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| Saturday, June 7th, 2008 | | 11:47 pm |
| | Monday, March 3rd, 2008 | | 5:22 am |
Realization: I want Absolute Credibility
For months now, maybe even a few years, I have been contemplating a hypothetical situation: Some magical force offers me 3 wishes. I can have anything I want, no exceptions.
The first 2 wishes were pretty easy to decide. Excellent health and money/cash/liquid assets
equal to ALL of Bill Gates' wealth.
But the third wish was a tough one. What did I want? A mate? If I had health and wealth, I can easily obtain a mate, a good mate, probably even as many mates as I want.
Peace on earth? I guess, but I'm reminded of that X-Files episode where Mulder asked for peace on Earth and the entire pop disappeared.
So what did I want?? I finally realized it early this morning: I want ABSOLUTE CREDIBILITY. I want people to believe everything I say without questioning it or doubting it.
It seems like I have struggled with this all my life. People seem to doubt me. Sometimes I say things that make them hostile, and that is not my intent. It has gotten much better as I have gotten older, but I still struggle with it.
For instance, I remember in Navy when I spent almost a year and a half trying to convince ppl I was sick. The doctors would get angry with me, get hostile, refuse to help me. My peers began to ostracize me.Even my father tried to turn against me. Just thinking about it makes me physically upset.
But I remember there were other people, people with more credibility, who seem to have the docs wrapped around their finger. They could and did fake illness and get away with it.
And then there were the ppl worse off than me.I remember one poor schmuck whose behavior changed dramatically in his command. Always the good sailor, he suddenly began to have serious behavioral problems.They assumed he was just a troublemaker and began the process to kick him out. Part of this process involves med exams, including an eye exam. During the eye exam, a brain tumor was found. Thus his dramatic change in behavior explained.I don't know if they changed the nature of his discharge or not.
But, once again, I have meandered off the path. What if I had absolute credibility? If I said to some restaurant manager "Hey I can't afford the check but I'll be back tommorrow with cash" and he accepted my word for it!
What if, in the military, I told them "I need to be sent to these places and have these tests done" and they did it! And if i told them "Hey you need to honorably discharge me with full retirement" and they did it!
OMG! Absolute credibility means ABSOLUTE POWER!Woo hoo!
But actually Ill just settle for the person believing me and givng me that valuable commodity that is in short supply: compassion.
If only they had all given me compassion. The docs,my peers, my superiors, my friends, my family. All I wanted was compassion.Why do ppl find that so hard to give?
Ok so now what do I want more? compassion or absolute credibility??Hmmm
Im still asking the genie for absolute credibility. For now. | | Sunday, February 17th, 2008 | | 3:20 pm |
Famous Cat Lovers - just an FYI
I am reposting this because I am a cat lover.
FAMOUS CAT LOVERS
Raymond Chandler - talked to his black Persian, Taki, as though she was human and called her his secretary because she sat on his manuscripts as he tried to revise them
Sir Winston Churchill - (1874 - 1965) Churchill's cat, Jock, shared his master's bed and table. Churchill often sent servants to find Jock and refused to start eating until his cat was present at the table
Albert Schweitzer - (1875 - 1965) Sometimes left-handed Schweitzer wrote prescriptions with his right hand, so as not to disturb his cat, Sizi, who liked to fall asleep on his left arm
Mohammed - Mohammed (570 - 632), the founder of the Muslim faith, thought dogs unclean, but liked cats. He once cut off the sleeve of his robe to avoid waking a sleeping cat as he rose to pray
Petrarch - (1304 - 1374) When the poet died, his cat was put to death and mummified
Cardinal Richelieu - (1585 - 1642) This Prince of the Church reserved one of his rooms for cats, where overseers fed them chicken pates twice a day. When he died, the overseers and cats were provided for
Ernest Hemingway shared his Key West home with more than thirty cats
Florence Nightingale owned more than sixty cats in her lifetime and often complained of mysterious "stains" on her paperwork
cardinal Richelieu, who had dozens of cats, built a cattery at Versailles in which to house them
Mark Twain kept eleven cats at his farm in Connecticut. His daughter, Susy once remarked, "The difference between Papa and Mamma is, that Mamma loves morals and Papa loves cats."
St. Agatha (d. 251) is still known as Santo Gato (Saint Cat) in parts of the Pyrénées mountain range of southwestern France. She is said to appear in the form of a cat on her day, February5, to punish women who have angered her.
St. Francis of Assisi (1182 - 1226), according to an Italian legend, was saved from a plague of mice by a cat which sprang miraculously out of his sleeve.
St. Gregory the Great (540 - 604) possessed no worldly goods except a cat, which ie liked tostroke and hold in his arms whilehe was meditating.
St. Ives (1035 - 1115), the patron saint of lawyers, appears in portraits with a cat by his side, and is sometimes depicted as a cat.
St. Jerome (340 - 420) was famous for owning a cat and is frequently depicted in paintings accompanied by a domestic cat instead of his more traditional lion mascot.
St. Molig of Ireland, according to legend, became disturbed when his pet cat caught a sparrow which had eaten a fly; he restored both bird and insect to life.
Some other famous cat lovers include: Jeremy Bentham, Raymond Chancler, Colette, Victor Hugo, Samuel Johnson, Pope Leo XII, Montaigne, Edgar Allan Poe, Theodore Roosevelt, Sir Walter Scott, Mark Twain, Horace Walpole, Abraham Lincoln, and H.G. Wells. | | Monday, December 10th, 2007 | | 11:09 pm |
Xmas 2008 Ok everyone needs a break from me taking off every year for Xmas. So here are my plans for next year: Spend time volunteering at Shelter and petsitting for neighbors on the following days: Thanksgiving Black Friday The Sat and Sun after Black Friday Xmas Eve Xmas Day New Years Eve Get a seasonal, part time job. Volunteer for Salvation Army Get a real tree for cats and decorate with cat treats. Put up lights in solarium, even in upper top windows. And put lights on solarium french doors. Take THE POLAR PLUNGE on New Years Day. Maybe in Kirkland. Maybe Ocean Shores. Ok any other suggestions welcome. Current Mood:  optimistic | | 11:05 pm |
Plan for living with disability Ok I don't think I will have to move if I do the following: 1) Talk to VA social worker about situation and see what the VA can do yo help. 2) Talk to CCS (Catholic Cmty Services) and see what suggestions they have and what they can do to help. I need help daily with: Medication Meals Shopping Walks/exercise And I need some regular social group. I need to get more involved with the Quakers and I will join Codependenta Anon. Current Mood: optimistic | | 5:09 am |
Ok more dating preferences
Now I know why I can't find anyone. Too many demands.
He must be drug free and sober.
He must be of certain ethnicities.
He must be sexually functional, which leaves out a lot of diabetic guys.
And how the hell do you address that issue anyway? "Hi I find you attractive. But I have to know something first.Do you have erectile dysfunction?" | | 4:54 am |
Update on living arrangements and dating
Ok I have learned 2 things since coming to visit my parents:
1)Culpeper sucks. No way I am moving there, I don't care how close it is to the nephew. Small and provincial.One cute area with shops but hardly worth living there.
2) My mother has a bad temper.
and as for the dating sites,I learned a few things about what I am looking for. Those things I must have or can not stand.
Age- I am interested in a certain age range. Unfortunately no one in that age range is interested in me.
Distance- I can't stand the idea of dating someone outside the city limits of Seattle, especially now that I don' have a car.
Size tolerance- The dating sites keep matching me up with men who are specifically looking for athletic or toned women. This is not fair to me or to them. It is really demoralizing.
Education-If I see one more guy who says he has some "collage" education I think I will scream! I don't have much of an education myself but I would like his education to be on an equal level with my own. And he has to have street smarts as well.
Children- He must not want children. Ok if he already has them but he can not want anymore.
Tolerance-He must be tolerant of my limitations (ie my fatigue) and lack of employment
Right now those seem like the most important things. | | Saturday, November 17th, 2007 | | 6:31 am |
Charlottesville or Culpeper?
Well, time to face the facts: I can not live by myself.My parents want me to move to either Culpeper or Charlottesville.
Ok Ive tried to explain to them that living by myself whether it be in Seattle or Virginia is not an option. They say well at least the family will be nearby. Like that helps. I NEED TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE.
Ok so I'll check out some places to move to while I am here in Madison. But that pesky Summer heat is not going to be good for me. Should I go bi-coastal? Live in Seattle during the summer? Rent my condo to students Sep-May? Can I even afford that? Can the students? And do i really have the energy for a small move twice a year? What about the cats?
My parents obviously don't want me to live with them and I can't blame them. My brother and his wife have the room, need the money, and a babysitter but I drive my SIL nuts. In fact I drive most ppl nuts which is why finding a room mate is going to be so hard in Seattle or Virginia.
Ok ok lets not panic. Lets go see the VA social worker when I get back.
I have to say I wish I had gotten a 2 bedroom condo. That would give me some more options. Sometimes I think it would be cool if Kit could move in with me. It would solve our problems temporaily. | | Sunday, November 4th, 2007 | | 5:52 pm |
Reparations
I'm not sure how those "facts" are going to save my ass.What do you want us to do? Ignore black ppl? Put them all in jail? Kill them all? Ship them back to Africa?
You claimed we spent a trillion yet it still isn't enough. A lot of minorities are woefully undereducated.The public school systems suck in poor neighborhoods and a lot of black people live in lower income neighborhoods.
I think we should give reparations to the descendants of slaves in the form of full scholarships to private schools and colleges. Pay for everything, including transportation, special education, remedial classes, and private tutors, GOOD ones. This would give them a GOOD education, integrate them into the upper/middle classes, and give them more opportunities as far as jobs and more education.Plus this would cut way down on crime and the general racist tension that seems to pervade. Thus the reparations would benefit everyone.
Is that going to be expensive? Hell yes. But the government wastes so much God damn money already does it really matter? I'd rather have one more educated person of ANY color than a damn overpriced toilet seat only a handful of ppl are going to use.
I would like to see some hard numbers. How many black people out there claim to be descended from slaves? How many can prove it? How much would it cost to educate every last one of them from the 100 year old black lady to the infant born yesterday? How much is it going to cost to give them each a GOOD education?
Should we limit it to education and/or training in majors/subjects that are in demand and ones they can get good jobs in or take a risk and allow the talented and driven to study their passions?
Yeah its a lot of work, but so was being a slave. My ancestors owned slaves. If weren't for the blood and tears of those slaves I would not be as well off as I am today.I would like to pay them back, but there is no way I could afford to pay even one of them what they are owed.
*********************The above was written in response to:
Before you tell me that I'm some type of evil, racist monster, consider the facts:
For years, we White folk have done a lot to "redress the wrongs of the past." We enacted laws and social programs to make things better for everyone. Welfare, Medicaid, Food Stamps, Affirmative Action, Racial hiring quotas, Minority Contract set-asides. We desegregated our schools, prohibited discrimination in employment, education and housing. . . . spent more than a TRILLION dollars, all in an effort to redress the "wrongs of the past."
Look what we got for it:
1.7 million violent, inter-racial crimes every year, with 90% perpetrated by Blacks against Whites!
(Source: FBI Uniform Crime Statistics) | | Saturday, October 27th, 2007 | | 11:47 pm |
Beavis and Butthead Milestone
Lately I have been getting rid of stuff.It started out as a way to make money but now it seems to be a way of cleansing myself. I don't really know why I feel the need to cleanse but doing it is giving me this weird sense of satisfaction. Almost weekely I look for things to sell or give away or even put into storage.
Friday a milestone was reached when going through some old books I found a Beavis and Butthead paperpack. At first I was going to keep it, but when I flipped through it, I realized nothing in it entertained me anymore. I was pretty sure I wouldn't get a dime for it at Third Place Books, but I donated it to the library and I am sure they will get something for it.
It just kind of saddens me that I don't care anymore about BEavis and Butthead. Of course being a woman and one who doesnt smoke pot, most ppl have argued that Beavis and Butthead should never have interested me in the first place. But they did. That cartoon made me laugh my ass off. I remember running it on my VCR after school when I was seperated from future exhusband. My female roommate thought I was a damn moron.
Now I just don't have it in me to have any interest and it saddens me. I thought I would love Beavis and Butthead forever. I guess not. | | Monday, October 22nd, 2007 | | 5:09 am |
Drowning vs guns In a given year, there is one drowning of a child for every 11,000 residential pools in the United States. In a country with 6 million pools, this means that roughly 550 children under the age of ten drown each year. Meanwhile, there is 1 child killed by a gun for every 1 million-plus guns. In a country with an estimated 200 million guns, this means that roughly 175 children under ten die each year from guns. The likelihood of death by pool (1 in 11,000) versus death by gun (1 in a million plus) isn't even close: Molly is roughly 100 times more likely to die in a swimming pool accident at Suzy's house than in gunplay at Rick's." http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1421386/postsA child is 100 times more likely to die in a swimming accident than in gunplay, writes Steven D. Levitt, University of Chicago economics professor and best-selling author. | | Friday, August 31st, 2007 | | 1:25 am |
I'm going to be on the Discovery Channel!!
Aug 31 2007
Friday
2PM PST
The Discovery Channel
A Haunting
The Apartment
TV-PG (LV)
Newlyweds Bill and Myrisa Spencer are thrilled when they find a recently renovated apartment on the outskirts of Seattle. But when the couple is confronted by ghostly figures, they can no longer deny that their new home is haunted.
I can't wait to see who they get to play me! | | Monday, August 27th, 2007 | | 2:53 am |
Insecurity: Yours, mine, and ours I met a nice guy in Yahoo Chat recently.I know, a nice guy in Yahoo chat, what a oxymoron.Anyway, we have been chatting casually for several months and I was touched, even moved, when he expressed an attraction for me. The truth was I have felt something of an attraction for him too,so we agreed to meet. Thus far, it has not happened. He has been busy with his daughter and wanted to wait until she went away with her mom (his ex wife) on vacation. Ok that's cool. Totally understandable. But in the meantime, our casual chats online have intensified. And thats when his insecurities started kicking in. (8/22/2007 3:00:41 PM): when your in relationship with someone....do you have good imagination? do you always like to fantasies things with your man? are you good with romantic fourplay? (8/20/2007 8:47:25 PM): lol don't worry i'll behave when i get to meet you but if we are serious about each other.....careful cause i will have all the enery to make love to ya.... i mean....to go out date again to park or whatever **cough** (8/22/2007 3:03:59 PM): oh i don't usually make you do things with me...i just happen to do it...just do it for fun like for example when we in bedroom and i'll come out pretend i'm a male stripper in funny goofy way just to make you laugh (8/22/2007 3:05:08 PM): kinda like the show from 70's show where eric and donna dress up in star war for there role play Ok not even met yet and he is talking about our sex life. 8/22/2007 3:08:22 PM): thats how i keep this relationship interesting and not boring and making sure my woman is happy He is already worried about a boring sex life and we still haven't met. Apparently he and his ex-wife divorced because there was no passion in their relationship. At one point I asked him his opinion on a dress I saw on Ebay and he wanted to buy it for me. Now I know I fancy myself a bit of a gold digger, but it turns out, its just a fantasy. There is no way I can let a guy I have never even met buy me anything, especially a damn dress. *sigh* today he decided to send me photos of all his ex-gf's and his ex-wife. And he informed he had only ever been with one woman. This is really not the point in the relationship I want to know that. 8/26/2007 10:43:26 PM): yep but the good part is.... i never slept with them just my ex wife cause i was raised in baptist church and what i was raised to believe sex after marriage Oh lord he's Baptist.hardcore. (8/26/2007 11:03:21 PM): seriously i'm too embarrassed to tell you i only slept one woman entire life.... (8/26/2007 11:03:29 PM): i'm just be honest He's just honest. Or he is trying to drive me away. He also told me, at the grand old age of 33, he decided he must hide his gray hair and used "Just For Men". TMI. I know he is anxious and insecure about our first meeting/date, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. Talk about Karma! I can remember all the times I pulled the "I'm just being honest" routine on potential mates.And now I understand why they ran away screaming. I feel like doing the same. I just can not deal with other people's insecurities. My theory is only very secure people can deal with insecure people, thus the reason I find insecure people hard to deal with. I just can not deal with their constant need for reassurance and validation. Current Mood:  anxious | | Monday, April 9th, 2007 | | 9:15 am |
Depressed I feel depressed today. So fucking tired. My weight and blood sugar are up. I feel like eating nothing but salads and fresh fruits.Problem areas: Health Relationships ( both romantic and platonic) Business Education I don't want to die, but depression is so difficult. My chat life is falling apart. Gehf and Kat don't come into Yahoo anymore. I suspect they hooked up and things went bad. Current Mood:  depressed | | Saturday, March 3rd, 2007 | | 9:32 am |
Beth's Diner
So I finally went to the infamous Beth's Diner at about 1:30AM this morn. I guess I was expecting more of a Denny's/Shari's type place. But it was a dive, a dump,a shack. So small it was almost claustrophobic. And the decor gave the place that "not really clean" look. Crayon drawings done by customers all over the place and a few dolls here and there, which wasn't so bad. But when you contrast those with the 1950's dirty walls and low ceilings, it gave the place a chaotic look.
I wasn't expecting to be asked to wait when I came in. They wouldn't seat me til my friend Rob got there and I was given a choice of waiting outside or in the "game room", a small, smelly place with too many ppl, and not enough games. There was something like 5 pinball machines (at least I think they were pinball machines) and over 10 ppl in there. Kids. All younger than me, staring at the old lady (moi) who looked out of place.I think I was the oldest woman in there. After looking around for 5 minutes, I chose outside. I suddenly understood why so many ppl were hanging around outside.I was the oldest woman out there too.
Interesting enough, even though it was a moderately priced 24/7 diner on Aurora Ave, I dont think I saw any hookers. Lots of drunks and punks but no hookers.
As I waited in the cold and rain and street lit darkness for my friend, I noticed an Australian bar next door was open.A lot of poor schmucks were standing outside of it in the rain, smoking away under the canopy.At least I had a choice.
One drunk guy in a nice leather coat made eye contact with me as he passed and said hello.Ahh the power of beer goggles. I noticed outside the Aussie Bar, a woman was covered from neck to toe in winter gear: boots, long trench type coat, scarf but strangely the coat was open to reveal she wore a belly shirt.Later she and Mr Beer Goggles would be seen chatting together inside Beth's by the front door. She was pretty so maybe it wasn't all about being drunk with Mr Beer Goggles.
Rob showed up and we went inside and were seated right away at a booth with only one bench. We were not given crayons or paper but our orders were taken cheerfully and promptly by the waitress. The food was better than Denny's. I had a cheeseburger and hashbrowns and a THICK vanilla shake with too much whip cream on top. Rob had the 6 egg omelette. I had noticed the 12 egg omelette earlier and almost puked. It was HUGE, and I could smell the damn thing from 10 feet away. Rob's six egg was mostly a thick roll of egg (one layer was about an inch thick) and not as much filling. I prefer Floanna's kitchen sink with hashbrowns and sour cream.
I saw one old guy wander in. He looked like a trucker type. He sat down at the counter and looked around like he was confused and a little scared. The kids were good though. Didnt bother anybody. Had a "live and let live" attitude, which is always good to see with kids. Or anybody for that matter.
Im glad I went to Beth's. Im glad Rob went with me. I dont think Ill ever go there again of my own initiative but if someone asks Ill go. | | Saturday, October 28th, 2006 | | 9:55 pm |
Veils:Whats the Big Deal?
Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I want to put a paper bag over my head. It could be for various reasons.Bad hair day, bags under the eyes, beard, or maybe I just feel bad about myself. Whatever the reason, I don't do it because it would ultimately do the opposite of what I want and that is to draw attention AWAY from myself.
There are just times when I feel very self conscious and I feel like everyone is staring at me (less and less as I get older. Also, the anti-depressants might have something to do with that). Of course, the irony is, most people are so busy thinking the same things about themselves that they don't notice me. So we are all running around , the self conscious, thinking we are being stared at and critqued when in reality everyone else is too self absorbed to notice us.
And it doesn't even have to be a negative thing. Sometimes I don't even want people to stare at me if I look good, or if they thought I was beautiful, or whatever positive reason. I just want to be invisible. I want to be left alone with my thoughts.
So then we started fighting Muslims. And of course, everyone starts putting down their culture. They are suicidal fanatics (like some Heavy Metal Fans?), they oppress women (and God knows, American men would NEVER EVER do that!), and they make their women wear veils! *GASP*!! My God they must be destroyed at all costs! Women should NEVER be forced to cover their faces!
Well, I dont know. Most of the Muslim women I have met cover their hair, not their faces. And the ones that cover their faces, perhaps they are unduly oppressed. No one should be forced to do anything so trivial. But come on, for centuries in our Western culture we have "pressured" women to cover their breasts, even though it is perfectly acceptable for men to be bare chested in public.We have even made it illegal in some places for women to be topless in public. We use to make women cover a lot more like legs and arms.
But still, when I have expressed to people my desire to wear a veil (instead of the paper bag), their emotions have run the gamut from outrage to upset. I told one total stranger in a chatroom and he went off on me. I told my parents and they got very upset. I told another guy and he said something to the effect that I had no right to hide my beauty. Wow! The world owns my face and I am not allowed to do with it as I will. If I want to wear a veil for the hell of it, I am going to offend a LOT of non-muslims.
I could understand if Muslims were offended. They might think I was mocking their faith. But why the hell should NON-MUSLIMS care? Is it because a veil/burqa is a symbol to them of Islam? So many other things could be chosen, but I think we chose the veil because it symbolizes female oppression as well. And that justifies our "holy war" with them, our acts of aggression.And of course, wearing a veil might be interpreted as trying to hide your identity. And perhaps you want to do that because you are a terrorist! I'll make you a deal: I will remove the veil for purposes of indentification. Is that fair? Or you could always get electronic fingerprinting, which is more accurate than a photo anyway.
It's really ridiculous. | | Sunday, October 8th, 2006 | | 6:45 am |
Anne Thomas
A woman called me a few days ago at 3AM in the morning. She called on my business phone, and even though I was awake, I was not going to answer my business phone at 3AM on a Weekday. She left a bizarre message saying her kitchen was making noises like morse code and when she "looked it up" on the internet, it came out it was morse code for Seven. Then a pop up ( she did not call it a "pop up"; she said one screen overlapped another) came up that said nothing but "Dad", so she assumed her late father was sending her morse code through the kitchen from beyond the grave.
She said she had been plagued by a haunting for 15 months and the WSGS had investigated about a year ago. I do not remember the case, but she might be the one PTSD woman we investigated who lived with her son in a one room apt. Though I think that was more than a year ago.
She called again tonight at 11PM. The first time I didnt answer because I was using the bathroom. But she promptly called me again 10 minutes later. This time I picked up. It was obvious fairly quickly that she was on something. She did not seem as lucid this time as she did on the voice mail she had left me days earlier. She asked me my age, and even though I did not understand why that was relevant, I told her 38.She repeatedly asked me where I lived even thought I repeatedly gave the same answer.She told me once again about her dad/computer incident and when I asked her how her computer was working now, she said it seemed "drained". She said she lived in Queen Anne down the street from the Queen Anne Cemetery and expressed some incredulity that I had never heard of it. She asked me twice if I was psychic, and her tone seemed to indicated her dissappointment when I said no. She then told me 5 people from the WSGS had told her the haunting was being done by some old lady buried in the Queen Anne cemetery and that the old lady's ghost thought she was a slob.She indicated that she was confused as to why they had not cleansed her home of the haunting.Thinking of the PTSD woman, I asked Anne if she had been living with someone at the time of the WSGS investigation and she said no. She told me she had seen orbs, read about them, and asked me if they were ghosts. When I expressed my doubts, her tone changed to that of hostility.She then repreatedly challenged my credentials, but never allowed me time to answer her queries. She babbled some nonsense about the CBA in Everett doing cleansings,and again challenged my credentials when I told her I had never heard of them.
Finally, I asked her if she had been drinking to which she replied, "Just a martini". I ended the phone call there by wishing her well in her search, never having been clear on just what she was searching for. I doubt it was "just a martini".
I am documenting this to cover my ass. She will probably approach other groups.Better them than me. | | Monday, July 10th, 2006 | | 11:23 pm |
Creed
If you don't have control of your circumstances, you do have control of your choices. | | Friday, June 16th, 2006 | | 3:44 am |
The hardest thing
The hardest lesson for me to learn is to leave when I am not welcomed. | | Sunday, June 4th, 2006 | | 10:13 pm |
Are you really that stupid?
When you touched my hand I was reminded of that song, "Mickey" by Toni Basil.
"what a pity you don't understand.
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand"
I don't think you even meant anything by it.I played it cool, eyes straight ahead, remained calmed, kept my hand still, pretended like I didn't even notice. Old age must improve control over our bodies because (luckily) my heart didn't beat faster and my palms didn't sweat. I really wanted to believe that you were taking advantage of an opening, but alas, with old age comes cruel wisdom. That's how I knew you probably did that with all your female friends. Just being helpful not being flirty. Damn you.
You are damn lucky I didn't take advantage and give you a kiss so hard it would have blown all your teeth out. You are so lucky I value our friendship, and really believe that we will be good friends for a very long time.
But have mercy on me. Realize I'm always hoping for an opening when it comes to you. And one day I might be too weak and too tired to stop myself from doing something so stupid and selfish that it could ruin one of the best friendships I have ever had.
But I really wonder about you. Are you really that stupid that you can't see what's right in front of your face? Or perhaps you do, and you have been as merciful as you can. After all, it only happened once. And I'll never forget it. I'm glad it happened. I hope it happens again. And I hope I keep my self control. Because if that's all I can get from you, a touch on my hand from time to time, I'll take it.
Besides,it's for the best. I'm too passionate for you anyway.I really don't think you could handle me. |
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