Victorian November's Journal

Time:

1:50 pm.

.9/40.

God smiles when I trust him.

I doubt God has done much smiling in my regards. I would say that i've sunk to a new moral low of late but it's been more of dive than a sink. My purpose is to make God smile not myself. I should and DO take joy in making God happy but it is oh so easy to get your wires crossed. God first and foremost wants a relationship w/ me that can be rivaled by no other. My relationship w/ myself took the drivers seat at the expense of God and those who have grown to care for me.

Putting full trust in God is key. Trusting that God will know what's best for EVERY part of my life and take care of the impossible when need be. This means obeying go blindly w/ out my procrastinating. I really have to ask my self when has waiting to do what i know God wants me to do ever shown to be a great idea...never! This of course means not picking the parts of Gods commands for me that feel are easiest and won't "mess up my game". Man i'm a douche bag.

God deserves my praise. Through out my spree the last few months God has kept my death trap car on the road my bills paid and my art more beautiful than ever! He takes pleasure in keeping me alive putting food in my mouth and furthering my abilities. Meanwhile i haven't so much lifted a finger to thank him for any of this. It's disgusting. It feels good to return to Him.

Psalm 147:11

11 the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

As much as it burns me to say this and i KNOW it's my pride that fighting, i need to trust God in my "love life"...uugh when and why did i get so burned out on the word "love".

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Time:

7:48 pm.

.8/40.

I was planned for God's pleasure.

God has feelings. God feels pleasure. We feel love and pleasure because we were made in His image, not the other way around. I was designed to live a life of worship. An act that involves every action i make. I love the idea of be able to bring joy to God be creating artwork or just being myself. Anything I do can be done to the glory of God if I do it as though I were doing it for Jesus and w/ prayer.

This seems almost too good to be true. Worship has ALWAYS been a music thing in my eyes. Of course i knew that somethings I do pleased God but I always thought those things were like huge projects I had been thinking about or felt God was telling me to do for sometime. If there weren't some level of conviction encompassing the act prior then it must just be a "regular" part of my day. Well it's true that it's been a regular part of my day but regular parts of my day can and do please God if I have Christ in mind and in heart. This puts much more direction and purpose on my day to day life.

It's great feeling those bits of reminders that what i've done has pleased God. My life is an act of worship to God and worship to God isn't about me or my happiness BUT who doesn't feel GREAT when they've made someone they love feel happy? There isn't anyone or anything else I love more than God so the joy i get from knowing i've pleased God is amazing. This weekend has been great and Friday i was reminded of the joy I've brought to God by a friend Chris. He said, "tristan, your presence here (at this smokey karaoke bar) helps me spiritually". This immediatly put a huge smile on my face, he then commented on how great just talking about how helping one out spiritually could bring a smile to my face.

I didn't have to do anything. Sometimes just being alive and making your lifestyle clear to others that you love Christ is enough to put a smile on someones face. I wasn't preaching that night or handing out tracts i was just...there!

That was an easy on though. hehe.

Psalm 149:4

4 For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation.

I think my biggest challege will be driving through Sarasota traffic for the LORD!

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Time:

11:53 pm.

.6/40.

This world is not my home. Ain't that the truth! I remember seeing this illustration when i went to ringling. I didn't quite grasp it as much as i do now. It's obvious that our time on earth is just a blink but that doesn't mean we should put so much weight on things of this world and care about so much about how this world values us. No quite the opposite our values and emphasis should be placed on where we'll be in eternity not these short 70 some odd years.

It's a daily struggle for me to ignore the brain washing attempts of this world to get me put my heart, my worth and all my energy into "being an artist", "having success" or even "finding love". I will die, those things will be forgotten and they aren't nearly as important as how i'll spend my time after I die.

It's such a break through for me to think this way. Always wanted to be one of those cool Christians whom never talked about death, heaven or hell. I didn't want to stand firm to those who talked to me about Christianity making statements like, "I'm sick of Chrisitians talking about how they're living to die". I couldn't blame them. I never wanted to be that guy. LIFE yeah that's the cool stuff, just follow Jesus and you're life will be awesome! Aren't you interested? Well even at the young age of 23 I've come to realize that even some of the most devout believes can end up living lives that are far from awesome in the eyes of who don't know the Lord. Christians have their children killed, spouses divorce them, their money lost and some times suffer serious injury that effect them the rest of their lives. "hey I thought being a Christian exempted you from all of that? Why sign up if I still have to deal w/ the trials of life". Obviously there were holes in the follow Him and live the easy life sales pitch.

I'm beginning to stop lying to myself. I've accepted Jesus as my Lord a long time ago, I live every day of my life w/ this truth. I will die and that date is about as unknown as anything goes. Why am i afraid to embrace my gift of heaven? My purpose of living w/ my God? Could it be that i'm too attached to this rest stop of life? For what? This place can really suck! It's getting a lot easier to just let things go give it all to God and truly live for Him instead of putting all this energy into the flammable things of this world.

2 Corinthians 4:18

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I've got to be mindful of not only this world being temporary of the fact that I am representing my God in all that i do.

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Time:

7:33 pm.

.5/40.

Life is test and a trust. Seeing everyday, every moment and every choice I make as test and chance to please God is exciting! It's really helping my focus on God and flat out doing the right thing. I feel a lot less pressure from the temptations of situations when say to myself, "Ok I DO NOT have to do what I know I do not want to...this is a test this is only a test."

This whole life is a test! I'm not going to fail. One of my favourite moments in school was knowing that I was having a test that I was well prepared for. I pretty much sucked at school and always felt like the test were gear to make you a. feel stupid b. make you feel stupid. c. trick you into studying stuff that won't be on the test.

The bible and Life are not like that at all. All the answers are there for every problem that comes up. Life is an open book test and the Holy Spirit helps you CHEAT! HAHAHA I WIN!

There is nothing that I own that hasn't been given to me, nothing at all. I've never truly made anything from matter that I've created; everything comes from God. This applies to relationships, friendships, money and of course, artwork. I have been entrusted w/ these things and it's my responsibility to treat them w/ the utmost care and how I know will be most pleasing to God.

Luke 16:10

10"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

I'm constantly being tested at work especially my patience but seriously who cares. IT A TEST! God rewards me for doing what I know is right and commanded of me and it most always effects others in an obviously beneficial way. This is a test...this is only a test.

This whole art thing is nothing to fret about. God owns it he's taking care of it, I'm just using it.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:

5:54 pm.

.4/40.

There is more to life than just here and now. The other day I believe that I smiled for the first time because I have Heaven to look forward to. Being in ultimate completion w/ my creator. You take the joy you get from getting a few extra dollars a paycheck, your car fixed, a kiss, a great lunch or a new toy. Take the moments of happiness where your worries are gone and you desires are fulfilled...forever! That is heaven.

It's almost embarrassing to think about...to discuss because it seems childish. Literally beyond our dreams, it could be considered immature to ponder such things because part of maturity is learning to deal w/ not getting what you want. We have to suck it up when our desires and sometimes our needs are not met.

We should still deal w/ this matters appropriately but dealing w/ them should also include knowing they do not matter, will not make us really happy and in fact we need to set our standards even height, to perfection! This prefect life can never be obtained here on earth, we were made to live forever.

I love C.S. Lewis, his logic is so heartwarming that it can almost bring tears to your eyes having discovered some simple truth about life you've almost been ignoring until now. In, Reflections on the Psalms, Lewis writes:

'We are so little reconciled to time that we are even astonished at it. "How he's grown!" we exclaim, "How time flies!", as though the universal form of our experience were again and again a novelty. It is as strange as if a fish were repeatedly surprised at the wetness of water. And that would be strange indeed; unless of course the fish were destined, one day, to become a dry animal.

AWESOME! Our bodies and minds struggle w/ time passing. We weren't made for it and we don't like having to deal with it.

1 John 2:17

The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever

Most every choice i make has an effect on my eternity. This is a reality that I need not take for granted. I have nothing to fear in this world and that smile on my face that i get thinking of the wonders of heaven will be shown more often.

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Time:

7:15 am.

.3/40.

Living on purpose is the path to peace. I know I'm an artist but living to be an artist, as exciting at it maybe, has no fulfillment at all. I feel the most complete when helping my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Today it was kind of painful though. I know right now God has me on this path of reaching out to Christians my age. Rallying the troops if you will, other than that i just continuing to pray about it all. Gotta stay focused!

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you

Everyone knows me as an artist, it must be because that's what i want them to know me as, I'd rather known as a loving man of God.

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Time:

5:52 pm.

.2/40.

I am not an accident. It's always difficult to shape my day-to-day life about the "you were planned from the beginning of time" concept but what a beautiful fact it is. The first thing I think of is being an artist. I was born for this! HAHA it's awesome! It makes me feel like a perfect brush designed to make the perfect stroke of a painting.

I will struggle w/ a painting in one area, one little hair or reflection of bright color in the iris. It's such a tiny detail but I look over to my pallet mix up that right color and shape the tip of the brush just so w/ my finger tips and go in and make that tiniest detail that makes you smile right away. That one detail just made hours of work come together. I am one stroke of hundreds of thousands in the perfect painting. All done w/ confidence and understanding.

Isaiah 44:2
2 This is what the LORD says he who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you: Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.

I struggle to accept how dominant an attitude I have. I don't think it would call it an alpha male syndrome but it's very competitive in nature. It stems back from when my father and would struggle and fight. I was such a smart little kid hungry for knowledge when I little. I never got the slightest pat on the back for learning something new or wanting to pursue sciences. My parents weren't ones to notice this interest in me or provide the encouragement I needed. It all later switched to artwork when I realized I could promote myself w/ out their kudos.

That all sounds like psychobabble but it's a real issue I’m trying to get out of my life. God has created me the way that I am so this must be a part of me that has use.

My weight. I hate it. Actually I don't care I love looking the way I do I hate the way it pulls insecurities of girls and how black people at the movies wanna beat me up for it. Some how, SOME HOW this all fits into Gods plan.

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Time:

3:50 pm.

.1/40.

It's not about me. I'm kinda glad. They say that you hate the parts of others that you fear you have yourself. Selfish arrogance and blind defiance are my biggest pet peeves. When people refuse reprove or critisim or just have something negative to say about everything I flare up. I know this is because I've done this a lot and do it more often than i realize it. Knowing that my purpose in life is in no way centered around me is a great encouragement to change the one part about myself i that i dislike the most. It's also universally looked down upon, becoming less arrogant will only make you a more likable person and easier to be around.

Ironic how the first thing I thought of when placed under the charge, "it's not about me" is "ok how is this going to effect me". Ugh!

Colossians 1:16

For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.

What a great reminder that even I, human # 955b9444.8499b.9485l40.49lgj784.3948-48595.49584, am here for a reason. There is no reason for me to be "woe is me'ing" at nights alone or crying by my window sill on rainy days. No reason to be discouraged on failed attempts to pull in more clients or even when i share my faith. I am here for a purpose. God's purpose. My short comings and all the short comings of Mankind as a whole stand as a reminder or this. It's impossible to see what tomorrow will bring, that also stands as a reminder to myself that I can not control life. I have to look down at every step as i take them. I will know what the next step to take is as Jesus Christ shines a light onto my feet.

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Time:

3:03 pm.

You scored as Dracula. You are the smooth sexy cool Dracula. Patient and lustful. If you were any cooler youd be ice. Great style with a way of seducing those around you. And three brides who wouldn't want to be him.

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Dracula

100%

Marius

92%

Armand

83%

Lestat

83%

Spike

67%

Louis

67%

Akasha

50%

Angel

33%

Deacon Frost

25%

Blade

25%

Whose your Vampire personality? (images)
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