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[05 Mar 2005|12:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
Everything seems nearly perfect now. Piper and I are together, the boys are healthy, the family is together. I'm nervous about what the Elders might have planned for me, but I can't worry about that. Whatever it is, we can handle it.
I should never have agreed to become an Elder. I was honored, but my place is here with Piper and our sons. I belong with them, not up there. This is my duty, and I won't let anything take me from it again.
( Final note )
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[02 Dec 2004|01:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
//Firewalled against Cole and Morrigan and Paige//
Piper and Prue have been handling the news about what I am well, though Piper was pretty upset I didn't tell her sooner. They even agreed to talk to the other Avatars about their plans and how they can bring about a better future. It was a lot to take in, and they're still thinking about things. I know they're upset about what the Avatars did to Phoebe, but I think they understand it was just an accident.
Paige, though...her relationship with Kyle has colored her reaction to the Avatars. I don't think Piper's told her about me yet. It would probably be a bad idea -- she'll tell Kyle, and he'll try to kill me again. There has to be some way to convince her that Kyle is wrong about the Avatars.
//End firewall//
//Firewalled against everyone//
I've been keeping an eye on Morrigan. She has no idea what the Avatars did to her, but she'll probably figure it out before long. She hasn't really done anything yet, just making Cole act out of character and Piper feel better about what's been going on. I'm not sure what the Avatars are trying to prove to me.
//End firewall//
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[27 Nov 2004|11:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
//Firewalled against all but myself//
The Avatars want to rid the world of demons. So today they wanted to talk to me about Cole and Morrigan and Balor. They asked me if I would fight them being destroyed along with the rest. Of course I said yes -- I don't want them included in this. They may be demons, but they're not evil -- especially Balor. And Brenna hasn't even been born yet. The other Avatars insist "once a demon, always a demon," and that Cole and Morrigan are no different from the rest. They need to be destroyed.
I don't believe it. I won't believe it. But they said they'd prove it to me. They wouldn't tell me exactly what they were going to do, but they said it had something to do with Morrigan. I'm going to have to keep a close eye on her and Cole and make sure the Avatars don't do anything to hurt them. Cole's already suffered enough at their hands.
//End firewall//
Thanksgiving was great. I've missed spending time with Piper and the boys as a family so much. And I'm going to have years to make up for the time that I've missed with them.
We're having family portraits taken tomorrow. Piper's wanted to have this done ever since Wyatt was born. She wants this to be perfect, and so do I.
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[23 Nov 2004|12:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
nervous |
] |
//Firewalled against everyone but myself//
I made a mistake the other night. I wanted so much to stop hiding the truth from Piper. I know she can handle it. But revealing it almost got me killed.
She was so frightened when I told her what I was. I can't blame her -- the Avatars killed her sister, after all. But I tried to explain to her that that was an accident, that they had no intention of harming Phoebe. It was Cole they were after and Phoebe unfortunately got in the way. I would never have agreed to become one of them if I thought they were truly evil. Now, with their powers I can put an end to all this suffering and death. A world without demons...a world where Piper and the boys and I can finally be a normal family.
But the other Avatars were right. Now is not the time. It did seem like Piper and Paige and Prue were going to be able to handle the truth, but Kyle couldn't. Whatever happened to his parents is blinding him from the peace the Avatars will bring. And if Cole ever found out....
The truth will come in its own time.
//End firewall//
One day we'll have the normal life we want, Piper, I promise you. We'll find a way. No more fighting. No more demons.
In the meantime...are we having Thanksgiving at the Manor again?
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[16 Nov 2004|09:11pm] |
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//Firewalled against everyone//
What good are these powers if I can't win Piper back?
//End firewall//
Piper, please tell me what you need me to do. I want to make everything right again. I want us to be a family again -- you, me, Wyatt, Chris. Please, just give me another chance to prove myself to you.
I orbed to England to get you roses. I got you truffles from Paris. I got you this necklace.... I got us reservations for dinner tonight. Anything you want is yours.
I love you.
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[14 Nov 2004|04:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hopeful |
] |
//Firewalled against Piper//
I've got everything set up. Rex, P3's manager, will watch the club for Piper. But the nanny just cancelled on me.
Prue already had plans, I think. I need to find Paige and ask her if she can watch the boys. She has to say yes.
And then Piper and I can start over.
//End firewall//
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[03 Nov 2004|09:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 energetic |
] |
//Firewalled against Piper//
I need to do something to make everything I've done up to Piper. I walked away from her three times, three more times than she deserves. I almost can't believe there's a chance she wants me back.
But I can't just come back and pick up where we left off. Maybe if we start over somehow? I'll woe her and win her back. Start off small -- a date...not this weekend, that's moving too fast. The weekend after? I just need to find the perfect place and someone to watch the boys. I'll have to see if that Elfin nanny is available.
//End firewall//
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[31 Oct 2004|07:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
rejuvenated |
] |
Prue got the idea in her head of doing a vision quest for me, one like Phoebe had earlier this year.
//Begin firewall against everyone//
I didn't want to do something like that -- not after what just happened. But how could I refuse without telling her why? It's my own fault for leaving the Book of Shadows open to the other vision spell. I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to refuse. I just hoped that with her doing the spell instead of me, it would work this time.
//End firewall//
I tried to talk her out of it, but she and Piper seemed to think this was a good idea to help me.
And they were right. I saw Chris. He showed me how I was holding on to my pain -- the pain of losing him and the pain of Gideon's betrayal. But then he showed me how the pain was worth it. How without it I wouldn't have Piper, or Wyatt, or Chris himself. It's pointless to hold on to the pain, though. It's fleeting. It's the love that stays strong.
I'm seeing the world in a whole new light now. I think things are going to be okay.
//Begin firewall against everyone//
The Avatars. All along it's been the Avatars.
They showed me a future. Even if Wyatt doesn't become evil, he dies young. So does Chris. They all die. The battle of good and evil...it's pointless. It just leads to suffering. But if I joined with them, if I became one of them, I could save them all. They gave me the power to save Piper and Prue. They would be dead now if I hadn't accepted. I had to. I had no choice.
I can't tell any of them what I've done. They wouldn't understand, not after what happened to Phoebe. Cole would never accept it. This is something I had to do.
For now I'll just let them all believe the vision quest brought me peace.
//End firewall//
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[28 Oct 2004|12:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 morose |
] |
Piper -- I'm sorry I didn't answer your call. I didn't realize it was this serious. I was just trying to stay away to protect you....
The Elders know what's going on and they're working on something to fix it. You should be hearing from them soon.
I wish I could help but...it's too dangerous.
I love you...
//Begin firewall against all but myself//
This can't be happening. My son is the Source of All Evil.
At least I know that killing Gideon was the right thing to do. I think. Unless it's something else entirely that turns Wyatt to evil and Gideon was just part of it. Maybe it was this new power that did it. I still don't have a real answer. It's best that I keep my distance before I cause more trouble.
//End firewall//
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[24 Oct 2004|08:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
guilty |
] |
//Firewalled against everyone//
No...no...this wasn't how it was supposed to work. I just wanted to see -- see what my sons would be like if I hadn't killed Gideon. I got my answer. Wyatt is evil.
But I thought it would just be a vision. I didn't expect that the spell would conjure up Wyatt and Chris's future selves. And even worse -- when they appeared, the kids vanished.
Piper is hysterical. She was calling for me last night, but I didn't answer. I should tell her what I've done, but I don't know how. It's just more proof that I can't be trusted near her or the boys. I can't bear to think of the look on her face if I told her that I'm responsible for them disappearing.
I have to find a way to fix this. I don't know where Wyatt is, but Chris is trying to find him. I can't do much to help right now. Whatever Wyatt did to me weakened me. I'm getting better, but I can still barely orb.
//End firewall//
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[23 Oct 2004|07:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 moody |
] |
I can't go on wondering if I did the right thing. I have to know. I can't find any peace until I know that killing Gideon was the right thing to do.
There's a spell in the Book of Shadows. I'm not a witch but I should be able to use it. It's a premonition spell, one the girls never needed because of Phoebe. It should give me a glimpse of any future I want.
Show me what my sons would be like if I didn't kill Gideon.
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[20 Oct 2004|10:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
distressed |
] |
Am I doing the right thing?
Those things are after me. They could hurt Piper and Wyatt and Chris to get to me. Or confuse me so I don't recognize them...and I could hurt them. I can't let that happen.
I can't even think straight anymore. I don't know if anything I do it right. Maybe...maybe killing Gideon was the wrong thing to do. That's what set me on this path. I had to protect Wyatt and avenge Chris. But Elders aren't supposed to kill. It's against everything I've ever stood for.
I wish I knew if I did the right thing. I wish I knew that killing Gideon was the right thing to do to protect Wyatt and Chris.
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[18 Oct 2004|11:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
I'm not insane. I'm not imagining things. Piper saw the thing that's been haunting me, too. At least I know it's not a hallucination now.
But those things...whatever they are...they're after me. They know that I'm weak. I'm a danger to everyone around me. I've already proven I'm a danger to the Elders. How soon before I prove that I'm equally as dangerous to my family?
The only way to protect my family is to stay away from them. After everything that's been happening...I can't trust myself. I could hurt them. Or this new power will hurt them to get to me.
I don't want to leave her...I don't want to leave them. But I have to.
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[10 Oct 2004|08:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
worried |
] |
This is really really bad.
Have to do something -- have to figure something out. I'm not going to lose her.
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[06 Oct 2004|01:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hopeful |
] |
//Firewalled against everyone but Piper//
I finally told Piper -- about the things I've been seeing, and the voices I've been hearing. She thinks it's just my doubts manifesting themselves and that I should ignore it. It seems so real.
She's right. I ned to let go of the past. What happened with Gideon was necessary. I had to protect Wyatt. And Zola...wasn't my fault. I have to trust that the other Elders aren't like Gideon. I have to trust myself that I will find my way again.
//Firewalled against everyone//
I need to figure out something to make all this up to Piper and show her how much I love her. I have missed her more than I can possibly describe.
I wish I'd never been chosen to become an Elder. I should've said no. Love is more important that duty.
//End firewalls//
It felt good this past weekend to be sending the Charmed Ones to protect an innocent and vanquish an evil. It was almost like old times.
But the part of new times that I will never want to give up was falling asleep with Wyatt and Chris in my arms.
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[26 Sep 2004|08:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
scared |
] |
It's a lie. It has to be.
But she looked awfully familiar.
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[20 Sep 2004|02:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
moody |
] |
Until Dyson pulled it from her, I didn't realize Piper was so angry with me. I don't know how I couldn't have seen it. I've been so wrapped up in this quest to first vanquish Barbas, then any other threat to my sons. I've neglected her, left her alone when she needed my help. That's unforgivable. I love her so much -- how could I treat her like that?
She was right when she said I need to stop focusing on the bad and concentrating on the good. While I've been running around I've missed watching my sons grow up. I've missed her.
I feel better now that Dyson's pulled my anger out of me. But it's not a real cure. It's like when I masked Piper's feelings of grief with magic -- just a momentary fix-it. I have to deal with the real issues.
//Firewalled against everyone//
They know Zola is missing. They think it was me. Everything's changed now -- I know I should learn from what Dyson pulled out of me, but...I still don't know who I can trust up there.
I saw that thing again. Don't trust anyone, it told me. I know I shouldn't listen to it, but it's right.
//End firewall//
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[14 Sep 2004|02:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
guilty |
] |
/Firewalled against everyone but Piper/
I killed an Elder. Zola was my friend, but...he was after Wyatt, too, wasn't he? He was with Gideon. I had to stop him. I won't let him harm my son -- either of them.
Piper thinks something tricked me into killing Zola. Maybe it was Barbas. I don't know anymore. I just know the other Elders can't ever find out. They've already shown their "mercy" in sparing Cole -- but I think they won't show it again for the death of one of their own...at the hands of one of their own.
I don't know what I would do without Piper. I love her so much. I just wish we could be a normal family again -- us, Wyatt, Chris....
/End firewall
/Firewalled against everyone
I still don't know what that voice was I heard. Was I imagining that? But it was right. Barbas being dead doesn't end the pain of betrayal. It's eating me up inside. I shouldn't let it but...the Elders went after my son. Their actions caused Phoebe's death. I don't think I can ever trust them again.
/End firewall
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[09 Sep 2004|09:55am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
This isn't good.
Piper, Prue, Paige -- the other Elders want you to vanquish Cole.
I can't talk them out of it. He killed two of them and they want him taken care of.
I've done all I can up here. I can't do any more...there's something else I need to take care of....
/Firewalled against everyone/
Of course they want Cole dead. They don't understand why he did what they did. They think they're always right. They made the wrong decision taking away Phoebe's powers. Cole was right -- they probably were trying to weaken the Power of Three so Gideon could get to Wyatt.
I have to find Barbas. I'll vanquish him myself and make him pay for his part in this. I'm on his trail now, and he can't hide from me for long.
And then I'll find out which Elders are involved and make them pay as well. I won't let them hurt my sons.
/End firewall/
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[06 Sep 2004|09:42pm] |
|
I just got word that not only did Cole kill Aramis, he's killed Thrask and Crill, the two demons on the Tribunal. What he did to Crill was...I can't even think about it. No one, not even a demon, should suffer like that.
Adair is the only one left. I have to find Cole and stop him before he tries to kill him, too.
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