sometimes guys, it's just real hard to teach tolerance when it comes to christian fundamentalists.

no honey, you don't have to be friends with them, just be nice. ok?

Dark Night, by Justin Hall

thank you chris for this link.

i can relate. somehow, even if i'm in the most fucked mood, where i can't and won't talk to hardly anyone outside of home for days, i have found that i can do this. even if it's the worst day of my life, most times, i can do it. even if i am one of those that are hugely awkward around groups of people and would rather go sit in a dark theatre and watch a movie any day than go to an art opening or party, even one that i may be giving or are involved in, i have found that sharing some personal information about me and my life here is something i can't not do. it seems easy. is it something to do with my generation and our growing up with the most outlets for media than previous generations? is it that i found solace, connectivity with my place in the world, within things that have no heartbeat and have grown accustomed to being just a little removed from personal interaction? this gets to be confusing for me, like i'm having a light-bulb moment but then i quickly forget what the idea was or i understand the idea but i just can't backtrack the steps that led to it. maybe i just have an addictive personality and this is just another outlet. maybe all this is a waste of time and i need to try and do something else. sounds like so many others out there too saying, oh, it's going to be awhile till my next post cause i need a break. then they come back (usually a few days later) and say that it's been awhile. i always think to myself, god, what a nerd, how silly, etc. then at the same time i think, god, i know. i know how it is. you just want someone to care. you just want someone to understand about how you are, what you're thinking. when i'm around people i really think are cool and sometimes they dork out, i'm like, yeah, we're all the same. we are all unique and dorky and have are things and strangeness and we are all just trying to be cool on the outside. maybe not trying, but i guess assuming a certain type of presence. i kind of dig that. a lot.

an example of how i "...quickly forget what the idea was or i understand the idea but i just can't backtrack the steps that led to it":

i watched the first disc of the first season of the show, 'the l word', last night. here's the deal. what the hell is it with people? it got me so mad. it's because all the women in the cast are skinny, gorgeous creatures (with the exception for the lady who played 'jackie brown'--not skinny, but she's still gorgeous though). the story lines are good, but i swear, what the hell is it with mainstream depictions of lesbian and bisexual women as models. it's like i imagine the producers of showtime saying yeah, ok, we can run this show, but i want the lipsticks! not that there is anything wrong with pretty, it's just, i wish there was more diversity among the cast that would show people that it's not all like that. it's kind of gross to me. i was just thinking about that and then i thought, well, maybe it's just what all t.v. shows do. use pretty, rich actors to portray characters and you just watch it and we're all lemmings, etc. but i did think of one example, that being ray romano. he's not pretty, he has his own show. so...but then i was thinking, ok, what show has a woman as a main character that is not model pretty. let's see....i'm still trying to think of one. well, i don't have cable, so i may be unaware of solutions. hm. anyways, did i like the show. yes. i did. despite the typecasting. hey, i'm just as petty as the producers i guess. ok. maybe i got so mad because it was like watching stereotypical straight guy's lesbian fantasy. gross! but, maybe that was their target audience and well, i should step aside. whatever. this is stupid. maybe i'm just jealous and i need a reality makeover.