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hella sleepy

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i wonder if anyone else ever thought like this. when i was a bairn i was told about the "i before e except after c" thing. i ended up getting ridiculously confused because i interpreted that as meaning any letter in the alphabet after c. so it just meant to me that if there was a ie/ei word then it only counted as ie if the letters a or b were in front. every other letter meant "ei". i was such a stupid child. you know when you just don't get something because you're thinking in the completely wrong way? well i was a lot like that and i think i still am in some ways. ho hum.

so my job is totally cushy. that manager i was talking about got fired cos she was being a dick and taking advantage of my colossal reliability. theres no other way you can be in such a situation really, its not like i have any power or authority to take time off. i feel guilty enough when i ask someone to clean a knife let alone ring them up and say they'll have to do today by themselves cos i got too merry last night.

so yeah thats cool how i'm not treading on eggshells anymore. thats exactly how it was. lots of pussyfotting and translating what i was thinking into terms that she wouldnt hate me for. words with the same meanin can be said in such a different way, and some people are of a certain disposition to be able to hold it against you forever and ever.  i just cant handle most girls, especially people like dani who are so prejudiced and just uncomfortable to be around.

so now i can open up and i have my own music to play! the other day was sweet. i was feeling really cool. i wrote down how i was feeling in fact:-

"wish i had my diary. today is a cool, lazy day in the shop. i'm reading a book by albert camus, listening to nouvelle vague and sitting in the most comfortable position in the world. very few people have come in and all of those who have have been asolutely lovely. the city looks beautiful, the sky is amazing and the sun casts a wonderful light onto everything it touches. this is a totally cool day."

another amazing advantage of working where i am is the shop next door: lush. yeah i know, you love it or you hate it. well, all the people who work there are great. i had a stupid conversation with one of them this vey day:

"so are you up to anything tonight?"

"naw i'm just back home to lanchester to help my parents with moving some stuff"

"where do you live?"

"lanchester"

"the MOON?!"

oh you crazy pink-haired vegan lady with your big beamy grin. your personality is ridiculously contagious. and everyone else there has a sort of cool quirkiness about them which sort of rekindles your belief in human decency. i've been given so much free soap man.

well lookey here i've been able to scrape a bit of time together. so, a lot has changed recently in my life kinda sorta. i shaved this morning for the first (proper) time in 3 months and it really takes the years off. i was scared to go to the bar tonight.

anyway

i quit the corner house because i was sick of dealing with all the shit there, and people seem to generally be following my lead! i made a couple of good buds there and many more nice acquaintances. a girl called kelly gave me some radiohead cds, she's totally lovely. a total dude called owen has handed his notice in and gary from the kitchen has already gone. seems to me that all the coolies are upping and outing. my crazy guitar friend who plays on northumberland street (you may know who i'm talking about, harmonica guy, funny glasses) said he was in the corner house and someone said the place was a lot more boring without me, that made my day because i was having a bad day because the manageress at my new job is a real handful.

i have many problems with her. the first is that she carries a disgraceful abundance of sexism. i don't care how badly you've been treated before, it doesn't mean you can treat every male you meet with a slightly lower amount of respect. passive feminism and campaigning for equal rights are two entirely different things. she was whinging yesterday to the delivery bloke about how i have no respect for her. it's a two way street right? if i've got it all wrong then please tell me to shut up, but she seems to treat me really stupidly because i'm a boy and classically we're supposed to be stupid and manish. well i'm not like that. i'm fragile. and i will take every bad thing you say about me entirely to heart.

also everything she says/does is obviously paramount. she goes mental on her ego which i guess is fair enough, she's been at that company 2 years longer than me and its unsurprising the way she is. but i notice the days when she's off and i'm the manager everything seems to be a lot easier to do.

but she changes minute to minute! she can embarrass you in front of a whole shopful of people and then she can be you best friend a few minutes later. it's a horrible girly trick and its not cool. it just makes me schizy

unfair sexism bitch over.

2 weeks ago to the day (14 days and 1 hour ago in fact, or something like that) i got on a train that went to leeds and there i wandered around for a whole day. people actually thought i was crazy to do that but i just needed a change of city. its a nice city. it was full of new experiences. i got punched in the face for the first time ever! round the back of a church. its all about new experiences thought isnt it. apart from that i just bought some cool clothes and loads of music. nothing special cos i wasn't with anyone.

newcastle/heaton etc. in general is fairly cool. i'm surrounded by nice people who always seem pleased whenever they see me. especially on out-and-about sort of things. another cool thing is i keep bumping into people i've made sandwiches for! unfortunately not the good people though. there was this one amazing girl who i got on great with for the time i saw her but she's never been back in the shop....must have gone back to heaven.

my flatmate luke scares me a bit. i don't think he likes me very much. have you ever had a relationship with someone where you know that both of you are decent human beings but you have nothing in common? well thats sort of what luke and i have going on. except he says some really stupid fucking stuff and i dont know him well enough to just tell him to shut the fuck up. urgh! the frustration. i dunno what to do there really. i can't be arsed to try and have a conversation with him because he's so vague and sometimes doesn't even bother speaking back. too much pot is his problem. i really think he's going insane. maybe he's taking me with him! oh no!

too ponderous to sleep AGAIN. have there been others before me who think like this? a sort of circle of thought around no particular subject expressing a vague longing for something, but what? who knows.

i just sent an email to a bunch of schoolfolk about meeting up and i hope they reply. flash-in-the-pan ideas are poo and i don't like them. i wonder if they think of me as a social pioneer for making the gesture. i like to get things done, it's true. have you any idea what little time there is in your life?

i found a peanut in my pocket :D and i bet you're getting tired of the stream of consciousness i'm currently flowing, so i'll get onto something a bit more solid in a sec.

i hope people have gone on their first spell of independence and come back and brought back good ideas and things with them. lets be honest, it's a life-changing experience that you only really go through once and it really does change you. that's why i'd like to meet people and philosophise and just generally natter and get drunk and have a good time. we're only this young once. i've become good friends with a 20 year old girl called emma who works in my pub and she goes on about how i don't have to worry so much because i'm young, when she seems to worry so much herself. i sort of relay this rhetoric onto a 15 year old girl i know called leanna, about how jealous i am of her being 15 and if i was 15 i'd do it again properly and stuff. so it's funny how it goes like that. it's only a couple of years but they really make a massive difference and a huge amount can happen in that time. like a huge amount can happen when you're by yourself in a new city with over a thousand pounds in your bank account. so if you're reading this and you got my email (even if you didnt and just want to meet up) please drop me a line, i'd like to keep the connection going.

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cold

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It's nice to come home. For a bit :P then it gets a bit tedious, lil brother's being annoying, Mum being over-reactive, Dad being naked...... I can't say I miss those things, but it's sort of endearing in a cool way. I love coming home to see the people that grew me up. Just done the Christmas tree, aww

So the rent got sorted and the flat is still a mess because Blazey went and melted the hoover, but it's cool, there's a new flatmate called Luke who's a sound fellow and things are going quite swimmingly. The other week was fun, Matt and Luke and I and loads of other people went to his thing called Critical Mass where I'm sure the aim was to raise awareness of drivers polluting things. Actually it was a group of cyclists with a big rikshaw set up with reggae-blasting speakers getting in the way of cars in central Newcastle. It was brill! This girl Sarah got a bit of abuse off a driver, then Matt shouted "you're killing the planet!" at him..... I think he got a bit carried away, that was far too clichéd. But we laughed. Luke got rammed by the rikshaw at some traffic lights and his wheel was totally bent which was a real shame, on his birthday aswell. I told people off for not letting buses past. Buses are cool. If there are any people reading this who just happen to live in Newcastle and want to get involved it happens every month. Drop me a line if you're interested.

Work's fine, I'm probably getting a new job working at the new Country Whey which has just opened in toon. Sounds pretty simple, just hope I don't have to wear a hair net. Last night was really fun, I like it when people talk to you, things seem to go faster and happier. Made me smily. Gary and Emma from the kitchen got very drunk and started handing out nicknames.  Handsome Dave is now known to them as "Studly", I am of course known as "Shaggy". Thats what I got called at my last job, it brings back painful memories. For once, just once, I'd love to have Handsome Dave's nickname, to be known to all as Studly, to be introduced as Studly, to get the aura built around you of a generally Studly person. But alas,  there are some things in life that are maybe never meant to be. Stupid world.  Chris is a decent chap, pays for my food, but I pay him back because I try also to be a decent chap. Soooo..... yeah, not much interesting to say, just thought I'd see if there are still friends out there :) if you're back please tell me, we should go and get pissed

[	mood	|	numb	]
[	music	|	kinski	]

hallo!

So i went to see Squarepusher last night which wasn't very good but I still danced like an idiot because its always brilliantly fun to do so. It was good, it just wasn't great. Luke Vvibert was good-ish, Cassetteboy were peurile idiots. Two people dressed up as clowns taking the piss out of really interesting topics like The Streets, Dido, Harry Potter, Crazy Frog and of course Tony Blair and George Bush like no one's ever done anything like that before. Honestly! People shouldn't be allowed to exploit sitting duck topics like that, its just shooting fish in a barrel. I read an interesting letter in the paper the other day about that Cradle of Filth tee that says "jesus is a cunt". The bloke writing in said try doing that with Islam. Dani Filth would get fucking beaten, because then he's actually doing something controversial. People make me ANGRY

Apart from that I've just been working out what I should do with myself, and working at the Cornerhouse which is slightly enjoyable. The grubs like me are down to earth and cool enough. Some people just have to chill a bit. Others have to get a bit of a reality injection. And the rest have to realise that it might be a bit nicer if the food was actually cooked as opposed to microwaved. I couldn't believe how much stuff is ordered in frozen. Franchises eh? Lets take them all down. I think the owners are monsters aswell, they look like they're godzillas wearing human disguises. Franchise monsters! argh!

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sad

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Oh man, just as I was writing that last post the phone was ringing, it was our next door neighbour saying that she thought she saw a dead cat on the pavement across the road. Poor Chloe, she was in really bad shape. I'm a lil shook up right now. I decided to wrap her in a towel and put her in a box. It was really hard to do. Some guy walking his dog came and helped me.

I'm ok cos I've dealt with pet loss a fair bit but still, she was a lush cat. I'm glad I had a chance to see her a bit last night having spent so much time away from them all. I was taking her up the drive in the box and Ziggy came up and got all whimpery... that really started to tug at the heart strings. She was fascinated by the box. I brought her back down. Dad doesn't seem too good, he loved that cat, I think she was secretly his sort of favourite. What a way to start the day... I bet later on Dad'll start quoting that poem he used to quote when this sort of thing happened:

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it
                            - Omar Khayyam

That's a damn good poem.