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"Colorblind"~ The Dresden Dolls |
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I hate the term "woke up on the wrong side of the bed", because my bed has always been against a wall, so maybe I've always woken up on the wrong side, and maybe today was the breaking point.
This was supposed to be a start over, a new year, but it's only a repetition, and I'm only angrier.
Do I actually think anyone is going to read this whole post and take in any of what it says? Well, maybe, but most likely not. Do I care? A bit, but mainly, this is for me.
I’m so sick of being everyone's "convenience". I’m only good for being there when I'm wanted, only when other people please, with no disregard for anything but themselves, totally oblivious to the fact that yes, I am a person, and hey, I have feelings just like you. I mean, seriously, two and half months ago the only person I had seen was Laurie, no one bothered to talk to me, to want to see me, nothing. Why? I have no idea, I’m the biggest doormat in the world so I find it hard to believe that I pissed any of you off that terribly, like I said, I am a convenience.
Do I want pity? Fuck no. I just wish people would take me into account once in a while.
Let's take my relationship for example. Currently, it's pretty damn crappy, honestly. Neither of us are happy, we fight almost constantly, it’s not so fun, but hey I try. I've been trying for a year now. What does it all go back to? Simple, Amanda, and me be being a doormat to Brian, thinking I would be the loving girlfriend and go through a unending dramatic vast sea of shit. Now typically you’d think that going through all this, well, bullshit, would see some sort of respect and wonderful treatment. However, things only got worse, I got sad and then angry, and now bitter. Am I uncaring? No, I do care about Brian, but that doesn't mean I'm happy, I'm far from happy.
So why not end it?
You try it and then we'll see how you feel about it.
If I did end it, what would that get me in return? I'd be single, yes, but is that such a grand thing? Maybe at first, I could do what I wanted, big deal. I could meet new people. What for? This is how I see it, every time I start a new relationship, it's more dramatic and something more annoying comes out of it then the one before it. Sometimes I take on these things, like the case with Brian and I, and other times I get out while I still can. So I ask you, seeing what this relationship entailed, what in the hell is the next one going to bring? I’m afraid to see. Of course way far back there was one relationship that wasn't so bad, but hey, that was a while ago and I can't go back in time, the end.
What would I see in attempting to find someone new anyways? Oh sure, probably some where out there, there maybe some one who wouldn't walk all over me and would treat me like the girlfriend I know I can be. I've heard that one before. "Not everyone out there wants to make you feel bad". Yeah, you should know. Boys love to tell you everything wonderful in the world when it’s good for them. A year, month, even a week later you could matter less. It’s not like they don't know you're listening. They know you are, and they know you're just a silly, stupid girl hanging on to every last word. I'm also sure they laugh about it later. Especially when they know they can get this sort of behavior out of you. It must be nice. Being able to predict that. I should be the one predicting the behaviors by now, I've seen it far too many times. But like I said... silly, stupid girl. Convenient, isn't it? Or should I say, aren't I?
I thought about it today, rather then just ending fashion design, why not transfer? Chicago and Dallas seemed appealing. Then I thought, "what for?” To do what I just did two years ago? Ha! A good thing that got me. I moved to a place where I knew no one. Well that's not entirely true, I knew Dale, but he doesn't live here. I met, a few people, and started a relationship, seems all dandy. It was in the beginning, honestly, it was wonderful. However, people turned bitchy, I became shyer, Amanda started her shit, and everything turned to crap. The worst of it is over it seems though. I have Rachelle, and I get along wonderfully with Meredith and Ashley now. Sure mine and Brian's relationship still isn't the greatest, it has its serious ups and downs. Maybe if I keep sticking to it, it could get better! I never want to be a step mother though, and I don't want to end up old in a loveless relationship. Two things I dread horribly, are seeming to become my reality. Not the way I ever wanted to picture my life. Besides, what is there for me in Chicago or Dallas, new people + a strange area + my shyness = a recipe for another disaster.
Rachelle told me to come to Philly. I thought about it long ago. I'd still be with half of my class, and Ian would be up there. However, I’m not so sure I want to do that, maybe.
I have no idea where I'm going with this anymore, it was all nice and planned out, but I lost track.
Maybe I shouldn't care so much about such things.
Maybe I am just over analytical and way too sensitive for my own good.
Maybe its just better that I continue to be the convenience, that way everyone else is happy, aren't they?
I'm here when they need me, and then disgaurded until they become bored again, like an old toy.
I'm begining to grow used to the role of doormat, but that doesn't mean I like it.
But if I try too hard I become an annoyance, and if I don't try at all Im a bitch, so I settle for the happy medium, and whenever you need me, I'll be sitting here.
I'm sure it'd be better that way for everyone, things would be less complicated, no?
After all, thats how I've always been, so why change it now?
Oh Jessica, what are you going on about, you lost track a paragraph ago.
You're just being silly now.
Hmm...I really do love The Dresden Dolls.
<3
.jess.
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