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Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
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3:37 pm - death to wookiepocket
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you will notice that i have deleted all of the entries in this journal, essentially making it an empty shell. not to worry, i have saved these writings in another location, some of which will be used for other projects. i have decided not to delete the journal because i can't stand the thought of there ever being a ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) wookiepocket who isn't me. ah, vanity.
some of you have expressed interest in my reasons for no longer using livejournal. the reasons are many and convoluted. as a parting gift, i will outline it for you in numbered format.
1. i am not a strong person. for every minute i use livejournal as a writing tool, there are an additional 10-20 minutes i'm using it for fucking around. i use it as a distraction, often to the detriment of the other things i'm working on. i've definitely been guilty of hitting 'reload' on my friends page for four-hour stretches, sometimes several times a week. as a result, i'm allowing myself to let the world slide past me. it effects my work, my writing, and the time i could be spending doing other things.
2. it has changed my writing. writing for an audience is both a blessing and a curse. on one hand, i get instant gratification when i post something important to me. many of you seem to like my writing, which is nice. however, i've noticed lately that i've begun to write for the audience, which disturbs me. there are things i'm not saying, and i'm probably saying things i shouldn't. also, there are a lot of things i'm not writing because it doesn't fit easily into the journaling format. hmm, that makes less sense than i had hoped. you get the picture.
3. it has changed the way i interact with people in person. my conversations revolve around what was posted in live journal that day. also, i tend not to have much to talk to people about in person, as i dislike repeating myself, and talking about things i've already written about in my journal seems redundant.
4. i am not special. i am uncomfortable with the weird live journal celebrity status. and, secretly, i'm uncomfortable with the fact that i like it so much. while it has been interesting to carve out and present a persona that seems to be pretty liked, it's kind of off-putting to me when this is mentioned to me in person. or in email. or at all. journaling used to be my dirty little secret. now it's something that everyone knows about. even weirder, i often receive emails and comments from people who have seen me in public and are intimidated by me because of my journal, and so they end up not interacting with me in person. i swear, if you're doing this, you're really missing the best part of me. also, i'm really not so fantastic that i need to be sitting on a pedestal, you know.
5. along those lines, the way i've been using my journal has made me feel distant. i would much rather have nice personal interactions where we get to learn about each other first-hand. unfortunately, i know, not many of you are actually in my area and able to hang out in person. i thought a lot about you guys before i decided to close this down. i'm sorry. we're just going to have to find other ways to be friendly. you can still find my contact information on my user page. come to san francisco. i will make you a sandwich.
6. but, the other end of that sword is that i don't know a lot of you. in fact, there are more than a few people who read this journal who aren't on my friends list. granted, i could cure this by making all of my posts friends-only, but i get lazy about clicking that button. it's all so much work. the amount of things you non-friends know about me makes me a little uncomfortable. not that you know the things, but that you came about them in such a synthetic way, without actual participation. since some of the information i post here is quite personal or, at least, sensitive, it's a hard thing for me to think about. for those of you who put your balls on the block with me, i thank you. it was fun.
7. i am doing this because i am afraid of this. i am afraid of living a life un-noticed. i'm afraid that suddenly no one will remember to invite me to their parties, that i won't get those calls for submissions, that i won't find out about the birth of your new kittens or the new cut of your hair. seriously. deleting my journal, i could barely breathe because it scared the crap out of me. that's how i knew that deleting was a good thing.
there is nothing that you can expect from wookiepocket in the future. i will not be posting here. i will not be checking my friends list. i'm going to try to re-focus my efforts elsewhere, especially in the writing department. it could be that i'm not as fancy as i think i am and i just continue to piss the months away while i sit on my ass and produce nothing of note. it's a serious possibility. at least i will have learned that. when i fail, will i be back to post about my belly button lint? probably not.
will this be the end of me and livejournal? well, maybe. i've registered another journal name which i might use once i've proven to myself to my own satisfaction that i'm capable of using it as a tool for good, and not as a tool for slack-jawed drooling at my computer. if and when i am back and using that journal, i will probably only use it for keeping up with friends, occasional posts, and responding to a few journals. you know, all intimate-like. it will be great, if it happens.
in closing, thank you for participating. thanks, especially, to those of you who transitioned from internet-friend to fleshy-friend. you've really done a lot to amuse me, make me happy, make me think, and make me write but, you know, the time has come to kill the wookie.
i wish you luck. you should wish me luck, too.
your friend in ass fisting,
mr. heathen
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