Helen

As of lately, I have been having been questioning myself: Why can't I just be practical?

Really though, why do I feel the need to try to be radical and be completely opposed to settling down in a small town? Having a simple job, instead of wanting a career in the unknown. Even just being a fucking pharmacist or something?
I have friends being nurses and dental hygienists. Why can't I just aspire to that?

No, I think it want to rebel. I want to be opposite of what I've been exposed to my whole life and have fun. But are my hopes of having a fun career more trouble than it may be worth? When I ask this question of why can't I just be practical to my friends, you all say the same thing. "Because it's boring." All my friends being from shows, we all have this same mentality of wanting more than what's just normal. I think it's part of the punk-rock roots from the very beginning of the scene. Normalcy is boring, and boring is no fun. Well, maybe the boring easy escape is what I should really head towards.

I'm so fucking thankful for my family and shows for showing me that there is so much more than what is normal, but I don't know that I can really add up to what I think I want. Or at least the general idea of what I think I want.
I don't have that confidence and I don't know where I'll find it. I don't actually see my life being what I think I want. I don't even know how to get there, and I don't think I have what it takes to get anywhere close.

If I had never started going to shows and fallen so passionately in love, where would I be? What would I want? Who would I know?

Practicality.
Transformation to practicality. It may just be my new way of thinking.

I really want to write in detail how the FOB show in Santa Monica was and how the following day was, but I'm far too lazy and there was far too much.

I didn't want to gnaw anything, but the show was unsatisfying. Honestly, pretty much what I expected. I'm glad it was free. Tyga + Elisa sidestage made me want to stab someone, but Ashlee Simpson-Wentz (yeah, I went(z?) there) looked adorable while she smiled the entire time.
Patrick was, um, a whole lotta sexy. Maybe the death of puppies and kittens has enabled me to look at him different and be ok with it...? I still hate his skank.

No F'N MTV because Sprinkles Cupcakes was a much greater priority than lining up in the Jonas Brothers madness, so we went to California Vegan. I'm never doing that again. 1) I wasn't pleased with any the the food I tried, and I tried everything available from my friends 2) 20mins after we walked in, Andy fucking Hurley came in with some blonde skank. I clearly have no luck because that walking STD Firecrotch seems to be the only FOB I ever get access too. We didn't acknowledge him and he didn't acknowledge any of the 3 of us whom I'm positive he knows.

Later that night, Ashley, Joseph, Kenda, and I squeezed into the backseat of Amanda's car with Frances in the passenger seat to go see Rooney. The Rooney show where all three Jonas Brothers came to rock the fuck out to their former tour mates. Hilarious.
I had a mission to get Nick to sign my pump, but failed. Still, it's counted as a win by anyone who saw Nick's face when I asked him, "Nick, will you sign my pump? I'm diabetic!" He was ready, he wanted to. Hand curled ready to grab the sharpie and eyes twinkling. Sadly, security (understandably) rushed him away.
Once we were in the car, we yelled goodbye to Phil Spector and sped away hoping he wouldn't kill us.

The night ended with me vomiting on Amanda's car as she sped to get off the freeway. Gross.

June 23, 2008:
I want a Fall Out Boy show so bad I could gnaw my left arm off.


I hope I don't leave the show wanting to gnaw my left arm off.

The turnaround Vegas trip for Idol was pretty damn good, in my book. There were certainly some bumps, but I totally enjoyed myself.
First, I was definitely sketchy on the thought of paying $80 to sit in probably lame seats (anything not a barricade is lame to me though) and watch people perform who I have all seen for free.
However, as soon as we got to our seats, I felt a billion times better. They were perfect. 1st row elevated off the floor, just to the left of the sound board and family seating. Family seating ruled because we could stare at Syeisha's fiancee, nicknamed Sexual Seduction.

The show itself was definitely good. Brooke, Jason, and Archie are the most precious things on the planet. Cook was sexy, but his pirate looking outfit was horrendous. Dragging "My Hero" out to 6 minutes was not necessary, but still good enough to forget Dave Grohl exists for two seconds.

We ditched out the final song, the only entire group number, to go get our spot by the buses for some lurking. I had my chance for a pic with all top 10 (minus Archie because they were rushing him) but only got the ones I truly wanted, minus just being a douche for Kristy Lee. Seriously, she's a really sweet girl. Too bad she's caught in that hell of country "music." Nice or not, she can still die for that.
I told Syeisha her fiancee was sexy, and she all got protective of him, which was weird. Clearly, he wants me now..? Tard.
I was really excited for Brooke. She is really talented, above just this Idol thing, she is a great songwriter. I was happy to finally get to tell her I thought her album was amazing, but she was being rushed so we didn't get to actually talk.

Cook came by once, saying he didn't have time to take pictures, and then some drama went off. Frances has this obnoxious, know-it-all, too confident, selfish bitch of an acquaintance. This chick has at least two or three pictures with Cook already, including one that day before the show! So, when he goes by, she manages to be the only one to get him to pose and snap a fucking pic, even though knowing he 1) doesn't have time, and 2) is next to Frances, a huge fan, who doesn't even have a single picture. At some point, she bitched about hoping he came back so she could get another, and I rudely responded that she didn't need another one. Mind you, Frances is between the two of us on the bar. We exchange some curses and name calling, in the end, of course solving nothing. But it's the fucking principal of how selfish this one bitch could be.

Not too long after this, the sun came out again when Jason appeared. OMG, that boy is made of precious.
To Kenda: "Hey, it's you again! This is like our 5th date."
Frances and I were covering our faces, totally dieing from, I guess, his pure cuteness. Thankfully, Kendra held it together and responded with a joke about going out to dinner or something, instead of what she wanted to say, involving it being time to have sex. Phew, thank God she kept it together, cuz Frances and I did not.

Finally, as everyone is getting ready to leave for the bus call, Cook starts making his way around taking pictures. This time, the selfish bitch is sure to help and push Frances over to get her pic. I'm sure she only did it inspite of me, not because she suddenly became a better friend, but at least it happened. Frances got hers, but sadly, this bitch still managed to slightly fuck it up, because Cook looked at her camera (who knows WHY she was taking a picture) instead of at me with Frances's camera. The pic is still super cute, but it just isn't perfect.
I wasn't going to get a pic with him, but I got the opportunity and took it. No big moment, but I do believe he is a gracious enough dude. Plus, it's not like any of these poor people have their own freedom, their handles decide what gets to happen. Shit was less intense than I thought though, and I'm glad about that.

My life is boring. We know, right? Ok, sorry. Well, nothing's changed. The thing is, there's a small part of me that likes it this way. The fewer the people involved, the less drama is possible. Instead of bitching about my emptiness, I'm trying to enjoy it. Hey, it's not everday you can lounge watching a That 70's Show marathon mixed in with a couple The O.C. episodes.
It's kinda nice to think my biggest annoyance right now is not being able to achieve 5 stars on Easy on the Slayer song on Guitar Hero. Next week, my Rock Band should be here, so yay! I hate the guitar, drums kick ass. Plus, I don't actually see myself getting too much better at my fake guitar, however I think I have hope for the drums.
Phew, anyways...

I was doing so damn good at not paying attention to the Wentz updates, but when he updates like 12times a day, I can't help but stop and look. Nothing has been to interesting lately, but I like it that way. Frances and I are making him a special shirt which we hope to give him in 2weeks. Ooooh yeah.
I just want those fuckers to have their new album already. Or play a damn show. Frances and I admitted we missed the FOBz when "Our Lawyers..." came on and we joked about seeing all their fucking moves in our heads. It's so sick, but so good at the same time.

Speaking of the douche, having a boy? Lame. I want him to have a girl. This kid's name better now be a IV (even though I love Pete's whole name way, way too much) or Jack. Name him Patrick Joseph and make the fangirls happy, would ya?

Um, going to Vegas for the 2nd weekend in a row. Tomorrow is for the Idol tour. I'm fucking terrified of the fandom I'm going to witness, but if I have to make a little girl or her cougar mom/grandma cry, I'm not above it.

Let's have a desert party.

As of lately, I kind of long for the days when my house was filled with my friends and so many hangs were had. I hate that I'm so far from everyone that it's really one big inconvenience to come here. I love my shows and I love going out, but having time home, and hanging with Tina, has definitely made me nostalgic for just sitting around in my kitchen/living room/garage and chilling.
I want people here for us all to be bored together and entertain each other.

Cindy and I need to get crackin' on our teleportion device.

edit: I want someone to watch stupid DVDs with me.
Release the Bats
Jackass
Haggard
Willy Wonka

Ya know, the dumb shit.

It's sad how one little thing can me off into a tangent of...let's go with, rage.

Apparently, I'm just not good enough. I don't make the best decisions. I'm a pussy. I'm not gifted. I'm not aggressive. The universe hates me. And, most importantly, I am completely undeserving.

Really, I can only blame myself for what I don't get. But I think my anger rises from the undeserving getting everything.

What a shitty fucking day.
I hate you.

Warped Tour day1 - Pomona was all around stupid. Ok, it wasn't miserable, but it was just one big fail. I stared at Steven a lot, but never actually got to him, and I didn't care about watching any of the bands since, well, I've seen them all 8,000 times and I know I will see them again and it just wasn't worth the fight. Frances and I stood in the backstage shade most of the time. The Color Fred was the one performance to really make me happy. Dad is precious.
It was nice, however, seeing people that I haven't seen since like the winter of '42, or something. Yay friends!

Highlights:
New The Higher song.
Racing heartbreak courtesy of Steven Smith.
Max Beamis looking very good.
Gabe riding his bike in short shorts and a tank top which we both horribly multi-colored, with his hair sticking up out of control.
William Beckett turning Frances down for a pic because he was going to eat. *Us yelling at him "Ok GO! You go eat! Get your food!"
Best = Spending $23 on an Adeline hat, skirt, and hoodie.

Yesterday was Mr. Christopher Gutierrez in Malibu. For the first time ever, I felt a little less intimidated. I'm pretty should I could never actually hang out with him, but damn if I don't love him. It's really amazing to see what his speakings have become a little over a year after they began. It's kind of cool to think I can actually bring my Mom along one day, ha.
Still, I kind of forget how ridiculously attractive Chris is in person, everytime. I think he may have actually gotten much better, too. Maybe it was just the nice pants...?
Chris's admittance for the love of the FOB song "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner" was totally a fail though. That song is right behind "16 Candles..." of FOB songs I never need to hear live again. Oh well.

Whoa busy as fuck.

Weds - June 11
~Denise and I had short hangs in Hollywood. Just Saddle Ranch and our own version of Homes of the Stars tour. A short venture down Robertson made me realize that Roberson make Sunset Blvd look like Hollywood Blvd. Yeah, it's gross I can even talk like that. While at ~Sprinkles, I saw Faith Evans (Mrs. Notorious BIG) name and number on a to go bag. So to say the least, I now have her number in my phone. When I tried to call, a black lady answered. Haha.
~F'N MTV...idk. Watching Wentz be so goddamn genuinely happy, as well as dance like a jackass, made me kinda happy. He may be the devil, but he seriously always owns a piece of my soul. Yes I hate it, but it is what it is.
Mini-Highlights: Realizing Travie has cankles. Snoop at the Disco = Jin & Juice. Brendon Urie knowing every word to it is basically priceless.

June 12
~Rad hangs with Frances and Amanda. I really cannot wait until she is permanently out of Kentucky and back in SoCal.
~David Cook on Leno. OMFG, he apparently heard me begging and played "My Hero" by Foo Fighters. Holy fucking shit, Frances and I clawed at each other in excited, and I definitely squealed.
~The Matches...not so good. Before they started, I caught the last quarter of the Laker vs. Celtics game, and painfully watched the Lakers throw it away. Then, The Matches decided to play damn near their whole new album. Fail. I will give them "Darkness" though, that shit was amazing. Go Steroids!
~Afterward, Kendra, Loretta, Jewlie, Cassie, Corrine and I went and hung at Mel's until like, 2:30am. I saw fucking ?uestlove from The Roots and flipped my shit. Sadly, he did not have Stumpy in tow. I tried to paparazzi him, but he stared Kendra and I down like he knew we knew.


June 13
~Frances, Amanda, Corrine, Vicky, and I leave for Las Vegas for the Honda Civic Tour. Mistake. Our trip was better than the show itself, because we have figured out that PW is controlling the world with heroin. ...yeah?
~ Corrine and I thankfully got on the barricade, because after going to three other of those damn shows, I was determined to have bar once. Shit. Sadly, I only got really into Motion City, because really, how can you not? I got really annoyed when it felt like about 12 people were actually into them. Being right in front of him and Josh, I think Jesse noticed and when he went to through the setlist, I called his name, we made eye contact, and it went in my direction. Security gave it to Corrine and she handed it to me. Thank you everyone in that group effort. Ha.
~I think I got over this Panic! performance in Kansas City, but I was absolutely dead during their lame ass set. I sang every song, but with zero enthusiasm. Having to stare at Ryan fucking Ross was not helping. I think Zack actually looked less bored than I did.

June14
~From Vegas back to Frances's, to Anaheim. I had no intentions on getting in line anytime early, and I didn't until doors opened. I enjoy shows where I'm not flipping my shit to be in front. Beforehand, Cassie and I went to talk to Macie and Mel in the early entry line, in which Zack yelled at us to "Get the fuck out of my line!" and proceeded to laugh after saying it. Him constantly being my highlight has really got to stop.
~Get in. Sneek Amanda down from her seat to the floor for her Phantom Planet boys. Watch the lame pranks done to and by the hushies and phantom planet. The best part was Alex's nakedness and molestation of Bob Hush. Seriously, Mumbles fills out his shorts nicely, just sayin'. I peaced out after a few P! songs to go hang outside. I'm bummed I never got to Chris or Greta, but I didn't want to bug them while they were by their bus. Kind of a heartbreaking moment happened when everyone went back into the venue to jump onstage for P!'s last song when we witnessed Greta and PP's Darren (a/k/a/ France's autistic boyfriend) holding hands as they walked by. Frances suspected them fucking the night before, but that pretty much confirmed it. All I'm saying is Greta can do better. 35yr old looking autistic men should be left to Frances only because she wants it so bad. (Not because she too can't also do better, she chooses not to)

Today, I had my first day of summer classes. Out of about 7-9 people in my speech class, three are former heroin or meth addicts. Thanks Morongo Basin community college. Oh well, at least Nicholson is definitely going to be pretty easy.
Algebra sucks mostly because of the time. It sucks secondly because in one 2 & 1/2 hour class today, we went through a month's worth of material in Ms. Siddall's class in high school. This makes me nervous. It's all stuff I have done before, but we already have a test thursday. Just, yeah, I'm nervous. I'm going to stick through though. I need to. Four weeks, man up bitch.

Last night was rad strictly because I got to leave my house. Tina, Keith, and I went to see The Strangers in Palm Desert Monday, but that hardly counts at all. Have I mentioned the many reasons I dislike being at home? Seriously, if I could uproot my physical house with all my luxuries to somewhere not so goddamn far from things to do and people to see, I would in a second. Is it bad that I have wiped my memory clean of 95% of the people Tina talks about from high school? Cuz, well, I have.

Anyways, International Superheroes of Hardcore (a/k/a New Found Glory in a mindset of pre-NFG) is the best horrifying joke ever. Being from my happy little pop-punk scene, those hxc kids just make you shake your head and walk out confused. It's cool if hardcore is your thing, but ISHC, really? You shouldn't know all the words and be so intense about it. It's a joke, but it's obviously the kids who are too passionate about it in a loving, or hating way, are all insane.
Jordan had this George Michael 5 o'clock shadow things going on. With his light, strawberry blondish hair, he looked like a David Cook wannabe. Pretty much hilarious. I wanted a picture with him so damn bad, but I failed. He, Cyrus, and Steve were at Denny's when we got there and Jordan stared at our table the entire time. It was fucking creepy.

The upcoming week is a busy one. I am glad, but then I think about money and gas and the fact that it's my last week of freedom before summer classes and I have a slight panic attack. Speaking of, I am seeing Panic! 3 times...I don't know why. I really don't like them *that* much. On top of that, the one time I see them, it's going to be for Wentz's new MTV show, "F'N MTV." Really, I am not looking foreward to having to stare at and listen to Mr. Ashlee Simpson. The worst part is knowing that Zack will be in the vicinity, but we probably won't see him. Denise and I are turning into a day of Sprinkles and our own version of Star Tours. Totally going to be better than the show...except Snoop Dogg is supposed to be there! Yeah, I don't know.
Even The Matches is kind of a win/lose because, I mean. duh The Matches are fab, but I guess they plan to maybe play the whole new album. Um, that album...not so rockin'.

Why can't I sleep past 11am? As far as I'm concerned, it isn't sleeping in unless it's at least 1pm.

p.s.
Whoa I hate myself for completing forgetting to mention this for the last week and a half: Jimmy Fallon drove by twice at the Foxboro Hot Tubs show! I didn't see him the first time, but the guy in front of me called it. When he came by the second time, in a beige Mini Cooper, I damn near flipped my shit! Denise and I have the weirdest common bond over out love for that dude. He's just so cute and mostly funny and aww. I've loved him since like, 6th grade. I will squeal when I meet him.

I told my mom we should be "punk rock" (haha) and not get a hotel room the night before we flew out to Kansas City, Missouri...so we left my house at 2am.
My morning started out weird when some random douche behind me at the security check-in really rudely asked if I could hurry up and get my stuff. It made me feisty until we actually got on the plane because, seriously, don't be an ass at 5am, dude. Calm down.

All is well until a little over an hour on the plane, the top right side of my mouth starts to hurt. It soon traveled into most of the right side of my face, and scared the shit out of me. It was basically like period cramps, in my head, if that makes any sense. I was freaked out because I also started to feel nauseous. As we finally started descending, I immediately started feeling better, but now I'm scared of plane rides any longer than one hour, because that seems to be my breaking point.

Our car rental guy was probably the best person we could've met in KC. He was probably in his mid-twenties, and was genuinely into the scene. When he said, "Oh I'd be at that show if I wasn't working tonight," I thought he was just bullshitting to make conversation, but he actually goes to shows and knows bands. To say the least, it gave me immediate hope for the Midwest.

We passed the venue on the way to our hotel, which was less than a mile away, and saw that at 1pm there was already a pretty decent amount of kids in line. Nothing like Soma was, but there was kids. Because we don't have early entry, and I planned to stay with my mom the whole time anyways, we check in the hotel and head to this burger place the car guy suggested to us. The place was really cute and the people were absolutely amazing. Sadly, they had this gross, spicy, honey mustard shit they put on the burgers without my mom and I realizing, but without that, it would've been delish. Either way, it was just so nice we counted it as a win.
During he time eating I saw Jesse from Motion City and Jeff from Phantom Planet walking around outside. (I had to text Frances to ask Phantom Planet dude's name cuz I only actually know Darren and Alex.)

Being in no rush, we walked and cruised the area a bit. I guess we were in the most happening part of KC. There were a million bars and restaurants up and down every street, but it was all still really cute and laid back feeling. It reminded me of where the Brewery is in San Luis Obispo.
Finally, around 3-3:30, we went and got in line.

Just like finding so many luxuries of not seeing Fall Out Boy in SoCal, I found one more great thing about seeing shows in random places...Zack time! If I got any hang time with just him, I was going to count the trip as a win, so show or not, I was fine without even walking in. It was nice to walk up to him and just have a conversation...and probably weird him out a little, but ya know, whatever.
We agreed that the Honda Civic design was gay, but the venue was very cute and fit it very well.
I bummed out a little to hear he's not exactly stoked on his job anymore, and basically, the Panic! boys are kind of douches. "You can't tell 21yr old millionaires what to do." I told him I love when he's with FOB, because, like Denise and I have discussed numerous times, he does not pay attention to those boys. "You just let them run free." Then he proceeded to tell me it's because they actually go to get him when they want to do something...the know how shit works to make it easier for everybody. Apparently, P! just runs around, forcing Zack to actually have to babysit them. That was my interpretation anyways, and that really pisses me off. Basically, anything making Zack stress or be annoyed bums me out a little, cuz he's such a good dude.
I told him if he got a chance, to come say hi to my mom in the back of the regular line. (He was handling EE/M&G) I knew he was letting the M&G line in around 5, so a little after 4:30 I told my mom to just go up there, and introduce herself as Mom. I really just wanted my mom to meet him and talk to him for a sec, so she could get a better understanding of why I've thought this bodyguard dude was like the best guy ever for the last year and a half.
As I'm on the phone with Frances, I see my mom come around the corner and start waving me over. Zack told my mom he'd give us M&G, so off we went to get in line. Not too long later, a mom, her 15yr old daughter, and the kid's friend on in line behind us. Mom didn't have a ticket, and after a second of explaining the situation, Zack just reached in his pocket and handed the mom a ticket. A $45 ticket, free, just because. He really has morals and a conscience, and he actually takes the power he has and put all of those things together to do shit like that. Seriously, he doesn't have to do these things. Totally not the proper word, but Precious is all I've got right now.

As we are in line for the signing part of the M&G, Greta is sitting playing a piano which is just kind of randomly in a corner of the room. This is amazing because really, that;s who my mom and I went for. Yes, I will sing-a-long to every single one of P!'s songs, and damn near all the MCS, (even some of PP's songs now) but we all know The Hush Sound is my prime reason for all this. When we get close enough, my mom calls Greta's name and tells her we really only came to see her (band). She smiles, says thank you, squirts her eyes, and says, "Heather, right?" I am immediately kind of touched, correct her, and tell her I appreciate her being that close at all. "I remember it had a 'huh' sound'."
I haven't spoken to her since April of last year, and she's only heard/used my name at the November 2006 headliner. I really truly appreciate at.
We finally make it through the signing and our picture, and my mom and I take seats at the back of the theatre. I didn't want to be on the floor, fighting for a spot. I had intended on making it to Phantom Planet's M&G to talk to Frances' "autistic boyfriend," Darren, and then The Hush Sound's so my mom could get a pic with Greta, but I failed on both accounts. Those fucking lines are out of control! I didn't have the patience.

After the show, we hung around for a while to see if PP would do an acoustic set, but to no avail, were not seen. My mom and I went to Sonic and went back to our hotel to find a orange bus, which we had seen at the show, was just pulling up. I tried to lurk, but I never found out who it was. Haha, oh well.
The weather was pretty shitty the next morning = lighting and rain storms, scaring the crap out of my mom. Thankfully, our flight was fine and everything was on time. I took Dramamine before the flight, and luckily there was only minimal pain in my face during the flight.

All in all, I had a really fucking fabulous time. My mom had a blast, and I'm glad we took the trip together. I really could not have asked for things to gone better, minus maybe the during show M&Gs. I can't thank Zack enough for doing what he does, and I really hope he finds a way to fall back in love with his job. If Ryro needs to be kidnapped in order to teach a lesson, we can make it happen...I'm just saying.
The Midwest, not so bad.

Seeing Pete Wentz on E! news being reported on about being a fucking father makes me nauseous. I just...I don't know. Kind of a whirlwind the last few months.
How I much I really care about him and want to know about his life if fading pretty quick. I wonder if I'll care at all when that baby is actually born.

I can't decide exactly how I regret the last three years, I know I don't regret them in their entirety, but I would take back every time I believed in that dude, for sure. Maybe that's why I feel nauseous.

As far as how he deals with people, does business, and the intentions he has, he has always been the same. This isn't the person he has changed into, so I can't say I miss who I thought he was, what I miss is my ignorance.

Now, for the less dramatic.
Fuck this baby! That thing is gonna slow down any chances at a new Fall Out Boy album, and my absolute final hope in Wentz remains in the music. I have faith the four of them can't fuck that up too bad, even I don't agree with them as people anymore. (Minus Troh, duh) Since this kid is going to be born towards the end of the year, I guess I'll just throw all my hopes away of getting a FOB tour this year. Who even knows if we'll get to see those dudes on stage at all. This, is seriously heartbreaking.
Um, I kinda would like to see Ashlee perform, too. Ballz.

The single Foxboro Hot Tubs show I got to go to was without a doubt the best chaos I have ever been apart of.

After picking up Alyssa, we got in line at The Roxy at 1:30am with the six other people already there. I could go on about the long ass day and dumb ass people, but they really mean nothing.

The opening bands were absolutely fucking horrendous, and hearing that Billie Joe is signing one of them makes me nausous. Girls with Guns was disgusting. A chubby drunk bitch was the lead "singer" and there was absolutely no positives to their "performance." They made me believe  my friends and I could definitely have a band, and maybe one day have that band could open for a band as huge and classic as Green Day. (or GD's side project, whatevs)
Next, is the band supposedly getting signed, Mystic Knights of the Cobra. OMFG, kill me. They had some gross catchy shit, (El camino el camino/the front is a car/the back is a truck/in the front we kiss/in the back we... el camino el camino) but still, disgusting.
Both these bands and 99% of the people into them are complete retards and just proved to me why I hate alcohol so much.

Until FHT came on, all I could think about was how the majority of people on the earth are already moronic assholes and the only thing alcohol does it make them worse. I have a very small tolerance for alcohol. If you know me, you can figure out where that little bit of tolerance comes in.

From the second the guys came on, I forgot all about how I wanted to take my own life for the last 3hours prior and was just stoked on life.
The first thing Billie Joe did when he went on stage was pour beer on part of the crowd and the front of the stage...the part I was on. I had to make my decision of tolerance real quick, but seriously, it was fucking Billie Joe Armstrong! I accepted my hands being sticky and cheered.
It took less than two songs before I realized how hard it was going to be to stay in the front since The Roxy's stage hits about three inches about my knees and with everyone pushing, it fucking hurt. I have some pretty rad bruises from the stage and my skin getting pinched against other people's. I don't even remember details of anything that happened, I just know it was amazing. The whole thing is kind of a blur of beer, dancing, pushing, stage diving, and sweat.
Other than having Billie Joe's sweaty ass on me, I guess there is one thing that stands out...

I was able to hold my spot in the front the whole time, even when my feet weren't even on the floor anymore and I thought my femurs were going to break. As BJ encouraged everyone to go dance on stage and helped pull plenty of them up there, I stayed because I just wanted to be where I was. At some point, I realized that if I was gonna get all wiL Francis status and molest BJ, this would probably be my only chance ever, so I fucking took it. The last song before the encore, I got up on stage, grabbed Billie Joe, and licked his sweaty cheek. I really don't know what my thing is with licking sweaty boys, but you could bet your left arm that if I ever thought I could get away with doing it to Patrick, I fucking would.
After I got off stage to chill in the back, I realized I had lost my phone. My new phone that is barely five days old! Oops. Luckily, after the show, with people clearing out, Alyssa found a nice security guard who found it for me. It managed to come out of my hoodie sometime on stage.

Walking out, I saw De'Mar and Tim from the Plain White T's. I'm just going to assume they're in LA recording or something. I really didn't give a shit enough to talk to them. I also saw Ron Jeremy and Dennis Huf (owner of the Bunny Ranch) inside. When Alyssa and I left, I saw them talking to each other between the Rainbow and Roxy so I had to get a picture. I'm sure I must have every STD ever just from standing between those two, but seriously, how could I resist? Fucking eww.

I still wish I could have gone to the other two shows, but with them being 21+ and my announce of drunks, it's probably for the best I didn't. I'll take this show and store it somewhere above amazing and holy fucking shit!

Sometimes, my life is boring as hell. Other times, I'm nonstop. The last three days have been the exciting latter.




Archuleta won my heart a little with his interview. I truly feel bad for that kid that he has to 1) Field questions about his Dad and 2) Deal with his Dad. He is a really sweet boy and he deserves  a lot of praise for his talent. I honestly don't know how far his career will go, because there is so much he needs to work on, but I really wish the best for him.
Cook is an outright artist. He is amazing and American Idol was just the boost he needed to have an actual career. I hope he becomes more Foo Fighters and less Daughtry/Nickleback. Good alternative, not shitty.
I have an way too much fun with all this Idol stuff and I'm glad it happened. I hope next season is lame though, i don't know that I want to be so into all this shit. Haha. I'm almost jealous I'm not going to the Idol tour...almost.

Thursday, May 15, ended my first year of college. Yay me! Really. For the most part, it was a really good *day.* My astronomy final was horrendous, but Kendra and I spent like, six hours at the mall and I was for once, pretty productive. We went in search for dressy stuff for the American Idol finale stuff next week.

My *night* however, not good. On my way home, I didn't try to text or call anyone, so it wasn't until 8:30 that night, when trying to call my mom that I found my phone had been shut off. Thanks Gary! I seriously fucking hate people. Everyone. Everyone is stupid. I ended up getting yelled at over the phone by his big, dumb ass (assumed) lesbian daughter and his former jail-time serving girlfriend. Yeah, so my night was hardly anything to celebrate about. I ended up being unusually emotional and got Tina to hang with me for a few hours. Yesterday my mom and I got our phones back on and are back on Verizon, thank fucking god. AT&T is lame. I currently have a temporary phone, but will have the enV2 on Tuesday.

I had planned on hanging with Cassie today and crashing at Ashley's in Santa Clarita tonight so Kendra and I could go to UC Santa Barbara to see HelloGoodbye and Nas for free, but I don't want to be gonegonegone from my mom if I don't absolutely have to be, even thought she is fucking driving me nuts. Monday is Idol Tonight (hopefully with Jason) and then New Found Glory.
Tuesday, my friends are going to the actually AI finale performance show...I may ask to be their extra ticket, if I can stabilize my mom. Wednesday is definitely AI red carpet and after the live show, our final Idol Extra. *sigh* Bill the warm-up guy is an awesome dude and said he'd try to get us close since, well, it's us. He's awesome in a Zack way. Speaking of Zack, I'm glad he has continued his amazingnens for Frances' birthday today in Ohio.

In other news, I saw The Higher last night. This was their first SoCal show without Tom. Well, it was weird.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect Merchboy Andrew to suddenly just become everything Tom was onstage, an as adorable as he is, he is kind of awkward. There is so much I missed from that dude's presence and guitar playing.
Overall, I still love seeing that band live and I will continue to see them and be a huge fan, but I won't forget that dude. Dammit. Merchboy's trying, though, and he's clearly really excited to be up. Even though I don't know him, I'm happy he's happy, just because it is so visible.
There were a few times when Tom would have a part and it either wasn't said, or Face did it. Bleh, he shouldn't be allowed to. It wasn't until driving home and "Our Movie Rules" came on random, and I definitely had a moment of absence and sadness. If they ever play that again, it really won't be the same.

Let's begin the post with positivity...kinda.



Now, the shitty part.

How can you support someone's art when you don't respect the artist?
All Time Low, Boys Like Girls, Metro Station, and most recently, The Audition. These are bands that I choose not to support, even if I think their music may actually be worth while. Why? Because I look at the guys, hear stories about them, see the image they project and I simply do not agree. I don't think they deserve what they are getting in this industry for one reason or another and therefore I will not buy a ticket, shirt, album, or even a song. No.

Yeah, I let personal lives affect how I feel towards people in their art...would you say you really don't? Everyone has done it, currently does it, and will continue to do it; You judge people by what you know about them, or think you know about them, and that filters into a great deal of what they do. Who they date, what they endorse, how they treat fans, it's all taken into perspective.
Granted I definitely think a lot of things should be toned down and a lot of things should be allowed to slide, but if you find you can't respect, oh say, the majority of the members in one band when you once thought the world of them, how can that not affect you. And really, respect is the second biggest factor behind the actual music.
I wish it could be always all about music, and an enormous part of it is. When I hear the songs, I still sing my heart out and they in no way have lost what they mean to me, but the people who have written them are the small part which I can't deal with anymore.

Yes I snoop, yes I am curious, yes it is my fault, but better sooner than later.
After having a realization about Fall Out Boy and speaking about it, am I annoyed and baffled at being lashed out against because of it. I have my opinion, I have my information, I don't appreciate anyone trying to act holier than thou and defending people whose images have done a complete 180. I don't think it is fair for someone to be criticized over something they themselves have certainly done before, especially without knowing the all the information.
If you can continue to be proud to be a fan of these dudes, please do, but don't fucking judge my friends or I for seeing things a different way.

I wouldn't take it back because I think I am better off knowing where my heart and money are going, and I would rather make a conscience choice for those paths.
If it is possible for you to not have an expectation, you may just find happiness.

In overall, I do not like the "Beat It" video. Shane Drake, I don't know what the hell happened, but please stick to Panic! at the Disco. Their weirdness works...Fall Out Boy? Not so much.

Pros:
Hal Sparks - 14yr old me met me of the last 3yrs.
Pete's Bass Lick - this is never bad or inappropriate.
Joe's tamed chest fro - cuz chest hair is gross.
Some of Patrick, Joe, and Pete's facial expressions in the parts they are not performing.
The boys coming out of trash bags.

Cons:
The entire performance shot
Everyone's clothes in the performance shot
Patrick in all white
Patrick dancing/impersonating Michael Jackson
Patrick ripping his shirt/hip thrusting/trying to be sexy
All the lame kung-fu/karate/fighting shit
No John Mayer
No Troh beard

This stupid fucking video is just one more thing for me to view Patrick and shake my head in disapproval. Now, I just think he's trying too hard. He's very clearly come out of his shell and abandoned that cute little guy that everyone wanted to encourage and watch grow. Well, now he's grown and I don't want him. I can't even look at this and giggle with the slight embarrassment that I still find him agonizingly adorable, because I don't. It's dead. I hate that I still really want to sad badly though.

I'm pretty sure Joe's the only one in the band who will never let anyone down. It's impossible, mostly because he just lays out exactly who he is, and you either laugh your ass off, or you think he's dumb. Joe's pretty damn easy to love though.

There is so much I want to say, but I am too tired. I had to leave my house in the desert at 5am to make it to class in Northridge by 8am. I was still 15mins late.

Updates tomorrow (later?)

I need a new love. I think the one I've had for the last three years is nearing the end of its course. The singer, the bassist, it doesn't matter, I feel about the same. The former is lost forever, but the latter always finds a new way to make it ok. Fuck.

I need a life of my own already, honestly.