Written In Ashes

happiness and joy surround us on a daily basis...

sometimes its hard to see, and even harder to understand...

but it is there none the less...

...it always has been

regardless if you believe that things happen for a reason,

or if you believe they happen for no reason at all...

you are the master/mistress of your own destiny,

its your outlook, attitude, perception that guides you...

you can see the cup half full, half empty,

or you could be the one who peed in the cup...

it happens sometimes that we become ensnared in our own 'negative feedback loop'

when we become overwhelmed with what needs to be done,

what we would like to do, what we havent done yet, what we should be doing,

the stress and anxiety build and build until we can no longer function,

and despite the best intentions of friends, family, loved ones, and partners,

we may lash out at them with the angered stress weve created for ourselves...

...making them the enemy instead of ourselves

depression quickly settles in and completely dehabiltates us...

to the point that we can no longer function, with the possible exception of work

something to distract us and focus our atention away from us,

and what we are not doing...

furthermore; we begin to hold in contempt those who are happy,

or we seek to tear them down to our level (whether intentionally or not)

how dare anyone be happy when i am miserable with myself!

at this point our inner anger and frustration become focused outward,

outward on those around us, inparticularly those who love us most...

...because, if they do love us, they will love us no matter what

...no matter how badly a treat them

...no matter how many times we focus the anger at ourselves onto them

...they will always love us, and be there for us

the unfortunate circumstance is, that we end up driving everyone away,

becoming alienated, isolated, and bitter...

how do we change this? who can save us?

how much longer or further can we run from ourselves,

until we catch-up with ourselves again?

how many times do we have to start new relationships because we've left the others in ashes?

how many times do we have to swear to ourselves that this time will be the last time?

the answers, and the ability to change are within you...

make a positive change to one small habit...

for example, open the blinds or the curtains every morning when you wake up,

and close them again before you go to bed...

this is not only a metaphor, but also a physical manifestation of greeting a new day,

...and letting in the light *

take a moment when youre out and about to notice nature,

look at the flora around you as you pass thru your day,

listen to the birds, hear their individual songs, and why they sing...

there is a war to be fought when we want or need to change our paradigm,

but we must win the battles first...

call or email and old friend and apologize for being out of touch,

clean your room or your kitchen, do some gardening,

go for a hike, turn the tv off, do a crossword...

... but these things should be done in small amounts at first,

just enough to make a difference for now...

what you will find is that now there is one less thing that needs to be done,

and as these smalls accomplishments are made,

and as you slowly begin to 'clean your house',

there will more time to accomplish other things, bigger things...

and along the way you my notice the moments of self-reflection increase,

and answers to questions begin to make themselves apparent...

as the weeks and months pass (this is a long term project mind you)

the battles you fight for and with yourself grow, as you grow in strength...

and soon you will sitting down to write that book, or go back to school,

or find yourself with the renewed ability to have those things that youve always wanted...

your relationships with friend, family and loved ones will strength,

and the people you have always held dearest and nearest to you will be there for you...

change is difficult, and the universe has a sick sense of humor when it comes to testing us...

the path has always been there,

whether or not we choose to see it or follow it,

is up to us...

...but you have to want to change

we are all strong enough to take the first step,

and we grow stronger with every step we take



*the light - as relates to the spirit / awakening / or sunshine

So, with real estate being a wee bit slow

I thought I'd offer out my green thumb services

Landscape design, plant selection, yard work, or gardening advice

My fees would depend on the nature of the job (pun intended)

I have all the right tools (pun intended) and transportation

If you're interested, or need help, please feel free to contact me

Either personally via email/phone or thru the myspace or the lj

For references, stop my house to see my yard/garden

Or pop by Ms Mindys to see my work in progress

Kevyn-

13 pages from approximately a year or so ago...
...posted on that other space page
K-

Take heart dear readers, please do not assume that these words pertain to myself, or to you.
Perhaps they do, and perhaps they do not. In the awkwardness of dealing with our own
perceptions of self, these words may stir something deep within you. If so, then dear readers,
these words were meant for you.

Respect is earned, is it not?
Trust is gained, correct?
What then of (self) esteem?
Is it something that can be learned or taught?
Having confidence in ones self may attribute to esteem,
However; that confidence can be a forgery.
A facade built up to hold back the spirits that dwell in the attic of our consciousness.
The difference being, with complete self confidence and self esteem,
There is no guilt or regret for our actions,
Or the actions that others take upon ourselves.
The difference being,
The depression and self loathing which is continually stacked up in boxes
Behind the door of the room where nobody lives.
Lessons are taught and learned,
Some reveal their presence immediately, and others linger...
Waiting for the appropriate moment of epiphany.
So then,
What of (self) esteem?
Could it be willingness or willpower?
And to what extent to you allow yourself to use and to be used?
Furthermore, when does the hurting end and the healing begin?
In the blackest black and the deepest darkness,
There is hope...
Keeping in mind that hope does not abandon you, you abandon hope.
If there is one candle left burning,
If there is one star left in the sky,
If there is one breath left in your body,
There is hope...
There will come a time when we stop watching the pretty red flags blowing in the breeze...
...And we start flying kites

I cannot post the hand written images to LJ...
But if you're interested goto the other space page and read them there...
I will however; continue to post my thoughts and lessons here electronically...
...Unfortunately, I do not have the time, nor do I have the effort, to transcribe
from pen and paper to the interweb...
K-

where to begin?

i know the end point,

however; the journey then becomes irrelevant...

why? because there has always been a beginning and an ending...

...and there always will be

its the emotional attachments that separate the two,

makes them appear different,

when in truth they are the same...

consider:

if the end is a new beginning,

then to begin or begin again, is a result of ending...

simply put: (you reap what you sow)

if you sow wheat, you will harvest wheat

however; where we struggle as emotional beings,

(which at this stage in our evolution we are)

is the time and events between sowing & harvesting.

and the distraction caused by the separation of conscious and unconscious,

and the conflicted created by the anxiety of returning the halves to a whole.

this is best exemplified by the analogies of male/female & sun/moon.

neither can exist without the other, nor can they exist together,

however; they need each other to exist...

...that statement deepens the mystery, and adds the layer of the (holy) trinity

father/son/holy spirit or mother/child/spirit

the latter example in the context of the virgin or nothingness,

does signify that the three aspects can be one,

(the mother as an individual being, child developing in the womb,

and the two having the same spirit)

in the first example, depending on the applied context, could be thus...

(simply put via christianity the way to the father is through the son,

though they are separate, they are the same spirit)

retaining the spiritual aspect, but removing religious aspect read thusly;

the pilgrim, and the path, are enlightenment.

...the journey is our consciousness attempting to intellectualize the soul of the pilgrim/ourselves

does any of this make sense?

its okay if it does not,

however; if it does, is that not okay?

the hammer knows not where it falls,

nor does it experience the velocity or ferocity of its blow...

without warning, without malice, the mallet strikes the strings,

at this most violent and eruptive moment, music is made...

the mallet remains fixed, hinged and poised,

ready to be called upon at the will of the fingers of the player...

the hammer hovers, lying in wait,

not knowing when it will strike, or who will be struck...

fair warning is now given to you, dear reader...

on the brightest of days, when all seems clear and right,

youd best move quickly when that small round shadow turns to blackness...

...and dont be fooled, nor linger to long, watching the pretty red flags waving in the breeze

let me clarify first:
blackberries being the tart berry baring thorny brambles,
not the portable electronic device...
...though, there may be a parallel

(edited to cut to the chase, but apparently not edited enough)

i have a very old lilac bush just outside of my property line.
which, is technically property belonging to the city of portland.
however; the citys policy on unimproved roadways is hands-off,
to say the least...

a few short feet to the south of this fragrant geriatric fauna,
exists a small patch of blackberries. blackberries as you may or may not know
are highly invasive, prickly, and utterly amazing.
each spring i embrace the somewhat unpleasant task of saving the lilac
from the ever encroaching blackberry hordes. if left unattended, the spiny
fruit baring tendrils will completely engulf the afore mentioned defenseless
grand lady. so i take it upon myself, risking life and limb, to protect the her.

im sure, to no uncertain degree, that others in my neighborhood appreciate the old
lilac. (many an early spring have i seen her boughs harvested for cuttings. and those doing
the harvesting have been respectful of myself and the bush) but, as with many passengers of
this big blue marble, appreciation for the necessary work needed to maintain her goes
unheeded. (my satisfaction is derived from passers-by stopping to smell the lilac scented air)

and, in defense of the blackberries, and the bees(which you know, or you now know, are
suffering massive hive die-offs) [without bees there is no pollenization of vegetable and
fruit baring plants and trees] i do not cut down the entire patch of blackberries.
the blackberries are an integral part in the web of life here in the flats, as elsewhere.
some would say, "just wack them all down" and to that i say "go water your lawn".
(you must be a true oregonian to find the humor here)

so, after an evening of homemade burritos, 2001 tempier bandol, and the welcoming into
the extended family of equal (and the ensuing shenanigans) i found myself this past sunday
afternoon, quite literally, over my head in blackberry brambles.
it is important to know your foe. and i know now, after many years of hacking relentlessly
at this terrestrially rooted spiked cephalopod, that best way to tame the barbed beast is to sever the canes close to the ground.

herein lies the lesson: (finally)

sometimes; the best way to get to the root of a problem,
is to first cut away the branches overhead

I now understand what I have always known...

And the more I know, the less I understand...

Mine is to lead and to guide...

To a certain degree the meaning is literal and physical...

More importantly it is emotional and spiritual...

The journey is perilous, and the path is shrouded in darkness...

With each step the way becomes clearer,

However; the meaning remains obscured...

The landmarks are familiar, and I know in which direction we are headed,

I've been here many times before, but I don't know where we are...

To some my methods may be overwhelming and too intense,

To others, callous and unemotional...

When we reach your destination, it is just that, yours...

And when you look back, and see me walking away,

I am not leaving you, for I will always be with you...

...Your destination is your own, not mine

For me there is nothing, what I have done, I've done for you and with you...

...It is yours

Mine is not to want or to need...

Though impoverished and lovelorn,

I am enriched by the gift I have given unto you,

And in the knowledge that the choices you make are your own...

You and I may not know or understand what exists in the present,

It's future when and where the lessons become learned...

I give of myself freely, and willingly...

...And I expect nothing in return

The sacrifice of myself is my own...

And yours to take with you and to influence the lives you touch...

Do not cry for me out of sorrow, nor pity me in loneliness...

Shed your tears of joy and rejoice in what you have learned about yourself,

And know that I will always be with you...

When I have past, build not shrines nor monuments,

But look forward to when we meet once more,

And our journey together begins again...

I love you, and you have always known this,

And you will always know this...

We've got new video's from Voodoo Kiss 2007 up on YouTube:

http://youtube.com/writteninashes

Enjoy!

T.J.

i wonder sometimes if i am crazy...
...but doesnt that mean im not?

its been almost 2 years since i shouldve seen ainslee...
...i planted a tree for her, and i use to talk to it every day
i would tell her how much she was wanted and ask her to watch over her mother
i thought everything was going to be okay...
i thought it couldnt or wouldnt hurt anymore...
...but its been almost 2 years

i think its the intensity of the circumstances that have scarred me
like a sheet of white paper held too close to the fire...
...it doesnt burn, but it chars from the heat
you can still write on it, but the words are harder to read...
...and more difficult to erase

in the homeland of my dreams,
my family sits beside me in the long hall and i am surrounded by my friends...
...we tell stories of our ancestors by the hearth, while the dogs lay at our feet

i feel her near me sometimes...
months ago, i awoke to see the shadow of child on the stairs...
at first i thought it was my son, and i lay in bed waiting for him...
...laughing to myself as i thought he would not expect me to awake yet
when he didnt arrive at my bed side, i grew concerned...
(once, when he was about 3 or 4, he had climbed up to the landing and fallen back to sleep)
i got out of bed and started toward the stairs, but he wasnt there...
...i called his name, he did not respond
i went down stairs to his room and found him fast asleep in his bed, undisturbed

..."somewhere in a parallel universe we are diliriously happy"...

...she sets a place for me in the long hall, waiting for me join her

over the course of the past year ive learned that being honest comes with price.
maybe there are things that people dont need to know. but at this point in my life,
i have nothing to hide. up until last week, i had told everyone & anyone that was interested in hanging out w/ me what was what. i mean the whole stupid messed up thing. i can understand the view point of not wanting to be apart of a rebound or whatever, but i rebounded along time ago. furthermore, i can understand someone not wanting to deal w/ damaged goods, but arent we all damaged in one way or another? ive learned my lesson, thats why ive been so honest and open. i guess now it doesnt matter now, cause i cleaned up my mess... personally, i dont really give a flying duck nut what anyone thinks about me, i never really have... at least im an honest douche bag...
xoxo
K-

Hey all yall...
Pick up a copy of this weeks Portland Tribune,
pull out section 2 of the Sustainable Living Section,
and turn to the back page...
Pic props to circle23.
K-

Hey all yall...
Pick up a copy of this weeks Portland Tribune,
pull out section 2 of the Sustainable Living Section,
and turn to the back page...
Pic props to circle23.
K-

You know you want to.

http://www.stickam.com/profile/writteninashes

http://www.stickam.com/profile/damonlaww

follow the link to live broadcast of tonight rehearsal...
K-

hey!
so, WIA will have an interview posted in the july sustainable living section
of the portland tribune. the interview is about the bands involvement w/ the
blueworks project. not sure when in july it comes out (first or second week?)
but it just might give you a reason to read the trib!
(also look for the snappy roots realty advert)
K-

hey,
so here are links to two of my current active listings.
one of which some of you may recognize...


5307 N Minnesota Ave
http://rootsrealty.com/properties/5307_n_minnesota/5307_n_minnesota_stats.html

6209 SW 33rd Pl
http://rootsrealty.com/properties/6209_sw_33/6209_sw_33_stats.html

if you know anyone looking to buy or sell a home,
please make sure and refer them to your rock'n'roll realtor...
K-