Current mood:	thoughtful
Current music:	yeahyeahyeahs: maps
Entry tags:	reflections

on the real
i feel like i almost wish i coulda died instead of birj. like, "why birj?" only thing i can think to say about him is that he was sincere. genuine. and i feel so often caught up in petty shit. yah it's easy to simplify others' lives into something sublime, especially when they are no longer around to prove or talk you out of it in humility or truth or whatever. yah few of us in this country are without our "issues". but somehow he was so real with everyone. and original in each moment. i would like to think i am that way with those around me, but i also know i can hide out a lot. i hesitate. i break. i wait. i quiver and question myself and intentions and actions.



in the '06, what i "threw away", or want to throw behind me, is hesitation. what i want to cultivate in the new year (which ok, i give myself til the lunar new year to get up on), is generosity -- with myself, others, and situations i find myself in. put the cynic (which somehow crept up on me), back to sleep, and spill generously in that understanding that we are all in the constant process of growth and development. i don't want to be bitter. observant, yes -- bitter, no. and in the spirit of birj, to be as genuine as i can. keep it real to the end.




like i told some folks as we rang in the new year gently:

nothin but love -- there ain't no time for nothin but.