waituntil3

So, here I am in my new residence. It's actually not as bad as I feared. The dorm layout is a little confusing and while I expected to have a roommate, I didn't expect to have five of them! That's how it is though: each "suite" has four bedrooms, two which are double occupancy and two which are singles; one bathroom with two shower units and two stalls; a living room/sitting room "study area" where you're allowed to have guests (no one but parents allowed in bedrooms). Since I registered late I don't have the option of being in a single. I share with a girl named Tawney. It's a little awkward because she's nineteen and although she seems nice she's sort of downtrodden and depressive. She dropped out of high school senior year to have a baby. Now the baby lives with her boyfriend's parents and those parents won't let her live at their house in the fall unless she gets a job or goes to school, so she needs to earn her diploma or GED so she can work. We talked a little last night and she showed me pictures of her son but I didn't hang out with her after dinner because all she could talk about was how bad she wanted to smoke and it was boring. There hasn't been time to meet the other girls in my suite yet, aside from a minute or so yesterday. Elizabeth and Julia share the other double room, and the singles belong to Callisa and Shelby. Julia and Shelby seem okay, and we're all the same age, but I don't know about the others yet.

I've hardly seen the other girls at all today. None of them have similar work assignments except Tawney, but I didn't see her all day either because we work in different rooms. She requested to work with infants and toddlers at the orientation this morning and I asked for the older kids so I'm with the elementary school-aged group. It was exhausting and tomorrow will be harder, because at least today I spent all morning at orientation watching a training video and reading a booklet, and didn't have to start until lunch. I don't know why anyone would choose to work with little kids. There was a constant din of screaming and yelling, no one was silent for even a second, and it was really chaotic, more like a zoo than anything. My job today was to just observe, although I had to help out a couple times picking up stuff. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow. The schedule is constantly packed and there is almost no time to even breathe until evening, like now. The schedule for everyone in this suite is morning classes/afternoon work, like this...

6:00 - 6:30 wake up
6:30 - 7:00 breakfast
7:00 - 7:30 free time or advisor check in (meet with advisor twice a week)
7:30 - 8:30 job skills course (Child Care and Early Education)
8:30 - 9:30 academic class one (AP Freshman English)
9:30 - 10:30 academic class two (no idea yet)
10:30 - 11:30 academic class three (no idea yet)
11:30 - 12:00 lunch break
12:00 - 3:30 work assignment
3:30 - 4:00 break time or advisor check in
4:00 - 5:00 dorm check-in and in-room free time (can't leave your floor)
5:00 - 6:30 free time (you can check out if you have privileges which I don't yet)
6:30 - 7:00 dinner
7:00 - 8:00 quiet study hour/free time
8:00 - 8:30 meeting (once a week)
8:30 - 10:30 free time
10:30 dorm check-in if you checked out
10:30 - 11:00 in-room free time and room checks
11:00 lights out

Once you earn check out privileges you can check out twice a week maximum. You can't ever leave alone so what you do is there's a group of everyone checking out that day plus the advisors that are assigned for that night, and they do a quick vote to decide what the activity will be, where the group will eat and what shop they will go to since your checkout day is also your day to buy anything you need. If you go out with the group they usually stop at a store, pick something to do like a movie or bowling, and eat in a restaurant. Sometimes to a teacher might take a whole class someplace or everyone from the same work assignment might go together with supervisors, which is also allowed. We just can't leave alone. Until you earn privileges only your parents can check you out and it's just once a week, but you earn privileges really easy. After two weeks it's automatic and after than you gain/earn weekly based on grades and behavior, so you have a chance to regain privileges every week if you lose them. If you can't check out you can go to: the cafeteria on the first floor, or to a study/computer room, or the commons where there is a tv and a vending machine, or to the sitting area of someone else's suite, but that's it. You can't just go anywhere, it's all this system of checking out and showing your little card, and then if you go with a group or your parents you need a wristband to get back into the dorm to verify you were with the right people, or else it's trouble.

Mostly, it's fair. We aren't allowed to have a tv in the room but there is one in the common area. We can have radios and mp3 players as long as we use headphones. Everyone is allowed to keep groceries in the fridge and counter area in the shared sitting room of the suite, so that's cool. The only thing I don't like is the room check. We aren't allowed to have: cigarettes, alcohol, medicine, drugs, porn, weapons, all the usual stuff, and they go through the drawers and closet looking for it which is rude. We also aren't allowed to have anything caffeinated in the rooms which makes no sense at all, but they do have the vending machine and cafeteria so you can get coffee or cokes there until 10:30. I think I'll like it except for my work assignment. Maybe even that will be better tomorrow.

Decided to use the lj community prompt_a_day as a source of inspiration for drabbles and ficlets. Here is the first one. It hasn't been read by a beta so all mistakes are my own.
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( read it )

Things I've done today:

1. Started a diet journal at 3fatchicks.com (it's here: http://3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/meltykiss/) in order to keep track of what I eat and what my weight is when I start my diet on Monday. I might make the occasional comment about that sort of thing here but I don't want to get all boring and write long, tortuous posts about fruit salad and two pound losses.

2. Got into a HUGE fight with my father this morning, once I finally woke up (around 2pm, after he made me get up). He called me into the kitchen and I guess I looked despondent and tired so he started asking what was wrong...and all my guilt over stuff I told my sister came up and I started crying and saying I was worthless...and then I started screaming at him to leave me alone and a bunch of other problems came to light and -- bleh. I realized he really can't help me and that there are so many things in my past that I've tried to outwit and ignore and just can't anymore.

3. Made up with my father. He wants me to go to a therapist. I said I'd go so we wouldn't have to fight about it anymore. Who knows, it might help; I rather doubt it though.

4. Made up with my sister, who actually defended me in my argument with my father and seemed to understand it, which would make sense since she's usually the one fighting with them and getting mad and storming away. We had a bunch of talks about things and disclosed a lot to each other and seem on really good terms now, although I'm still a bit sad about some of the stuff she told me. She seems more human to me now. That sounds odd because I can't describe it right, just -- I've always viewed her stereotypically, as good versus bad or in stricter terms, and not viewed her as someone with true depth. I've learned better.

5. Went to the movies, saw "Pirate of the Caribbean: At World's End" for the second time (love it!) and ate theatre popcorn, the bane of my existence (so tempting!). Johnny Depp is just so gorgeous. I think Keira Knightley might be my favorite actress now. Went with Nikolja so that was good.

6. Watched "Pan's Labyrinth" at the drive-in theatre, sans popcorn. I really, really liked it. It reminded me of some other movies I really enjoy, like a mix of "The Fountain", "Narnia" and "LoTR". Lots of fantasy but believable fantasy, the type I can get into and not be left skeptical at the end.

7. Came to the realization that I really don't like the majority of my friends. A lot of them are the type of people who seem to lead very eccentric, interesting lives but who are actually rather boring once I hang around them, like the people at the clubs. I get a spark of excitement when I first lay eyes on them again because it's like an invitation to a new, more sophisticated world, but then it turns into childish drama and puking in the bathroom; drugs and a complete breakdown of any relationship or friendship bond. Usually by the end of the night or the next day I wish I hadn't wasted my time. The other people I know can be really nice and sweet and fun but it feels like we're all talked out and need some distance in order to have anything to say.

The more I think about this WFI/LJ thing, the more disgusted I get. Journals are an intensely personal area where free expression should be completely unlimited. What better place to record those illicit fantasies, to jot down notes and stories pertaining to kinks or to admit dangerous truths about your own experiences that may have been hidden for years? To censor what an individual writes in his or her journal is just...insane. The same goes for the communities. There are private places where individuals could discuss similar interests, experiences and desires, a place where people could find acceptance and relief from feeling alone. In my view, you should be able to talk about anything. If you talk about a subject, explore it, investigate your feelings about it, you're dealing with it in a healthy way. I really do see WFI's attempt to shut such places down as an illegal violation of rights and privacy, as well as a destructive, pathetic attempt to control values and force conformity to a narrow set of norms. Haven't those people got anything better to do....?? The one good thing is that this has really inspired me to start posting stuff that I write and to spend more time in the 'subversive' communities I enjoy.

Life....is exceedingly boring. I slept in until about an hour ago. There's no place to go. I walked around town some yesterday just to have something to do, but aside from stopping into the little soda shop for a chocolate soda, it was dull. There are graduation ceremonies going on all over the place lately; advertisements for all the different parties up on billboards and placards, ads for catering and cakes and whatever in windows. I'm jealous. I wish I was having a great big party and an elaborate ceremony, getting lots of money and having people bring gifts and flowers. I want that ticket into a new life. My mother has assured me that when I do graduate I'll get all of that but I want it now. I want to make some fantastic leap and have a new life. Lately, I've desperately contemplated running away.

Just a comment on all this 'Warriors For Innocence' stuff....OMFG, when will people learn that censorship is not an effective tool for dealing with the troubling issues of the day? Wanting to protect people from violent sexual crime is great, and I do think people who deliberately seek out and abuse others should be punished, but encouraging a journaling community to disband communities that discuss issues like rape recovery and child abuse survival, and trying to ban places where FICTION authors write IMAGINARY stories about book and movie characters is just plain idiotic. There is no harm whatsoever in people writing about how Black and Lupin get it on, or contemplating naked Ginny Weasley art or even discussing semi-real life fantasy about rape, abduction or molestation. Crime should be prosecuted, not thought. When you attempt to limit thought you destroy the outlet fantasy provides and you can provoke someone to actually commit the stuff they formerly were content to simply speculate on. If people on LJ want to sit around talking about sexy schoolgirls and crushes on children, fine. As long as they are not doing the stuff, just talking about it, it's legal and has a place within the journal community. If people on LJ want to write stories involving age differences in relationships using fictional characters, find. It doesn't hurt anyone. Groups like Warriors for Innocence should devote their time, money and energy into education programs and other deterrents to crime, not thought control.

So pointless, really.

I am pathetically, unendingly exhausted from arguing with my sister. We've gotten on rather well lately; I guess I believed that the time for hair-pulling, name calling and major floods of tears was behind us, but it was not to be. After getting along great the last few outings, today she stormed in and picked up one of my old books from school, read a page, casually tossed it down again and then proceeded to inform me I knew nothing, was in denial about my opinions about subjects, hadn't studied the subjects I took this year and basically was an idiot unworthy of licking her boots. For like -- nothing. Completely out of the blue, without any kind of prompting or minor argument to cause it. Just..."fuck you, you're stupid, let me make you feel worthless".

The worst part was it wasn't just the academic argument. It got completely out of hand. I had no way to answer because whatever I said, she twisted and turned against me. If I said something in agreement she accused me of secretly disagreeing and somehow being too weak to know what I was doing. Tempers got so hot, and I said a lot of long-harbored angry stuff I didn't really mean, plus lots of ancient, pent up frustrations that aren't relevant. Every time I suggested she just drop it she claimed I was too immature to talk like an adult and was pathetic, so I screamed at her and just flung a lot of guilt and basically feel loathsome for it. Now my face feels hot and dry, stung from tears and sort of acid burnt. We had dinner as a family and sort of got through it by ignoring each other but there is still a lot of tension and misery and I don't know how to cope.

I don't think I've mentioned it on here before, but I start my new Student Personal and Professional Development Program on Monday; actually I check in Sunday afternoon to my housing placement. It's a combination of AP summer school (makeup courses for anything you missed during the year plus a chance to finish a semester early or take college courses senior year), job training, life skills and work. Since I'm signing up so late I'm stuck in a program I don't really want; child care, working in a daycare center, but it's ok. It'll be something for a resume, plus I'll be taking five courses starting the second week after orientation. Sounds good. I won't live with my parents anyway, they give us a room in a dormitory since the college kids are all out of town. I'll just go home on weekends or perhaps to relatives' houses. Blah. I'm not terribly excited but somewhat.

Nothing else special. I feel kinda sad and lost at the moment.

I never thought I would say this before, but I really hate not being able to go to school.

Previously, if you had told me I'd have an extra month off of school, I'd be thrilled. This is nothing like vacation though. It's more like being left behind somehow, abandoned, quarentined. Every morning, I wake up to the sound of Kiya's alarm. It's inevitable; we share the large bedroom now, and even if I were to sleep through the sound of the sudden music I'd hear the toilet flush, the water run, the screech of the dresser drawers. Most mornings I wake up with this indescribable excitement in my stomach making it impossible to eat. I jump up and go to the closet for my uniform, thinking I'm heading back for those first morning fogged moments. Then, when I touch the pressed blouse, I realize, I'm not going back. I made spirit squad, but I'm not going back. I even qualify for the extra drama classes, but I'm not going back. Every morning I realize that and it makes me sick. I wait on the bed, in pajamas, watching Kiya blow dry her hair and jabber about an annoying teacher, a stupid test. Sometimes I just want to slap her for that. I'd give anything to go to school, any school.

It has been decided, as if by higher authority, that I'm neither going back to finish out the year at C., nor going to Kiya's school for the rest of the year. My parents and hers think it will be 'too traumatic' to start back to school so soon, at a new place where I don't know anybody except Kiya, especially when there are only a couple of weeks left. Instead, I'm getting my schoolwork mailed in packets. They'll mail me a new packet on Friday and I'll mail it back the following Friday. I have my first packet, got it on Thursday from my mom, and the second one will be here on Monday I think. I have all my books here, so I can study, but it is absolutely not the same. I don't know yet what will happen in the fall.

The days have fallen into a kind of rhythm, although of course the weekend is different. There is a defined schedule to the weekdays. I wake up with Kiya until she leaves, then languish a while, taking a long time over my shower and listening to the radio talk show until I'm bored of it. I usually start my homework around 9:30 and am done by 11am at the latest. Without the lectures it goes by quicker. I was told I might get lecture cds and links to power points but so far it's just printouts, so it's quick. Nothing from D'Hane, aside from a handout of breathing exercizes for voice projection. Nothing was written on it, not even my name, so I'm not sure about that. Did they say something after all? Was he fired? Is he angry with me? Was it someone else, a sub, who sent the handout? No idea.

Usually after studying I'll bring a non-school book and go to the coffee shop down the street. Generally it's quiet and unobtrusive, though I've gotten to know a handful of people on an acquaintance level, not by name. One guy talked to me about a Vonnegut book I was reading and took me to lunch at a little fish and chip pub a few blocks away, but otherwise, I've hardly seen anyone. A couple of friends have called, notably Tristan and Micah, but also Lyndsey and some other people. I want to spend some time with them but the Oberon's have decided not quite yet. That's frustrating. In the afternoons, I usually just watch a movie or go for a walk, sit in the park if it's not raining. Then Kiya comes home and we go somewhere, to the mall or the theatre, once to Josh's for a momentary visit. It's interesting when Kiya's here, but otherwise impossible. I actually put on my uniform Friday, for nostalgia, and walked around town in it, just wanting to feel part of everything I'm missing.

The only bit of good news is, I'm still allowed to get a job for the summer, although I'll probably still live here, and that will be a way to meet people and get away from the house a while. More on that later.

Ugh, it's been a rough few days.

The weekend started out fantastic. I saw Kiya and had a date with Tristan, which I hadn't even planned on, but which went very well although I was nervous at the time. Mostly, I was with Micah and some of his friends. The whole weekend passed by in a haze because for the most part I was drunk. I got woefully drunk Friday afternoon and passed out, and then Micah wanted me to go to his bar that night and since I could hardly sit up with my eyes open, much less dance, he gave me smelling salts to wake me up and then fed me bunches of amphetamines. It was incredible. I went from feeling dizzy and sick to being full of energy and wide awake. I was wild until about three, dancing with Micah and everybody and flirting madly with some guys I knew, when all the alcohol hit like a great tidal wave pulling me under. I ended up collapsing, and when we finally got back from some after parties where I'd been shivering, freezing and sore, he set me in a chaise for a moment to fetch me water and I passed out again. I kind of remember wanting to go to the hospital because I felt like ice all over but he gave me some other kind of pill and it got me on my feet enough to walk to the bedroom.

Saturday was much of the same although I did not get sick or take drugs. I drank a lot though. I had a beautiful date which was very refined and sweet, but then got dragged off to the bar and these three women were flirting with me (gay bar) and buying me tons of shots, and I got drunk so fast.

Anyway, Sunday night I found out, as I arrived back at Kiya's to stay the night, that she'd told her mother everything. As in, everything. All the secrets and stuff she'd sworn not to tell. Anyway, her mom had called my mother and that's when my mother found out I wasn't at Kiya's any longer. Of course I hadn't been able to tell her about Micah and all that. There was a lot of screaming and yelling, and I cried tons because I felt physically sick and emotionally awful. I stayed at Kiya's that night because my mother was so furious at me, but when I woke up and got ready for her to drive me back to school, she said I wasn't going. It turned out that Kiya's mom talked my mom into having me stay here. When she sent Kiya to her aunt's house before it really made her totally different and much more under control, and I guess they believe the same thing will happen to me.

Soo...I got pulled out of my school but since I agreed not to see D'Hane, they decided not to notify the school about everything. I just can't contact him at all, and I'm kind of desperate and miserable about that. Basically, I've been Mrs Oberon's slave these last couple days. She took the week off so that I'm not unsupervised yet and then her husband is taking the next week off; I guess they think by then I will be cooperative and not as upset. I guess I can handle that but I'd much rather then just let me live my life. I've spent the last two days washing windows and helping Mrs Oberon sort out stuff from the attic and arrange it for a garage sale. I think she's punishing me but I don't know for sure, maybe she just wants me busy so I won't dwell. I've tried to listen and be good but my stomach aches and my eyes are red from crying. Kiya's been really nice so I don't blame her; I probably would have told my mom if it was vice versa, but I still hate this. I want my school and my friends. After this weekend I really miss Micah too, and on that Kiya will not listen because she thinks he's horrible and a bad influence. She used to LOVE him. I can't even cope. They are treating me nice, like family, but it's just not what I want at all.

Managed to patch things up with Mrs Katz, which I am so grateful for, because really, she's been a great teacher and I want her to like me. After all classes ended I stopped by her office and kind of mentioned her response to my reading. She seemed in a better mood but also quite tired, and kind of rolled her eyes sadly and said "oh, every year we get one of you" and I said I didn't understand and she said, with this pointed look 'a teacher's pet'. Then she said my reading had been really well but she was concerned about me and she asked point blank why I was around Mr D'Hane a lot. I just told her about auditions and study and how I wanted into the advanced programs and such, and I think she believed me because she gave me a cupcake leftover from a senior party and said 'you're a smart girl, I just hope you manage to stay that way and don't get in over your head' and smiled when I left. So, I think she does notice that I hang around him an awful lot and vice versa, but Mr D'Hane also talked to her about me. He told her I was having private lessons (I am not) and that he really felt I had talent and could go far so he was spending extra time with me. I don't know what she said since I wasn't there but afterwards in his office he said he thinks things are good and not to worry about it. Anyway, as he pointed out, she's retiring so she'll be out of our lives in a month.

I didn't get to see him much after school today. After studying I went over to his classroom for a bit. He seemed really shy and nervous at first and after a couple minutes of general class talk he asked if he'd done something wrong by kissing me. I told him, absolutely not, and that I'd really liked it, and he seemed relieved. After that, he stopped talking about class and started asking about my summer plans. I had to tell him I have no clue yet but that my parents wanted me to get work experience and my father was really pushing me to work at his company. Mr D'Hane's working at a festival over the summer, this one where they do period skits and people can come experience this renaisance experience. He told me there are tons of jobs available for highschool students in the field of drama and theatre, and that it's good money and they provide dorms so the employees all live in the same place. He also said he'd speak to my parents about it and recommend it to them if I wanted. I really do. It would be wonderful to spend the summer doing performances and actually having a job I'd love, and being with him would make it perfect.

I'm hoping!!

It used to be that I got along well with Mrs Katz, my English teacher. Not anymore, apparently. Our assignment for today was to memorize a poem and recite it in front of the class. Some people chose really short ones, and she acted very happy with them even though theirs were easy. I read Oscar Wilde's 'Lotus Leaves' which is fairly long but not endless, and I thought I did a really good job. Mrs Katz did too, except she used that as a way to criticize me. She was like 'oh, I see you've learned how to enunciate better, I wonder who your voice coach was' and 'you would find Wilde iconic, wouldn't you, after all the scandal associated with him and his name' in this horrible, sarcastic voice. It's like, someone else read a Willy Nelson song lyric for their poem and she said nothing bitter at all. I think she suspects something between me and Mr D'Hane, because when he leaned against the door at about five minutes before dismissal, she gave him this mean look and then directed it at me and told me, very coldly, I could go because my escort was there. Maybe she was just in a bad mood but really, she's not like that normally. None of my friends knew what she was getting at either.

Today has been...wow.

Originally, it seemed like the most interesting thing the day would bring was tryouts. I did two auditions today. One was tryouts for the spirit squad, which is mostly a cheerleading group that incorporates dance and gymnastics into their routines. That was tough. I wasn't even sure I'd try out until auditions came. In the back of my head I've always considered that it would be great to be a part of the team especially during senior year, since it's really a way to meet people and get attention. I did it. My arms hurt a lot right now from all the flips and handstands and cartwheels, but I think I did okay. I don't know if I made it yet; they don't post the results until scoring which will be next week at the earliest. I'm hoping I have callbacks anyway.

The other audition was to get into the advanced performance troupe. It's a seniors-only theatre group that works with local playhouses and is meant only for people who are very good and very serious, ie: want to study theatre in college and perhaps professionally. I was intensely nervous about that one because of course Mr D'Hane was one judge as well as a drama teacher from CMU and some other people. I wanted to make a good impression anyway, but especially with him. If I get in that means next year in addition to taking advanced drama as an elective I can choose to specialize in performing arts here which means 3-4 of my classes will be drama related and I can opt to take some through a college and start earning credit too. I have a couple friends who are doing things like that so it would be great. That, I should find out about on Friday but I'm pretty sure I did great because Mr D'Hane congratulated me so many times, and basically ignored some of the other students who wanted to find out about their scores.

Something else happened with us which made this day unforgetable. It's under a cut in case student/teacher romance offends you at all

( here goes )

Can I post through email? Oh, yeah! Very cool.

Just finished watching episode one of Fruits Basket. I really love it so far and can't wait to see the other episodes. I think Tohru Honda and Shigure are my favourite characters right from the start, although that might change when I get to know the others better. I think I'll have time to watch one more tonight before going to bed. I really haven't seen a lot of anime until this year. My favourite at the present is Ouran High School Host Club, but I also really like Lucky Star and Full Metal Alchemist. Ouran is so out there with the yaoi, it's got to be my favourite. :) I love Hikaru and Kaoru bunches.

I kind of hate being at home. The day hasn't been bad really, but I left my money at school and wasn't able to go shopping which I wanted, and haven't really done much. Mykola hasn't called either, and I know he is out of town but I am still a bit sad about it. I miss Mr D'Hane as well. At school he has a great way of always cheering me up. He used to be so serious and kind of quiet and shy acting, talking in this hesitant whisper about books except in class where his voice his stronger. Now, he seems a lot more at ease. I'm not sure why, but I like it. He makes me feel a lot older and sophisticated and at the same time extremely fragile and naive about everything. I like that too, although I can't describe it right. Just knowing that someone with life experience thinks I'm interesting to talk to is really great. At home, my parents are nice but I feel like a child. No one allows me to make any decisions or even leave the house without telling them exactly where I'm going and when I'll be back. Even then, they are always harping on me and saying I should stay home with the family. Sometimes, I just want to do something completely crazy and not try to be the perfect daughter in order to make them happy. But even then, I think I'd feel guilty and that would spoil it. Anyway I don't know why I sound melacholy. I just feel bored.

Right this minute, I feel like I'm in love with the entire world. I think if my mother knew, she would call me boy crazy, and I'd have to agree, because I seriously am. ALL I could think about on this important day were these great guys I know and how much I really cannot get enough of them. You would never guess because of the way I look, because I don't act very flirty unless I'm really confident, and I don't dish a lot except online, but I've been seriously obsessing.

Today is important because we had precursor exams, these closed-book tests that we take about a month before the actual midterm and final exams in order to test our knowledge and prevent test anxiety through practice. I had such a hard time concentrating! I know I did quite well on my English exam and probably on my history as well, but the rest were difficult, and French was impossible. My mind went blank. I confused all my pronouns. French is my worst subject, and I don't know why. I love the language and I study for that class more than any other. I just seem to be resistant to it in some way, and it gets confused with Spanish as well.

We had no exam in performing arts, thank God - there is no way I could have gotten through it with any degree of success or concentration. Mr D'Hane (yes, my teacher crush) kept staring at me. In a good way, with this glassy eyed, open-mouthed expression, but it was disconcerting and made me extraordinarily self-conscious. For the first part we did some movement exercizes, mostly leaps and some stretches. His theory is that an actor knows his or her surroundings almost on an instinctual level, and doesn't underestimate things like the terrain or depth perception (ie: doesn't bump into lots of things or trip). During this entire time he was right by me and he demonstrated a lot of the different moves and skills with me as his partner. I kept smiling really big, I couldn't help it! He doesn't often praise me in class but today he did, a lot. He said I'm developing my flexibility and recommended I start a ballet course to get more comfortable in my body because, as he put it, "you obviously have the skill and a dancer's body". Just the thought of him looking at me and putting so much effort into thinking about my body made me embarrassed but also happy and flattered.

I probably should feel guilty, because Mykola has no idea that I feel this way about one of my teachers. It just seems pointless to tell him. He might get upset or confused, which would be a waste of his time as there is nothing that can happen over a silly teacher crush. I mean, Mr D'Hane chats with me and he's really nice, but we're not going to end up dating or something. I got a picture from Mykola today, also. He had taken it in this photo booth at the mall and he looks really cute and British in it. I don't know why British, he's not British, but he just looks it to me. Anyway, I pasted it onto my little mirror so I could see it whenever I wanted.

Some of my friends were talking about crushes and boyfriends today. The reason is, two seniors I know are planning to get married following school; well, one couple immediately after graduation and the other couple sometime following college or during college. To me that seems a bit mad, but I guess if someone is ready it's quite beautiful to marry so early. Anyway, I spilled about all my celebrity crushes. I have tons! There is Gordon Ramsay, for starters. He's not conventionally good looking but there is something rugged and down to earth that I really like about him. He's not afraid to shout and stand up for his passions, and I really like his occupation, because chefs are amazing. I also love Billy Boyd. Cute? Check. Boyish? Check. Gorgeous accent? Check. I'm completely taken with that silly smile and wonderful accent. Scottish men rock my socks and all that. The rest are mostly from movies and tv that I like. Kiya and Tristan got me hooked on Xmen and Wolverine, so I love Hugh Jackman in all movies, especially in his Wolverine character but also others. Christian Bale I fell in love with during The Prestige.  I also really like Josh Halloway, Johnny Depp, Terry O'Quinn, Jason Isaacs, Ian McKellen, Aaron Stanford, James Marsden, Corbin Bleu, Tom Felton, Jeremy Sumpter, Rupert Grint and Shawn Ashmore. Oh, and Orlando Bloom. See? Tons!

Oh my God!

Mykola sent me a letter that I got today. Just a simple note but it meant the world to me. In it was a picture we'd taken in the cinema photo booth, and on the back he'd written "the most beautiful girl ever" and "I love you". I just about died. My knees went weak and I could feel my heartbeat really loud and everything. Honestly, that was the sweetest thing I'd ever read before in my life.

I wish I could say my day only got better from there, but no. After hardly doing any studies all weekend, I'm buried in French homework. Seriously, the teachers are piling it on like nothing else. I've finished two worksheets but there are still five more I need to finish, and I'm not behind, this is all from today! It's a good thing I have a lot of enthusiasm for French or I would be in a terrifically foul mood. The one bright spot except for the small note from Mykola happened at lunch. My teacher-crush -- I won't disclose his name here yet, but his initials are F.D. -- sat at my table for a few moments at lunch. He wasn't joining us in eating, just joking with a few of my friends who are auditioning for an upcoming community theatre play about their movement classes. Anyway, he sat right beside me, very close in although there was plenty of room, and while he was taking he was writing on his clipboard, what I thought were blocking notes or something, since he's doing audition training for a few of us. When he left, he patted my hand under the table, and handed me this tiny Post-it. It had a tiny drawing of a heart with a little arrow through it. After that, he left straight out without a single word, and unfortunately I haven't been able to talk to him yet today since then, but it really made my day. I feel loved.

Today has been a really good day. I can tell summer is nearly here because I feel windblown and in need of a shower, and I've been out all day in the hot sun and constantly busy, which I love.

This morning I had not one but two appointments, a visit to the doctor and a denist appointment. The doctor's appointment was successful. The one concern my doctor had was my bone health, because ever since I broke my leg in track, I've had occasional knee pain and my doctor does not think I'm getting enough calcium. So, I'm supposed to drink a special shake now and then and have extra milk, plus take a tablet for bone health. The dentist visit was not so fun. Four cavities. It's almost unbelievable. I mean, I brush my teeth a lot and floss daily. I've never had a cavity before though, and I haven't been to the dentist in two years because nothing has seemed bad, so I guess I should be happy nothing is worse. They are very small cavities anyway. I'm kind of scared though. I'm not good with pain and I hate going to the dentist. I'm hoping bone tablets will make my teeth stronger too, but I really don't know.

Anyway, the rest of the day was nice. I helped out in the nursery room at Cerise's school for a while, just supervised on the playground and helped read some stories, and then my father and my grandparents took me to dinner and we spent a long time chatting and really enjoying ourselves. Once they left I felt sort of sad and hung around outside, being slightly homesick, but then in started to rain and I realized I was glad to be back to school.

So, that's all. I have to do some reading and then I think I'm going to bed even though it's a little early. Goodnight!

Well, my sister Nikolja (Nicola) just left. Our visit went amazingly well. I haven't quite gotten over how good things have been between her and everyone else in the family lately. Until very recently, we've had no relationship at all except from very rare phone calls, which used to end in arguments.



We had a really nice time. Everybody sat down and had deep dish pizza with pepperoni on it, and we watched Memoirs of a Geisha. I always forget how much I adore that movie, and then I see it again and it's just incredible. Well, it's late. I think I'm going to grab a last piece of pizza and finish some studying I put off. Tomorrow is a busy day and I'm not going to have much time at the library. I have an appointment with my pediatrician and then I promised to be a tutor volunteer at my little sister's school, and then my dad and grandparents are taking me to dinner before driving me back to school. Goodnight!

Things w/ Mykola are good, very good. I was quite disappointed last night, because even though they'd previously given permission for me to go out with him alone, my parents abruptly changed their minds and decided to chaperone. We'd planned to see Perfect Stranger or Vacancy, but my parents insisted on bringing my baby sister and we had to see Meet the Robinson's. I was so embarrassed about their overprotectiveness but Mykola was really good about it. He talked to my parents a lot and seemed comfortable around them, and they really liked them, which is great. We hardly had time to talk about anything except the movie because we went out to dinner after and my parents fired questions at him, but this morning we met for breakfast and it was really nice. It feels kind of sophisticated having an actual date, meeting someone for breakfast. I could hardly eat because I felt nervous and so exhilerated, but it was so much fun. He had to go to work and we had to go to church so it wasn't a long date, but it was still wonderful. I'm very dorky and crushing on him madly, but it's so much fun. I can't wait to see him again. Hopefully it'll be soon.

Well, my sister is over and my parents are back from picking up pizza. We're going to hang out as a family for a while and watch Memoirs of a Geisha, one of my favourite movies. More soon!

Okay, why are so many men and boys disgusting?

I went on a teenchat (that shall remain anonymous), because my friend Kiya wanted me to join her online. One of her favourite pasttimes is going into teenchats and baiting out the older men who lurk there. She's not malicious, don't get me wrong, she totally loves older guys and has dated a fair few. She just has a soft spot for nymphet-lovers and with her being very nymphet-like herself, finds lots of people she can relate to in such situations. She's actually gotten me into it also. I've always found older men attractive because of the way they carry themselves, their maturity, different worldviews and also the tendency to be more respectful and appreciative of a girl's attention then most boys are. I don't have much experience, because I've never actually dated an older man, but I've flirted with a few because they can be sweet, the Humbert ones anyway. Anyway, I decided to hang out online with her and see who I could meet, just for fun as I'm hoping things will work out with Mykola, and here's what I got.

Bachelor #1 - "john" 21/m/baltimore, maryland. The first thing he said to me after hi and a/s/l was that he is in a body cast following a car accident that broke both his legs. I said sorry and that I hoped he was okay. He asked me if I'd ever been in a car accident. Then he wanted to know if I'd ever been in a cast. He asked what my worst injury was, and what was the most painful thing ever to happen to me, and if I'd been bitten by dogs before. I blocked him.

Bachelor #2 - chat name "longdong21", 22/m/location unknown but hopefully not close. His conversation included "u gt cam?" and "wn fuk me?" I blocked him without waiting to see if it got better or worse. I mean, come on, only a girl with zero self esteem and absolutely nothing better to do would keep talking to him, and I can't imagine the moron who thinks these sort of lines will make a girl interested. Boys are so fucking immature!

Bachelor #3 - "paul" 30/m/ohio. He seemed really nice from the start. He disclosed his age and asked if it was all right, and asked me some things about myself. However, pretty soon the conversation gave way to requests for cam. I said I don't have one, which is true. He asked if I had a phone; I do but I said no since my parents would never let me answer an out of area call without asking lots of questions, plus I'd known this guy for 3 minutes over the internet. Finally, the kicker - "do you want to cum on the phone?" Okay, what do you say to that? I'm a virgin, for the love of God. I don't want to pretend to get off over the telephone for some guy I don't even know. I want to meet someone nice, someone sweet, someone sensitive and patient and someone with standards who doesn't want to sleep with every pretty young thing going by him. Is that so much to ask?

Anyway, it seems Mykola has no competition at the moment. Which is good, I guess, as I really like him and I do want things to work out with us. He's not much older, just twenty-two, and we are very compatible so I'm hoping! Also, he's nothing like boys from school. Now, there are some great boys at school. Some are cute too. But the majority are quite inept and foolish, and have no idea what they are doing or that what they do doesn't turn girls on. I kissed some boy I danced with at one of the dances recently, and he was clueless! I'm a virgin, but I do know how to kiss. I was embarrassed for him. It was that bad. :(

I can't believe I'm home! It feels amazing to wake up in my own proper bed instead of a rock hard mattress with scratchy, overly-starched sheets. I slept in until 11 this morning and it was wonderful not to hear the alarm screech or have any reason to get up early.

I've spent most of the morning cleaning my bedroom, because it gets so dusty when I'm not home for long periods of time, and also I wanted to rearrange everything. Now it's perfect and I'm glad I don't have to go back to school until Tuesday, because I actually get to use it. My mother has been teasing me about vacuuming, since that used to be my least favourite task, and yet I ran the vacuum for over 20 minutes this morning trying to make my room spotless. It is kind of pathetic to be so obsessed with cleanliness, it's just that at school I don't have much of a say about the order or layout of the room, and here I do.

Hopefully, the rest of the day goes well. My sister is taking me out to lunch in a few minutes and then I'm meeting Mykola this evening, though I don't know what we're doing. I'm really nervous all of a sudden. What if he doesn't like me? I mean, I know he does like me because he's called and written, but I worry something will go wrong, or I won't seem very interesting or fun to be around tonight. I've never actually had a boyfriend, so I don't know how I should be. Some of my friends are experts at flirting and have dated tons of different boys, but I'm completely unexperienced and had no idea what will happen. I feel sort of awkward sometimes, being a virgin and being kind of sheltered. It's like I can't compete. I just hope Mykola sees past that and likes me for me, and doesn't expect me to pretend to be something else.

Side note: I found a really interesting site called Scarleteen which I've been studying as if I'm going to be tested. http://www.scarleteen.com/