Mike check [26 Jul 2003|07:22am] [ mood | check ] [ music | check ] Vidicon:  Check. Check. Heck. Where's my check? Is this thing on? Director:  [angrily] Get the %#&!@ off the set! Come back in an hour! Go take a &%$@&! shower. And take the web cam with you! 00002 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon -- Opening [26 Jul 2003|08:58am] [ mood | something's burning ] [cue lights, musical intro—which seems to wind up early, as the musicians failed to agree on the tune before commencing] Spling:  Welcome to Vidicon's "Travelogue of the Nowhere Bound" Blogathon 2003, benefiting—believe it or not—an actual charity called Association for International Cancer Research. Before our host takes the stage, we'd like to let you know that webcam images are available. You can get still images here and HERE. Streaming images can be obtained here and HERE, if you are using Netscape or a Mozilla-based browser. You may also try these two links. The web-cam port is non-standard. If you are attempting to view through a firewall, you will need to open (or have someone open for you) port 9192. If you are not viewing through a firewall, you should consider finding one at some point. Thank you. Next up: Vidicon Himself! [flashing applause sign] 00004 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon [26 Jul 2003|09:30am] [ mood | Do you smell that? ] Vidicon:  Thank you, Spling, for that almost complete lack of introduction! [applauding] A round of applause for my favorite kidney stone, Spling, who's been with the show since that rather memorable morning on the first of September, 2002. [takes a seat at a desk that looks like it was rescued from Britain's Blitz, WWII-era] We have a special show for you here today—special, in the same sense of the word as in "special education", perhaps, but special nonetheless. Today I'll be interviewing various and sundry fixtures and household appliances about current, relevant issues and politics. This afternoon, we have a special musical guest, 31 FLAVOuRS, with an even specialer guest performing vocals. Also, we may have friends, neighbors, and a handful of armed authority figures drop by from time to time. And round about eleven or twelve o'clock, when the kiddies go to bed, we may lose it here entirely. So stay tuned. ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. 00004 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon [26 Jul 2003|10:00am] [ mood | There it is again.... ] Vidicon:  Our first guest today is an antique (1957?) Saladmaster® Jet-O-Matic™ Model 10 coffee percolator. Everybody wave and cheer. Vidicon:  [continuing] So, Jet, have a seat. [Jet doesn't budge.] Vidicon:  [continuing] Right. What is it you do, Jet? Don't be nervous. Jet:  I, er, I make coffee here at the International House of Blasphemy. And I, um, when I do it I squeal like a pig being taken apart by an electric hedge-trimmer. For ten minutes. Vidicon:  Uhh, wow. I expect that makes you pretty popular here in the Deep South. Um. Well. [recovering] What have you made for us here today? Jet:  I made some coffee, Vidicon. Vidicon:  Right. Jet:  Butter rum coffee, wise-ass. Vidicon:  Gotcha. Butter rum. Mind if I try it? Jet:  Help yourself. And watch where you put your fingers. We're on television, and my mom is watching. Vidicon:  That's not bad! Jet:  It's a specialty. [awkward silence] Vidicon:  Alrighty then. It's gonna be a great show today, kids. Stay tuned! We'll be back after these messages. [awkward silence] Jet:  I'm shinier than you. 00004 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|10:30am] [ mood | It could just be me, I guess.... ] Vidicon:  Spling, move your spiky bowling-ball ass over and let Jet here have a seat. [Spling slides over. And sulks.] Vidicon:  So, Jet. Who did you vote for in the last election? Jet:  Eisenhower. Spling:  [pretending to sneeze] Git. Vidicon:  [ignoring it] Um, been on the shelf for a while? Jet:  Wait. What do you mean? What year is it? Vidicon:  [looking pointedly at the sign over the stage] It's 2003, Jet. Seriously. [Jet's little neon lamp fades a bit. Jet emits a puff of steam.] Jet:  Excuse me. Um, No kidding? 2003? But, umm, where are the flying cars? Vidicon:  [sighs] There's been a bit of a set-back. The Republicans have basically been in charge since 1968. We're still burning coal. Jet:  Oh. No wonder I still work when I'm plugged in. I was told that everything would be running on a much safer twelve-volt standard when I got old. We're all still 110, then? Not just your house? Spling:  Vidicon's psycho, but he wouldn't rewire his house just for a decent cup of coffee. Vidicon:  Don't know about that. Desperation often requires drastic action. Jet:  Jesus. 2003 ... I guess I should just be glad the planet is still here. [awkward silence] Vidicon:  We'll be back with more culture shock right after these messages. ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. 00001 billion served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 -- Beg-A-Thon break-in [26 Jul 2003|11:00am] [ mood | This is tougher than you think. ] ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. Vidicon:  On the tote-board so far: 21 sponsors, $590 (unofficial). And I'll point out that several people who promised to pledge have not done so yet. If you haven't gotten confirmation of your pledge from the Blogathon site, please go back and make sure that things went through. Webcam images are available. You can get still images here and HERE. Streaming images can be obtained here and HERE, if you are using Netscape or a Mozilla-based browser. You may also try these two links. The web-cam port is non-standard. If you are attempting to view through a firewall, you will need to open (or have someone open for you) port 9192. If you are not viewing through a firewall, you should consider finding one at some point. If you can see this picture, then odds are one of the above links will work for you: If you mail me your favorite stills from the web cam (send to the address on my info page), I will make an archive that will be accessible to those who can't get the live cam to work. 00005 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|11:30am] [ mood | workin' ] Vidicon:  Welcome back. Yes, that's a shot of my hairy, kilted legs on the Crotch Cam. Unrelatedly, Jet has passed out, as you can see in the following shot: Vidicon:  [continuing] Relatedly, it has come to my attention from the demographics department that the largest majority of my sponsors are female. Three exceptions? Four, maybe? So, in light of that, The Kilt—and hairy legs—on the web cam. I fail to see the connection between breezy skirts and free money, personally, but the Director says, "Follow where the money leads." And the Director, knowing who she is working with today, is heavily armed. See? Kilt. Bare legs. Another $24 in pledges. Flex those monster calf-muscles that all short people get from standing on tiptoe all the damn time. Another $15 in pledges. Director:  [snapping fingers back and forth, wobbling head humorously on neck] You betta work! Or when the time comes, no lube! Vidicon:  Yes, ma'am. [calf-muscles: flex, flex, flex....] Spling:  Look at him go! Vidicon:  Where was the lube when you showed up? Bastard. Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|12:00pm] [ mood | don't go there ] Spling:  Howdy. Umm. [hovers nervously] It seems that Jet is coming around again but is in desperate need of a refill. Vidicon, umm ... Vidicon gave me the finger and is now sulking in the restroom. The Director is rooting around in the attic looking for ... umm ... specialty leather goods, and the little red "ON THE AIR" light just, umm, came on and nobody has told me what to do.... Jet:  Shiny shiny shiny. Yes. The one with ammonia, by God. Yeshhh ... aaah ... Spling:  [sweating] ... This is going to cut into my lube allowance. I just know it. Spling:  .... Spling:  Can we just cut to a commercial or something? Director:  [from off screen, roaring] Found it! Now where is that bastard hiding?! Spling:  Mommy. Jet:  Scrub harder. ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. 00001 billion served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|12:30pm] [ mood | w/o permission. Come & get me. ] Vidicon:  [unaware that camera is rolling, leaning uneasily against the front of his desk and swilling coffee in a Max Headroom mug] I can't believe this %#@!&%#! is working. This is, like, my worst show ever. I was better in the cartoons, even. Max:  [poorly digitized chuckling] Look on the bright side. When when when all this is over, you'll have another thing you can X out on your résumé and pretend is classified. Vidicon:  I'm gonna end up on the other side of this mug when they catch up with me. That's what's gonna happen.... Max:  [digitized stuttering] D-d-d-d-on't worry your little nappy head about it, d-d-d-d-doodoodood! I'll have your back! Vidicon:  Right. But they'll have my ass. Max:  Stop worrying. Cue the music-k-k! k! Vidicon:  It's not time for that yet. The band's in three different counties. Max:  Pshaw! This-this-this-this is the Internet, man! All things are possible! Vidicon:  Even a band taking the stage early? What the hell are you smoking?! Max:  [sighing] It's a lov-lov-lov It's a lov-lov It's a lovely dream, though, isn't it? Vidicon:  Wanker. Just keep the video streaming. Max:  [saluting] Aye-aye, Captain! [muttering] prima-preem-preem-prima donna. Donna. 00001 billion served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|01:00pm] [ mood | Grim. Very grim. ] Vidicon:  Okay, so we have a DJ spinning tunes now, which is about as amusing in text form as disco lights are on the radio. [The Director waves a field mouse overhead and twirls around grimly to Mirwais's "Disco Science". We swear it.] Vidicon:  Pathetic, really. But what can we do. Six guests on the list haven't even checked in yet, the Percolator of Doom is lost in an obscene private fantasy of some kind, and Spling is in the penalty box for melting under pressure. Jet:  I didn't ask for the buffing cloth, Mr. Chairman. Are you sure you have the ti—OH! Mmmm.... Vidicon:  [looking at the camera, Ferris-Bueller-style] I'm gonna have nightmares from this way beyond the capabilities of Jungian analysis. Jet:  Around the socket? Are you sure that's safe, Mr. Chairman? The gloves are in the ... uh! Ooh! Mr. Chairman! Are you sure? ... ... foamy ... Vidicon:  Somebody's going to hell for this. This is even worse than that time with the lizards. ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. 00005 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|01:30pm] [ mood | still smokin' ] Spling:  For a minute there, I thought we were going to show an old clip of the lizard episode. Vidicon:  You don't get it, Spling. We don't have it on tape. In order to do it, we'd have to re-stage it and pretend we were showing an old cut. Spling:  ... Vidicon:  That's right, old bean. That means you'd have to get eaten again, and then we'd have to go back up the lizard's ass with the fiber-optic strand and the mic to get your lines again. Jet:  I've never seen a kidney stone go pale like that. That's amazing. Vidicon:  Don't worry, man. Where are we gonna get thirty-eight rabid goanas on short notice? We can't afford Steve Irwin's rates on a charity show. Director:  [offscreen] We could round up the neighborhood children and paint them green.... [thoughtful silence] Spling:  You guys are some sick bastards. [more silence] Vidicon:  Next up: Space Ghost Riki Moai. Wait. Director:  What?! We're still rolling! Vidicon:  What happened to Space Ghost? Director:  You mean besides Ted Turner's buncha psychos at Cartoon Network? Vidicon:  [sighing] Riki Moai. Next, after these messages. 00001 billion served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|02:00pm] [ mood | getting warmer ] Vidicon:  Riki Moai, ladies and gentlemen. Riki is a giant stone statue from Easter Island. In fact, he's still there—even though it looks like he's here—because if there's a thing he's famous for, it's for not getting around much. Big hand, ladies and gentlemen, for Riki Moai! [Audience applauds. Riki removes his ancient Ray-Ban® Wayfarer™ shades.] Riki:  Thanks for having me, Viddy. Big hand, eh? I'll bet you've heard what that means, eh? Vidicon:  No, Riki. Tell us what that means. Riki:  [on the spot] Uhhh.... Spling:  [unbelieving] He called him "Viddy." Riki:  They say there's a correlation ... ummm ... the size of your hands and the size of your ... umm ... "sundial". Sundial. Yeah. Vidicon:  So, Riki, how long has the little hand been on the six? Riki:  [uncomfortable] Jesus, Vid. I'm sorry! Lighten up! Vidicon:  [laughing] Lighten up! That's pretty funny from a forty ton monolith! [laughter from audience] Riki:  C'mon, Spling. Help me out. Us minerals gotta stick together. Spling:  You called him "Viddy." And I know which side of the bread has the butter on it. One false move from me and I spend another half-hour segment up a lizard's ass. He's like this with the writer. Riki:  How about I just say something deep and wise. You know. Schtick. And we can get on with it. Vidicon:  You do that. Riki:  "Time is like a—" Vidicon:  We'll be right back after these messages. 00002 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|02:30pm] [ mood | pentametered ] Riki:  [shouting] Where there's a big hand, there's a BIG &#!!@%$*! PRICK!! [hoots and hollers from audience] Vidicon:  Are you trying to start something with me on my own show? [audience starts barking in unison] [Director sneaks onto stage, leaves a single metal folding chair, and sneaks away] Vidicon:  Jesus. Not again. [audience barks louder] Vidicon:  [calmly] If anyone makes a move for that chair they'll be wearing a Hell Toupée I swear to God. [Barking drags to a halt. Somebody coughs.] Riki:  Who's moving? [silence] Vidicon:  Alrighty then. [more silence] Vidicon:  This happens again, we're Shakespeare. Public domain, PBS all the way. Understood? [chorus of "Yes, sir" from the sofa] Vidicon:  I swear to God. someone:  [muttered] big ol' prick. ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 -- Beg-A-Thon break-in [26 Jul 2003|03:00pm] [ mood | awed ] ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. Vidicon:  On the tote-board so far: 25 sponsors, $650 (unofficial). I'm gratified and humbled that pledges are still coming in. I had no idea that this could work this well. I had half-expected that I would have to beat $20 in pledges out of a handful of friends with thin defenses against massive guilt trips. Wow. I mean, what else can I say? Webcam images are available. You can get still images here and HERE. Streaming images can be obtained here and HERE, if you are using Netscape or a Mozilla-based browser. You may also try these two links. The web-cam port is non-standard. If you are attempting to view through a firewall, you will need to open (or have someone open for you) port 9192. If you are not viewing through a firewall, you should consider finding one at some point. If you can see this picture, then odds are one of the above links will work for you: If you mail me your favorite stills from the web cam (send to the address on my info page), I will make an archive that will be accessible to those who can't get the live cam to work. No one has sent me any stills to post yet, but when one comes in, you'll be able to see it here. 00002 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|03:30pm] [ mood | shizzy ] Titus:  It's iambic, motherfucker. I swear you have two troche feet. Polonius:  All I know is I be bustin' some rhymes down in this joint, G-dawg! Titus:  That's it. [Titus walks around the desk and grabs the folding chair] I'm swinging for the bleachers. Puck:  Nay, that's not how it goeth. It's more like, "Hold, thou varlet!" ... Titus:  You're first, you monolithic bastard. You've been asking for it since you got here. [Titus hauls back and lets go. The leading edge of the chair blue-shifts as it swings toward the camera and red-shifts after it swings past.] [There is a very loud noise. Like a cheap gong. There is a smoking hole in the sofa where Puck used to be. There is a smoking moai-sized hole in the back wall.] Titus:  You're up next, Polonius. Stop stroking your cord and let's go. Tybalt:  You sure you want to do that, Titus? I think it's full. [Polonius swings its power cord like a bicycle chain, uncertain.] Titus:  [letting the chair touch the floor] Then how about we try it again without the "f'shizzy my nizzy"? 00003 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|04:00pm] [ mood | buggy ] [There is a massive, tangible silence] Vidicon:  We've heard from the band. They've worked through most of the technical details in joining us today, and they're jamming out right now, as we speak, warming up for the show. [More silence. The sofa is still smoking, missing a huge chunk between Spling and Jet.] Spling:  I— Vidicon:  Shut up. [flips a card from the front of the stack to the back] We'll have the links for you as soon as they're ready. In the meanwhile, listen to these messages. Spling:  We— Vidicon:  Shut up. [silence] ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|04:30pm] [ mood | tired already ] Vidicon:  For what it's worth, here, at the Decatur studio, we're being plagued by horrendous technical problems. Our chief editing machine is bouncing up and down like a yo-yo. We have bunches of back-ups, but it's annoying as hell. Damned annoying. Quite possibly, that Shakespeare bit got out of hand. Two of our servers fell down laughing and they still aren't too steady yet. Meanwhile, keep the love flowing. Twenty-seven sponsors, $720. More soon. ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|05:00pm] [ mood | groan ] Spling:  Vidicon's face down on the floor behind the desk right now ... um ... He's not sleeping, I swear. He's, um, licking some chocolate syrup off the linoleum. Yeah. Yeah. Chocolate syrup. Jet:  [hesitantly] Is it okay to gurgle? I really have to gurgle right now. Spling:  Yeah, you can gurgle. He put the chair down. Umm. Maybe it's time for a fresh pot? We just passed the one-third mark and he's already face-down, umm, licking the linoleum. Jet:  Are you sure there's not carpet back there? Spling:  Shut up! Do you even know what you're saying? Jet:  Sorry. [Jet gurgles.] Spling:  You should be. The children are still awake. Licking ... carpet ... chocolate syrup. Sheesh. Jet:  I sure hope he's not dead. It's way too early in the day for him to be dead yet. [groans from behind desk] 00001 billion served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|05:30pm] [ mood | audio-visual ] Vidicon:  [looking a little disheveled] Just to make sure you guys stay interested, Here are a bunch of 31FLAVOuRS's audio tracks for you to amuse yourselves with until today's live tracks (with audio and video, if we're lucky) are ready. This band is a related project. I folded the logo. ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|06:00pm] [ mood | woozilicious ] Vidicon:  I don't get it, Spling. You said the house would be full of naked babes, jiggling in front of the camera and swilling all kind of chemicals to make them willing and eager. The doorbell hasn't rung even once. You said we'd probably have to bribe the cops at least twice by sunset. Spling:  What can I say, boss? You didn't rent the inflatable hot tub. And the masseuse isn't showing up until Monday, which is quite a bit too late, if you ask me. Vidicon and Spling in chorus:  Damn UPS! Vidicon:  Well I'm not sending her back when she gets here. I'll just have a different party. Spling:  If she's coming UPS, she'll probably show up broken. Remember, it took them five tries to get you a fifteen-inch monitor. Vidicon:  I shoulda seen how many tries it'd take for them to ship me a Merrimac. [crickets chirping] Spling:  Dude, if you're gonna drop one of those, you shouldn't oughtta do it indoors. Damn! Vidicon:  Eat me. You know damned well you'll try to use it the very next chance you get. ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. 00002 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 -- Beg-A-Thon break-in [26 Jul 2003|06:30pm] [ mood | chillin' ] ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. Vidicon:  On the tote-board so far: 27 sponsors, $720 (unofficial). Not much action since I last mentioned it, which kinda makes me think people might have better things to do with their Saturday nights than sitting in front of their web browsers hitting "reload". People other than me, at any rate. Thank God. Because otherwise I'd be worried. Spling:  We got a call boss! ... Telemarketer. Bastards are gonna be the first ones up against the wall ... [mutter mutter mutter mutter] Vidicon:  Read a book or something. Jeez. Don't be so tense. Webcam images are available. You can get still images here and HERE. Streaming images can be obtained here and HERE, if you are using Netscape or a Mozilla-based browser. You may also try these two links. The web-cam port is non-standard. If you are attempting to view through a firewall, you will need to open (or have someone open for you) port 9192. If you are not viewing through a firewall, you should consider finding one at some point. If you can see this picture, then odds are one of the above links will work for you: Mail me your favorite stills from the web cam (send to the address on my info page) and I will make an archive that will be accessible to those who can't get the live cam to work. The latest still for the archive can be found here. 00003 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|07:00pm] [ mood | enveloped ] Vidicon:  See? That's quite a bit more like it. The band is at least two hours late. [Vidicon idly turns the page of a newspaper.] Spling:  Mail call! Vidicon:  Jesus, Spling! Did you go out to the mailbox? What do you think the neighbors will think of a spiky floating bowling ball getting the mail? Spling:  I'm sorry. Did you want to go out to the street in your kilt? Which do you think would disturb the children more? [Vidicon shrugs.] Spling:  Yeah, whatever. You're welcome. You got something, by the way. Vidicon:  What? Spling:  [tosses an envelope onto Vid's desk] Open it. Vidicon:  [Opens the envelope, drags out a tiny scrap of cloth and a small slip of purple paper] There's not enough here to be a handkerchief. Elastic ... Well I'll be damned. Somebody mailed me a purple leopard-print thong. [holds it up for the camera] Spling:  Mother of God. What's the note say? Vidicon:  [reading] "Surprise! Someone on LJ thinks you're sexy! Post a Picture!" And then there's a little heart. Hmm. Incidental graphology says it's from a woman, fairly straightforward, self-confident. Probably has a name like "Darla" or some such. Spling:  I don't believe it! How do you do it? Vidicon:  I make shit up. Same as anybody else. Spling:  No, not the graphology, you twit. How do you get women to mail you underwear? Vidicon:  Maybe I just let on that I'm not wearing any from time to time and they offer it for free because I'm obviously poorer than dirt if I can't even afford drawers? This can't have cost much. I mean, it weighs like a dry sneeze... Spling:  So you're saying it's men's panties? Unworn? Vidicon:  That would be the size of it. Well, "medium" would be the size of it, actually. Although that's hard to imagine. This is like a slingshot for quarks. Sling:  Well then. You'll have to try 'em on for the camera. Vidicon:  Heh. We'll have to wait for the kiddies to go to sleep. No rush, though! The night's still young. We'll be right back, after this. 00006 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|07:30pm] [ mood | [censored] ] Spling:  Are you, um, feeling okay, boss? Vidicon:  [wriggling a bit in his seat] Well, I thought I would try on the little quark slingshot thingy. And I think, umm, my quarks are about a half-size larger than the quarks this slingshot is rated for.... Don't worry, though. It's nowhere near as uncomfortable as a kidney stone. The title is still yours. Spling:  Glad to hear it. Vidicon:  I swear, I could just give this a couple of twists and wear it as a [censored]. What was that beep? Spling:  [flipping a page in his own newspaper] Kiddies are still awake, boss. Can't mention shit like [censored]. Fucks with the little tykes' heads. Vidicon:  [sighs] It's a strange world we live in, Spling, when a grown man can't mention [censored] to his giant spiky floating kidney stone on the air without fear of censorship. I mean, CNN can show gen-u-wine live blowed-up dead Arabs, but I can't say fuckin' [censored]. It's a motherfuckin' travesty. We're lucky they don't bleep out "travesty", but I'm sure that's only because they don't know what it means. Spling:  That's weird. I think we ought to hear more bleeping than we're hearing. Let me try something. Vidicon:  Sure. Spling:  Gleet-gargling gibbons. Mother-fucker. [censored]. Travesty. [censored]. Hmm. Found another one. Vidicon:  Well? What is it? Spling:  [censored]. Bugger. Vidicon:  Well it's not "bugger". I can't make it out over the bleeping sound. Spling:  [censored]. Dammit! Vidicon:  No good. Spell it, maybe? Spling:  I'll try it. [ c e n s o r e d ]. Fuck. Vidicon:  No worries. I'm sure I'll stumble across it eventually. Spling:  How will you ever know if it's the same one? Vidicon:  [sighs] Fucked up world. ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. 00002 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|08:00pm] [ mood | covering ] Vidicon:  I heard from 31 FLAVOuRS again. It seems the tracks they're laying down are stoopid hyooge, which, in the realm of digital media, means Really High Quality. That also means there's some lab-grade compression going on right now. Shouldn't be much longer. Spling:  Boo-[censored]-yah! Vidicon:  [glaring] Must you? Spling:  Heh heh. [censored] my [censored], you [censored]! [Vidicon sighs.] Spling:  [censored]! [censored]! Vidicon:  Everyone's gotta have a hobby. ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. 00001 billion served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|08:30pm] [ mood | leary ] Titus:  What can you say, there, Tybalt. I think we peaked early. Tybalt:  So you say. We haven't done the nudity bit yet. Titus:  Not speaking for yourself, I should point out. Being a kidney stone, you've lacked clothing for the entire show. Riki Moai was naked after he took off his sunglasses. Jet, imaginary buffing cloth notwithstanding, was completely nude. In fact— Tybalt:  Three down, one to go, your lordship. Titus:  You're learing. Cut it out. Tybalt:  Jesus. Did you mean to do that? Titus:  Sorry. It just slipped out. Tybalt:  I'll open another window. Titus:  Careful. We don't want to crash the editing station again. Tybalt:  [casually] Say, what happened with that folding chair? Titus:  Next up: Brand spankin' new audio-visual treats from 31 FLAVOuRS! Right after this! ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. 00002 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|09:00pm] [ mood | smurfy ] Spling:  [hanging up the phone] That was the censors. [censored] is still a no-go, but it seems we can say "smurf" all we want now. Vidicon:  Smurf. Hunh. I have to say it's nowhere near as funny now that it's not being bleeped out. Smurfity smurf. What was the story, anyway? Spling:  It's a region-by-region thing. [censored] is out because we live in a community where things like [censored] are considered to be obscene. But "mothafucka" is okay, because it's largely the kind of neighborhood where that gets flung around in front of the children all the time.... Vidicon:  Smurfy. I think I get it. What about "smurf", though? Spling:  It wasn't an obscenity thing. At least, not in the same way as [censored] or [censored] or [censored]. See, it's a racial slur.... Vidicon:  You're fuckin' kidding me. Spling:  I wish. Seems there was this guy at the end of the block you live on, down by Tulip, who was a Celtic dwarf-type-guy, kind of a traditionalist, culturally and religiously. Vidicon:  Jesus God. I think I get it. Poor bastard. The eighties must have sucked for him big-time.... So what happened? Did he convert to Christianity or something? Spling:  Umm. Nope. He's dead. Died a couple years ago. Vidicon:  How— Spling:  [twitching slightly] Don't ask. Vidicon:  No. Seriously. Spling:  [sighing] Killed and eaten by a house cat. Just goes to show. Vidicon:  Motherfucker. Spling:  Amen. 00005 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 -- Beg-A-Thon break-in [26 Jul 2003|09:30pm] [ mood | restful ] ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. Vidicon:  On the tote-board so far: 27 sponsors, $720 (unofficial). That means ZERO ACTION in quite some time. Not that I'm not grateful for what I've managed to wrangle for cancer research so far. I was hoping for a grand, but I was expecting maybe $20. You know how it is. Webcam images are available. You can get still images here and HERE. Streaming images can be obtained here and HERE, if you are using Netscape or a Mozilla-based browser. You may also try these two links. The web-cam port is non-standard. If you are attempting to view through a firewall, you will need to open (or have someone open for you) port 9192. If you are not viewing through a firewall, you should consider finding one at some point. If you can see this picture, then odds are one of the above links will work for you: Mail me your favorite stills from the web cam (send to the address on my info page) and I will make an archive that will be accessible to those who can't get the live cam to work. The latest still for the archive can be found here. Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|10:00pm] [ mood | supplementary ] Vidicon:  Hey, it's ten o'clock over here on the East Coast. That means the half-way point snuck past us an hour ago! [audience cheers] Vidicon:  For the sake of our viewers at home, I think I should mention the studio audience isn't cheering the fact that we passed the half-way point. The monitors over the stage are showing some stupid hockey game or other. [Audience boos and hisses. There's the distinct sound of a paper cup hitting the stage and spinning around.] Spling:  I'm missing the game for this? What the hell was I thinking? Vidicon:  Don't sweat it, dude. The networks will be playing the highlights for the next twenty-four hours. If you see one of those segments, you can pretend to your buddies around the water cooler that you got tickets. Like you always do. Spling:  True enough. It's not like it's tough to snow a rectal polyp or a gall stone. It's always hard to get one past the brain tumor though. Vidicon:  So get Mr. Appendix to fill you in. The Appendix has all the extra info you're missing. [spectacular silence] Spling:  I can't believe we went there. Vidicon:  Sorry. It was in the script. Spling:  There ought to be a law. 00002 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|10:30pm] [ mood | stanky ] Vidicon:  So, Jet, how's that next batch going? Jet:  That depends. Are you going to threaten to yank my cord out of my socket again? Spling:  Yeah, dude. That wasn't exactly cool. Vidicon:  Give me a break. You want to see the transcript again? You guys were out of hand! [murmurs from audience] Spling:  Yeah, man, but you could have been nicer. I mean, you totally busted on poor Riki because he called you "Viddy". What the smurf was up with that? Vidicon:  Come on! You saw how he was acting! Puck is a classic Shakespeare character! Spling:  You're totally trippin' dude. You had it in for him from the beginning. You know how totally straight Riki is, yet you made him play a fairy! What did you expect? [Jet gurgles and screeches like a live pig being taken apart by an electric hedge trimmer] Vidicon:  Okay, dude. That one was totally you this time. I had nothing to do with that. Spling:  Just trying to even the score, that's all. ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|11:00pm] [ mood | sexy drunk ] Vidicon:  It's getting' to be about that time.... audience, in chorus:  What time is that, Uncle Vidicon? Vidicon:  Time to put the kiddies to bed! And you know what happens after that, right? audience, in chorus:  What? Vidicon:  We pass around the bottle and pop an old porn tape in the VCR! audience, in chorus:  YAAY! Vidicon:  I don't know why you're shouting. The porn gets you going, but the booze puts you out on the linoleum. Or the carpet. Or whatever. Anyway, it's a stupid combination. You should choose one or the other. So what's it gonna be? left half of audience:  BOOZE! right half of audience:  SEX! left half of audience:  BOOZE! right half of audience:  SEX [repeat until it gets boring] Vidicon:  I love my job. SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?! ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. 000019 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

Blogathon 2003 [26 Jul 2003|11:30pm] [ mood | score! (okay, maybe not yet...) ] Vidicon:  You got me. It's true. We paid all those people to say "booze". Because there's really no contest.... [audience cheers] Vidicon:  Here's the rules: Everyone out there who has a partner (or who simply wants to kill a kitten), post a comment here when you score (anonymous comments okay). It should say something like, "Score!" or some smurf. Okay? Nod if you got it. [audience nods] Vidicon:  If you're not scoring or killing kittens, you have to consume some sort of tasty beverage. Whenever you see a post or comment go by that says "score!" you have to drink. You have to drink twice if somebody posts photographic evidence. Ready? Good! [audience cheers] Vidicon:  Great! Go to it! ADVERTISEMENT: Sponsor me in the Blogathon and help out the Association for International Cancer Research. Details here. I'll probably be switching to the old (non-portable) web cam system in about half an hour or so. 000010 billions served -- Would you like fries with that?

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