So I'm taking it again.

and I wonder constantly whether I feel happy because I'm on it or just because I'm faking it, I can't really tell anymore.
I had this all worded out in my head earlier what I wanted to say but now it's faded from my memory.

I feel empty.

I would rather be alone then feel this hollow inside.
I think I was meant to be alone and I think I would prefer it that way.

Have you ever wondered why Coke comes with a smile? It’s because it gets you high. They took the cocaine out almost a hundred years ago. You know why? It was redundant.

* In The First 10 minutes: 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system. (100% of your recommended daily intake.) You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because phosphoric acid cuts the flavor allowing you to keep it down.
* 20 minutes: Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin burst. Your liver responds to this by turning any sugar it can get its hands on into fat. (There’s plenty of that at this particular moment)
* 40 minutes: Caffeine absorption is complete. Your pupils dilate, your blood pressure rises, as a response your livers dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The adenosine receptors in your brain are now blocked preventing drowsiness.
* 45 minutes: Your body ups your dopamine production stimulating the pleasure centers of your brain. This is physically the same way heroin works, by the way.
* >60 minutes: The phosphoric acid binds calcium, magnesium and zinc in your lower intestine, providing a further boost in metabolism. This is compounded by high doses of sugar and artificial sweeteners also increasing the urinary excretion of calcium.
* >60 Minutes: The caffeine’s diuretic properties come into play. (It makes you have to pee.) It is now assured that you’ll evacuate the bonded calcium, magnesium and zinc that was headed to your bones as well as sodium, electrolyte and water.
* >60 minutes: As the rave inside of you dies down you’ll start to have a sugar crash. You may become irritable and/or sluggish. You’ve also now, literally, pissed away all the water that was in the Coke. But not before infusing it with valuable nutrients your body could have used for things like even having the ability to hydrate your system or build strong bones and teeth.

This will all be followed by a caffeine crash in the next few hours. (As little as two if you’re a smoker.) But, hey, have another Coke, it’ll make you feel better.

http://www.healthbolt.net/2006/12/08/what-happens-to-your-body-if-you-drink-a-coke-right-now/

I'm still falling only now I can't sleep.
I am not sure what I'm going to do or how much more I can take.

All I know is that everyday I wish for the same thing and it just seems like it's not happening and I can't stand it.

Everyday I wish something horrible would happen because I'm scared to ever take it upon myself to do anything and everyday I am safe and sound and continue to wake up and be disappointed....

Kiss me I'm falling.

Started on new meds yesterday. Wish me luck.

Today I had an interesting talk with our Mayo clinic driver.
He's a nice older man with amazing sunglasses that clip onto his the lenses of his regular thick glasses.
I think his name is Paul, he has to be 60 something years old.
Anyways, I decided to ask him if he gets bored driving around all day, and how many stops he had etc.. I have never really talked to him before until today.
He told me of course he gets bored, and asked me if I did and I said of course.
He then told me about this job he used to have, he was an air traffic controller for more than ten years, but had to leave because his blood pressure went to high.
He also was in the air force for 4 years.
Paul said that he used to get bored to tears doing air traffic control and that he would sometimes hope there would be plane crashes.

One time, it was so foggy that a plane that was heading for the runway to land missed, and instead crashed onto the adjacent fenced off golf course, when the pilot realized this he hit the after burners and jumped the fence. The plane proceeded to burst into flames. They lost contact and he sent one of the trucks out to find out what the eff was going on.
The truck hit something and couldn't go any farther so they went on foot. 100 yards from the truck, there was a plane engulfed in flames. The fog was so thick they couldn't even see it.
The pilot survived, and the navigator actually took off into the woods because he began having a flashback from Vietnam. It took police three days to get him out of the woods because he was shooting at police and everything!
I thought it was crazy!
So basically, any job that you have eventually will become bored unless you really enjoy it.

I'm totally inspired.
I will be me again.

No.
I will be better.

My teeeeeeef hurt.


NO, seriously.
I woke up and my teeth are effing killing me.
Does a cavity hurt? Maybe I have one of those. It's traveling through my upper jaw and to the top of my head.

and the child was screaming which exacerbated the whole pain thing too.

I hate you.
I hate you so much.

No more dreams. No ambition. Everything is gone.

Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you.

10 strange coincidences.

1. A bullet that reached its destiny years later
   Henry Ziegland thought he had dodged fate. In 1883, he broke off a relationship with his girlfriend who, out of distress, committed suicide. The girl’s brother was so enraged that he hunted down Ziegland and shot him. The brother, believing he had killed Ziegland, then turned his gun on himself and took his own life. But Ziegland had not been killed. The bullet, in fact, had only grazed his face and then lodged in a tree. Ziegland surely thought himself a lucky man. Some years later, however, Ziegland decided to cut down the large tree, which still had the bullet in it. The task seemed so formidable that he decided to blow it up with a few sticks of dynamite. The explosion propelled the bullet into Ziegland’s head, killing him. (Source: Ripley’s Believe It or Not!)
2. Twin Boys, twin lives
   The stories of identical twins’ nearly identical lives are often astonishing, but perhaps none more so than those of identical twins born in Ohio. The twin boys were separated at birth, being adopted by different families. Unknown to each other, both families named the boys James. And here the coincidences just begin. Both James grew up not even knowing of the other, yet both sought law-enforcement training, both had abilities in mechanical drawing and carpentry, and each had married women named Linda. They both had sons whom one named James Alan and the other named James Allan. The twin brothers also divorced their wives and married other women - both named Betty. And they both owned dogs which they named Toy. Forty years after their childhood separation, the two men were reunited to share their amazingly similar lives. (Source: Reader’s Digest, January 1980)
3. Just like Edgar Allan Poe’s book
   In the 19th century, the famous horror writer, Egdar Allan Poe, wrote a book called ‘The narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym’. It was about four survivors of a shipwreck who were in an open boat for many days before they decided to kill and eat the cabin boy whose name was Richard Parker. Some years later, in 1884, the yawl, Mignonette, foundered, with only four survivors, who were in an open boat for many days. Eventully the three senior members of the crew, killed and ate the cabin boy. The name of the cabin boy was Richard Parker.
4. Twin brothers, killed on the same road, two hours apart
   On 2002, Seventy-year-old twin brothers have died within hours of one another after separate accidents on the same road in northern Finland. The first of the twins died when he was hit by a lorry while riding his bike in Raahe, 600 kilometres north of the capital, Helsinki. He died just 1.5km from the spot where his brother was killed. “This is simply a historic coincidence. Although the road is a busy one, accidents don’t occur every day,” police officer Marja-Leena Huhtala told Reuters. “It made my hair stand on end when I heard the two were brothers, and identical twins at that. It came to mind that perhaps someone from upstairs had a say in this,” she said. (Source: BBC News)
5. Three suicide attempts, all stopped by the same Monk
   Joseph Aigner was a fairlly well-known portrait painter in 19th century Austria who, apparently, was quite an unhappy fellow: he several times attempted suicide. His first attempt was at the young age of 18 when he tried to hang himself, but was interrupted by the mysterious appearance of a Capuchin monk. At age 22 he again tried to hang himself, but was again saved from the act by the very same monk. Eight years later, his death was ordained by others who sentenced him to the gallows for his political activities. Once again, his life was saved by the intervention of the same monk. At age 68, Aiger finally succeeded in suicide, a pistol doing the trick. His funeral ceremony was conducted by the same Capuchin monk - a man whose name Aiger never even knew. (Source: Ripley’s Giant Book of Believe It or Not!)
6. Poker winnings, to the unsuspected son
   In 1858, Robert Fallon was shot dead, an act of vengeance by those with whom he was playing poker. Fallon, they claimed, had won the $600 pot through cheating. With Fallon’s seat empty and none of the other players willing to take the now-unlucky $600, they found a new player to take Fallon’s place and staked him with the dead man’s $600. By the time the police had arrived to investigate the killing, the new player had turned the $600 into $2,200 in winnings. The police demanded the original $600 to pass on to Fallon’s next of kin - only to discover that the new player turned out to be Fallon’s son, who had not seen his father in seven years! (Source: Ripley’s Giant Book of Believe It or Not!)
7. A novel that unsuspectedly described the spy next door
   When Norman Mailer began his novel Barbary Shore, there was no plan to have a Russian spy as a character. As he worked on it, he introduced a Russian spy in the U.S. as a minor character. As the work progressed, the spy became the dominant character in the novel. After the novel was completed, the U.S. Immigration Service arrested a man who lived just one floor above Mailer in the same apartment building. He was Colonel Rudolf Abel, alleged to be the top Russian spy working in the U.S. at that time. (Source: Science Digest)
8. Mark Twain and Halley’s Comet
   Mark Twain was born on the day of the appearance of Halley’s Comet in 1835, and died on the day of its next appearance in 1910. He himself predicted this in 1909, when he said: “I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it.”
9. Three strangers on a Train, with complementary last names
   In the 1920s, three Englishman were traveling separately by train through Peru. At the time of their introduction, they were the only three men in the railroad car. Their introductions were more surprising than they could have imagined. One man’s last name was Bingham, and the second man’s last name was Powell. The third man announced that his last name was Bingham-Powell. None were related in any way. (Source: Mysteries of the Unexplained)
10. Two brothers killed by the same taxi driver, one year apart
    In 1975, while riding a moped in Bermuda, a man was accidentally struck and killed by a taxi. One year later, this man’s bother was killed in the very same way. In fact, he was riding the very same moped. And to stretch the odds even further, he was struck by the very same taxi driven by the same driver - and even carrying the very same passenger! (Source: Phenomena: A Book of Wonders, John Michell and Robert J. M. Rickard)

I'm causing a great deal of concern among the people I know.

They have no idea.

Relax!

Sometimes when I watch people play with the baby, I secretly think they are retarded.
Then I only play with him when no one is around.

TODAY
updated 9:59 a.m. ET, Tues., May. 20, 2008

Television executives seized the idea long ago: American families value where they plant their roots. The Cosbys had Brooklyn. The Cunninghams, Milwaukee. The Simpsons, Springfield. But fathers face reality when they're not in prime time. They want to raise their children somewhere safe, where they can attend good schools with favorable student-teacher ratios, above-average test scores and respectable budgets. Plenty of museums, parks and pediatricians also contribute to a good quality of life, whereas multihour commutes, expensive houses and divorcing friends and neighbors do not. Best Life editors used these categories and data from the U.S. Census Bureau, the National Center for Education Statistics, the FBI, the American Association of Museums, the National Center for Health Statistics and the American Bar Association to evaluate 257 cities. Here are the best — and worst — places to raise a family.

1      Honolulu, Hawaii — Schools spend almost $9,000 per pupil, unemployment ranks less than half the national average, and you can play on the island of O'ahu's 125 beaches.
2      Virginia Beach, Virginia
3      Billings, Montana
4      Columbus, Georgia
5      San Diego, California
6      Des Moines, Iowa
7      Minneapolis, Minnesota
8      Madison, Wisconsin — Madison has a high number of pediatricians per capita.
9      Colorado Springs, Colorado
10    Santa Rosa, California
11    Wichita, Kansas
12    Los Angeles, California
13    Corona, California
14    Austin, Texas
15    Stamford, Connecticut
16    Omaha, Nebraska
17    Naperville, Illinois
18    Fort Wayne, Indiana
19    Springfield, Illinois
20    Boise, Idaho
21    Manchester, New Hampshire
22    South Bay Area, California
23    New York, New York
24    Fontana, California
25    Louisville, Kentucky
26    Plano, Texas
27    Oceanside, California
28    Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
29    Sacramento, California
30    Ann Arbor, Michigan
31    Reno, Nevada
32    Las Vegas, Nevada
33    Lincoln, Nebraska
34    San Bernardino, California
35    Grand Rapids, Michigan
36    Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina — Median value of a home: $202,733
37    Kansas City, Kansas
38    Fremont, California
39    Buffalo, New York
40    Berkeley, California
41    Cambridge, Massachusetts
42    Kansas City, Missouri
43    Waterbury, Connecticut
44    Syracuse, New York
45    Phoenix, Arizona
46    Albuquerque, New Mexico
47    Akron, Ohio
48    Boston, Massachusetts
49    Escondido, California
50    Fairfield, California

Question: number of horns on a unicorn
Answer: number of horns on a unicorn = 1

Question: the answer to life, the universe and everything
Answer: the answer to life, the universe and everything = 42

Question: What’s the answer to life, the universe and everything multiplied by the speed of light divided by three teaspoons?
Answer: (the answer to life, the universe and everything multiplied by the speed of light) divided by (three US teaspoons) = 8.51523874 × 1014 m-2 s-1

Question: how many seconds in a decade?
Answer: 1 decade = 315 569 260 seconds

Question: 14 to binary
Answer: 14 = 0b1110

Question: e^((pi)*i)+3
Answer: (e^(pi * i)) + 3 = 2

Question: 15th root of 1024
Answer: 15th root of 1 024 = 1.58740105

Question: what is the golden ratio
Answer: the golden ratio = 1.61803399

Question: 1 smoot in feet
Answer: 1 smoot = 5.58333333 feet

Question: 1 cubit in feet
Answer: 1 cubit = 1.5 feet

Question: 1 hand in feet
Answer: 1 hand = 0.333333333 feet

Question: 1 span in feet
Answer: 1 span = 0.75 feet

Question: 1 flemish ell in feet
Answer: 1 flemish ell = 2.25 feet

Question: 1 fathom in feet
Answer: 1 fathom = 6 feet

Taken from http://www.officialdatingresource.com/where-do-babies-come-from/

I got this from Sean and never posted it here.
IT'S OMFG AWESOME.

23 Mar 06 Thursday


7:20 PM - email from sean

OMFG so awesome

My top 10 moments with you...

10) Going on smoke breaks at the nut house with you in nothing but a johnny...

9) Although sad, it was my pleasure to be there for you during some of the tough times when talking to your mom/dad.

8) Pretending to be asleep yet staring at each other while smiling because we thought psycho ********* just came into the door...

7) Going for 7-11 runs and Bill&Bobs in the middle of the night due to a snack attack.

6) Caring for you after your tonsils were removed... Ummm, Can I have another Italian Ice?

5) Spending hours and hours in hospitals and doctor offices worried about you yet laughing at the stupidest things...

4) Knowing full well and good you were reuniting with Tony yet seeing how nervous you were about telling me... Like I could ever hate you???

3) Driving forever after not sleeping for a week for a lesbo rendezvous.... :) hahaha...

2) Giving you a safe and warm place to call home until I screwed it all up.

1) Finding someone who I truly clicked with who didn't judge me without the whole story and who made me feel alive again and truly brought me back from the depths of a very serious bout of depression...

You are and will remain my closest confidant and friend... I love ya and miss you deeply to the point that these words don't even do my feelings justice.

SO, after being awake with Maverick for a million hours, fussy uncomfortable, and squirmy etc.. He FINALLY falls asleep!
After about 20 mins and waiting until he was really asleep, I give in to temptation and eat something. I am ravenous because of this wicked crash diet BTW.
I finally decide it's perfectly fine to go and devour a small bit of food in the kitchen but only if the baby stays asleep. I decide on cereal as a reward. I am physically moved by the sight of the cereal so much so, that I have to leave the room and gets mike's camera and take a picture. (The pictures are below)
After I finally get all situated and I'm so hungry I decide I want more to eat and I'm hitting things and opening things and dropping stuff in the kitchen...Maverick is sleeping.
I sit down to eat and every SINGLE time I take a bite he makes a small noise but doesn't cry. I get up and check on him... then I stop checking on him and start chewing quieter and slower as if he can hear that from two rooms away.
PFFT. LIke that is going to do anything.

Published by: Codrut Nistor, in News


For a few years, TorrentSpy has been one of the most popular BitTorrent indexing sites, with more than one 1,000,000 torrents indexed back in August 2007, and a few thousands new ones being added daily. The battle against it was long, and the first successful move was made back in May 2005, when the site was forced to remove all torrents of Star Wars: Episode III, after a stolen workprint of the film was leaked to the Internet. Anyway, it seems now this is all a part of the past...

Hot TorrentSpy fan…

...because on May 7, a federal judge decided that TorrentSpy should pay the Motion Picture Association of America no less than $110 million, and despite the fact they may not be able to recover this amount from TorrentSpy's principles Justin Bunnell and Wes Parker, who have filed for bankruptcy, the message is clear - MPAA is on a killing spree, and the hunt is not over yet!

In the end, it's good to see that TorrentSpy went down with dignity, without betraying its users, and that's something more important than MPAA's victory. Here's the message present on the site now:

"Friends of TorrentSpy,

We have decided on our own, not due to any court order or agreement, to bring the Torrentspy.com search engine to an end and thus we permanently closed down worldwide on March 24, 2008.

The legal climate in the USA for copyright, privacy of search requests, and links to torrent files in search results is simply too hostile. We spent the last two years, and hundreds of thousands of dollars, defending the rights of our users and ourselves.

Ultimately the Court demanded actions that in our view were inconsistent with our privacy policy, traditional court rules, and International law; therefore, we now feel compelled to provide the ultimate method of privacy protection for our users - permanent shutdown.

It was a wild ride,

The TorrentSpy Team"

These being said, I have no other words than "Rest in Peace, TorrentSpy. You may be gone, but you'll never be forgotten!"

12:22:18 PM boice1: pregnancy test?
12:23:05 PM sarah: HA
12:23:07 PM sarah: never again!
12:23:21 PM sarah: i'm goanna get a membership at planned parenthood
12:23:39 PM sarah: i hear after you get two abortions they give you a card like at the car wash
12:23:41 PM boice1: :) You can build frequent "flyer" points!
12:23:54 PM sarah: then after its stamped five time you get a free one!!!
12:23:55 PM sarah: lol


12:47:02 PM Boice1061: its true
12:47:04 PM Boice1061: u can
12:47:41 PM sarah: what's true
12:49:20 PM Boice1061: they even put a little fresh smelly tree
12:49:34 PM Boice1061: hanging on ur box
12:49:59 PM sarah: as long as its the new car smell i'd be alright with that