it has been this way since sec 2 when everybody else was pissed
pissed that i topped maths while almost half the stream failed
and i'll always remember what i overheard that day as i walked back to my class
输给谁， 都不想输给那个臭阿瓜

what have i done?
why am i always the target?
why is it always me?
even when i tried to hide? tried to blend in?
sometimes i really hate myself
why is it that i have never stand up for myself?
i would pretend i never hear, never hurt

it hurt
i remember my tears of helplessness
my frustrations
even now, a decade later, it still stung me whenever i looked back

i despise myself sometimes
for not standing up for myself
maybe that's why i rather vocal these days
this is not an excuse

i tired of people hurting me with their comments
so what if it is bladdering?
why can't you all just shut up and mind your own business?
it's not as if you are perfect
it's not as if you do not have dirty secrets that best be left in the closet
so what if i don't fit your bill?
have you ever wonder if you fit mine?

just because you are bigger than me, richer than me, more popular, louder
it give you the chips to hurt?

i wonder about this sad world with all of its rules for rights and freedom
the rights of the rich and the freedom of power
and i look at the vast majority of us
who just pass from day to day, making ends meet, hoping to make them meet
i look at the diseased and the poor, and the discriminated
and i know i'm really blessed

gay, fag, faggot, sissy, ah gua...
i believe i have heard them all
i thought i would be numbed
i wanted to be
but i guessed i'm not as unfeeling as i wished to be