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Billy

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*Stretch...* [Dec. 7th, 2006|07:12 am]
[Current Location |The shadowy portion of someone's soul.]
[mood | refreshed]
[music |The Postal Service "This Place Is A Prison"]

Hmmmmm...I don't whether I'm to be relieved or comtemptuous. If I remember correctly, I was to be done away with. So...did he not have the cajones or strength-he was weak when he locked me in here and it appears that he took quite a battering awhile ago-or was it foresight, instinct, a most wise sense of self-preservation? *looks around* I think some of what I see. We appear to be imprisoned, albeit fairly comfortable....ah. He doesn't wish to leave. I see. Well, I'm good for more than just wanderin'. Much more. Perhaps I'm needed to set things right and proper?
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[Oct. 30th, 2004|12:32 am]
[mood | complacent]
[music |"There's No Home For You Here" The White Stripes]

...and so the Clans gathered as they must at cetain times. The tribes broke off into their own smaller conclaves, to share, to plan...and to deal with certain "legal" issues.

A small and scattered tribe found their place to gather....little to do but share their similarities, that which bound them: their love for some things, contempt for others, goals which were mostly dreams, questions of thier low numbers and their scattering across the lands. The issue of being a small and scattered tribe was important to some-as their fear and hatred of some of the other tribes was so strong- but merely academic to others as they took such pride in their uniqueness.

There was a most serious matter to be dealt with however... One had to be called forward. One who held rank but was undisciplined, had become unstable, who had never taken his proper place, had failed and was...dangerous.

Judges and the few warriors of the tribe encircled him. "What name and form have you taken?" they asked (they knew of course, but protocol is protocol)

"I am Wanderinbilly." he replied

"Do you know your place among the tribe?" they asked.

"I was a companion to those greater than myself. I servee them, supported them, and learned from them. That has been been my duty and it is a privilege to be the companion to heroes." was his reply.

"What now!?" One asked quietly...and dangerously. "Have you been given no choices? Shaman,warrior, scholar, statesman,...chief? Which did you choose?"

Without fear he replied "I chose to take up a crown, a sword, and raise the war banner of the tribe." cutting off his inquisitors' next question he flatly stated. "I fled before my...our enemies, I misused our allies...I shamed my queen." With that he prostrated himself looking up at none..none.. of the tribe..

All were silent.

"Are you well now?" asked a judge "You have been provided with several hiding places in which to heal and now you have a fortress both to shelter in and sally forth from...are you well?"

"I am well. For I must be well. I must be well. I have purpose, I have meaning, I am mighty, I am well.." he murmurred into the dirt.

Many hands seized him so that the Soul which had formed him, which inhabited him and gave this particular persona life, that which controlled him (as much as it could), could confront him.

"You are not well! Already distractions weaken you, you forget the most simple of missions-you have become an object of pity of some...and a toy of others. Others have the right to their toys, again I say the right, but you...we musn't be one! You are weak still, you will-probably ARE-being attacked even now and likely cannot defend yourself let alone counterattack...

You are more than weak, you are broken.

And who and or what will you strike against? You are weak...and yet so much more dangerous than any incarnation of me. I of course continue on for the span of time allowed me this particular existence...you...?" Wanderinbilly was thrown back down to the ground and William Douglas Alexander Martin looked to the judges. "Well?"

Used to his melodrama and passions, they remained passive and contemplated for just a little while. As one judges and all members of the tribe spoke with a single voice possessed by the spirit of what defined, bound, and strengthened them, this small and scattered tribe.

"This ulitmately was of your doing, William, and the pain and shame brought to this tribe-as well as the nobility of yet another larger and more powerful tribe-resulted from your choices. You have been defeated against enemies that you should have overcome. You have left the service of your queen. You were charged with protecting her and strengthening her and you betrayed her. Our tribe has few queens and you were granted one of those-we are disappointed and ashamed.

You. You of questionable determination were granted a Queen of this tribe and yet you slandered, wounded, and shamed her. A princess of another tribe came to fight beside you...you have insulted their tribe as well.

This cannot be ignored. You have weakened the tribe-perhaps made it smaller and scattered more.

Our enemies remain...perhaps made stronger.

The verdict is GUILTY and punishment will be meted out, and swiftly.

Let us see if your madness has passed, if your judgement has improved...let us protect ourselves by sending you away from us.

William, you go to exile. Be exiled and do not wallow, grow strong, take your proper place in the tribe and accept it. Stay away from us for you are dangerous and we fear for ourselves-as well as you. It is obvious that the wounds you create upon those you love are revisited upon you-so as you harm your allies through your..weakness, insanity, whatever makes you act this way you shall harm yourself and we don't know if you can survive these wounds. You must change, you must pick a new captain of your guard, and maintain more control over avatar in this world. Go into exile. Heal, learn, and be punished for your crimes. Heal and come back to us for you are needed and have your place.

This vessel & persona, you have created, however, this "Wanderinbilly."

It dies."

So decreed the powers of a small and scattered tribe.
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Soon. [Oct. 30th, 2004|12:22 am]
Soon this journal will be truly dead, yet preserved.

I am sorry that I ran away-no, when I say I'm sorry I mean it. It's too hard to explain right now. It was nothing traumatic or life threatening; just some stuff happened that inspired an epiphany. Said epiphany triggered my "fight or flight" response and, as there there was no one to fight, I ran.

I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. I've finally found some strength and determination and I hoarded it to myself, deciding that there was too little to share. Ah well.

Be well.
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Oops Ya Caught Me. [Sep. 28th, 2004|12:14 pm]
I'm deleting this journal. I have to pop in now and again and grab stuff off of it...delete some entries..just in case I keep it etc.

If I'm here it's not because I'm here to chat.

Nothing personal.
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All Is Well [Sep. 26th, 2004|10:21 pm]
[mood | thankful]

Good Morning All!

It's 10:30 pm, I'm about to crash but I thought I'd leave a Good Morning! post for everyone. Everyone on my friends list has shown kindness to me at some point and you're all so very fascinating. Indeed I am a fortunate man.

No, really, I'm lucky to have every one of you.

Now, some folks have expressed worries about me just because it's a transitional phase of life times can get a bit rough on this end. *shrug* Happens to everyone imo. There'll likely be future worries. Nah. I'm a lucky guy w/ decent talents, resources, health (both physical and mental good be better but also a HELL of a lot worse!) so yeesh, I hope that some folks just relax.

So, now everyone have an excellent day, week, and life in general! Damn it.
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Love These People. Stuffs. Things I've Learned. [Sep. 26th, 2004|12:00 am]
[mood | indescribable]
[music |Beck]

Thanks you xxx_x for whipping up some GREAT prototype banners for the web site...and again for being there yesterday. Did I even mention that when I got that shitty job news that she was "virtually" there? I mean, it was literally:

"Um, sweetie..there's an email from the employer."
"Well, go open it. I'll be right here." Gah. Paraphrased. Ah well. Bitching about distance aside, I admit that folks CAN help from 1000 miles away...as well hurt of course-on to:

Thank you [info]lumo for wondefully long and insightful missives about life and love/lust/distraction/age etc. I can't answer them fully and I Need to! I owe you a lot of support too. You'll get it. :)

Thank you [info]badgerbader for inspiring me to get Sid M's Colonization, a game from 1994 running on my XP machine. Amazing. You are truly amazing and obviously have your uses...

Oh, Important!!! Farscape Miniseries October 17th Wooooohoooooo! Oh yeah. <--so happy. Sci-Fi Wednesdays may be a good escape for me-they're going to have a ghost hunting show!

Learned things:

"The Forgotten" is way overhyped. It's a substandard "X-Files" episode. We had heard that there was some kind of "Sixth Sense" secret so you should see it early. Um. No. Not a poorly made movie, though, and the actors are excellent imo. I gave it a B-.

It sucks shopping for business shirts, shoes, and suits for the first time without your partner of 10 years. *sigh* It's not that it's just more difficult, it's lonely.

Had a big sister w/ me though who at least has enough sense (she's a lab worker not an office worker) to say-put that third world piece of shit blazer back! Yeah, it makes your shoulders broad and mighty but...put. it. back. now. It's just...wrong. K. :)

HEY! I really gotta do some modeling for y'all and get opinions-latest Monday although I should be taking picks tomorrow.

I do not REALLY know where Bruce Lee is buried but I'm working on it.

I'm really sick as shit, unto death, almost beyond tolerance, of developing strong affections on LJ for people that are far away. I say no more, and some must be retroactive....
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That Was Fun.. [Sep. 24th, 2004|11:34 pm]
'Twas a good evening at the Wingdome. We are spoiled. They know my sis and her wife (and how our family tips) and so treat us well.

One waitress doesn't even ask-she immediately plops down a large water in front of me right when I sit down. ...I did ask her if this because I got sloppy one night but she said "Nah, You drink a lot of water w/ your beer." Cute waitress too-both waitresses are cute to be quite honest...yeah like I don't enough problems.

The dyke posse (and they loved the term "Dyke Posse) was very nice-two of them have adopted a little Chinese girl who simply is the most adorable creature in the world. Much beer was consumed and my big sister raised her concern about my drinking...never mind that she can keep up with me. *eye roll*

It's been decided that we should go see "The Forgotten" before we see "Sky King" because there's some kind of "Sixth Sense" type secret and we don't want to find out prematurely.

I needed a fun evening out w/ 3D people-I get very jealous sometimes when I read of everyone else's outings. Still...I'm happy to come hope and find comments from some special people.... :)
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Didn't Get the Job. Going Out. [Sep. 24th, 2004|05:06 pm]
[mood | disappointed]

Well, I didn't get the yachtbrokerage job. I thanked them for letting me know, hoped that I'd be considered a suitable replacement if something came up, and asked for any interview critiques.

I'm going to The Wingdome w/ my dyke posse. I took various pictures of myself-plaid over micro brew shirt, green mock turtleneck and, black mock turtleneck all wearing an earing and trying to smile.

I was going to ask how I look from you ladies (and John) but...so far I look like shit in all of them so never mind.

It will nice to be around 3D people-although I love y'all.

I'm fine. Be well.
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Pity Party Hangover... [Sep. 24th, 2004|10:19 am]
[mood | determined]
[music |Somewhere (Devo's cover)]

Awright. Bizarre ass pity party over. (My ballons were purple btw) I think I've broken out of an obsessive cycle-...umm...was broken out of it by folks who just let me babble and inserted the occasional wise thing.

Sat at my desk last night, drinking wine, listening to music, chatting, and emailing. So far everyone is still talking to me so I guess that was ok. Bounced out of bed at 5 am to delete some drunken posts...so THAT was good. :P

Just a little wine drained right now...got a big list of stuff to do...MUST find time to game. :(

There's gotta be a lot of stuff done today. Somehow the day keeps sneaking away from me.

I haven't heard from the job that I interviewed for. I was told that I'd find out earlier this week. I wrote them Wednesday asking "Hey, so any decision on that?" I mean, JFC, with only three candidates can't you let all three know the decision including the two losers!?

Whatever. I guess there's still a chance, but I'm working on the assumption that there's none. I have SO many resources at my disposal and I'm using them today. I. Want. A. Job. So. Badly.

I haven't worked on EBAY or Website stuff lately at all and THAT's gotta change. So, I simply MUST be Super Billy toay.
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Such a Day On Lj.... [Sep. 23rd, 2004|08:39 pm]
Thank you to those who listened to me today-um, I got a LOT of people's time today. Poor lil_sass prolly got the brunt. I mean, I don't see the poor woman for like a month and then I dump on her. Does she complain? Nah. She Helps. That's who she is. sedona_red was as always there for me (Oh geez, what's his damage THIS time?). [info]playnejayne2002 came a'runnin to see what the problem was...the poor thing. Hey, I mean, was I wrong to hit on her? Have you seen her? I can't be faulted. ;)

Arg....I was supposed to be helping out my precious Stella [info]lumo but at least we talked about US/Canada politics in a rational tone. I'll catch up to her tomorrow and see if I can make her feel better. I love my Stellalumo. Oh poor [info]badgerbadger, yeeesh, what SHE had to do deal with today! I mean giving comfort and plotting my destruction at the same time, it must be exhausting. ;) Um. You weren't supposed to be THAT engaging and fascinating... Very enjoyable...and a fine bullseye for fate.

Finally. Thank you xxx_x. Would I even BE here but for you? Truly, you are my heroine and rolemodel. I am blessed/cursed w/ being a companion to heroes and to be allowed in your particular company may be the high point in my life.
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Ride or Date to Twisted Flicks In Seattle? [Sep. 23rd, 2004|08:19 pm]
Hey, I want to go see [info]the_missy in a production of "Twisted Flicks" on the weekend http://www.jetcityimprov.com/twistedflicks/ . Now the bus system is wonderful...anyone want to go and w/ me/give me a ride? Nice platonic date? (Speciallly you guys...although w/ the right lighting..a little wine)

If no one else goes, I prolly still will-sounds fun and I GOTTA meet Missy (and assumedly [info]destructo )
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Pray For Me... [Sep. 22nd, 2004|04:21 pm]
[mood | determined]
[music |3 Doors Down]

Ok...I'm going to try to reproduce my Eggplant Cannoli in a different kitchen w/ different ingredients. Pray for me.
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Hey Guys... [Sep. 22nd, 2004|01:13 pm]
[mood | mellow]
[music |"If You Could You Read My Mind" (arrrgg enough already!)]

I asked some of you for advice recently...and you gave it to me. Wow. THAT was a popular post. :-\ I think that there was a lot of wisdom in there, and I appreciate that you'd even take the time to respond.

Now, I don't know that I like the majority opinion, and am still pondering all of it...so we'll just have to see.

*Sigh* I share my deep political & philosophical wisdom and you can hear the crickets chirp. Ask about LJ ettiquette and I the world trembles w/ the response. :P

Now, I hope this doesn't come off as trite and "generic."

So many of you are going through some really rough times; rougher than mine by far. Just know that I'm reading this stuff, and thinking about you. There's debate, of course, about what "positive energy, prayers, and positive thoughts" actually accomplish...but it's all I got for ya, and I think it works.

Be well all, I hope that your troubled times end soon, you atttain what you desire, and, for those of you who are doing just dandy thank you very much, I hope that continues.
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I Still Believe in Soulmates For What Good That Does [Sep. 19th, 2004|09:25 pm]
[mood | blank]
[music |"If You Could Read My Mind" Gordon Lightfoot]

I haven't emailed or spoken to my estranged wife in a week. I looked at my watch this evening and saw that she'd be going to bed soon (PST vs CST) and so called to say goodnight.

No joy at hearing at my voice. No annoyance either...not enough to leave the bounds of civility anyway. We related some events of the week, wished each other well at our endeavors and said good night. No "I miss you." No "I love you."

I looked at the telephone and the conversation took 11 minutes and change.

10 years together, 6 cities, 4 states, an ocean of tears wept together, enough laughter together which collected would muffle a volcano, dreams and plans to fill several lifetimes, comfortable silences together communicating more than a million contemptible drones' endless chatter.

Now boiled down to 11, uncomfortable and apparently unwelcome minutes.

We think so very, very much alike, can convey volumes to each other with a mere cock of an eyebrow, fell in love at first sight. We have equal contempt for much of society along w/ appreciation and gratitude for the society and families into which we were born.

We felt sorry for other couples; we were much happier from what we heard from them. In fact, when we split several, several individuals proclaimed that because of that they no longer believed in love and marriage.

I resented that. We were just trying to build a life, we weren't trying to be any kind of fucking role models. Still...11 minutes.

LJs are diaries for some us, at least part time diaries and I'm just writing down a journal entry. I do not desire hugs. I do not desire well wishes. I do not desire advice. I do not desire discussion of what soul mates are.

I know what one is and really could care less of others' interpretations of the term.

I know what one is.

I know that you can hurt yours (or "a" if indeed you may have more than one during a turn of the wheel) I know that you can lose them. I know that you can chase them away. I know that you lose a piece of yourself and they theirs and it's not replaced...maybe scarred over someday...mostly forgotten..but not right away

I know now that it can take 11 minutes to figure that out...possibly finally.

Again, no hugs, no recriminations, no advices, no pity, save your love for someone who can feel it. Just think.

Just think.
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Saturday Night And I Aint Got Nobody... [Sep. 18th, 2004|05:32 pm]
[mood | lonely]
[music |The White Stripes "Offend in Every Way"]

What a discombobulated day. Had to back to be bed at 7am...loony dogs kept waking up up. Sis in law's family came over; her parents are friendly but her little sister wasn't and her teenage nieces sure had sticks up their asses. *shrug*

I have the house to my self tonight as the ladies are going out to my sis-in-law's HS reunion. This should be interesting...I mean, bring your same sex partner to your renunion is gutsy.

So..for tonight...I will game a wee bit I guess-likely just one major battle maybe two; I've almost won the game.

AND we went and exchanged 28 Days for 28 days later. *sigh* So I have entertainment lined up.

Ludicrous that I'm alone on a Saturday night w/ a movie, a hot tub, and six pack. Whatever.

Then again, the vast majority of folks I'd want over (certainly not all!!!) are far away...in Nebraska, Texas, Portland, Chicago, etc.

ALTHOUGH....an LJ buddy might be coming up Tuesday from Portland. to go check out stuff, i.e. the EMP and maybe the Sci Fi museum. WoooHoooo!

And. yet again. I shall attempt to meet a seattlite downtown for a couple brewskis! Jesus, you'd think we were trying to find the source of the Nile...
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Grumble Grumble [Sep. 18th, 2004|10:49 am]
[mood | groggy]
[music |3 Doors Down "Kryptonite"]

Ug. A bit hung over. Sorry to those that got weird messages or emails last night...I don't usually get drunk. Now, I drink...but 5 pints + on a not quite filled enough tummy got me drunk.

I have fun drinking w/ my big sis. I dunno if it's fun for other people around us though... I mean we tend to eventually start to examine and deconstruct our family; we are obsessed w/ our family it seems.

Then again, this sister has lived away from kin for 20 years tucked away in Seattle.

She's also the last one to have spent time w/ me as a sibling as we were growing up. She's the second youngest at 11 years older than me, there are three above her. The 4 of them are spaced 2 years apart.

Anyway she's always seemed to maintained a very worried interest in me...although it didn't come up and she didn't say it, it's quite obvious I have not lived up my potential or the examples set by my immediate family nor by my ancestors.

She's always blamed herself in her mind for going away to college when I was nine-leaving me to a broken household headed by a Mother who was functionally...but she had emotional and mental problems. I of course do not blame her-that's ludicrous.

However. She made the interesting observation that she wasn't the only one that left when I was nine. My big brother moved out-he was 24 and had completed his degree (Man he saved a lot on rent), and was already climbing the ranks of the Title Insurance industry in Santa Barbara-He's not THE big shot now...but soon...

My Dad left too. So, big sister, big brother, and Dad all left. Leaving me and mycrazy (may her sainted and beloved soul rest in peace) alone. (the other two sibs were long gone)

Somehow this must've shaped me...but the only way I think it has is that I'm used to people going away. It has allowed me to move around the country and not been overly concerned about not seeing people for years at a time....

What else has it done to me? *shrug*

I hope to have more interesting posts later over the day....
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That Won't Be The Only Scandal [Sep. 16th, 2004|03:23 pm]
[mood | crazy]
[music |ticking of watches and clocks...]

Well, let's face it, Alex will prolly be running the place. I mean, I've totally scored w/ my First Lady but that's a pretty hot staff I've got workin' for me. Heh heh heh...

I really resent the taping of my conversations w/ the voices in my head. Um. Excuse me? What about Executive Privilege!? That stuff's private man-especially since that's how I'll be formulating foreign policy. Watch your ass Belgium!!! We're on to your nefarious schemes and god knows we'll have the element of surprise when we strike.. Heh.

Your Political Career by amitiel
Username
Political Party
Date of Election:July 11, 2022
Your Vice President:alexmizell
First Lady:sweaty_betty
Attorney General:badgerbadger
Secretary of State:glittergirllie
Chief of Staff:monkeynme
Intern:lil_sass
Scandal:You are taped unknowingly while talking to the voices in your head.
Americans will...have no opinion about you for or against.
Chance for Re-election:: 55%
Quiz created with MemeGen!
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Grumblemuffins [Sep. 16th, 2004|07:50 am]
[mood | determined]
[music |"Somewhere" (Devo cover & sappy version overplayed on TV)]

"Grumblemuffins" a wonderful term that I learned from a wonderful person. Fitting today.

The website was pimpled...I mean pimped-I decided to leave that typo as it's kind of amusing. :) *ahem* The website was pimped last night on various communities... Um. No, I did not test the shopping cart system. *smacks forehead*

It's a good lesson for me for now I have much to do...I've spotted the problem but my first "fix" resulted in a messed up web page-GAH!!!!!!

So...hopefully I'll get the rest figured out properly or I'll have a messed up website AND an enraged webmistress once she wakes up. But I must do *something.*

The last of the Ramones is dead!? That's weird. I mean, not shocking-although it's been cancer that took them out generally.

How weird that I have to worry about my hurricane Ivan hitting the freakin' mountain town I used to live in. Now...my sister and bro-in-law should be safe on top of their mountain...Hmmm...there is a ridgeline above them..gah..Anyway-if this thing stalls over Western North Carolina I don't see them having a driveway once it's done.

The driveway is .7 miles long as the crow flies and is in bad shape anyway. The area has been told to expect "catastrophic flooding." Bummer.

K. On to the day. RAWR!
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Hoo Boy This Must Be Short... [Sep. 15th, 2004|09:12 am]
[music |The White Stripes "Hardest Button to Button"]

Runnin Late but I've had a FUN morning! Love to Nebraska!!! No, I know that y'all didn't have tornados but that stuff looked nasty on radar. :(

May the gods grant me the wisdom and strength of character not to whine about being lonely and sad. I mean, that is not only unbecoming but just plain goddamned ungrateful; terribly ungrateful.

I've always been blessed w/ quality friends, family, and acquaintances (yes, quality damn it) that give a good goddamn about me and show it constantly. I pay the universe back by whining. Lovely.

Here's to a healthier sense of appreciation, stronger determination to take advantage of the talents and opportunities afforded to me, and much clearer expression of my appreciation for those I've been blessed with.

Now, on to the day. Tally Ho and all that crap!

Eh, I hope this isn't overdone but I like the "Desiderata." I find it very comforting and do not consider it trite...although I resent having to listen to "dull and ignorant stories" ;)...It is also long so behind a cut it goes.

Read more... )
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That Day Ended Wellish... [Sep. 14th, 2004|08:11 pm]
[mood | mellow]
[music |Surf Music (Thanks Puck!)]

Yikes. I had rescue parties out after me after my last mildly melodramatic post. :| Be warned though, I'm determined to get that whole "iambic pentameter" and whoa baby it's gonna get pretentious.

Thanks to Jenn and Renee for hunting me down-nah, I won't give their LJ names, if ya don't know 'em ya don't know 'em. :) Much appreciated guys-I needed a long talk w/ someone and needed to hear a voice and I got both.

I also needed someone to come over and entertain two crazy black labs and that didn't happen, but oh well. **checks the weather.com radar to see if Taryn will be IMing..** OH GOOD GOD! **makes note to go pray for Taryn** ;)

I didn't go for a walk 'cause I was smart enough to check the radar HERE and saw that rain was sneakin' up on me so I played w/ the insane dogs in the yard. THEY MUST GET TO A PARK TOMORROW!!!

And hooooboy, tomorrow has to be more productive-I'm makin' appointments for two temp agencies tomorrow; Molly Brown and Kelly for Thurs and Friday.

Hope that I can get together w/ some Seattlites soon. :( Yeah, I wish I could hang w/ Texans, Nebraskans, Chicagoans too but, well... (Hm. There ARE Portlanders though...;) )
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