( Letter of Closing )

( This is long... )

( Joining the cult ;) )

Date:	2004-01-21 13:22
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla


Your element is Earth. I hate to say it but you are
down to earth. Stubborn and loyal. You tend to
want to nurture others and you are the one
person friends always come to for awnsers.
Without people like you others would be flying
over the edge because, whether you know it or
not you keep a steady beat to your life and
will end up where you want to in the end. There
is a sureness about you that is hard to match
that draws people to you. No matter what
happens the Earth keeps turning.


What's your element
brought to you by Quizilla


You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're the loving smile,the one that is entirely
devoted to others,especially that one
person.You really can't get them out of your
head,but then,you don't really want to.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's
beauty and just the life that no-one else sees.
Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't
mean you're not friendly!

Please rate ^^


What kind of dark person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


The Bringer of Night

The damned soul springs eternal. Your soul is the
poster child of all that this world tries to
hide. The truth of what is, and what is to
come. You see things in black and white and
you shun the grey area where the Lost Souls
reign. You may have once been considered one
of the Lost Souls but have been damned to the
Night. Left alone, and lost a love perhaps.
Something made you this dark soul that you are
today. Something of a tragedy. You seek
solace but none is to be found for you as long
as you remain wandering in the dark alone.

Open your eyes and let some light in.


What type of soul do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

Heh, been a while since I updated, I guess... Anyways, she brought the idea up with her mom and it didn't work out. She had brought it up before, but I guess her mom thought she was kidding. Now we have a response and it is turned down due to previous results of letting this happen with someone else, and a slight age difference. So now I have nothing to do during spring. Heh, and that was supposed to be my chance to officially ask her out. So, if anyone wants to do anything during the spring, shoot me up a call. Heh, well, that is all I want to update with for now, although some other things are really bothering me, but those are more personal...

Great, life is just great. Heh, now my friend just went and erased her journal.... all of it. So now, she is yelling at her sister, who I call my sis as well. Long story behind that, but I think of her like a lil sister. Anyways, so yeah, they are now mad at each other, though it is neither of their faults. So that is something that I have to clean up. Also, sis seems to think that for some reason I don't want her to be my sis anymore, though that is not true at all, she just needs space right now, because I believe I have been leading her too much. It's time for her to take up things on her own. She's strong enough to do it, she just doesn't believe in herself. Other than that screw up, things are weird between me and the first girl now, as I just found out that she still does care about me.... a lot, even though we haven't been dating since the beginning of August. And apparently something happened at that point in time that she won't tell me about which is the reason why we never really stayed together in the first place. Rar.... so many things going on to me. Then there is this other girl who I have been talking about in my past two posts, I have been asking her if I can come visit her over her spring break, she kept putting it off, but last night, or... this morning rather, she told me that she really does want me to come down and visit her now. So MAJOR plus there. Heh, so I guess things aren't all THAT bad... hehe Anyways, she and I have been talking a lot recently, and I got her started on GunBound and she seems to enjoy playing that with me. So we play that for about 2-3 hours a day. XD And one of my guild mates on GB taught me how to do bunnies on the computer. So...
()_()
(^.^) «Much love to all my friends out there»
(()())*
I have too much fun, don't I? Heh, and to make things even better, I am applying for more time at work. Now I will be working anywhere for 35-40 hours a week. —.— Don't I just have all the luck. Now to find out when her spring break is, so I can ask my supervisor for the week off. Shh, don't tell my mom, she'd kill me. XD Besides, I could use the vacation, take a trip to Florida and get some R&R.

Wow, this was a crappy start to what is supposed to be a fun year. Friends getting upset at each other, other friends telling me they want to run away. Let's see, how about friends finding out that loved ones are sick or that other loved ones are refusing to have surgery which would be considered vital to their living. Well, yea, in just 2 days, I'd say I have had the best year already... >< Anyways, along with that, she received the gift and loved it. She thought that the locket was pretty. Hehe, now all I have to do is make up for the hole that it put in my pocket. Also, along with that, things have been on the up with her, although I don't know if they are necissarily going anywhere anytime soon. But, I have the patience to see this through. Also, things at home have been both hectic and calm depending on the day, I am getting to see a lot of my sister's family. We are currently taking care of her dog as she and her family are in Georgia. My nephew is playing in his high school band at the Peach Bowl. I am currently taking a break from school and working full time. I need to make money so that I can go back to Virginia Tech, although the expenses for that are beyond my ability. I need to make about another 5k before I go back to school so that I have money for food, books, and activities. Heh, good luck to me. I guess that is it for now. So best wishes to all of you.

Date:	2003-09-30 01:56
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is knowing when to stop. You can go too far sometimes and push people to the point of hating you. My second girlfriend, Sami, would just never leave me alone. It's to the point that 2 years later she is still bothering me, and complaining to me and not getting the point that I want nothing to do with her. It's just so annoying that she keeps trying to do things to be with me. It took her a year to realize that I didn't want her back. How could I want someone who tried to get me in to bed with them when I didn't want to? Heck, she tried 4 times, and after every time I told her I didn't want it, and on the fourth time I just started hating her. I didn't know how to break up with someone so it just dragged on and on till I couldn't take it anymore and told her it was over.
Anyways, what I guess this is going to is the fact that I am doing the same thing to someone else. I think I am anyways. She keeps saying that no one wants to help her and I keep trying to help her all the time only to be pushed away every time. I keep going for it and pressing it to the point where she wants to hate me everytime I do it. But I just want her to know that I care about her, that I want her to be happy. I know I try hard, but is there such thing as trying too hard? I should ask that, because everything I do, I do with my whole-heart. I don't ever want to give up.
On with the rest of my life, I started college this past Wednesday in Econ 200, and I have been doing alright in that. Today was my first day of training for my new job. I will be working with Verizon OnLine in the east as a technical support personnel. Heh, call in sometime with a problem if you use them. xD Anyways, other than that, nothing much has been going on. Still trying to figure things out in my life and it doesn't get any easier. Always harder. I should update more so that my entries arent so long. Oh well, sorry about that.

The mind splits and the heart breaks
The world stops spinning
Everything that was known is now gone
and all because you've lost your love

Now the future seems dark and cloudy
The skies are lit only by street lights
The stars and the moon and the sun
They all left when you lost your love

People all around laughing
They've corrupted her heart
Turned love to hate and hate to love
And all you can do is watch

Climbing up the mountains
Steering through the jungles
You make your way back into the world
A world without love

What is left now

You've lost your love and can't get it back
You lost your faith in other people
Your friends are against you
You are even against yourself

So you run and hide
Shadows lurking all around
Darkness consuming light
Sadness searing through happiness

You've lost the ability to love
Until one day, the skies have opened up
They sent you an angel
And light is once again upon you

All you know now is love
All you want is love
But what if she can't love?

Date:	2003-09-04 00:32
Subject:	Im Back... WHEEEE
Security:	Public
Mood:	complacent

ok, i know this is something knew. i didnt know it was going to take me this long to come back. but i have been pretty busy over the summer. i was working at honda and definitely didnt have the greatest shift... 4pm - 12:30am ... plus time to get there and get back... so i didnt have much of a day. anyways, now that you know what ive done all summer long...
lets see, one of my best friends is getting married september 18th... so hey, another wedding for me to go to this year. mark that up as number three. you all knew about number one, and number two was just boring. this time im going to have fun again, cuz i will know people there. i think i should get myself a date, "Anyone out there want to be my guest at a wedding???" xD
heh, started dating a girl over the internet, and i haven't the foggiest on how that is going anymore. she doesn't talk to me anymore, so i am considering breaking up with her. heh, but i have my eyes on this other girl out there ;). oh well, thats it for now... huge catch up, huh?

Date:	2003-05-19 18:24
Subject:	my sister's wedding
Security:	Public
Mood:	energetic
Music:	What a Wonderful World -- Louis Armstrong

This is a conversation that myself and a friend had on Furc about my sister's wedding and everything that i think was funny that went on. i hope you all enjoy. i sure as heck did last night!!


You say, "alright... so... lets see... we had the wedding for my sis, and i was in it, so at the end of the wedding, we formed up the reception line"
You say, "and next to me stood two guys"
You say, "josh and dean"
You say, "anyways, josh spoke up while we were waiting for everyone, and he said "ooo, dean, we've got some fresh meat" in a gay accent"
Bloodrayne Fang nods
You say, "and dean spoke up, "back of josh, this one is mine""
Bloodrayne Fang smirks
You say, "so began our running joke of the night"
Bloodrayne Fang laughs
Bloodrayne Fang: that sounds like you had an interesting time
You say, "anyways, i spoke up and was like "ladies, ladies, there is enough of me to go around" in my best homosexual accent, and josh spoke up, "be careful, that guy next to you can be horny sometimes... i dont think hes gotten any recently""
You say, "i said, "well then, we are going to have some fuuun tonight!""
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "then, the people started coming... so we stopped that for a while... and just started cracking at the people..."
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "dean and i are both... involved with the air force... i guess involved is the right word... anyways, there was a master seargeant that was coming soon and we were like, we have to stand at attention when he gets here"
You say, "hehe..."
You say, "and one of the girls, i believe it was emily, but im not sure, i know it was one of the groom's sisters... either emily or megan... but yeah..."
Bloodrayne Fang smirks "And..."
You say, "but she through a bag of seeds at me, and john (the guy next to dean) was like, who did that... cuz he thought they were aiming for him... and i was like... dont worry, they were aiming for me..."
You say, "and so i picked the bag up and pretended to launch it at them, wind up and all, and they both ducked..."
You say, "but i wouldnt hurt a girl... its just not in me"
Bloodrayne Fang laughs "Thats good"
You say, "so i tossed it back at them..."
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "not at them... sorry, "to them""
You say, "i gave it back..."
Bloodrayne Fang: ah
Bloodrayne Fang: it truely sounds like you had fun
You say, "then after we threw all the seeds at my sis and her new husband, megan (this time im sure) threw a bag of seeds at john, and i had to hold him back, but then i picked up the bag of seeds and i tossed it back to megan, told her to hang onto them, and she gave them to the master sergeant who through them at david's (the groom's) butt... they were still in the bag"
You say, "oh, i havent gotten to the best parts"
You say, "lets see... it continued from there..."
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "we got to the reception... and boring stuff happened"
You say, "so, when we were seated at the head tables i was sitting between... yup you guessed it, dean and josh"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "and so we started to hit on eachother again"
Bloodrayne Fang smirks
Yoriku josh put his arm around me and started petting my side, he was like, " ooo we gonna have fun tonight" and dean took josh's arm and was like "mine... back off..."
You say, "i said, "i told you both not to fight""
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "and so i petted them both..."
You say, "hehe ... not like that"
You say, "i patted their backs..."
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
Bloodrayne Fang: i would hope not
You say, "so then, we went to get our food, and they kept telling me to drink my wine, i think you know why"
You say, "so yes... i told dean, after he finished dancing with the groom that he had to save a dance for me"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "my first dance was the bridal party dance, i had to dance with the girl i walked out, which was David's sister"
You say, "so we did our little close dance... i left a little something for later... but yeah"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "when they had the money dance, david's sisters danced with him, i kept telling them to grab his butt on camera"
You say, "the money dance is when you pay to dance with either the bride or the groom, which is when dean was dancing with david"
Bloodrayne Fang: o my lol
You say, "hehe, they wouldnt listen to me"
Bloodrayne Fang laughs
You say, "so, david's best man was sitting next to me, his name is ed, and i was like "ed, by the end of the night, im going to get smacked by megan, i just know it""
You say, "so... the next dance we did was the chicked dance..."
You say, "and boy, did everyone love me then, i had the best twist there"
You say, "hehe, every time we had to grind down, the entire floor was watching me"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "staring right at my butt... except the guys were going i cant believe he is doing that, and the girls were like, damn, hes got a fine @$$ ... or something... hehe"
You say, "anyways..."
You say, "then we had a couple of fast dances, and emily wouldnt come out, so i tried to drag her out... didnt work"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "i got dragged out several times, but oh well"
You say, "so when the slow dances started, she finally came out, and i danced with her, and megan danced with my nephew, i was like... lets do a circle... yes, i know, im whacko... so the four of us got in a circle and slow danced with eachother"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "then, chris, their cousin, came out and was like, what is wrong with you, whose idea was this? hehe i said, "it was mine" and winked at him, he laughed"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "and joined us, he was like... so you are really crazy, and all we are doing and turning and shifting... but wait, isnt that what most young people do today?"
You say, "so yeah, needless to say, the five of us were dancing in a circle..."
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "then, there were some more fast dances and i was finally loose enough to put on some moves, but my shoes kept sticking to the floor, so i took them off and went slipping and sliding across the floor"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol that sounds fun!
You say, "they played a medly of old songs to which me and some other people were singing to while dancing"
You say, "and i swing danced with two girls then"
You say, "hehe"
You say, "one at a time, of course3"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "but i tought them how to swing dance... as much as i could without having to do too much cuz they had long dresses on"
You say, "so then... lets see... slow dances again..."
You say, "this time i set my nephew up with emily, and had him dance really close to her with his hands on his hips.. "thats how you are supposed to do it" i said to him... and his mom got a picture while he was looking away, i laughed so hard... i think she was proud of him..."
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "then, i danced with megan on the next slow dance, not quite as close as i had aaron (my nephew) and emily, but close enough for now... and we had some fun then"
You say, "then the fast songs came back and i took off my vest so i could have more fun... hehe"
You say, "i was wearing a tux"
You say, "so anyways, i started break-dancing hehe, and i was the king of the floor, i tried to teach my nephews and their friend how to do it, but they were too slow... they didnt catch on, no matter how easy the move was..."
You say, "but yeah, so i just had fun myself"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "then the next slow dance, i danced with emily, and the two of us danced really close, she had her head on my shoulder (shes five years younger than me... but oh well) "
You say, "and we danced..."
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "and then i danced with her sister on the next song, and she kept saying she was tired... so she had her head on my shoulder (shes 2 and a half years younger than me) and i held her close while dancing with her"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "then i went out to get dean, cuz he still hadnt danced with me and the last dance of the night was coming up"
Bloodrayne Fang: o my lol
You say, "so he finally came back, but he danced with his girlfriend and i danced with megan again for a while, then he came back and said "well, i guess i can dance with you for a few minutes" so we danced for a little bit then he went back to his date, and i went back to megan and danced with her again"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "... she and i were the match for the wedding and entrance to the reception and the bridal party dance, i figured i ought to dance with her last, since she also didnt bring a date"
You say, "and plus she's a good girl"
You say, "now the part that will make you laugh... or something"
Bloodrayne Fang: go ahead
You say, "at the end of the dance dean and i, we kissed... (but only like the old movies, where they reach their hand around your back and place it on your lips where they kiss their hand) well, i was the one who kissed him, so i had my hand on his lips and kissed my hand..."
You say, "and my mom was like... "you did not just do that matt" she didnt see my hand"
You say, "haha"
You say, "and so he and i did it again, this time she saw what we did and was like, oh, ok"
You say, "so then me and josh kissed next and then i got ed... ed was like "what on earth?" but he didnt care too much"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
Bloodrayne Fang: my bro pulled that on my mom too
Bloodrayne Fang: it was funny
You say, "hehe"
You say, "so yes, but thats not all"
Bloodrayne Fang tilts head in interest
You say, "then, i was hanging around megan and emily... and megan poked aaron's butt, however, i wasnt there to withness it, so when he poked hers, i was like... "oh my god, i cannot believe you just did that, and playfully smacked him" and she was like, its ok, i did it to him first"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "... oh yes, i forgot to mention, the entire night we were tickling emily because she wouldnt do the fast dances and we kept trying to get her up there"
Bloodrayne Fang: ah lol
You say, "but anyways, megan kissed aaron and aaron wiped it off and we made fun of him... "oh no... cooties..." hehe, and megan said emily was the same way... so i asked emily if i could kiss her, she said "you can do anything you want to me", i said "oh really?" and she replied "yup" and so i tickled her and said "even this" she said anything but that"
You say, "so anyways, i kissed her cheek and i was surprised that she didnt wipe it off, cuz she always wipes off her brothers, mother's and sister's kisses... so i said "wow, she didnt wipe it off... hehe""
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "so... taking her up on her offer... about anything i want to do... i didnt do tooo much, but i grabbed her butt and she jumped and was like "i cant believe you just did that" and stormed off, and i followed apologizing, and then hugged her and she said it was ok..."
You say, "but megan was appalled that i would do something like that..."
You say, "umm... lets see..."
Bloodrayne Fang: lol
You say, "by the end of the night, they both kissed me, and 7 girls danced with me, and hugged me, another... entire room of girls gave me hugs... and another girl gave me a kiss"
You say, "... so i would say, it was a successful night"
Bloodrayne Fang: lol it seems so
You say, "and a damn exceptional one too"

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Date:	2003-05-11 12:40
Subject:	my white room
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	Six Feet From the Edge -- Creed

You leave me here all alone
Abandoned here, all by myself
I sit down in this white room
Knowing no where else to go
I face the walls, each the same
I face the ceiling with more pain
Laying down on the bed,
Closing my eyes, I see nothing
Only darkness, filling this room
The black covering up the white
Leaving me in more pain than before
I run and hide, in the corner
Feeling what its like
To truly be alone in the world
Having friends turn away from me
Watching people as they hurt themselves
I feel this world as it closes in
Waiting to realize the wrath
Of what it means to be friendless
My heart collapsing inside of me
Just slowly losing my strength
The strength which I willingly gave others
Is now being torn away from me
Pushing my way into the world
I face my daily life with pain
Left to face all the people around
All by myself, lonely I stand
Left to rot in this room of white
My own nightmare and my own dream come true
I feel these walls closing in on me
As the room again fills with darkness
Killing me once more


For those of you who know me on DA, you know Tag-Zero. She has been a great friend to me on DA, and I thought that she would always be there. But recently some things have been happening, and I don't know if she even gives a shit about me anymore. We helped each other through some tough times, and I wanted to be there for her always. In fact, I got so close to her, it felt like we were brother and sister. I started to call her my sis. Then, recently, she told me she didn't want to be my "sis" anymore, and i let it go without question, I figured maybe it just got too bad. But then, last night, we talked again, and she yelled at me. She told me that people can't really trust each other over the net, we can't really know that that person is who we think s/he is. I guess that makes sense, but where is all of the trust in the world? Why can we not just give each other the benefit of the doubt until they prove us wrong. I feel like the world is slowly collapsing on me, just dying around me. I am getting further and further away from my friends, and it all feels like its going to end. I have no where left to go. I turned to her for everything, because I thought that she would always be there. Now, I see that I was wrong. I still care for her like my sister, I can't let it end like this. Leena, if you read this, what ever it is that I did to cause you to hate me like this, I'm sorry.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	78.3% Never taken out of the packaging	60.1%
Shamelessness	97.6% Has yet to see self in mirror	75.7%
Sex Drive	94.7% The Pope is envious	73.7%
Straightness	75% Just go fuck something, okay?	38.6%
Gayness	100%	77.4%
Fucking Sick	98.2% Refreshingly normal	87%
You are 88.49% pure Average Score: 68.1%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Date:	2003-05-02 07:14
Subject:	Another eventful day
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated
Music:	End of the World as We Know IT -- REM

well, lete see where to start. Didnt get much sleep two nights ago, in fact, got a whole two hours. then started playing the game Furcadia... i think im addicted..... anyways, yes, so a friend got on who also used lj and she told me to read it. i did, and tried to find if there was a way to convince her otherwise against those thoughts and in the process met a new friend who i shall name Dark for now. Dark is 19, lives in Nashville, Tenessee and is a very friendly girl. so yeah, i went to talking to her after my friend left and found out that she and i are very similar. why do i keep running into people who are similar to me? continuing with that, i believe that something might spark from that, .... if not, my emotions be damned forever.
next thing to happen was i was dragged out into the halls for belt wars. its what the freshmen have to do to get the upperclassmen belts. so we were given our leather belts and told to fold them in half and bite down as hard as we could in the middle. then we were dragged through the halls by the upperclassmen. i was pulled by 5 people before i lost my grip... should have held on harder. after that, came back in my room to chat with my friends on furc again, only to be dragged out of my room again, this time by my friends. they were going to hogtie me to a chair with duct tape. i fought back against 6 of my friends, one of which was a wrestler and is a marine... and i got loose after about 15 minutes worth of fighting them. i wasnt going to let them hogtie me at all. so yeah... came back to my room.
then was met upon by and interesting proposition which we wont go into at all. a friend of mine made an offer i couldnt say no to, so yeah.... thats all that will be said. met some people on furc who decided to not like me for whatever reason they chose. so i guess as of now... my day is horrible. then, another friend got online and had an interesting story to tell that wasnt a happy one in the least and now my day is worse. my friend, Dark, keeps getting kicked off the net because she had a storm there, and it was a pretty one from what i heard. but she got on late last night, and we talked for like 15 minutes before, POOF, she was gone again. remind me to get her number next time... hehe. then, i made the ass horrible mistake of almost screwing up a close friends relationship. she forgives me... but i still cannot forgive myself. and i know if the situation was switched... it would be just the same for her. i seriously did not have a great day aside from meeting Dark, and that proposition. GRRRR!!!

Date:	2003-04-28 22:58
Subject:	Ragnarok Online is EVIL
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated
Music:	Closing Time

so yes, come two o'clock i sign onto the ragnarok page to registrate only to find out that they changed the regi date. not only that, but i remember that i missed a meeting with my superior officers at noon. god, can things get any worse. later on, tonight, i was playing a game online and i ran into some friends who were also having problems. i wish... i wish that things would start to look up for me. everytime i feel like shit, like every friend of mine feels the same way, just for different reasons, GRRR. life sux and i cant do anything about it.

the piano is the source of my strength. whenever i am having a bad day or in this case a bad weekend, i have the piano for comfort. i sit in front of the piano and just play. whatever comes to my mind ... is played. yesterday, i spent hours at the piano... it felt so good just to get those emotions out of me. now, i have to go back, but for other reasons. oh, why is my life such hell. the piano has become my best friend. music knows my heart like nothing else. i just wish that someone could know my heart like music does, that in some way i could find someone that knows me so well that they wouldnt be afraid of falling in love. but, that will never happen to me. too many people find me as too great a friend to risk for anything else. so i am stuck getting left behind in the dust, having to conceal my emotions once again because i still love them worth more than they will ever know. the person who this is about will never see this, because i dont want to hurt her, i dont want her to feel bad about this. dont ask me who this is about, even if you think you know, keep it to yourself. anyways, i was talking to her, and it seemed like something was there, yet again. only to have her tell me that she just wants to be friends. she loves me like a friend, even a little more, but she doesnt want to see me get too emotionally involved... oops, too late. oh well, time to put those feelings away, for the 4th time. lucky me.

everyone always tells me how i would make some lady so very lucky, yet i dont see how i can if no one ever gives me a chance. all my female friends just say how sweet i am, how gentle and caring and loving i am. blah blah blah... so if i am all of that, whats wrong with it being you and me? i just dont understand love, i wish i did. i want too bad to know what i am doing wrong, why if they say this, they are too afraid to risk love with me. why do i always run into loves so fast, so blind, so willing to go further and then i get shoved face first into the dirt, tasting all that nasty shit on the ground. leave it to matt to have the worst love life possible.

here i am, ready to cry again. twice in less than a week. before this, i hadnt cried since my grandfather died. my heart just becomes more and more fragile with time. just thinking aout how much i love her, or any of the past girls, hurts... too much. i need to put this behind me, but i cant, its too hard. i just want to stand up and tell her that i cant let her go, but i dont want to hurt her. what should i do? where do i go, where do i turn? i know that there are problems that would keep it from working to begin with, but love is like that. you just have to overcome them.

my friend wes, met a girl who came visiting for summer break to work from slovenia, she was engaged at that point in time to someone back hom, but they fell in love after she went back home, because they stayed in touch. she broke it off with her fiance, and they havent seen eachother since summer with the exception of a week for valentines. they made it work from long distance, and that proves the strength of love. so if it can work for them, cant it work for others as well?

i just wish that someone had the answers for me, that someone could tell me what im doing wrong. i wish that i wouldnt fall in love so fast. i wish that my heart wasnt so weak. i wish that i could be something that i cant. why do i wish this? because nothing ever goes my way in love. it always works against me. love hates me. i know i have said this before, but i know, especially now, that it is true. love just pulls at me so hard, it wants me to fall into its trap. and because i find it so enchanting, i always do. maybe i am too old fashioned, or too much of a romantic for this contemporary period. but its just who i am. i just wish things could work for me. im sorry to make all you read this pile of depressing shit, but now i need to go play the piano and cry my eyes out... if i make it to the practice rooms before i start crying... good bye alls

Date:	2003-04-25 12:20
Subject:	well, problem solved
Security:	Public
Mood:	complacent
Music:	Never Let You Go -- Third Eye Blind

i guess thats the best title for this, but it isnt exactly solved in my opinion. it ended, and now she doesnt even want to be friends. to some of you out there who know me, or to yourself, this is a familiar story. i kept pushing to be a friend, and i did everything in my power to set it like that, but she said that she cant live with that. that once she has felt love from me, then that is the only thing she will be willing to accept from me. only a couple of you know why i cannot love her, and to you, this i guess is justified. i just ... love is too blind, you dont think about the after-effects until it comes time for them to happen, and its like jumping of sears' tower and hitting the ground. especially when you fall as far as i did in love. i dont know, maybe i am destined to never love, maybe the person out there just doesnt want to be found. but for me, it feels like everything has just hit me in the face once again. sometimes i just want to run away, be on my own for a few days, escape everything and just empty my mind... DAMN SCHOOL !!!


on a better note, my deviantart page is developing, i am nearing my 1k mark, WHEEEE!!! so i hope to see that before i go home, because i will be adding a lot over the next 2 weeks. for all my friends out there, thank you for being supportive of me in this time and offering a hand to help me up. it meant a lot to me that so many people care about me, and i am sorry to have bogged you all down. i hope that you are all having a wonderful week, please, compensate for mine.


weekend news:
I have a pass and review parade today sometime between 230 and 5, and another pass and review parade tomorrow sometime around 10. I become an upperclassman tomorrow, so i am happy. i will actually be allowed to talk in the halls WOOHOO!!! hehe, i will be taking advantage of that as much as possible. also, i will be turned to the upperclassmen tomorrow, so i have a heck of a lot of names to learn before the end of the year... hehe.. my parents are coming down today to see me march in those parades, and to see me become a ratomore (sophmore status in the corps). hehe, lucky me, at least something is going well this week!! :D
>^.^< Matt

what the hell is wrong with me? why do i always fall so hard? why is it everytime i choose to fall in love i get hurt, they get hurt, or both? am i destined never to love? i cant stand this feeling. i havent cried so hard since my grandfather died. i cant stop crying, its so bad i cant even stand up. every time i fall in love something happens. liz told me i didnt know what love was, sami wouldnt listen to me, and tracey cheated on me. the only problem is i see is that i dont know how to control myself. i just seem to always fall all the way into love with no way out. i dig my hole so deep that when it happens i get stuck. i dont even know if i want to try anymore. im so sick and tired of being run over. i dont even know who to talk to anymore. i always run and hide when i cry, i just cant help it. i wish there was someone here to hug me right now. i wish there was someway i wouldnt fall so hard. why does everything happen around exam time? last time one of my best friends, his mother died. she was more than just his mother to me. i just... i dont know. ill stop depressing you now.
Matt

Date:	2003-04-21 09:33
Subject:	what a boring weekend
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

I know, i need to update more. i guess my life has slowed down since initiation. hehe, thats a good thing. lots of things are coming up this week... so yeah... much fun
this past weekend was boring as hell. i did absolutely nothing but chat with my friends and raise/lower the flag every single day. most people did it once or twice a week, oh no, i was lucky, i got to do it 4 times..... anyways, this weekend was utterly horrible in terms of me being social here on campus. then again, not many people were here, so ... so much for that. friday night, i chatted with my new friend *wink* jaime. saturday, a fellow poet on deviant came back home, so i got to say hey to her. saturday night, a friend and i, two of the three that were still here this weekend, we went to El Guadalupes for dinner, much fun, got a big dinner there, had awesome service, left a big tip (about 45%... hehe, im a nice guy). yesterday, called just about everyone in my family to wish them a happy easter, got to talk to my cousin and aunts which i havent spoken to since my graduation party or even before that last year. that was fun. oh well, sorry for the long entry
Matt