i am sooo gay. just kidding.

here's an update. not much to say. i'm a pretty happy bitch lately. except i'm wanting a bigger apt for me & boyfriendface.

-- BUT our current landlord just got married and his wife was all "hey i'll fix up your apartment, just tell me what needs to be done because i know my new husband is a slumlord"!! :)

my cousin keeps calling me to bitch about how her husband pays no attention to her. i hate hitting *answer* on my cell and hearing her crying at the other end. well, guess you shouldn't have married that freak!

i'd never get involved with a marine. or anyone who supports this shitass country.

i guess that's all i got to report.

( PS -- HAVE SOME LOVE )

recently i've been typing up all the lyrics to boyfriend's albums so he can get his new shit copyrighted. go boyfriend go. i'm his little secretary.

also going to see the sex and the city movie with the girls. yay!

last week i went to wildflowers with james, who i never see anymore. i miss you. he's dating this sack of fat who lives in a fantasy world and is totally fake with everyone and happens to be a mutual friend of ours. i guess they've been dating for 2ish years now, but i still hate it.

when i first found out, i was so mad. why her? of all people. why not some strange girl that you could bring into our circle of friends? why ruin the circle by dating sack-of-fat? i don't get it. i know he can't see anything in her. i don't see anything in her.

i can't even talk to him anymore. i can't say "JAMES WHAT ARE YOU DOING? you don't love sacks of fat! you don't love anything! why must you be with her?!" it's just that i know it's a relationship of conveincence, and that's not bad in some situations. but this situation sucks. i feel like i'm only friends with sack-of-fat and he is just her boyfriend whom i talk to occasionally.

i was friends with him first. and i talk about more important things with him and actually care about his feelings. and i don't take advantage of him. and i don't say to him "honey, can you please go upstairs and make me pancakes?" when he's supertired just because i'm too lazy and fat to get off my ass and make them myself.

stupid fucking fatsack.

in a whole other world, boyfriend's getting a new car. it's pretty hot. we played this game the other day where i bought this double disc CD of themes from different television shows and we listened and tried to guess which show they belonged to. he won for the most part.

and there is my life in one livejournal entry. ta-da.

i talk to this guy at work who everyone thinks is weird. a friend of mine at work always talks about how weird he is. and i agree, he is weird.

but i talk to him.

he's one of the only people i know who says things that everyone else is afraid to say.

everybody needs someone to talk to.

like all the old people who come in asking me to change their watch batteries. i let them ramble on while i'm pushing in the new battery because i know that they're lonely.

i'm a little lonely, too.

----

in other news, we got two kittens. a tortoiseshell named samara and a calico named absinthe, both girls. dave calls absinthe "gogo" because apparently, "she's always on the go". yeah, my boyfriend can be a little lame.

there is the sweetest boy at my restaurant job. he buses the tables and i hostess, but hostesses always help the busers. so we talk. he is a redhead and had a little afro up to a week ago when he shaved it off.

now, i'm normally not attracted to redheads. not at all, actually. as a matter of fact, they really freak me out. this is a fact that i make a point of telling everyone i meet. that's how extreme it is; everyone who knows me knows i don't like redheads.

but he is a redhead. and i like him. he is 2 years younger than me and is so adorably funny and sweet.

so i quit.

this is the second time i have quit a job because of a strong attraction to a co-worker/manager that could possibly endanger my relationship. he doesn't know about either of these crushes. and that's all they are, crushes.

but i fall so easily. i'm weak when it comes to men. but it isn't just lust. i see their pain and problems and i long to help them, save them. i guess i have a problem.

i want to help them all. i want to be their savior in every way. but this relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

so i will guard it with my life.

what do you do when you grow up? i don't really know.

i miss too many things that i shouldn't miss.

i yearn for the past. i long to do things differently. to be smarter about things. to take what i know now and use it to redo everything. i feel so wise now compared to then. i feel like i'm accomplishing more now.

sometimes i remember when i was a teenager (which really wasn't that long again) and i wonder why i was so unhappy. i guess it's just hard growing up. i remember learning about loss. learning that everything, eventually, will leave you in some way or another. i remember learning it and re-learning it over again, not knowing how to cope with it. i'm not sure that i even know how to cope now.

one thing i can say, i was so much more depressed then. i was brought down easier and had much less confidence. i think the only reason i have any shred of confidence now is because i've overcome certain things, decided to stop blaming myself, and decided to stop taking shit from people. having my now boyfriend tell me he loves me four days after we met (and asking me out on the fifth) sure doesn't hurt either.

i still can't believe how good he is to me. he's taught me so many things.

speaking of boys, i was at my retail job tonight (i work there M nights, T nights, F nights, SA nights, & SU days) texting my boyfriend and i hear someone call me. i turn and there's my (caucasian) bus boy from my hostess job (which i work on SA mornings)! i bought him some beer the other weekend because he's underage and i'm nice like that. i also told him where my other job is and he said "i'm going to visit you there!" jokingly. or so i thought. i guess i can't differenciate between a joke and a real, honest statement.

i guess i'm just used to being lied to. most of the people i know, or ever knew, are liars. the world is filled with them, like a plague.

it's a damn shame that i've grown to like being lied to.

(it's 3:57AM and now i'm going to bed. goodnight)

even 3 years after you hurt me, ripped out my insides with no regard, i still think about it. i still find lyrics and stories that i can relate the experience to. i even miss that bond we once had, sometimes long for it even though i have a new bond with a new person. i miss how you always told me what i wanted to hear, not what i needed to hear.

what i really would rather do without is the fact that you left me scarred for the next poor sap who came across me. fixing me now is like trying to fix the hole in the titanic. while it's sinking.

i passed my GED. which means i can get a better job and go to college if i can find the funds. which makes me very very happy.

& i met some interesting kids (well, teenagers) tonight at work. i received lots of hugs and a few phone numbers tonight. for some reason, i find that people younger than me find me really cool. well, i don't know about really cool, but cool. they're always like "you're so cool!" and i'm like "what'd i do?" it's weird because i remember back in middle school when i tried to be cool and it didn't work out. now that i'm not trying, i guess i am. funny how things go.

i also found an old old friend on myspace. the last time i spoke to him or even saw him was about 3 years ago. i'm so happy. i can feel my social network expanding and i think i like it.

i've been a busy little bee.

well, not too busy.

when i was seventeen, i dropped out of high school (despite the fact that everyone around me was against it). when i did it, i felt that it was what i needed to do. it felt like the right thing.

lately i have been having slight regrets. but the whole time, even when i was only playing with the idea of dropping out, i knew i wanted to at least get my GED.

on march 10th and 11th, a fellow drop-out friend and i went to take the test.

she just got her test scores back and she passed. she is a drop-out no longer.

i haven't gotten mine yet. i'm praying (to what?) that they didn't get lost in the mail. i so badly want to pass.

i want so many things.

-----

also, LJ, i'm cheating on you.

if anyone is interested, i have an OD, too. don't be angry. i know i've been writing more in that journal than this one.

the thing is, my cousin reads my OD. she doesn't know about my LJ. so i'm more honest here.

the other thing is, i have trouble being honest.

this is what i don't tell anyone.

he doesn't take his shirt off in front of me. he even keeps it on during sex. once he was naked during sex but it was from behind so i couldn't see him.

he's self concious because he used to be 300 lbs and he was depressed so he decided to stop eating one day and got down to 150 lbs and he has all this extra skin on his stomach like when pregnant women lose weight too fast after their babies come out.

but i don't care. it's everyone else that wouldn't understand.

i love him all the same. shirt or no shirt.

is it wrong to want to have confidence in yourself? to want to love food and not worry about your body and it's flaws? is it wrong to not feel guilty after you eat? or to not feel like you have to eat like a bird because you're a woman? is it wrong to want to trust that not all men want a stick for a girlfriend?

i just want to better myself and not be one of those girls anymore. i'm working toward confidence and i'm tired of being one of those girls who's always asking if she's fat. i'm tired of fighting with food. i mean, i'd like to start eating healthier but i refuse to starve myself anymore. is it fucking wrong to be hungry? is it wrong to want to fucking eat something?

that's why i hate making friends with girls. i feel like they hold me back because a lot of women are still caught in this trap of self conciousness. well i want to break free from it.

and you know what? my boyfriend loves me for who i am and he loves my body the way it is. and if someday he decides otherwise, then so be it. but i won't see it as a reflection of my body nor will i take it out on my body. not anymore.

i remember when you were staying with us for a while in the second bedroom and you were lying on your air matress with an ear infection, so i googled 'scary stories' on your laptop and sat next to you and read you some in the dark. i loved you so much in that moment. it was summer and i was wearing that orange tank top with the hibiscus flower on it. after a while, dave came into the room playing with this glow in the dark bracelet, bending it back and forth absentmindedly. and i was still reading you the stories when he accidentally snapped the bracelet and all of the glowy stuff burst out all over my back. i remember i started to flip out but your presence there calmed me. and you helped me clean it off.

now you're thousands of miles away from me and that room is empty. all i want is for you to be back in it.

highlight of my month so far: getting served booze at mardi gras exactly 2 weeks before my 21st birthday. silly, right?

everything's all cool and shit. yeah, i'm happy. except with one area. can anyone guess what it is? anyone? that's right, the main thing i complain about...money.

now look, i try not to worry about money. i try to tell myself "hey, money ain't important! fuck that shit!" but come on. when you get right down to it, if you want to be honest, money is important. don't argue it, man. it is. money buys you food, shelter, clothing/warmth, entertainment, transportation, information, health, sex... fucking everything you could need or want. whatever though. i'm trying not to worry.

in other news, i'll be 21 in about a week and a half. i got a text tonight at around 1AM from a friend of mine asking me what i'm doing on the seventeenth. she said she's planning something for my birthday. not to be a bitch or anything, but it better be good. this particular friend isn't so great at getting gifts people actually like. maybe it's because my tastes change so quickly.. but i figure if she really knew me, she'd know what i want. i really hope she buys me a tattoo. she did that for another friend of hers.. and i've tried to stress how badly i want another one.

well, like i always say, my friends are assholes. it really is true.

now, to get 5 and a half hours of sleep.

mother
you had me
i never had you
i wanted you
but you didn't want me
so i gotta tell you
goodbye

father
you left me
but i never left you
i needed you
but you didn't need me
so i just gotta tell you
goodbye

LOS ANGELES - SuicideGirls.com (the Wal-Mart of alt-porn) is back in court again, this time suing one of their lead photographers for alleged breach of contract for photographing his wife. SG claims that her small single girl website is a "competitor" to their empire of over 1500 models, books, DVDs, Burlesque Tours, Radio, Television and Magazines

This "lead photographer" just happens to be Lithium Picnic and his darling wife Apnea. There's more of what's going on here.

read more | digg story

good vibes are happening all over!

we've recently had an annoying house guest, but he's moving out this week! yay! he was in our way and getting in the middle of our relationship, not to mention totally mooching off of us. but no more!!

also, i finally saw a good friend of mine last week who i lost touch with. she had a baby in september and i only just met him last week! he's so incredibly beautiful. i absolutely love him. but i had it in my head that she would ask me to be his god mother since her and i grew up together and all the history we have. she didn't, and he already has a god mother. it kind of bothers me because i don't think she even knew his new god mother half as long as i've known her! but i guess it's a kind of selfish thing to want, anyway.

my relationship with david has been better than ever lately. i'm so dying to get married to him, but i know he wants to be sensible about it and wait until we've got some things sorted out first. whatever dude, i'm ready now.

i've been trying to be more positive lately and not worry so much about things. i think it's working so far. let's keep our fingers crossed. i've been known to relapse from things before.

is that what you call a getaway?
tell me what you got away with
cause i've seen more spine in jellyfish
i've seen more guts in eleven year old kids
have another drink and drive yourself home
i hope there's ice on all the roads
and you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield

is that what you call tact?
you're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
so let's end this call and end this conversation
is that what you call a getaway?
tell me what you got away with
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever

(brand new)

////////////////////

i know you're dying to tell me everything that you want to say
but i'm not listening
i know you're trying to force me, feed me lies but i'm on my way
can you taste it now?
i'm dying to watch your face when i walk away.

here's the final bullet to put our love to death
our days are never coming back
i know it's you, i can't forget
there's a frieght train coming to force your head in check
our love is never coming back

i know you're dying to tell me everything that you want to say
but i'm not listening
trying to tell me everything will be okay
you're trying to warm my heart but you freeze my blood
there's ice inside my veins
i'm only dying to watch your face when i turn away
and i'll turn away

but you cannot seperate the two things i would live or die for
i'd kill to seperate your heart from your head, that's to die for

you're just a waste of a song
you're a simple regret
i thought i knew who you were
but watch how fast i forget
you wore your prettiest dress
but there's a mess in your head
they say old habits die hard
i say they're better off dead
cause you were bitter and cold
but still you burned me alive
you held the match to my skin
and poured the fuel on the fire
you're not my favorite mistake
you're just a simple regret
i thought i knew who you were
but watch how fast and watch how well i forget.

fuck. i miss everything i ever had.
i don't know what's going on here.
i feel so tired and sad.
not like..sad, but pathetic.
i'm supposed to be looking for a job because i quit my other one(yay!).
but..i can't bring myself to call anyone.
i'm scared.
i feel like such a loser.

-----

1
i'm tired of you pretending you care about me. both of you. f, you used to be cool. used to. and you expect everyone to give a shit that you're together now? whatever. that relationship was doomed from the start. i hope you're both happy. you're losing me.

2
youuu. you fake. you showoff. you act like a little boy. "pay attention to me, not him! i'm the greatest! oh you don't like me, do you? oh please like me!" that's what you give off, don't you realize? you're an idiot.

3
you're pregnant? what? and you're having it. and he's not staying with you. you're only 18, jesus christ. i want to be there for you but i don't know if you'd let me. ever since we were torn apart you seem to have had this independence. but i suppose it was there all along and i never noticed it until i took a step back. i so badly want to get back to where we once were. i miss our late nights and closeness.

4
and the counterpart, the almost twin. man, the same thing i said above practically goes for you too. but i know there is no protecting her. with you..well, i can at least try to stop some of the blows. i want to hold you and absorb all of your pain until you're innocent again. like we used to be. now it's like everything is spinning out of control. i can't stop. i'm trying though. i miss everything about you and now it seems like you're so changed. i hardly recognize you.

-----


i just feel like giving up.

poetry is no place for a heart that's a whore
and i'm young and i'm strong
but i feel old and tired
overfired

and i've been poked and stoked
it's all smoke, there's no more fire
only desire
for you, whoever you are

you say my time here has been some sort of joke
that i've been messing around
some sort of incubating period
for when i really come around
i'm cracking up
and you have no idea

no idea how it feels to be on your own
in your own home
with the fucking phone
and the mother of gloom
in your bedroom
standing over your head
with her hand in your head

i will not pretend
i will not put on a smile
i will not say i'm alright for you
when all i wanted was to be good
to do everything in truth

oh i wish
i wish
i wish i was born a man
so i could learn how to stand
up for myself
like those guys with guitars
i've been watching in bars
who've been stamping their feet
to a different beat

you bloody motherfucking asshole

-martha wainwright

two roads
split off from here,
and my life goes running in opposite directions
exaggerating the barrier between who I am, and who I want to be

i wanted to be that breath of fresh air
when everything smelled so insincere
but this taste still lingers in my mouth
deceit has ways of sticking around
and I'm ready to disappear
vacation seems far, seems far from here

note to self
i miss you terribly
this is what we call a tragedy
come back to me
note to self
i miss you terribly
this is what we call a tragedy
come back to me

i can feel my mind wandering again
Into where I don't know and will I ever get home
time starts moving faster than I can
and I'm sick of this scene
i need a break from routine

which part of me is lost? I feel so close and yet I am so far

---

More than ever
I need to feel you
More than ever
I see the real you

my boyfriend's mother is a psychic. she tells me all these stories and it totally fascinates me yet freaks me out at the same time. she's such a cool lady.

we might be getting a bigger apartment. it's a long story, but it's actually the apartment right across the hall from ours. it's a lot bigger and i think we'd be a lot happier if we had more space to move around. so i'm pretty excited.

my cousin's cat is pregnant so i'm going to see if i can have one of her kittens. it's actually my cat quinn's mother so it's kind of like quinn: the second generation.

i have to go to work in 5 minutes. i hate it there. today's only a 5 hour shift though.
xxxxxxx