I have no delusions that the suffix -licious is a trademark Del thing, but it is something that I use often in conversation. (Like your mom!) Now that the most obnoxious, annoying, tandicted member of the new season of Project Runway, Blane, uses it all the time, I think I may retire it. Sad, because it actually harkens back to Paul Aguirre and the times we described everything as "Randomly..." whatever. Maybe I'll have to dust that off and bring it back.

In other, not quite so random news, today is one of those wonderful days where I need to pack the car on my own, and my body thinks that means it should hurt as much as it can without actually preventing me from doing the work. :sigh: But overall it's worth it, because I'm off to the wedding of my beautiful [and much deserving] sister (not Blue) and it should be a blast! Plus, Ninja and I have decided to make this the inaugural road trip of the Duck Bus, so there's double fun involved.

This also means that I'll be away from LJ and other internet things (but not email) starting tonight at 6ish. Be patient about phone stuff, too, because I don't have a handsfree for the Crackberry yet.

And thanks to those who sent emails yesterday. You rock.

This morning I retrieved the Duck Bus, after about $700 of work I didn't have to pay for had been performed on her. I remembered how much I love driving her as I cranked up the punk rock and whizzed through the back roads from Columbia to Germantown. My body ached, in that way older bodies do when you try to convince them they're still twenty three, and yet I smiled because I had my bus and I was aching because I was spending time with someone awesome very late last night. (Not our fault; we had turned invisible and the world refused to engage with us until it was time.)

I know I've got my stupid depression sunglasses on, because everything looks hazy and dim when in fact it's shiny. I feel like a jackass about it, so mostly I'm hiding it from everyone. But in those desperate moments when I'm home alone, I curl up in a ball and let it's weight settle on top of me. Faking it until you're making it can hurt. It sure wears me out. My back has been bothering me quite a bit and there's just about nothing I can do about it, since my only known remedies are chemical in nature and I'm required to be fully present at least four hours a day. In turn, my weight loss has slowed down tremendously because the pain keeps me from walking and I'm back to relying on my handicap parking tag (that's what it's FOR).

I'm facing some life altering decisions, both good and complicated. But really, when is there a time in life when someone isn't facing one kind of Big Life Change or another? In my case, I'm on the eve of deciding if I'm moving forward with Operation: Evolution or not. It's the first domino in a series of events that will be difficult at best until it resolves. Then it'll be this pretty mess on the floor that we can all gander at by pressing "back 10 entries" and be glad we're not watching it fall all over again. I have a major crush on someone, but seem incapable of making any sort of real "moves" on because I'm not entirely sure they won't push me to the pavement, pointing and laughing. (I'm fairly certain this isn't the case, but see above comment about hazy and dark vision.)

I've been involved in some Important Work, both on this plane and some Others. I won't say much about it, but it's worth mentioning.

It's this, though; this is what I hate about my mental illness. Even when the summer sun shines so brightly it burns my skin, all I can see or feel is that which is heavy. I am defeated and sad in the face of new relationship energy. I want so badly to engage with the Global Joy, but it feels foreign. I really feel like I got dumped by the World in a weird series of events, still wanting so badly to be in love with it but knowing on some unconcious level that They've moved on without me. Even hanging around our mutual friends is awkward. I think about the good times and they make me cry.

It's not me, it's the sickness. My coping mechanisms have been out of whack since Dad died. I am also not entirely convinced that my health isn't wonky and I lack enough specific descriptors where a trip to the doctor would be useful. I fantasize about sex without entanglements, love without complication, driving ridiculously interesting road trips without paying for the gas, and living life without commitment. I just want to float, not sink. Is that really so much to ask for?

I find myself thinking a lot about my breakup with Angsty. It sounds recockulous, but there's actually some foundation for it. First of all, I'm about to celebrate being with Ninja for longer than I was with Angsty, and it's dredging up some fear about my relationship history - usually at this point in the game, somebody calls it quits. I can practically set my watch by it. I know logically that Ninja and I are doing fabulously and things are well, but the alarm keeps going off in my head anyway. Secondarily, I'm facing this crushy thing and wanting both so much to dive in and let it all happen, and to hide hide hide so I can't be hurt. Love like you've never been hurt, the Universe reminds me. I want to, want to with every fiber of my being, but these damn glasses get in my fucking way.

I'm not going to lock this entry to any particular group. Yes, I know that means all sorts of people implicated or affected by what I'm talking about can read it. I'm open to talking about any of this - but only over email or the phone. I've turned comments off because I hate virtual hugs, because my problems are infetessimal compared to some of my friends and I don't need that reminder, and because really, this struggle is completely internal and I know that's where the resolution lies.

If I have nothing, I have patience. Patience in myself, in the World, and Faith. Faith that Love will overcome this again, like it has in the past.

Dear Diary:

Someone needs to remind me that when I sneak out for late night IHOP, I need to drink decaf. Otherwise, It's 3:21am and I can't sleep.

~Del

The short version: The Duck Bus (as she's come to be called) is already in the shop. We're talking to the dealership about compensation above and beyond the horribly brown Honda CRV they've given me as a loaner (which is NOT the same thing) and I'm a little heartbroken. What I thought was a minor issue isn't; I guess their Six Billion Point Inspection didn't pick up 2 things that made her undrivable (an unsealed gas cap that has to be replaced and something wrong with her control box that requires a trip to a Saturn dealer) and now she's back in their hands.

I'm feeling a little ripped off. I'll tell you that the company's name is Carma, plus an x. Hopefully, the story will end well, but right now I'm sad and frustrated.

..And we also bought a car! Well, we bought an SUV. Yes, I have now solidified my place in the Evil League of Evil for driving such a horrible, horrible, fun to drive, room for Del and her stuff, horrible SUV. You may all berate me in your own heads for as long as you need to.

Does it make a difference that it's bright yellow; therefore, it's been decided that I now drive the Short Bus all year round?

I fell in love with her and now I want to drive her everywhere. Well, except we found out as we started her up on Saturday night/Sunday am that the backlight on the dash is out, so I couldn't see the spedometer on the way home. Like I look at it anyway! That'll get adjusted tomorrow.

We got a 2003 Saturn VUE, which historically gets about 24 MPG. For a non-hybrid SUV, that's not bad at all. I can't paint her or sticker her up, though, because she's official a "for now" car, until we find a lithium battery hybrid we'd like to buy.

Yay Short Bus!
( Pics behind cut. )

Still not a Wheadon fan. All I kept thinking was "Look, it's the raincoat outfit from this week's Project Runway."

The last song was kinda cute-ish, but the rest made me want to gag.

PS. I refuse to defend my dislike of your God. Most people don't like my God. I deal with it - you can too.

This is where I had my bachelorette party at.

So you might know that Ninja and I are actively shopping around for a larger-capacity car to replace my Honda Civic, which we sold to a friend. Our long term plan is to buy something "for now", that will have a good trade in value, that meets some or most of our expectations; then when the lithium hybrids come out we will trade it in for one of those.

Edited to add: I bold the above statement because people are suggesting the Ford Escape and Toyota Highlander hybrids, which are just about impossible to get used. These are definitely what we will buy once they switch to lithium ion batteries, which we think will be the Pentium of the hybrid market, in 09/10. Until then, we're looking at used car alternatives.

The hard part for us is that we're two spoiled eco drivers. Having the Prius as our main transportation makes looking at SUVs and the like with their 15/20 MPG hurt a lot. However, two things we need in a secondary vehicle is more storage space and a higher clearance. You can't really drive a Prius on rough dirt roads and over fields - it has about two inches of clearance on the bottom and it invariably injures the undercarriage. Since I am finding myself at more and more camp-out events, I need both the pack space and the ability to drive over fields. Some other things we'd like:

• Easy to fold backseats. I need to be able to do this on my own, so it can't be a big production
  
• Automatic transmission (neither of us drive stick)
  
• Mileage that we can live with. Preferably something better than 20 MPG, but we're also realistic
  
• Not terribly difficult to get into. I was seriously considering a Jeep Wrangler (Rubicon), but I'm having a hard time justifying a car that you have to hoist yourself into. On a bad body day, that would suck royally. It also makes it mom-unfriendly.
  
• More storage space than the Prius. The Suburu Outback failed this test, believe it or not. I described our need to Ninja as "the massage table, two to three blue tupperware bins, two drums, and sleeping gear."
  
• Has minor off-road abilities - I'm not planning on rock crawling, but I would like to be able to drive over rough roads without having to worry
  
• Something that's quirky, fun, different in some way. I don't know if I can stomach driving a Honda CRV because it looks like every other SUV on the road. This is obviously the least important.
  

Now, any one of these (except maybe automatic) can be negotiated for the right car. We're looking to get something used, for under 30k - preferably in the 20K range.

Any suggestions? Do you have a car/truck/SUV that you really like? Do you know some secret about getting used hybrid SUVs? Do you think I should just fuck it all and get a Volkswagen Beetle instead?

AFK starting in about twenty minutes, lasting until Sunday night-ish. Will have Crackberry, so email, text, and cell are all viable points of contact. However, I will be LARPing, so I won't be diligent about checking every seven seconds.

If you're really good, I'll post pictures when I get back. My character is a girly girl, so it will be Del in a wig and makeup and a dress time.

The good thing about my phone dying is that Ninja and I were already in discussion about replacing my phone with a Blackberry once the renewal/upgrade period came about...in about a month. Verizon moved the upgrade date up so I could go and get one today instead!

I am in nerdvana.

(Also, my phone is operational again.)

reposted from velvet_c



Hi everyone,

prehensile_wit is in labor (which may not be stoppable at this point). Balth is at the hospital with her. I'm going out soon to check on them and pick up the Boo when he gets home from school. I don't know enough yet to tell you whether or not you can call/visit at the hospital (probably not the latter), but certainly your thoughts, prayers, and positive energy for L, the twins, and D are welcome, needed, and will be most appreciated.

Also, assistance with the Boo for the rest of the week would be helpful as well. Please let Balth or me know if/when you're available.

Wood! (WOOD!)
And Del is feeling sad
cuz she treated it sorta bad
and now she knows her cell is gone for good. (GOOD!)

(3 point reference).

My cell is dead, insofar as the speaker has stopped working. This means not only can I not hear what you say, but I can't hear it ring either. I can use it when I'm in the Prius via the Bluetooth, but it sounds crappy and usually means I'm driving and don't want to be on the phone.

We're working diligently to replace her, but since we're due an upgrade in a matter of weeks, we're hoping to kill a flock of birds with one swoop by seeing if we can move the trade-in date up and get me the Crackberry I've been lusting after.

In the meantime, I'll try to be more diligent about email and being logged onto yahoo messenger. Don't abuse this, though, or I'll stop.

There is only one of me.

This is good to know.

asa101 made me the best present - a photo-sensitive theramin!

Yay!

I have left the Fire Circle event due to rain. My tent did valiantly until yesterday afternoon, where it just became saturated with water and started leaking heavily onto my bedding and (more importantly) my cpap and the portable outlet. After about two hours, I decided that packing out was my best option. The tent is still there - I'll probably head up some time tomorrow to take it down.

To be honest, the rain/tent was about 75% of the reason why I left. More later.

Before I leave, a few one shots:

Non-Scale Victories
1. The steering wheel not touching my belly when I drive. At the worst(about a year ago), this prevented me from driving the Prius for lack of clearance. Now I can actually fit my hand between me and the wheel.
2. Being able to both pack and load myself out to an event. The car is packed with everything from drums to cooler, and I did it all myself.
3. Even contemplating doing 3 nights at a fire circle, sleeping in a tent, and generally taking care of myself without a handler.
4. Deciding that I'm out of induction for the weekend, so I bought a bunch of berries to take with me.
5. Being pretty sure that I've lost yet another pants size since FSG. For a while I was worried I was stalled, but all the clothes I bought before going to FSG are starting to slip off of my hip - including today, a full pants-down experience while trying to pack the car. (Luckily, I was inside at the time.)


In other news, I found a portable outlet. I'm going to try it out this weekend with my CPAP. I may need to charge it during the day (see if I can't find an outlet somewhere), but it's worth a try. I'm betting it won't last all night, but I'm open to being wrong. asa101, Ninja and I have declared that this is a hack you need to make happen - something that can run your or my CPAP all night while camping.

Just a quick reminder that I will be away starting this afternoon until Sunday night. Really, if you need to reach me, your best bet is to call Ninja. I will have my cellphone, until it dies, unless I can find somewhere to plug it in. And I will be completely unreachable at night.

I'm about to embark to a four day fire circle event. The underlying technology of alchemical fire circle work is that you show up with lead, that is, what you wish to feed to the fire and have it be consumed; you go home with gold, a combination of lessons learned from your focus during the event, and whatever the Universe has to contribute during your journey. The means of this transformation is ordeal - staying up all night, dancing and drumming and using other physical exertion while you awake your inner and outer Guides (your Gods, Guides, Spirits, Higher Self, Astral Companion, and other Imaginary Friends) to assist.

At first, I wasn't entirely sure why I was going. I was supposed to be a presenter but communication lines got crossed and that didn't manifest. I'm not really excited by the other programming, but Imani's fire circles are always pretty awesome, so I decided to go as an attendee. Part of it was fed by the fact that although I really wanted to pull an all-nighter at Magnus' circle at FSG, it just wasn't in the cards for me this year. Since I registered, though, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to spend four days churning and changing about my spiritual self.

( Here's what I came up with. )For some reason, I was drawn to posting this publicly, rather than in my paganesque or spooky foo filters, so here it is.

Does someone have a working flute I could borrow ASAP, for about two weeks, for nefarious LARP purposes? I'd much prefer one in playable shape, but might be willing to replace a few pads or do some minor tweaking to bring an old one up to snuff.

(The real question is, can I play a flute with a labret piercing? I honestly don't know.)