prince igor the geniatic

for a while now i've not had my last.fm doodah turned on (it does not show my mac the love you expect from a 'native' app), but having rediscovered it (and the odd improvement they've made) yesterday i happened to browse around the last.fm site and found a curious factual:

björk is 25% more popular than madonna

who'd have thought?

particularly because madge:

• has been around longer?
• is, you know, slightly more famous perhaps?
• has posed nude for a book called sex? björk's nearest creepy claim is having red shoe strings coming out of her nipples (cocoon, vespertine) or piercing them (pagan poetry, vespertine)

this is the proudest moment of my life

i've got an iphone and you dont so i win aahahahaha.

will write more when ive had more of a chance to play with it, but well done o2 in making the entire connection process incredibly easy. it was activated in minutes and not hours like the documentation suggests.

it's still rather expensive for a phone... worth it? dunno yet

woo i win. i have leopard. AND they delivered it 2hrs before it was released in the shops.

typing
=850*77.1
gives
100000

even something similar
=849*77.1+77.1
gives
100000

durrrrrr. microsoft needs to go back to primary school

curiously, this works
=850*7.71*10
resulting in
65535

crazy idiots

i don't normally like wearing sunglasses, but this season it seams everyone's got them. hmm i thought to myself... and succumbed to the peer pressure of the various personalities which exist in my head.

but this season it's not just any kind of sunglasses, they seem to have to be huge and curvaceous. this has turned out to be a bit annoying - the ground looks much much closer through my tacky h&m glasses.

hence i walk like a spaz and take really tall steps. all in the name of fashion

The Opposite Sex

1. Guitar or Drum Player: guitar
2. Skater or Surfer: surfer
3. Brown or Blue Eyes: dont care. but having eyes is useful
4. Blonde or Brunette: dont care, but probs brunette
5. Brains or Looks: both for a keeper. looks for a one-nighter :)

Food

11. Hamburger or Hotdog: burger
12. Pie or Cake: pie?
13. Apple or Banana: banana?
14. Coke or Pepsi: full-fat coke
15. Chicken or Beef: beef is nicer, but chicken is easier and u can do almost anything with it
17. Pancakes or Waffles: pancakes!
18. Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
19. Strawberry or Cherry: cherry
20. Watermelon or Cantaloupe: watermelon
21. Potato salad or Macaroni salad: potato
22. Wheat or White: dont care
23. Tic Tacs or Candy: sweets theyre called sweets goddamnit
24. Sausage or Bacon: sausages methinks
25. Sour Cream and Onion or BBQ: sour cream & onion

Sports

26. Baseball or football: rounders?
27. Swim or Track: swim
28. Tennis or Golf: gold (its less energetic)
29. Skiing or Sledding: snowboarding!!!
30. Bicycling or Jogging: cycling
31. McDonalds or Burger King: bk

Clothes

32. Trousers or Shorts: trousers
33. Zip-Up or Pull-Over: dont care
34. Dresses or Skirts: well its not often i wear them... but dresses :)
35. Mittens or Gloves: gloves
36. Print or Solid: print

Names

37. Jessica or Jennifer: jen
38. Aaron or Erin: erin
39. Carie or Kari: doesnt carrie have two r's? but neither
40. Todd or Tom: tom
41. Lynn or Lee: lee
42. Sarah or Susie: susie
43. Jack or John: jack
44. Lisa or Linda: lisa (linda sounds middle-aged)
45. Mike or Nick: dont care

Music

46. Punk or Rock: rock
47. Pop or Alternative: both?
48. Rap or Techno: nonono
49. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera: christina!
50. Korn or Staind: cant think of any or their songs so neither
51. Limp Bizkit or Linkin Park: linkin park!
52. Guitar or Drums: both
53. Piano or Violin: violin
54. CDs or Radio: itunes :)

TV

55. Angel or Buffy the Vampire Slayer: neither
56. Law and Order or The Practice: havent seen the second ever, so defaults to law and order
57. One Tree Hill or The OC: oc?
58. Smallville or Charmed: watched neither, but smallville man is one hottie

Cinema

59. Bruce Willis or Bruce Lee: lee?
60. Jennifer Love Hewitt or Naomi Campbell: naomi
61. Aladdin or Lion King: aladdin
62. Snow White or Sleeping Beauty: sleeping beauty has better music (if i remember correctly)
63. Comedy or Drama: both
64. Horror or Science Fiction: horror

Computer/Video Games

65. AOL or MSN: neither
66. Dogpile or Google: wtf is dogpile?
67. Mac or PC: i have pcs but macs look cooler
68. PS2 or N64: dont care
69. Mario Brothers or Zelda: both

School

70. Pen or Pencil: pencil for notes, pen for real stuff
71. English or History: yuk
72. Math or Science: both!!! i miss differential equations and organo-metallic chem. but not thermodynamics
73. Home Economics or Woodshop: both were fun, but the DT teacher was more fun... so woodshop by a tiny margin

Animals

74. Cat or Dog: cat
75. Fish or Hamster: both?
76. Tiger or Lion: tiger, the white kind
77. Butterfly or Lady Bug: butterflies to look at, ladybirds to eat all them shitty aphids
78. Seals or Otters: otters! http://www.flickr.com/photos/ushkarev/94675231/in/set-72057594058220401/

I am...

[x] Single
[ ] Taken (yeah whatever)
[x] Happy
[ ] Mixed feelings
[ ] Like someone(s)
[ ] Sad
[ ] Angry
[x] A meat-eater
[ ] Vegetarian
[ ] Crying
[ ] Tired
[ ] Age 1 - 12
[ ] Age 13 - 19
[x] Age 20 - 30
[ ] Age 31 - 50
[ ] Age 51 - 80
[ ] Older than 80.

Currently I'm...

[ ] Alone
[ ] With another person
[x] With a group of people
[ ] In pajamas
[ ] Naked
[x] Dressed comfortably
[ ] In my clothes from today
[x] Listening to music (laura hocking)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Watching a movie

I own...

[x] A laptop
[x] A stereo
[x] An MP3 player/iPod
[x] An inflatable chair
[ ] A bean bag chair
[ ] A lava lamp.
[ ] A black light (wassat?)
[ ] An automobile
[ ] A musical instrument
[x] A CD player
[x] A CD burner
[x] A DVD burner
[ ] Over 100 CDs (unless downloaded stuff counts)

I have...

[x] Glasses
[x] Contacts
[ ] Pierced ear(s) (used to)
[ ] Other piercing(s) (used to)
[ ] Tattoo(s)
[x] Scars from accidental injuries
[ ] Scars from other injuries
[ ] Missing teeth
[ ] A broken body part

I've physically met...

[x] A celebrity
[x] A poor person
[ ] The president
[ ] Family I never knew existed
[x] Someone from another state (i've met ppl from other COUNTRIES even)
[ ] Someone EXACTLY like me in personality
[ ] Someone EXACTLY like me in looks

I have been...

[ ] Legally dead
[ ] Engaged
[ ] Married
[ ] Divorced
[ ] In a car accident
[ ] Arrested
[ ] Questioned by police

I have been called...

[x] A liar
[x] Crazy
[ ] Gothic
[ ] Punk
[ ] Depressed/Suicidal
[x] Preppy
[x] Anorexic
[ ] Ghetto
[ ] Jock
[ ] Skater
[x] Bitch
[x] Stupid
[x] Freak
[ ] Conceited
[x] Emo
[x] Scene
[x] Nerd
[x] Something other than these
[ ] None of the above

All about me from A-Z

A - AVAILABLE?: theoretically
B - BEST SPORT?: yuk yuk yuk, unless its skiing or snowboarding (when gravity does most of the work)
C - CRUSH?: anything that has limbs, and just one another appendage
D - DOGS NAME?: dont have a dog
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO?: depends what about.
F - FAVORITE COLOR?: officially, yellow
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS?: bears. they also have a cool cartoon
H - HOMETOWN?: moscow if that means birthplace, london if current (and longest) place of residence
I - INSTRUMENT?: i have grade 1 piano (passed by 2 points!) if that counts
J - JUICE?: copella apple & elderflower. an orgasm in a small plastic carton
K - KIND OF MUSIC?: lots of stuff. poppy, rocky, and björky
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE?: dallas to orlando
M - MILK FLAVOR?: semi-skimmed
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS?: none
O - ONE WISH?: for elijah wood to realise how much he loves me
P - PHOBIA/FEARS?: not having / losing friends
Q - FAVORITE QUOTE?: "my mouth tastes of willy and my anus feels like its had a good seeing-to" and no i did not say that!
R - REASON TO SMILE?: ppl saying nice things!
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD? everwell - laura hocking (a friend http://www.myspace.com/laurahocking)
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP TODAY?: after 12
U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME?: well its a secret init
V - VEGETABLE YOU DON'T LIKE?: hard one. i like veggies.
W - WORST HABIT?: fags
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD?: teeth, bowels (for a bout of fake appendicitis)

[ ] Afraid of the quiet
[x] I am really ticklish
[ ] I'm afraid of the dark
[ ] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.
[ ] I believe in true love (im too cynical)
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I collect/collected comic books.
[ ] I shut others out when I'm sad
[x] I've stayed out all night.
[ ] I open up to others easily
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world (i think just about everyone knows everything!)
[x] I watch the news
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] love Disney movies.
[x] I am a sucker for pretty eyes.
[x] I don't kill bugs (cos its gross, not cos i care about their welfare)
[ ] I curse once in a while
[x] I curse too much (all the fucking time)
[x] I have/had "x"s in my screen name. (probably)
[x] I've slipped and fell in public
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation (fuck no)
[ ] I love Spam.
[ ] I bake well.
[ ] I have worn pajamas to class
[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie. (but want to. their ads are hot)
[ ] I have talked on a phone for 3 hours
[ ] I love Dr. Phil (who??)
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS. (im not a loser)
[x] I am self-conscious
[x] I love to laugh.
[x] I drink alcohol on a regular basis. (oh yeah)
[x] I loved Lord of the Flies. (liked not loved)
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. (mmmm)
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I have a few scars
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room
[ ] I love chocolate.
[x] I love spaghetti
[ ] I bite my nails.
[x] I play computer games when I'm bored
[ ] I cry sometimes for no reason
[ ] Gotten lost in the city.
[x] Seen a shooting star.
[ ] Had a serious injury.
[ ] Been so mad you've locked yourself in your room for the day
[ ] Gone out in public in your pajamas
[x] Hugged a stranger (at random in clubs)
[ ] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of the same sex.
[ ] Been in a fist fight.
[ ] Been arrested.
[ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] Made out in an elevator.
[ ] Swore at your parents
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose.
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[ ] Gotten stitches
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour. (yuk)
[ ] Bitten someone.
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] Gotten the chicken pox twice.
[ ] Crashed into a car.
[ ] Been to Japan.
[x] Ridden in a taxi. (wow! big leap that one)
[x] Shoplifted (for a dare!)
[ ] Been fired.
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back (everyone has!)
[x] Stole something from your job (only a notebook and that was YEARS ago)
[ ] In a police car (what in a police car? well i've never been in one)

google: "[insert name] likes to"

igor likes to...

1. spend his leisure time dancing the argentine tango (who knew?)
2. be needed, to cherish and protect his loved ones, and he is somewhat possessive of them (i'm so soppy)
3. play this up and has been notorious for chatting with other women just to cause her to spin out (what does that even mean?)
4. shoot (yeah baby)
5. call breasts "funbagos" and refers to the female receptive position as "WFI" - Waiting For Igor (aaaahahaaha)
6. refine an existing feature by tweaking the properties (yawn?)
7. watch hockey, soccer, play chess, go to the beach or forest, and most of all spend time with his new bride Olga, who is a hairstylist (olga has big boobies woohoo)
8. work, create an idea, make prototypes, and then leave the business end up to those who know how to do it (this sounds too much like ERP that i'm studying now!)
9. say, "How intriguing it is, that such an unattractive part of the human body plays the most significant role in our overall well-being. The unpleasant smell makes it hard for us to recognize how precious our colon truly is." (amen to that!)

i'd been so geekishly excited about björk's new album as soon as i'd heard that the release date was gonna be today. especially since the first single from it was pretty damn cool (well only to a björk fan, which probably means to a couple of hundred of people around the world max)

the first thing i did this morning was to call the nearest hmv to see if they had it. well... all i can say is that, despite it coming in a really funky case, it's rather uninspiring.

all of the previous albums have been very unique (if not always good), but this one at first glance seems to be a collection recycled elements from a few of the better older albums. the music of one song is almost entirely lifted off drawing restraint 9. and don't even get me started on drawing restraint 9 - i'm convinced that matthew barney is a bad influence on my beloved.

verdict: not the best album, but fortunately not as crappy as drawing restraint 9. i hope its the kind of album that grows on you after a while or else thats £15 wasted (of course i bought the special edition expensive one).

ps: timbaland produced that cool first single (what?? why?? isn't he a gangsta rapper?)
pps: she's really outdone herself in terms of lyrics with this one:

"what's the lesser of two evils? if a suicide bomber made to look pregnant manages to kill her target or not?"

funny captions anyone?

last week there was ariel (hahaha) in ku bar and yesterday there was a crazy indian bloke. woohoo

so there i was waiting at a bus stop in wimbledon for a bus home. yes i had missed my stop once again; in fact i have a complete blank from getting on to the point when i was at this stop. anyways, some old guy walks up, grinning like a maniac. he looked harmless and i was too drunk to be worried.

bloke: i have a problem

prince igor: you should probably go to your gp, they have medicines for that (what i actually said was, "oh and what's that")

bloke: sex

prince igor: they say viagra works quite well (actually, "right")

bloke: with you

prince igor: what's the problem with that? i'm very bendy ("yeah, umm no thanks")

actually i think he was also rubbing himself indiscreetly; i tried not to look

did you know that toni & guy now sell a sea salt spray for your hair (i'm sure it's extortionately priced) which makes your hair a bit crunchy and rigid - like a mousse or something. you just spray it into your hair when it is nearly dry and blow dry it. really neat stuff

well, i made my own for about 1p, and you can too! please follow instructions carefully and get a friend to help if you are in doubt:

1. always wear protective clothing and lab goggles
2. obtain a fillable spray container. we recommend this one spray bottle
3. slowly pour a desired amount of salt into the container. be sure not to spill any as it is considered bad luck. you might find it helpful using a funnel in this step. sea salt is better than ordinary table salt
4. fill the container with water, but not to the top! always use purified water that is safe for drinking as you never know when you might get thirsty
5. close the container tightly
6. shake it vigorously. CAUTION: make sure the container is sealed properly before shaking!
7. open the container and fill to the top with water
8. once again close the container

well apparently he doesn't, but the "vile story" he told the audience in secret, at the filming of yesterday's show, sounded rather dodgey. lets just leave it at him pulling out the leftovers from a "romantic incident" out of his doggy's bottom in a park.

miss a.m. had secured 4 vip tickets to be in the audience of the graham norton show; miss r.m., miss m.c. and i were the privileged ones to attend. it was really rather fun as i'd not been in a tv studio before and i think graham norton is ridiculously funny (just as a person!). apparently the show wasn't the best in the series (by miles), but i think we all had a jolly good chuckle. especially at his jokes before and after filming! haha helen mirren, haha dog in m*ff haha.

here's a lovely photo of the studio (its not my bad photography, it really was blurry in real life. honest)

• will write about suomi holiday soon, honest
• a search for "prince igor" in googles images brings up a photo of elijah wood's signature from this blog
• i will be moving off livejournal to a (currently) secret location in the next couple of months

something i came up with today - all guys can be placed in one of three categories:

munters

whom even i wouldn't shag

cuties

whom i like and would

the beautiful people

whom i would but really shouldn't because it is certainly destined to end in tears

anyway this is purely hypothetical since i'm totally undesirable and nobody loves me :)

---

30 things about yourself:

1. Is that your natural hair color? : yes
2. Where was your default pic taken? : facebook - in eden. ok i'll spill the beans, it's not actually of me. lj - duh it's björk
3. What's your middle name? : Юрьевич (anyone know how to spell that?)
4. Your current relationship status? : i'm officially a nun
5. Honestly, does your crush like you back? : crush? please i know my place. one thing i've learnt over the years is to not have crushes - always ends in tears
6. What is your current mood? : still vaguely hung over
7. What color underwear are you wearing? : black - it's dull and not very pretty
8. What makes you happy? : booze. ppl saying nice things to me
9. Are you musically inclined? : does grade 1 piano count?
10. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be? : prevent the evolution of homo sapiens? nah, i'm not that nasty. can't think of any major thing that i'd like to have done differently.
11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would you be? : a puffer fish. theyre goddam cute
12. Ever had a near death experience? : no. unless you count the time i was so drastically ill by alcohol and wanted to die
13. Something you do a lot? : peruse facebook. lame-o
14. What's the name of the song stuck in your head : my pal foot foot (by the best girl band in the history of the world - the shaggs)
15. Who did you copy and paste this from? : paul gallagher
16. Name someone with the same b-day as you? : karl marx and craig david
17. When was the last time you cried? : dont remember. probably not too long ago - i'm very good at feeling sorry for myself
18. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience? : god no. i'm just too good
19. If you could have one super power what would it be? : eloquence or breathing under water
20. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex? : hair, make-up and accessories. very important things
21. What do you usually order from Starbucks? : extra hot double tall latte with a shot of hazelnut
22. Whats your biggest secret? : like fuck i'm gonna write it for the world to read? (assuming anyone reads this far)
23. What's your favorite color? : officially it's been yellow for a good 20 years
24. When was the last time you screamed? : through fright - i yelped on saturday when i thot i was gonna get run over but farrah saved my life; through anger - like never
25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV show? : dont really watch tv... i did used to enjoy telly tubbies tho
26. Do you have braces? : no i have wonky teeth
27. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be : head (just the external visual elements, i'm happy with whats inside)
28. What are you eating or drinking? : now - nothing
29. Do you speak any other language? : Русский and 日本語
30. What's your favorite smell? : i'll refrain from saying something rude here. how about chinese food and emporio armani he/lui/il

another 30? (of which 3 are invisible it seems)

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs? : never had the urge to
2. What were you doing this morning at 8am? : tubing to work feeling vile
3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? : writing this - its bloody long
4. Are you any good at maths? : maths & further maths a-levels. bits for undergrad too, but that doesnt really count since i did no work.
5. Do you have any famous ancestors? : well my great grandfather was quite well known in the apiary circles in rural ukraine. most of the others were cleansed by stalin
6. Are you mad at anyone right now? : no. i love everybody
7. Do you know the words to the song on your MySpace profile? : i refuse to put a song on my profile. but if i did it'd be a björk song and of course i'd know the lyrics
8. Last thing received in mail? : as in real mail? probably a credit card bill - which i once again forgot to pay on time. cunt
9. How many different drinks have you had today? : 4 - tea, coke, water, cranberry+raspberry juice. if the period between midnight and 4am counts, then lots and lots of gin on top of that
10. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine? : occasionally. prefer to text. because its so much more personal and full of feeling. actually it's because i just sound like a knob on the phone
11. Any plans for tonight? : hopefully finishing writing this sometime soon
12. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? : no, i write lewd and profane words instead
13. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? : a filling back in the good old soviet union - they believe anaesthesia is for wimps
14. What's outside your front door? : a door mat
15. Do you have plans on Friday night? : peut-être
16. Do you like the ocean? : its too cold and salty - it makes my skin itchy. but i love jumping around in the waves
17. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas? : what? is this a reference to some over-sized american product?
18. Have you ever been to a planetarium? : lots of times as a child
19. Something you are excited about? : literally this moment - nothing, i'm too tired to be excited; on a regular basis - the prospect of imbibing a gallon of gin
20. Who around you has the most problems? : i win. oh woe is me etc etc. i love being melodramatic
21. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive? : nope, stalin's minions made sure of that
22. Describe your love life? : like whatever. i'm a nun, remember?
23. Where do you keep your change? : wallet - oooh get me, i'm all organised and proper
24. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? : last thing i can recall was when our "ibstock in africa" expedition group was presenting at the royal geographic society
25. Do you like anyone right now? : i love everybody as i said
26. What was the weather like on your birthday? : yeah like i can be expected to remember anything so mundane
27. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? : open. i like air circulation and sound and light don't bother me

who would have known that gatecrashing can be so advantageous?

so i'm not actually at imperial, but i did not let that minor detail stop me from joining the imperial grad pub crawl.

there was mingling, drinking, socialising, networking and i appear to have landed myself a job. thanks piotr!

it's strange to think one can get work through someone you only just met in a gay bar. (no, this isn't the sort of work that's frowned upon by most cultures and religions)

i must exude competence

---

this reminds me of a salman rushdie quote:

I you want pay, then just be gay

other than belle de jour. (booze aside, which can keep a boy happy indefinitely)

inspired by said role model, here is an appendix to a previous post about "stupid things i've done"

• passed out in someone's toilet with the door unlocked ✓


• ...with the door locked ✓


• ...with the door locked and with my pants round my ankles ✓


• snogged a fellow ✓


• been but one link away in a shag tree from a former lecturer ✓


• got a bj while standing in the middle a crowded pub ✓


• ...from at least three people ✓


• snogged a girl in a room full of fellows at a refined desserts and wine gathering whilst shouting "i self-define as a lesbian" ✓


• had to borrow sellotape from a bar wench to stick my high heels back to my foot ✓


• harrassed 2 bar staff (one, quite pretty) so much that they called security on us ✓


• got naked in a broom closet of a grad bar, to demonstrate to a lesbian couple, a winky in the process of dilating ✓


• got filmed dancing around topless with 2 other guys and a mega-breasted girl (a lovely lovely girl too) ✓


• bought practically every björk album ever ✓


• had a mild explosion in my bathroom courtesy of a dollop of sodium ✓


• got stopped by the police in spain dragging a huge palm leaf down a dirt track at 3am. well ok they didnt stop, but slowed down and looked suspiciously at us. at least they didnt see the asterix/obelix stone throwing competition and sooty supermarket wall decorations ✓


• ended up naked in a swimming pool with 5 other ppl ✓


• ...none of whom i knew before ✓


• passed out on my floor in the midst of a flurry of newspaper in the crucifix position ✓


• ...covered in whipped cream ✓ (luckily clothed)


• ...only to wake in the morning and find someone's full set of clothing in a damp pile in my bathroom ✓


• run home after a club night, in what felt like a blizzard, in a skimpy t-shirt and my holy jeans ✓ (and if you've been lucky enough to see the holy jeans, you can imagine how cold i was)


• bonded very tightly with the members of cusu lbgt committee in a college bar ✓


• ...involving three way snogging with lesbians etc ✓

yes i am feeling reminiscent. i miss my old life

i saw a bumble bee yesterday. the poor little bugger must have decided that it's spring with the warm weather we had last week.

it should be nicely frosted this morning.

ps: if anyone asks, i'm currently in a lecture. yes, once again have i not managed to get to the 9 o'clock. at least i'm not blaming it on a hangover - the 2am feast on sainsbury's skanky version of a pot noodle fixed that last night.

pps: hurray for pub crawls.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have two cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called cowkémon and hello cow and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the f*** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

A WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

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my own additions:

A SPANISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You milked one when you woke up at midday and now it's time to have a siesta so the other one can wait.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. But you drank so much tequila last night that you don't remember this fact.

A SCANDINAVIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are free to do whatever they want while you sit in the sauna drinking vodka. You might need to defrost them in the morning.

MASOCHISM: You have two cows. You get them to stampede back and forth across your bound and gagged body.

SADISM: You have two cows. One is excreting into your gimp's mouth, the other is being whipped.

VEGETARIANISM: You have two cows. They have daisy chains on their heads and little kids riding on their backs. The corpse of the local butcher is buried in the garden.

A HIPPY COMMUNE: You have two cows. They have daisies on their heads, you love them, they love you. You think they ate your weed.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You launch them at the nearest government building and go berserk.

UTOPIA: You have an infinite number of cows.

THE DIGITAL AGE: You have two cows. They are virtual and can produce as much milk as your memory and computing resources can handle.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They are positively female. They do not have to wear skirts. Your colleagues at the Women's Bovine Institute are working on a method of artificial insemination without the need for bulls.

GREEN POLITICS: You have two cows. You use their manure to power your car.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. But you know they are not yours, they are their own.

THE NORTH KOREAN GOVERNMENT: You have no cows. Your people have never even heard of cows. You throw a massive celebration in honour of Kim Il-sung, who lives eternally.

A CHILEAN FARM IN THE JUNGLE: You had two cows. They got got by the Chupacabra.

A COLOMBIAN CORPORATION: You had two cows. They were taken by the coca lords. Now you have two grams and a life-long addiction.

A POLYNESIAN ISLAND: You had two cows. You ate one, threw the other into the volcano. Your island is now sinking and you wish you had thrown both in.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. They're worth nothing since you have a million sheep.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You use them as bait to catch cheetahs. You can now sell extravagant furs to the elite.

MATHEMATICS: You have minus one cow. You take its square root and the cow is now imaginary.

SET THEORY: You have a cow. The sirloin steak you plan to have for dinner is a proper subset of the cow. The union of two cows is a Siamese cow. The complement of a cow is the sum of all methane produced by it.

INVESTMENT: You have two cows. You lend one to someone on the grounds that in five years they will give you 500.

BANKING: You have two cows. You only have the space to keep one. You give the other to a bank and receive a glass of milk once a month. The rest of the milk will be sold back to you at Sainsbury's.

MORTGAGES: You have no cows. You want to buy one but can't afford it. A bank lends you the money to buy one under the agreement that you give back 90% of the milk it produces over the next 50 years.

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES: You have a mummy cow and a daddy cow. The daddy cow is very excited. The mummy cow is on heat. You put them into one pen and turn your back to a chorus of mooing. Some time passes... and you have more than two cows.

LANGUAGES: You have two cows, vaches, vaccas, kühe, mucche, 牛, коровы...

RESTAURANTS: You have two cows in the morning. By night-time someone ate your cows.

FASHION: You have a cow. It is too fat. You feed it once a month and, once it is within an inch of its life, you parade it in a gold frock at a cattle fair.

CLOTHING BOUTIQUES: Daaarling! This cow, it is perfect for you! You have one in that colour already? Then I know just what you need! We have a special offer on Angus this week...

CAUSES OF GLOBAL WARMING: You have two cows. You only need one and they fart too much.

THE DEVELOPING WORLD: You have two cows. This is not enough to support your family so you sell one to the US for the price of a glass of milk. In return they promise to build you a well. During the next dry season, the other cow dies from the drought.

CHILDREN: Mummy! I want a cow, nooooow! Honey, you know we don't have the space to keep one. And you broke the one we bought you for Christmas last year. But my friends all have cows!

A HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLE: You have two cows. One for the husband and one for the wife, who never see each other except at family reunions.

ARACHNOPHOBIA: You have two cows. You try not to count how many legs they have between them.

CLAUSTROPHOBIA: You have two cows. You cannot stand in the same field as both of them at the same time.

AGORAPHOBIA: You have two cows. You cannot leave the house to milk them.

ACROPHOBIA: You have a cow. You will never ever attempt to sit on it.

AMNESIA: What is a cow?

PARAMNESIA: You have no cows. You were sure you had a cow.

BESTIALITY: You have a cow. Don't ask what it is for.

FISTING: You have a cow. It is sticking out of your anus.

OPTIMISM: You have two cows. That will surely feed your family of six for three years.

PESSIMISM: You have two cows. You have nothing to eat for dinner.

REALISM: You have two cows. You have two cows.

HEDONISM: You have two cows. You are fucking your next door neighbour's 18 year-old daughter in the barn, while they watch.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER: You have two cows. You have to count them every few hours or your entire family will die.

ANACHRONISM: You have a cow. It is a fossil.

THE STONE AGE: You have a cow. You use it to ferry stone monoliths.

THE IRON AGE: You have a cow. You fashion an implement to sever its head.

THE INDUSTRIAL AGE: You have a cow. It single-handedly runs the local mill.

THE MODERN ERA: You have a cow. It is redundant. The State pays you benefits.

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others' additions:

NIHILISM: You have two cows. But they will die. You will die. What is the point of it all?

EXISTENTIALISM: I am a cow but I have mastitis and so I cannot produce milk, or is that just bad faith. I am a bull and I have no udders and so I cannot produce milk, or is that just bad faith. I am a carrot so I am not a cow, I am not alive and so I cannot produce milk, or is that just bad faith.

STUDENT COW ECONOMY: You are a cow. You can't be arsed to produce your own milk so you siphon off your mother's and pretend its yours.

PARANOIA: You have two cows. They keep staring at you.

SCHIZOPHRENIA: You have no cows. The cow is talking to you.

RATIONALISM: You have two cows. Therefore you have more than one and less than three cows.

IRRATIONALISM: You have two cows. Really, you only want one cow except when there are three to be had.

BRIDGET JONES-ISM: I am a bit fat cow. Just ate some grass... very very bad. Why do none of the bulls like me? I will not be producing any milk, will make udder look big and be like smug married. Moo!

KATHERINE TATE-ISM: You have a cow. But is it bothered, though?

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

• knowing that even if i force myself into bed now, i will barely get 5 hours of sleep. yes? - nope
• wanting to make it on time to at least one 9 o'clock lecture this term - nope
• a nightcap? - oh please, i can snort 5 nightcaps and not feel the somnolent effect (unless i have so many that i pass out, but i dont count that as quality sleep)
• having a very tiring day? - doesnt seem to do the trick. as soon as i'm home some uncanny energy resource kicks in and conspires to keep me awake
• energetic steamy action - how would i know the answer to that?
• a sleeping pill? - dunno, never tried

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as i was lying in bed last night, i decided to attempt to bore myself into falling asleep : a more difficult task than i'd expected, clearly i find myself far too interesting (save the inappropriate comments u dirty ppl)

how many u.s. states can you name?

i only came up with 27 - evidently i'm very not educated

omg. i'm currently re-reading "the intimate adventures of a london call girl" which is possibly my favourite book of all time. it's filthy, mesmerising, disgusting, hilarious and arousing all at the same time. i love it - not so much for the porn-tastic content (but that too), but mainly because i adore the witty and intelligent writing style. oh i do so wish i could write like that...

in other news, i'm contemplative... is it wrong to give a juicy bone to a cute puppy, when you think by doing so you are in fact kicking it in the face? because, after all, it will appreciate the bone very much. cute puppies always like treats. but it may potentially be saddened later... (this is a metaphor, for all those lovers of furry things who now want to castrate me)