Adam's Journal

You're mostly secure, but sometimes you need a little extra reassurance to make it through the tough times. You are usually affectionate and sweet, and you find it easy to fall in love. An encouraging word from a crush or a loved one can motivate you for weeks.

Fictional character with whom you might identify: Kaylee (Firefly/Serenity), Hiro Nakamura (Heroes)



	2008.07.18 20.38 Soon I'll be gone, and you won't miss me, and I won't miss you This is great stuff - Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog by Joss Whedon. Supervillain, musical, Whedon. Starring Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion. It starts off a little slow, but be patient - you won't regret it. This is a limited release, online only until Sunday. Make sure to check it out while you can! Mood: amused Music: Dr. Horrible "Bad Horse"



	2008.07.12 22.37 We all want to be loved - tell me, what's wrong with that? Things are more or less worked out with Lauren, which makes me happy. I need to rethink the way I approach poker, and I'm looking for a real job now (teaching, computer company, don't know...). Nothing gets sorted into place quickly enough to be satisfied right away. That makes things a little tough sometimes. But I'm trying. Your result for The Attachment Style Test... The Cuddleslut You're mostly secure, but sometimes you need a little extra reassurance to make it through the tough times. You are usually affectionate and sweet, and you find it easy to fall in love. An encouraging word from a crush or a loved one can motivate you for weeks. Fictional character with whom you might identify: Kaylee (Firefly/Serenity), Hiro Nakamura (Heroes) Take The Attachment Style Test at HelloQuizzy Mood: good Music: Coldplay "Swallowed By the Sea"



	2008.07.06 03.15 I can see my name in lights It's the middle of the night. I have church in the morning. It's clearly time for sleep. So why is my mind going a million miles a minute? It's really bouncing all over the place. One strong idea, though, is that since I love to perform, love to be up there on stage, I need to start another group that will do that. I want a group that will sing some and do some improv. I know Keji would be in for this. Alt for the improv only. But that's as far as my list goes. Why don't I know people who feel the way I do about this stuff? I need to be up on stage, to make people laugh and smile. I might not be a great leader, but somebody's got to do it... I want to practice with these people, get good, and then talk my way into a booking at the BoarsHead Theater. Another one at the International Center for some special MSU weekend event. Have them take care of the advertising. Yeah... I could make those things happen, I think. The hard part is finding the people. There are established groups out there, but nothing for me right here. (A while back I stooped so low as to try to get in touch with "Your Mom Improv", the only group here I know of, and they didn't sound at all enthusiastic about auditioning me. I guess I wasn't, either.) So it comes down to scraping the raw talent off the student body, or wherever it can be found. How do I do this? Mood: useless Music: the memories of old shows



	2008.06.27 22.35 Right exactly... where I want to be Vegas Trip Report on 2p2 (so I don't have to reformat). Pics included. Mood: cheerful Music: Coldplay "Viva la Vida"



	2008.06.22 23.44 See how different we are? This Vegas trip has been the most ridiculous thing. As I said, I'm writing a really in-depth trip report that is closing in on 14,000 words. It's going to be completely unreadable unless I post it in segments, which I will do, but there are also pictures to go with certain parts of it, so I want to take care of everything after the trip is finally over. I'm missing Lauren a lot and kind of wanting the trip to end; it's about 4 days too long IMO. I don't even know for sure where I'm sleeping tonight... what insanity. Mood: exhausted Music: Wallflowers "One Headlight"



	2008.06.21 06.04 Emotional dissonance So long ago, I don't remember when That's when they say I lost my only friend Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease As I listened through the cemetery trees I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn The long broken arm of human law Now it always seemed such a waste She always had a pretty face So I wondered how she hung around this place Hey, come on try a little Nothing is forever There's got to be something better than In the middle But me & Cinderella We put it all together We can drive it home With one headlight She said it's cold It feels like Independence Day And I can't break away from this parade But there's got to be an opening Somewhere here in front of me Through this maze of ugliness and greed And I seen the sun up ahead At the county line bridge Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead We'll run until she's out of breath She ran until there's nothin' left She hit the end-it's just her window ledge Hey, come on try a little Nothing is forever There's got to be something better than In the middle But me & Cinderella We put it all together We can drive it home With one headlight Well this place is old It feels just like a beat up truck I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes This place is always such a mess Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams I think her death it must be killin' me Hey, come on try a little Nothing is forever There's got to be something better than In the middle But me & Cinderella We put it all together We can drive it home With one headlight Geez, what a depressing and poetic song. But at the same time, there is a somewhat hopeful message about incomplete people being able to help each other function. I know what it's like to feel incomplete. Mood: thoughtful Music: Wallflowers "One Headlight"



	2008.06.19 06.01 So go on, if this'll make you happier As promised a while ago: ( New pic with haircut ) I've been writing a very in-depth trip report in Vegas that's already over 12 pages long, but I don't want to publish 'til it's all over and done. I have been losing, sadly, but having an amazing time. Mood: exhausted Music: Guster "Happier"



	2008.06.15 04.02 This place is dirty... sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn Busto in today's WSOP event. Here's an excerpt from my ongoing trip report, which will be posted in full when it's all over. WORLD SERIES OF POKER EVENT #27, $1,500 No-Limit Hold ‘Em In the first key hand for me, I was dealt AA on the button. I’d already stolen the blinds a few times and it looked like my table wasn’t anything special. It was folded to me with the blinds at 25/50 (Round 1, starting stacks of 3,000) and I raised to 200. Both blinds called. The flop was J 8 3 rainbow and the small blind led out for 250. The big blind called, and I raised to 700. They both called, which had me scratching my head on such a dry board. The turn was a 7 that completed the rainbow and they both checked; I checked as well. The river brought a K. The small blind checked and the big blind led out for 600 chips. This was a tough spot for me; the pot was pretty big, but I didn’t think my one pair was good against two players. I put him on JK with that river card and decided to make a tight laydown. The small blind did me a favor and called, and I got to see that the SB had 33 for a flopped set and the BB had the other AA! The big blind didn’t last very long, because he played his short stack very poorly. I was down to about 2,300 chips after this hand. I spent a lot of the tournament in that gray area between having to push (10-15 BB) and spending a lot on raises. The guy to my left was pretty good, and he stopped me from winning a lot of pots that I wanted to take down without confrontation. The blinds got big quickly (since I wasn’t able to accumulate chips early) and I had my back against the wall. I made one bad play where I stabbed on the river at a 6-way pot, but other than that (which didn’t cost me much) I was very happy with my play. I limp-pushed 99 at one point and picked up some chips to survive, and overpushed AJo against a cutoff raise and took that pot as well. Eric, the good player to my left, busted with 44 < AQ in the last hand before the first break. I went to the break (after two one-hour levels completed) with 2,200 chips or so, blinds about to be 100/200. I met up with Jason at the break to see that he had been doing better than me and was up to about 5,400. We had a $50 last-longer bet that I was in danger of losing (though it would be the only money invested by me in the game), as well as a $9 bet about who got to NINE THOUSAAAAND first (search YouTube for the Dragon Ball Z clip and thank me later). I looked around and saw a few poker celebs, including Jennifer Tilly and Phil Laak, Sammy Farha (at the Heads-Up event in the same room), Men “The Master” Nguyen, and Gavin Griffin. I also greeted Vanessa Selbst, a 2p2er who won a bracelet recently, and she was friendly but I was just one of the many supporting her on the forums. One of the people at my table had his friend Scott Seiver come by, who won Event #21 yesterday for $740k. This cracked me up because he was wearing a ratty, ripped t-shirt and looked kind of slovenly – but the shiny gold bracelet looked pretty nice. The break ended and I headed back to the table, ready to exercise the pushbotting knowledge I’ve gained from recent online tourneys. I’m very confident in my ability to play correctly from the short stack, but luck is a big factor. I found this out when, about 5 hands in, my mid-position push with AKo ran into KK, held by the same player who beat my aces with his set of threes earlier. I didn’t improve and I was out in the third round. GG me. At least I can say I played correctly. Heck of an experience as expected. I hope I can find a way to play in another event while I'm here, but it's going to be difficult. Mood: tired Music: Sean Kingston "Take You There"



	2008.06.12 14.45 Hide and sleep Week-long poker break until Vegas tomorrow night... more or less obeyed. Looking forward to going, but kind of bummed again at the moment. My inner angst of the day is that I was never a part of a long-lasting acapella group; i.e., didn't get to perform as much as I wanted to. There were so many more opportunities in college, and I think I did close to the best I could with the talent I had, but I guess it's hard to be satisfied with such things. And now it just seems like there's nothing. I could probably be more or less welcomed for another year with the glee club, but it seems like that ship has sailed - just wish I had something good to move on to. I love to perform - singing, acting, improv, I enjoyed it all. I like creating something that makes people happy and getting instant feedback. I like the give and take between performers, on the stage if not off it, since so many of them got tired of me pretty easily. Well, I've had chances and I've blown some of them, but I pray now for something new. Give me Sketchy People, the (more successful, more dedicated) Desperate Measures, Sideshow... 2.0. The new and improved version, where they don't come crashing down around me. Give me all of them at once, I don't mind. Because then I could be doing something that I love. Mood: quixotic Music: Imogen Heap "Hide and Seek"



	2008.06.05 22.16 Livelihood Poker has been going very poorly for the last few weeks. I've got some emotional control / anger issues that have really been hitting me hard when playing. I need to sort through this stuff if I'm ever going to be good again - or, for that matter, be happy in life. These things make me ugly. Too much stress over where I'm going to live next, what I'm doing with my life. The small stuff is getting to me too. Good thing I have a vacation coming up... but it's not really a vacation from poker, huh. Just the other issues. And they'll be waiting for me when I get back. My brother ended up getting a job with the Tigers that is a step above an internship. He's sort of a temp. He has this job for four months, and hopefully he will impress them. I trust him to work hard to do so, because it's something he really wants. Mood: failure Music: Lost Via Domus



	2008.03.29 11.21 Ironic repose I'm having some fun with my newly active YouTube account and some video clipping software I haven't used before. I'm putting up some of my favorite sketches from Sideshow. I realize a lot of you have probably never seen these. Mood: accomplished Music: Linkin Park "Breaking the Habit"



	2008.03.25 20.01 Don't overthink it I'm working as a substitute teacher again, after a bit of a hassle to get reactivated in the system. The 7th graders I had today were hellspawn (+2 against subs!), however, so I am taking tomorrow off to recover as I ease back into the working life. One beneficial side effect I have noticed since I've started working again (and I have no reason or proof that it's related, but the inverse was true last time, so I doubt it's pure coincidence) is that poker is going really well again. Perhaps it's a short-term boost, but as I was in a long slump starting in December, I'll take whatever I can get. I think there is a psychological boost to knowing I'm only playing as a hobby rather than depending on it for income, and that I'm contributing to society in my life, doing some good work. Granted, some of the children/young adults are so far gone (no respect for authority, ebonics as a first language, no desire to succeed) that one has to wonder whether it's especially worth it. But even in the worst groups I suppose there's always hope. Mood: drained Music: MSU Men's Glee Club "Hol' You Hand"



	2008.03.25 00.00 Bar none I am a mean older brother. But at least I'm funny. Mood: predatory Music: How I Met Your Mother Theme



	2008.03.17 17.40 Hating on I got scammed today. Cross-posted from 2p2: So I was grabbing lunch at Quizno's (here in East Lansing) when these two guys pull up in a white truck. All excited, they say they work for an audio company out of Livonia and their big order just got cancelled, so now all these high-quality speakers in the back belong to them. They just want to get something for them, talking about getting beer and going to the strip club, etc. I look at the box, Genesis Media Labs G-505, 2000 Watts, $4,499 MSRP right there. Exciting, no? Before I know it I've pulled $280 out of the ATM and the box is in my car. He even signs on the 3-year warranty (insisting that's worth $300 right there). I get the guy's number because I "don't want to get scammed" (d'oh), unsure what to think about what just happened. Doing some research later, I find this link: http://forums.cnet.com/5208-7596_102...228204&start=0 It chronicles the "white van scam"; apparently the speakers are a piece of crap made in some guy's garage in Canada and this exact routine has been used on many an unsuspecting target before. Beat: Out $280 Variance: Maybe I can get some use out of the speakers Beat: "MSRP $4,499" @%$)@&%@)%^ Watch out for these guys if you live in a college town. They're very good. There's a sucker born every minute, and this time it was me. The More You Know... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_van_speaker_scam Follow-up text messages with the guy: Me: "Scammed, bummer. oh well, enjoy the money, guess you earned it with that routine." Him: "Im sure u looked online. Honestly yea, its an msrp price, but dude hook that thing up and ull like it. I did give u one of our best sets. Alot of ppl that never go online never kno the diff and love it." Me: "Hah, well I don't have much choice now." Him: "Yea, sorry. This is how i make money dude. But ur a cool f---in guy man. Hope u end up liking it. Call if u have any troubles w it." I'm really down on people, and myself, right now. Lauren makes me feel a little better. Mood: lousy Music: Tay Zonday "Chocolate Rain"



	2008.05.29 01.21 Long division There's not a lot going on with me... I got a haircut after a year and a half of letting it grow. Pic to come at some point. I followed up a couple of my best weeks in poker with probably my worst, and I can't seem to turn things around. I've been doing very well with it up until this point, but every downswing seems like a never-ending black hole. Jason and I are headed for Vegas in a little over 2 weeks. I have to figure out where I'm going to live come August. On the other hand, there's a lot going on with my brother Josh. I realized that I hadn't announced it to my friends (figured everyone knew one way or another), but he's getting married in October. Additionally, yesterday he had an interview with the Detroit Tigers front office that I heard went well - I really hope he gets that job as it would certainly be a step in the right direction for his "life plan". (I use quotes as this is a concept I have only heard of, not experienced.) Mood: meh Music: How I Met Your Mother theme



	2008.05.05 23.41 You know, it's hard out here for a pimp -Been a while since I've posted. The glee club's concert was a success: I have the second solo. I think the song went well and I hope everybody enjoyed it. I don't know if I'm going to sing with them anymore; I will probably not be in a vastly different situation in the fall, but lately I have felt less welcome than I can remember, with more than one person asking me when I was leaving. I guess between the videos and finally getting some solos, and coming full circle to one of my favorite songs (Shenandoah), I've done everything I set out to do with Club. Maybe it's finally time to move on. Maybe I won't be able to. -Lauren once again felt insecure about our relationship recently, and not unfairly, so I finally made a commitment, if a minor one: I pledged to stay in our relationship at least until my 25th birthday in September. It's not a marriage proposal, but hopefully things will improve as she won't worry that I'm about to walk out on her at any moment. It's my own fault - this stupid, inconstant heart of mine. -I had a losing day of poker today, bringing an end to a one-week heater (that is, very positive streak) that more than doubled my bankroll. Feeling bittersweet at the moment (hard to deal with losses even if they're inevitable); probably mostly sweet tomorrow. I'm glad to see such a positive trend lately. As I move up once again, the challenge will be sustaining it by adjusting properly. -My hair is long. I get a lot of comments about that. I see it as similar to Lauren taking flak for being a vegetarian. It seems engrained in us that when someone doesn't conform to societal norms, even harmlessly, we have to let them know. -My brother graduated from MSU the other day. He goes on now to an internship with the Detroit Tigers front office. I'm happy for him, but maybe a bit jealous that he seems to have a better idea than me of what he wants from life. Between this and Mother's Day, I'm seeing more of my family than usual. -My car may be in its death throes. I started saving up for a new (used) one, but I am not very far along and my finances are poised to take a painful hit if my engine dies. My family will help me out if I need them, but it's far from easy to be broke. Mood: blah Music: Accafellas "Under Pressure"



	2008.04.22 20.31 Friends who try to take each other's money Sometimes I get really bummed out without much provocation. I'm happy to say that it has been rarer, but this evening has qualified. I think things just catch up with me, you know? Thinking about how I'm actually accepted and liked in so few places. Things haven't changed in that regard so much since I was in grade school - it's just that I've become more persistent, more resilient, more outgoing. That hardly means everything just rolls off me, even if it might seem that way to the casual observer. Lauren knows better. She makes me feel better because she's one of the few people who really know me and like me for who I am. I don't know why sometimes, but I still appreciate it. I'll feel better when I eat something. I won't think about all the times I've been rejected one way or another in the last week. How many times I've screwed up. I'll think more about Lauren and my family, the good times. I'll go back to thinking life is good. Mood: bummed out Music: Planet Earth video



	2008.04.15 21.04 The plight of the fat kid I'm in the back middle for this song. It's not my copy of it, but if you check my YouTube videos (MrWarranty), there are more songs from this show, though not as high-quality. I've named this song as one of my favorites I ever sang with the Glee Club. Come and watch us Monday night at 7:30 at the Wharton. It's free for students and the Dischords and Women's Glee Club will be performing as well. Mood: good Music: MSU Men's Glee Club "Shenandoah"



	2008.03.14 23.55 Someone Else wins pot I'm here in Indianapolis for the weekend to watch the Big Ten tournament. I haven't been betting on ball games lately, because I run really terrible at it, but I made an exception today since I'm here. I won the first game, on MSU, and I also put bets on Indiana (against Minnesota) and Purdue (against Illinois), both -5, because their opponents looked bad yesterday and this was essentially a home game for both. After I won the MSU game, I loaded up with my winnings on the Indiana money line, because, in my own words, "if Minnesota beats them in Indianapolis, it's the freakin' upset of the decade." So after I lost the Purdue game, what happened? Event went like this, with me sweating every second: Indiana trails 55-57 with the ball. Eric Gordon drives to the basket and gets fouled on his shot. 7 seconds remain. Eric Gordon, 85% free throw shooter, misses his first free throw. He intentionally misses the second one in the hopes of his team getting a rebound. D.J. White gets the offensive rebound. Not only does he make the putback lay-up to tie the game, he gets fouled on the shot. 3.4 seconds remain. D.J. White, Big Ten Player of the Year, misses his game-winning free throw. D.J. White gets his own rebound by the sideline and gets fouled. 1.5 seconds remain. D.J. White misses his first game-winning free throw attempt. D.J. White makes his second free throw. Indiana leads 58-57 with 1.5 seconds to go. Minnesota heaves the ball all the way across the court to the opposing free throw line. An Indiana player or two tips it, but it ends up in the hands of Minnesota player Blake Hoffarber. Hoffarber spins and throws the ball up with his left hand. Time expires when it's in the air. Swish. Minnesota wins the game 59-58. The freakin' upset of the decade. Today was a very emotional day for me. Mood: drained Music: Billy Ray Cyrus "Achy Breaky Heart"



	2008.03.11 23.18 40,000 men and women everyday Can't compare to Gunder... Mood: good Music: Blue Oyster Cult "Don't Fear the Reaper"



	2008.03.06 23.46 Close call My friend Jason, still an MSU student, is on spring break this week. I hung out with him a couple of times earlier in the week (standard), and he told me about a trip he might have been taking with his degenerate gambler uncle to Windsor (since his uncle gets free rooms and such). I asked if it was possible for me to come along and make a fun trip of it, and he indicated I might be able to come and said he would call me about it. I didn't get a call, so I assumed the trip didn't happen, but when I went to Holmes this evening to hang out (there was a poker tournament we both play in 3 nights a week, and a Spartans game tonight), his roommate informed me that Jason had gone on the trip. This made me feel bad. I got to thinking about the other friendships I've had in my life, and how I've usually been the one initiating contact for spending time together. The major exception I can think of is Angela (though Laine would also likely qualify), and I wasn't a very good friend to her at all. One-way friendships kind of suck, but hey, I guess they're better than nothing. Mood: okay Music: The Postal Service "Against All Odds"



	2008.03.03 13.19 First rain Things that lose me money: -betting on sports -playing poker during the day, when I am less than 100% Underappreciated skills I have: -changing toilet paper rolls on the plastic tube More on this not to follow. Mood: poor Music: The People v. Friar Laurence "Why Wherefore Art Thou"



	2008.02.27 14.05 Come if you can, phone if you must Fantastic parenting tips... Saw them on NoelHeikkinen.com. Original Source Mood: good Music: New Amsterdams "Fountain of Youth"



	2008.02.20 01.44 Rebellion against bedtime So I'm a big fan of the movies. I didn't think I had seen very many foreign films, but in watching Michel Gondry's "The Science of Sleep", I noticed that the lead actor looked familiar. For Christmas, Jason bought me a fantastic and dark Mexican film, "Amores Perros". Sure enough, the star is the very same guy, one Gael Garcia Bernal. I did a little more reading, and found out he's the star of another foreign film I've heard about (but not seen, yet), "Y Tu Mama Tambien". Then I was stunned to see that yes, this is the same guy again that starred as Che Guevara in another foreign film I saw and greatly enjoyed during my college tenure, "The Motorcycle Diaries". So apparently this guy is following me or something. Mood: okay Music: Jon Brion "Peer Pressure"

The Cuddleslut



	2008.02.19 12.56 What can make me whole again? On mortality: I had a scary recognition of death the other night for no particular reason at all. My own death doesn't particularly scare me as a part of life, since I have the benefit of knowing what comes after to a reasonable certainty. However, there is great pain in loss due to the death of a loved one. I haven't experienced this much in my life to this point (except the tragedy of my dog getting hit by a car when I was in the third grade, and those who've experienced as a child know it shouldn't be trivialized), but I probably will soon. My grandparents, particularly Gramma Rosie (the best person I am ever likely to know), are very important to me and have always been a part of my life. But, they're getting older, as are we all. In all likelihood, all four of them have less than two decades left on this planet, and consequently as a part of my life. That is a long time to experience directly (since it currently comprises most of my life), but looking ahead I know that it will seem like nothing at all. I don't want to go to my grandmother's funeral, but someday I will probably have to. Thoughts like that are just frightening, so we as Americans take pains to keep our minds on other things. "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" -1 Corinthians 15:55 On prayer: Why did God tell us to pray? He knows what's in our heart. He instituted prayer as a way for we lowly humans to call on His power through our faith... it could have been anything, so why that? Perhaps this is another issue where full understanding isn't to be had in this life. The Bible says prayer has the power to make a difference and even lead to forgiveness (James 5:15-16)... In Jesus's day, it had the power to drive out demons (Mark 9:29)... it's obviously a priority for Christians; prayer merits nearly 100 mentions in the New Testament. From what I can figure, praying is our way of asking the Holy Spirit (the most elusive member of the Trinity) to guide our lives. I think the implication is that without prayer, that pretty much can't be done. Prayer is also about asking God for changes in the world. It's so complicated, though; God is far away and rules over the universe, yet God knows us individually and lives within us. God is watching out for us always, yet praying to him makes a difference in our lives. "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:24 I need to get more into the Word. I don't think I've lived like I realized how important that was, but this week's message hammered into place again: God doesn't speak to us through our thoughts or emotions or anything else. He speaks to us through His unchanging Word. I want God to speak to me. Mood: pensive Music: Ish "Nothing But the Blood of Jesus"