| WGW |
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| 03:16am 12/10/2008 |
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mood:  contemplative
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Looked at just the initials by themselves it gives off something of an amusing appearance of being some kind of bizarre wrestling tournament. Yet Whitby Goth Weekend is gradually approaching, at the very, very end of this month and start of the next. Of course it should be a most fun time for me, being all sorts of things that I like, but much like Christmas it comes with its fair weight of social pressures and even at the best of times I can always contrive to make anything I should enjoy into a most tiresome trial. Hopefully some day I may be able to look forward to events such as this without the unwelcome colouring of my anticipation with dread.
There are of course various reasons for all of this but largely I think it is a question of expectation. The expectations that I imagine everyone else will have of me on this weekend when I ought to be having the most fun and rational thought would assume that I would be the most comfortable and at ease. Some of my imaginings are perhaps fair enough to assume but many aren’t, and even though I may be aware of this, those feelings will still invade my nervous system. People, I assume, are going to expect something special from me and imagined or not, the weight of that social pressure is not a comfortable thing to carry.
It is all accentuated further by my own self-doubt and lack of esteem. I rarely imagine myself being able to live up to the most general of expectations most of the time so increase those expectations and I’ve even less chance of being worthy. Moreover though is that desperate desire to be liked and approved of which often translates as being a terrible fear of doing the wrong thing. Naturally I’m more worried of doing the wrong thing around those people whose opinions I care more about. That I think is often the issue with close friends, people I love. Being so afraid of doing the wrong thing I end up doing nothing, paralysed by own timidity and ironically in such cases the stronger my affections can actually strengthen the anxiety. So meeting people I like and care about scares me, and being amongst the world of goth does too. Of course I’m well aware goths be not judgemental people, well, they are understanding people anyways, and even more so those nice people who know me and like and care about me. They may be the least likely to be unkind to my mistakes but as my fear of causing offence be that much greater so my imagination may run to an excessive riot. On top of that then is my own greater wish to be good and companionable to these people who I like more, only natural of course to want to be good to your friends, but it’s still an additional pressure I put upon myself.
All this of course comes in me as a tangled web and wave of feeling but hopefully by unweaving the knots by these defined words will help to give my mind a better handle on it all and aid in my efforts to reduce my reactions. In terms of Goth Weekend it would be nice to be able to make friends and do stuff but mostly I just wish I could just simply enjoy those things that I like and go out and do them. When fun things are made less fun then one avoids doing them and that of course leads to a bleakness and depression. More importantly perhaps with the people I really care about, to be able to be me and express what I really feel and what I really want to honestly and openly. I often find it harder, or at least feel it more keenly, to be with people I know and who I care about than relative strangers who I don’t. Yet strangers can have a somewhat greater threat of the unknown to them. Goth Weekend though manages to combine both aspects.
So expectations on my performance are increased and as much as I want to be liked and loved, as anyone does, I don’t imagine that I can meet those expectations and because of the paralysing affects of my timidity I end up not doing. This in turn of course makes me dislike myself even more, feel myself even less able to meet expectations and less worthy of being liked and loved and make me imagine myself to be judged ever more harshly. So it is all a self-fulfilling prophecy feeding back into and strengthening itself. What I am doesn’t change. I remain a romantic, dreaming, creative, loving, caring, imaginative, gothic, longing, wishful and all sorts of other things kind of creature. All these things though are subsumed by that depressive, timid and anxious operating system at work within the deeper parts of my brain. I don’t know how much these words might express of what it actually feels like to exist as me to anyone else who might be reading this, but hopefully it may help open things out to my own mind, that it may more clearly see the foolishness of its ways, and so be more open to my own conscious efforts at altering the way I tend to think.
I still feel inside myself the urge just to hide myself away in my little room all through Goth Weekend. I always feel that urge to some extent though at such times it becomes more apparent. I don’t want those eyes upon me, I feel oppressed by the swirl of noise and activity which at the moment exists but in my imagination, though which does exist in Goth Weekend with the crowds and sounds and enclosed spaces, such visceral things which my nerves may react to far faster than my more conscious and rational self may engage with. At the same time though I want to be part of it, feel I ought to be part of it and wish that I could be. I feel fearful of it (and other social things more generally), know the pointless foolishness of feeling fearful of it but just feel worse for that. Still, I continue with my efforts to rewrite that bit of script. Like anyone (though in truth I have no real idea just how much or little I might be like anyone) I have my good days and bad, good moments and bad. As I’ve made a certain amount of progress my reactions to situations have started to become a little less predictable. Sometimes I can convince my nerves to be good, other times such control is less easy to find. Of course I shall always have some anxiety; it’s only natural and in some cases may be well founded. I never imagine myself being perfect of life being wonderfully easy. Still though I wish and will continue my efforts to try and become truly and openly, idiosyncratically me. I would make mistakes but I should wish them to be honest ones.
I’ve no idea how this Goth Weekend is going to go. My brother is coming up, hopefully it will be fun. My fear over the prospect waxes and wanes. Whatever happens though it will be over almost as soon as it has begun. What then happens with the rest of my life, how I can be with the people I care about and what I may create and achieve, these things matter more. I can but keep trying, hopefully with some supports and maybe someone to hold my paw a bit along the way. To whatever degree I may become someone else in company, I do most appreciate all the friendship and support though I may not so well express it face to face. I shall keep trying to craft some sort of nobility into my characterisation in the narrative of the novel of my life. Wish me luck! |
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2 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| Flumpiness |
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| 01:53am 11/10/2008 |
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mood:  flumpy
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Oh, but I had plans! I was going to write something intelligent, insightful and witty on the subject of my internal struggles. As it is the past couple of nights my brain seems to have preferred the concept of being mildly migrainous and wearied and has been entirely uncooperative at the construction of the thoughts necessary for such writings. Blah. Oh well, instead I shall fill you in with a few bits of other random news that has ocurred over these past couple of days.
Well, yesterday I went off to visit my kitty, but kitty was out. He'll have come back at some point though to find that his food bowls had been magically replenished with kibble and been amazed at this sorcery! That it seem will be the only cat tending visit I shall be making as it seems the humans have decided to return from their brief outing today. Smrrs, I had had fun things planned for Ozymandias and myself to do over the weekend but now I guess I shall have to think of some other entertainments. Hopefully my somewhat squishy brain may actually get around to cooperating at least a little bit in those.
It does seem though at least that my efforts to untangled the administrative web of the OU has now just about drawn to a conclusion. Not exactly the most satisfactory nor what I had been wanting at the beginning but things are at least just about sorted now, or will be tomorrow once I has put my form in the post. So I shall be now starting my next course in February but hopefully I shall be able to catch up on some of the months lost at the start of the next academic year.
Otherwise, stuff goes on. Our assistant manager at the shop had her last day today before she goes on maternity leave. Her replacement seems nice enough. I have a newish friend to work with too who I ought to mention though may not be seeing quite so much of since she wont be doing the same days as me. However she is the first of my fellow volunteers I've divscovered to use Facebook so, umm, *waves*. Indeed, just as it never rains but pours, after meeting one friend from the Interweb in the flesh and having one friend in the flesh on the Interweb, so the possible prospect arises of meeting two more friends from the Interweb in the flesh! Still, I thinks all that is to be detailed later and incorporated into my exceptionally intelligent, insightful and witty analysis of Goth Weekend and related emotional issues. Hopefully my brain will see its way to cooperating on that score soon. Blah. |
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2 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| Between Me and Myself |
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| 02:56am 08/10/2008 |
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mood:  thoughtful
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It's a curious business being me, but then I suppose it be a curious business being anybody really and I've no real way of knowing if being me would be anymore curious than being anybody else. Perhaps though I may put a little more pointlessly obsessive thought into it than others what with me being rather at the far end of the scale on the introvert/extrovert continuum. Still, I do find myself being particularly aware of the degree to which I seem to be a whole different creature in company than when I am on my own, and the difference in my expression in speech and in writing. Though of course we are all like that to some degree (all wearing a multitude of a masques!) but I would still dearly wish to be, what feels like, the more natural me that I am alone, with other people. Of course it's all technically the natural me but I can't help but prefer the one to the other so that's the one I'm aiming for, and hopefully someday I shall find myself with a relatively happy medium.
Anyways, the reason I mention this is that the disparity between these different flavours of me has been somewhat highlighted of late. Partly through my medical assessment but also as today at the shop I had the pleasure of meeting in the flesh for the first time an online friend, ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) the_waves, who I have known for almost a year now and actually lives in a village only just outside Whitby. Heh, yes, it did take us both a little while to get round to the meeting! Still, it was most lovely indeed to see her, and she even brought me a little card and birthday present which was really quite sweet and touching. So, anyways, yays, that all be good.
Without though wishing to detail any of my friend's personal situation at the moment though it does rather highlight something of the, really fairly significant, difference with the kind of creature I can be online and what I'm able to manage in the real world. As I sit on my own my thoughts, whilst they may not always be the most sensible or proper (being perfectly right all the time is not what I'm aiming for), they are my own, relatively fluid and more or less of my own controlling. Yet so much of this just disappears when I'm with other people, those thoughts just seem to vanish beyond my grasp. It's a frustrating game. However much I may think of friendly or compassionate or meaningful things to say beforehand such things flee when I get there. I more or less know the reasons, and I know how silly they largely are and yet still it often happens. No doubt by my obsessing I also paint myself as more useless than I am, though that in turn feeds back into the loop.
So what is the point of my writing of this? The point is, evidently, I still have some way to go yet, but that which I wish for is not entirely beyond my reach. If I keep going then I can yet reach that suitable point that lies somewhere between me and myself for which I strive. Not infallibility in either myself nor the world, but where I can think my own thoughts and make my own responses without it having to be quite so much effort. True it is quite often that which I most desire of which I find myself to be the most afraid. Still, now I start to grow drowsy and my writing becomes less easy, but for suitably natural reasons. I have thoughts though to yet develop this subject further at some later point with some other things that I have in the offing. For now though, the other point of me writing me this is to record the simple fact that I really do have some really quite lovely and thoroughly nice friends about the place, and that be a positive thought and feeling to take to bed with me besides everything else.
Night, night! |
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Pet Me |
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| Another Year Older and Much as Before |
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| 03:44pm 06/10/2008 |
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mood:  Who Knows?
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Well it has been quite a week all told and in many ways I am quite relieved now to have got it over with. I was though somewhat pleasantly surprised by the number of friendly birthday messages I received, so much thanks to everyone for that. My Facebook account does have a purpose after all! Heh, still this weekend I've been generally feeling rather out of sync with myself which I suppose is unsurprising after all the pointless anxieties and unnecessary stresses I've been indulging myself in over the past few days. Such things still remain however but hopefully I can now get back to getting on with things with some more reasonable sense of rythym and direction. At least until the tiny little thing for me to get foolishly worked up about comes along anyway!
So yes, it's back on with what passes for my life and efforts towards making it better. I still have pesky OU annoyances to work out. So now I'm reserved on the course that starts in February. Hm, yes well, I hope they'll be getting the forms out in reasonable time for this one! Grrs. I'm still a little confused though over what they said about forms in my last letter. I did the financial support forms thanks, I just want to sign up to the stupid course now please! Hopefully that's what they meant and I wont have to go through the whole tiresome process again. We'll see. It shouldn't be too much of a trauma in the end I hope, I can gain the months back at the start of the next year but it will mean my courses overlap a bit.
So besides that, and waiting on the results last week's assessment it's back on with doing stuff at the shop and the practicing of life skills. It's also back on with looking after kitty too though as parents have decided they are going to take their trip up to Lindisfarne (which they had earlier put off on account of the weather) today. Despite the forecast for large quantities of wet tomorrow they thought the rest of the week looked reasonable enough to risk it. So I shall be having a little trip to pet and feed the animal on Thursday. Meanwhile, what with all the expected rains, I'm not imagining being particularly busy in the shop tomorrow. Sometimes it chases more customers in but since this has been so well forecast I imagine people will have had time to alter their arrangements. Still I think a relatively quiet day will be a good thing methinks, getting slowly back into the flow of things, but either way it will just be good to get back to something a bit more settled and sensible.
So it's back on with furthering the story of my life though, whoever it is might be actually writing it really needs to work on the craft of narrative and plot! I mean, after all these various story threads, my medical assessment, Open University stuff, a birthday and so on, they really ought to bring all these together into a satisfying and enlightening conclusion else the reader will get disgruntled and may not bother themselves so much with following the next the chapter. Oh and cut out those bits where parents have to phone up only at those rare times when there actually is something worth watching on TV! It's what I'd do if I were writing it anyways and hopefully, one day, I may yet be. (or at least have a bit more say when it comes to the editing). |
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2 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| The Day is Done |
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| 02:22am 03/10/2008 |
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mood:  drained music: Rose Of Avalanche - Who Cares
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And most relieved I am to have got it over with too! As for how it went exactly though, well that's somewhat hard to really say, partly because it all rather went by in a bit of a nervous and nauseous blur but also because it wont be for a while yet, when I gets my little letter, that I'll really have any idea. At the moment I've no real idea at all as to how I might have come across, but still, it is at least pleasing to have it done and be able to put it behind me, heh though I do now have another thing to wait anxiously on, the really uncomfortable part is done.
Anyways the day began rather unpleasantly, having not being able to find anything much in the way of sleeps and my insides jumping around like a sack of fighting cats. It was further complicated by a phonecall I got from the people wanting to change my appointment time to an hour earlier for no good reason other than that they didn't have much else on that day and wanted to get things over with. Oh, the professionalism! Still, I started to feel a bit better once I had stepped out the door. Such is often the case that when I am just around people my focus becomes less intensely on my own physical symptoms, not that they go away but my attention is drawn to the people around me in case anything scary occurs so I sometimes feel them less intensely. Pushing it down also makes things a bit more bearable if somewhat less predictable.
So anyways, the journey there wasn't the easiest of trips ever but not so bad. The assessment itself though, I have to say, was a mightily peculiar process. I have been through it once before but I don't remember it being quite such a regimented process as it seemed today. The doctor who assessed me, exceptionally softly spoken and generally friendly as he was, could only ask the questions that the computer presented him with, the great majority of which seemed to virtually lack any great significance to my own personal case. What does it matter if I watch the news on TV or not?! It really seems a quite dramatically flawed process now I'm back in the cold light of my energy saving bulbs. Of course it is an assessment of capability and not a diagnosis or counselling session, and it has to be balanced for a broad spectrum of people, but what does my description of an average day and what I do on my own at home add to a picture of how capable or not of work I may be out in the world? I was hardly asked at all on anything I actually felt, of course it's not about what you feel so much as what you can do, but surely the feeling is an intergral aspect of that. So many of the things I had been endlessly rehearsing to say and talk about I didn't get the opportunity to, though of course some of that may be that I'm not so very good at communicating such things of course and I did get to write about that in the forms I filled in ages ago. Still I've no real idea at all of what sort of picture of me that assessment will produce, I find it hard to imagine it being particularly accurate. Still the result can only go one of two ways and how long it will be til I get that is anyone's guess, heh, but my anxieties over that may at least be held at the back of my mind and mayhap I start to get back on with more things of my own.
Needless to say now though I do be a particularly drained and weary creature even despite having had a bit of a nap after getting back from Scarborough. I rather feel like sleeping and hiding away from the world for a good few days, but I've heard there might be some kind of event or other on tomorrow so I guess I'll have to be up that. Heh. Still, time for bed in a moment or so, hopefully sleeps will be restful. There seems to be an impressive draft blowing through the building at the moment and it's even managing to push upon my, really quite substantial hardwood, door. This is having the affect of me jumping out my skin at random intervals and the odd lingering hallucination of there being someone at the door. Not that I got to tell the man about such symptoms though, still I did write it down on the forms. What picture it may all paint of me and my ways is really impossible for me to say but I guess I'll find out in due course.
Anyways it's done and that be good. So, umm, it can be hugs tiem now plees?! *reaches with paws* |
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4 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| Not a Happy Wolfy |
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| 02:10pm 28/09/2008 |
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mood:  infuriated
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So, I got a letter from the Open University saying that my assessment has been completed and I have been awarded financial support but, according to the letter, "as the final enrolment date has now passed for your chosen course it is now too late to register." What?! That's not what they said in the email they sent me. They said my reservation would be held open for me until my assessment had been completed! Grargh! I be not best pleased. Particularly since I first made my request for the assessment forms ages and ages ago and the only reason they were so delayed is they took ages and ages to get sent out to me. I be a really very annoyed little wolf. If all else fails I shall now have to enrol in the course that starts in February and I really hate having my progress put back. I can gain it back I suppose if I take an earlier course next year, but there will be a little overlap and it's all just stupidly unnecessary in any case. *growls*
This is not the best time either what with my medical assessment coming up. Heh, my brain can only really cope with irrationally obsessing over one thing at a time so I've not been feeling very good with nerves jumping and down all over the place. Heh, I can always manage to make my life so very pointlessly complicated and difficult. It's a skill of mine. The universe though doesn't seem to be liking me very much at the moment either. Oh I really just want this coming week over with now. Over and done so I can then go hide and spend a couple of days not having to think about anything at all. I hope all this undue stressiness wont be putting back my progress towards becoming a more steadfast kind of creature.
There seems though to be something of a curse on these few days as I have a few friends too that also seem to be having traumas of their own right now, and these be nice people far less deserving of such stupidity than I. Sadly too there isn't a great deal I can do for those that I care about, besides make supportive noises and such. More reasons to be generally infuriated and disliking of the universe and despising of myself. Grr. Well, I just hope there can be some ray of light to shine for my friends and I can get my pointless little challenges over and done with. Playing Diablo II has actually proved to be something of a helpful catharsis, bashing demons with a giant hammer be something of a release. Methinks I may now scamper off and take on a vast herd of demonic cows armed with pikes and halberds. Later I might do a crossword.
Grr, these aren't good days, I'd like to have them over with now please. |
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1 Petting - Pet Me |
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| Well, In The Long Term, We're All Dead |
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| 03:00am 26/09/2008 |
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mood:  blah
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So here I stand at the gates of the Pandemonium Fortress readied and prepared for my assault upon the Burning Hells themselves. That's in Diablo II of course, but it's funny how art mirrors life sometimes isn't it? Anyways, today I woke up with a rather unpleasantly nauseous migraine thing though fortunately when my mother came she was equipped with quantities of paracetamol that seems to have done have the job in chasing it off for now. Still, the earliest balloon flight that we could find that wasn't fully booked was not until March 31st in 2009, so it's certainly going to be a fair while before she gets airborne yet! All the remaining flights taking off from York for this year were all fully booked. It seems quite a popular service, I can only assume that some of them do actually manage to take off!
Anyways, once my mother had departed I phoned and made my appointment for my medical assessment which will be in a week's time, October 2nd. Heh, well at least I was able to avoid making it for the day after, that might have been a bit much! Still, if the phonecall itself was anything to go by then I do still have some bit of work to do on my nervous system if the way my hands took to shaking whilst I was holding the phone were anything to go by. It's a very strange thing though when all your thoughts are basically asking, 'why the hell are you doing this?' and yet the physical affects continue. I wasn't feeling nervous as such, yet my hands still shook. Just as I know I have more or less nothing to be anxious about most things and yet subconscious mind still sends the overwhelming signals at times. It is indeed a strange and intricate dance that is performed between my conscious and subconscious mind and the question of who leads has still to be resolved.
It is a most tiresome thing really and I'd just like it to be over with so I can get on with things one way or another. Onwards with my slow and uncertain steps to regaining more control over myself and my life. I'm trying not to think too much about it, but not having complete success at that. Still, in the words of John Maynard Keyens, 'in the long term, we're all dead'. So whatever happens will happen and I can but do my best to be me as much as I may. Yeah, something like that anyways. |
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Pet Me |
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| Wake Up Little Wolfy! |
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| 01:48am 25/09/2008 |
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mood:  fatalistic
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It generally takes my brain a fair while to get up to speed after I've woken up. So I was quite alarmed today on waking and looking at my watch and seeing it was already five past one! Eeps! Late for everything! So in a fearful daze I hurried to get dressed and throw some water over myself, make myself look vaguely humanoid before scampering to the shop. It was however on putting on my watch, and looking at it the right way round, that I came to the slow realisation that it was in fact only twenty-five to eight! Heh, silly wolfy. All that rush and nervousness for no good reason. Maybe I ought to get myself a proper clock for my bedside, or at least a watch with numbers so you can tell which way up it's supposed to be?!
Ah well, after that somewhat flustered start, my day at the shop went reasonably ok. My parents stopped by for a short visit, mother is coming to the flat tomorrow to have another go at booking their balloon flight for ten millionth time. Though if they couldn't get a flight that actually went up through the past two Summer's it seems hardly likely they're going to get one now. Still, they have to keep booking so it doesn't expire. Heh, my brother and sister and I got mother those vouchers for her 60th birthday and in about a month's time she'll be 62! I have seen these strange objects in the sky before though so there must be something in the legends! Heh, well hopefully someday they'll manage to get a booking on a flight that actually takes off.
In the meantime, since my discovery that Blizzard were putting things together for Diablo III I've been wasting some of my time reacquainting myself with Diablo II: Lord of Destruction. It's actually still quite enjoyable, even with knowing the whole storyline backwards having been through the game with all the various character classes several times before. Still in the past couple of day my druid and his band of barky wolves have driven the demoness Andariel back to hell and defeated Duriel the giant bug demon thing and are at this moment preparing to venture forth into the jungles of Kurast to try and prevent Diablo and Baal from uniting with their brother Mephisto. They'll fail in that of course, but will at least manage to destroy Mephisto before tracking Diablo through the burning hells themselves before finally confronting and destroying him. From their though they shall have to face Baal's mighty army though I foresee a confrontation atop of lofty Mount Arreat where Baal will finally be destroyed, though not before corrupting the sacred worldstone. Maybe. Heh. Ah fantasy action roleplay stuff is quite fun really. I do hope my little machine may just be able to run Diablo III whenever it gets released.
In the meantime though I have somewhat more immediate and pressing concerns as today I got letter from the DWP (or at least the medical group in their employ) informing me that I needed to arrange an appointment for a medical assessment of my condition. Smrrs. Really not something I'm looking forward to but it has to be done. Truth be told I'm not entirely sure of what my condition is right now. I do still have my depressive periods and irrational degrees of anxiety with accompanying unpleasant physical symptoms, though not as much as I did. Of course I'm now living on my own so my nerves are less constantly tested and methinks I'm growing slowly. Still there have been those times before where I have tried to jump back to early into the heady whirl of life and been knocked back again and I certainly don't want to have to go through any of that again! On the other hand perhaps a certain little push to get me to take more steps forward would be good for me? With my reactions as they are now I remain unsure though, I'm not yet fully confident in my own confidence to be sure I could do it and would I think rather keep making these small steps as I have been in my own way and at my own pace. Though perhaps I am not really the best placed to properly evaluate my own self. Of course we all have our worries and our doubts, but does everyone else feel it this much? I've no idea what it really is that passes for normal, to a degree I've always been this way and mayhap to a degree always will be, but I should hate to have to go through life with quite so washed in unpleasant feelings as these. Yet maybe a bit of a push would do me some good?
I would really despair if it were to come to the point of destroying all the progress I had made so far. Then me being happy isn't really what they are particuarly interested in. I would appreciate some kind of push, a helpfully supportive mentor type who can hold my paw and guide me a bit along the way. I've never really had such a figure in my life before and I doubt I'm really going to get one any time soon. The Professionals don't have the time it takes for that kind of a service and my family aren't really that kind either (as I suppose nor am I). Heh, if I were ever to find someone so nice as that as the trouble is I would loath to be such a burden on them and wouldn't think myself worthy or deserving to ask for such aid. *sighs* It would be nice to have someone to help me reduce my fears yet I would need to reduce my fears in order to ask them! Oh well, I can but make my appointment and see what happens. Whilst I would like a little more time to work on myself perhaps it would not be such an egregiously terrible thing to be thrust out into life once more as I am now. Still, the world will doubtless do with me as it will, much as it has always done since I have not had the strength of will to alter it, and I will do as best I can to try and keep my head above the water.
Not Waving But Drowning
- Stevie Smith
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning. |
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4 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| Now You See Them and, err, You Still Do! |
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| 04:00pm 22/09/2008 |
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mood:  off-colour
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Well I had a relatively pleasant visit to my parents yesterday. Some of that may perhaps have been due to Robert being out for the great portion of it and when he did return he wasn't sober enough to stay awake for more than about half an hour so my nerves did not have a long time of unnecessary tension to contend with. Generally though the day was quite nice with much petting and playing with cat, and a visit from a friendly local nuthatch, a most delightful little bird. Parents though had made plans, after recently returning from voyages in the south to be going up to Lindisfarne, and then onto Scotland, today which would have put me back on kitty tending duties. It seems however that the weather has put paid to such plans and so they are staying put for the time being. They do it seems still plan to make a trip at some point so I remain on alert, in readiness to leap into feline feeding frenzy at a moment's notice!
I'm not entirely sure I'm very capable of doing much at all today though. I seem to have unfortunately been possessed with a bit of a squishy head today and a somewhat disgruntled digestive system. So, not really in the friskiest of states for the start of the week. Hopefully I shall manage to perk up though. As it is my mood tends toward the downcast and melancholic today. My default settings of angst, anxiety and negativity being more difficult to shrug off when energies are having to spent on the immune system or the fending off of whatever bug may have got in and such. Ah well, I shall now slither off once more and try and summon the energies to engage my brain in some vaguely productive activity or other. For some reason my interwebs has been particularly disobedient over the last few days. Smrrs. Ah well, in the meantime hopes everyone be a little more on the perky side than myself and hopefully too the week should brighten up a little once it has properly got going. And stuff. |
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6 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| Novelty Postal Fraud |
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| 02:12am 21/09/2008 |
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mood:  amused
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Now like countless other mammals ranged across the globe I regularly receive a myriad of spam helpfully dealt with by my email filters but today was the first time I have had such a letter by post! The fun of being on the electoral register I suppose. Still, what seems most impressive as this letter had managed to reach from a senior investment consultant in Singapore with nothing more than a second class stamp, and an English one at that! Most ingenious. Sadly however I doubt I will able to help this individual in taking a share of my deceased namesake's thirty million dollars as in time of overwhelming financial chaos I feel I must forgo any speculative activity for the present. So then it will have to be as he fears and the Singaporean authorities will seize this non-existent money. Such a tragedy. Ah well, life goes on, except for imaginary dead people anyways.
Still, tomorrow I shall hopefully be scampering off for a little visit to the caravan. The humans may have returned to their abode but I can still go visit my kitty for petting and gifts of mouse. Another interesting thing tomorrow perhaps will be that apparently, as part of a series of guides on writing, The Observer is going to contain one on writing poetry. I shall be intrigued to see as to whether or not it will have anything within that I might find useful. Today's little booklet in The Guardian on writing fiction was nice if it did little more to back up and confirm my own sentiments on the matter. Tomorrow's poetry guide will have an introduction by Wendy Cope which sounds interesting. We shall see anyways, it be a little thing to look forward to.
The one part of writing, be it poetic or prose, that I have trouble with I suppose is doing it. That is to say, the actually sitting down and typing bit rather than just thinking about it. The thinking is important of course but it wont get you much with out the actual work as well. Still, I suppose that's more or less always been generally true with me of life in general. I can do the thinking, but less skilled at the practical application. You'd imagine though that deciding what you want to do and then doing it would be fairly straightforward. Plenty of people will say just get out there and do it, which is hard to argue with, but being simple and straightforward may not be such a simple and straightforward task. It is though suggested that the introvert is naturally more sensitive so maybe it's all part of the whole Type 1 and Type 2 personality thing. Still, I digress. I suppose to some extent though this very journal is me being compelled to write. I'd still do it even if no one at all was reading. Content aside, do my pointless ramblings have any stylistic merit? Hopefully it doesn't in some way detract from me doing perhaps more creative and artistic scrawl? *shrugs*
Well, these thoughts are only half-formed really so I shall for now scamper off and maybe come back to them later once I have read my little guide and petted my fluffy kitty. I am looking forward to The Guardian Book on the English Language that will be in next weekend's paper though. This from the newspaper famed for having as many spell mistakes and typographical errors as my little fradulent letter did! Last weekend for instance I was amused to note a short review for the unqiue new paring in dance between the actress Juliette Binoche and the boxer Amir Khan. Amir Khan?! Oh wait, that should have been the choreographer Akram. Hee, though more people might have been interested to see that first paring!
Not that I'm terribly pedantic bore when it comes language, lord knows I make enough little errors on these pages, but it can be of much amusement particularly when it comes to Fox News or the Republican National Convention, which is why I suggest if you're in need of a smile you visit http://www.englishfailblog.com sometime. It will make you feel a bit better about things for a while. |
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7 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| Diablo III Looks Pretty, As May Other Things |
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| 02:55am 19/09/2008 |
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mood:  Various music: London After Midnight - Demon
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There was a surprising amount of bright and warm about today after the looming greyness of previous days. It led to my efforts of the morning in tidying my little flat up a bit rather more draining than I had expected. Still my cleaning efforts were greatly aided by the arrival of my lovely new vacuum cleaner. Heh, funny the things you can get excited about. Still, now my carpet to hair ratio has been greatly rebalanced back in the favour of carpet and I'm really quite pleased with the results overall. Though I am minded that, despite being small, my flat is a most awkward thing to hoover, being split in two as it is and with various awkward corners. I'm also reminded of just how little storage I have along with a surprising amount of stuff which remains elegantly piled in those awkward corners. I've never been a kind of beast to mind clutter though, and I'm quite satisfied with my new toy.
Meanwhile in other exciting news I recently discovered that Blizzard are well on the way towards making Diablo III! Woo! I've never really had the means to be that big a gamer really, but the Diablo series has for a long while been a particular favourite of mine. Hee. Judging by the the screenshots and videos on the website its looking quite pretty too. Heh, in 3D and everything! I can only wonder though how the storyline is going to go. How is the big red Diablo going to return after his soulstone was destroyed at the end of Diablo II, along with that of Mephisto and Baal? And what of the world of Sanctuary since Tyrael destroyed the worldstone? The trailer doesn't give much away, besides a large meteor and, obviously, swathes of monstrous demonic evils. I'm actually rather excited to find out, though whether I'll actually be able to play the game on this little machine of mine when it's finally released is something I sadly doubt. A little disappointed perhaps to see the place of the Druid class from Lord of Destruction seems to have been taken by that of a Witch Doctor. The Druid got to summon wolves. Want wolves! Heh.
Still, back to the real world and my kitty tending duties have been cut unexpectedly short as Mother and Robert have had to return early from their travels having been unable to find a cheap enough holiday deal, what with the fire in the Channel Tunnel and the collapse of airline XL and so forth. Good in some ways of course as it allows me more free time, but still I would have liked a bit longer looking after Ozaymandias and making use of the caravan's superior cooking and cleaning facilities. I still intend to go visit at the weekend though so I shall still be able to pet the animal some. Incidentally, I happened to take my camera with me on my last journey out to Ruswarp so I may shortly have one or two images of my route to share on these pages shortly, or possibly on Facebook perhaps.
In the meantime, I still await the arrival of Open University course materials for me to start working on. I do hope that I wont be falling too far behind. They have apparently received and are processing my application for financial assistance and are holding my place open on the course whilst that goes on. Guess I can but wait I suppose but it is a bit annoying. In the meantime work at the shop has been quite busy and active this week. Apparently too we also have a lot of very good gothic stock come in for Whitby Goth Weekend. I haven't as yet had the opportunity to get my eyes, let alone paws, upon it but I'm told there's a lot of good stuffs. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to see if there be anything that I might be able to snaffle away for myself before anyone else sees! Maybe I could yet have pictures of some spiffy new outfit to share with you all at somepoint.
Speaking of all these pretty things as this post seems to be I've also been pondering something of new look for my livejournal too. Particularly since my webstats thinger decided it wasn't going to let me play any more I thought I could rearrange a few things. Whether or not I'll ever get round to it though is another matter. In the meantime though I shall leave you with a lovely little picture of my brand new shiny toy! Heh, well if Wordsworth can seek to elevate the common spade to some kind of nobility I can get excited about my new vacuum cleaner! Hee, but ish pretty no?!
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4 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| Penitence |
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| 02:30am 16/09/2008 |
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mood:  creative
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Well, as those of you who take the time to read my little ramblings may know I have for some time now been very close to the completion of a new poem. This, finally, is that poem! *fanfare* Heh, hopefully I haven't oversold things too much there! Still I do have to admit a certain uncertainty regarding this one, over and above the usual degree of uncertainty I have about pretty much everything. Partly no doubt just because it has taken me such a while to get the last bits completed, but also because it is of a rather more personal and confessional tone than some of my previous recent poetic efforts. Still, hopefully it still be able to stand up as piece of writing in its own right. In any case, I'm sure all you people are more than wise and learned enough to decide on such matters for yourself. It is also perhaps not quite as I had initially imagined it being at its commencement, still such is the creative process I suppose. For the main though it is more less self-explanatory but I'll happily share any details on the poetic devices used or my own thinkings upon it should you wish. Either way, any thoughts you may wish to share be they positive or critical are as ever more than welcome. Still, here it be. Me hopes you likes.
***
Penitence
I would go out walking late upon the hill,
To greet the primal forces of the storm
And drown my small and fragile will
In the impersonal power of its shapeless form.
To let its icy lashes score my skin
And, lifting me up from off the earth,
To feel it scour my being deep within
And erase the remains of my meagre worth.
For all that I have lacked the courage of
My own convictions, and for such times
As I did falter in the face of love
And hid from you. My selfish crimes
Of a self-doubting insecurity,
By which ties I bound my heart up tight,
From the most esteemed, fastest to flee
In the mad rush to prove my fears right.
So let the winds enfold me as I climb,
And rage through all the corridors of me
To find where I’ve been hiding all this time
And throw down the walls of my sanctuary.
To consume me in its vast seething rush,
So much greater than I could ever grow
To be or comprehend, yet now its crush
Be all that I could ever hope to know.
My heart’s corroded cables proved too frail
To anchor me fast to the soft sea bed
And withstand the wrath of the tyrant gale
So let Nature’s tempest now take me instead.
To slice me through with its merciless claws
And open up each hidden, twisted part,
Scour out the holes of my faults and flaws
And subsume me deep within its wild heart.
Not to erase my allegory of wrongs,
Nor sand away my testament of scars
But to fill me with some more vibrant songs
And pin me back together with the stars.
Then cast me bruised and beaten back to earth
Like the rough swell rejects the stricken bark,
Yet weathered and tempered to a new worth
As a walk through ice may a new flame spark. |
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4 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| Decisions, Decisions... |
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| 02:56am 15/09/2008 |
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mood:  productive (by my standards)
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Are not things I've ever really been that particulary adept at making. Such is the difficulty of being such a liberally minded creature I suppose! So my pondering today as to whether I should spend a second night with kitty at the carvan, or return here to the flat took a great deal of time and effort. Either would have been ok after all, but I sorted of needed to come back in case there were any messages from the OU or anything, then on the other hand staying would save me having to make the journey out there again tomorrow, to leave enough kibble for the animal to last him over two days whilst I'm at the shop. Then there are thing I still wish to do in town tomorrow, but I could still do those and then go visit kitty, but equally I could leave kitty his food and then go do things in town and then back to my flat. Ach! See, it's difficult! I don't know if perhaps my lack of ability to choose between these two options say anything particularly profound about the somewhat distorted way I sometimes fall into viewing the world? Growing up, the important decisions were most often made for me and so it was perhaps one of those important life skills I didn't properly learn? Umm, maybe.
Anyways, as it was my decision was more or less made for me as I started to get something of a grumpy headache. Partly from all the pointless agonising I was doing but also from the excessively noisy bunch of people on quad bikes tearing up a field across the road. So ironically I found myself returning from the countryside riverbank and back into the town to find the relative peace and quiet that I thought a weekend with my kitty might provide! Still, I did manage to have quite pleasant night, a good deal of it trapped beneath Ozymandias whilst my legs went to sleep. It's an interesting thing how his behaviour does seem to change when left on his own for periods. He's not usually much of a lap cat but when it's been just me visiting he's been quite happy to curl up on top of me. He must miss the human company to some degree. Although not quite so much as last time the humans went aways though it seems. It's only been a few days thus far though I suppose so maybe he will be more excitable at my arrivals and playful in my presences yet as the weeks go by.
Ah well, I shall indeed make a brief visit there again tomorrow to see he's well supplied so I can do my thing at the shop for a bit. Doing the shop and kitty in the same day would not be impossible but it's easier not to. Otherwise I have planned myself an exciting day tidying up my little flat a bit and also scouting round town to see if anywhere will sell me a relatively small vacuum cleaner at a reasonable price. I can use the one out in the hall, but really feel I ought to be getting my own now. Anyways, it's a plan of sorts. As you can see I'm not particularly good at making them but I'm having a go! Who knows, it may yet prove to be something of a productive weekend! I'll get the hang of this living thing one day or another, just you watch! Heh. Still you may yet be pleaed to learn that I am but a word a way from a having a new poem to share. I may lack the basic art for day to day living, but give me a pen and paper and I can yet scrawl a diverting verse or two! |
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2 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| Council Door Inspectors |
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| 02:42am 13/09/2008 |
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mood:  wearied
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Ah well, that was, a day. It began, somewhat unexpectedly with a knock on the door from my landlady and visit by two gentlemen from the local council. Apparently they needed to inspect the very doors on which they had knocked for fire safety purposes. Had I been informed of their intended visit I might perhaps have done a bit more to tidy the flat, and possibly been slightly more awake and kempt for their arrival! Still, the inspection didn't take much more than a few moments and everything proved fine so I can happily set fire to myself safe in the knowledge that the flames will be contained for a relatively longer period than they might otherwise have been! It was though something of an abrupt start to my day and not quite what I had been looking for.
Meanwhile, my afternoon at the shop proved to be a rather long one. The rains managed to keep most customers at bay so I spent a good portion of the time wandering about an empty shop waiting for something to do. Rarely did I have more than about five people in the shop at any one time. There is a difference between a nicely quiet day and one that proves to be desperately uneventful. The latter rather wears me out as much as a busy day might, if not moreso in its particularly tiresome fashion. Later though I was to get to pleasantly soggy lugging my bags of shopping back home from the Co-op which was in a small way refreshing.
I'm thinking that I may spend tomorrow night chez Ozymandias perhaps. Either way I did today buy some of his favourite kitty treats so hopefully I shall be able to have a nicely relaxing time with my feline. I also acquired myself a few things for my time at the caravan which I would not have had means to cook here in my flat. So, yes, hopefully I shall have a pleasant weekend ahead, with the charming company of my animal and surrounded by the regenerative delights of nature. I have some other plans for the weekend too, how much of those I shall be able to get done will remain to be seen, but I'm endeavouring to think in a positive fashion. Right now though a weariness is upon me so I shall shortly be off to bed. One thing I've noticed though, looking at my last.fm page, it's been more than two weeks since I've done any proper music listening! This will certainly have to be rectified at some point.
Oh, but the good news I have now found my lost hairbrush! A nation breathes a collective sigh of relief. |
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2 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| Cutting Things Fine |
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| 01:50am 12/09/2008 |
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mood:  relieved
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So I finally (finally!) got my grant application forms from the Open University. Naturally they arrived just the day after I had grumpily poked at them, the universe doing its best to make me look silly. Still, I got them all filled in and signed and stamped by the appropriate authorities, inserted the necessary evidences, and sent off on their way for what should be just in time for the deadline which I am told is this very day, the 12th. Although in an earlier email I had been informed the final deadline for applications was the 19th so just how fine I am actually cutting things I don't know. Smrrs. Either way it's been somewhat unnerving and aggravating, but hopefully now everything is in order and I just has to wait, at least I know my actual entitlement is not in any question but judging by how things have gone so far who knows what might yet happen? Still I am now more or less reassured with things.
It's not though exactly been the kind of preparation I would have hoped for in starting this year's course. By now I would have liked to have been getting on with reading through the course materials, pondering my first assignment and such. Still, hopefully I wont now find myself too behind with things when I actually get my paws on the real stuff and will be able to do all the works and so on. The sooner I can be getting on with things now the better really. I mean it does look an interesting course, studying a very broad range of literary works and their various aspects, indeed so broad I am having trouble summarising it simply here so instead here be the the course description as it is on the Open University website. A lot of interesting stuffs no? Anyways hopefully it will be good when I finally actually get round to starting it properly! Hopefully indeed though that will now be very shortly.
Anyways, having got such tasks out of the way today I was able to spend a reasonably pleasant afternoon out at the caravan tending to kitty Ozymandias which I shall be doing for next three weeks or so whilst my mother and Robert are away. It was actually quite a pleasantly sunny day so it was nice to sit out with kitty and watch the birds, though admittedly kitty's interest in them will have been markedly different than mine! As it was he didn't manage to kill anything whilst I was there this time so that be a good thing. I'm pondering that I might stay over a night during the weekend perhaps, the good and less good about staying over there of course remain the same as they were the last time, still I shall see how the feeling takes me when the time comes. Methinks tomorrow though I shall invest in some kitty treats and perhaps one or two things that are beyond my means to cook for myself with the facilities in my flat but can be put together over there. A nice pasta bake, or pie or somesuch, my flat has only the very tiniest of little electric ovens.
Still, tomorrow I will have all the fun of the shop then hopefully I shall have a nice enjoyable weekend, spending some time with my animal, and generally recharging myself. Since all the excitements of last weekend, this week has been a rather tired affair so far but hopefully I should soon be back to whatever passes for good form when it comes to me! Anywho, I cut things fine, but everything should now more or less be in order I hope. Now hopefully I can actually think about getting on with things again. |
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2 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| A Wearied and Disheveled Wolf |
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| 02:57am 11/09/2008 |
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mood:  sleepy
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Ach! Well I seem to be an even tireder creature this night (another busy day at the office) and along with a barely functioning brain, both Facebook glitchiness and my disobedient laptop have wilfully conspired to ensure I've managed to even less this night than I did the last! *grumbles* I also seem, after my travels over the weekend, to have managed to misplace my brushes for both my fur and fangs so I'm usual pristine appearance is not quite it should be either. Meh. Ah well, I do have certain tasks I need to perform tomorrow but I also get to go spend some time with my kitty so hopefully the relaxation of feline company may energise me somewhat. Anyways, I promises proper messagey replys to people and something even vaguely resembling real news very shortly! Now though I be a tired creature, and not a little disgruntled with technology, so I'm off before eyes melt any further down my cheeks. Hopes everyone else be good and well.
*falls over* |
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1 Petting - Pet Me |
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| Gruesome |
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| 02:30am 10/09/2008 |
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mood:  blank
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Hm, tonight hasn't quite gone to plan. I did have ideas of things to do online but I haven't seemed to have been able acheive them, or properly arrange my thoughts as I would like to reply to comments left me, despite knowing what it was I wanted to say I couldn't seem to form the words into a suitable expression. Maybe a combination of my weekend activities and exceptionally busy day in the shop today. So anyways, since I seem to have few words myself I shall entertain you with the words of someone else. A poem which I have been most fond of since cubhood. I'm aware, of course, that I have posted this on these pages before but that's just another indicator of my wearied mind I guess, and discussions of it have come up recently. Anyways, enjoy!
***
Gruesome
- Roger McGough
I was sitting in the sitting room,
Toying with some toys
When from a door marked "Gruesome"
There came a gruesome noise
Cautiously I opened it
And there to my surprise
A little grue was sitting
With tears in his eyes
"Oh little Grue, please tell me"
"What is it ails thee so?"
"Well I'm so small" he sobbed
"Gruesses don't want to know"
"Exercises are the answer
Each morning you must do some."
He thanked me, smiled and do you know what?
The very next day he... |
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Pet Me |
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| Journey's End |
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| 01:17am 09/09/2008 |
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mood: tired
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And quite a journey it was too! Particularly on the way down to Sheffield. All was going well up until the point I got to York to be greeted with the rather disheartening vision of a large departure board full of trains, all delayed indefinitely! Apparently flooding had led to signal failure someplace and not a great deal was moving. The day was saved however by my sister's husband, Robert, who drove all the way up to York from Sheffield to, ahem, get me to the church on time! Still, despite that small trauma with no small thanks and appreciation to Robert I managed to get down in good time and indeed for a quite enjoyable weekend all told.
The wedding service was very lovely, and fortunately the only real amount of rains happened whilst we were all inside the church. The reception afterwards was also quite agreeable, and quantites of drink made me pleasantly sociable rather than anything untoward, if my memory of it all is now somewhat hazy, certain fragments recalled like images from a dream. Still, a most pleasant dream though! Nice foods and setting and time with family and other's who I'd not seen for a good many years. I even managed the odd conversation with some of the Keeton family, none of whom I had met before. I seem to have some vague recollection of being asked by a nice woman with a video camera what I though marriage meant and rambling some suitably flowery reply whilst, horror of horrors, I think I was also forced to dance at one point! Well, 'dance' is perhaps too grand a term for what I am capable of, as one of my favourite mottoes goes; wolves can't dance - it's a paw thing. A lot of the rest of the time I seem to recall was spent discussing such topics as particle physics, evolution, religion and the nature of the human condition with my Aunt Chris. You know, you're usual kind of wedding conversation topics.
The next day was quite enjoyable too, once I'd properly woken up and ironed out the creases of just the mildest hangover. Anyways, it was a pleasant day, spent mainly in the company of Dad and Aunt Chris. We went to the Botanical Gardens which was, somewhat annoyingly, playing host to some dubious art fair, charging £5 per person merely for entry, besides what quite astonishing prices some of the art works were apparently going for! Still, it was nice seeing the revamped gardens in a bit more of a flowery condition (the first time I had seen them after their restoration had been last Christmas and then things were a bit bare). We were however caught in a quite impressive thundery downpour and had to seek shelter in the Bear Pit. Though we managed to escape being drenched then, on our way back from coffee and cake at pleasant local coffee and cake shop we were very much caught in a most significant cloudburst which did get me just a little soggy, but then I do actually rather enjoy such things. Hee.
Anyways, the journey back proved thankfully rather more straightforward on the trains than getting there, although in York the Ouse was most impressively spilling over its banks and threatening people's gardens, whilst many of the farmer's fields we passed now seemed to be a place for ducks and herons rather than cows and sheep! Made it back though, somewhat tired and weary (too weary I fear to go to the birthday party of fellow shop worker tonight, methinks I napped through that) but genuinely quite pleased with the way everything had gone. There, I always knew there'd been nothing to worry about! Heh. One note of slight worry though in that on returning my hoped for financial forms from the Open University still have yet to arrive it seems, which is rather concerning. Tomorrow I shall need to seek to compose something of a grumpy letter if there's no sign. Rather too drained to do anything about it during opening hours today though. Still, that aside, it was a lovely wedding, enjoyable party and generally quite pleasant weekend.
Now back in Whitby of course I must get on with things. Besides poking the Open University people with a stick I have the shop to go to tomorrow. Mum and Robert are also about take a trip away themselves for three weeks, possibly going tomorrow or perhaps the day after, so I shall be having a short period on cat-minding duties, though that is of course not an unpleasant task. It should be nice to spend a while with my kitty and maybe even stay a night or two by the river in the caravan where I can be amongst the green trees, tweety birds and superior cooking facilities! Anyways, doubtless there's many more details I could add to my tale but I fears I have used up what lingering brain energies I had for writing so it be time to scamper off. Still, I hopes everyone had a most enjoyable weekend. I did. Those bits I can properly remember. Now it's back on with the tricksome task of living and the real world, or at least those parts of the real world which remain inescapable, despite best efforts! Where one journey ends another begins, or in this case, when one small detour ends the main journey recommences! Still, it was an enjoyable detour, indeed it was, and as is often so, the detour that in many ways defines the journey. |
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1 Petting - Pet Me |
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| Senseless Sensations |
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| 03:23am 06/09/2008 |
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mood:  nervous
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Now I have no reason to feel nervous now do I? I have a nice family wedding to go to, and I'm pretty sure of every step I need to take for a journey that I have done countless times before. Yet still my nervous system is jumping about, little electric currents running through me, tensing muscles, fluttering butterflies and straining breath and heartrate and so forth. All of which entirely removing any hope of sleep I might have had before my travels. I know there is nothing to be nervous about and yet still physically I am set on edge. I am making some use of those tools and exercise I have to dampen these sensations, and they are having some affect, yet still my brain seeks to scamper about seeking some hook to fix these feelings to, and could go to excessively imaginative lengths in doing so did I not make the effort to rein it in. Presently it seems to be at least confined to but the vaguest ideas and the odd unbidden impulse thought that it wishes it didn't have to go. I wish I didn't feel such pointless things for no good reason. It's not as if it helps me to stop and take a few moments in my preparations, it would just entirely paralyse me to inaction and hiding were I to let it. You'd think it might realise that if it wanted to be safe and happy then this sort of thing be entirely the wrong way of going about it and utterly counterproductive. Ho-hum. Well, hopefully once I get on my way I'm thinking perhaps the familiar rythyms of travelling by train on a route I have taken countless times then my nerves will be suitably reassured and I'll be able to get on with things. I'll be good I think, once I've got going, still I do wish beyond measure that I didn't feel such things, whether in these circumstances or just more generally. Ah well, writing it out helps anyways. I'll be off in a few hours and I'll be ok once on my way. In the meantime hopes everyone else has a most enjoyable weekend and I shall be back again some time on Monday and shall let you all know how it went. Au revoir. |
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4 Pettings - Pet Me |
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| Fled is that Music - Do I Wake or Sleep? |
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| 01:33am 05/09/2008 |
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mood: blah
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I had dreamed of things, yet in the seconds after waking those things were gone. Still it seems all through today at least part of mind has remained asleep. Still, despite the vague aching sluggishness that has dragged upon me I have managed at least to managed to finalise my travel arrangements for the weekend, by means of a phonecall to my Dad, and that small accomplishment has leant a certain greater degree of stability to my senses. I get the 7:15 bus out of Whitby on Saturday, then that much travelled journey by train to Sheffield. The planning of such journey does though seem to be a great deal more complicated these days with so many different companies and routes requiring different tickets, still I have played this game enough times to know my why even with all the changes. Hopefully the weekend shall prove enjoyable anyways, though I'm mildly amused to see the predicted rains on the weather forecast for the weekend! Ah well, weddings are mostly conducted indoors are they not? Still hopefully it will be a good time with family, and I'm particularly looking forward to seeing my Aunt Chris who I've not seen in years. Hopefully I shall manage to have myself a reasonable time in any case.
There remain certain other things causing me a small anxiety though. I still await the arrival of forms from the OU for my financial assistance application. If they're not here tomorrow then it will be past the time I was told to expect them (which is going by working days although they didn't precisely specify such). There is still time for me to get them filled in and sent back for assessment but it is going to be cutting it fine and it hasn't really been the best of preparations for my course. Grrs. If they are not here very shortly I shall have to grumble at them again but hopefully such things wont be necessary. Still no word yet on the outcome of my other financial assessment either. They do seem to be taking their time, though I don't suppose I can really read anything into that. Can but wait and see. I am now though fully registered to vote at my new address having got my electoral register form a couple of days ago so I can at least make my own vain gesture at stemming the rising blue tide whenever that time may come.
Meanwhile at the shop the transition between summer stock and winter stuffs continues with our beloved area manager further endearing himself to his people by commanding various changes to the organisation of the shop floor, and the back again, and then to something else! To add a further dash of fear to my earlier tales of horror though, I have actually sold a few Christmas cards to some poor deranged mad people. Please, can't we at least have Halloween and Bonfire Night first? You know, those Autumn festivities. Christmas is for Wintertime, at least in this hemisphere. It's against nature if you ask me. They're just asking to have a hole ripped in the fabric of the universe and allowing the dark forces of chaos to be released from the netherworld between realities and engulf the world in madness! Just don't say I didn't tell you so when the universe collapses in on itself that's all! Hee, though of course the universe is going to be swallowed by a black hole when they turn on the Large Hadron Collider at Cern next week, either way, we're all doomed!
So with that cheery news time for me to scamper off and hopes that everyone is finding to enjoyable ways to spend the last few days of existence. Hee. Now I but wonder if I shall have any interesting remembered dreams this night, I'd like to, it's been a little while. |
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3 Pettings - Pet Me |
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