Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in verbenamage75's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Saturday, November 10th, 2007
3:21 am	Echoes from the past Part 2 I don't know if it's part of the conditioning of whoever it is that gave us these powers or just out of habit, but the moment the sun is down below the horizon, I wake up.  I hate waking up.  It's a torturous event that I have to go through because each time, I have to wake up seeing one of them standing in the room, looking down at me.  Tonight it's worse than usual because it's Kirsten.  She's standing there with her hair braided in the back like she used to wear it before going out on the hunt.  She's smiling, which is something she didn't do much of back when she was alive.  I hear words, I think.  I don't see her lips move, but I can hear her voice.  Like a distant song that I can only just barely grasp at the melody before it's gone again.  I try not to become emotional, but when one of them is near me, it's hard not to be.  I'm sure they find that amusing.  Me, who rarely ever showed any emotion beyond annoyance or anger, now brought to the brink of tears looking at them when they're dead and gone.  Maybe it's their way of punishing me for not being there to protect them when they were alive.  She's talking to me.  Telling me it's time to move on.  Time to find a new area to continue my work.  I prepare to move out once I manage to get out of bed.  I pack my few things I keep with me when it's not in the trunk of my buick LeSabre.  My shotgun (George's) my sidearm (Greg's) and my change of clothes.  The car is where I left it, undisturbed.  I take a quick look around with the Sight to make sure there's no enemies around.  Nothing.  I'm lucky this time.  I put the guns back in the trunk with the rest of my weaponry.  the five semi-automatic pistols, the pump shotgun, the can of mace, the flashlight, The three swords (One of them was Kirstin's) attached to the underside of the trunks door, and the boxes of ammo, including the dragonsbreath.  Don't ask how I got it.  If a gang of thugs were to try to jump me, I'd have enough firepower to take them all down in under 30 seconds.  I'm almost disturbed that I'm already planning the attack out in my head as I'm thinking about it.  But, there is no attack from that front tonight. No.  The only demons I need to fight are my own.  The moment I slide in behind the wheel, I see Seth sitting in the passenger seat.  He's always along for the ride.  He starts talking the instant I start up the engine. "You need to go to Indiana," He says so matter-of-factly. I don't respond.  I just nod.  I'm afraid of what I'll say.  He never mentions the past and I prefer it that way.  I start to drive out of upstate New York, headed west.  I didn't ask what city, but in a way, I know I'll see the signs when I get there.  Just like the last time and all the times before that.  Just as I work up the courage to say something to him, I turn my head and he is gone.  I don't know if it's his ghost or if the Messengers are just screwing with my head.  I also discover that I don't care.  There's too much to think about and all of it is a waste of time, so I just drive, keeping to the speed limit because I don't want any cops stopping me.  The last thing I need them to see if what's in my trunk.  Doubtful I'd be able to explain the guns much less the swords.  As I drive, I think back to the days in Common Grounds, the cafe George owned and operated.  I remember how I came there, near pennyless with no job and no longer able to attend classes because the stress of the hunt was already wearing on me.  He noticed my less than stellar demeanor and sat down with me.  I expected him to talk about nothing in particular and work into the real conversation.  I was a little surprised when he started right in, asking me what I'd seen and what I knew.  I reluctantly told him even though a part of me wished I hadn't.  It's in my nature to distrust people regardless of knowing that they are fellow hunters.  I want that distance from me and them so that I don't get too involved in their lives.  I don't want to care.  I just want to do what needs to be done and move on.  George, I guess figured that out pretty quick and wouldn't let me go.  He finally asked about what I was doing for a job and such.  When I told him I didn't have any money or a job, he offered to let me work there at the cafe.  I made some biting remark about not doing dishes, but he just waved it off.  He told me he knew what it was like without a stable life.  So, I guess that's how it started.  I already knew Greg up to that point, but the others were soon to follow into my life. Now that I think back to how it all came about, George most likely saved my life when he took me in.  I wouldn't have lasted long if I hadn't had that place to rely on as even a cover for a normal life.  We all want a normal life, but in our line, normal is something we can never expect to see again.  Oh, it may almost seem normal at first.  But, the longer you're doing this, the more it takes over your life until it's all you're doing.  It's a cumpulsion that you can't ignore.  The need to go back out and fight against the evil around you, even if it means your life.  You can't escape from it.  I know.  I tried.  I ended up in new england helping out a new group that had just come into the truth.  I drive for hours, passing through town after town.  Long stretches of interstate that seem to go on forever.  I cross into Indiana, wondering to myself when was the last time I was here.  It doesn't matter.  Maybe I'll be lucky and this will be the place where my long journey will end.  I hope so.  I don't want to sound self-destructive, but to be honest, I'm just tired.  I'm tired of going on in this life.  I want to stop, but the urge is too great to ignore.  Somedays when I find a leech or a skin changer, I almost hope they'll take me down.  Hoping I make a mistake somewhere that they can exploit and end my life so that I can move on to join the others.  But, I don't make mistakes.  Not anymore. I see the sign.  Not a sign anyone else would notice.  I see the sign for help scrawled across an exit sign.  I take the exit, not knowing or caring where it is I'm at.  The sun is beginning to rise.  I know whatever help that's needed by whoever left that sign will have to wait another night.  Right now, I need to lay down and rest.  I find the nearest hotel, stop, grab a pistol and shove it in the pocket of my jacket before heading in to get a room.  It's not necessary, but you never know.  I checkout the desk clerk as I'm talking to him.  He's clean.  I get my keys and park and lock the car before heading up to my room. I walk in, and I know I'm in the right spot.  There's George in the room, waiting for me.  He just looks and me and nods his approval before I brush past him and get cleaned up before laying down.  By the time I head to the bathroom, he's gone.  I lay my head down just as the alarm clock next to me says 7 o'clock. I have the shades closed so no light comes into the room.  I've learned to hate the sun in this line of work.  I turn on my side and start to fall asleep but just before sleep takes me, I can smell Kirsten, snuggled up against me with her knee in my back like she used to.  That puts me to sleep instantly. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 8th, 2007
3:30 am	Echoes of the past, Part 1 My name is William Anthony Rawson.  People call me Will.  I would say that my friends call me Will, if I had any but I don't. I should start this off by telling whoever reads this that I don't normally do this.  I don't like writing anything down.  I think it's for the weak and the sentimental.  But, I remind myself that I'm not doing this for me.  I'm writing this for those who went before me.  I owe them that much. To start, I guess it is only proper by telling you how I got involved with all this.  I was a quiet child growing up.  An only child from parents determined for perfection in their only son.  They demanded much from me in regards to schooling.  Good grades.  That's what they wanted from me.  They didn't care much about me having a social life, so most of the things people grow up learning, I was left wanting.  Out of rebellion or just because it's in my nature, I learned to keep my emotions to myself.  I learned to feel nothing and to expect nothing from them any anyone else.  I hated the world because everyone was so happy, except me.   When the time came for me to go off to college, I took it upon myself to find somewhere away from my parents and that life I lived with them.  I wanted no part of their quest for perfection which dissapointed them to no end.  Their dissapointment was my private delight.  To hear my father rant about how I was going to amount to nothing for going to a small campus with little accolades was the most satisfying feeling I had ever felt up to that point.  So, with a stony gaze and a short goodbye, I left and moved to a city in Georgia known as New Bremen.  There, my life changed forever. To say I recieved an education would be an understatement, though it was not the education I had expected.  What I did learn was that the world I lived in was a lie.  Not the easy lie of seeing homeless on the street or rampant drug use.  No, what I learned in that place was that there was indeed a boogyman and he didn't just want to scare me or hurt me.  He wanted to kill me.  And there was more.  There are monsters out there in the dark places of the world.  Monsters with claws and fangs, waiting patiently for the unsuspecting to fall into their traps to be eaten alive and sacrificed on alters to demons and dark entities which have no names.  Yes, there are creatures out there in the night who want to feast on your blood and tear you limb from limb.  All this and move was revealed to me.  It's a wonder I did not lose my sanity in the first few moments of that revelation.  But forces I never knew existed were with me and helped me battle the evil I saw before me.  I don't know why I did it.  I cared nothing for the world at that point, and the sickening evil before me was more intent on killing the helpless old woman in front of me in that quiet night in the market.  Yet something inside me woke up and made me want to help her.  Was it these unknown gods who gifted me?  Was it just my inner self coming out of it's shell I had constructed years ago?  I'll never be sure, but I am sure that on that night, I stood up to evil and evil could not face me.  I can't remember if I killed it (there have been so many deaths attributed to these hands, there is no way I can remember them all) but I do know that I kept the innocent woman from harms way that night.  Odds are she became a casualty some other night. Gifted, yes. Powers I never knew existed where my to command.  But there was a price.  A heavy price to pay for this power and while I didn't know it at the time, the price was yet to be paid.  My awakening also opened another long forgotten door to my life.  For the first time ever, I met people and they accepted me into their ranks.  I had never felt accepted before.  People usually just ignored me and those who I felt got too close could be easily turned away with a biting comment or a baleful glare.  Not these people, though.  They knew me.  They understood me.   And, despite my best efforts, I came to rely on them.  Within a years time, I learned to care for them as much as they cared for me. Emma.  Sweet Emma.  So gentle, yet full of strength that she could never see within herself.  She was the first of many who took me in and helped me to understand this new world I found myself thrust into.  Greg.  I honestly never understood the concept of love until I met him and found myself attached to him.  He was like the brother I never knew I wanted so badly in my life.  I wanted his respect and his approval.  No, I needed it.  The idea of dissapointing him became a painful sensation that I was loathe to experience.  Seth.  I never understood why he so looked up to me.  I never felt worthy of that kind of attention.  His constant questions and his personality grew on me and I couldn't see how I had spent years without someone like him in my life.  George.  Who I respected and admired and always hoped he felt the same way towards me.  I never told him how grateful I was for his help.  And Kirsten.  My love.  I can close my eyes and still smell her hair and see her smile.  Sometimes I can even feel her arms wrapped around me and still I cannot help but wonder how it came to be that I would fall so helplessly in love with one person.  Yet I did and I do not regret it.  So many faces.  So many names.  All of them, gone now.  All gone. I hold the memory of those times close to my heart.  So close, I do not let anyone else see them.  But now, I want the world to know and all those who will come after me when I breathe my last that these were good people!  People who loved so much that they taught this blind man how to see.  I think of them and I become angry.  I am angry at the cruel twist of fate how the darkness in some strange way, gave me this wonderful life with these wonderful people, and at the same time took it away from me, leaving me alone in the darkness.   Alone.  But not giving up.   I wonder if the madness has started within me.  The same madness that took Greg and took the others one way or another.  It doesn't matter.  They're all dead now.  They left me alone to fight this never ending battle.  To die without them.  I buried my wife, my best friend, and my brother all in the same day.   Cut down by the madness that takes us all eventually.  Kirsten and Seth were unlucky.  They didn't know Greg was as far gone as he'd become.  A part of me wishes I had never gone back to New Bremen after my rescue in New Orleans.  Perhaps it would have been better had I died there instead of having to live this hell I was abandoned in.  I don't blame Greg.  I blame the nameless ones that gave us these powers and the truth that became too much to bare.  It may have been his hand that dealt the killing blow to my wife and my friend, but it was the madness inside him.  Not Greg.   Not the Greg I knew.  The Greg I knew was the one that I hunted down, confronted and, in a final moment of sanity, handed me his gun and said his final words.  Words I will never forget, even after death.  "You know what you need to do." I knew.  Even if I didn't want to do it, I knew.  The shake in my hands betrayed my feelings of sorrow and loss as I raised the gun to his head.  I remember the complete silence of the moment as if even the gods held their breath.  The silence that I broke with the thunder of a prized gun that he gifted to me in that final moment of his life.  I loved him like a brother.  And it was right that I gave him the release he so desperately needed. Now, I hunt alone.  Finding the rots and the demons hiding in the crowds.  I seperate them and dispatch them with no passion to my work.  It's what I do.  I am a hunter.  I hunt.  I deal death to the evils of the world in the hopes that I can make this world I once cared nothing for a better place. My name is William Anthony Rawson.  I will be dead before I am 28. (Authors note: I did this more to just remind myself of this character since I've been drafted into guest starring in someone's hunter game and they want Will there to help the newbies.  I needed to backtrack and get myself back into the mindset of who Will is and what he's been though.  As an aside, I thought some of you may enjoy hearing it.  There'll be more coming soon, though.  I have a lot to keep up with.) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 18th, 2007
1:23 am	Well, the weekend went surprisingly well.  I had a great time at the Faire.  Got to see a lot of friends I hadn't seen in quite awhile.  I think the best was seeing Kip and Davey.  I think the best part was that I didn't run into anyone I didn't want to.   Well, I did run into one person, but it was a necessity because I had to find some way to keep him from the kids.   That, in itself was the best part of all.  Being able to spend time at the Ren Faire with the kids.  Yes, I spoiled them far too much, but they were worth it.  Alex got to throw axes Perrin conned me into buying him a few things, and Darcy was just her sweet little self.  Also got to see Davey's son that I hadn't seen in over a year.  Talk about someone's very own Mini-Me... Yeah, definate good times had by all.  Next year I'll plan a little better and get one of the days off so we can make it a family event. Other than that, things are going just as well as can be expected.  I'm still weighing options for vacation this summer.  Thinking either Florida in the Orlando or Ft. Lauderdale area's, or Atlanta.  Probably not gonig to hit New York yet because there's no point if Jason's so hell bent on moving back to Seattle.  If anyone's terribly upset that I haven't posted on here in forever (and I doubt there is anyone that cares all that much) it's because I'm doing most of my blogging on myspace now.  I keep it about as open as I do here.  Folks wonder why I don't do private entries or anything like that, but I figure I don't have anything to hide and if someone's particularly offended by anything I have to say, well they can either say it to my face, email or sit there and grumble.  I don't care really which way they go about it.   Yeah.  Life is good. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
9:22 pm	So, now we have double postings for blogs.  I'm honestly not sure what I want to do with this myspace crap.  Finally found a real friend on there, although it took me a second because no one informed me he suddenly decided to grow some odd looking thing on his upper lip.  That and the first few friends requests I got were roaming adds with scanks in the pictures.  Like I don't have enough problems with scanks already and these were trying to get me to buy a new cellphone. So, yeah, going to work tonight.  I hate it.  I'll live. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 2nd, 2007
9:10 pm	Are you happy now?! (Comment on this)
Friday, June 1st, 2007
8:33 pm	So, with my trip to New York suddenly cancelled, I haven't had much to do.  So, I'm getting drunk.  Probably for most of the time that I'm off.  Last night I spent the night with Meagan and Zach drinking.  AT A STRAIGHT BAR EVEN!  We had a good time and there was some nice eye candy to be had.  I ended up home (somehow) and passed out on my bed around midnight.  I don't know how it happened, but "someone" put me to bed.  Never say a spirit guide is no good.  They take care of your when you're drunk. So, I'm here at Buddies (my favorite bar) and I'm gonna probably get shit faced again tonight.  And probably tomorrow and the next night because obviously other people have plans that don't include me.  Oh well.  Fuck them. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 31st, 2007
5:58 am	So, I have one hour of work left for the week.  After that, I'm off for five days. And I have nothing to do. I've made some tentative plans for Friday night to go out with Meagan, but you never know what could happen between now and then.  I have a feeling I'm going to be spending most of the time this weekend doing nothing at all and that's gonna suck.  Of course, the reason for this sudden suckiness in my life is because I had plans to go to Syracuse, but my friend Jason called and said his stuff wouldn't get there until after I was gone so there was no real reason for me to go out there since we wouldn't have anything to do other than sit in his empty appartment.  I figured I'd save myself the money and wait until later in the summer before going out there for a real vacation.   So, here I'll be sitting with nothing to do alone until I go so crazy from boredom, I end up going out to the bar by myself because that's how I just know it's going to go down. Somedays life just sucks. It's Thursday, though, and there might be some sudden development in Washington that'll get my attention and give me something new to rant on here about.  It's been nearly two months so some new scandal should be coming out of the White House any minute now.  Has anyone else noticed there's been an unusual high number of genuine scandals coming out of this administration compared to most of the past ones?  I mean, sure we had Monica and White Water last time (both of which amounted to a whole lotta nothin) and there was Iran Contra for Reagan, but if you look at it, Bush has managed to out distance just about everyone short of Ulysses Grant in the drama department.  I mention Grant just because he was just about the worst drunk in the Oval Office in history and there was a pretty big to do then about some money laundering or embezlement.  Don't remember much about it past Grant's secretary getting hauled up to Congress. Eh.  Anyway, back to work.  50 minutes to go. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
3:23 am	I'm more or less a wuss for not writing this and sending it to The Witches Voice website but, what I'm about to say could be viewed by some as somewhat religiously intolerant and I wouldn't want that to bring a negative air to other people.  So, instead, I'll put it here so I can immortalize it and no one can blame me, but they can surely flame me in my inbox. So, I was on the site and read an essay from a woman in Indiana about how she was raised Christian and that somehow, Jesus had led her to being a pagan. But she still prays to Jesus, seemingly exclusively. Does anyone else but me see a problem with that kind of thinking?  In my eyes, Christianity, while a good religion on paper, it's still a monotheistic religion that teaches there is only one God and he is God and he gave his son Jesus to die on a cross for all our sins.  Incidentally, that never made sense to me.  Out of all the ways possible for a deity to forgive the sins of humanity, past, present, and future, the last way I would have come up with would be creating a child within the womb of a virgin only for him to grow up thirty-two years later just to be killed in an ugly and barbaric fashion.  If God is so all powerful, I would think just sending an angel to make a proclamation would suffice.  "Hey, ya'll.  God says he forgives you for bein stupid."  One would think that would have caused less misunderstanding and would have stopped a lot of potential suffering.  Or, it would have just turned humanity into murderous thugs bent on world domination until they eventually killed themselves off in some spectacular and insane manner.  Oh, wait.  We are, for the most part. And let's not forget the driving point of Christianity: This is the one and only way to salvation.  Once all of us figure which way that is exactly.  That was my other main problem with the religion as a whole.  How can one group profess that their way is the only way and everyone else is wrong INCLUDING OTHER CHRISTIANS?!  How fucked up is that?  I'll never be able to make heads or tails of that and frankly, I still spend a few hours a year trying to make sense of it all.  The only conclusion I have been able to come up with that makes any kind of sense is that it was all a great big lie to begin with and people were just using it as a form of fear to control large portions of a given populous and it just worked so well it turned into a monster. Paganism in contrast isn't about sin being forgiven.  It's about facing up to your crimes and recieving the punishment you deserve.  There's no waiting for the most part.  Eventually, we all pay for our sins.  There is no forgiveness but from those around us.  It's about not sinning to begin with.  Not being selfish and being helpful and loving to those who even don't seemingly deserve that love.  It's about worshiping, not a god, but the creation of the gods as a whole and in that way, you worship your gods and they find favor in you.  Earlier today, I caught my puppy playing wtih something that had wings and was flapping around on the ground.  After I called Buddy to me and got him away from it, I found he'd somehow injured a bird.  Now, animals are animals and it's the nature of them all to hunt, kill, and eat animals smaller than them.  That's just how it's supposed to be.  But, seeing as Buddy has no real need to hunt and kill in order to eat, I didn't want him killing it just for the fun of it.  So, I took it upon myself to sit there with the bird (the poor thing was practically flat on it's back and really messed up, but otherwise unharmed) and give it time to regain it's strength until it was able fly again.  In doing so, I hope I made Artemis smile.  She likes it when we don't needlessly kill wild animals.  I don't expect anything in return for what I did.  It was just the right thing to do. That in and of itself made it worth doing. Of course, knowing the universe as I do, something will happen that show me the gods favor on me for that small act of kindness.  It happens all the time.  If you ever really stop and think about it and analyse the things you've done and the outcomes and the aftermath, you'll see the patterns to.   Selfishness is what get's us all in trouble.  Excessive selfishness is what causes us to go through a cycle when life seems to be less than enjoyable.  Yes, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and bad things just happen for no reason.  That's the nature of life.  But, I firmly believe that it's all for a bigger purpose than we can see at the time.  Part of my faith is knowing that the gods have a plan for me.  I have a destiny.  I don't know what it is.  I'll probably never know until I meet Death.  But, that doesn't mean I blow it off.  Everything happens for a reason so when my friends call me with bad news in their lives, I try to tell them that things will get better because they will.  They always do and they just need to hang on a little longer.  Yes, I will mention them in a prayer soon after they call.  It's the least I can do, but I also know it's not in my hands.   I could go on for hours about the concept of negative moments in our lives, but you get the general idea.  The only other thing I will say about the bad times we face would be to say that if we didn't have bad times in our lives how would be be able to truely enjoy the good ones?  Life is happiness and suffering, pain, joy, depression, laughter and tears.  All of it.  If you're only seeing one side of it, then in my very humble opinion, you're not living life at all and you need to calm down and really look at things. Christianity and Paganism aren't interchangable.  They are two seperate belief systems.  Those who try to merge the two are just kidding themselves.  You're not going to be fully accepted into either faith if you don't stop sitting on the fence and choose one.  I don't proselytize for that reason because the decision should be yours to make and not mine or anyone elses.  Yes, religion is a good thing and I always feel somewhat compassionate towards those who have no faith.  Even when it's staring right at them, waiting to take their hand.  (Comment on this)
12:23 am	I am SO moving to Australia.  Ok.  Probably not, but wouldn't it be fun if I did!? (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 27th, 2007
4:32 am	Something happened tonight, which I am not going to go into great detail about.  All I'm going to say is that I got caught off guard and now my mind refuses to focus.   Damn Fate. I'll meditate when I get home and hopefully I'll get my head straightened out.  That, or I'll watch football.  That always makes me feel better.  And if you're wondering, yes, I have three of the Colts' playoff games recorded so I can watch them anytime I want. (Comment on this)
1:34 am	Just as an FYI because there are some people who keep on me about this, yes, there is a comment section to my journal; it's called my email address. That said, on with the bitching. Vice President Dick Cheny was at West Point Saturday giving a speech to this years graduating class. With the amount of respect I have for our officers, I hope each and every one of them remembered through his speech that when it came time for him to serve his country back during Vietnam, he defered because he had, "Other priorities."  What were those priorities?  According to him it was family in nature.  If you ask me, his other priorities involved him keeping his ass attached to the rest of his body.  Other married men went there and fought, but apparantly, it was just too much to ask of him.  And now, fourty years or more later, he's telling other boys to go out, fight and die for their country.  Here's a direct quote from the Associated Press news release: He received standing ovations before and after he spoke to a crowd of about 20,000. To the emerging Army second lieutenants, Cheney appealed for them to defend freedom against those who would destroy it and carry forward the academy’s values of duty, honor and country. Duty.  Honor.  Country.  Three things Mr. Cheney never gave a damn about until six years ago.  Unless you count his duty while he was the Wyoming congressman who was constantly trying to cut funds to welfare, unemployment benefits, farmers, working poor and anyone else that wasn't in his tax bracket so he could lower the taxes for those making millions of dollars a year.  I think, with all that said, we can safely say he lacks honor too.  And, as for Country, well when this country told those who consorted with terrorists that we wouldn't bring American businesses their way (like the Taliban government of Afgahnistan for example) back in the 90's when he was CEO of Haliburton, he didn't seem to mind breaking said law and pushing for contracts to develop pipelines going through Afgahnistan so he could get a big fat bonus from his bosses on the Haliburton Board of Directors.  Yup, that's red whit and blue if I ever saw it. This man is anything but what he tries to make himself out to be.  His daughter just had a child (out of wedlock no less) with her lesbian partner.  The press picture of the new baby (A boy, btw) was of Proud Grandpa and Grandma Cheney, instead of the childs mother and partner.  I smell horse shit and I'm just saying that because he's from Wyoming where I've heard horse shit is everywhere.  If you get a chance, read the AP report here.  Honestly, I'm just disgusted with the people like him who claim to serve this country and end up only serving roughly 2% of it (Read: Those who's anual salaries are in excess of $1,000,000 a year.) Happy Memorial Day. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 25th, 2007
2:05 am	Ok.  I've calmed down since last night and given this whole Iraq war bill spending some serious thought.  And, after reading Jonathan Alter's editorial I can forgive the Dem's for giving into the White House and continuing this entire mess.  Another kid in the area is being brought home in a casket too this week.  He was killed Tuesday in Iraq.  Only 21 years old and had a three year old daughter.  How sad is that? While the Dem's run the Congress, they can't do everything they want.  They can only do so much until they have a veto-proof majority and that's gonna take another election.  So, for those liberals who are ready to spit nails because they think the Dem's caved, just remember this wasn't about some abstract idea of terrorism and pie graphs and maps with dots on them.  It's about the people we have there who are fighting for us, no matter how questionable that phrase may be for some people reading this.  No matter what you think they're fighting for, in their eyes they are fighting for us and they deserve our support.  And our support means we need to keep funding them until we have an executive who will pull the plug on the war and bring them home to the hero's welcome they so richly deserve. Yes, there are going to be deaths between now and then and that's the truely sad part.  More American soldiers are going to die every day between now and whenever and each time it happens someone is going to lose something precious.  Parents are never going to get to see their children one more time.  Children are going to have to grow up content with just hearing stories about parents they never knew and wonder what could have been.  Friendships will end and words will be left unspoken.  Wives and husbands will lay in empty beds desperate to hear or feel or smell the presence of someone who meant more to them than life itself while putting on brave fronts to the rest of the world. All that and more is what we will be looking forward to and as supporters of our troops, we should remember the greatest sacrifice they are going to be making for us.  I think an emergency spending bill is the least we can do for them. Bright Blessings to all of you. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 24th, 2007
3:27 am	Keith Olberman, you are my hero. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 20th, 2007
9:37 pm	Had a good night last night going out with friends and just being silly.  I couldn't help but think that some of them were treating me differently since how I had chosen to spend my free time earlier in the week.  They seem to think that I'm working on restarting some sort of indepth relationship with Larry which isn't true.  Tom put it best yesterday afternoon when he said he saw it more or less as if Larry and I had just started over more than continued on with what was in our past.   For the most part, that's where Larry lives now, in my past.  I can't really see how he and I would start any kind of relationship other than just being friends with the distance between us.  I've never been into the long-distance thing and any time I've attempted it, it's gone rather bad.  It's best right now just to keep things where they are.  Knowing how life works, within a year or so, we'll lose track of each other and what's left will be nothing more than a memory by next summer.  We'll probably think about each other, but never mention it out loud to anyone.  That's how things like this die out.  Within its own silence. Oh, I'll always love him.  I've loved him since the day I first met him and will continue to love him to whenever the universe comes to an end.  Some things never go away no matter how long you ignore them.   But, anyway, I need to explain a few things to people and what the point to all this is and why I seem so adamant about not persuing a relationship at this time.  Right now just isn't the time, for one.  He's way too busy and I'm too busy and we're really just going in opposite directions at this point.  Some readers may remember my first post about Larry on here from years ago.  That was awhile ago and it was also written back when I wasn't all that secure in myself and, to be honest, I did feel a small amount of bitterness about the whole thing.  One of the sticking points with Larry these days is that I get the impression from him that I'm still the same person I was ten years ago.  I most certainly as not.  For one, I have a lot more self-confidence than I did back then.  The doubts and lack of self-esteem problems I faced silently for years has been resolved.  Not gone, mind you, just resolved.  I still have problems with rejection to a degree and It'll be a miracle if I manage to have a solid, permanent relationship with someone in the future. I always feel as if the gods are pushing me in a certain direction which I'm not entirely aware of.  For all I know, it could lead right back to where I started, which would make this all quite comical.  But I highly doubt it.  And I don't expect it.  I told Larry to call me every once in awhile just so I know he's doing all right.  I know he'll never call, though.  He'll say he's too busy or whatever.  And, if so, that'll just prove my point.  We've grown apart and have moved on to other things.  I'm already coming to accept the possiblity that I've probably seen him for the last time and while it hurts a little to think of it that way, it's ok.  Things are the way they are for a reason even if we can't always see that reason.  That's how the gods made the world and that's how it's going to be.   In the meantime, I have things to do.  Plans to make and a future of my own to build, alone. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 17th, 2007
12:57 am	I over slept by about half an hour tonight which caused me to be ten minutes late for work.  Highly uncommon for me.  I got my days off and my hotel room ready for my trip to New York (Syracuse for those who care) now I just need to tell Mom.   Oh, I know she'll throw a fit, but that's something she'd do no matter what so I may as well just tell her and get it over with.  Not like she'll be alone anyway.  Besides, it's a vacation.  She can't tell me I can't take a vacation.   I'm looking forward to this.  I enjoy spending time with Jason and I'm glad I get to go to yet a new part of the country.  I leave the morning of the 31st right after work.  Yeah, it's gonna be a long day. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 16th, 2007
6:51 pm	Last night I got a message from Larry that he was in town.  So I picked him up at his mom's and we went downtown for awhile just to hang out and talk.  To clarify any misunderstandings, no we didn't talk about "us" or the existance of an "us."  Since we're both gutless idiots neither of us wants to approach that subject for reasons which I couldn't begin to explain much less understand.  For the most part we just talked about our futures and where we're headed in life.  Quite and interesting discussion and a not entirely unenjoyable one at that.  We played pool (he kicked my ass) and we played songs on the jukebox.  Songs we've recently heard and songs from our past that hold meaning to us.  I honestly can't remember when I had more fun going out and just enjoying someone's company, but then again I've almost always had fun with him whenever we were getting along.  I realized at some point in the night that I'd missed so much with him.  No.  I didn't miss it.  I wasted it.  All those years I could have kept in touch with him, gone out with him, done my best to keep him out of trouble (a herculean task) I kept to myself and for the most part ignored the world around him, telling myself that I wasn't wanted or that I didn't want to get in the way or any of a thousand different excuses I came up with over the years.  I realized what a coward I'd been and how stupid and selfish I'd been.  The real reason why I didn't want to be around him was because I didn't want to face the fact that he could be happy with someone other than me.  Regardless of that or any other feelings I've had towards him over the years, the truth is that I do want him to be happy.  That's why, when he told me to my face that once he graduates he has no plans on moving back again, I was affected by an intense pain in my chest which I skillfully covered with a broad smile.  He'll stay down in Florida and more than likely within a few years I'll never hear from him again.  I guess the reason why it hurt hearing him say that was that I saw in his eyes his determination to attain his goals.  I know that when he get's in that mood, nothing short of divine intervention can stop him. And you know what?  Even as much as it hurt, knowing that his mind is set and this is how it's going to be, I couldn't have been happier for him.  He's gotten his shit together and he's moving his life forward.  It's what I had been hoping for for awhile now and I'm glad that he's doing this and doing it well.  We talked about Meagan and I going to Florida for his birthday, but because he had to make this emergency trip up here, he's not going to have any free time at all until sometime around October.  I let him know that that upset me but I accepted it with the promise from him that he'll call at least once a month to let me know he's doing ok.  I know that'll only last for about two or three months, but you never know. I don't think I came right out and reminded him of how I still love him, but neither did he and I don't think it was something either of us had to really put into words.  If we don't know it by now, there's no real point to any of this.  So, we'll see how he does and see if he calls Friday when he get's back to his school.  And, I think I'll hold a week's vacation in reserve; just in case.  All in all, it was a good night.  If I'm lucky I'll get another one before the end of the year. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 14th, 2007
1:38 am	Well, today was interesting.  Woke up to maybe one of the best sounds in the world; my sister somewhere in the house.  My sister and I have always been the close one's in our family.  We're the most alike as far as personality goes and we generally have similar intrests.  So, there we were, myself, Mom, Laura and my neice Lauren talking and going over old memories (pictures included.)  There was one rough spot when Laura and I were talking about our bad acne days when we were kids and mom mentioned how dad took me to a dermatologist.  Turns out, dad didn't do the same for Laura, which was a big deal because when she was a teenager, she had acne far worse than I did and it really gave her a complex to some degree.  Hearing suddenly that dad had helped me out when he let her just suffer was a blow to her ego.  But, she shrugged it off and so did I.  Wasn't like he didn't lie a lot to all of us at one point or another.  But all in all a good day was had by all and that's a good thing.  This rift between Mom and Laura has been a long time and it's starting to mend rather quickly, probably because Dad's not around to get in the way like he always did when we were kids. If anyone's interested, yes I did get my mom some good shit for her birthday/mother's day celebration.  Of course, the two are about two weeks apart, but my original gift was supposed to be a new set of dishes which she really needed.  I got that about a month ago and she really liked it.  I took it two steps further this weekend and went out and bought her a new computer since the old one died a few weeks ago.  End result, she got around $800 of my money without asking, so if I'm a little cheap this year for Christmas, well, she should see it coming.  I'm not made of money after all... yet. ICC gave me the run around about taking my classes so I need to call the state to find out where I need to go to get the credits I need to take the state test.  Hopefully all that will be made known by the end of the week and I can get started soon enough.  Planning  a trip to upstate New York to help Jason get settled into his new place there at the end of the month.  I think I'll forego the use of vacation time and just spend a long weekend up there.  Gas is gonna be rough, but he's too good of a friend for me to not help when I can and I know I can help in this situation.  Besides, it's been nearly seven months since my last out of state trip and I'm feeling antsy.   about my only problem these days is Tai's continual urging for me to start a new game.  I have the general concept and I'm sure, for the most part, that it will be fairly well recieved by him and anyone else who wants to play.  But, I'm hitting this constant block as to how I get the ball rolling.  I've been toying with this concept for a game for about three years now and I know I can make it work.  I just need that extra umph to get my imagination going again.  My original premise is a group of friends suddenly discovering they have super-human powers and how it affects their everyday lives, which, after a time will spiral into an over arcing metaplot involving the discovery of how they got those powers and what it means for their future.  I don't want to give too much away for fear some people who may read this will find out more than what they need to know going into the game.  Now, I have any number of possible ways to get the spark of the game started; I could use the old chemicals in the water routine or CDC level biohazard display or about a hundred other possibilities.  I'm using the old Aberrant system for the powers just to make things easier for everyone.  The Taint rating stays on the sheet because...well, never mind.  Don't want to go into all that.   But, I need NPC's, some fake companies and a host of other props and set dressing to turn this into a viable game and not just some one shot deal.  I have too high of a record for well drawn out, thought provoking situations in my games and I don't want to do a half-assed job now. So, that's my situation I'm dealing with now.  Hopefully in the next week I'll be able to make some decisions about where I'm going to take it.  I just hope I don't get burned out on it all like I did last time. Anyway, back to work. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 10th, 2007
3:07 am	So the GOP is heading towards implosion since it can't get over it's small number of issues it deals with.  The old guard Republicans are starting to defect and go independent if not all the way over to the Democrats since the idea of fiscal responsibility (that used to be a big issue with the GOP) and states rights are slowly heading the way of the dinosaur to make way for abortion, school prayer, gay marriage, gun control rights (none) and, of course, Iraq.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if in the next ten years, the party logo will be a cross instead of the elephant.  And if that happens, boys and girls, then the country is going to know who's in charge and how their not going to allow one version of a religion to superceed all others.  Lincoln's party is heading towards oblivion and the people in charge seem all too happy to rush into the fire. There are signs of possible recovery, however.  Wednesday, a group of congressmen went to the White House seemingly with the hope of snapping George's mind out of it's single issue mode and get on with being the people's party.  Well, the big business party, but that's neither here nor there.   Some day soon it's all going to come to a sad and tragic end.  And Joe Scarborough will have to weep openly on live TV about the demise of his beloved party and I can't help but think I might shed a few tears along with him.  Of course, the culprit behind this change in party attitude; the man who shifted the party away from its roots and on that gleeming and deceptive road paved with good intentions is known by everyone.  He's the man who put us on the road to having a society of working poor where mothers who's husbands divorced them had next to no where to turn because he'd closed the door to governmental assistance.  He "trimmed" the budget by eliminating school programs that ensured every child got the nutritional needs they needed when single working families needed a small helping hand in some way, cut down on welfare and left the people living and working in rural areas with no help whatsoever.  He lowered taxes on the rich so they could invest their money to get richer thinking that it would in turn help create more jobs for the lesser people, but in the end all it did was just make the rich richer and the poor poorer because all that money that didn't go the government no longer went towards helping those who, while needing the help, wanted to get themselves up and make it on their own.  But with governmental help made that process a little easier.  He also opened the door to the religious right to start pushing their agenda of intolerance and discrimination into the People's House.  A long, quiet process that today is a deafening cacophony of anger and bitterness designed to sound pious, pure, and moral.  He did all those things and more.  Today, he's a shining hero to those who followed in his steps thinking that they were going to be just like him someday and work to make the country a better place. That person.  That President was none other than Ronald Reagan.  The Gipper.  While racking up a huge debt for the country under the excuse of fighting the Cold War (like he was the only one to fight that war) he practically strangled the lower class and started us on the path to what we know today as the working poor.  He bloated the deficit so that it will take nearly four generations of American's to hope to pay it off.   If Clinton hadn't come along and turned things around and gotten government under control, reduced the deficit and gave George W a nice surplus for him to squander, I shudder to think where we'd be today.  Too many times, people forget all the things Reagan did in his two terms and how they affected people.  Yeah, for some it was quite a time to be alive. But for most of us, we were fighting to live.  It's the only time in my life that I can remember living off of government surplus food that usually went to Africa.  And it was the only time I remember us having to accept help from a food pantry place.  Even as young as I was, I remember thinking that the only reason we were surviving was from my grandparents helping us.  What about the people who didn't have that extra safety net?  Those people probably ended up a lot worse and I feel sorry for them.  I'd help them out if I could, but I'm in that whole working poor class and can barely afford what I got and that's with me and mom's paychecks working together to pay the bills.  But, if one of us ends up seriously ill or injured, we're fucked. So thanks Mr. President for courting the religious right into the GOP.  I bet you wouldn't have guessed how they'd screw up your party and start dividing up the nation into them vs. us, but you know what they say about hindsight. If we're all really really lucky, the old Republican guard; those who followed the teachings of Eisenhower, Teddy Rooseveldt, Lincoln, and Goldwater might pull their party away from it's self-destruction.  Or maybe they'll just say "To hell with you," and go Independent or form a new party.  That I'd like to see.  I think people would be shocked to see how the party would look after being completely gutted.  And maybe the country and get back on the right track.  And not the far far right. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
3:18 am	Well, I think we all knew this was going to happen eventually.  I want to say that I'm all giddy with delight, but the fact is there's still the better part of two years left in his term.  That's a long time with a lot of potential to continue the downward spiral of this madness. But let's all be honest here.  I think the majority of Americans (hell, the world) know what's going on here.  Bush is keeping the Iraq war going because he doesn't want to be the one to admit defeat and doesn't want his historical image tarnished permanently.  He's got a small window of possibility for saving his legacy by keeping things going and hoping that the next guy will be smart enough to figure out this mess.   About the only way that I can see that we can get out of this with some dignity left to our nation is if the next guy spends about a month or so in office working the politics of Iraq for some sort of peaceful end to the sectarian violence.  Even Vegas odds would blanch at taking a bet on that working out.  These are people who've been at each other's throats for over a thousand years.  Expecting them to suddenly decide they're gonna learn to get along is naive.  So, in the end, what's going to happen is the next President is going to stand at a podium and give a speech to the nation about how the Iraq war was won by the United States in 2005 when all of our objectives were reached.  We removed the threat of Saddam, neutralized his WMD capability (that one was simple seeing as he didn't have any) and helped to form a working democracy.  The fact that they continue to kill each other over ideological differences is regretable, but until both parties are ready to work together instead of against each other, not even the United States can make it work for them until they want it to work. The business of reconstruction there, I have to admit was stupid from the beginning.  During World War II, we went in to beat the crap out of Germany and Japan and did a pretty good job of it.  Once that was done, our obligation to the rest of the world was completed.  However, with a battered and broken Europe looking like it had been rode hard and put away wet, Congress and the President came together and worked out a plan.  This plan, which wasn't part of the original war so it needed to be authorized again (unlike our current situation and you can thank the GOP for dropping the ball on that one) was the framework that lead the U.S. being the superpower it's been to this day.  The Marshal Plan was a success and helped to create the Europe we all know and love today.  These are facts.  We did what we needing to get this running and once they were, we went home.  There's no Marshall Plan in Iraq.  There never will be a Marshall Plan in Iraq not while they're still busy killing each other.  Maybe, if we leave them alone to fight it out and they suddenly notice that they've destroyed everything they were fighting for they'll wise up, but I doubt it. Fanaticism knows no bounds. Just ask the Christian Right. My only other thought about Iraq and our sorry reason's for going in there is that it was flawed logic from the start.  Bush lied to us at least three times when defending his reason to go there.  I know because he changed his story three times.  The one about us needing to go there to free the Iraqi people from an opressive regime was the most insulting of the reasons he's laid out to us.  I say that because I remember him telling everyone that it was no different than our own struggle for independence over two hundred years ago.  Bullshit, I say, and he just spat on the graves of every man who fought that gallant struggle against the british.  This war is no Revolutionary War.  These people have never once stood up and fought back against the powers that kept them down.  The idea of freedom is so foreign to them they've manage to turn it into some form of anarchy in the process.  Yes, when we went to war for our independence we needed help and FRANCE was all too happy to help us out (so happy in fact, the french monarchy went bankrupt financing it which sparked their own revolution; go figure.)  But France didn't come over to the colonies and tell us we were going to win our freedom.  We got the ball rolling and they helped out when we needed them.  Without France it's a foregone conclusion we would still be saluting the Union Jack today because the Empire was far too strong at the time.  But France starting it's own war plus causing trouble around the world for the British to keep their resources in the U.S. to a minimum made it possible for us to gain our freedom.   Freedom forced onto a people is no freedom at all.  It's a prize you have to seek out on your own and attain with your own hard work and the benefit of good friends.  So, yeah, I don't buy the excuse and never will.  I had a bad feeling about it from day one and it's not gotten any better.  And the people are going to continue to hate Bush long after he's out of office.  While I'm not going to judge his legacy now, I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up being regarded by history as the biggest embarassment of the American people. Anyway, back to work. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 6th, 2007
12:50 am	So, I'm cruising through the internet, pretty as you please and came across this facinating jem.  Now, tell me why fine, upstanding members of a reputable religion would be angry about the fact that there's going to be a law that would put a stiffer sentance on people who would willfully assault and possibly do aggravated harm to someone due to gender or sexual orientation.  These people suppoesdly under the auspices of preaching love and faith would be so ready to spit nails because they can't go out after their Sunday night Bible study group for a little relaxing gay bashing. There's nothing in this bill, or any other for that matter, that tells people that you can't talk all you want about how evil and corrupt faggots are.  And they are.  I should know, I'm one of them.  I thought differently up until a few days ago when I was put right by someone I know who basically informed me that, despite what it says in the Declaration of Independence, I am indeed a second-class citizen of this great nation.  Which sucks since I pay taxes just like everyone else.  I even vote (until they decide that faggots like me shouldn't be allowed to vote.)  In fact, if they would have let me, I would have been very ready and willing to defend my country right alongside everyone else wearing a uniform.  Truth be told, internet, when I was a little kid, one of my dreams was to be a naval officer.  Yeah, I know, I could have done it and for awhile there I considered it.  In the end, however, my pride for myself and who I am and my pride for my armed forces clashed and were found to be incompatable in my mind.  You see, to wear a uniform is to serve not just as a member of the United States Armed Services, but to wear that uniform with pride and honor.  And if I'm there, hiding who I really am and lying through my teeth in my own eyes, I wouldn't be fit to wear the uniform.   So, that's how that dream died.  Maybe in the next life.  But this shit about Xtians throwing a hissy fit because they can't attack anyone because they're gay?  Gods.  Here I thought they already had laws or at least a strong inclination about how to treat others in that book they're constantly trying to beat me over the head with.  At least they can be secure in the fact that their King (read: George W) will veto the bill just like he'll probably veto all other democratic proposals.  Yay for bipartisanship! (Comment on this)