Momma Munson, being a cautious mother by nature, kept her children (and herself) far, far away from the deep, fast moving parts of the river. It's run off season,  and the river is running high, cold and lethally fast. Every year at least 3-5 people drown in the spring run off, a fact that Momma Munson was well aware of. Sadly, she made a tactical error while trying to point out a somewhat rare, and decidedly unpleasant sub-species of stinging nettle, and allowed she and her brood to get close to the banks near a bend of the river that was slow and quite shallow (less than two feet deep).

Before she could say, "Oh, poopsticks!" (her current favorite curseword), Momma Munson felt the edge of the water saturated bank give way. Normally, with a normal person, this would not be a problem. Unfortunately, M. Munson is not anywhere normal, nor is her left leg, a limb (thanks to a rather horrendous traffic accident) is partially parylyzed and about as functional in an emergency as a 1984 Yugo. She fell backwards down the steep bank, and into the river while still wearing her slingover bag which contained among other things, eight bandaids, two types of lipgloss, a hackey sack, a half eaten pack of gum, a cheap pair of sunglasses, a vial of nitroglycerin for her heart, her wallet, her checkbook and her red blackberry pearl.

The first thoughts to run through M. Momma's mind were:

1.) %^)#* That hurt!
2.) Get head above water.
3.) Tell boys to NOT get in water.
4.) Get back and all the crap in the bag out of the water.

Trying to sit up against the current of a rather chilly river is not easy, especially when your head has been bonked by a treacherous river rock, your bottom is smarting something fierce (also due to a nasty rock) your stupid legs are not working and your water logged bag is pulling you back down into the water. Still, M. Munson managed to get her head above the water just in time to see her two little boys, leap into the water towards her, bellowing like their ancient Viking ancestors. Before she could bellow right back at them to get the hell out of the water, Moriarty had grabbed her by her hair and yanked her into a sitting position while Atilla had grabbed her shirt and was tugging with all his power so that she could sit up.

Said Moriarty to M. Munson: ''This is an emergency. Please remember to breathe."
Said M. Munson to Moriarty: "Cough Sputter Cough"
Said Atilla to M. Munson: "Are you drowinging, Mama?"
Said M. Munson to Atila: "No...Cough, Sputter, Cough..."
Said Moriarty to Atilla: "She's not drowning, at least not yet. Come, let us save her!"

And so they did. M. Munson is not quite sure how it happened, but her two boys yanked and pulled and pushed, and she wobbled and stumbled and tripped, and somehow, (all parties agree that divine assistance also played a part in this outcome) the brave, and now sopping wet hiking party ended up sprawled on the grass beside the river. Tears were shed (most M. Munson's) lectures were given (Moriarty to M. Munson for not following her own rules and getting too close to the river, and for being abomidably heavy to move / M. Munson to her brave boys, telling them if she ever falls into a river, they are NOT under any circumstances to jump in after her). Atilla did not engage in any lectures. Instead he hugged his mother and brother over and over and over again.

M. Munson began to shake, mostly from fear of  what could have happened to her boys. True, this part of the river was slower and shallower, but it was still a river during run-off. Moriarty, took off his shirt, tied it around his mothers head and tried to remember how to treat a patient for shock. Technically, he got most things backward, but the he tried, and the thought is what counts. Atilla started pulling drippy things out of his mother's bag. Eventually it was discovered that M. Munson's blackberry was dead, drowned, kaput. There was a collective sense of dismay regarding this death, and then the sense of dismay vanished when the boys saw a family of quail skittering in and out of the lilac trees. Before M. Munson could say, "Hypothermia" the boys were dashing off into the underbrush, trailing the assuredly hysterical amily of quail with all the finesse and stealth of blind ninja hippos on rollerskates. M. Munson staggered to her feet, collected her drowned belongings and took off after her boys, who blessedly were crashing through the bushes and AWAY from the river.

To make a long and drippy story short, M. Munson and boys ended up at the Cellular Phone Store. M. Munson (still drenched) was somewhat in shock and certainly not thinking clearly because in her mind, she absolutely needed to get her phone mended so that she could take it with her when she flew out for a conference the next day. The boys, being boys, didn't mind being damp in the least, and had quite a blast squish squashing through the Cingular store, fiddling with the gadgets and gizmos. Moriarty cornered the assistant manager and demanded that he give her mother a good deal, since she'd falled into a river and nearly died, and that would certainly be bad for business. Atilla started chattering with all the customers and offering brilliant suggestions (mostly based on phone color and which phone looked the most "Whiz Bangey"). M. Munson, still in a daze, and berating herself for being so DAMN STUPID, numbly looked around the store and selected a phone. A pink phone. A freaking BARBIE PINK PHONE. For the record, M. Munson and pink are not on speaking terms. And yet, now after all is said and done, she is the slightly horrified owner of a very nice, yet oh, so very PINK Sony Ericsson phone.
M. Munson is keeping the phone, even though it is pink. It's a reminder for her not to be SO stupid, and a gentler, sweeter reminder that she has the bravest best boys in the entire world. Now that the emergency has passed, Moriarty is convinced that he accidentally swallowed river water and is now going to suffer from water borne parasites, but he will bear his suffering with manly stoicism because he saved mommy. Atilla is pointing out that his left eyelid got scratched somehow, and he may well go blind, but it's okay, because he saved mommy.
Mommy apologizes to everyone that she didn't call back, especially roseredhoofbeat, eillwony, stonewalljames and others. With the death of her phone all her numbers/addresses are gone, and she respectfully asks that you give her a call or send her an email so that she can add them to her new phone, which she has not yet named. I hope you all had a great weekend, and that you know how much I love you. I will be flying to Vegas on business tomorrow, but should have email access once I arrive.

*hugs to all*