| what's up world |
[08 Oct 2006|09:10pm] |
what's up with the world these days. I'm soooooooo bored. But isn't that a problem with me not being able to find something. There's always something to entertain yourself with. It's up to you to make what you will of what you have. Right now I guess I'm making shit then.
I want you to want me....I need you to need me....I'd love you to love me.
I want you to come for me. I wanna be chased. I like chasing yeah, but I want someone to TRY for me or something. I need to get out and meet people more. But then before that, I need money right.
I want to try living in a cabin with my own personal garden and flock of sheep. Yes, sheep. Perhaps a pig. And of course Shakilya my american eskimo dog. My little lovely cuddly.
I want to go dancing.
I want to learn how to defend myself better
.
I want to fix up my jeep.
I'm gonna be paying a grand to get it lifted and new wheels. I've got the wheels actualy, they were 750, so that's what 1750 altogether. Hrm. I'm bummed about that
There's a bunch of other stuff I have to do too....rather that I shoudl get fixed with my jeep. The front bumper, the windshield, and just little maintanence stuff, ya know. BAh, someday it'll match my standards. However, I love my little jeepy as it is.
I want to put up some walls
that will never come down
walls of strength
walls of smile
shining brightly around me
enclosing the sadness
encircling the truth
hopefully these walls will help
*goes back to waiting for margaritas*
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| Greenhorn and a full moon |
[07 Oct 2006|10:48pm] |
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music |
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Summer Nights-Lil Rob |
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and next friday will be the thirteenth.....what to expect no one will ever know.
I'm excited about tonight yet somewhat hesitant. I kind of want to mob around in my jeep and I'm kind of scared that temptation will take over.
I hope everything goes down well with friends and what not. I hope everyone is comfortable hanging out with everyone, if ya know what I mean. Other than that I think tonight will turn out fine. So far we've just been chillin waiting to head out to greenhorn, figuring out the alcohol situation...it took a while.
I also hope that I don't get tempted to drink a lot...and get enough sleep for work tomorrow.
to monitor things:
MElissa- talking to me.
LAdina- sitting on the bed drawing or something
Candice- walked into the room talking STACY
Michelle- is messing wtih stacy
Anne- in the other room somewhere
Meha- at work I guess
Dan- outside maybe, not sure.
Self- monitoring obviously.
Ain't nothing like them summer nights.....
Night night y'all happy dreams.
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[05 Oct 2006|07:25pm] |
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No More Drama- Mary J.Blige |
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Today has been an interesting experience. I woke up in a good mood but ended up tired from work.
I definitely feel better than I did yesterday. Fuck livejournal. Lol.
No more drama is playing. I'm done with drama. I am not a diva. I'm not a pretty pretty princess...I'm just this silly little girl who thinks. I'm just a fucking human being. Sometimes things can be as simple as that. Can you understand that? I can now, I feel much better too.
Experience is knowledge. Eh.
I wanna live to experience. I haven't been able to figure out what I want lately- at least that's one thing. :)
Night night sweet readers, if any.
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[06 Dec 2005|11:47am] |
3636 Edison Ave
Sacramento CA 95821
Please mail me peoples I've decided that I love letters, and those of you who love letters too, I WILL mail you back.
And peoples, I am sad to say that I am really not marrying Jon. I just was wondering what people might say about me getting married at such a young age and all that. It really seems a lot of my friends are doing it, and I kind of fear for them adn their happiness and all that stuff...but still I trust them because they're all in love adn what not, so really who am I to judge. If I were to get married now I think it would be a big mistake. I want to marry that boy, I know that for sure, but not now. I'm still in school, we don't have our own house or anything, but yes...I will marry him eventually. My lovely love love.
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| OVERFLOWING WITH JOY |
[05 Dec 2005|11:46pm] |
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I am so damn happy I could pee my pants! I think I finally know how to have a good relationship. My lovely jon and I are getting married!
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| I'm writing this for John |
[03 Dec 2005|02:06am] |
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 happy |
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none |
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Hi...I'm writing this for you because you're sitting beside me telling me to do this. So yes...what exactly am I supposed to say. Not exactly sure....Hi again. I am friggin pissed because the stupid god damn fucking tard ass club was closed tonight for a stupid private party. Yeah, well they can suck the dick I wish I had. No, for reals...I don't wish I had a dick, but still they can suck someone's dick. Seriously I really wanted to go to the club tonight but I didn't get to. It was sad but I guess I'll be able to go tomorrow. But the sad part about that is I won't have anyone to go with unless I can talk my roommates into going with me. But I'm really upset that I couldn't go tonight. I was totally looking forward to just dancing and letting go and all that blissfulness that comes with the club. I like teh people there, everyone seems like they have an interesting story to tell or share, and the beauty...oh the beauty. Hah, don't forget the music. It's really heart moving, it makes you think in your soul or something. Like if my soul were my body how would it move right now? that's kind of how I dance adn it feels so good. Usually I don't care what anyone thinks of me, unlike at school dances where it was like is this girl dancing better than me or I would wonder if some guy was checking me out or whatever...but there it's just cool. Yes...that's pretty much all I have to say about that.
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[03 Nov 2005|04:26pm] |
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I don't want to be like this anymore...I'm really starting to hate it.
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[01 Nov 2005|05:10pm] |
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I fail as a girlfriend.
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| Should I cut my hair???? |
[12 Aug 2005|10:25am] |
TOO BAD IF YOU THINK I SHOULDN'T because I already did~muahahahahahahhahaa. Yeah...I was gonna post something like that on here and then see what kind of response I got but instead I decided to call Kristen and see what she had to say cause she's a girl like that and whenever I asked someone like JON ahem he would just say you'll be beautiful no matter what...YEAH well that's nice but I want to know whether I'll end up looking like a melon head or have an afro or soemthing ridiculous...so really would I look good with my hair short? You guys tell me cause I cut it...soooooooooooooooooooooo yeah. check me out!
We're moving to sac *sings a little song about the great below* ah...life is kind of perking up. We found a cool apt place in sac off Watt avenue. Well technically off of Edison but it's pretty damn close to Watt. Amber Apartments. Sure you don't really care about teh specifics but we got it and that's enough said on that.
So I went down to CSUS the other day...yesterday actually and met with the liberal studies counselor lady...and she really didn't tell me much. Just the same old "You applied late adn so you're gonna have to register late so that will be kind of hard. You're not gonna get the classes you need or like so yeah..." DUH. She kept reiterating it all over the place too. god damnit. Rub it in my face that I was kinda hesitant about the college thing. Dude lady. I can take it. Hell, I graduated early. And still got above a 3.0 Shall I say more? No. I'm not one to brag about my spontanaeity...because that's all it took to graduate early. Academically it was super easy. It wasn't like I had to plan out this huge plan of courses and yeah. But I am glad that I did graduate early. I was able to work full time for a year and buy car which personally I think is a better investment than if I had just saved all my money. I'm horribly bad at that...so in the end since I HAD to buy something I'm glad it was a car. Not to mention...if worse comes to worse I can sell it and have loads of money. How much do jeeps sell for? Theoreticaly I could get it for what I got it like 5 grand. So yeah. Definitely worth it.
Enough babble. I think I'm gonna go get a shower and possibly get my hair touched up...seeing as how I cut it myself I'm not quite comfortable with how it looks in the back.
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| Divine Twins |
[05 Aug 2005|06:38pm] |
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loved |
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Perfect. Perfection. Gorgeous. Beautiful.
My first memories of perfection date back to when they
pressed upon me while we swayed to the beat. I could
not help but feel the perfection of them. I remember
another dates, when I caught glances of the centrist,
the essential. Their perfection grew in my mind until
this very day. Your divine twins loving all. And just
as I love their
divinity, I love you.
I SAW YOU TODAY!
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[29 Jul 2005|11:30am] |
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This is totally unfair but somewhere in me I've always known. It's subconscious, so I've known but never known. You're a product of your past and how you were raised and what you were taught and what you went through. It's all psychological and subconscious. It's all fucking unfair and I'm totally bitter about it. I don't want to be what I am now. I don't want to think these things and feel the things I feel. Rephrase: some of the feelings. I want to be in control of who I am and what I am and what I think and what I feel. And I am to a certain extent but..."you'd think if a person wanted to be happy...they just could...you'd think if I wanted to let go of this I just could" But I can't. You are who you are and you can change some of that. but not all of it I guess. I want to be a good person. I want to change me. First step...
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| Livejournal=Highschool? |
[25 Jul 2005|11:58am] |
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I guess you guys are right about livejournal being kind of dead these days...some people's posts don't even matter much to me anymore because they're always just the same. Kind of like Nic...I miss him but his posts are really for himself to hear himself. It's not like I can ever get much from reading his posts. So I understand you Noah. I have friends that are fading away on livejournal too. Then again, there's people like Laura who I don't get to see much and it's almost like a passageway into her brain and life and whatever...Like Being John Malkovich. Kinda crazy taboo and weird like that.
Jon left for Tahoe to see his mother for her birthday. I couldn't go with cause his mom said it was just a family thing. I felt kind of discouraged by that because Jon's been invited to our "family" things all the time. And then he said it might also be because his grandparents aren't comfortable around me because they don't know me yet. Well so much for trying to get to know me...I'm just bitter and lonely I guess. But I'll manage. I have to treat him like a drug almost. I have to watch for my addiction. I feel stupid like that.
I'm just waiting on everything to go through and settle into place. The house. School. A job. I think after I get done posting this I'm gonna invite pat to go to sac with me. I want to start putting my application in at random places so that I will have a job by the time we get down there. Jon made a good point that if worse comes to worse I can start working down there and just commute. My dad does it. or did it, since he's off for the summer. So I can do it. I'm good at taking on stressful responsibilities like that. I think I spelled responsibilities really wrong. Nope. It just looks really weird all typed out as opposed to how it sounds. *sighs* I really hope we get that house. It just looks really really nice and good and ugh I want to move!!!!!!!! I'm so ready to spread out all my little trinkets and clothes and hair accessories and customize my room and shelve the kitchen with dishes and blah! I'm just ready to go. Totally ready to go. I hope mike shows up soon. Maybe he's here and out in the living room and I don't even know it. We have to get his app to....HAH! get this: The landlord's name is John Wong. Yes..... John. Wong. LMAO. But we totally need to do that asap. Maybe if mike's here then I'll ask him instead of pat because I know pat probably has to work tonight. Hrm.
Anyways. I hunger for indian food like always. I must forage for something more cost effective in the kitchen before I do something drastic like drive to India oven and orgasm...*drools* GO.
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| What does it all mean? |
[19 Jul 2005|09:07pm] |
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Nine Inch Nails....Piano???!??/ |
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I guess I just need you to know how much I was hurt over everything...EVERYTHING. Yes every little thing was blown out of proportion to an extent because I was crazy and irrational and paranoid about everything. But that doesn't take away from how much either you hurt me or I hurt me. Maybe it is in a sense my own fault for how much I've been traumatized or changed or however you want to put it but the point of the matter is not who to blame for it all but at the very least acknowledge that there is something. Because that in itself will make it naturally easier to deal with. If we're going to spend all the time we get for healing just bickering over why it happened and who said what and who meant what and whatever then absolutely no progress will be made. We will simply be reliving the problem in a more clarified way which infact might be worse than how it all was perceived to have happened. Truth seems to hurt more like that. This is more for me because you seem to have already come to all these conclusions. That is why you are over it and have decided to move on from it. You've admitted your mistakes and nothing more. There are no explanations about what you said whenever or what you did to me. Simply that it will be different from now on. You are moving on and I'm not. And I hate it. Because I feel weak for dwelling with the hurt and trying too damn hard to understand everything...instead of just let it all have happened and keep going forward. But perhaps now that it is all said and written and felt it will happen for me and I will move on. I want to move on. I want to be over it.
Completely unrelated update: I feel proud and in pain. I shouldn't feel proud though because I suck at fighting...at least that's what I've finally found. But proud in a sense that I'M KINDA SUPER CRAZY. I shinai'd with James at DND today. I now have SEVERAL bruises...the part I shouldn't be proud of...but I did break his nose. So I feel a bit of confidence and a bit hardcore...but still naive and unrefined and very very untrained. But still...I just had to know...sure Jon and all them can kick unreal ass...but when they fought they were just so timid. I dunno. Maybe I'm crazy and don't even deserve to talk about this because of that naivete...but they just didn't seem to have the fighting spirit. I don't know. I just feel proud and hardcore. You...probably think I'm just an idiot who got their ass beat and liked it?
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| BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAATHE. |
[09 Jul 2005|03:53pm] |
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I am going to go to the river in ten minutes. I am excited about moving to sac. I haven't told my dad yet or my family really but they'll know all except for my dad after they read the post. We're all sitting here being bored...nothing really exciting happening right now but last night was possibly a different story. I think I tried stealing a pizza, threw a cat, and danced around like a little indian girl. I was happy to find fiona in good health this morning because apparently I threw her like five feet. Dancing was relieving...I've been wanting to dance with my friends for a while. And noah totally came out with a hard hat on dancing to that one song..."I was looking for some action....late at night..." It was totally fitting. They all look so good dancing. Except for jon who just doesn't dance. He kind of sat on the couch being all non dancelike. OH well. He's the one I wanted to dance with the most though. I wasn't able to stay up late enough for pat to get here. And I totally slept for really really really long. I went to bed around 1 ish maybe? and then woke up around 12. That is so unnormal for me. I sleep so little and I'm fine. But I totally needed that sleep. And then I got up and ate and went back to sleep for like an hour maybe or something...I don't remember. More than that because I slept and then got up for like five minutes to wake up mike and steal his spot on the floor and promptly fall asleep again. For like two hours. I really have no idea why I'm babbling on about my sleeping...how boring. *sighs* Nothing else really to update about. I miss Shakillia. I heart her. She's a little fluff.
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| Today is yesterday's tomorrow... |
[27 Jun 2005|10:41am] |
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I am wearing a fucking rad shirt. It's green blue and really hot. Well I think so anyways. Hot Guy ditched out on us today...he said he had to get knee xrays...so maybe I can go to the river with just Anne and Jamie instead which would be cool. Probably south fork. Hrm...and then we were going to go to the mall but I don't think anyone's up for that much driving...as Anne said. So we might or might not go to the mall. Probably not though cause I definitely don't feel up for that much driving. HEY GUESS WHAT~! I quit my job. Ha. And now I'm going to run out of money really fast. But I talked to my sisters about it and so they know that I have no money so hopefully they will not ask for so much. At least for a little while. Judas Priest is in a little while. I'm excited about that. And fourth of July I'm going up to Tahoe with some of my ex co-workerrs. That will be interesting. I need to check all my emails...they've just been piling up while I sit and think about other things...I got a dog! AMerican Eskimo, white, female...named Shakillya. Like totally black name but for a white dog. And she's fucking fierce that little one. I have to help my dad clean up after her...the rug is dead.
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[07 Jun 2005|06:40pm] |
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thinking of you dear
and wishing I had
a good poem to write
with something to say
special and nice and whatever
just so I could see
your happy smile
but the words aren't there
or even anywhere
oh well just nevermind
I still love you just the same.
I can't remember when I wrote that poem...recently but I don't remember anything about writing it or who I wrote it for or why I wrote it...so yeah...that's odd becuase normally I'm flooded with thoughts and feelings from reading a poem I've written. This one is just empty. But good nonetheless. Just thought I might share. I haven't shared a lot of my poetry lately...simply because there hasn't been any to share. SOoo sad.
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| Hey man.... |
[05 Jun 2005|08:32pm] |
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I love you Noah, and I have some regrets and things I think you are bad at and some things I think are ridiculous about you...but I am your friend and always will be. The best thing you can do for yourself is not join in on the bashing...you're cool man, you're pretty sexy, you've got a positive attitude for the most part, you drive shitty but oh fucking well. I hope you understand where I'm coming from in all this.
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[31 May 2005|06:55pm] |
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I just realized that I wrote out this whole thing about everything and it didn't update. God fucking damnit. I hate livejournal. Not really, but that totally sucks. Blah. I'm not even going to try to explain it all again, that's just really frustrating and I'll let it be that way. *takes lessons in seduction* What I thought I wanted and had or thought I had has taken on a totally different look. Mike and I are nothing for two weeks. I told him basically the same things that were told to me...that a relationship doesn't work between the two of us and we are better off as friends. But he's doing the same things I was doing and saying the same things that I was feeling. IS this karma or just torture? or something totally stupid that I'm comparing and shouldn't be at all. And then there's Kristen....damnit. That whole situation is...well was just so damn exciting but soo not going anywhere I guess. My fault? who knows. Just bad timing when it comes down to it. So I will just give it time. I have learned to be patient with love and feelings and emotions lately. Time heals and changes, just wait. And it will come or it won't. I am happy with that uncertainty.
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| lmfao |
[27 Apr 2005|11:10pm] |
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I meant have to let you still have a life. I really did. NOT hate. Dear god I feel like an idiot.
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