I really want - no, probably need - to get out of this wretched place. The issue is, I wouldn't begin to know how. I have a horrible feeling of dread when it comes to living on my own. I absolutely do not want to be by myself, period, but even with a friend the deathtrap of a lifestyle my parents have made for me has set me back years. And it's not like I have a bunch of great friends in this Hellhole anyway. I maybe have like two to three people who even give a fuck at all, and the worst part is I still can't talk to anyone here about everything I'd like to. Even so, I guess anything is better than living a life I despise as I it is now.

I got into a fight with my parents about how much I hate my mom's job. She's never fucking home, and it seems whenever she comes home she goes to sleep right away. On her days off, she'll go out somewhere and shit. And I'm always the one left sitting at home alone doing nothing. She said it was because she had to maintain the lifestyle my brother and I were used to. The lifestyle that pretty much makes us dependent on them. I'll admit, I'd hate not to have such a lifestyle, but I know once I'm out on my own I won't magically have it either. She claimed there was no other job she could possibly have, but it's not like she ever fucking tried.

I've decided I don't want to go to Harford Community anymore, simply because I don't want to be here. I want to think of a way to live someplace else, with someone else.

I was this close to spilling everything to you last night. I don't know if that would have been relieving or painful, or both, but as usual fear - particularly of rejection - held me back. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to do it. After all, I told myself I would almost a month ago. I do know I've never been this determined in my life, though. And I've never felt so genuinely and honestly generous towards an outside person, with feelings and with possessions. That is, it's hard to resist the urge to buy you presents for any excusable occasion. The last conversation we had scared me off more than ever, I think. It just felt like there were no possibilities anymore. Like even if I finally managed to at the least say something, it would be quickly shot down, because it would never be accepted. Something along those lines. I've spent the last two hours pondering methods of confession in my head. Or at least methods of hinting. I'm being to wonder if this is one of them. Sometimes I think I'm way too obvious, after all, or maybe that you're way too oblivious. But sometimes I think I'm probably too secretive and that's the problem. Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm praying you'll figure it out and speak up first, because I'm just no good at approaching people on serious matters. It'd be even better if you felt similarly to me. And all this is before I even think about other possible complications - ones I'd prefer not to get into at the moment. I know they don't matter to me; my main concern always, always seems to be you. What's even worse... unconfident me sometimes feels like there is something on your side, but maybe that's just the way you are, or my hopeful imagination. Damn, it still hasn't stopped hurting thinking about this - and you - since the first time I realized my real feelings. It's obvious they aren't going away. I half want them to, and half don't.

Loved ones damage you the most.

It's been a while. I only seemed to think of this thing again because I guess it's been a while since I've hit such a low. I guess I never realized how much venting through my keyboard helped me. It's not as boggled as my mind - I think. Even after all this time, even the tiniest things can spark negative thinking. Today I realized that, even if I've felt a lot better these past few months than I used to, I am not at all happy with the way my life is turning out. I'm beginning to wonder if it's possible to feel completely, purely happy in my situation. I don't know how a person can be happy when they're quite literally stuck in a situation they can't change, but also can't compromise. A conversation I'd had today reminded me that I'm never, ever going to be what I want to be. And if it's so hard for me to accept it, can anyone else possibly do it? I mean, relationships seem so black and white, as far as this issue goes; it's hard enough to find a person you can mutually love, but how you can find one that accepts... It feels impossible. And I know I don't want to live a lie forever, especially when the perfect person does come along. Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead, but as I said, I can't do anything to change the situation. Even if I could, I'm so fucked up that it's not like I'd be accepted then either. For all I know, it might be even worse than now...

I just hate it so much. Whatever force there is to blame - nature, religion - I despise it.

Enough to look for simulation games and 3D chats. I've decided to amuse myself with IMVU for a little while again too, so I'd appreciate it if visitors clicked the ad and created an account so I can get some credits. Then, all you have to do is download the chat client and chat. If you could have five chats I'd be super grateful, because that's the max amount of credits I can get out of you xD;

IMVU - The World's Greatest 3D Chat

Yes, this is a sad last resort.

First of all, my fucking fight with Nate, which just makes Jackie more worried, apparently, about the relationship between us. Which has never been good, but I'm pretty much back to hating him again. He's just an ass.

Second of all, Timi is a bitch. Got mad at me for making a black joke and refused to talk to me, therefore we fail half our final. Like I give a damn; a great part of me is happy to see her grade drop, though. Especially after I found out she'd been talking about being mad at me /before/ that. With SARAH, of all people.

And then this guy, Verdi, believed it was amusing to "pretend" to gossip about me just to see what my reaction would be. What a fucking douche bag.

I hate all of these people. I can't wait until school ends. 5 days.

I don't know how to tell you.

I really want to, but I'm too scared.

But God, it hurts so badly.

Hot.

♥

You make me want to kill myself.

“Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you."

Didn't turn out quite as clear as my eye, but you can still see some of the littler details.

Finally, I've felt good enough to post something a little more positive than what I have been lately. I had a really tough week, last week, though. Haven't been to school in seven or eight days, and today was my first [half] day back. Had to leave to go see my therapist. Second session, but I actually managed to talk and I did feel a little alleviated, although I'm not very convinced by the things she's told me so far.

Anyway, I hope to have a busy weekend. Supposed to go to the John Carrol Fair this weekend, on Friday with Mia and on Saturday with Jackie. And then Jackie is going to come over so I can do her up and shoot some pictures of her xD; Apparently, she likes the way I take photographs - and do makeup. I'm looking forward to that one. God knows I love to experiment with other people's faces. If it's successful, I'll probably post a few here.

Mainly, it's because my camera is better than I gave it credit for. The other day I took some self-portraits and they came out shockingly well.



I'd say the quality is up there with a lot of professional photographs, in that one. I'd also say it's really creepy >3 Too bad my makeup was sort of wearing off; my eyelids look a little too steely for my taste. That and the fact that you can see my little hairs is weird xD;

Also, count down till the end of this wretched school year: about five weeks. I hope it somehow starts to pick up the pace. Right now it feels like it's taking forever.

I've made it my goal to break skin.

My insane mood swings generally lead to a new entry. Otherwise, I never have much else to say. One day, I'll have a log of my extreme "emo-ness," as some would so casually refer to it as. If it ever ends.

Today, I went out, but as usual, spent most of my time with that sick, anxious feeling of wanting to go back home. I don't understand it; I hate being home. But at the same time, I get really sick whenever I go out.

And now that I have my Sidekick, I basically spent the majority of my time out on the phone, texting or IMing or using the Web Browser. I am ridiculously addicted to the internet, to the point where it really does affect my life. It's become like some sort of comfort blanket for me.

I think a huge reason is that I really do have issues with aloneness. Given, when I'm out, I'm usually not alone, but I spend so much time at home now because of these issues... and all of that time is usually online, or with internet access on hand. When you're online, it feels like you can always find at least ONE person to talk to. I need that one person every single minute I'm actually conscious, or I get really bad.

Sometimes it makes me question my identity. Does a normal person have that many facets to their personality, like I do, or are they more simple? I act so differently around so many different people, but am still myself. It doesn't seem natural. And sometimes I strive to be more "interesting". If people get bored, they'll leave.

I still can't find the source to this. I don't remember when or why or who made me that ridiculously reliant, if it was even one person, but I hate them. I must have loved them, but now I hate them more than anything. As far as I'm concerned, they are the source of my problems. They ruined my life. I can't even function correctly anymore.

People always say you shouldn't blame others; "It's your own damn fault." Maybe I'm more selfish than I thought, because it makes me feel somewhat better to blame others. Funny how self-hatred turns into general misanthropy when I'm feeling this way.

I wonder how I can ever actually articulate this. Not on some journal--even if people read this [and not many fucking do, I know that much] it's extremely indirect, so I feel more comfortable writing it. Talking to a person face-to-face, or on the phone, or even over IM is so much harder. That therapy shit seems so scary now.

I get a lot of mixed messages about the pills, but fuck it. I'm ignoring it and taking them. I know they're not "magic"--I'm not stupid--but I want them to work. If they don't work the way I want, by making my life better, I'd really rather be a 'drone'. Not knowing happiness is better than having to feel sadness.

What I'm worried about is them making it worse. Wanting to die and wanting to die are two different things, perhaps that maybe people who want to die [not want to die] can understand.

Why couldn't I be 'normal' like everyone else? Ignorant, desensitized, self-centered, normal? If I had any control over the way I lived my life, who I was, I would probably be these things by now, so I can never understand how people claim they can change themselves... It doesn't seem possible to me.

This portion of my life is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and I'm shocked I'm still going. I don't know whether to be proud, or to be disgusted and call myself a coward. I do want it to end as soon as possible, if that's... well, possible. Before I do get more desperate, or actually give up on subtly searching for answers and attention. Not getting that kind of attention makes you do crazy things, I've learned. I'm not that far gone yet.

It's Saturday, finally. Although I don't really have anything planned to do today. Hm, go figure.

Well, yesterday Jackie invited me to hang out with her and Nate and George, which I thought was going to go pretty badly considering. But George and I definitely got along - according to Nate and Jackie - too well. We made fun of Nate the entire time. It was hilarious. We rock.

I also met Ethan, by chance, and I'm not so sure how we get along... We didn't talk that much, but when we were in the car he called me his new best friend and used me as a shield against Spaz >>; George's [GREEN] rabbit.

Although, I do keep wondering about something... If Jackie was /trying/ to set me up with George like she did the rest of her friends. Haha. She did tell me he was looking, and afterwards he asked me for my number. We've been texting, it's cool. He told me, "Wow, you turned out to be awesome! I'm so glad I got to meet you. It was great joking with you. I haven't gotten along that well with anyone before." One can understand the impression. Besides all the obvious hittings on.

He wants me to hang out with them more, so I probably will. As long as he's there, I'm pretty much fine with Nate, considering we torment him to death >3

Almost literally, since most of our jokes involve his death. <3

If Britt reads this, which I know she will, although I'm not sure if she will today, I think we should do something today. Because I'm bored as fuck, and you know ;D Yeah.

I don't know how to end it.

Ta?

Chain mail/chain letters. The kind that threatens me in my sleep, especially. And the kind that tries to guilt trip me into swaying a certain way, especially on a political view. I'm not that easy, dahlings ;D

Yeah, I think I might start answering some of these things to amuse myself from now on.

I hate my school.
And my homeroom teacher.
Got a letter saying I have 3 unexcused absences when I don't.
I had a note every time.
I don't want to lose credits if I'm absent anymore.
Which I predict I will be.

Guidance was closed today.
It sucked.

I want to drop A Days. I wonder if I can.

I wish it was the weekend.

I'm nervous for Monday.

I'm going to bed now.
I'm sick of feeling bad about everything.
And even, lately, stupid.
It's ridiculous.
I don't want to prove myself anymore.

Just get out of my life, if you're only going to make it worse.

I really wish I didn't love people.
Because I hate them.

So sick of this.

Rated R movies, here I come!
ALMOST LEGAL TOO >3

Anyway, yeah. Today's my birthday O: And we got off school. Mwuha. Course, that means I had to push my plans back to tomorrow - therefore I have to /hope/ they go right. But I'm not going to let that get to me [or any of the recent drama] right now!

Oh, haha. Look what Jessi made me:



Rape and nekkid Gackt. How typical xD;

Seriously... I'm having trouble remembering everything. Little things mostly, but sometimes I can't even remember what's important to me lately. I've always had such a good memory, so this feeling is really scary, and it's been setting in more than ever the past few weeks. I hope there's an explanation. I hope there's a way to fix it. Because I hate the idea of forgetting. No matter how insignificant it might seem to others. It's one of the scariest feelings in the world.