Current mood:

anxious

it's not a tumor. seriously.
so, a week or two ago i noticed my left thumb was spasming like crazy. you know, your typical muscle tic, only it didn't seem to stop. i mean, for hours at a time. continued on and off (mostly on) for 3 or 4 days/nights in a row, by which time the tic had spread across my fingers and even toward my wrist. this was also accompanied by numbness in BOTH hands. fascinating, no? wait, it gets better: now, though the tics are pretty much gone, both hands remain numb (kinda asleep-feeling, but not really tingly) more often than not (including as i type at this very moment), and, to top it all off, i've started losing the use of my right hand. since the weekend it has deteriorated until it's weaker than my left, and i can no longer squeeze toothpaste or conditioner out of their respective containers. worse, i'm having trouble writing (not that i write much with a pen anymore). i noticed at the vet the other day i had to grip the pen funny to fill in (i.e. scrawl over) my new patient form. yes, i'm right-handed. i even have an enormous writing callus to prove it.

yeah, so, i'm freaking out. i guess it's official. i've been waiting for this to go away, but since it's getting worse i have to bite the bullet and see a doctor. i use that term relatively, since i belong to kaiser, and as a long-time "beneficiary" of their care-giving, i can say with authority they ain't so great at taking care of bidness. like, back in college, i got a kidney stone, and they didn't even analyze it or follow up or anything--just thought it was really weird at my age and left it at that. when i got another stone after college, my new kaiser doctor (they're always new, the waiting list for regular physicians is months-long) was appalled that no one had investigated my first stone, and made general anti-hmo comments with which i heartily agreed. come to think of it, other kaiser doctors i've seen over the years have complained about the major limitations on their treatment regimens because of hmo bureaucratic garbage as well. so let's just say i don't have much faith in kaiser. they'll probably give me a wrist guard and send me home, and in the meantime my hand funkiness will end up having some neurological cause. crapola.

well, at least jonny is coming home from work at a decent hour tonight. for most of the past month he's been slaving away 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, launching a new site for calarts. not that we'll be doing anything exciting, probably just chilling with a movie, but still, it'll be nice to have him home before 10.